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Day 79

Had a good day with its pros and cons.

I woke up at 9.30 (the latest allowed by my schedule, but still allowed). Right after waking up I failed my goal not to look at my phone before getting dressed, because my flatmate was using the bathroom and I didn’t know what to do while I was waiting for my time to take a shower. And it took a while.

Then I arrived to the library very late but kept a positive attitude and by the end of the day I had studied more than usual. That’s because I involuntary did some changes:

1 Since I arrived late, my favourite room was already full and I could not take a seat. Instead of finding another “secundary” room, I went directly to the main room. I used to avoid the main room because it’s totally silent, so silent that it used to feel oppressive. But I guess I changed and now the silence of 100 people around me doesn’t scare me anymore. In fact, it helped me focus more and be more productive. I’ll use the main room again in the future.

2 I took less breaks, even for smoking. Probably due to being more focused.

3 I had conversations during breaks. Just small talk. I found it helps to clear my mind and be ready when I go back to studying.

Thanks for reading

5 days without tobacco!

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Day 80

Good day.

The first half of the italian politics course has ended, now it’ll be less intensive because it’s the students’ turn to speak. I’ll speak on the 30th of may but it’s too early to think about that.

Tomorrow at 9 I must attend a class for my extracurricular project. This means I’ll wake up at 8. My goal in the next days will be to always wake up at 8. It’ll be easier after being forced to do it tomorrow. Also, tomorrow is finally thursday and I can’t wait to walk the tennis ground again.

I kinda wasted my evening playing 3 hours straight with a bottle of water (lol) together with my gf’s flatmate. The game was throwing it on the table managing to keep it standing. We set many rules and so on. I mean, I wouldn’t say I wasted my time, playing is fun and beneficial, but I need to spend more energy on studying or I won’t have an easy time in the coming month.

 

Edited by info-gatherer
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1 hour ago, BigOlBeartic said:

What's your project on?

Hey :) description is in Monday’s entry. It’s a very long post, the info you want to know is right in the middle of it

- - -

A couple hours ago I had a very strong craving to game. I’ll elaborate in tonight’s post.

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1 hour ago, BigOlBeartic said:

So sorry! I guess I skipped that one somehow D:

but research and a 30 minute speech! Dang, Get it! :p

lol Bear no worries, nobody is forced to read my posts! I really appreciate that you (or anybody) take the time to read just a single one (and you do much more than that!). My journal is a free space, people can come and go, just like I don’t feel forced to always read other people’s journal when I’m busy :)

Little update: just got out of the tennis lesson and I feel like Roger fkin Federer

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Day 81

It’s already too late, I’ve been to my gf’s until now, once again. I lost track of time and now it’s 2 AM. Guess I’m not waking up at 8 tomorrow. Or maybe I am. I’ll decide it after the post.

”The shame”

The extra lesson this morning was terrible. My belly ached so much because I needed to use the toilet, but I didn’t dare stand up and exit the room because I arrived 5 minutes late & it was my first time in the PhD students private quarters & we were just 7 people including the professor & the environment was very intimate. So I just suffered in silence until I couldn’t hold it anymore and my belly rumbled out loud, I did a half fart and the smell and ahahah it’s so embarassing to just WRITE about this, living it was worse. But hey it happened, can’t change that, I must live with it and it’s nothing serious, just an embarassing moment, no reason to get obsessed about it. I mean please somebody tell me it’s nothing serious bfjskkdhahbabsbsbshoojnm aaaah what a petty human being am I?

”The craving”

While I was in the library, at my desk, I suddenly had a very intense craving to play league of legends. I thought about a particular champion, Taliyah - I used to BLOCK my gaming-related thoughts with force of will (with much success) until a month ago, but then I had no more gaming thoughts and so I was caught by surprise by this one and didn’t react immediately. So, the champion: I couldn’t remind its exact skillset. Its abilities. I panicked, and thought I needed to go and play again RIGHT NOW. I was scared I was losing all my skill and if I ever wanted to go back I would be a total newbie, my heart started thumping, my pulse accelerated, I started to sweat. Like a mini panic attack. It lasted for just 30 seconds before I blocked it but was very intense. I’m not sure what to think about it.

”The Roger”

Easter holidays’ tennis special training paid off. I played better than ever, almost at the level of the best guy in the course. It was SO SO SO satisfying! Service is fine, right hand is on point, backhand still some problems but I’m working on it. Haven’t had the chance to test volée and smash but they were already good. We played a match and I lost but I gave it my very best and was satisfied by the result. Just need to keep going.

”In search of the wasted time”

I really need to improve my sleep schedule. Need that 1 extra hour in the morning. Ok today I failed but I’ll do better tomorrow... but tomorrow is friday... mhhh... The weekend is coming and I need to USE that time, I can’t (only) relax as I usually do. Tomorrow I’ll think about a plan for the weekend. Class at 11-13! I’m going to bed.

Love you people

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I've had quite a few experiences more embarrassing than the one you had in your class, but the embarrassment passed (pun not intended) by the next day. Happens to all of us.

I'm surprised you've had so much success redirecting your thoughts. Good job man. Not really a tactic I've put too much effort towards. Glad you held on.

Hey, and congrats on the tennis! Looks like you've found a good replacement for LoL that feeds your competitive side.

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@Pierce I don’t like the idea of blocking thoughts in general, I want to think freely without blocks, but gaming thoughts are usually obsessive (repetitive, always identical, over and over) and that’s why I think it’s worth trying to censure them. Conquering habits is important, but conquering the mind is even more important.

Also, thanks for reassuring me.

Day 82

It’s 2 AM again. I stayed up until late trying to figure out a way to buy nicotine for my vape in an almost-legal way in Italy. I eventually managed to do it, and my numbers say that I will save up to 200€ a month if I do everything correctly (time to play the little chemist).

It’s too late for a raging rant against italian politics and culture, so I’m not going for it.

Plan for the weekend: I will read the novel that I’m supposed to write about in my next paper. It’s not studying, but not total relax either, and it will save me a bit of time in the coming days. Perfect for the weekend. The book is not very long, around 300 pages, if I finish it tomorrow I’ll make another plan for sunday.

Social: I was invited out for dinner by a friend of mine, to a young historian & university professor’s home. I didn’t go because I told myself I was too tired to meet new people. Also, because my gf, who knows him, says that he’s a monster of egocentrism and I didn’t want to deal with the eventuality of an uncomfortable situation. I trusted her judgment instead of going and seeing it with my own eyes. The real reason of my refusal is that I felt like life is too shirt to waste my time doing things I don’t want to do, even if that’s beneficial for my life (and career), but I have to acknowledge that this philosophy never got me anywhere, so I guess I’m just a coward? I should try harder.

Also, I was supposed to go visit some old friends but I didn’t do that either. Too tired. I must sleep better. After easter, my sleep schedule never got back to normal. I tried to fix it, but I failed. Today I guess is National Day of Failure in my mind. It was a good day, but it could be much better if I tried.

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So, yesterday I was ashamed to journal, that’s why I didn’t. I’ll do it now.

Day 83

Yesterday I woke up at 9.30 and did nothing meaningful (watched my phone, learning more about italian laws about ecigarettes) until 11. At that point I had a craving to go back to my parents’ home. I both wanted to spend time with them, feel less alone, and have decent food for lunch instead of the crap we get at the university canteen. 75 minutes and a bus later I was to my parents’. They waited me for lunch (I arrived at 13.30 and they normally eat at 13.00), it was nice. I didn’t want to eat alone. Then instead of studying I spent the whole afternoon buying materials online for my vape juices. Bought everything: nicotine, vegetal glycerine, propylenic glycol, distilled water, flavours, empty bottles, syringes, needles and so on. Spent 150€.

Then in the evening my sister and a friend of her asked me to drive them to a place. I did. While I was driving back home, I noticed the lights in the baseball stadium were on. Now, Italy is not famous for baseball, but my city used to (before bankrupt happened 10 years ago) play the game at quite high level. We also won the european championship or something once. I stopped my car and walked inside. It was the 5th inning already so I just walked past the gates with no one asking me for money. It was my 2nd baseball game ever, I spent 10 minutes looking for the rules online. Then I started to understand. I stayed there 2 hours until the end of the match and had fun. Cool moment. Im trying to upload a photo but can’t do it for some reason.

Then went home and stayed up until 3 AM searching the movies tracker. Hence the shame. This morning woke up at 9.30, couldn’t take a shower bc my dad was shaving in the bathroom, went back to bed, woke up again at 12.

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@info-gatherer If you're getting upload error -200, it's because of the resolution size. You have to go into a photo editor (I used Paint.net) and look for the 'resize' tool and reduce the resolution. I've found things below 1920x1080 works... @Cam Adair might know the exact details?

Edited by Arch

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Thanks @Arch but I usually access from my phone. Nvm tho.

Day 84

Let’s be real, I wasted my weekend. I didn’t study nor socialize. A part of me says that I probably shouldn’t have come back to my parents’, the other part of me says that I really need to just chill in the weekend if I don’t want to burn out. And it’s probably true, or at least partially true. The problem is that I can’t afford to stay idle right now. My schedule doesn’t allow it. Next weekend I’ll hit 90 days, I will spend my time better as a mean of celebrating.

Highlights of the day:

- Watched TV with my dad and sister. This didn’t happen for years, if I want to watch something I just close the door of my room and turn my pc on. There’s no ads and I can choose what to watch. But I really wanted to feel closer to my family and I’m very happy about that hour.

- I went in the living room with the purpose of saying goodnight to my dad and did it and he high fived me. May not sound anything special, but that doesn’t happen often (me looking for him; he always tried to be closer to me but I always refused any contact, and playing games was usually the reason why: I did not pay attention to him or I was always too embarassed to try and open myself with him. I hope this is a step towards healing our relationship).

Going to bed, alarm in less than 8 hours

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Day 85

Came back to uni city, attended classes, studied as much as I could but spent the evening playing the guitar and singing together with my gf and a friend. Sad moment when a guy I barely know but talked to a couple times pretended not to see me and didn’t say hi. I know, it’s nothing serious.

Now it’s not too late here (half past midnight) so I’m going to bed. Tomorrow I have no classes and I will try to study all day long. I’ll give myself 8 hours of sleep then wake up and get stuff done.

Goal for tomorrow: don’t look at the phone before I am out of home.

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I know it feels crappy to have spent the time at home instead of doing school work, but that actually sounds like an incredible weekend. You spent time with your family, got to see a baseball game for free (pretty awesome story), and got closer to your father and sister. To top it all off today you got to enjoy music with your gf and a friend.

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Agree with Pierce, I wish I had done those things this weekend honestly. Reading your entry about a slight acquaintance ignoring you reminded me of an experience I had this semester during interview week. This person from one of my classes will sometimes talk to me and I'll sometimes talk to them, this time I was in line to sign in for interviews, and they start talking to the person in front of me, pretending I wasn't there the whole time <_<" haha, and when they finished, that conversation they didn't say anything to me either.

Now you might say I should have taken the initiative and said hi to them after they finished the conversation. With my anxiety problems though, unfortunately I didnt :/ Anyway, next time we saw each other, things proceeded as usual and we talked. If anything, I tried to not be bitter about it and try to take the initiative more in conversations because this has happened to me some other times. Maybe the dude is just tired of always having to initiate the conversation is what I thought. I think i may have done this to others in the past as well though, although I can't be sure. Congratz on interacting with your dad like that by the way, that's a happy occasion. 

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You guys always make my life look like some kind of marvellous existence and I’m grateful for it :) I need to learn to enjoy more the small things. But, this doesn’t mean I must not strive for further improvement. There’s a lot of stuff that need to get better. @BigOlBeartic will we ever overcome our social ineptness? I really hope we will at some point (that’s probably part of the purpose of partecipating to this community as well)

Day 86

Woke up at 9, got a shower, then made the terrible mistake of lying down on the bed “for just a moment”, woke up an hour later. Went to the library and spent the day there. Took too many breaks, my productivity was average, so I failed my goal of improving it (I thought that I could do much more today since I had no lessons, but did the usual amount of study). After the library closed I was not satisfied so I went to another study room and stayed another hour there. Then I finally had dinner at 9.30. Spent the evening “mindlessly browsing the net”, as some people like to say here. I actually grabbed my phone with the precise intent of reading other people’s journals but in the end I got lost in the world wide web. Tomorrow class at 11, hope to study at least 1 hour before that (need to wake up at 8 if I want to succeed). Have a nice day everyone.

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I was commenting on @Dannigan‘s journal but then I deleted everything because I realized I was only talking about me, me, me, me, just me. So I thought I’d write it here instead. She wrote

Quote

 

Comparing a game- friendship to the people I was close to in person, is like comparing copper to gold.  It's the human contact that I miss.  I'm not suggesting that one person is worse than another, it's the context of the friendship that is unfulfilling.  What I find fulfilling are these scenarios:  sharing a laugh in person, cooking them dinner, hosting a party for them, going out to the movies, going out for coffee, enjoying a silent walk together, even arguing over the stupidest things and then apologizing.  The fact is that you are within arm's reach of one another.  

But I can’t relate. I am stuck in my loneliness and even if I feel very much alone, I don’t care about other people. I lived alone for my whole life except for family and “sentimental” relationships (girlfriends), seldom had a group of friends, almost never had friends I honestly loved. I suffer from this thing, I’d “like” to have friends, the idea of having friends, be less alone, be accepted and understood, but I can’t have friends because I can’t love other people. I’m not (that) shy, I know how to build a relationship, but I just don’t want to. I feel protected in my isolation, I don’t want to lose this shelter. It’s not only about the comfort zone thing, it’s that I am seldom if ever interested in other people, I am egocentric, narcissist, everything is just about me, always me, I’m the only one that matters... Maybe it’s just that tonight I’m very tired and should go to bed, but I feel so empty... feel like I have no love to give to other people... they can all go fuck themselves and their happiness for all I care, I’m so detached... Maybe I should just try and meet new people, change the way I see things, but I can’t change this: I don’t care about other people. I can’t feel empathy towards them. I spend time with others because I need the contact, I can (involuntarily) fool people into thinking I care about them (many people make this mistake with me and call me a “friend”), but at the end of the day I am really uninterested whether they are happy or sad, fulfilled or not fulfilled, good or bad, wise or naive, functional or disfunctional, in good health or in a bad shape. This is why I’m alone and I have no friends.

Edited by info-gatherer
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Gotta add this other thought...

@info-gatherer, to go a step further....I think that people fit into a certain 'category' of friendships.  Obviously not all of our friends will be intimate with us.  But we subconsciously place friends in specific categories because it suits our purpose somehow. Your tennis partner....a friend, not an intimate friend, but somebody you can hang out with from time to time, compete with, and share a lunch with.  Nothing too intimate there, but still it's a social contact.  You just never know where it will lead, but for now it's comfortable, right?  

Anyway, I've rambled too long, and my bedtime is arriving swiftly.  45 more minutes....

 

Edited by Dannigan
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Sorry people for the rant. Expecially sorry for you@Dannigan, I’m the last person in the world that wants to mess up other people’s habits. I really appreciated your words and thanks for taking the time to write them. I agree with most of it. But the  part that made me feel uneasy is 

19 hours ago, Dannigan said:

I can come back to myself and be okay. And if it's too over-whelming....I have a good cry...let out that stress....and wait it out....until I feel at peace again.

I said uneasy because I feel I can “backwards relate”. I never manage to let out the stress crying. I sometimes train crying, I think about my grandparents’ old age and the fact that they may die sooner than I’m prepared to face it, and I often manage to cry that way, but it’s artificial tears. I “naturally” cry maybe twice a year and when I do everything gets better. But many other times I’d like to cry and let it out and I just can’t, because I don’t feel anything. I think this applies somehow to friendships too. I’d like to give love to other people (“in giving is when I receive” says the Cam Adair podcast) but I often find I have no love to give. You said you see yourself as an observer, and that’s how I see myself as well. I’d “love” (hehe) to get involved in other people’s lives but I feel stuck in this distance. Maybe I (maybe you) should just have a little more faith in my/ourselves, trust ourselves that everything will be allright and we’ll be less alone if we just accept other people in our lives. I agree with your definition of intimacy. But if we stay distant from others, we won’t develop that intimacy. As my mother used to tell me every time, “if you don’t go to your classmates’ birthday parties how do you expect to know them?” And I was like “but who cares about them”, and I was wrong. And I was wrong yesterday too when I wrote that I don’t care about other people. It’s not true. I care. It’s just that being with others is very difficult, I get tired easily and there’s no “measurable progress” like in videogames. Also, videogames. Where will I be hiding from people now that I don’t have my old escape? I guess I’ll need to meet the people I always tried to escape from. I’m already doing it. Thanks to this community that gives me the strenght to go out everyday and do my best to rewire my messy mind, my desolate social life, my family problems, my school failures, and so on.

Day 87

Just writing down the highlights

“The conference” 6 PM went to a conference. A dude that used to be my friend was one of the speakers and he invited our “group of friends” (that group doesn’t exists anymore, despite what WhatsApp says) to hear him. So I went and listened to him but left before the end of the conference because I was scared of the post-debate “social moment”. I didn’t want to end up in an awkward situation, I made up a much terrible excuse and left. I went to the conference out of curiosity + support to the person that was speaking but we’re not friends anymore and it’s always embarassing to meet.

”Moderation” remember when many weeks ago I said that I went to often to my gf’s house and decided that I wouldn’t go there anymore except when I was invited? Turned out both my gf and her flatmate kept inviting me almost every day so I just kept going. Tonight my gf said please stop coming just for a few days I really need to study and F. (her flatmate) just talks all the time when you’re there and I always waste my evening. She’s 100% right and I am tired of this situation too. Ok’ after a long day of study I just want to relax and chill with this 2 people I have fun with but I should really moderate myself and think about more important things: my sleep schedule, being open to new experiences (I often decline other invites to go there), learn how to be alone. I won’t spend the evening there for a while, a week or more, and see how it goes.

tomorrow no classes thanks god I can study all day long and of course tennis in the evening can’t wait to be there

goal: wake up at 8.30

Edited by info-gatherer
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15 hours ago, Dannigan said:

It's never been easy for me to share intimate details about my life with people I become close to.  Fear of being judged is the main stumbling block.  Maybe I'll look for opportunities to open up a little at a time.   I'll work on it.  :)

I’d like to know more about this and I hope you write this kind of thoughts in your journal so I can read them. I never had this problem, so I think I may help with advice (...now that I think about it, how can I help if I never had the problem?? Oh well...) Thanks for the interesting and honest discussion. I want to learn from it and put more effort in my life towards being a better human being when I’m with other people.

Day 88

Did I mess up the counter? I’ll check after this post.

Left the library early because I thought it was my turn to clean the house but it wasn’t. Instead of studying at home I browsed a vaping forum for 1 hour until it was time to leave.

Went to tennis and played terribly, but that’s not the point. The point is that I was so angry because there is this new girl in our group that is a pain in the ass. Every time she makes a mistake she asks (DEMANDS) the teacher to do the exercise again, she “cries” and says that she is worthless blah blah blah while we wait for our turn. She takes double the play time that we take just because of her pettiness, stops in the fucking middle of the exercises and leaves the field, is never ready when it’s her turn to play and we must wait for her and she prevents any way of having a decent lesson by always speaking when she is not required to and blocking the flow of the lesson. My mates just laugh at her, they’re not angry, they say she is “a girl” and that’s why she can behave like that (like, hey girls have no brain, ahah). Me, who despite my level 0 in english am not illitterate, and believe in gender equality, am just mad at this egocentric idiot that wastes all my time. I go to tennis because I want to RELAX, PLAY, HAVE FUN, not because I want to watch her ever-playing idiotic movie. After every exercise I RUN I FUCKING RUN and go and pick up all the balls from the ground as fast as I can so we can start again faster and she wastes all my efforts, all my time, all my will to be there.

Ok, dumbass, take a deep breath... another rant in the wall :/ sorry

After the tennis lesson, the teacher (who doesn’t teach how to play tennis for a living, but is an architect and a screenplay writer as well, and recently found a sudden interest in politics, running for major in the city) got me in this everlasting conversation about how he NEARLY (man come on...) missed the chance to become major and now is rebuilding his strenght inside his party and he asked me to join the party. He said “it would be useful for me” to get involved in politics, presumably because of my weak personality. And he’s probably right, but I’d prefer cutting my right hand off instead of being in the same room with a bunch of short-sighted or even worse corrupted italian politicians (by the way, what you read in the newspapers about italian politics is mostly true) talking about stuff that for the most part doesn’t remotely interest me.

That said, exams are coming, and winterfell is not prepared

I’m commenting a couple other journals now and hope to give other people the positivity that I lack

EDIT: I fucked up the counter, today is Day 89.

Also, 2 weeks without cigarettes

Edited by info-gatherer
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You guys should maybe consider setting the boundaries and tell the organizer or the girl herself that what she is doing isn't okay and how it's affecting others. If the rules are not set she will feel free to act as crazy as she likes and it is partly because of her not being told what is not acceptable. Example consequence = you don't get to play if you act crazy like this. I know, in an ideal world people would all be attuned to their common sense but many including us are not and need rules to see a mirror reflection of our unreasonableness.

These things are important to deal with because I can see how it has affected you emotionally where you invest important time in it and have Tennis as an activity you'd like to enjoy. This isn't a selfish thing to do (if you look at it the negative way) but to create an environment that is sane and enjoyable for you and others.

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@info-gatherer

Well.  The one thing I have not told my closest friend who now lives far away is that I was addicted to games.  She's quite an intellectual and looks down upon gamers.  I assume she would think that I'd never succumb to it. When I visit her this summer I will let her know.  I'm curious how she'll respond.  

In general, I don't reveal a lot of myself to new people I just met.  But I'm not averse to sharing 'some' things.  I like my privacy and now that I think about it, it's none of anyone's damn business.  

Don't ssume that I don't know how to be intimate with good friends.  I have been in past relationships.  But that level of comfort and trust evolved over time.  Nowadays I don't give a fuck.  I dont believe that if a person shares something private about themselves that I should be expected to do the same thing.  Here's a good example. --- The last person that tried to befriend me in a meet up group was way too open about her own miseries.  I ended up enduring multiple phone calls in which she'd be crying on the phone about her ex-best friend.  That made me want to run away from her.  I hardly even KNEW this girl.  And then she decided that I'd be her personal counselor.  I left that friendship very quickly.  It was intense from the very beginning. 

DO I share intimate details about myself?  Yes and no.  I guess I screen what I want to share.  Especially if the recipient has below average emotional intelligence or comes across as arrogant or judgmental.  Most of all, I am deliberately careful because I learned that too much shared information at an early stage of a new friendship  can be TOO much all at once. It is unattractive to me. 

Edited by Dannigan
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@Arch you’re perfectly fine, I should say something. I think I have three options:

1 Privately talk with the teacher

2 Talk with my mates after the lesson, and see if they agree with me

3 Say it right in the middle of the lesson, when the problem happens

I’ll try in order 2, 1 and 3.

Also, thanks for saying “including us”, it made me think about my behavior and that I should be more humble when accusing other people. I also make mistakes when relating to other people at tennis (mainly because I struggle with social contact) and I should try to fix that before telling others how to behave.

@Dannigan I agree that sharing isn’t necessarily a good thing. I had similar experiences to the one that you mentioned (except I was the other person, making the crazy calls and being miserable). I learned from it. Respect of the other people should always come before our desire to be close to someone. About your friend... I don’t know what’s your definition of intellectual, but that usually comes with an open mind. Sure, “intellectuals” are judgemental (that’s their job) but that doesn’t mean much, expecially if you tell her how you successfully managed to quit! I bet you’ll have no problems with your friend :)

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Day 90

So... end of the detox :’( sad face

What will I do now??? I have no purpose!!

Just kidding :) I’ll start again tomorrow with another journal (MODS please don’t delete/archive this one yet! I want to save it somewhere! P.S. is there a way to convert it to PDF?)

So... I don’t have much time because I must be in a place in 30, but I’ll try to list here what I learned. Maybe I’ll expand more in the future (in a dedicated post).

I used to spend 10 hours a day playing videogames. My life was getting harder and harder. I wasn’t pursuing my interests or my career or social life. All I thought was videogames (litterally, I spent most of my time thinking about them even when I wasn’t playing).

FOR 90 DAYS I DIDN’T

1 Play videogames

2 Watch videogame websites, videos, streams or material; with the following exceptions:

(2a I went on the league of legends website once because I wanted to deactivate my account. In the end I didn’t. Maybe I’ll do it now.

2b I searched my gaming friends’ accounts on a website 2 or 3 times because I wanted to see if they were still playing)

3 BLOCK EVERY GAMING THOUGHT with pure force of will. Some thought of course slipped by, but overall I’d say I thought about videogames for a total of less than an hour during the detox period

What changed in my life:

1 I study twice as much as before, up to 10 hours a day. I regained interest in school and in pursuing my career.

2 My thoughts and dreams are clean. I am not obsessed by videogames all the time. I used to dream about videogames every night. Now I don’t.

3 My social life got BETTER and my ABILITY TO INTERACT with other people grew a lot. Also, my self-esteem got mostly fixed.

4 I do sports! I played tennis once a week for 90 days.

5 After 5 years of addiction, two weeks ago I quit smoking cigarettes and became a vaper. I plan on quitting smoking completely in the future.

6 I learned a lot and developed a whole philosophy about addictions in general and videogames in particular. I can’t write it here because it would have the lenght of a book.

7 I use internet way less often. Also, I don’t have wifi in my house. Only internet I use is the 3 GB of my monthly data plan + external wifis in public places. I download the movies I want to watch when I’m to my parents’.

8 MY DAMN SLEEP SCHEDULE got a MAJOR FIX. Far from perfect yet, but not the shit it used to be anymore.

9 My english improved I guess, after “90 Days of Journal”

10 I have a better relationship with my family, expecially my dad

11 My gf is happier because I am happier

12 Did I forget something? Probably, but I’ll have time to say it. I’m not leaving this community.

Is there more work to do? Of course! I’ll write about it in my next journal.

About videogames... I still have cravings from time to time. My mind didn’t completely rewire as intended. But I’ll get there.

I want to thank every member of the community and expecially those who wrote in my journal and helped me overcome the many obstacles that I found on my way. Special thanks to @BigOlBeartic , @Pierce and @Dannigan, by far the most active users on this thread. I’ll keep reading your journals and hope you can get wherever you want in your life.

Thanks to the Gamequitters team! To our host @Cam Adair for building the community and helping me and many other people have a better life through your example and passionate work. I wouldn’t be writing this if it wasn’t for you. And @Hitaru, a good mod (do you even mod?) and the best writer of this community in my humble opinion. Real feelings in his posts.

And to everyone else, have a good journey. It may be hard at times, but it’s the toll we have to pay for succumbing to a dangerous drug. As all the journals testify, the rewards are always worth it. Stay strong.

By the way, my name is Mattia.

Have a nice day.

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Such a epic journey and your journal was an extremely interesting and engaging read :D Congratulations and I look forward to reading more :)

Edit: I have a good suggestion about saving your journal, this is a bit faster than copying and pasting every entry. You have eight pages so far. Just go to each page, and use a "Webpage to PDF" converter web browser extension/app. I have one on Firefox called PDF Mage that does this. It's pretty quick! All you do is go to the webpage you want as a pdf, and click the app icon.

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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