Bugg's Journal

[Bugg]

16 hours ago, JSmith said:

Letting yourself off the hook with your passion? There's nothing you can do, even a little bit?

I wouldn't recommend looking for sources of "drive". It's not always going to be there. But as you work, your passion will grow.

Yes, for now at least I am. I need to volunteer as my next step, and my work rota makes that pretty impossible, no-one will accept me as someone who can only commit to one day every 3 weeks, and that wouldn’t serve me very well anyway. I work full time and have to frequently cover overtime on top of this, I don’t have the time to commit to volunteering. If I wasn’t planning to move soon I’d look for a new job to solve that problem, but at this late stage there would be no point. I am doing all I can at home to further my knowledge and keep my passion alive through research and documentaries, I have emailed some old contacts in the area of local sustainability to see if there are any opportinitues I could be a part of, for now that is all I can do. 

You’re right, I think drive was the wrong word, what I meant was that I am not making any significant progress in moving towards the goals I am passionate about.

[Bugg]

Day 31

Got in from work this morning, have to go back this afternoon, have spent my free time eating healthily and preparing my meals to take to work. I also did a work out which I am proud of. Constantly feeling as though i am not good enough is getting me down, I’m trying to deal with it as best I can. I did gratitude, but I’m a bit rushed currently so I’ll skip posting it here.

[Bugg]

Day 31 update

I’m feeling unhappy with myself for sharing so much in my journal, I feel that journaling here has caused me to neglect journaling in my own private paper journal. I appreciate the support here, but also sometimes I think it is better for me step back and just analyse my thoughts without input from others. I have deleted some previous content. Moving forwards I will continue to journal, but I will likely keep a little more to myself. I’d rather not justify this decision to anyone else, I feel it is the right thing to do for me, and that is enough. Sorry. 

[Guest]

Yea.. I've shared some stuff in mine that sometimes did feel like too much, but I figure why not? It felt good to get it out there. But yea, its different for everyone. I don't think you have to apologize though its your journal :P

congratulations on 30 days! :)

Edited April 5, 2018 by Guest

[Bugg]

Day 32

Today has been ok, work was fine, mentally I feel well but physically I am tired, and I think I am coming down with a slight cough/cold. I hope it will pass soon. Still having cravings to game, still resisting them. I just keep reminding myself of my reasons to have given up in the first place. I have decided I am going to get rid of my Tv too.. I just have no need for it anymore. I’m really enjoying my daily meditation practice, even if it is a little hard to just sit sometimes, I get so restless. I also really enjoy keeping a daily gratitude list, the birds feature on it regularly, and my family of course. My mum just bought herself a guitar, we are both looking forward to me teaching her a few things when I have moved closer, and then for us to be able to jam together. German practice is going well, although it is hard work and slow going.

I worry about a close friendship of mine, it was based a lot on playing games cooperatively together, that person still wants me to be able to play games with them after my detox, but I feel this is not good for me, I worry about the future of our friendship, but what will be will be. 

I still feel as though one day I will return to my pokémon games, I envision a future where I do not own a console but I play the odd game on my DS. Only time will tell whether or not this will indeed be the case. I don’t know why I cannot let go of this at the present time.

[Bugg]

Day 33 Quick morning update.

I have a bad habit of using tech first thing on a morning when I’m not feeling my best mentally, I should work on that. But alas, I’m posting because I had a nightmare about relapsing, I dreamt I’d forgotten I was doing a detox and then about an hour into Horizon ZD I remembered, I was of course really disappointed in myself. Woke up feeling a sense of relief, but then I remembered the actual relapse going on in my life at the moment, unrelated to games, and I figure that’s probably where the nightmare came from. Gonna do some chores today, meet my goals, and offer myself some compassion. 

[Cam Adair]

12 minutes ago, Bugg said:

offer myself some compassion. 

Yes yes yes!!!

[Bugg]

Day 33

Today has been a bit tough, struggling to deal with things, having issues with self control and motivation, poor coping strategies for negative emotions. I was at least able to recognise a specific trigger today, so hopefully that knowledge will aid me going forwards. I’m feeling low, frustrated, disappointed in myself. It’s as though trying to be compassionate to myself just ends up with me making excuses not to do the things I know I should do, otherwise I allow myself to do things I know I shouldn’t. It’s 9pm and I still haven’t meditated for the day, that’s supposed to be a morning goal. I practiced my German but didn’t play guitar. I’ve spent a ridiculous chunk of my day online, watching YouTube or Netflix and being generally unproductive. I often use YouTube to try and inspire myself out of a slump, I watch a lot of self-improvement type stuff, but ultimately sitting and watching a video isn’t gonna change my life, I need to be an active participant in that process, not a spectator :s I’ve written out a specific plan of action for tomorrow so I can hopefully get back on track. I think this is gonna take a lot of forcing myself to do things; listening to my own voice of reason is proving easier said than done. I’m trying to remain positive. I finished Respawn today, even that took longer than it probably should have. I’ve given up games, but frequently I find myself filling that void with other mindless entertainment. There’s plenty of stuff I can be spending my time on that is more worthwhile, but I still lack the motivation to just get started. I did such a short workout today it was barely worth it. I’ve low energy, I feel listless, I’m just drifting. I don’t want to drift. I’m finding this difficult, but then I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Tomorrow is another day, I just hope I can get a decent nights sleep. I think I might not set an alarm tomorrow, I wonder if letting my body tell me how much sleep it needs might help. Not sure whether that’s gonna be helpful or not, but I guess it’s worth a shot. Another day off work tomorrow, let’s make it count. 

[Hmmge]

3 hours ago, Bugg said:

I often use YouTube to try and inspire myself out of a slump, I watch a lot of self-improvement type stuff, but ultimately sitting and watching a video isn’t gonna change my life, I need to be an active participant in that process, not a spectator

This is often so understated. Very well said. I struggle with it myself. We all have to become more of a producer than a consumer. Especially when we already know everything we need to know. Watching this kind of content can give a false sense of achievement, which makes us feel good and that's why we keep watching. It's like a subsconscious excuse to not take action. Very dangerous. 

[AssellusPrimus]

@Bugg

Hey Bugg, been following your journal for some time now! Just wanna say I think your doing amazing, regardless of how your feeling, down or up, your are accomplishing what you set out too accomplish! I have been back and forth relasping the last few days, feeling up and down, but you have managed to stick to your resolve which is an incredible feat! I think motivation will come with time, as you explore new things and find purpose, I have a tattoo that says "He who sweats more in training, bleeds less in war", I have always thought of growth as growing pains. Part of addiction is a recognizing the void that it once filled up, the void was always there but now that your growing your next step is healing through it, and you can do it! Look how far you've come! Great job! Any advice you could share with me about how you manage to keep yourself away from the games would be appreciated, I would love to make it to the 30 day mark! 

[Bugg]

@AssellusPrimus It makes me happy to know my journal is providing a source of inspiration for others. Sorry to hear about your relapse, but I congratulate you on your honesty, and you’re still here - that’s great. Just keep trying, you’ll get there! Have you identified what went wrong this time so that you can recognise that earlier next time?

That’s an amazing quote, I feel like displaying it somewhere in my room for a while! Thanks for sharing, and thanks for the encouragement, it really means a lot.

Hmm advice.. I think I’ve just known I wanted this for so long, that finally doing it is such a breath of fresh air, with each day I succeed I am inspired to carry on. That being said, if I hadn’t sold my PS4 then I’m not sure I’d have managed to go this long. But after making such a big decision to sell that, a big part of me let go of gaming in the process, without having that link to the past I’m finding it easier. I was never a big PC gamer anyways apart from sims, and now I am able to clearly see the irony in wasting my life away living a literal virtual one, I just can’t bring myself to waste time on that any longer. I get big cravings to play sims still, but I just find something else to do until it goes away, cravings can be intense but they always go away eventually, you just need to learn how to cope with them in the moment. Unfortunately for me a lot of this time is spent on YouTube or Netflix, which is another bad habit I’m working on. The only big craving I often struggle with is for my DS and Pokémon as it’s still really accessible to me and I can’t seem to let go just yet. When I get those cravings I reminds myself my DS will still be there if I want it when this is all over - I’m still not sure yet if I will actually play my DS again though. I guess it depends if it becomes a problem behaviour, and only future experimentation can show me that. I guess my biggest issue through this detox has been to replace gaming with other unhealthy sources of that dopamine hit, I’m not out of the woods yet so to speak. 

Good luck on your journey!!!

[info-gatherer]

It’s always hard to let go of your past. I can relate to your gameboy nostalgia. But when I really look into it, I find that what I miss are the sweet childhood memories, playing with friends all together everyone with his own gameboy while talking to each other... Last summer I played Pokemon again after years. I closed myself into my room while all my friends were at the seaside, and finished Pokemon Black in two days. Was I happy? No, I felt like shit. In the end I must acknowledge that what I miss are not the games themselves, but the needs they easily satisfied: easy social interaction, avoiding boredom, measurable progress, meaning, and so on... Pokemons are old friends, like the toy puppy we slept with when we were child. But now we have grown up and we can let them go, even if it is painful. They would understand. They were our friends after all, weren’t they? I don’t know if this applies to you, but I thought I’d share :)

[Alexis]

On 07/03/2018 at 8:00 PM, Bugg said:

Day Two? Day two. It feels longer. :s

Woke up at work (I work 24 hour shifts) so came home around 4pm, first thing I did was some jump rope in the back garden, which I'm super proud of as I normally come home tired and veg out, but I decided; not this time! So jump rope: I only did 3 minutes, haha, and my max was 71 jumps without tripping, but as pathetic as that may be I'm happy I motivated myself to do it, and now I have goals to beat. :) 

Replied to an important letter (I may or may not elaborate at a later date but for now we'll go with, I have a pen pal, and writing can be emotional). Tonight was no exception. This was an emotional letter. I've finished writing it and now I feel drained. I cooked myself a healthy meal as I know I've been really letting myself down recently with the healthy stuff, and now I'm logged on and typing and trying to deal with the crappy things I'm feeling. Normally I'd hop right on playstation or zone out to netflix or youtube in this situation, but I'm trying not to. Made myself a hot chocolate (sugar free) in an effort to somewhat comfort myself. 

Sugar, that's another thing. Always hit the sugar to feel better. Gonna be really mindful of that during this detox. Pointless replacing one dopamine hit with another right? 

is it actually possible to get rid of an addiction without replacing it with another addiction?

Edited April 8, 2018 by Alexis

[Bugg]

@info-gatherer I guess that kinda applies, but then I still watch the anime, lol. I still play the games socially too (like in person, not  online). Maybe I just have an innate fear of growing up. I’m good at being independent and acting like an adult when I need to, but sometimes isn’t it just nice to let our hair down and embrace our inner child? You said when you played Black you weren’t happy, I think this is where we differ, when I play my favourite pokemon games (not the latest one, it sucks imo) they make me incredibly happy. Haha. But you’re right, they’re still just games at the end of the day, but then I’m not against games in general, I’m just against them being a problem in my life. I dunno, am I just making excuses to give myself permission to play? Hmm.. 

Update: when I say ‘I still play the games socially’ I of course meant before my detox. 

Edited April 8, 2018 by Bugg

[Bugg]

11 minutes ago, Alexis said:

is it actually possible to get rid of an addiction without remaplacing with another addiction?

I think it is, but for those of us with an addictive personality we have to work extra hard. Thing is, when we replace addictions that way what we are really doing is masking a deeper problem. We need to work out what that problem is and then address it, and move through it. I think only then are we able to truly overcome our additions. If you want to learn more about that, research coping strategies, or maladaptive coping strategies, that will give you some info on why some people become addicted in the first place. 

Tho sometimes addictions do just happen because something is just so good, and then it can be easier to break without diving into another addition, if that makes sense. 

Edited April 8, 2018 by Bugg

[Alexis]

Just now, Bugg said:

I think it is, but for those of us with an addictive personality we have to work extra hard. Thing is, when we replace addictions that was what we are really doing is masking a deeper problem. We need to work out what that problem is and then address it, move through it, I think only then are we able to truly overcome our additions. If you want to learn more about that research coping strategies, or maladaptive coping strategies, that will give you some info on why people become addicted in the first place. 

Interessting. Do you think a lot of people have that "addictive personality"?

I've seen a lot of people talk about "healthy addictions", although I do not believe in them. One example of what some people call "healthy addictions" is working out instead of playing videos games. My reasoning behind this follows the saying "the dose is the poison". No matter what you are doing, too much will cause trouble.

The part about the deeper problem is intriguing. Seems like a very scary and hard thing to deal with, and will probably take a while to solve. You seem to have your strategy down though, I'm happy for you, you're taking it seriously, and I feel it's a very important thing a lot of people don't do.

I know it's none of my business, but how old are you? You don't have to answer, I'm just an overall curious person.

[Bugg]

@Alexis Yeh I’m not sure any addiction can be truly considered healthy to be honest, to be addicted is to have lost control over your own life, surely that can’t be good.. there are people who are addicted to exercise, it rules their life and they often suffer depression if for some reason they don’t get their ‘fix’ ... I’m not actually sure how many people have addictive personalities. I know I do, tho I didn’t realise it for a long while. After talking to my parents about this we realised that they both do as well, perhaps it’s genetic or a product of environment (or both), but people with a lot of hardship in their lives I think are more likely to become addicted to things as a method of escape. I’m not a psychologist tho that’s just my thoughts on it all. 

I’m 27, I don’t mind sharing that :) one of my biggest sources of discontent in my own life is feeling as though I haven’t already achieved enough by now, and my biggest fear is to not achieve my dreams. Those things certainly cause me to ‘escape’ just to get away from those bad feelings. 

[Bugg]

Day 34

A fairly good day, still having a bunch of negative thoughts, but I've been working through them rather than just ignoring or blocking them out. I made a real effort to eat well today and I feel much better for it, and thanks to that I was able to add two more recipes to my blog too, hooray! I managed to go jogging this morning but now I've injured my knee and it hurts pretty bad, I hope it'll be ok tomorrow. Met some of my other daily goals, blogging took so long I completely forgot to practice guitar, but i guess I can't do everything all in one day. Not having an alarm this morning was a good decision, I awoke naturally only 1 hour later than usual and I've had much more energy today. I might do the same tomorrow, but the next day I have work earlier so it will be back to the alarm from then. My usual sleep cycle is to get 8 hours from 10.30pm - 6.30am, that generally works pretty well for me. Also on the plus side, the weird bug I was feeling yesterday has not been present today. Woop :D

Edited April 8, 2018 by Bugg

[Cam Adair]

Do you deliver? :P

[Bugg]

Day 35

Posting earlier as I have work today until tomorrow afternoon, I have met all of my goals for the day besides productive reading. I wanted to give myself the opportunity to relax a little before work this evening, since I shall be sleeping directly after my shift. Today I am feeling neither good nor bad, not apathetic, just neutral really. I did a work out this morning despite my injuries, it was interesting to find excersises that avoided too much strain on my knee or my wrist, but I just about managed. 

[Guest]

I can definitely relate lol. I used to run a lot and when i tried to go back into it somehow I injured my shins so bad they started hurting when walking so I had to take like 5 months off. half a year D: x_x btw, how did you add a signature to your posts?

[Bugg]

18 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

I can definitely relate lol. I used to run a lot and when i tried to go back into it somehow I injured my shins so bad they started hurting when walking so I had to take like 5 months off. half a year D: x_x btw, how did you add a signature to your posts?

That type of shin pain sounds like what’s called a ‘shinsplint’, thankfully I’ve only ever had that quite mild, it tends to happen if you run for a long period when your legs aren’t used to it. 

I added the signature in my account settings. Where your pic is in the top right corner there is a drop down menu and it’s in there :)

[Bugg]

Day 36

Just got in from work, being away from home 24 hours at a time sucks, I’ll be sure to try and avoid this type of working pattern in the future. I’m really tired today, not sleepy tired, but my brain and body feel drained. I’ve eaten really well the last few days, slept well, drank plenty of fluids, got some exercise, and still I feel like crap. I’m wondering if my body is trying to fight off some kind of bug after all, or worse, I’m concerned my low energy might be the result of a nutrient deficiency from being vegan, but then I work really hard to make sure I get all the vitamins my body needs. I dunno. I’ll reassess when I get back from the week away with my family that I have coming up soon, maybe if it persists I’ll ask my GP to do some blood tests or something. 

I’ve been having major intense cravings to play games, I keep reminding myself why I quit. My brain keeps wandering into the realms of “this is so silly, why have you given up on something you loved so much” “everyone else enjoys them just fine, why can’t you” “you’ll regret this in a year” etc. I have to keep forcing myself to remember all the negative emotions I would feel after sitting glued to a game for so long, reminding myself of that distinct lack of control over my own life that games brought about. I feel like I had more commitment with games than I have had with any other area of my life, I need to find a way to generate that same level of commitment with other stuff that’s more worthwhile. 

Edited April 10, 2018 by Bugg

[AssellusPrimus]

On 4/8/2018 at 3:51 AM, Bugg said:

@AssellusPrimus It makes me happy to know my journal is providing a source of inspiration for others. Sorry to hear about your relapse, but I congratulate you on your honesty, and you’re still here - that’s great. Just keep trying, you’ll get there! Have you identified what went wrong this time so that you can recognise that earlier next time?

 

Hey Bugg, thanks for sharing your experiences I think you hit the nail on the head by acknowledging you are ready to move past this stage of your life and removing the source of the addiction. I did manage to recognize what went wrong, I hadn't fully committed to moving on because I still held on to the things that caused the addiction, the consoles it was so accessible causing me to relapse regularly. After removing this, I found it much easier to avoid gaming and I am successfully on Day 2, with no sign of looking back. I think this really highlights the importance of planning and preparation which I found more helpful then exercising will power in the moment!!!! Thanks for your insights!

[Bugg]

Day 37

I had, an awful night. I won’t go into too much detail, but I’m very unhappy with myself right now, and just unhappy in general. Got an emotional day ahead too, but again, don’t wanna go into detail.

On the plus side, I reacted unexpectedly to the new Spyro remaster trailer (I watched the trailer 3 times just to be sure my reaction wasn’t a fluke, lol). Previously I’d looked forward to this like nothing else, Spyro was a massive part of my childhood, and last year I replayed all the games on PS1 with someone who is really special to me. When I first saw the trailer on my feed I tried to scroll past, but I just couldn’t, I needed to see. But then I watched it, and all I thought was how I had no interest in playing it. It’s cool that this remaster can bring Spyro to a whole new generation of kids, and I appreciate that is was such an influence on my own childhood, but now I’m ready to move past it. I simply have no need to play those games. The memories are enough.