I finally did it!

[Sosaythedice]

So I'm a returning user. I've tried quitting game Many times. I usually try and go it alone though. I think that may have been a mistake. I think I need more structure and support so I'm going to try this again, and hopefully engage in it more.

But hey I forgot to introduce myself! I'm Steve, I'm 25. Actually funny story (not the haha kinda funny). Cam just wanted to give you a shout out because a while back I tried to do your online class thing and chickened out and you were so understanding. I guess I shouldn't surprised, only another addict could be that understanding. I thought I was ready, at the time, I've learned a lot since then, I'm still not ready for something like that, but at least now, I've gained a lot more awareness, and I think that's something to be proud of.

So I wantd to share some things about myself, and a little success story too. It's going to be long so I don't know who's going to read it but I really felt like I need to write it so here it goes. I was going to post this on the reddit /r/stopgaming. But I just felt like reddit was too public. This felt more personal. Anyway here's what I wrote:

Your probably thinking I'm going to say I succeeded in quitting but no, it's better than that alone, I wanted to share. Just a heads up first though, I don't post hear often, and I'm about to get a bit more personal than I usually do so please be mindful of that with any comments you make. I'm kinda going outside my comfort zone a little with this one.

Anyway I've struggled with games for a long time. I mean big time. It started out like a pretty typical gaming addiction. I played a lot, it was all I thought about, my grades suffered, it effected my life in  negative ways, but I still functioned in life. That is to say I still went to school, had friends, but all in all, I lived life.

That is until senior year of high school when I started to develope signs of severe depression and anxiety. I was first dignosed with depression then later BPD (borderline personality disorder). For those who don't know, that's like severe mood instability. Everything you say and do is based on you extreme feelings so it effects the way you intact with people big time. I've been pretty lucky to be surrounded by loving, understanding people, however a lot of people with BPD are not treated so kindly due to the nature of the illness, but I digress.

Fast foward a bunch of years (This is skipping a bunch of mental health related drama. I'm sure if you have a diagnosis or know someone, you can imagine the  kinds of things I've been through since then, and why I don't want to talk about it.) I'm now doing better with many of the BPD symptoms, however I still am very depressed and anxious. Plus the games are still a huge problem. In fact I would argue that the games are my biggest problem because they keep me from working on my mental health and they are escape from the rest of it. I'm currently on disability because of all this and I live alone. The only people I really talk to are my family, (mostly just my parents, and my sisters sometimes) and I isolate a lot.

So now that you have the setting let me tell you about my success!

Not only did I manage to quit games for what feels like the billionth time (fingers crossed this will be the last, as always) I managed to do something different this time. I was sitting there having a really severe urge to play games, as one does when they recently quit. However this time I actually managed to stop and use a skill I learned in therapy. You probably don't understand, but this is like unheard of for me. I have a intense fear of getting better because I have a fear of independence and I fear if I get better I'll lose all my support, so I have a lot of willfulness when it comes to using skills. However this time I guess I just reached my limit. I felt really don't want to this way anymore, I want to get better!

Thank you if you actually took the time to read all this.

Also in case anyone is interested, the skill I used that helped (because I think this would work for anyone) was basically just meditating. I used to meditate a lot so I'm kinda practiced at it so I don't recommend starting this way, but I just focus on my breath. However when I started I needed a more concrete thing to focus on, so I would count my out breaths unitl I reached 10 and then start over. If I got distracted I would just gently bring my attention back to my breath and start back at 1. This is really helpful if your having strong urges, at least it has been for me.

tl;dr Addiction to games + mental health issues = REALLY hard to quit. Finally did what therapist told me to do even though I've been resisting in the past. Also hi, My name is Steve!

[Hitaru]

Welcome back Steve! 

[I have a intense fear of getting better because I have a fear of independence and I fear if I get better I'll lose all my support, so I have a lot of willfulness when it comes to using skills.] 

I get this. Happens to me with my family and home. My expenses are covered and I'm taken care of more than I should given my age. So getting out has the extra difficulty of leaving the comfort zone and venturing into something I know will be harder than the current situation.

But that's what getting better is about, taking up a bigger challenge and raise the bets, right? Sometimes everyone needs to step back and be the one who gets support, but we cannot stagnate in the "victim" role. It's scary to be accountable for yourself (you tell me, it terrifies me!), but it's worth it.

[Sosaythedice]

Hitaru

That's so spot on! It's really nice to hear from someone in a simular situation who get's it. I keep feeling very alone on certain things. I felt like some things about my situtation are different somehow.

For example on /r/stopgaming I hear people say things like I'll stop except (fill in the blank). I'm like, how can you say that! It makes me wonder if they are experiencing the same thing as me, because there's no way, after all I've been through, that I could allow myself to just play some games. It has to be all or nothing of me. True everyone is different, and I try not to compare situations. I learned that in the mental health world as well. However I hear it often enough it makes me wonder if I'm alone in the severity of what I'm going through.

Haha but then I read Cam's story and I remember that I'm not alone! and just look at him now 

To be honest at this point, when I look into the future and picture recovered me, I don't really see myself wanting to play games anyway. I feel like recovered me would view it as waist of time because I would have so many other things going on in my life. That's the dream anyway

Edited February 11, 2018 by Sosaythedice

[Cam Adair]

Welcome back Steve!

[AgentTom]

9 hours ago, Sosaythedice said:

That is until senior year of high school when I started to develope signs of severe depression and anxiety. I was first dignosed with depression then later BPD (borderline personality disorder). For those who don't know, that's like severe mood instability. Everything you say and do is based on you extreme feelings so it effects the way you intact with people big time.

3

I can relate to this.  I was diagnosed wtih severe depression in college, and then later came to find out that I was bipolar (after having an extremely severe manic episode).  I'm medicated now, but want to eventually manage my bipolar without the meds.  Not sure if that is possible, but it's a goal of mine.  Anyway, welcome back!

[dwalk77]

Welcome Steve, thanks for sharing! Yes, I agree about meditation and being aware of your breathing...it's something I only found recently and need to do more often