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BigOlBeartic

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@info-gathererGlad my journal has helped in some way :) Congratulations on taking this step! It will definitely pay off and you should see a big difference in your thought process slowly. Gaming comes up less and less and eventually it virtually dissapears and more important thoughts start filling up your mind like school/exercise/ all that good life stuff.

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So how are you doing? I want to add to what @WorkInProgress said, best not to be too hard on yourself because slow and steady does indeed win the race. True, discipline is a sorely lacked virtue in today's society, but you've gotta play it smart too, give yourself breaks and recharge those batteries. Atleast in my experience, periods of intense effort and productivity were always followed by periods of intense slacking and unproductivity, so balance, self-love and self-forgiveness are key. I needed to find that sweet spot of how much change and growth I could stomach within a week without backlashing.

On 1/21/2018 at 6:28 AM, BigOlBeartic said:

my mind adrift in between tasks, maybe its b/c i'm off gaming that I notice this more. And little bits of time add up to an hour to an hour and a half that slip through everyday. That is a LOT of time when I add it up all together. I'm going to try to stay more focused in between tasks and do my best to be aware of the time that I have, and make sure I use it to the fullest, even if I'm just doing something to enjoy, like taking a walk. That's better than just letting it slip by letting my mind wander back and forth through random thoughts like what-ifs.

Eh, similar thing here. Trying to control your mind is a futile battle and a waste of energy, the more effective approach is simply disidentifying (That thought is not me, that thought is not me) from the thought stream and letting them flow in and out of experience like a river, with no resistance, and they will cease to be a problem whatsoever.

Take care!

 

 

 

 

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@info-gatherer  @thehondasc00pyThanks very much for the checkup and the advice. So sorry, i forgot to answer 'how are you' x_x I guess I can be a little hard on myself sometimes. What you say about detatching sounds similar to what the headspace dude says all the time, sometimes I get too caught up in my thoughts and I am nowhere near being aple to detatch  myself so simply like that. Hopefully I will be able to eventually do that. Do you have any advice how to do that better? ALso, do you happen to have advice on how to not crash in the afternoon? Im eating healthy, its probably cuz ive had less consistent sleep this week. Maybe once I start getting enough again itll stop being a problem.

9th day clean I think. Our neighbor died from brain hemorrhage and we're going to his funeral tomorrow. He was in his 70's. He was a nice guy from what I could tell. His wife scares me and we have to his whole family tomorrow at the funeral. Im going out of respsect, even though I didnt know him too well.

 Today  I got home at 3:30, ate and it was 4. I was supposed to take a break till 6 @ the most then get back to my studying. I was so tired though.  I forgot about my desk napping goal whenever I got tired. Its whatever, Ive worked so hard and made a lot of progress this week so Im willing to let it slide. Ive been way too lenient on my bedtime though. So now that the second week is starting, I aim to bring that back to the forefront.. New/ kinda positive thing today: I talked to an old friend at college. Idk , I don't really have a lot of friends. Cuz I always gamed a lot. I enjoy working together in groups and joining societies like the honor society and programmign club to better myself, but friends? I feel drained, I dont usually talk to ppl like that, not bc I dont want to, Im just genuinely not interested e_e. She asked to workout together and outside i was like "okay " and inside I was thinking" eeehhhhhhh.mmmmm..... i dont want to x_x" I was always so alone in school I dnot really have faith in friends anymore, but I am comfortable with ithe fact that its just how I grew up from moving aroudn a lot and have learned to be comfortable with myself. I enjoy people, but usualy only when working on something with em.

Thats it for today! Imma clean my room and study Edit: ok jk im going to sleep, I need the rest from neglecting to sleep on time this week. Sorry for the typos, Tiireeeddddd...Oh yea and big events next week im learning unity on monday during the second meeting of the programming club, first meeting of our team. Its going to be a crash course sort of thing. Internship thingy meeting monday.

 

Met goals Semi Cold SHowers, 50 min study sessions, undistracted morning , successfully stayed away from those small mobile games in addition to everything else, and its BEEN OVER A WEEK! I need to let this sink in and be proud of myself :) Very thankful to everyone here for helping me!

New Goals for the second week Follow a regular bed time, desk naps when tired, give feedback on at least 3 journals a week

Edited by BigOlBeartic

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This next post might be a bit much I feel I should post it before I sign off because its been affecting me, If you're reading this and yourse sensitive to sad stuff, I would say skip this. My dad's back home, and thigns are a little tense. I try to keep my distance from him as he's always so negative. He tries to connet w me sometimes but I cant take him seriously. I know im decreasing the chance for us to have a real relationship in the future, but like I said I can't take him seriously. Back when I was harming myself and on depression meds he never once talked to me about how I was feeling. My sister has also tearfully accused him of molesting her when she was a child and he didn't even say "i didn't do it" he just said "how dare youa ccuse me of this" multiple times. You know how it gets in family arguments, eventually i was asking him why he didnt just say he didnt do it, he just kept giving out angry statements. I noticed ive been a bit distant from my parents ever since I stopped gaming.

Later we learn that he has also been through depression and suicidal thoughts from mom, but he never takes our advice to meditate/get therapy (even though its fucking free under our insurance). I stopped trying to give him adivce. He takes our advice like its a joke b/c we're young. He's accomplished a lot in his life moving from a farm in a third world country to here, so he's very centered, I guess he had to be to make this far. Maybe thats why he refused our help. But im tired of trying to help him and give him advice which is why i have changed from trying to talk to him to just trying to work on myself. Im also talking to my mom less eh .  As with everyone else, theres a complicated realtionship between my parents and my sister and I so this paragraph doesnt really do well to give the full pic.

I also do want to say I know its a bit too much and im 20 years old lol so maybe i shouldnt still be feeling so strongly about this  Sorry for all the younger kids reading this lol :I
Anyway this journal has really helped me get my emotions out. Its a lot different than when I used to keep a paper journal b/c others are reading this one nad giving their thoughts.. this is helping me a lot more and helping me to put negative things behind me and move on quicker than I would just writing this down on paper. Its kind of like a group therapy session. I know Ive been inactive on the part of reading and giving feedback on others' journals this week, Im really sorry about that. I will definitely try to pick that up next week too.

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Family is the people we grow up and learn from, and it's lives way of showing what we should aspire, and not aspire to be.It sounds like you made your decision, just make sure it's the one you want.

This is just my advice with, dealing with people, is to be open and honest with them. I'm not saying that you can't lie about anything, but even though the truth might hurt and be confrontational, people will always respect you more if you tell them the truth. It kinda sounds like in your first post you didn't personally want to go workout with your friend, but just kinda accepted it. 

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I always had (and sometimes still have) a similar problem with my father. It’s just that he’s always been a strong and authoritarian figure, always telling me what to do, what not to do, screaming in my face every day. I remember when I was a child promising myself I would hate him forever. Then I learned acceptance and forgiveness. I remember one other time, I was probably 14, he asked me: “I noticed you don’t talk to me, you don’t like me. Is there a way we can fix this?” I told him no, and after that I could feel something cracked into him. He didn’t care anymore as much about me. He was resentful. We never talked about that again. Anyway, I’m telling you this bc I know the feeling of embarassment/guilt that comes with being in the same room with my dad and trying to have a conversation and finding out that we have nothing to say to each other. In the end parents aren’t just parents, but people, too, with their needs and their feelings, and even if they’re more experienced, they still can be difficult at times. Well I tried to give advice but it looks like I’m pretty bad on this topic. P.S. my day also suffering from depression (more precisely anxiety / panic attacks / screaming while sleeping).

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Hey don't be sorry if you don't feel like commenting somewhere else. This side is for you. This is your journal. It is cool if you want to help others and comment on their pages but it is also cool if you don't. This is the nice thing about beeing a part of this community. Do what is good for you and people will not be hurt. Your only responsibility here is your own detox.

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Thank you everyone for the feedback! I really appreciate it. I was feeling a little guilty dumping all that heavy stuff into a public journal. @info-gathererThank you so much for sharing that. It helps me so much every time I see someone has a similar story. About my dad I do want to say that I dont hate him - I get tense and uncomfortable around him because of events and confrontations Ive experienced throughout my childhood. Because he's a lot of the time the center of these kind of events I guess my brain has associated him with tense situations like that. From time to time I put forth an effort to get to know him better, but it always ends pretty fast. I think I've forgotten that he's human too and that he will not be here one day, and maybe I should try to forge a connection with him instead of remember all the bad times, try to make some good ones.

Even though I can't forgive for the things he's done, I have said some inexcusable things to him. Thank you, your sharing has really inspired me. I will put forth an effort with my parents and try to repair the connection.

 

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Saturday 

Reading the feedback on my previous post really helped, thanks everyone.

Today I thought.. why the heck not get into running again now that I've tackled a week of no games? I experienced sever post-workout blues, I forgot that I used to get those b/c its been so long.. I'm not sure what to do about it. I posted a question on reddit and I am planning to get my testosterone levels checked.

I might see my psychiatrist but I don't want to mess up my performance in university because of the possibility of getting some medication thats not fit for me.. but now that I say that I don't know if I ever will have time just to test out the effects of psychiatric medication, because of the 4 week adjustment period. Maybe if I ever go on a vacation one day, or maybe during Christmas break. But seeing a psychiatrist is definitely on hold. I may see a counselor/therapist, as its free under my insurance.

Finally, on a positive note, I still went to work, still looking forward to programming meeting on monday, and, the tv in my room is officially shipped off. =)) That feels great. The postworkout blues are still here, but judging by my past workout history, they will fade by mid-day or end of day tomorrow. I don't plan to workout again until I get this issue resolved.. it was very severe. Despite all the heavy stuff thats happened this weekend with the funeral, with my dad, with this post-workout blues im experiencing, i'm looking forward to sleeping tonight and kicking the new week off on a positive note!! I am still proud of myself for the great progress I've made, and facing my problems, bringing them to the light - instead of hiding from them. Most of all, thank you for this website , to cam, to all the active members!! =)

Met goals: Semi cold shower

New goals: (Long term: ) Put forth an effort to reforge connection with parents. I've been hiding from the issues too long, and want to make this a happier home.

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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Sunday Day 10? Still going strong on the no gaming front.

Good day, still feeling that abnormal post workout blues from yesterday... really, its too much for it to last this long.

Co-op meeting is tomorrow! Looking forward to that. Think I'll take out the met goals and put into my schedule journal in excel. I'll still put new goals in these journals though. Goodnight everyone :)

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Monday, Day 11

Great day! The workout blues have finally faded and I'm feeling much better. Havent made that medical appt yet... I'll try to do that by wednesday

Went to my co-op meeting, went to my programming meeting! Started to learn unity, I will say I am struggling very much to interact with new people outside of an assignment/studying. Thats it for today :)  Goodnight!

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I'm glad you're making progress. Remember mate - one day at a time. :) It's like putting a brick to create a wall between you and video games :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Tuesday Day 12

Went to see my advisor about a co-op schedule for the summer. Also went to a job fair, found 2 good internship opportunities in case I don't get the co-op. Already applied to 1 and will apply to the second 1 tomorrow. Then went to work, then I went home and tried to learn about generic types in Java. Very productive day, but was kind of overwhelming. . I feel inadequate in college sometimes when I take too long in assignments or stuff like that, but apparently a lot of people feel like that. Trying to get closer to my parents is working well.

 

Wednesday Day 13

Ok day so far. Woke up late :I...Had trouble sleeping last night b/c I was doing stuff all day till 11 PM so I felt I couldn't go to sleep without a little break. So I watched super deluxe and the full Kanye West interview on ellen... I wonder if he really will be considered a genius after he dies? I think he'll have to release a couple more albums that make a bigger impact than his previous ones. Also, the Flu's going around...

I played 15 minutes of pokemon showdown on my phone..  felt like I needed an escape from all these responsibilities. AH D: How to avoid it in the future: watch a video on your laptop instead

New Goal: get better at communication with others. express thoughts concisely

 

Edited by BigOlBeartic

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Thursday Day 14

Horrible, horrible day. I didn't volunteer today. I usualy volunteer on thursdays. I got on a bus at 4:10 but it took too long. By the time it arrived at the volunteering center it was already 4:40 and I volunteer from 4 - 5. So I just stayed on for the loop back to campus. I'm home now and its about to be 6:30. There goes 2 hours of my life.

Im so exhausted. This detox started off great but I'm feeling really worn down and on the verge of tears. I feel like I'm trying too much to be this perfect person that I'm not. I feel like i'm going too far too fast. This stupid haircut I think was part of that. All my old doubts are coming back right now. I'm puting volunteering on hold. At least I haven't gamed?

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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Update: Chilled on my bed and cleaned my room which helped a lot. Cleaning up all the clutter made me feel calmer. After a little thinking: I think I'm not eating enough in the morning which causes me to get worn down easier later in the day. So I need to make sure I have a healthy breakfast before I head out. and new goal: having loose plan for the next day

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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Hey mate. You’re not going too fast, you’re doing perfectly. When I read your entries I am amazed by the way you implement good habits in your life every 2 days. Not everyone can do that. And yes, you can be a very different person from your gaming self. Will this new person be perfect? Probably not, but nobody is as well :)

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Officially adding no masturbation to my goals along w no gaming. Also, seeing a public speech in class made me inspired to start a general routine in the morning. The speaker said it helps them get in a goodmindset in the morning and it leads to accomplishing goals throughout the day. I don't really have a set routine right now for the morning. @info-gatherer thanks friend. I need to take this thing one day at a time and not get too caught up in little things.

Edited by BigOlBeartic

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What’s wrong with masturbation? I’m just curious, since I see a lot of people mentioning it. I understand that porn can be a problem, but masturbation doesn’t necessarily have to do with porn. Can you explain?

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3 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

What’s wrong with masturbation? I’m just curious, since I see a lot of people mentioning it. I understand that porn can be a problem, but masturbation doesn’t necessarily have to do with porn. Can you explain?

Yep, from what I've read its about dopamine. Just like gaming messed up your dopamine regulation: because you got instant gratification and false feeling of progress. You come to rely on that as a crutch kind of. And you begin to see less joy in the world b/c you get more stimulation from gaming than the real world. Well, I think its a similar idea: instant gratification and dopamine is coming from masturbation in this case. I dont think its as serious as gaming addiction most of the time, although it can have a noticeable impact on your life.

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Day 15, 16

Good weekend. Worked, studied, did homework.

Looking back, I think this week was low and tumultuous because I was settling into the non-gaming resolve. The first week was a high, which I think is what helped me get things done for the most part. So the third week, I should go back up to a 'normal' level.

Making sure I eat and drink when necessary, reminds me I'm not superhuman and I do need fuel or I will crash miserably lol.  and being out of my room has helped a lot. And study wise- doing good again, just starting on my assignments for 5 minutes puts me on a roll.

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On 2/5/2018 at 2:29 AM, BigOlBeartic said:

Looking back, I think this week was low and tumultuous because I was settling into the non-gaming resolve. The first week was a high, which I think is what helped me get things done for the most part. So the third week, I should go back up to a 'normal' level.

Yup, completely normal. Like I said, find the sweet spot in how much change your system can stomach without backlashing. Highs come and go, but what is indefinitely sustainable?

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Day 17, 18, 19

Things are going very very well. :)I think i found the root of my post workout exhaustion: not enough calories. Lately I've been making sure to put no restriction on myself when I'm hungry. This came about because I noticed that I used to stop myself in fear of being 'fat'. I hadn't really noticed this before, but now that Im in a better place im thinking more about my health and noticed this. Anyway, I'm eating whenever I get hungry and lol, im eating a LOT.

So, getting back into exercise as well. Going to the gym tomorrow w/ my friend :) Gonna do barbell squats and lower back extensions , calf raises and idk what else. My second public speech went ok. I'm signed up for co-op, and am lined up for 5 interviews on March 1st. Hopefully I get one.. if not, eh I just have to try not to beat myself up lol. But i'll cross that bridge when I get there. Oh, and I went running again on Tuesday, without a huge crash, which is how I know the stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph. (That day I ate w/o restrictions). I noticed my bones are hurting too, shin splints maybe? Googled it and said prob I need to strengthen my glutes, calves and core. Reason for gymming also. And also gonna start taking my vitamin d again. Yeee getting life back on track :^)

P.S thank you for the reassurance @thehondasc00py!

Edited by BigOlBeartic

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Imma stop counting b/c I still havent gamed and doubt i will. Great weekend filled w new experiences as I hit 21 ;)  and I'm still exercising! I still see it as a miracle that I haven't crashed, eating w/o hesitation really changed everything lol. The new thing I'm tryign to change is usually even on my most productive day 3H just slip by. (I still allow myself a break in the evening) And I know we all need a little extra break sometimes. I'm trying to cut the 3H down to at least 1.5H.  Hope everyone else is doing well! 1st week at the gym conclude btw, here's to new beginnings and hoping I can keep this up. Programming club is going well btw as well as courses. Have some tests next week :)

Edit: from today and thinking back, i realize this time slips by when I stay in my room, I can just shut the world away and relax forever in my room lol. So gonna try to stay outside my room from now when I come home and see how big of a difference it makes.

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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