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dwalk77

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Day 2

Most of yesterday was good, very good.  I finally took that step of moving my computer setup back out to the living room.  My roommate commented "It's nice to see you out here again", and that was really nice to hear.  I also initiated some plans with my roommates, and we went out to dinner last night.  I'd like to try to do that once every week or 2, this could be key in getting some accountability and connection.

After dinner though, I binged on a TV series, to the point where I was watching it past 1 a.m.  I feel it offsets part of the good progress I made, b/c I feel miserably tired today.  I'm irritated with myself about that.  I knew what I was doing, it was like a form of self-harm.  I was forcing myself to stay awake, but I was determined to finish out the series.  From past experience, it seems better to avoid this stuff than to try to limit it. 

It seems extreme though...giving up a lot of what I do (or am trying to do).  Gaming, porn, social media, alcohol, caffeine.  Given our culture, seems very extreme that I would choose to forgo all of those things completely.  But when I leave the door cracked on these things....somehow...I think they make me less of a person.  If I want to live up to my potential, I think these things distract me from it.  Am I being too hard on myself? No, I don't think so.  I've tried to take it easy.  It's gotten me nowhere.  I need to push myself, I need to be pushed. 

One other thing I wanted to check in about...I screwed up at work, and I'm kicking myself for it.  Fortunately, it doesn't actually negatively affect my boss or the company.  But I've made more work, stress, and financial worries for myself.  Basically I was asked to go to a training event a long time ago, months ago.  I set a reminder to make traveling arrangements.  I blew off the reminder, I procrastinated, multiple times.  I looked at the calendar today, and realized the event is 5 days away, and I have no hotel arrangements.  The training is in a downtown area, so nearby hotels are not cheap.  I've never traveled with my company before, so there's a process to working with a 3rd party, who will book the stay and reimburse you.  But apparently I have to get a profile set up through our traveling department, and I haven't heard back from them yet.  So it looks like I may be paying out of pocket for this and staying somewhere farther away. all due to me.  I didn't want to go in the first place to this, but this just makes it a lot worse.   I guess the one good thing is it'll all be over with come end of next week.

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Day 13

I'm surprised I've been this long without posting.  9/25 - that was the last day I gamed.  About 2 weeks ago.  It's still on my mind some, but the larger urges have faded.  It's kind of crazy...the last day that I gamed, I opened a second Steam account and bought a $60 game that I owned already under my first Steam account.  I did that b/c my first account was not accessible from my own doing.   Basically, I intentionally locked myself out of it b/c I wanted to be permanently done with gaming, but then the urge to play became so strong that I opened a 2nd account.  It sounds insane.  I think that's part of believing in 12 Steps.  The 2nd step says we are insane.  I can't rely on myself for sanity.

I'm glad I haven't gamed in a few weeks.  As I said, I have had some urges, and to watch streams too.  Honest, though, I haven't been doing great.  I've been watching a ton of media and staying in my room and around the house.  I sort of had a jolt last week and went out with some friends, but I consumed too much alcohol, and that set me on a worse path again.  I've again decided to stop alcohol for 90 days.  It's tough around the holidays, but I've done it before. 

I do have softball and volleyball going on right now, but it's not nearly enough.  Being single and working a regular day job, I've got tons of time.  Connection, that's what I really need to work on.  Trying to think about planning each day out.  Will boredom drive me to connection? If I give up watching TV for a while, will it drive me to getting out of my house, or will I just end up caving again?

 

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Well, I did game last weekend.  There was a game on my mind from a previous streamer I had watched.  I was really bored.  First I started watching the game being played on Youtube.  Then I caved into buying the game.  I was really excited about it.  A simple game, but allows for some creativity.  Well, after getting it installed and playing it for a few hours, it crashed.  It's one of two things - my computer is not capable of handling it or the game is bugged.  Regardless of which one it is, I wasn't going to buy a new computer, so that ended my run.  So even though it was just for a few hours, I still count that as gaming again, and need to reset for my 90-day detox.

It didn't end there though.  I wish it did.  But I was browsing around Twitch, and decided to check up on some of my favorite streamers from the past.  Yup, they're still around.  And I've been watching them a ton.  I got hooked back in.  If I go home from work and I game for 6 hours or I go home from work and watch a streamer game for 6 hours -- I don't think there's really not much difference between the 2 of them.  Neither one does me much benefit, and in fact, they take me away from my goals and connections.  So for the last week or so, I've been watching streamers about every day for multiple hours.

Today is Monday, the start of the work week, and this is a good time for me to stop watching streamers.  I took one step in not gaming, but I need to take another in not watching. 

I've been thinking about the games I like to play, or why I like watching these streamers.  There's something at my core that desires nature, and to build, destroy, create.  I feel so far away from that in real life. 

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Good job on bouncing back from it so quickly though! Just 1 day of gaming is not bad! Sure it's bad to keep watching streamers/videos, but you stopped that after a week too! Remember your commitment and your 'WHY'. This shit is not easy, but that's just a signal that it's worth it. 

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It's been a little while since I've been on here, so wanted to give an update, even though things haven't been great.

I haven't been gaming, but I've been watching a ton of streams.  I do think gaming is worse for me than watching games, but still, my goal is not to do either.  I've found a favorite streamer I like to watch, and he's been playing in some tournaments, and that's really hooked me in.  I skipped work today, and part of the reason was so I could watch him play in another tourney.  I also like the dopamine rush I get from watching highlights or funny moments of streamers on Youtube. 

It starts with one day without.  I'm 33 years old, it's time for me to grow up and stop watching this stuff.  It's not doing me any good.  I'm meant for more than this. 

My target is Saturday.  I will move my computer setup back into the living room, a common area, and go to a support group meeting.  

Edited by dwalk77
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1 hour ago, dwalk77 said:

It's been a little while since I've been on here, so wanted to give an update, even though things haven't been great.

I haven't been gaming, but I've been watching a ton of streams.  I do think gaming is worse for me than watching games, but still, my goal is not to do either.  I've found a favorite streamer I like to watch, and he's been playing in some tournaments, and that's really hooked me in.  I skipped work today, and part of the reason was so I could watch him play in another tourney.  I also like the dopamine rush I get from watching highlights or funny moments of streamers on Youtube. 

It starts with one day without.  I'm 33 years old, it's time for me to grow up and stop watching this stuff.  It's not doing me any good.  I'm meant for more than this. 

My target is Saturday.  I will move my computer setup back into the living room, a common area, and go to a support group meeting.  

If you have been gaming a lot and a long time it might be not that easy to get off frome the hook. But you are definetely on the right way of thinking. I feel that is the key to sucess. I never liked streams much but i guess it might worth a try to shift your watching focus on something else maybe craft related considering what you have said about creation and stuff. I mean you will need a hobby anyway to fill the time you are going to get by not playing videogames and without it it will be a tough ride.

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Day 5

I haven't watched any streams since Wednesday, so I will consider that my reset date.  I've kept myself busy enough to not want to game or watch gaming.  Today is Sunday and it's basically wide open, which is not such a great thing, b/c unplanned time for me often leads to destructive behavior.  I've had a few ideas, going to see a movie or going to the gym. 

This time of the year always seems to be a real challenge for me.  On one hand, I spend more time with my family, with warmth and love.  But...on the other, there's more stress, more free time (time off from work), and less opportunity to be outdoors, both with it being colder and the days being shorter.  It makes for a very good time for gaming.  But it also makes for a good time for something like reading.

I just have to take it one day at a time.  In January, things will return to a sense of normalcy.  In the meantime, have some patience, and keep myself occupied.

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3 hours ago, dwalk77 said:

Day 5

I haven't watched any streams since Wednesday, so I will consider that my reset date.  I've kept myself busy enough to not want to game or watch gaming.  Today is Sunday and it's basically wide open, which is not such a great thing, b/c unplanned time for me often leads to destructive behavior.  I've had a few ideas, going to see a movie or going to the gym. 

This time of the year always seems to be a real challenge for me.  On one hand, I spend more time with my family, with warmth and love.  But...on the other, there's more stress, more free time (time off from work), and less opportunity to be outdoors, both with it being colder and the days being shorter.  It makes for a very good time for gaming.  But it also makes for a good time for something like reading.

I just have to take it one day at a time.  In January, things will return to a sense of normalcy.  In the meantime, have some patience, and keep myself occupied.

I totally feel you! Winter is really hard when you try to get away from the computer. You cant do sports or outside, or just chill. I still try to go out as often as I can, but yea, i feel you. Keep it up, try to do some productive things(learning new things, language, instrument, w/e u like!)

wish you the best!!

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It's been a while since I've posted, a couple months.  I wish I had good news to report, but to be honest, I've been doing poorly.  Between porn and watching video games, my life has been a train wreck.  I've spent an absurd amount of time between those 2 things over the last month or so.  I thought that being January in itself and the holidays dying down would be enough in itself to push me to get some initiative.  I think what I learned was I can't take days off.  I can't take weeks off.  I don't mean that in the sense that I can't have relaxing days from time to time.  But I do mean that I can't expect to binge watch video games or porn for a day and for it NOT to affect me in the future.  And if I do it for weeks, it makes it even more difficult to get out of it.  There's longer term consequences than I may have expected.

It's already mid-January now, and I've done no recovery work over the last few months.  No confession, no meetings, no routine of gym/reading/praying/phone calls.  It's not been a good last few months.

It's up to me when I start getting better.  My target right now is this weekend, to move my computer out of my bedroom and into my living room.  That's the first thing.  And then go to confession.  If I do those 2 things, I already consider it a good weekend.

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@dwalk77 keep trying buddy! I would suggest trying sports at home or around. Like 10-20 pushups plus situps. Small amount of home training won't be effective as full time at gym, but it will give you temporary motivation and energy to do something useful.

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I've had a hard time letting go of a certain game.  The last few weeks has been somewhat frightening b/c I've really pushed things farther than I have in a long time.  Here are  some examples of flags:

  • I stayed up until 5 a.m. one morning playing a game when i had a wedding to go to with some close friends the next day.  It's extremely rare for me to stay up that late, and even more so from gaming.  I work typical shifts for my job during the week, so to completely flip my sleep schedule like that takes a lot of drive b/c I'm usually very tired if I'm up past midnight. 
  • There was another instance early this morning where I woke up in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m., and my adrenaline was pumping so much to play this game that I started playing the game around 3:30 a.m.  This is another thing that is unheard of in my life.  In the past, if I fell into gaming, it was usually on the weekends.  But starting to play in the middle of the night during the week.  I don't know if I've ever done that before. 
  • These changes in sleep patterns are bad for my body.  As I'm getting older, I'm less able to adaptive to those sort of changes.  I feel worse.  If I'm playing a game at 3 in the morning, I feel like crap, but the game has been enough to numb that bad feeling.  Along with the sleep schedule change I've been drinking energy drinks, coffee, and soda.  I believe the caffeine is also harmful to my body.  Not only is it bad for my body, but messing with my sleep schedule puts my job at risk.  If I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, I'm not going to want to go to work.
  • On Tuesdays I get to work from home.  Since the new year came around, most Tuesdays I've done next to no work.  Today I gamed during work hours.  I had 2 monitors set up and would regularly click on the "work monitor" to make it show I'm available.  Every Tuesday this year I've had my computer in my bedroom.  It's not good for me.  If my boss caught on to how little work I was really doing here, I could expect consequences.  Besides that, I just feel guilty about being on the clock and not doing anything.  It's a rotten feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It's so different than actually working hard for a day and feeling good about myself.
  • Piling up trash in my bedroom, mostly fast food
  • Eating in my bedroom, piling up dishes in my room instead of washing them after I'm done
  • Intentionally avoiding my roommates.  Waiting until I know they're not in the kitchen so I can sneak in there and get some food or something to drink.
  • Watching streamers and searching for people playing the same game I've been playing
  • More times of just feeling depressed or hopeless. 

This is where I"ve been in 2019.  It's been crap.  I can point to a few positive things, but most days it's been bad.  Today started out as a tough day, starting to game in the wee hours of the morning.  I failed at the game.  Then I tried again after some sleep and failed the game again.  And I did no work today.  It's hard for me to let go of the game b/c I never beat a  certain difficulty/level.  It feels like I'm backing away from a challenge.  Like it was a puzzle that I didn't finish.  If I put more effort and time into it, I could beat it.  The accomplishment side of me really wants to achieve completing that last task. 

But I said no today.  I'm tired of the game.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm forced to play it rather than actually having joy.  I'm tired of it feeling like a burden.  I'm tired of the frustration of losing, tired of me saying "one more time" and it not being one more time.  I realize there are people trying to make money on the other side of the game.  They are spending countless hours trying to make the game addictive.  I realize the game is flawed.  I realize I feel a million times better after playing a few hours of disc golf than I do playing a few hours of a video game.

I uninstalled the game and Steam.  I cleaned the house, did some laundry, and got some sleep.  I watched @Cam Adair 's documentary.  It helped.  It helped me to slow down.  I'm so thankful for this community.

I hope today is a day is the start to something better. 

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Last time to game was on Monday, 2/11.

I gamed after my last post on here.  It was a Sunday afternoon.  I had just had some lunch with my Dad and the rest of my day was wide open.  The game was still lingering on my mind, and I went for it.  I beat the "challenge" I had struggled so long with, but it came with a price.  I texted into work on Monday morning to play the game some more.  That's 3 unplanned PTO days I've used already this year.  Just doesn't look good.  I also started another map in the game after I finished that game, but I quit mid-game b/c I was just sick and bored of the game.

Tuesday came, and I made some efforts to improve my life again.  I actually worked for a few hours, which isn't the ideal amount, but it's a hell of a lot better than 0 hours.  I took some initiative to get some car repairs done that I had put off for quite some time.  And maybe more importantly, I moved my damn computer from my bedroom to the living room again.  Since I made that move, I've not watched Twitch or played any games.  I've also tried something new where I keep my phone outside my bedroom when I go to bed at night.  I'm using an alarm clock to wake up now instead of my phone.  So far it's been great.  Unplugging at night has ensured I get to bed at a decent hour, and it gives me a reason to read.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday I worked more than a 8-hour full shift at work.  In my 8-year career at my company, I've never done that.  I don't feel I'm owed anything.  Rather, I feel as much as I've slacked off, I owe my company.  Work has been stressful lately as I've had more than I can handle in a day and I feel I'm always trying to catch up.  I also feel concerned my company doesn't think through some of its decisions and am seeing some of the ramifications of that.  But at the end of the day, if I can say I put in 8 hours of hard work, I feel a sense of pride and okay about myself.  If I treat work like I did the first 2 days of the week, I can't have much confidence I'll be able to keep my job.  But if I continue to treat work like I did the last 3 days of the week, it's reasonable to think management has my back and will want to keep me around.   My best approach is for me to put my head down and grind away, trusting that God is with me, even in the lowest of lows.

So today is Day 6.  I'm counting days again and my ultimate goal is 90.  I won't say the game didn't come to mind throughout this weekend.  Or that I don't have this other huge issue of lust that I've really got to get some help with.  But...six days without gaming is the best I've done for quite some time, and it feels good to be unplugged from it for a while.

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Just focus on other things in you life which are important to you. Games as our relief steal most of the great time from our lives. And try to go on 100%! No more excuses.

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