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Cindpline

90 day detox journal

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23th day. I'm starting this journal just now because I didin't think that I would need it to complete the detox.

The past days I have felt no pulling towards games. I don´t think of it that often.

 

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33th day,

Yay! I've hit 30 days. Haven't writed this alot lately. I'll write something here when I have something to say. Like a weekly jounal.

 This day I got depression. I was thinking: "Why my life has to be like this?"  "I don't have the strength to do this." "Why isn't there an easier way?"

But I've learned, that relapsing doesn't help anything. I will always come to this same situation over and over again. 

I was thinking to buy respawn but, I think that I can still manage without it. But If someone is reading this, and I come to a situation where I need respawn, and if i'm 13 years old, should I buy respawn? Or is it like for older people? Will 13 years old be able to understand it?

 

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hey,

think about it that way: you're strong enough to go 30 days - that's already something you can be proud and it proves that you have the strength.

I think that respawn helps and it's worth the money (but don't get me wrong, it's still up to you to make the changes you want - it just gives a few guidelines to help you along the way)

Good luck

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Congrats on day 33! :) You've gotten pretty far now. An entire month feels so far away for me right now but seeing that you can do it makes me feel like maybe I can do it too. Keep it up, you're doing great. :D

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44th day,

Changes have happened. I laugh a lot more, and I can feel, that I don't get angry for eating candy sometimes or watching youtube isn't bad either. I can control it more. And i can feel that the new me is coming.

8 weeks anymore it's not that long time, because a week goes pretty fast.

Sometimes I get those bad memories about games, but they go away. 

Yeah, that's about it. Day at a time.

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53th day

I know that I'm over half now. Time is going slower. I want to be more happy, but it's annoying because I cant. I think It's because the dopamine levels are still that high.

For example, when I'm in a conversation and there's me and some one else, I want to, but I can't anything interesting to say. If I try, I say like wow that's a cool car, even if I dont like it. Just to say something. I think the reason for this is that my dopamine levels are too high, so nothing is interesting, so I have nothing intresting to say, expect to speak about video game addiction or my 90 day detox. ?

But I hope that will fix at least when I hit 90 days. ?

 

 

Edited by Cindpline
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58th day

I'm more calm now. Now, when talking, I have things to say, and It's more easier to talk and get new things to say. Like speaking is more smooth now.

 

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63th day

I'm home and I have a cold. Very bored. The worst is when you have to do homework when sick. I think I'm gonna start the Game Quitters challenge soon.

Why can I just get happy already. I'm not going to relapse, but I feel very depressive now. 

I'm tired of this shit life. Everything is so complicated, and I forget things more and more because I don't care. 

What do you think guys? Did the Game Quitters Challenge help you?

I think I need support. I would want to have real life friends with this problem. Or an accountability partner around my age. (13 years)

 

I didn't play videogames because I had friends there because I had real friends. Here's a list why I played games:

  •  They were a good way to spend time
  • Games were very important to me - I spent much time with them as a young child.
  • I didn't know other fun ways to spend time.

 

But then at 5th grade. I started to acknowledge that my friends started to change. They like felt like older than me. I felt I was different. My social skills weren't grown that much. And then I thought It was because videogames. Why would it be because video games? I wasn't even addicted to them? Then I thought It was because puberty or my stuttering. But no, It was videogames because I remember when I have stopped playing, I felt guilt and shame. And I thought why did I play again? So the problem had to be games, because why would I feel guilt then?

 

 

Edited by Cindpline

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On 3/19/2018 at 7:10 PM, Okstari said:

53th day

I know that I'm over half now. Time is going slower. I want to be more happy, but it's annoying because I cant. I think It's because the dopamine levels are still that high.

For example, when I'm in a conversation and there's me and some one else, I want to, but I can't anything interesting to say. If I try, I say like wow that's a cool car, even if I dont like it. Just to say something. I think the reason for this is that my dopamine levels are too high, so nothing is interesting, so I have nothing intresting to say, expect to speak about video game addiction or my 90 day detox. :D 

But I hope that will fix at least when I hit 90 days. :D

I think what you experience is quite normal. You are very absorbed by the fact that you are going through an intense time. You get to know yourself better and your focus lies on yourself. I don't think that this is a problem. It will fix itself.

But one thing you could try is to stop pleasing others. You do not have to say something you do not believe just because you feel it is necessary to say something. What you could do however, is to "retreat into honesty". If you feel awkward because you don't know what to say, say that you feel awkward because you do not know what to say. Than, state why. Like, state that you are going through a lot of change right now. If people are interested in what kind of change, tell them about your detox. After all, that is honest and true and that is what you can actually talk about a lot.

Often, we think we have to say something, otherwise the whole conversation will be awkward and people will think we are strange. But the truth is, that by just saying something, we generate more awkwardness, because we rely on small talk, which cannot connect two people. A connection can appear if one human talks to another human. And often, if we overcome our fear of what the other person might or might not think, we get surprised, because the other person suddenly gains interest in the conversation. A genuine conversation can arise, if people talk genuinely.

So, that is just a hint. Aside from that, congrats! It seems you are doing real fine and I hope that you gain a lot from this new experience.

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23 hours ago, Okstari said:

63th day

I'm home and I have a cold. Very bored. The worst is when you have to do homework when sick. I think I'm gonna start the Game Quitters challenge soon.

Why can I just get happy already. I'm not going to relapse, but I feel very depressive now. 

I'm tired of this shit life. Everything is so complicated, and I forget things more and more because I don't care. 

What do you think guys? Did the Game Quitters Challenge help you?

I think I need support. I would want to have real life friends with this problem. Or an accountability partner around my age. (13 years)

 

I didn't play videogames because I had friends there because I had real friends. Here's a list why I played games:

  •  They were a good way to spend time
  • Games were very important to me - I spent much time with them as a young child.
  • I didn't know other fun ways to spend time.

 

But then at 5th grade. I started to acknowledge that my friends started to change. They like felt like older than me. I felt I was different. My social skills weren't grown that much. And then I thought It was because videogames. Why would it be because video games? I wasn't even addicted to them? Then I thought It was because puberty or my stuttering. But no, It was videogames because I remember when I have stopped playing, I felt guilt and shame. And I thought why did I play again? So the problem had to be games, because why would I feel guilt then?

 

 

63 days though!! That's amazing! 

I'd like to offer a little support and encouragement, if that's ok with you? :) 
 

Firstly, I think you're doing amazingly well, and at 13 years old too, I think you are brave, and also very emotionally intelligent in being able to recognize that you had a gaming problem, and in being able to speak about your feelings in the way that you do. I don't mean that in a patronizing way - many older people still struggle to articulate themselves in the way you do. It's really awesome, so keep it up! 

I often wonder why I can't be happy too, and feeling depressed really does suck. If you find that you get totally stuck being really depressed a lot then I'd recommend speaking to someone about it, maybe a parent or a teacher at school. Otherwise, it's important to remember that happiness cannot exist without sadness, and that it is impossible to be happy all of the time. Happiness is not a state of being, it is a feeling we enjoy for a time, and then we let it go, until it comes back again. It's kinda like spending time with your favourite person or a pet; we can't be around them all of the time, but we can enjoy their company when they are here, and we can look forward to seeing them again when they are not.

You're right, life can be a bit shit sometimes, but I think when we experience the bad stuff, it can help us to really appreciate the good when it happens. I've struggled with a lot of really crappy stuff in the past, but looking back I wouldn't change any of it - even though at the time it was really hard to deal with - because those experiences helped me to grow as a person, and they helped me to develop empathy and compassion towards others, which are two qualities I think are very important in this world. 

I haven't tried the game quitters challenge, but I am working through respawn and I've found it very helpful. I don't think you'd have trouble understanding it if you did decide to give it a go. 

Also, I forget things a ton!! I have adhd and this can make it much harder for my brain to retain information. It used to really get me down, and even now I still feel a little sad that I'm not 'normal' like everyone else, but I've become really good at finding new ways to remember things. One way is to carry a notebook and whenever I have a thought that is important I write it down straight away so I don't forget. I'm not implying that you have adhd, but you might be able to find some ways of your own to help you remember things, if you need to. 
Sometimes we forget things when our minds get too cluttered too; if you imagine your mind is a bowl and a grain of rice is a thought - as we add rice to the bowl it fills up, too much rice and it overflows. When we are stressed, worried, or just have too much in our minds, sometimes the thoughts spill over or get lost and we forget things, this is another way that writing things down can help, as it gets them off your mind to help make room for other stuff. That's one of the reasons a journal can be so good. 

I also didn't play video games for the social aspects. I have friends outside of games but also I'm a bit of an introvert, I just don't like to spend a lot of time around people, but I do really enjoy my own company. I played games for fun, and like you they were very important to me. I'm having to work hard to make myself do other things that I know I enjoy but that I always lack the motivation to do - such as playing guitar or learning German. It's sometimes hard to become passionate about something new, but if we keep doing it and it keeps making us happy, eventually it will make you just as happy as playing games did. That's how I like to think of it anyway. And like you say - you just need to give yourself time to adjust to more regular levels of dopamine. 

You're doing amazingly well so far though! I hope you can find something helpful in my words anyways. Good Luck with the rest of your detox!! 

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63th day

Whoops, I miscalculated. This day is actaully my 63th day, because I started 25th of January.

@Bugg @Dannigan Thank you for replying. It is good to hear that many people have struggled or struggle with these same problems. They encourage me to keep going.

I don't know what to say more to your replies but I appreciate it. ?

 

 

 

 

Edited by Cindpline
Pressed Submit accidentally
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It’s actually really great that you’re starting out so young. My dive into video games basically kicked off when I was around 13, so props to you for being aware and taking action early. Find something you’re interested in and go for it! Your future self will thank you :D

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67th day 

I feel anxious right now. I had that feeling when I asked my mom to buy a game. But then when I had played it I had that shame and guilt feeling because I thought it was a waste. I even said that I promise I won't regret it this time and I did. And this happened a couple of times. 

This feeling came to me because I regretted a bit of buying Respawn and the Challenge. This is the exact feeling I had when I wrote this:

On 16.2.2018 at 8:04 PM, Okstari said:

Now i got sudden anxiety when i went to my computer to write this. Maybe i'll just not use the journal. We'll see. 

But after that it became easier. To come to this website and talk about games and else.

 

It's this feeling you are falling to the old you. I DON'T WANT IT.

I feel like I don't want to do ANY gaming related, watch youtube, browsing internet.

I'm gonna go outside shortly. (if that's correct english?)

But I think this feeling is also good because It shows that I'm experiencing feelings (wow).

I didn't play, but I feel like I relapsed.

 

 

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Are you talking to your mom about what you are doing here? If not, you should. Tell her what kind of process you are going through. If she knows what you are doing, she can understand. If she understands, she wont be mad or disappointed but most likely support you on your journey.

Also, you can tell her that next time you want her to buy a game for you, she shall ask you if and why you want the game. Not to bother or bug you, but to start a conversation in which you get a closer look at what is going on inside of you.

As an example: I tell my wife that every time I buy candy, she shall remind me of what I said. That I don't want to eat that stuff at all. When I am about to buy that stuff, she reminds me and I usually start to get angry at first. I get angry at her because she did what I asked for. Confronting me with my own feelings. And than, when the 4 seconds of anger are gone, I can tell her why I want the stuff. And while I tell her, of course, I hear it, too. I hear my own voice and my own words. "I want to eat candy because I feel so empty right now and I don't know why and I know that some pieces of green and orange sugar would raise my mood". And while I talk with her about it, I instantly feel better and don't even need the stuff anymore.

So, talk to your mom. It is very helpful if you have a supportive environment. I am sure she will listen and learn. And as a side effect, your connection to your mom and vice versa will grow even stronger.

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@Regular Robert Yeah I have talked about this to my mom and he is supportive about it. She is good at supporting people but talking about  video game addiction her tips don't help me that much - that is why I'm on this forum. 

I have told her to remind me too like this:

1 hour ago, Regular Robert said:

As an example: I tell my wife that every time I buy candy, she shall remind me of what I said. That I don't want to eat that stuff at all. When I am about to buy that stuff, she reminds me and I usually start to get angry at first. I get angry at her because she did what I asked for. Confronting me with my own feelings. And than, when the 4 seconds of anger are gone, I can tell her why I want the stuff. And while I tell her, of course, I hear it, too. I hear my own voice and my own words. "I want to eat candy because I feel so empty right now and I don't know why and I know that some pieces of green and orange sugar would raise my mood". And while I talk with her about it, I instantly feel better and don't even need the stuff anymore.

 

 

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On 2.4.2018 at 2:26 PM, Okstari said:

67th day 

I feel anxious right now. I had that feeling when I asked my mom to buy a game. But then when I had played it I had that shame and guilt feeling because I thought it was a waste. I even said that I promise I won't regret it this time and I did. And this happened a couple of times. 

This feeling came to me because I regretted a bit of buying Respawn and the Challenge. This is the exact feeling I had when I wrote this:

But after that it became easier. To come to this website and talk about games and else.

It's this feeling you are falling to the old you. I DON'T WANT IT.

I feel like I don't want to do ANY gaming related, watch youtube, browsing internet.

I'm gonna go outside shortly. (if that's correct english?)

But I think this feeling is also good because It shows that I'm experiencing feelings (wow).

I didn't play, but I feel like I relapsed.

 

Hi Cindpline!

No, you did not relapse.  :)  Your anxiety is now attached to all forms of digital entertainment eg.  gaming, you tube, browsing internet.  That can be a good thing.  The bad thing about it is that it may not allow you to exercise self-control because now you are abstaining from all things due to anxiety.  You don't want to slip up and go back to the old you = anxiety. 

Fact is, you have not slipped back to the old you. You are on Day 67!  23 days away from completing the detox! 

IF abstaining from all forms of technology entertainment is going to help you through the detox, go ahead and do that.  At the end of the 90 day detox, if you decide to try 'all or nothing' route, meaning that you'll continue to avoid ALL forms of digital entertainment, that is your right and decision to make.  Realistically, though, I think you'd benefit from tailoring your internet browsing towards something more manageable. And that might mean allocating a time for internet browsing throughout the day.  Eg.  1 hour to browse internet from 5:00 pm to 6:00 pm.  And then inserting a scheduled task right after that.  Eg.  6:00 pm is supper time so I can't browse, or time to walk the dog, or hockey practice. 

Lastly, the potential problem with going 'all or nothing' route, is there might be a relapse and then you binge on everything:  video gaming, youtube, etc. 

It's great that you are going outside!!  Get away from the computer, walk, clear your mind, natural endorphins after walking will make you relaxed and calm. 

Yes,that is proper English "I'm gonna go outside shortly".

 

 

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