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dwalk77

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Day 21

Well, I finished bingeing on a few seasons of a TV show.  It was a really crappy reality show, but I still got sucked in.  It affected my sleep, and this morning, instead of getting out of bed for work when my alarm went off, I texted in sick.  It's not a huge deal, I have my PTO time, missing one day here and there is not bad, but my attendance history at work has been poor, and that makes it worse.  There's been several days like this, where I just don't feel like coming in, so I don't.   It'd be much better to use these days as planned days and actually get stuff done or do something fun.

I made a list of things I can do today, such as going to the grocery store or watching a film, but I'm having a hard time wanting to do them.  It's such a weird thing...it's impossible as a human being to actually do "nothing", but that's what I want to do.  I might try reading, that sounds like an easy one, and something that's motivated me in the past.  I do feel good about not gaming for 3 weeks, and I think that's important.  But obviously I'm going to have to push myself beyond just not gaming.

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Day 23

Things have turned around since my last post.  Well, first it got crappy.  I missed work on Wednesday b/c I was tired from bingeing on TV the night before.  4 days in a row of not getting enough sleep finally caught up to me.  I felt bad about missing work, I have a reputation for randomly taking days off every now and then without notice.  On one hand, it is my PTO time, and I don't see anything wrong with an occasional day off, a break.  On the other hand, I've done it too often, and I'd rather use that PTO timed for something planned and/or fun.  But that day was also the day things turned around.  I decided to get out of my house and run an errand - which turned out to be 2 errands, then knocked another thing off my to-do list.  I ended up getting some momentum and it turned out to be quite a productive day.  There was a silence at my house, and I embraced it, rather than zoning out to TV.  I did some reading, some thinking, some journaling.

Today I called my sponsor (for another addiction), that was a big step for me.  I didn't get in touch, but left a message.  I also sent a few e-mails about a potential personal trainer.  I'm really sick of being overweight and sitting around.  I want to be in "high school shape".  My roommate has been to the gym 3 times this week, and that's sort of inspired me, b/c before that, he was mostly a couch potato as well.  I feel nervous, anxiety about going to the gym and looking like an idiot or my patience being tested if I have to wait around.  But it just hasn't worked, me doing it on my own.  I'm afraid of failing, flaking out like I've done with so many other things, but isn't it so much worse to never try?

 

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Day 27

I got to talk to my sponsor today from a support group I attend, and that was a relief.  It'd been about a month and a half.  It felt good to reconnect with him.  He's helped me through a lot of stuff.  I plan to call him daily.  On Friday, I felt a spur of motivation hit me very hard.  I wanted to do things, branch out, connect with other people, be in uncomfortable situations...things like Toastmasters, a church group, volunteering.  But as the weekend continued, that emotion has waned a bit.  I was planning to go to a group tonight, but I did not go.  I don't think I wanted to push myself or be uncomfortable.  I think it's important to remember that the actions are much, much more important than the feelings.  If I take some of these actions that make me uncomfortable, I will feel better after.  Maybe not always instantly or obviously, but in the long run, I will feel better.  Sometimes I need to break it down or simplify or prioritize.  But I need to be honest with myself.  If I'm not going to go to this event, what am I going to do to better myself? It's all about connection, this is what's been so lacking in my life, this is what I avoid.  Sure, I can stay here and "get things done", I can clean or organize some thoughts on paper or read or watch some entertaining videos -- but it's lacking that connection factor which is so very important.

I was just thinking about something else, too.  Some of you may relate to this.  I download torrents a lot, and stream on certain websites.  It's free entertainment, it's easy.  But I started to take qualms with it tonight.  Someone else is working to create this content.  There's actors, producers, directors, writers, etc., etc., etc.....I don't care if millions of people are watching a show and they're all making bookoos of money, I'm still undercutting their work by viewing the media in this way.  I don't feel right about it.  There are some laws that are stupid, but this makes sense.  This entertainment isn't here for me to just grab and view as I please.  So going forward, I think I will make an effort to stay away from torrents and those shady streaming sites.  If I want to watch a certain movie, I can get a Netflix subscription or go to the local rental store.  And Youtube/podcasts are a legitimately free alternative.

Forecasting...

Tomorrow is work from home day, always need to be aware of being alone, being in front of the computer for an extended time.  Keep myself busy.  Have counseling tomorrow, first session with new counselor.  Most important thing is to show up.  Looking forward to starting anew.  A little nervous as to how good he's going to be, but won't know until I try

 

 

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Day 33

As far as gaming temptation goes...man, it is way down.  It's a good thing.  It's also something to be aware of...pride.  The thought that I'll just not ever have to worry about this again could get me in trouble.  I like reading others' stories and journals here b/c it helps me remember where I was, and why I quit.  The fact is I could give this up for a year, 2 years, 10 years....have a crappy day, a couple crappy days, a crappy week - and boom! I pick up a copy of some game and I'm totally lost in it again.  That's why I think this community is so important.

Even though gaming temptation has been down, this weekend was kind of blah.  I'm again dealing with some car issues, and until I get it repaired, which is on Tuesday, I feel a bit stranded.  I've had some connection with one of my roommates, and I'm grateful for that, but huge chunks of this weekend were spent alone.  With gaming feeling better, I've been able to focus more on a different, more powerful addiction, sex.  I've been doing much better with that, but withdrawals really kicked up this weekend.  As with gaming, I think it's important for me to remember why I want to quit and where I've been.

Looking forward to getting my car repaired on Tuesday, that's the big thing on my mind right now.  After that, though, I really do need to work on more connections, and doing things outside of my comfort zone like hitting up the gym. 

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Day 36

I did get my car repaired yesterday, which is a huge relief.  And it was cheaper than I expected  I have some piece of mind about that, and hopefully for a long time.  I set a reminder on my phone to check in a few weeks for any oil leaking.  If it checks out okay then, I'll feel solid about it.

Unfortunately, however, yesterday was a terrible day in regards to my other addiction, and that more than offset the good news of the car.  I dove in head first into that, and the effects have carried forward into today.  I texted into work today due to drinking too much last night and staying out too late.  The combination of being hungover, worrying about my Dad's health, blowing this other addiction, and texting into work without notice all made for a pretty crappy feeling today.  As the day went on, though, I showed some resiliency.  I wrote my thoughts out in a personal journal...like everything.  Did some meditation, some light exercise, some reading, and eventually connected with my Mom over dinner.  I will feel better once I get a few days of work back under my belt and reestablish some trust with my co-workers and boss.

@Cam AdairI'm very thankful for this site today.  This is exactly the type of day that in the past I would have sought out some video games or indulged in watching some streamers...and would barely think twice of it.  When in reality, that would take me to a much darker and isolated place.  Coming here, to this community, helps me be mindful of how that is crossing a line, and helps me remember why I quit that.

Forecasting..
#1 priority is to show up to work and work.  I'll feel better with that, I know I will
#2 priority - call my sponsor, go to a meeting, and go to confession.  I can knock out all 3 of those on Saturday.

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Day 47

Yup, as of today, I am over half-way to my goal of 90 days without Twitch or gaming.  There have definitely been some itches here and there.

This last week I've been staying with my Dad, who lives alone and has had some struggles with his health.  It did feel good to help him out a bit and be unselfish.  But there's also been some stress..I was seriously concerned if he's going to make it through this or not, or how long he'll be in this funk.  Fortunately, the last few days I do believe he is improving.  After getting back to my own house though, I started to rationalize that I deserved to reward myself, and I've sort of lost some good habits that I had developed previously.  I was tempted to pull up some Youtube videos of an old game I used to like, but I didn't.  If I did, that could have easily led to me spending lots of time watching more games, and even playing them.

Tomorrow starts the work week, I need to step things up and do things, get out of my shell a bit.

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Day 48

Feeling more of a twitch to play than I have in a while.  A few things specifically stand out.  I went to a website yesterday, and they were actually live-streaming a Twitch feed, which totally caught me off guard.  Fortunately I did not click on it, b/c if I did, I could have easily made a few more clicks and spent hours watching it....which is exactly what they want.  And, just having a few thoughts of the last game I binged on, how fun it was.  Deleting Steam has definitely created a road block to that.

Last week I spent a lot of time staying with my Dad, helping him out, but now I've got loads of free time again.  Have this feeling that I should want to do more, but I don't.  It's getting old, just watching lots of TV.

I have counseling tomorrow, I think that may help me sort some things out. 

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Day 52

Overall feeling good about the whole not gaming thing.  My roommate was out of the country for the month, and he came back yesterday.  That is a huge deterrent to gaming.  He is very extroverted and talkative, and him just being around makes me want to game less, b/c when I game I like it to be very quiet and know that I won't be bothered.  Not only is him being back a good obstacle to gaming, but it's an easy way for me to connect, which is usually one of my primary issues.  On the flip side, it does create a little more tension/stress, but I will still have some times of quiet, and if need be, I can create my own by going to church or the library.  Overall it is definitely a positive effect.

I was feeling a little frustrated this morning.  My Dad's health is still creating tension within our family for multiple reasons.  I'm tired of feeling fat and having skinny arms...I know it's undesirable for women...and I just can "feel" it.  My finances feel like a never-ending burden.  There is progress being made, but it's not as quick as I'd like, and the origin of the debt, which is poor choices by me, is another frustrating factor in it. 

But...just need to slow down, take each moment as it is. 

3 things I'm grateful for:

  1. Weather is starting to warm up and the sun is staying out for longer, which I love. 
  2. I've been working my way through a classic narrative lately, Pride and Prejudice, and I'm really enjoying it
  3. Today is Friday - which means, I got paid today, part of which got to go towards some debt.  I get to sleep in a few extra hours tomorrow.  And I have some more time to work on my self
  4. My roommate came back in yesterday, who I'm very close to.  Feels good to have a close friend around again.

Well, there's 4 anyways.  I'm 8 days away from 60...I believe I can do it.  Feels pretty good, 2 months away from gaming.  Feel like I've come a long ways since then, but still have a long ways to go too

 

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Day 55

Stayed up late last night watching Youtube...which wasn't Twitch or gaming, but it had a similar effect.  Me having my eyes glued to a screen for 3 hours, frantically clicking on next video after next video.  Next thing I know it's 2 a.m. and I've deprived myself of sleep for the beginning of the work week.

I also reached out to my ex-gf today.  It's a long story, but I've told her multiple times I wouldn't do that anymore.  In fact, she may have blocked me this time.  I don't think I will truly heal from that unless I start making new connections and make myself vulnerable in new ways.

I feel like I've been living in my own mind a lot lately, and that's not a good thing.  I'm lacking connection.  I have a few opportunities this week, I should go for it

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On 3/17/2018 at 0:00 AM, BigOlBeartic said:

yas go for it!! whenver i'm in my house too long, I feel like that and that I need to get out. i usualyl go to a cafe or campus.

Thanks @BigOlBeartic

Yeah...this last weekend was pretty good b/c I did get out of the house in that I spent a lot of time with my family at my Mom's house.  But, still need to work on doing other things, too, besides just family stuff

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Day 63

Yes, I made it past 60 days, which was a big goal for me. 

This weekend was somewhat challenging.  I spent some time with an old buddy, as well as with my brother, who I both grew up with gaming.  It would have been a good chance for me to get back into an old game for old times' sake.  If I would have suggested a game, I'm pretty sure they would have agreed, and it'd be fun at first, but it could also trigger me to dive into something more.  So I never mentioned it.  We found alternatives to do.  March Madness/College Basketball was going on this weekend, and I really enjoyed watching some of that, including with them.  Yes, my role is a spectator and it's not as beneficial as me actually doing things, but hey, I don't see anything wrong with relaxing and watching some sports from time to time.  Sometimes it inspires me.

I did have a conversation with my brother one night, about games.  He was playing a game on his phone while we were outside on the porch having a beer.  It's sort of weird to me - I couldn't be totally honest with him.  Instead of sharing with him that I've made a commitment to not game anymore...I downplayed it, and we talked about what our favorite games growing up were, and what we've played lately.  I think it bugs me that I couldn't just be honest with him and tell him about this site, and how gaming has been a negative influence on me.  Maybe once I'm further down this road, I can have another talk with him at some point about it.

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Day 71

Today has been more challenging than I've had in a while.  I feel crappy today.  Not physically sick, but sort of a heavy feeling in my pit, like my soul is dampened.

I've chose to spend a ton of time over of the last few weeks doing passive things, especially watching media.  I've had limited connections outside of work, family, and roommates.  I have not tried to connect socially other than that.

I texted in to work today.  I hate that feeling.  It's one thing if it's a planned PTO day, or if I'm legitimately sick, but it's another if I just decide the morning of that I'm not feeling it.  And these are the days that I'm especially susceptible to watching Twitch or finding a gamer I want to watch. 

Haven't done it though.  I've not been doing well with porn and my lack of connectivity, but I know that if I fell into Twitch, it could lead to an even worse state.

I will go to work tomorrow, and I will knock some things out.

If I can take a walk, read, and meditate/pray today, I think that'd be a step in the right direction

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2 hours ago, dwalk77 said:

Day 71

Today has been more challenging than I've had in a while.  I feel crappy today.  Not physically sick, but sort of a heavy feeling in my pit, like my soul is dampened.

I've chose to spend a ton of time over of the last few weeks doing passive things, especially watching media.  I've had limited connections outside of work, family, and roommates.  I have not tried to connect socially other than that.

I texted in to work today.  I hate that feeling.  It's one thing if it's a planned PTO day, or if I'm legitimately sick, but it's another if I just decide the morning of that I'm not feeling it.  And these are the days that I'm especially susceptible to watching Twitch or finding a gamer I want to watch. 

Haven't done it though.  I've not been doing well with porn and my lack of connectivity, but I know that if I fell into Twitch, it could lead to an even worse state.

I will go to work tomorrow, and I will knock some things out.

If I can take a walk, read, and meditate/pray today, I think that'd be a step in the right direction

Don't give up.  Hang in there.  Get out of the house and take that walk.  You're at Day 71, wow! 

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Day 75

Closing in on 90 days.  This weekend was pretty good.  I spent some time with my roommates and friends.  My roommates and I are Catholic so it was nice to be able to observe Good Friday and Easter together..  Friday and Saturday I was busy enough to not even have much time to fall into selfish stuff.  Today is more relaxed.  More media today, but I'm okay with it.

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On 4/1/2018 at 3:44 PM, dwalk77 said:

Day 75

Closing in on 90 days.  This weekend was pretty good.  I spent some time with my roommates and friends.  My roommates and I are Catholic so it was nice to be able to observe Good Friday and Easter together..  Friday and Saturday I was busy enough to not even have much time to fall into selfish stuff.  Today is more relaxed.  More media today, but I'm okay with it.

Cheers, @dwalk77.  :)  Sounds like a nice relaxing time.  Day 75...wow , keep it going strong. 

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Day 78

Today feels a bit different.  I feel more focused.  I think one of my roommates is rubbing off on me, in a good way.  I'm going to go to a support group tomorrow, which I've put off for months.  I will go.

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Day 83

I did watch a movie this weekend with a friend that was somewhat triggering.  It wasn't what we were originally intending to see.  It turned out to be decent, but it had a virtual reality/gaming theme throughout it, and there was a reference to Twitch and Walkthroughs, which is what my primary weakness has been more recently in my life.  After the movie, it was on my mind to pull up some of my old "Twitch buddies" (who in reality have no idea who I am), and see what they're up to.  I didn't.  It's not going to make me feel any better.

The weekend was good.  Within 3 days I went to 2 support group meetings.  No, it's not easy or comfortable.  But I've tried it the other way, living to be able to coast...and look where it got me...broken, in a worse state than I was before.  Coasting/numbing out...it has it's moments of excitement and elation...but it's not enough.  It's not fulfilling

I'd like to go to a church group tonight.  Again, not easy, but just give it a chance.  Be cool, observe.  There's no need to get worked up about it.

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Day 88

No strong temptations to game lately.  I've been to 4 support groups in the last 9 days.  It's working.  It's keeping me busy, and there's no substitute for being around other people with the same struggles.

I will say I went to happy hour with some friends after work yesterday, which was fun and disappointing at the same time.  Beforehand, I said I'd have 2 drinks.  I ended up having about 12.  I don't know what to do about alcohol.  It's a conundrum because I like it and it's fun, but it's also led me to a path of destruction several times.  Fortunately, last night, those 12 drinks were spread out over about 10 hours, so I was nursing them...but still...the point is I had a goal and I overshot the shit out of it.  I don't want to give up alcohol entirely, but I also don't want to continue to put myself at risk for doing stupid things.  If anyone has any suggestions or personal experience with dealing with that, I'd certainly appreciate it.

 

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Day 90

Made it through the weekend.  I was a bit bored at times, Saturday and Sunday I spent at least 90% of my time in my house.  A few thoughts of "Gaming would really kill some time", but when I thought about how slippery a slope that is, it wasn't as appealing.  A few hours into a game, and suddenly I could be spending 10 hours in a day on it, sacrificing my sleep, adding to stress, and even causing me to miss work the next day.

I did end up reading a lot, which I think is a good thing.  I've managed to be free of porn for about 2 weeks now.  I don't think I'd be able to do that if I was still entrenched in gaming.

Oh yeah, and 90 days! Thanks to everyone here!

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I posted this on the Celebrate page as well, but thought it was worth posting here in my journal too:

90 Day Review

What I noticed/learned:

  • Actually permanently deleting my Steam account was a massive boost.  Knowing all the games I had on there were gone forever was ultimately a relief and a weight off my shoulders. If I was tempted to game, not having a steam account was a noticeable barrier.
  • Reading Re-Spawn was a great way to start.  As well as reading others' posts on here and keeping a journal.  Journaling daily, especially at the start, was important.
  • Ditching my laptop was also key.  Having my desktop stationed in the living room as opposed to my bedroom decreased my desire to game.
  • Keeping a calendar and a to-do list are very important.  I now have a weekly dry-erase calendar - I like to look at the upcoming week and plot a few things on there.  If I've got nothing to look forward to, it's much easier to fall into despair and making some poor decisions.
  • Weekends are the biggest challenges, this is when I have large blocks of free time.  It's helpful to journal out possible things to do that day on those mornings.
  • I've been more loose and open to connecting with other people.  A great example is my roommates.  Before, when I was gaming, I tensed up when they were around, I didn't want them there so I good enjoy my game in solitude.  But now, I'm much more welcoming of the company
  • I read more.  Over the last 3 months, I think I read at least 200 pages a month, which was much more than the preceding months
  • I went to work more.  In the past, there have been days when I've missed work so I could binge on a game for another day.  0% chance of that happening if I haven't been gaming.
  • It did get easier, and as it got easier, I was able to put more focus on other challenges and goals.
  • When I began cutting out gaming, there is some evidence that the addiction "switched over" to other things.  I would drink more, binge on television, and watch more porn.  It's important for me to be aware of when this happens and actually work recovery rather than allow myself to give in to other things that aren't healthy for me.  My recovery especially involves giving it over to my higher power and connecting with others). 

What's next:

  • After completing the detox, I have no plans to go back to gaming or watching Twitch.  There have been too many benefits of not doing it, and too many poor consequences in the past of when I was doing it. 
  • I will experience urges from time to time, it's just part of being human. 
  • There may be some times when I'm hanging out with some friends or family and they're playing a multiplayer game.  In those situations, I'll need to assess the situation and how I'm feeling before I dive in.  In some of those situations, I think it's okay for me to game.  In others, it's better for me to pass.  Playing a light game for an hour or 2 is much different than playing a more intense game for 6 hours straight into the wee hours of the morning. 
  • My next goal is 180 days.  I will continue to post on here once every week or 2, read others' journals, and welcome newcomers.  This site is a wonderful reminder of why I chose to quit. 
  • Now that my cravings for gaming seem to be more under control, I'd like to focus more of my willpower on giving up porn. This is the other addiction that has been with me since I was a boy.   Other goals include getting fit and getting more involved with my church.  All this, of course, means getting out of my house more.
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Day 102

I've had a couple friends mention how awesome a certain game that was recently released is.  I don't have much of a desire to actually play it, but there is a temptation to watch it being played online, or even watch a trailer for the game.  I haven't done any of that.  I'm very thankful I'm now aware that something as innocent-seeming as that can lead me down a road of self-destruction.  It can compromise my ability to make good decisions.

Something happened to me early last week...I won't get into too many details, but I'll say it involved law enforcement, I strongly feel I was wrongfully accused, and I've had some intense negative emotions about it, including stress, resentment, and fear.  Thankfully, I've checked in with my boss about it and my job is not in jeopardy.  If I was in another line of work, this might not be the case.  This isn't over, and this will likely take weeks, even months to resolve.  I meet with my attorney in a few days to review the case, and I'm hoping to have a much better idea what to expect going forward.  I'm really hoping this charge will get dropped, but I don't know at this point.

I just have to take it one day at a time, and distract myself with good things.  I checked all this in with my sponsor a few days ago, and he pointed out that maybe I didn't do anything wrong...this is an opportunity for me to get closer to God.

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Day 110

I actually experienced a feeling yesterday I haven't felt in a while.  I was thinking of laying around and watching TV, maybe taking a nap, basically doing nothing at my house, but instead I decided to go to mass with my roommate.  After I made that decision...I just felt better, like more energy, more happiness, more focused, more of a desire...it just felt good.  I think I earned that.  This time away from gaming and porn facilitated that.  Maybe...I don't know.  Anyways, I'm grateful I experienced that.

I get to pay a debt off tomorrow, which will be a weight off my shoulders.  Unfortunately though, it won't be as uplifting as I had envisioned due to these recent developments of me getting an attorney.  But...I can't control everything. 

Gaming temptation has been relatively low.  Sometimes I get urges to type something in google out of "curiosity", but I'm becoming more aware that it wouldn't be that helpful to me, and it takes me one step closer to watching a stream or playing.

I really want to get 90 days free of porn.  If I can do it with gaming, I can do it with that.

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