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JanG's journal, bunch of thoughts


JanG

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My intro

Im writing in a stream-of-consciousness, and not correcting my typos. Sorry about that but it makes it more genuine to me. Some opinions might be a bit blunt etc. but i wont delete what i write unless its completely horrid.

17/03/2018

Today is my first real day without gaming influence. I havent played a game for 5 days, but i realised i substituted almost all that time with watching clips and streams of gamers instead, and it was scratching the same itch as playing it myself, so i decided to quit that too halfway through yesterday. After that i felt empowered, i went to read a book, with some "Friends" playing on the tv in the back ground, and watched/read while a couple of episodes ran by. Jumped on the computer to check this community, made some dinner and put on a ricky gervais comedy show before going to bed. All in all not that productive, but i allow myself not to be right away, cause i've got fuck-all of a clue what to do with my time right now.

 

This morning i woke up and 6am on a saturday, with almost a existential crisis wreaking havoc in my gut. Honestly i was so surprised and taken aback. Im not unused to being awake so early, but the first thing i do in the morning is usually grab my phone and watch some clips/games etc, and i can do that for upwards of 3-4 hours easily, but this morning i was deadset on not doing that. Which resulted in me panicking that i would have fucking nothing to do for the next 24 hours, the next 7 days, or even the rest of my life. I was honestly paralyzed, and all i wanted was to just watch one fucking game of hearthstone or something else i dont give a shit about, just so i could postpone figuring out what my life is supposed to be about. My immediate counter-measure was to grab  my phone and check out if anyone has been in this situation before on this site, but i couldnt find anyone else. The few journals i read people seemed so empowered at the early days, im not feeling it at all. This is like quitting cigarettes again, it's pain and im only doing it cause someone told me its better if i stop. That sounded cynical, but it isn't, i'm convinced that it will be for the greater good, im just a tad jelous of the people who seem to have it easier than me.

 

I only have two things on my mind right now. First of all theres this museum nearby i'd love to check out with my family, we used to visit it a lot when i was a kid, and it was redone a few years ago and i never got around to revisit it. Secondly, a couple of months ago i figured i would apply to a bunch of software-dev jobs, even without a degree, since i have done quite a bit of coding during my uni days, and im sure its the path i want to pursue. However i think i applied as an "escape", thinking that if anyone hired me, all my past fuckups (flunking out) would be instantly nullified since i landed a job anyway. To begin with i honestly believed that i was qualified, but after getting rejected from around 7-8 jobs over the phone/mail has taken a toll on my confindece, and it is probably right too, i think i was overconfident and wanted to believe that the exit was around the corner. However now i have three interviews at different companies in the next week and i now believe i am actually way underqaulified, and would rather start studying this summer again. But im kinda tied down by a dread of going to those interviews, it feels like an exam i havent prepared for and i think its putting a toll on me.


Right now i actually just want them all to mail me and say, "we reconsidered and theres no need to see you anyway" just so i can focus on what i believe to be ahead of me now. If i dont get a job i want to find something temporary until i can begin after summer, find a roomate, and find a fucking hobby.

 

Any input on anything is much appreciated, i feel lost and self-destructive right now.

Also, i now this is farfetched but is there an easy way to remove Gaming related stuff on youtube? Theres still a few very interesting channels i wish to follow (non-gaming related), but my feed is littered with gaming stuff, and i bet it would take the algorithm some time on it's own to figure out i dont want it there anymroe

 

 

 

Edited by JanG
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Welcome :)

The first week(s) are always the hardest, then it gets easier as soon as you see actual improvement in your life. I spent my first week of detox watching TV non-stop, then it was a breeze. What changed? I understood that it’s not much about quitting games, but replacing it with something else that makes my life better. Mainly studying, in my case.

Some tips:

-the easiest way to remove youtube gaming videos is removing youtube altogether. I didn’t do this because I never had a problem with youtube (I watched Twitch), but I see a lot of people struggling with it and as usual cold turkey is the easiest way. If you want to try another path, or you need to use youtube for other purposes, there was a guide (I think by @stablish) that allowed you to install a plugin that removed the “suggested videos” feature, so if you want to watch a specific video you have to search for it. Also, I suggest to use youtube without signing in. Without your account you don’t have subscriptions etc. Finally, remove youtube’s search history (it’s different from your browser’s) so you are not suggested videos that “interest” (trigger) you.

-since you’re not a smoker anymore (congrats!) you may find it easy to do regular exercise, like running every day or something similar. It helps your brain as well.

-(edit) I almost forgot! Watching gaming videos is the worst possible thing that you can do in your situation and you did very well when you decided to stop watching them. It’s absolutely mandatory that you stay away from gaming videos during your detox.

Edited by info-gatherer
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What I did was go into my youtube history and deleted all of the gaming videos I’ve watched, going back at least a few weeks. That coupled with unsubscribing from all gaming related channels cleared my front page of such suggestions.

You could certainly try going cold turkey as well, but not all youtube videos are bad. I’m subscribed to channels that deal with motivation, personal development, music, and cool science (kurzgesagt!). It’s much harder to “binge” on those and I don’t feel like I’m completely wasting my time. 

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18/03/18, Day 2

Oh boy did i have a lot of thoughts throughout yesterday, that i couldnt wait to put in my journal. First of all, how slow time goes, usually i would kill all my spare time with games or videos of people playing them, and would be able to "burn" off a saturday with ease. Yesterday by the time it hit noon i was flabbergasted that more time havent passed. It's super nice, but i guess only so long as theres stuff to fill the schedule. Yesterday i was able to keep busy mostly by just getting overdue housework done.

After getting a few hours into my day the cravings subsided heavily and havent felt them since, later in the evening i actually went on discord where my friends sat and gamed (just two of them). Was able to talk with them while doing some programming without getting tempted at all, thats a big success for me, since i'm a pretty social being and i need some way of talking to friends.

Planned a few events aswell. Today im going to the museum i mentioned previously with a friend of mine and my parents, gonna be pretty nice.

I had a weird situation yesterday with programming. I was reluctant to go back to it, anxious kinda, i reckon it's because its so closely tied to my "previous" person, that my brain has some trouble telling it apart from eachother, i did however cheat my anxiety by just starting to work on a simple discord bot, for pranking my mates. And the anxiety didn't ever "trigger".

 

Im gonna try and plot down 3 things im grateful for and three things i wish was better every day from now on

Grateful

  1. Never got addicted to phone games, i reckon this makes it easier to quit as it is physically easier to distance you from the games
  2. Got a lot of housework done yesterday
  3. My trip to the museum later today

Ungrateful

  1. Still anxious about the job interviews comming up
  2. It's SO bloody cold in denmark right now, its below freezing but it's the winds that makes it killer. And we are halfway through March, pleeease, i wanna go on walks without wanting to end myself.
  3. My body is still kinda weak, just getting out of a flu, wish it would clear up soon

Responds:

@info-gatherer Thanks a lot for the words of encouragement, it's nice to know that you are allowed to "pace" yourself during the intro days. And i can only agree that quitting the videos was the biggest impact to me.

@JSmith Yeah i didn't want to go cold turkey for the same reason. There's plenty of really good videos on the site, and most aren't gaming related, i specifically like videos where people create stuff. William Osman, Colin Furze, Michael reevex(?) and co. are some channels i can recommend if you want to look into that kinda stuff

Edited by JanG
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19/03/18 - Day 3

Diary

Yesterday went by in a storm, compared to the day before it. Started out the day working on a discord bot, and before i knew it, it was noon. A friend came over and we just chilled until it was time to go to the museum, and what a great trip! Afterwards i finished up my code, and just dicked around for a bit trying to find new "bitpop" artirts, but i think the genre is dead/dying :(.

Diary of thougths

I know only a few day has passed since i officially quit, but today is my week annivercary since i last played a game, and im so happy about the "new" me. Im doing all the little things that "old me" wished i could be bothered to do. Hope this feeling lasts, because it's amazing.

However all entertainment seems dead to me. Movies are boring, shows are boring, youtube is boring. Nothing can hold my interest atm. I wonder if this is the dopamine tolerance i've gotten from gaming in action? Or it might just be because i've never actually enjoyed it that much, and just had it running while gaming? i don't know, it seems frustrating right now because i cant just be programming all the time. When im cooking, or eating i would like to watch something, but everytime i just watch 1-5 minutes and the close it down, looking for another video/etc that could entertain me.

Grateful

  1. Weather is getting a lot better, even though it's still cold, its much prettier to look at from the inside
  2. Got started on my own programming projects, previously i would want to do something, but never actually sat around until inspiration hit me.
  3. My sickness is clearing up, and i might be able to start working on getting git soon.

Ungrateful

  1. The job interviews are still giving me some nervousness, even though i've found more confidence from my programming yesterday
  2. Haven't told my parents that i've stopped yet, deep down i dont want to admit to them that i was addicted, since i have been defending myself from that for so long
  3. Bitpop is dead
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Hi I just wanted to say welcome :) and about the interviews: I applied to over 40 and I got so many rejections, I got 2 to go the next step. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, that's how it goes. I remember feeling like shit after getting so many rejections but really, as some people said to me, you only need 1 acceptance. Apply to as many as you can. 

Also whay helped me is to actually go to some job fairs and find some comp sci companies and see what the company is expecting for new hires, and meeting some of the people in person. I heard back pretty soon from all the companies I got contact information from in person job fairs(whether it be rejection or acceptance), vs the random ones I applied to through indeed and other job sites. Some of which if they don't want u don't even send a courtesy email T_T so Ur lost if they even saw your application lol

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20/03/18 - Day 4

Diary

Yesterday was pretty good all things considered. The plan for the day was to transfer my simple discord bot over to an old raspberry pi i've had laying around for ages. However updating the system took ages, and i needed an extension cord to make to plug it into next to the router, and i had to repair an old one for that. In the end the pi ended up not working anyway, it wont play soundclips, and it wont give any error messages either, so i just dropped it. Feeling defeated, because i wanted to check out React.js aswell, and because the pi took so long i didnt get around to it. Hopefully i will today.

The weather was really nice though and i walked for a long trip. Really joyful, glad i did it. Hopefully i can get one in today after the job interview is done.

Diary of Thoughts

Im still really nervous about the interview comming up later today, however it's not nearly as much as the last interview i was going to (which ended up getting postponed just in the nick of time, because the interviewer got the flu). So i guess im pleased with that, would like it to go away completely, but that might be unrealistic.

I was surprised how sad i felt yesterday about not making the pi work, not mad or angry, just sad that i've wasted all that time when i could be checking out other coding related stuff. How ironic i can get that low about loosing a couple hours.

Grateful

  1. Friends, i'm starting to appreciate being able to hang around the ol' discord channel and just chat with mates, without them being judgemental about not playing with them
  2. Found a couple new podcasts that i started listening to, not AMAZEBALLS not but they are quite fine.
  3. Im tote's gonna go for a walk again today, live close to the sea, so thats always beautiful to go and look at.

Ungrateful

  1. I still hate how nervous i get about things such  as job interviews and exams. I feel like the answer is to prepare more, but no matter how much i prepare i still have this feeling
  2. Still haven't told the old ones that i stopped gaming, just haven't come around to it
  3. Also still have that feeling of dread and feeling lost about what to spend the rest of my life on

Responds:

@BigOlBeartic Thanks for the words, it means a lot. Both as help in the jobhunt, but also just feel more welcome around here. I guess the application is just a grind, and i shouldn't take the misses too hard, still though.

Didnt think about the job fairs, but tbh right now im exhausted about jobs. I kinda wanna follow through on the upcomming job interviews i got, and then if unsuccesfull just find a temp job untill the summer when i will then start studying again

Edited by JanG
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21/03/18 - Day 5

Diary

Yesterday i went to the first job interview of the three i have this week. And in my opinion the interview went pretty well, however i had a misunderstanding of what the job actually consisted of. They needed a person who knew about programming, to be their support and customer relations person in that branch. So you would know the technicalities about the customers problems, but the actual developers wouldn't be bothered by phone calls. I think i showed some dissapointment during the interview which ofcourse isn't great, and im not sure the job is right for. However thinking about it i think i've warmed more up to it, as it is a place where i can get my foot in, so to speak.

Other than that i kinda wasted my day yesterday, i bought some items i neede for my home, and then just hanged around, talking with mates on discord and watching shit on the internet. Not too proud of that.

Today i have another job interview, and for some reason i'm way more nervous about this one, than the one yesterday.

Diary of thoughts

I still feel kinda anxious about programming, and i want it gone. It must be something subconscious at this point. I have a decent/shitty idea i wanna do to learn a new javascript framework, but for some reason i deep down really dont want to get started. My leading theory is just resistance, i feel stressed about the job interviews, the job interviews is all about programming, and for that reason i find resistance when i want to do some programming at home.

The issue with this is that im stubborn, i keep insisting i should start, but i never actually do begin. This ends up with me procrastinating for quite a while instead of just giving up, and do something else productive.

Grateful

  1. Job interview went great yesterday, they will call me back before the week is up.
  2. Im glad that i got out both days while the weather was good.
  3. Job interviews will be over soon.

Ungrateful

  1. I feel bad that this is so tolling on me, it should be a joy applying for a job, but its just misery.
  2. The weather is shit again
  3. I hate that i had a non-productive day yesterday, maybe i should try and have a plan-b hobby when my programming shuts off.

 

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You should try out this trick. If there's tasks you're procrastinating on but you know you want to do them / should do them, sit down and do the task for just 5 minutes. It helps get rid of anxieties b/c you will see that you are perfectly capable of doing them!

Edited by Guest
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22/03/18 - Day 6

Diary

Another day, another interview. By the end of the week i should have a decent amount of experience huh? :D The interview yesterday went pretty well. I think they liked me as a person, but were still kinda on the fence about my technical skills. I choked a bit during the in-interview code questions, i guess i've been reliant on figuring out solutions with the help of the internet, that im unpracticed in comming up with convincing solutions on the spot. I didn't beat myself up too much, but i could feel i was dissapointed in myself. They send me home with a code test i have to send them at some point, but i can feel an aura of anxiety about it. Today i got yet another interview, and i don't feel too nervous about it to be honest. It's also later in the day compared to the rest, so might be just because it's not "around the corner" yet.

Diary of thoughts

I still have that stupid anxiety about programming. Specifically the code test they gave me. I received it in an email, and i haven't opened it yet. Not because im not interested. I guess im scared of not being able to complete it or something of the like, and like schrodingers cat i dont know if i will pass or fail if i just dont look. I guess not completing it will be a fail aswell, so now im trying to measure when it would be acceptable to complete it. I don't know why i do this. Is this the sort of stuff you go into therapy for? From my point of view it just seems that im being an immature kid, but i cant seem to change myself.

Grateful (atleast 3)

  1. Went to visit a friend after the interview yesterday. I've mostly talked with him online, and i hadn't actually seen where he lived. Was nice and we planned to cook together saturday
  2. Told my mom i aint playing games anymore. Made it sound like a casual decision, which is what i wanted.
  3. Weekend soon, and i can chill with some mates for some days. Will be nice

Ungrateful (up to 3)

  1. Still have the anxiety about programming, need to figure out a way to control it

Responds

@BigOlBearticI like the advice, but the issue is i can't make myself do the first 5 minutes. I feel scared of them. It sounds stupid but i just meet an internal resistance when i think about doing it. I know it's a long shot, but have any advice on solving that?

Edited by JanG
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Hey @JanG - so whilst I haven't been to that many interviews I have definitely been to a few that I've been rejected from. I always go into a job interview with the mentality that if I don't get it, then I'm just not ready. And that's ok because if I didn't get it then I probably didn't REALLY want that job in the first place. Looking back this is definitely the case for me!

You'll always come out wiser on the other side. Good luck with your last interview!

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Congrats on completing the interview and hope the second one went well! If you're having trouble doing the first 5 minutes then I would say just do 1 minute. Way better than nothing. If not that then 30 seconds. If you can't do the lesser times I would say get to a location out of your house with wifi, maybe even a new place you havent been to before so you can kinda 'start fresh' there so to speak. And then try to do the 5 minutes there. I feel like you can definitely solve the coding problem. The first step is just to open it and work on it for a teeny amount of time :-)

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I like your attitude. You seem to view these interviews as a growth experience, regardless of outcome (though of course a job would be nice). You're leveling up your skills, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're having fun too.

As for the resistance to work, try visualizing yourself doing the work for 5 minutes before trying it. Imagine yourself having enjoying it and finding creative solutions when you hit a brick wall in your work. If you can listen to music while doing so that may help make it fun as well.

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23/03/18 - Day 7

Diary

Heyo! Anniversary day! I can't believe it's only been a week. Time truly moves slower without gaming, im not complaining though :) Yesterday i went to the last of the three interviews. Unfortunately they didn't want me. I had the feeling pretty early in the interview that the interviewer had made his mind before i came in, but wanted to give it a shot anyway. We talked for quite a while, and i learned a few things about being employed in a place like theirs. It wasn't too bad, but now its almost weekend. Got a few arrangements filled up, so i can enjoy my weekend being social with friends. Gonna cook some delicious food on saturday and play Gloomhaven on sunday!

Diary of thoughts

I still feel beat down, i applied for  a bunch of jobs a couple weeks ago, which resulted in me having three interviews this week alone, and to be honest i have been dreading them. I admitted to myself that im probably underqualified. I was looking forward to get it over with, not get a job, and then working as a temp somewhere else until summer so i can start studying or something. But yesterday i got a new invite to another interview, and i should be happy about, but at the same time i feel like i already know how it will work out, and i don't wanna go through this again just for the sake of doing it. It wouldn't be until after easter, and i cant really go about getting a temp job before im done interviewing? Maybe i could. i don't know.

Grateful (atleast 3)

  1. Weekend is almost upon us, and i will spend it with great people!
  2. Might go somewhere to spend easter, don't know yet.
  3. Getting mah pappa on visit for coffee this afternoon, gonna be great!
  4. Grateful about this community, honestly guys, it fills my heart comming here.

Ungrateful (up to 3)

  1. Still trying to deal with the procrastination.
  2. Here in DK we had 2 days that signaled that spring had begun, but it was just a bait :(

Responds

@Tycoon Thanks for the words. I did a lot of thinking about the worst possible outcome, and put plainly it's the exact same situation as im already in, being jobless. I think some of the doubt/guilt comes from fear of dissapointing the parents you know?

@BigOlBeartic, @Pierce, @Cam Adair Yeah you are right, most of the time the "pain" goes away when you actually get started. And thanks for the kind words pierce

 

 

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24/03/18 - Day 8

Diary

Yesterday was pretty decent, i met up with my father for coffee and croissants. Great time, and got to talk about some stuff in my future. Today im meeting up with a couple pals to cook the shit out of some fancy fish. Cant wait its gonna be great.

Diary of thoughts

Gave myself the day off completely. But i feel like i've lost my drive for the day being atleast. Instead of getting up early and take a shower and some meditation (headspace app) and go for a walk, i just dragged myself to my sofa and watched some netflix, for some hours.  Now that im looking at it in retrospect, i think i forgot how to relax without gaming. Its only a couple hours of entertainment before my friends come over, and i probably shouldn't feel to guilty about it right?

Grateful (atleast 3)

  1. Past me have been very good at planning social events this weekend, so im reaping the benefits now.
  2. My apartment is almost squeeky clean. Bedsheets and windows could use a hand, but thats about it
  3. Started reading a book about perfectionism, thanks @Arch

Ungrateful (up to 3)

  1. Still feel guilty about some work ethics stuff.
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Boiiii (or gurrllllll) i Dunno which xD I think you should be extremely proud of yourself for landing those interviews! I know a lot of people who apply to tons and don't even hear back! This shows that you're a good candidate and qualified enough to get to that stage. Reading your journal I just feel like you're beating yourself up a bit too much or have low self esteem about this which you absolutely shouldn't! Slay those interviews :3

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02/04/18 - Day 17

Diary

Oh wow i got a long break from my computer, hence the reason i haven't been keeping up lately. A little over a week ago i packed my computer down to make desk-space to play some boardgames with some mates. Didn't get around to pack out my PC again afterwards, as i wasnt using it that much after quitting gaming. Went to visit my parents at their vacation home during the easter. Came back some days ago, but kept busy with more board games, more cooking and a lot of reading and many walks. In the last week i've decided to start studying again this summer, and find a job as whatever i can get until then to earn some monays. Gonna contact an agency tomorrow and see how it goes, as its still closed for easter.

Im very happy to be back at the forums.

 

@BigOlBeartic THanks man, yeah i have been battling with low self-esteem all my life. But unfortunately its not as easy as just persuading oneself. :/

Edited by JanG
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03/04/18 - Day 18

Diary

Not much happened yesterday, but i'm starting a diet today or tomorrow. Haven't really decided yet. It's Keto and i've done it before, and the introductory period is so much nicer when you have done some preparation. Not much new since yesterday. But im still truckin on!

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  • 2 weeks later...

16/04/18 - Day 30

Diary

Not been sticking around the forums as much lately, but take it as a good sign. I've become more independent in my attempt to become a non-gamer, and i dont require the community i found here as much. I don't think too much about gaming anymore and im really happy about it. I figured i would come back since its my one month anniversary.

I've been having a few withdrawals the last couple of days, itching to play games like rimworld and dwarf fortress. But i have been resisting them no problem lately. Just figured its something to put in the diary.

Good luck to all ya all, and to the few friends i've gotten here, im still looking once in a while, just not with the same vigor i used to.

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