A place to gather my thoughts

[Hitaru]

Short summary: I didn't fuck up yet but I'm in that path I know well already and setting myself up for a really bad time. 

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I haven't relapsed per se, in the sense that I haven't return to my old gaming habits or games. But I feel I've returned to my old pattern of thoughts and that's the first step. I'll try my best to keep it short.

I'm going through a storm of negative emotions right now. 

I keep having defeatist thoughts, thoughts that it doesn't matter, that life is meaningless, that I'm lost and drowning. This may be unavoidable since the circumstance I'm struggling with, life itself, it's not going to change. It's just gonna happen. My best chance is to dodge and handle the bad thoughts till literally 5 minutes before my death, considering I'm aware of it when it happens.

BUT, here's the thing, my actions have been getting in tune with this defeatist mindset. And even when I was feeling more optimistic, I would still indulge in bad habits. I've been doing it wrong from the start, my thoughts where never in the same line of my actions, and viceversa.

 

What have I been doing right?

- I haven't reinstalled Steam, not even to play free games.

- I haven't reinstalled games that I used to be heavily addicted to, despite several cravings.

- I haven't played 16 hours a day ever again. I can count the days I've played games with my hands, in a year and a half since I quit. 

- I haven't had suicide thoughts, heavy blunders or hiding episodes.

- I haven't stop journaling, even if I had several spaces and short pauses.

What have I been doing wrong?

- Watch streams from time to time (binge episodes)

- Watch a lot of porn, and play (mainly) RPGMaker H-games.*

- Mindless browse social media, including instances of "picture cruising".

- Consistently avoid and procrastinate a normal lifestyle, eating like shit or not doing it at all, skipping showers and night sleep hours. 

- Avoid social life, development of hobbies and a constant workflow.

 

Why?

I haven't been facing my existential anguish. I would push it forward and aside, letting it bottle up until it explodes. Then my sanity faceplants against the floor and everything breaks down. I should compliment myself for being able to get up a thousand times, right? But still, this method is not effective at all. It's wearing me down. 

Until the point when I collapse, I hide in my room binging shit, Cam says "Screw you and your unreliability" and I'm left with nothing again. With no reason to be away from games and escapism. That is what it wants, god fucking damn it. It's not a mere 'resistance' that if I don't take seriously I end up doing things mediocrely. It's an all or nothing fight in which there's no middle ground of being functional but unhappy. I'm not even in that point. 

Of course I have a thousand ideas of what "I should do". But they don't apply, I must face it, because the moment I intend to take a serious step towards any direction,this anxiety steps in in turn, and it doesn't know limits. There's not a top level of anxiety I can reach, it leverages equally with my level of enthusiasm for not being in the mud. So I have realized that I'm not stronger than it, in the sense that I cannot overpower it with sheer willpower. I cannot wrestle it down with my gonads, I need to think.

 

Where lies the power of my bad habits?

- Porn: It's pleasurable, it's addictive, easy to reach and I hold insecurities with women, hence why I browse hetero porn in which women actively take the leading role. Makes the illusion of being attractive to them, probably. No femdom though, which reinforces the theory that I'm watching it for a specific insecurity I have in the real world that should be fixed in the (vanilla) real world.

- H-games: Several factors:

Gamification: I am the holder of the decisions in a crafted but still more open environment than a mere video where I'm just a pasive observer. 

Customized: Broader scope of fetishes. Here femdom and BDSM applies. Warning, lewd: 

Spoiler

The key element are the D and the M. My favorite genre is something in the lines of: a female protagonist involved in a plot line that allows for several levels of moral degradation and increasingly debauched acts at the player's discretion. It gives a sensation of progress and control that I find myself really fond of. Regardless of the actual gender of the protagonist and characters, I can imagine myself in both ends of the action, thanks to the help of not being 3D. If it was videos with real people, I'd feel self-conscious, strangely ashamed. I've tested it. 

- Streams: I think I'm using it to fill in for the lack of sociability. My friends are few and are scattered. And I never played multiplayer with like-minded people, so I never shared the games I enjoyed with anybody. I feel there's a void there. Of course I also watch voice-less streams, and that's plain nostalgia. I think it's again due a lack of other activities and boredom. It's easier to relax watching someone doing all the work than getting into a hobby which would also make me stressed because I'm such a damn perfectionist.

- Escapism: Not sleeping, eating or showering makes me fatigued, which makes for the perfect excuse to rest and forget issues for a while. Then I can simply exhaust myself again by doing things wrong, rinse and repeat. It's easy and effective.

 

What can I do to counter this right now?

- Stop doing harmful shit. That's my specialty, it's easier for me to stop doing things than starting new ones. This means taking super seriously not watching streams and porn, and stop playing lewd games. For that last thing I will need to compensate by real life experience and... uh-oh.

- Going to bed at the proper time: No matter if I don't sleep shit and I have to sleep again during the morning, there's an action of going to sleep at a certain hour and that's it. 

- Get a new hobby. I used to feel this was secondary. Now it happens that I cannot be functional if I'm not acceptably satisfied. I'm a first-world pansy, but if it works that way, it works that way.

 

These three are to be done immediately. Aside from that I have to commit again to the detox, and put myself in 'detox-mode'. I admit I haven't trusted the process, and it's my responsibility. So before taking it for impossible I'll try again properly.

[Remigjus]

Man, I think I'm in the same boat as  you are ( or somewhat simillar). The past 5 months were kinda shit for me. Lots of procrastination, relapsed a bunch of times on NoFap, social media still bugs me. Depressive thoughts pop up from time to time. What's worse, that I've lost the burning desire to accomplish my music dream. I feel kinda empty from the inside. Time runs so fast... Yesterday went by so quick  that it seems like it was just today... Like I'm just pointlessly  existing on this earth. I feel so fucking stuck. Like a month ago I've started to binge watch this speed run channel. After a while, I found myself watching streams. I don't feel any cravings to game again so no worries. I don't even know why I kept watching these streams/gaming videos. So many areas in my life need improvement but I didn't even make any new changes. IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO FUCKING YEARS and I've barely accomplished anything. I'm surely one of a kind. I know that this lack of control will fuck me up in the long run, but I still ain't doing anything lmao.

Anyway, sorry for posting this here Hitaru, your story just felt somewhat relatable to me

 

[Hitaru]

The opposite @Remigjus man, so glad you wrote. Being able to have this conversation is already an achievement. The problem is, I'm getting more involved with other people in projects, things are actually starting to move, and I need to commit and leave the bullshit finally behind. Taking it to the next level, you know? Of course you do, but I'm not doing it, I'm not stuck, I'm actually taking a little steps backwards, and I can't stand that. I'm not sure how to proceed tho, I know the theory but not sure how to apply it in my specific specificness of being not exactly the brightest, most motivated student in class. 

[Remigjus]

21 hours ago, Hitaru said:

The opposite @Remigjus man, so glad you wrote. Being able to have this conversation is already an achievement. The problem is, I'm getting more involved with other people in projects, things are actually starting to move, and I need to commit and leave the bullshit finally behind. Taking it to the next level, you know? Of course you do, but I'm not doing it, I'm not stuck, I'm actually taking a little steps backwards, and I can't stand that. I'm not sure how to proceed tho, I know the theory but not sure how to apply it in my specific specificness of being not exactly the brightest, most motivated student in class. 

Commitment is what I insanely lack. Like what the fuck. How sick in the head I must be  not to take action knowing that this dormant state will cause lots of trouble for me.  This lack of determination is killing me. I used to think that my situation is very unique, no one feels and is in the same situation as I am. Boyy I was wrong. It turns out that the the simple ingredient that I'm missing is just as you've said leaving all the bullshit behind and finally committing to move forward. It's taking the first step or something like that. But for some reason I can't, it's like I don't care or something. I feel dead, like I've lost the desire to push forward. I don't even know. It's a loop that I can't seem to get out of..

[dirkj3]

On 1/29/2018 at 8:48 PM, Remigjus said:

Man, I think I'm in the same boat as  you are ( or somewhat simillar). The past 5 months were kinda shit for me. Lots of procrastination, relapsed a bunch of times on NoFap, social media still bugs me. Depressive thoughts pop up from time to time. What's worse, that I've lost the burning desire to accomplish my music dream. I feel kinda empty from the inside. Time runs so fast... Yesterday went by so quick  that it seems like it was just today... Like I'm just pointlessly  existing on this earth. I feel so fucking stuck. Like a month ago I've started to binge watch this speed run channel. After a while, I found myself watching streams. I don't feel any cravings to game again so no worries. I don't even know why I kept watching these streams/gaming videos. So many areas in my life need improvement but I didn't even make any new changes. IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO FUCKING YEARS and I've barely accomplished anything. I'm surely one of a kind. I know that this lack of control will fuck me up in the long run, but I still ain't doing anything lmao.

Anyway, sorry for posting this here Hitaru, your story just felt somewhat relatable to me

 

Same with me!!

 

[Kad]

I had this issue for awhile...half healed but not living yet as I wanted.  It is part of the process and the growth is/was harder to see then.  It is happening.  I did learn I was not moving much in the beginning because I allowed many things to hold me back. My biggest were fear of failure/anxiety and no belief fundamentally in myself.  I kept waiting for those things to go away and the magic right time.  There is not a right time and they don't go away.  You learn to go on in spite of them and grow through those issues.  I learned to walk with fear - one step and one day at a time.  I set simple tasks...if I fell down, I backed up to a smaller task...rinse and repeat.  I learned that I could overcome, learned tools to help me do it better and what things required strategic plans to get through them and back up plans.  I got better, smarter and eventually not much fear, anxiety etc.  I learned I could do most things I set my mind too if i spend an honest effort, have patience and learn.  Some days fear still shows up nice and strong and some days it doesn't.  When fear shows up, I now greet it like an old friend and ask Going to walk with me today?  Then I shrug, square my shoulders and get out my tool box that I use on those days to take care of me and what I want to do that day.  What do you have to lose if you try that is worse than not starting? Nothing.  One day, maybe its today is the right day to start building that toolbox to build your life.

[Rick Boon]

On 1/30/2018 at 7:46 PM, Remigjus said:

Commitment is what I insanely lack. Like what the fuck. How sick in the head I must be  not to take action knowing that this dormant state will cause lots of trouble for me.  This lack of determination is killing me. I used to think that my situation is very unique, no one feels and is in the same situation as I am. Boyy I was wrong. It turns out that the the simple ingredient that I'm missing is just as you've said leaving all the bullshit behind and finally committing to move forward. It's taking the first step or something like that. But for some reason I can't, it's like I don't care or something. I feel dead, like I've lost the desire to push forward. I don't even know. It's a loop that I can't seem to get out of..

I feel so the same. I know everything, i have the steps, the logic behind it. It's so fucking hard to push yourself into that action-stepping-baricade-crushing flow that i have been experienced, but only now and then and mostly after relapses.