BigOlBeartic's Journal

[16030669g 64]

I am here rooting for you. I know you must be feeling difficult right now. But hang in there!! There are many people (including me) was also thriving through their detox journey. I believe everything will become better and better if we can persevere! Persistence is victory!

[Guest]

@Natelovesboardgames @16030669g, thank you for the kind words. Nate, this time, I just talked to someone for 2 hours. previous times, I read manga or watched shows the whole day when it was particularly bad, which did help. The two relapses when I was feeling particularly bad, I just dove straight into it, just as I did in this third relapse. I don't know what to do in those moments.

 

Thursday

Unprecedented double relapse, and I was really dreading coming to post this, but as much as I hate to, i know i have to figure out the cause and fight it, fast, before my summer is gone.

its clear the gaming detox during school and vacation are two completely different beasts.main thought. . i'm in the house too long. the only times i've gone out really is for swimming. while I've gotten studying done, clearly it is not very good for my psyche and was conducive in leading up to the relapse. What occured to me this - get out of the house as much as you can to study- when you're panicking about to relapse- don't even think about it, just drive around if you have to and enjoy the road. i'm thinking being around other people will help.

hopefully these steps will give me the strength I need during the summer.

In less serious news, I re-read the first book of the bartimaeus trilogy tonight =)

Edited May 11, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Sunday

No gaming day 3

No porn day 3

Things have been going well, haven't uploaded because I've been focused on enjoying my summer break :) Something I've realized is outside influences seem to have shaped me much more than i thought. Been trying to reach bank into that happy and carefree place while I have time ^_^

[Guest]

i keep relapsing this week...

[Guest]

Hey, thanks @JustTom. Needed that encouragement.

 

Monday S7

Tuesday S1

Starting over at Day 1.

I saw call me by your name a couple days ago really enjoyed it. Summer class at a community college starts today.

I've been studying over break but as tom said, being out of the house definitely helps me already. Gonna go back to tracking and counting stuff =)

only posting sporadically was definitely a mistake, because regular posts helped me. anyhoo, here we go again woot.

 

[Guest]

Day 3

good day, went to the art museum  + class. also got some drawing done. i'm overcoming the anxiety i had about it yall.

[Guest]

Day 4

long/rough day, but its overrrr! drew, got stuff done. cooked a little. programming stuff is going well. i also went out to the park with the doggie :) BTW.. ONE OF HIS PICTURES.. is the creepiest thing i've EVER seen. There's a picture my sister got of him sniffing a flower, and he's looking straight into the camera and smiling. i know this sounds like a strange thing to find scary, but there's a story called "smiledog.jpg" or something like that.. google it and read it! I dare you.

[Guest]

Day 7

[info-gatherer 404]

10 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

Day 7

Let’s go! 1 week in!

[Guest]

I relapsed yesterday night from a stressful situation again, the driving trick didn't work. its easy once i get on a roll but when i run into these situations i tend to go back. idk what else to do except try again. when i'm in those situations I feel paralyzed. ok ..well, day 1.

[Guest]

Day 8

Great week, probably best week of the summer. put in a consistent 6->8 hours of study each day. kinda tired at the end of such a day though and unsure what to do with myself. I stopped swimming btw. Art is fine and dandy but not down with it for every single day. so yea..

[WorkInProgress 1,804]

Hey there. Great to see how you stand up again and again. It is hard not to rely on old habits if your not busy and old triggers come up. I. E. I you feel bored or stressed. Be aware of the situations and feelings which let you relapse. After some repetitions you will recognize the same situations as they happen and this enables you to train yourself to a different reaction.

For me personally the gamechanger was getting a full time job which made establishing a daily recurring routine much easier. I just had so less free time that I suddenly became very conscious about how and with whom I wanted to spend it. Not gaming was suddenly easy. It seems kind of depressing to have so little choices over the day but I actually feel way better with a boring recurring routine. I would never believed to be so happy with it if someone told me before. 

[Cam Adair 5,108]

On 6/9/2018 at 8:00 PM, BigOlBeartic said:

Day 8

Great week, probably best week of the summer. put in a consistent 6->8 hours of study each day. kinda tired at the end of such a day though and unsure what to do with myself. I stopped swimming btw. Art is fine and dandy but not down with it for every single day. so yea..

Great job!

[Guest]

I talked to a therapist recently, and I came to the conclusion that I may be transgender. Talking to them about it, it just seemed to make sense. I plan to see a gender therapist this semester.

My internship/co-op in the fall went great! I learned a lot about programming and received a good rating from my supervisor. I'm going back this summer. This semester I'm taking 18 hours which is the most I've ever taken lol. Also I put in some apps for some part times. 

During breaks (last christmas some of last summer after i stopped posting) gaming came up again. However, I feel a lot more @ peace these days since having seen that therapist and understanding myself more- im confident I can finally tackle 90 days. I haven't gamed for a bit but I'm going to start today as day 1. 

[info-gatherer 404]

❤️

[Guest]

Day 13 ? 

Late night studying tonite ;3 bad time management FTW!

Edited February 6, 2019 by Guest

[Guest]

Starting over ? Day 1. 

Edit: This semester has been extremely rough. My grades are all A's as of now. But Today i'm starting over b/c I went back to gaming - again - as a crutch. I saw a good therapist last Friday. I'm sure I have severe depression at this point. And loneliness. That leads me to feel detatched from everything and not believe in myself. I've already thought about suicide multiple times this past few weeks, and dropping out of college as well. I've lost all faith in myself recently. It makes me extremely sad to type this out. 

Edited March 20, 2019 by Guest

[Guest]

Day 2

 

1) Yesterday I connected with people from my class more to fight against that feeling of loneliness. Brought my social media back (ig) and followed some people I look up to from class. 

2) i meditated. talking with my therapist has helped me see I am always holding on to my past and what ifs, regarding my desire to pursue art. Meditating helped me see that I've come so far and I'm almost done with college (2 semesters away from finishing)- I need to finish. I will have many more doors open to me with a Bachelors in Comp Sci. 

3) I set a new resolution - art 1h, programming 1h a day. This should help me because I'm always thinking about the past and what ifs. Well, I'm not actually acting upon one of my goals- the art thing. And with this resolution , I will be.  

Jk, I feel like shit after drawing an hour. so screw that. 

 

Edited March 21, 2019 by Guest

[Guest]

Day 3

Test in C++ today, did SWIMMINGLEH. In Stats, the average for our 2nd test was 63 X_X RIPRIPRIP. I got an 82. 
Didn't meditate this morn, will do when I get home.

[Guest]

Day 4. 
Weekends are always the toughest.

[Guest]

Day 5

I played some flash games online briefly, 

I talked to my mom about how I feel about college. I have trouble feeling anything anymore. 

I'm gonna try to leave the house early as possible in the mornings to try and get productive stuff done and hopefully change my thought patterns. Oh, I drew as well and hated it

Edited March 24, 2019 by Guest

[Guest]

Day 6

Woke up, meditated. Changed my signature on here.

Honestly, I don't want to think about art or any extracurricular like that anymore, besides exercise. 

I hate art, i hate art, i hate art. Its just turned into a procrastination method. I HATE ART! E.E just trying to drill it into myself.

i hate art i hate art i hate art i hate art i hate art i hate art.

Update:

As time goes on I suppose I"ve lost perspective on how great the position I'm in truly is- college wise. I hate how hard i've been on myself and others around me. 

I read a post on reddit about dropping out of college and it helped renew my perspective.  https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1qjya2/how_has_dropping_out_of_hscollege_to_pursue_your/

Some things I read: 

- If I can't manage time now with studying and "making art" or whatever the hobby is, I will have even less time with working low wage jobs and trying to make ends meet. 

- People who make this work have good time management skills, and can definitely make it work while in college. 

 

Finish section 3.1 statistics.  (do out of class)

Get halfway through C++ project. (do in class)  done

Get 1/3 of algorithms hwk done.  (do out of class)

Go to gym if you get time!

 

Edited March 25, 2019 by Guest

[Guest]

Day 8 wowee

I've been connecting with colleagues in class more which is really helping me. 

Went to gym today!

Edited March 28, 2019 by Guest

[Guest]

Day 13

Two tests this tuesday, things have been getting better with my confidence. I made a new friend in school who I look up to and went to a social dinner this saturday. I have two tests on tuesday though. =( 

[Guest]

Day 15 

Tests were easy. Therapy has helped me a lot. I havent watched porn in a while, i've been going to the gym regularly, physical therapy has been going good as well. Also, I've made plans to study / hangout with people in class which have gone well.