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A little early for today, a little late for tomorrow. I'm going to make today's later, but I was too tired by the time I got home to write a journal yesterday.

Day 10

I.

Feel.

Awesome.

I may not have done any piano practice, but I did finish that scarf, and damn is it sweet. It took me the better part of the morning and the previous night, but it was totally worth it.

There's so much I could say about the dance, but at the least, I got to dance with a girl. That's the main highlight, anyway. Oh, and I helped out one of my friends with the same.

I'm just gonna knock out the goals:

Esteem: I didn't have a workout "today". At the ball I probably ate way too much, but that's fine as long as it's only the one day for a little while.

Music: No piano practice "today". I should have, but I spent much more time on other things, like that scarf, work, and going to the school dance.

Education: Also nothing, but if I can't call the day a success just because I wasn't working straight for my goals, then I guess I don't really want the goals that badly.

Relaxation: I feel like I'm in a much better place. I finished that scarf, went to the dance, and overall just got a lot of my worries out of the way. I feel much better, and I think I needed a day to just kick back and do whatever, since I can't just spend every day however I want to.

Anyway, I think that'll about do. I still have plenty of stuff to do for today, so I'm gonna go do that.

Oh, and 2nd page club!

Signing out,

J(e)RK

Edited by J(e)RK

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Day 11

Sometimes it feels like the days take forever, other times they just melt away. It feels like just yesterday that I was commenting on how it was day 5. Since then I have made even greater progress, and found myself new motivation. A new drive, even. Motivation may die down from time to time, but drive is always there. Anyway, the important thing is that I keep on going. Even earlier today I almost found myself at a loss for what to do, even before I had meditated and worked out. Overarching problem today was watching a ton of One Piece. I don't even think I enjoyed it a huge amount, anyway. I'm going to try to do better going forward.

Goal time:

Esteem: Good day for esteem. I didn't eat too much, I did my daily workout, which I re-arranged a bit, too. Doing push-ups straight into pull-ups is just really hard and doesn't amount to much more gain overall. Anyway, I'm feeling good, and I think I'm also beginning to realize the importance of how I dress. When I was dressed in my sweatpants and a crappy tee I don't feel like doing anything, but when I dress as fastidiously as I typically do, I feel like grinding through the work. I should experiment with this more.

Music: I didn't do too much, but I did work on a few harder songs. I could have done plenty more, but I couldn't focus. I have a lot on my mind today, so I figured I would let it rest and try not to be too mad at myself.

Education: I looked at my homework, anyway. Not a whole lot to do. I'm just gonna shove through it tomorrow as part of studying. Admittedly, I should have done it today, but I got really caught up in YouTube and Hulu again, and I need to break away again.

Relaxation: Pretty okay day overall so far as feeling good is concerned. I feel good so long as I'm doing something, anyway. I had some amount of enjoyment from watching TV, I guess, but I just felt guilty. I wish I had gotten myself to stop sooner. I'm not gonna regret it, anyway.

Oh, and because I liked this little idea I had for a motivational quote:

"Be prideful of your past,

Happy with your present,

And jealous of your future."

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Alright, well I may be no slouch, but 3 days is a bit much to make up for. I'm just gonna journal for today instead.

Day 14

I really needed to be journaling these last few days. I've begun to slip up quite a bit and need to refocus.

As far as the last few days are concerned, I watched a lot of anime and went back to locking my mornings into homework. I don't mind studying in the mornings, because I find it a very productive time, but I have plenty of time most nights to get stuff done for school. I think I've lost a lot of motivation after not journaling for the last few days, which is ironic considering how much I was thinking about how I really wanted to get other people to help me motivate myself. Anyway, the last few days have gone, well, not great. I found myself skipping journals because I've been petrified to talk about how much I've been thinking about this girl I go to school with, and I just feel like I'm out of my element. I've never thought of, well, anyone in this way before. Of course, I know that that's just young love or whatever the geezers call it these days, but either way I think it's been sapping me a little bit to think about it so much. I've been attempting to steel myself in order to ask the girl whether she feels the same way, but I just keep avoiding it. Either way, I need to do something because of all the things I am really good at, interacting with people and picking up on social cues are two things that I need to work on. So who knows, maybe I'll make myself do it tomorrow. Regardless, I have definitely been attempting to avoid the scenario, since I find myself watching One Piece and YouTube and working on random MTG decks a ton even when I know that I have other things to do. Just for a tad of context, I talk to this girl on a daily basis and have 2nd and 3rd periods with her.

So now that I got that out, I think I'm just gonna hit up the goals.

Esteem: Okay, well today wasn't great. Again, I stuck to 3 meals, but I was supposed to work out today and I just kinda skipped it. I ate far too much for dinner, and I don't think I'll be able to push through it today, so tomorrow morning it is. I hate sticking myself into corners like this. Otherwise, I think I've been doing a least a bit better on some fronts.

Music: I haven't gotten to it today. I need to practice for at least a little while, and I should do so soon after this journal. Not much else to say here.

Education: Well, I've been doing rather poorly recently. My escapism has affected me a ton. I remember thinking today in school that I should just focus on that, and that repeatedly I just keep thinking about how I need to do better. I'm getting there, anyway. I managed to make myself some much needed note cards and I should be getting to that again for some more Spanish words soon. I always hear my teachers talk about how easy things could be, and while they may be a bit unrealistic for the average person, that is one thing that I am not.

Relaxation: In case you couldn't tell, not great. I'm a bit on edge, but I'm thinking that this feeling may be the result of my skipping meditations for the last few days. I need to start hitting it again pretty hard tomorrow, and I'm gonna meditate a bit tonight, as well. I already finished the free stuff on Headspace, so I'm just kinda sitting around for a little while and calming myself down now when I need it for a few minutes. I actually did a tad bit yesterday after I got a 7/20 on a Civics pop quiz, and it helped calm me down a ton. I think the other reason I'm on edge is, obviously, my inability to actually talk to this girl. I constantly find myself thinking about how I need to wait until I can drive myself places, but I don't think that that's the answer here, since I'm not gonna make it that far and keep my schedule intact. Well, that is, unless I find some other coping mechanism.

So, overall, just feeling a ton more pumped for everything now that I'm back here. I'm gonna hit the ground running again after my last few days sleepwalking. Thanks for this opportunity, everyone.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Day 16

Today this feels just like I'm getting nagged forever.

Well, it's the end of the school week, and I didn't do anything about my attraction. Maybe I can escape from it for a while, but tomorrow i have a 4 hour long shift of lifeguarding, and I am definitely not going to be able to escape throughout that. I foresee lots of drainining coming on.

Overall, I'm not doing so hot. I can hardly interact with other people, and I feel like I need to escape to no end. I can't stop just doing a ton of purely recreational stuff, since that's all I can focus on. I think I've made a huge mistake.

Esteem: I'm doing okay. I need to get back on my workout schedule, but I'm gonna try and do some sort of weight lifting tomorrow and then I should be able to get back into it. I honestly don't think I'm going to need this site for much longer, because aside from the current situation with my kinda being unendingly infatuated and entirely unable to express it, I am almost entirely devoid of the wish to do anything related to video games.

Music: As seems to be the norm nowadays, I'm gonna do it after my journal. Not much else to say. Overall, music has been a pretty okay refuge against my own idiocy.

Education: I'm actually doing pretty good in school right now. I've been studying a lot recently, and I think some of that is just me trying to escape through my "job". Either way, it has been going pretty good in the school department.

Relaxation: Again, nothing really good here. I should be much better off, but I just can't seem to get over this feeling of dread I have, but as soon as I see my crush, I immediately start thinking about other stuff. It's entirely possible that that isn't the issue, and that I actually need some other sort of outlet, and that's why I can't tell her, but I honestly think that at the very least it would get one more thing off my mind. It can't hurt, right?

Anyway, as I stated in the esteem area, I'm probably just gonna drop in from time to time when I'm having above average troubles. I think that I'm doing pretty good on the book front. My card game is really coming together. I have the resources to pursue my fashion interests. I'm actively studying neuroscience and pursuing those interests. I'm working out more or less regularly and sticking to a 3 meal per day structure. I'm getting to play piano daily and studying my school subjects with ease. I suppose that once you start moving up Maslow's hierarchy, you're bound to run into some snags along the way that you just couldn't see from below. I suppose that makes sense, since it would be possible for someone without enough food to survive steals enough food to move up, but now they don't feel save because of an ensuing investigation that is increasingly zeroing in on him. I guess that's a really shitty example, but now that I'm above that stupid safety and am moving through the love and belonging area, I've hit a major red zone which has stopped me from propelling myself into esteem. Makes sense to me, anyway.

One thing is for sure, though, and that's that I don't feel belonging where I am right now. I may be hitting a stride, but it isn't mine and I don't have any desire to keep going indefinitely.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

Edited by J(e)RK

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Day 18

Well, I think two days ago me was a little bit annoyed. I'm in a better mental place now. I'm not even upset about what I wrote.

Although, I think it is important to discuss what was wrong. I was frustrated since lots of responsibilities were popping up on me, and, getting more than a little overwhelmed, ended up getting upset and I ran away from what I cared about and what I was supposed to do. It's a lot like what happened when I used to play video games. The only difference was that now it was anime and I could feel the problem. Once I had to stop watching, due to the pressing matter of a school project or the like, or just going to bed, I was immediately presented with a choice: Watch YouTube, or face my problems and insecurities. As is so common, I watched YouTube, putting me in a worse place overall.

So what has changed with my since then? Well, for one, I got back into listening to the audiobook I have of Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown, and it occurred to me that I have been hiding from my problems again. I have still been wrestling with anime, but I think I'm overall doing better. I'm planning on changing a few things in my daily and weekly structure, and hopefully that should help me get up and stay up.

Oh, and one last thing before the goals. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that my life has 3 good pillars for escaping: Art, Writing, and Music. No more, no less. I would consider art anything from drawing to personal fashion to presenting food in an interesting manner. Writing is going to be typically writing fiction novels, although I would count writing journal entries on here and my short little page-long writings on the world. I would also likely lump making Magic: the Gathering decks into that category. Lastly, music is really just about anything. It could be listening to singing to playing piano and anything else related to an instrument. This would be my preferred style of escaping, but we don't always get what we want.

Esteem: I've decided to restructure the workouts to be on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, with a weight lifting day on Sunday, which should hopefully be relatively easy. I've been sticking more or less to my 3 meals, and while it has been hard, it's been very doable. I haven't done my weight lifting yet today, but I'm thinking before dinner is a good time.

Music: I've been keeping more or less to my 30+ minutes per day. It's hard to get in some every day, especially recently with all the anime. That's okay. I'm gonna overcome this difficulty eventually, and until then, it just makes me a better player to get on it every day. As for other instruments, I've been struggling to figure out a good schedule. I'm thinking maybe some weekend time and in between homework. Getting in a few strums on the ukulele or guitar has never been too hard, anyway. I may be a bit too busy to make it a regular thing, except for in the mornings.

Education: I've also been doing okay here. I have a test tomorrow on the judicial branch, and I've worked up enough to be confident. I need to get a few AP Euro note cards done, but otherwise all the homework I have left this weekend is easy money. I also still have a project to work on, although that should only take a little time.

Relaxation: Much better now. I think the turning point for me was a drawing I made. Otherwise I think that the recent readings I've been doing have been beneficial. Once I actually talk to this girl about how I feel I should be significantly better.

Blah blah postlude I said everything before the goals. Happy now?

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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