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Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)

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Day 61.

Today was better, I took the last thoughts of my mind and didnt try to try and am feeling more peaceful with myself tonight. 

I didn't meditate or run today, I stayed up last night till 4AM talking to Spanish people on Speakly... it's pretty fun and am learning rather quickly.

I sanded some wooden faces in preparation for painting and painted the ceiling of the room afterwards.

My sister made a vegetarian meal finally! I see this as a step where she is becoming more aware of her health and also I appreciate it a lot because it is the food I also want to eat.

Didn't watch any streams today and no desire to play games still. Looking at the bigger picture helped to keep my problems in perspective.

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Day 62,

I'm sleeping later than usual lately and using the computer alot. I slept at 12:30AM last night and woke up at 8AM forgetting to meditate. I went for a run at 4:30PM. I'm staying up just downloading a bunch of courses I'm interested in - photography, tai chi, strength training, cooking, etc. I'm collecting alot of resources that I don't know I will use them all but I want to get them all to have a lot of knowledge available to me. I can see my obsessive behaviour in this. 

I watched a bunch of photography videos today with a technique I'm interested in using next time I shoot landscapes - exposure bracketing. With it you can increase the potential dynamic range of a landscape shot by stitching together two photos in one to capture the shadows and highlights and put them together in post. I want to go out and practice this one of these days.

I painted the trim faces of the wood around the windows today with a layer of top coat. Slowly it's becoming quite nice looking.

 

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Day 64,

Meditation - yes, Running - yes.

It's been raining constantly since Saturday which affects my desire to do shit. I renewed by passport today for the trip later this year. I've been watching a lot of twitch lately, no desire to game but I heavily procrastinate on it.

Last night I talked to several people in Spanish, It's quite fun. I learnt that divertido means 'funny' in spanish but I was conversing and asking this one person on how to use it to say 'fun' She said that you can use divertido to mean 'fun' too. I asked for this distinction because what I was trying to say that learning spanish was 'fun' but in the intellectual way, not the entertainment way which divertido translates to.

We had the loudest thunder I've ever heard tonight, I took out my camera and started recording some shots in high iso black n white. Nature is so powerful sometimes. I wish it will be sunny tomorrow. I  plan to finish off the garden step and paint the by this coming Monday or Tuesday and leave back to Wellington after those tasks.

 

Edited by Arch

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Day 65,

Meditation - yes, Running - yes.

Finished a step today, one more to go tomorrow. I felt free to not work on it since I was ahead of schedule but now realise that I've been feeling lethargic because the idea of not having the goal completed has been in the back of my head whilst trying to start on a different task (painting). Aiming to finish it all tomorrow. I taped up the rest of the edges of the walls ready for painting tomorrow, one wall at a time.

I learnt something new that I'll try to incorporate into my run tomorrow which is to self congratulate myself with positive emotions. I read this on the Fabulous app where it says that if you associate your habits with positive emotions you look forward to doing them and the habit becomes reinforced. I'm going to start trying to sleep at 11PM from now to see if I can get another hour in the night which is precious. I think 7 hours of sleep is pretty good for me.

I came back to continuing the well-being online course from Coursera.org. It's a wonder how much our brains are sitting there waiting for self-damnation if we don't put awareness on our thoughts and beaviours. This whole journey is about habit building I think and placing self-catch measures to make sure to do them - alarm clock, water drinking, mindsets, journaling, etc. So far i've changed my sleeping schedule, run regularly and drink more water and less food in general. Overall, I'm progressing and I am happy about that.

 

Edited by Arch

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Day 66,

I started the day poorly but ended it well. 

Didn't meditate or exercise in the morning because I got out of bed and just went back to sleep and woke up at 7:40AM. I procasinated till 12:30 then started working on the last step of the garden. I am done with my goal! I looked back at what I created over the duration of time I spent working on it and reminded myself to feel good emotions about the accomplishment. I'll try take a video of the whole set of steps.

I painted one side of a wall, 3 more to go. The night time was approaching quickly and I wanted to go run before it went pitch black, I hesitated by just told myself I could do it and just went out and stopped thinking about doing it and did it :) Felt annoyed with myself for not running in the morning but felt much better for redeeming myself. 

I did two more chapters of Science of Well-being. Today I learned that Gratitude is very important. The lecturer showed research where it indicated that gratitude for one's spouse within marriages can make the person who practices gratitude not notice the bad problems of a marriage like non-communication. She also described 4 methods to thwart hedonic adaptation (which is getting used to things that you think will make you feel good). These methods were Savoring your experiences, Negative Visualization, Make this day your last and Gratitude.

Savoring our experiences is being mindful of the experience you are having in the moment. This act forces you to notice the experience for a longer duration and keeps your attention on it. Other activities toe talking to another person about how good it felt, thinking about how lucky you are to experience this, telling yourself how proud you were and more. Now that I see some facts about Gratitude's effectiveness I'm a bit more inclined to practice it.

My gratitude for today:1.Comfy bed to get a full rest 2. Computer to access so much information to change my life positively 3. Warm clothes to not be in anxiety from the cold 4 feijoa fruits that have a unique texture, taste and fragrance 5. A welcoming family to provide me a safe space to stay.

I tried to find a remix of this but there weren't any better than the original :)

 

Edited by Arch

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Day 67, 

Meditated - a little, Running - yes.

I woke up but went back to sleep after going for a run. I slept at 12:30AM and woke at 7:30, but even with 7 hours of sleep it seems that the further I sleep after 11PM the more lingering effects of lethargy that remains. Did some more painting of the wall skirtings, pretty lazy day. Booked my buses back to Wellington and I will go back this Wednesday. I'll record the garden steps tomorrow as it is forecasted to be sunny. I feel I have stagnated considerably since being at my father's house. I have easy access to a kitchen, computer, shower, etc and it's put me in a too comfortable places where I don't have pressure on myself to work for my environment so am looking forward to moving back to the colder, less comfortable Wellington.

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Day 68,

Day off Miracle Morning so I didn't meditate or run. Again didn't do much today, I painted a 2nd coat on the skirtings and door/window frames of the other room as I could see the paint of the wood behind it. Here's the video of the steps completed: 

I watched my thoughts today and more recently. A lot of it consists of just constant thinking. Thinking about my sister and partner's behaviors and what I want to see them do. I realise I'm projecting outwards what I want myself to be on others which isn't useful nor healthy for my well-being constantly judging others. I hope that with more persistent awareness of this judgement behaviour I can shift my focus from out and instead towards myself and what I can change for my own improvement. I say that I am not a judgemental person but I do it all the time trying to see the best in others but this seems to be a mere extension of my perfectionist thoughts. This probably has correlation with my efforts of meditation, which have been weak at best as of late. This is also due to my infatuation with wanting to do alot - in reality I don't do too much, but in comparison to when I would just game, it is day and night difference. My wanting to do a lot is when I use the reference point of others in my life who I have seen/heard/known about which may not be a useful reference point to see my progress rationally and effective.

My sister's partner was about to play a mobile game after dinner and my sister told him to turn it off. He did and I was intrigued to talk about video game addiction and how they are mostly designed like gambling machines these days. We talked about other things and I held off my desire to return to the computer at least for 15 minutes which I acknowledge as me prioritizing relationships higher than I used to. I also realise that I have a internet addiction and I'm looking forward to one less computer to use back in Wellington.

Gratitude: Pumpkin soup, sunny days in Winter, Lemons to zest up the taste in food, socks to keep my feet warm and Rooibois tea to warm up my body and mind.

 

Edited by Arch

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Day 69,

I woke up at 8:30AM because I slept late last night to watch the finals of a Dota tournament. I acknowledge now that watching twitch is no longer aloud if I want to get where I want which is working, social, and energized to start the day. It just counteracts exactly my goals and for this reason I have to sacrifice this twitch viewing addiction the same way I did with playing games.

I did meditate for a few minutes and went running.

I painted 2nd coats on some of the surfaces I missed yesterday and now the room is ready to have it's walls painted.

I cooked this tonight, very delicious and filling, everyone remarked their enjoyment of their meal and so was I. https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/7732/pumpkin-curry-with-chickpeas

My older brother called me tonight and talked to me about life purposes and we conversed our thoughts to each other. He seems to be more clear about what he wants but is at the same time conflicted by his own behaviors - it's a solemn solace to know that I'm not someone special with these problems and that everyone is struggling in their own life in their own way. I think this is healthy for me as I quietly tend to see myself as a special victim to life's circumstances but with these reference experiences I can see this is not true. It's about not what happened to us, but what we chose to do now with what we have.

 

Edited by Arch

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On 3/13/2018 at 11:58 PM, Arch said:

From my experience living with family and friends is a must. The contrast is quite stark for me; here in the city I live alone and in my hometown, the small interactions I would have with my sister and brothers brought a level of accountability that made me want to 'help-out' and pitch in.

So that's one thing I realised: Change environment to meet my goals.

I'm back to square one with detox but feel I am learning more about my condition and the triggers that trip me back into relapse. I want to start writing more on here as an accountability tool.

My dream is to talk to people easily and die knowing I had a happy life with friends :)

I plan to start running as soon as my Achilles/ankle injury heals up. 

 I think not living closer to my family and childhood friends has also been a trigger for my own struggles, and loneliness is driving my current cravings I think. I'm hoping that moving back home in a few months will be a step in the right direction for me,  rather than the step backwards I sometimes perceive it to be.  Today is day one again for me, even though my slip up was small. I'm also struggling with injury (knee) and running, and I'm realising that I'm going to have to take some time out for it to heal, which is mega frustrating! 

It's really inspiring to see how far you've come since then, you're doing really well! :)

 

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8 hours ago, Bugg said:

 I think not living closer to my family and childhood friends has also been a trigger for my own struggles, and loneliness is driving my current cravings I think. I'm hoping that moving back home in a few months will be a step in the right direction for me,  rather than the step backwards I sometimes perceive it to be.  Today is day one again for me, even though my slip up was small. I'm also struggling with injury (knee) and running, and I'm realising that I'm going to have to take some time out for it to heal, which is mega frustrating! 

It's really inspiring to see how far you've come since then, you're doing really well! :)

 

Thanks. Yea, I think we've been accustomed to neglect our social needs with gaming. Deep down inside we need it and infact a big but rather understated reason we game was to have social connections of belonging. I realised yesterday that I started watching twitch regularly again because I missed the social aspect provided by the chat (their memes and identity within each streamer's channels) besides it being an easy source of procrastination.

Also gaming subverts our notions of progress because in the game world things happen fast but in real life things happen slow. So we need to respect and allow for patience to let time set its course. Our learnt conditioning goes heavily against that so it takes awareness before we fall into the trap.

I like your profile picture btw.

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Day 70,

Meditation - Yes, Running Yes.

Vacuumed the lounge and upstairs, wanted to leave the place looking clean before I left as a small kindness to my sister and her partner. Didn't do much else just relaxing before leaving.

I enjoyed me stay here, it was quite stable in terms of allowing me to build some habits and discipline but it's time for me to grow and create something for my own back home. I expect things to be difficult and I'm going to persevere and wriggling through the uncomfortableness.

My goals:

1. Look for part-time work or one-off jobs to save money for the trip to South America

2. Start Social Anxiety therapy that I bought a while ago (By Thomas A. Richards of Social Anxiety Institute for those interested)

3. Learn Spanish to be able to order food, ask for directions, etc in preparation of travelling to South America

4. Exercise / Find a group to play Football socially with.

5. Develop Vegetarian Diet.

6. Develop Miracle Morning routine to incorporate Affirmations and Vizualisations using the vision board.

7. Practice Photography and connect with other photographers using meetups to see if I can actually make money out of this/develop career and to find out if It's what I really want to do.

8. Buy a separate dated Journal to start a Gratitude Journal.

Grateful for: Bananas to fuel my runs in the morning, cold showers for the rush of aliveness it gives, tastebuds to give variety of flavours to experience, a shaved head that requires no maintenance :D And the compassion to lift me up to strive to be a better human being.

 

Edited by Arch

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(I thought I posted this last night but it didn't go through)

Day 71,

I woke up and meditated a little. Hesitated with exercising a little but reminded myself the path I'm on and just went out. Always feel better after I came back sweating against the bite of the cold crisp air. And then this leads me into the exhilarating cold shower for 30 seconds where my body heats up to ignite my inner body's heat. My mornings are definitely the best part of my days.

I packed my clothes and was also able to disassemble my tripod to fit it in as well which I'm happy about. I smashed a bunch of walnut shells to provide myseñf with something to snack on the long bus home.

It was a rainy day as usual but I packed my phone with plenty of things to keep me busy. I revisited two Spanish lectures to brush I'm my understandings of grammar. Later I talked to Alexys over the phone, I was scared of calling at first but we had a really fun experience. It's crazy how our thoughts are so off most of the time just based off irrational fear. In the morning he called me amigo and I responded with Amiga, thinking he was a girl based off his name ending with xys, how a girl in English end with Alexis but also because he had a profile pic of a girl in his picture. This was a hilarious moment and told me he was a chico (guy). Only problem with calling people living in South American countries Is that they are 14-16 hours time difference from NZ so basically we can only talk when it is late (11-12pm) for one or the other. I'm going to see if I can find some meetups for Spanish speakers get togethers as I don't think it's reliable to set up language exchange when someone is basically too tired to converse as well as that it eats into my sleeping schedule and Miracle Morning.

I'm now back in Wellington and it is 8 degrees at night. Tommorow's plan is to buy a beanie, buy spices to cook flavourful foods and maybe a pot and pan, to print workbook related paper for Social Anxiety and create a separate folder for it.

Edited by Arch

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Day 72,

I meditated a little... I'm not sure I'm able to meditate unguided for 10 minutes in a human constructed environment. I've been trying to over the last 2 weeks and the effects have been rather weak. I guess I'm trying to focus too much on meditating but my thoughts are so dying for attention, it's rocky. But that's the point of it all isn't it, to sit comfortably with your thoughts and not let them effect me. The sunrise has been coming up half hour later to I have moved my alarm to 6.30AM so I can run when the sunrises around 7.20AM.

I bought a pair of gloves, a beanie and a package of 5 small notebooks. I'm going to use the notebooks to write my to-do list each day to begin building the habit of being organized and disciplined. I came back home and trued avoiding laying under the blankets, so I listened to Hal Elrods podcast about the 5 G's of goal setting. I'm going to sit down and go through them after my run tomorrow. There's some other things in there that I don't do like having an accountability partner which I think I can ask my oldest brother to help out with.

I had an hour nap after this. This is my problem with winter, it's cold so I think to just crawl in bed for warmth because I'm not moving about. My solution needs to involve activities to keep warm and not sleep away the day.

I revisited some more verbs in Spanish. Singular pronoun verbs end with o, as and an. Hablo for yo(I), hablas (tú, you), habla (ella and él) and hablan when talking about Ellas (she), ellos (they or group of males) or ustedes (you formal). 

I watched interstellar, I felt it was a little overated. The idea was interesting but had a weird pacing and somewhat let down by performances by McConaughey and the supporting actress. They just didn't seem to fit their roles really and felt a bit forced. Maybe it was me expecting too much but I've seen time loop stories done with better effect using simpler methods such as Predestination.

I did cry a few times where there were moments between McConaughey and his daughter but they were mostly due to the powerful use of emotional soundtracks and their long separation imposed on the viewer by the films much longer than usual running time of 2 hours 49 minutes. 3 stars from me. Time travel films don't really benefit from being unnecessarily complicated I think.

 

Edited by Arch

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Day 73, 

Meditation went better today, I focused on the process more and felt my eyes closing and slowed down my thoughts with the pace of my breath. I had less resistance to running today as it was gladly a little warmer but also that I changed the order of my routine. I ate oats before going for a run 20 minutes later which warmed me up nicely. The right side of my knee seems to be weak persistently, over the last 5 years or so I notice it seems weak somehow. I usually do a stretch to warm and get it ready for running which helps alot but eventually it makes itself be felt. I wonder if there's some arthritis related stuff happening there, my mother and oldest brother both have arthritis issues. I'll start taking fish oil pills to help it.

I began to write in my to-do list and it helped alot to get things done. I took out two plastic bags full of clothes to the nearby clothing bin and I think I have still some more to give away. It's amazing how much things we have that we don't use! I did this because I want to clean up my environment for a clear, working mind.

I also bought 2 AA batteries for my old-school alarm clock - the champion of my morning habits. I had been using my phone the last few weeks for the alarm, but I am glad I'm back to using this old type alarm; nothing is as frighteningly powerful as this clock which ships my ass like an army drill :)

I talked to Alexys more, God he's fun to talk to. Something about being clumsy with language and laughing at each other's mistakes and our own makes the learning so fun. I wonder if it's also a cultural thing, if people from more family, communal based societies learn to laugh at silly things and take life a little less seriously. I'm really enjoying our exchanges, we just share bullshit with each other but are also eager to learn from each other. It's kinda sad but I haven't had a friend like this in years... Which I'm grateful for.

Spanish of the Day: tendré - it's the future tense of tiene (have) i.e "mañana tendré un día un poco estresante" Tomorrow I have a little stressful day"

I went to a local council operated netcafe for work only and printed out my grand vision, goals, game-plan, guidance and get it done answers. I'm tired right now but I'll cut them up and post them on my vision board tommorow morning to help guide me on my path.

Whilst in the netcafe I looked up local events that was happening and found out there was a light festival going on. I walked there and back which was at least 5K's minus the actual walking about in the festival. I took my 85mm which I hardly use but I think I got kinda meh shots, it's hard to tell without a proper monitor but it was hard to tell stories. The most obvious one was the interaction of attendees faces with the lights spilling on their faces but feel a little awkward shooting people. I think there's one or two good ones in there. 

Grateful: kids that brighten up the 'real world' with their spontaneity and care-freeness, a friend across the world who doesn't speak English but is funny and friendly, warm gloves and snowboard jackets, soup and my compassion for myself that continues to burn the fuel for my life. 

Edited by Arch

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Day 74,

Today was very good. I practised meditation with the same mindset of focusing on the process and visualising my focus on my breath, I got a bit of calmness doing this.

I didn't run today because I had a volunteer role today to help out a small local community music impromptu stage performance set up a a park and expected to be running around alot. I didn't eat much today so think it's ok, I'll run tomorrow which is normally my day off. It's weird taking a day off my miracle morning seems so disastrous to simply take a day off. I find it a challenge that keeps my mind sharp by following these routines, habits and measurable lifestyle with deadlines. I look to make my miracle morning 7 days in the long run, it's that fucking good.

I met an Indian guy called Rohind at the volunteer gig and I was talking passionately about my miracle morning.  He referred to how he and his wife usually say they will plan to go out for a walk or something but when the day comes they end up putting it off. I responded by saying that I have difficulty in this too but I think it's related to seeing the end goal. I continued, that after you achieve something you need to celebrate that achievement with positive emotions so that next time you think of doing that activity, you are reminded of how good you felt after doing it and that helps you to drive through. There's of course other things to do with building that discipline but this is what came to my mind as I'm recently trying to remember to celebrate successes. 

The point of the aforementioned paragraph is not to gloat about my knowledge but to be amazed once again that Rohind has a job working as an accountant, yet he has difficulty in pushing through against the discomfort of exercising discipline for his health. I am used to beating myself up for not working but here Rohind provides me with yet another reference point to remind me that everyone has their own problems. Mine is getting work that I don't self-sabotage myself in, his was pushing through the discomfort of exercising versus the cold. This puts me a more rational perspective where I don't see myself at the bottom of a pit thinking other people are in dreamy heavens with no problems and is helping me build my self-worth.

I filled out several things in my Google calendar and it helps seeing my tasks ahead and how much time I have alotted for them and if the times I've set seem reasonable or not. I've started reading Dale Carnegie to work towards my goal of being social. I met a Kizomba dance teacher at the volunteer gig and he has me convinced to come check out his Dance classes 5-7pm tomorrow. He says it's similar to salsa and has an emphasis on 'connection'.

Here's a video exhibiting the dance:

I have moved my MM wake up time to 6AM to get more things done.

Edited by Arch
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51 minutes ago, Arch said:

Day 74,

 I've started reading Dale Carnegie to work towards my goal of being social.

I have moved my MM wake up time to 6AM to get more things done.

"I've started reading Dale Carnegie to work towards my goal of being social". I have read this book a lot of years ago but I forgot about his ideas. What is the most important thought in this book for you?

"I have moved my MM wake up time to 6AM to get more things done". I also want to wake up early.

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On 5/26/2018 at 11:32 PM, kef777 said:

"I've started reading Dale Carnegie to work towards my goal of being social". I have read this book a lot of years ago but I forgot about his ideas. What is the most important thought in this book for you?

So far I've read the first chapter and the teaching principle is:

"Don't criticize, condemned and complain"

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Days 75,

Quick update. I meditated, getting better now - process over outcome. Did a short core workout via Fabulous app instead of my usual run.

Gave away another duffel bag worth of clothes to the local community church.

Called me oldest brother at 10AM and be shared with each other our goals for the week and measurable action plans to achieving them. At the end we accepted to make a transaction of $30 from me to him if I didnt achieve my goals by the next Sunday accountability call and $50 foe him to me I'd he didn't as well.

I attended the Kizomba dance teaching and had alot of fun and met some new people. Today there is a social as well which I plan to attend as well. Here is a picture of me and the Kizomba dancers! 5b0ac5e41da68_Kizombadance27_05.2018-1305x979.thumb.jpg.68418a9d9fdb14911f6a4bf2629e3c8d.jpg

Grateful for: women to dance with, the cold to keep me on my toes, dark chocolate 72% warmth, my courage to take action and a father who I can talk to and joke with.

Edited by Arch
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Day 76, 

I woke up late today at 8.30am. I didn't really meditate but did exercise doing a 7 minute workout via Fabulous app.

After completing 3 days of writing my to-do list, Fabulous offered me the next routine to start which is to cut down the to-do list to the 3 most important 3 tasks to do this day that have relation to achieving my goals and rank them in order of importance:

A. Put my goals and game-plan on the vision board. 

B. Read Social Anxiety material and read Dale Carnegie. I did the former but not the latter.

C. Look up Spanish meetups to attend one.

Later this night I went to the Kizomba social, here's proof.

IMG_20180528_223059-1305x979.thumb.jpg.5940282490ae570904f2af7a61bcce57.jpg

Some thoughts that I wrote down in my journal that may be of interest to any reader.

"We should look at ourselves before we judge others, because how we judge others is how we judge ourselves"

This is my rephrased understanding from Dale Carnegie where in his writing he says nearly all the crooked men rationalize their destructive behavior defending themselves after murdering and such. From this insight, Carnegie reveals that if we don't turn that judging outlook inwards to see where we are going wrong, we will be blind to our own blunders just like the 'bad guys' we ourselves condemn. This goes beyond murderous people to the mundane actions in our everyday life. I caught myself judging about 20 times today with this perspective. The ego I've allowed to be created runs the show unconsciously and I am further skeptical if this act of catching myself is yet again ego in another disguise playing a facade as if I can outsmart myself and feel good about it. The mind is such a mystery...

"There is no point in planning for the future if we cannot plan to enjoy the present moment" this one is from Alan Watts if IIRC.

Spanish WotD: Liso (smooth)

El plátano es liso (The banana Is smooth). El piso se sentía liso (The floor felt smooth).

Grateful for: my courage to attend the Kizomba social

Pushing my self to say hi to many people - I probably talked to 30 people today 0.0 albeit briefly and some longer.

My journal which cleans out the rough edges of my thoughts and delivers it in a more precise clear-headed manner, valuable with insights. 

Bananas as a long lasting energy food for my days.

Again, the compassion for myself to get myself out of the shit hole I was in - this can't really be over emphasized enough because it is only you that can help yourself and that requires the kindness and belief that you are capable of living and even thriving in this world. Most of my life I didn't think I deserved to live, now I'm excited to act in life.

Another Malone classic.

 

Edited by Arch

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Day 77,

I had a low day today, I think because I spent too long at the dance last night and came back home to sleep and post my journal late. After I posted my GQ journal and turned my light off, I closed my eyes for 2 seconds and felt like I could do journal my experience of going out so I wrote that in my personal journal. I ended up asking a girl to make out but she refused, I analysed why this was and it was alot of mistakes on my end. I wasn't too unhappy with getting rejected because I felt strong to doing something I dreaded. There was many gorgeous ladies, I talked to alot of them but I'm still doing interview style conversations lol, with time and practice :D

I meditated this morning and ran. My 3 important tasks where to add affirmations to vision board, I revisited Hal Elrods list of affirmations but remembered I had written my own 2 months earlier near the beginning of my journey. So I felt confused as to which to use (perfectionism) and ended up following a link to the miracle morning FB group. From there I procrastinated and ended up unfollowing all the 'fun' pages I followed when I used to use Facebook. Later I fell asleep feeling tired from only 5 hours of sleep and woke up at 9.30AM.

I had the thought that I should try turning FB into a more useable socializing app for my Kizomba meetups, potential photography people and Spanish speaking locals. I'm quite hesitant to use Facebook after learning the dangers of FB from the Science of WB research. I just need to have it be used with intention but I found myself almost instantly just scrolling down a few posts and then realized I was being lured with it's addictive qualities.

After all this procrastination, I ended up momentarily thinking about a girl I was dancing with and had gotten a boner. Soon afterwards, I opened up porn :) I hadn't masterbated in a week so I'm not beating myself up. But the more important lesson is of the downward spiral of how procrastination begins with no sleep and it's effects on concentration and intention. 

Oh yeah I went to the city and looked at some different accommodation that's located in the city. I later walked around the city and shot low light street photography. I'll process these tomorrow.

I'm going to sleep fuck y'all ?

Edited by Arch

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Day 78,

Meditation - yes. Run - yes.

I spent my day today visiting my mum. I sometimes think what it would be like if I would be in her shoes if my family didn't visit me in a while - I would get sad. I know how much happiness she gets from me being there but I'm setting boundaries between us because frankly she's addicted to me in a non-healthy way. She doesn't see it as she rationalizes it as ' being a loving mother' Her background is an Iraqi women from the baby boomers, women from the middle East heavily believe in their ties to family. She seemed much better than our last encounter in my hometown so I was happy about that and was also listening a fair bit. Later towards dinner time she became the clingy mother again, filling my plate with meat and overfilling my takeaway bag with excess food. I am appreciative of her kindness but these efforts go against my values and when I express them she doesn't listen :/ o well. I'm planning to maybe just visit her once a week, it honestly is an unhealthy mother-son relationship where she sees me as some little boy.

Anyways... Whilst I was there my stepdad offered to ask a friend of his to see if I could get a job painting. That friend asked one of his friends and I called that guy and set up an interview on Tuesday. I asked for 2 days of work for now just so I can ease myself back into the workforce as I haven't worked in a looooong time, overall I'm pretty happy about it. My dad and older brother both said they would top me up a dollar for every dollar I make so I think I may be able to find this South America trip.

I know I'm spoiled. My mom even offered me to have $100 to help out with whatever, I was annoyed... I told her that these things are making me have difficulty managing money when I have such free access to it. I ended up taking $40 to help with paying for the dance classes and train transport. Still I'm pretty sure my issue with being spoiled is related due to having so many things taken care for me. What do I do? Move to another country, ditch my family and block all contact? Lol. I'm grateful for my family but for some reason they think throwing money at me is gonna help me. First world problems xD. 

I also processed some more recent photographs here they are:

Mountain sweep 2Gazing eyes of a DemonVengeful Spirit 2Light of a BirdSwing light trailsCurious lightLux signNight Howls-7Night Howls-3Night Howls-4

Grateful for: photography, family, food, legs to get me to places and keep me active and dancing.

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Day 79, 

Had good sleep today in preparation of giving my best self for volunteering. I meditated for 5 mins and ran.

We planted Some plants near the Kaiwharawhara stream on the other side of the city and planted some Pareceta in another location to protect the soil from getting waterlogged and allowing for new layers of growth to occur or maybe they were just for looks lol. PhotoPictureResizer_180531_222453144-979x1305.thumb.jpg.31f0063dde5b0f5f9cbe03d41be4a8f4.jpg

After that we all worked on clearing a side of a little sloped hill of Tradescantia a.k.a as the Wandering Willie which prevents growth underneath by blanketing whole forest floors from sunlight. It's very hard to get rid of and basically grows back in a month or 2 and needs redoing. This conservation work was good, kept me warm doing something helpful for the environment that gives us all we have ever gotten and I met some new people and socialized a bit.

Later as a reward we went and saw some eels sheltering in a stream passing Owhiro community garden IMG_20180531_143519-1305x979.thumb.jpg.0dbca0a5874f81aafe5dfa4684ac3b70.jpg

The volunteers where two older gentlemen and 3 girls. They made for a entertaining bunch and most of the day was filled with conversation :)

I came back home and ran again and did a 10 minute Fabulous intense workout, it felt more intense than my run 0.0. I watched lesson 5 of my Spanish course and can now count up to ? in Spanish. 

I read chapter two of Dale Carnegie and this chapters message is to give genuine praise to people and make them feel appreciated. Carnegie distinguishes the difference between flattery and genuine appreciation and that flattery is very bad in general as it's dishonest. He also mentions that what separates man from animal is their wanting to feel great or important. This is why when people feel appreciated, they feel good because they feel important. He says that this is an actual need in our deepest of desires. We fill our stomachs with potatoes and meat for nutrition yet we neglect our friends, families and co-workers self-esteems which is built on the basis of giving appreciation.

I'll try practice this tomorrow. 

Grateful for: The environment that holds us above it and keeps us alive, conversation, sea, tea and my running shoes.

Edited by Arch

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Day 80,

I woke up and went downstairs to eat my breakfast wholegrain oatmeal. I forgot that I didn't have any left and went upstairs and went to sleep. All because I hadn't prepared me breakfast. I woke up an hour and a bit later and walk to the supermarket and bought my breakfast ingredients. This is a reminder that the success in life is determined greatly by the preparation one does before the actual event.

I ran afterwards and felt a little guilty of waking up late so I combined my runs, one short with my normal long one. I did some fabulous core exercises as well. I went to town and viewed a flat, I have decided to move into this flat two weeks from now, so on the 15th of June. It's closer to town, laundry and washing don't charge and there is dedicated fridge space for tenants, two showers - one for each floor and is a non-party quiet type of people. I'm moving closer to town so that I can possibly walk to potential work but also be close to social events which usually happen near the city. Also I want to cook and the lack of fridge space in my current place bothers me in my goal of learning to cook. Most people like I am right now complain about a certain situation and do nothing about it but I want to be a person who looks for solutions instead of being addicted to complaining. 

It's getting a little more obvious now when I hear people complaining especially myself. The first person I said hi to in the morning was sitting in her shop and the first thing she said after I said "How are you?" was "cold, I forgot my socks". I asked "why don't you go get your socks then?" My goal was to push myself and try to talk to someone even if I didn't want to - a positively energized mission yet her complaining seemed so distasteful to my state as I was trying to bring some warmth to her morning. To repeat, most people would rather complain than do something about it. Most importantly the question to ask is "where am I doing that?"

Anyways... I want to have a great growth period and a nice homebase from which that is to spurt from in my new place. My goal is to practice socializing with this new homebase and also cook more.

I cooked Carrot and Ginger soup tonight as part of my accountability goal, I need to cook one more recipe by Sunday. IMG_20180601_223406-979x1305.thumb.jpg.245b7e71b2e45983b611721b59426e3c.jpg

IMG_20180601_230727-979x1305.thumb.jpg.14f57b090b906249401dda1366b7bb62.jpgIMG_20180601_230218-1305x979.thumb.jpg.b8f9f4b907890e084a0ddfb768baeba1.jpg

I practiced appreciating people's efforts today when I could and I found it does have a noticeable impact on building a positive energy. I thanked the supermarket clerk for resupplying the Oats as it had run out. My morning breakfast is very important to me and he looked somewhat busy but out of his vitality he was able to promptly check the stocks and attend to my request. Now I am curious as to how to figure out if a person is genuinely receiving appreciation or recieving light flattery. I myself have problems recieving compliments so find it difficult in seeing others recieve it to. Maybe I should start with myself :)

Grateful for: warm soups, helpful people, smartphones that allow everybody to have the power of a king mere decades ago. Umbrellas to enjoy my walks in the rain and Game Quitters forum system that remembers what I wrote in my journal even after I accidentally exit out of it ;)

 

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Day 81,

Today, I agreed to take up the new flat next Saturday and gave me leaving notice. I feel like I've grown more in these 3 months more than I ever have... In my whole life. I meditated and ran today. I'm gaining so much momentum I feel.

I went shopping at the local veggie market and got corriander, a ? and a capsicum along with tofu. The dish I made tonight was tofu stirfry, Soo delicious ;) this completed my last goal for the week - cook two cheap meals and learn how to make them

5b126bd74c46b_TofuStirfy-1305x979.thumb.jpg.5fc9e33db67ed784402c90d52cd2a40b.jpg

I think this can be eaten without bread honestly but you'd need to make more https://craftlog.com/us/cooking/ext-easy-tofu-stir-fry-xct3

I went out to town and shot more photos to meet my photography goals of shooting at least twice, maximum 4 times. Nearly all of them are on my m4/3 camera and will need to be processed. For now I have this to share IMG_20180602_202800-979x1305.thumb.jpg.1a5ac98c3b91a5246d68b611efdd4583.jpg

I absolutely love the colours that come out of this Lil phone camera and it even looks like it has more dynamic range than my bigger camera. I remember when we had this hip cutting edge course we did at Uni where we were given iPod touch a, iPhone 3Gs and the very first iPad and were told to use these future devices to find new ways to make stories. I always kinda was skeptical but when I see these images put out by phone it puts my M4/3 to utter shame. Bear in mind my camera is from 2010 and my phone is from 2015 so there have been generational improvements on processing and colour reproduction.

Grateful for: small technologies, recipes online, local food markets, my legs to get me places and my brain to learn new things.

 

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Day 82,

I remembered that the miracle morning said to take a day off maybe in the weekend so I tried to convince myself not to run and do all my morning routines.

I wanted to check up on my family so I called my dad and had a nice 45 minute long conversation with him. Again we had this moment where after saying goodbye we didn't want to hang up the phone because we enjoyed each other's company so much. Me and my father probably didn't have a real emotional relationship where we could talk to each other as equals for probably like 10 years of distance in my teens. So it is a very long yearning fulfillment that occurs when we laugh together and so I am very grateful for this.

Next, I talked to my oldest brother who I have set up an accountability partner with. He wasnt able to fulfill his commitments but I exempted him from them because he had the flu all week. He still managed to go to the gym whilst under the illness and said "I can't believe I was able to go to the gym with my energy levels" he continued to say "I did it because I didn't want to pay the $50" lol :D. I had the same thoughts too throughout the week in that I didn't want to lose money so I just focused on doing my tasks instead.

I did end up going for a run, I just can't see my days not having exercise in it anymore :) it's so intrinsic to releasing stress, feeling the flow and being productive.

I went out and attended a free improv class tonight and later my Kizomba dance class. IMG_20180603_212115_282-979x979.thumb.jpg.e72c593e6f4ff712c21df50a1e027eed.jpg

We performed several exercises to release our spontaneity, pressure our cognition system and stretch our imaginations in a supportive and positive environment. I had a lot of fun doing this as most of us did and will look more into this if I can fit it in my budget and schedule. I think creativity of the new is essential to life to experience and be fun in whichever realm we may be in. I'm more of a stiff guy so I think this could REALLY help me.

Spanish WotD: Dispuesto - willing

Me familia es siempre dispuesto a ayudar me.

My family is always willing to help me

Grateful for: My family, Kizomba, thermal shirts to keep me warm, people's smiles and the progress I've made so far.

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