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tirEdOrange

Phyxius

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Know those feels man. Best to cut the ropes and sail free if things are going that way. It's painful, but in the end you'll find someone more fitted to the man your becoming and will become. You're doing great and all those challenges and negative sensations you're experiencing, they'll pass if you give it patience and kindness. That orange's maturing bro!

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@HitaruThanks for the positive vibes man, really need that :)

Day 6

Yesterday has been a bummer, my mind was off-topic and I had hard times focusing, instead I had randon thoughts about everything. Today I woke up very early and go instantly to study. I gave myself an easy time and some extra time to distract myself from everything and now I'm more focussed on my goal. Guess I started to have doubts on whether I succeed or nlt and that threw me out of my focus but now I'm certain again.

I guess things like this will happdn regularly during the next time but well that's what happens if Life chooses for you to play on very hard.

I talked now with a couple of people about my break-up and tje reactions were all quite shocked and different, but every "valid" or experienced Opinion on it said that I will need to go through the 5 Stages of grief and especially through depression in order to achieve acceptance. What a bad time for this to happen but I think I got a solution for it: I will try to avoid depression until I wrote my exams by going through a routinated day and visiting my parents frequently. Depression can feel free to fully hit me mid february, until then I will work it off.

I feel good about taking a little break and wanna keep going right now, so that's what I'm gonna do now.

I'm thankful for preparing myself for this situation and for trying to adapt it in a way it benefits instead of completly destroying me.

(I'm a little scared about a Relapse (full or minor) happening in february but I think I would even accept it as long as I finish project exams. I think I will be ready to climb myself out of there then. Just keep going for now, future will tell what will happen.)

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Day 6.2

Gotta make a second entry today,.... Depression is kicking in.

I'm feeling between a wide array of feeling in one moment and then laying 4 hours straight on the couch doing nothing with the feeling that someone is sucking out my energy through my spine. It's so hard right now. I wish I could have avoided this for way longer or at least delay it but I guess you can't choose when depression kicks in,... ah fuck. I'm jumping from crying to anger to panic in minutes and then to complete numbness and lack in motivation to do anything at all. Can't concentrate on learning for 5minutes. Need to write. Need to understand why this happens.

The reasoning is obvious: I'm probably having the shittiest time of my life but there is also great potential for a new beginning. I'm just so occupied with other thoughts and emotions that I can't believe it right now. I think meditation will be a key. Going to meditate after the entry, need to make myself free.

I will need to get rid off my pc and all the booze and soda and junk food at home or otherwise I will try to fill the numbness with anything that comes in handy. Remove the temptation and the need after it will disappear.

I didn't expect it to hit me so suddenly, I thought it would build up over days, which it probably did... I don't know.

I won't give up, I will do whatever it takes to go beyond this and stick to the plan. I've come so far and I can do so much more if I keep going the way I did, there is no reason to resign right now. This thought is good, it gives me back my drive.

Go it step by step, don't think what is going to happen or what can happen, all that needs to happen is that I win for today and I can do that by getting the shit done that I had on my list today. And then I will win the next day. and the next.

 

The next weeks will probably be the most intensive ones in my life but I feel confident in succeeding, I just can't allow myself to take away my own hope, no matter the circumstances and emotions I'm going through. I can do this.

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Day 7

I was completly blocked out yesterday and just sat out my time until I went to bed. 

I will need to mentally prepare for such situations because it just felt like a wave of opressed feelings coming out all at once, I guess I will need to work with myself bit by bit to avoid such happenings.

Besides from that I'm feeling good. I woke up after a lot of sleep, went through my routine and I'm willed to achieve things today.

I'm thankful for long, hot showers^^

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Ever heard this quote from Yoda?:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate... leads to suffering."

You're at a crossroads right now and that is scary as hell. You get frustrated at yourself and angry about the lack of control you have over the situation and your life, which is actually all the time for us humans, we barely have control over what happens but during life we're too busy and distracted doing stuff to care or even notice; except for these times when we're forced to stop, choose another direction and build momentum towards that direction. If you let this anger get the better of you then comes the doubts and insecurities and thinking/talking shit about yourself: the hate, of yourself. Then you suffer. You get depressed, reinforce this pattern. 

Understand your fear and embrace it man. It's ok to feel like you don't know what the fuck are you going to do next (who knows, we're all future-blind), but at the same time trust sincerely you'll come up with something at the right time. You've been doing it during all your life until now, think about it. 

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If you have trouble with emotions... it is good to find a precise word for them. Even if you don't like the word or don't want it to be true that you are having that emotion – it is important to give it a name to handle it accordingly.

And also - to not feel bad about it. I'm full of bad emotions everyday, but I try not to feel bad about them. Feeling bad about your emotions just turns them into festering problems. Accepting them, on the other hand, makes them cobblestones on your way to manhood.

This does not mean to leave them unhandled though. They need to be countered in some manner, but to face them, they need to be accepted as fact without guilt or shame. Guilt and shame only lead to paralysis.

Edited by destoroyah
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Today it's difficult, today it's different. It's way too early but I'm fully awake, my mind shocked by the fact that I dreamed of....~her~... It's usually not like that. When the day closes in, another begins and I can start over for each day. But this time she's with me, from the start. I can't get up, I lay in bed repeating the dream scenario over and over again. Time passes by. If I don't get up now, I will never get up today. Hot water. Still can't get the dream out of my head. I'm always looking forward to get to sleep, now I will need to defend it. I'm showering...  if I don't get out now, I will never get out today. Making tea, putting on headphones and blasting the song that speaks from my soul. Sitting at the wall in my room, my soul is speaking. Darkness closes in and I close my eyes. Cosmic levitation. My soul goes past my mental and physical barriers. I'm more than this mortal suffering, I'm more than these incomplete thoughts. Feelings are my signposts on this road. I open my eyes, I'm back in the room and realize: I love ~her~. And that's why she needs to go. I've refused to walk down this road for a long time but the signs are clear. A wet cheek. A set mind. If I don't get on now, I will never get on (today).

I pack my things. It's time to travel.

Day 8

Get up, get out, get on.

Today is the day where I could finish phase 1: At this point I will have worked through 500 pages of higher mathematics in 25 days. I could prepare phase 2 tomorrow and initiate it the day after. I will also now start to have a sleeping routine in the evening: brushing teeth, strech, make a tea and head to bed and read, while drinking said tea. My morning routine is getting me into the day at the moment, I'm sure a sleeping routine will help me get to bed (I guess it will be more problematic from now on). As for my break-up... or the 5 stages of grief... It's funny: I can't tell where I am right now. I feel like I'm past aggression but before depression but I don't feel like negotiating, but if I think about it...that's exactly what I'm currently doing. Negotiating with myself about illusionary decisions that aren't in my power, it's just as @Hitaru said (insane entry btw man, thanks). "Maybe I can delay depression..." and things like these come to my mind. I'm not even scared or refusing about what's going to happen, I'm willed to embrace depression in order to achieve acceptance. I guess through depression I can face my buried feelings and start to accept them (@destoroyah), that's the concept of the Kübler-Ross-model. There's just one condition: It can't destroy my studies and I'm going to fight and sacrifice for it.

I've pulled the plug on my Pc yesterday, I packed all junk food and threw it away and got rid of the booze. I had no Soda left at home.

I'm thankful for having company during this time and a place to share my thoughts & feelings.

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Day 9

I made it! I've completed the book in ~25 days, which is amazing considering I was sick half that time and the other circumstances. During this time I wrote 199 pages and killed 3 ballpens (lol) and went through a whole 500 pages of a scientific book. Gonna celebrate today for that, hope you guys join me? ;)

After achieving something it is always important to self-reflect before moving on with the next task so this is what I learned during the last 25 days:
- There will always be down times, especially if you have a hard time, and it's ok to take a break from pushing yourself forward and reflect or just relax. Making a Journal was essential in this case because as soon as I started my journal my productivity rose by around ~50% and most improtantly:
--> even when I had downtimes, making a journal helped me to get back on track so much faster. Before I wrote a daily journal I sometimes lost 2-3 days to issues and making a Journal reduced this time to ~1 day (if at all).

- Write in a personal journal about your very personal stuff. It helps a lot.

- Keep motivating yourself. Sometimes look at the goal and think/dream about it so you don't forget why you do all this.

- Listen to motivators. There's a lot of content, so choose carefully. They help you rethink your strategy and reflect on yourself a lot!

- Listen to yourself. If someone says that you can't do something, think fuck you and show him that you can.
(|--> I'm writing this to "you" so my future me will read this as advices from my past me <--|)

So after reflecting the past, it's time to plan for the future:

- Work on the life-triangle (education, health, social life) with having my education top priority until exams. Gonna sign a gym contract and go for sports after that. Also focusing on social life and making some new friends, which will be very improtant after a break-up, main focus will still be education though.

- The next 2 days will be out of routine, so it will be important to get back into it as soon as possible. Prepare for that.

- Work off the sheet with notices about things I didn't fully comprehend during the next 2 days (reduced study time, so it's a good time for that).

- Start exercising for the exam from tuesday on and make practice exams ~1week before the exam.

- Stay motivated, keep your focus on the goal. Everything else can be dealt with afterwards.

If I'm honest then I gotta say that the learn method that I use right now probably isn't the best so I will reconsider it but for now it was the most fitting one for my situation. But I can think about that afterwards, there's still 38 days left and having these for practicing is very comfy to know. I have a lot of "floating" knowledge right now with that much input so it's important to clarify open questions and solidify it, while also exercising the usage of this knowledge.

Edit: I'm also having doubts right now that this all will be enough since I started late into the semester... but I won't deal with these thoughts. The plan sounds reasonable good and gives me hope (which is important) and if it's enough then great! If not then I can deal with it as soon as it is there, there's no reason to waste time/motivation/energy on these thoughts (even if they reoccur sometimes anyway). Meditation is a great tool for these situations.

Wish you all a happy new year! :)

Edited by tirEdOrange

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Hi Ed wow congrats on your completion of the work! 199 pages are really a large number! Thanks for your inspiring reflection and happy new year!

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Day 10

Hope everyone had an enjoyable new year eve :)

I enjoyed mine with family and I'm very thankful for having their support and care.

But these 2 days still threw me out of balance. I almost did no studying but I made an important decision today:

Either me or my ex are going to change address until the flat gets a new owner. I can't deal with the break up if her presence is near me in any way. I want her to take all her stuff and leave or I will take my stuff and leave, even if it means more financial problems for the next 2 months but I'm ready to face this consequence in order to have more peace of my own because sometimes I'm meeting the limits of the mental pain that I can endure. It's a 100% necessary step.

I will from today on also not look at any comments on fun- or memeapps, the current internet mentality about suicide jokes and similar are a really bad influence right now, so I will need to avoid it. I've already experienced this in shock during gaming a couple months ago and it's unacceptable imo but what you gotta do, it's the internet, best I can do is avoid and ignore. Anyway, having all these rough emotional and mental tasks, I don't wanna surround myself in anyway with suggestions like "Wanna know a fast way to stop suffering? kys".

I should just surround myself with a positive, forward looking environment in order to give myself the possibility to work under "best" conditions (well,...as good as they can be).

Gotta work today which means I won't be able to wake up as usual but I will still try to wake up after 6-7 hours of sleep and get straight into routine afterwards. Actually can't wait to get back to work.

Oh i also went out and jogged today a good amount. I had to really work myself through it but it was worth it. I don't think that I can simply "wait out" until february, I need some physical activity every now and then to deal with depression, even if it's just a small amount of jogging outside or a long walk.

I'm thankful for having my family (mom, dad, bro), they're a big pillar holding myself together when my other pillars crumble and collapse.

Edit: We packs her personal stuff while I have to work. Breaks my heart...

Gotta plan ahead... Take a long, hot shower then sleeping routine and try to sleep by 2330. Wake up around 7:00 and then head to library to study all day, gotta need the distance and distraction or I go crazy.

Edited by tirEdOrange
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I won't lie, I've never really been into any kind of social media, save for YouTube and video game communities, for more than a few weeks, tops. I just find them very restrictive and I can never find what I want with ease, and the humor gets old in a hurry. For most people, social media probably takes up a lot of their lives, which I just find a bit saddening. Anyway, I need to be getting to bed, but good luck getting back into the swing of things!

To be honest, I've never understood the mentality of "hey, next year is gonna be great, let's start it off by ruining our sleep schedule!". It doesn't seem much like the sort of thing you want to do when things are going to get better.

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Day 11

Dude what a morning...

My ex packed her things yesterday and now it's empty in this flat.

It has troubled me so much already yesterday but luckily I was tired enough to just fall asleep. I slept until 7am and woke up. And then I just laid around and did nothing for half an hour. And then another. I just couldn't bring myself up to face the day. At some point I had to get up or I would just lay all day, but getting up means to face the reality. I just went from room to room, back and forth and tried to comprehend the situation. Anger built up in me and I punched a wall. The next moment I sit on the ground, leaning on the couch, bursting out in tears. Turning on some soothing music, getting into the shower and be there for a long time. After a while I can convince myself to keep on with my routine and make a tea and shortly after meditate but before that I just sit at the table and stare blankly into nothingness for, I can't even tell how long.

What has excessive Gaming done to me?

I've lost all to it. But I'm not even blaming the Gaming addiction. It happened because I was weak and I couldn't deal with all the pain that I was facing, so once I discovered that it distracts me from everything, it pretty fast became excessive and I just escaped with it from reality. And everytime I was facing hard times, I used it as a tool but not just for a couple hours, I used it for weeks. It ruined everything.

My ex must have suffered a lot because of it as well but I can't even feel too much sympathy for her because she was a toxic factor that empowered this behaviour, I can see it now. It's good that it's over, it means I can finally get over it now. She left me for completly egoistic reasons when I would have needed her the most, when it's the decision between me beating my addiction after all those years and succeeding in my education or failing and give in to another downward spiral that I probably wouldn't recover from. But it was the right decision that we made because, with her being this factor and offering no support at all, I can only succeed in this without her even if it means to leave behind 9 years of my life. We made each other unintendedly suffer. It's sad but it's true.

Today is a day where I wanna escape reality but I don't even feel like gaming at all... I'm hating it for what it has done to me. I dont think that I will give in to the urge ever again. This is too much of an defining event.

It's pretty hard for me to focus and I don't think I will be able to study greatly today. I will get some things done that needs me to move around the town so I get fresh air and distraction and then I'll see how the day goes. Probably coming back at some point and at least revise the material, making some cue cards or something like that. Meditation helped a lot too otherwise I wouldn't even be able to write about this I think... gonna do that today as well.

As a last note I gotta say that I strangely approve that I faced my "emotional breakdown" today. I wanted to avoid it by being in bed for an indefinite time but facing my emotions meant to work with the problem and that helped me a lot in moving forward, I can see that now. This is helluva phase but I wanna get through it to see what's behind.

I will try to go into the next day as free as possible so I can start the day tomorrow as effective as possible.

I'm thankful for this forum and the possibility to express myself here.

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Day 12

Starting up my regular routine today. Didn't get up in time but I will fix that today since I still woke up early.

Sadly I can't fully concentrate on learning and need to do some organizing before but as soon as I'm back home I initiate phase 2: Working through my workbook in 20 days (which means 5 sites full with exercises per day). Probably won't make 5 today since I'm a little bit off schedule but better do 2-3 and start than do nothing just because the day didn't start perfectly. I freaking hate this mindset of mine: Give up because it didn't went perfectly and is not worth trying anyway then. I already worked on it but deep down it still keeps whispering to me in bad times... asshole inner-voice.

I'm actually in a happy and focused state since I had my emotional breakdown... it's insane. Writing and experiencing my feelings really helps me out. And I don't know... I usually never talk about crying or boxing walls in rage because I usually don't talk about my feelings at all so this is kind of a thing for me. A helpful step forward.

I'm thankful for feeling good again after some pressured days.

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Day 13

Wanna keep my entries shorter.

Feel sad, empty, defeated. Had some good momentum yesterday but let it slip away with binging. Revising the past years just drag me down right now but it's inevitable.
Losing touch with the time, honestly believed today was already the 6. or 7. of January. Will start tomorrow with the next learning session, today is a bad day for that.
 

I will go to bed early but before that I will prepare my day tomorrow, cleaning up the flat and preparing stuff. The day tomorrow will start today evening.

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Day 14

Feel better today. I show first signs of acceptance. Didn't do any Studies during the last 4 days and I feel like it have been 6+ days. Wanted to implement jogging in my morning routine but seems like that's too frequent for my body. Still plan on doing physical activities in the morning until I'm able to joh again.

Gonna start today with studying for 8 hours, at least that will be my goal. Doesn't matter if it's a couple hours more or less, as long as I start.

Ex will take out rest of furniture tomorrow, this will surely hit me. Should think about how to deal with that.

I had some "urges" today in the form of thoughts like "Wouldn't hurt too much to play 1-2 games now that there's nobody to take care of anyway or not?". Didn't even took me a minute to throw away this possibility. Sneaky asshole addiction.

I don't know what I'm thankful for right now

Edited by tirEdOrange

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Hey I read your new journal from time to time but haven't made time so far to comment. Good job on working on your issues. Like making a study plan and actually studying a ton(!). Or figuring out that your ex has to leave for a new start. These things seems logical from the outside but if your in the situation it can be incredible hard to make these sometimes harsh decisions.

I wouldn't freak out too much about morning routine and stick to that what worked. Meditation seems to help you a lot so this seems like a keeper. Jogging/Working out can be an awesome start but if you'll just need some activation in the morning a brisk walk in the fresh air does the same trick. Don't fall into the trap of optimizing to much in regard to the morning routine. It only helps you if you actually follow through with it and it actually enhances your mood and/or productivity. I did think and try a lot of stuff in the past and set myself under pressure to find a good routine. But I didn't do the work afterwards which should be facilitated or improved by the routine, so it was without purpose and senseless. 

It is good that you'll catch these thoughts right now. If your alone it is hard to stick to your promises and commitments. I struggle with this too. Whatever your depression/monkey.mind says: You are worth that you'll keep your word to yourself! Do it and you'll start believing this sentence. 

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@WorkInProgress Thanks for your entry. Felt like quitting journal on an emotional level, even though it's it's a bad idea. Your entry motivated me to stay.

Day 15

Today is gonna be shitty day, I feel calm about it though so far. At this evening all that I will have left is an empty flat with a bed and a wardrobe. Won't even have a table lol.

I felt like slowly accepting all of this but this feels like a step back in terms of getting over with it because it's depressing.

Gonna hideout in the library and learn, it's about time I start. Cleaning up in the evening where it surely will hit me. Not looking forward to this day.

Don't know what I'm thankful for right now.

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Awesome that I decided to comment right now then :) Use this as a chance to make what you want to do. If you always wanted to have a whiteboard were your goals are visualized: now is the time to get one and place it prominently in the midst of your empty flat. If you wanted to de-clutter and feel more zen: Now is the possibility to see how live would be with that little baggage. It isn't depressing by itself but you  are (understandably so) depressed about it. Things are just things. Experiences are just experiences. They aren't good/bad by them self. They become good or bad because you evaluate them. This is normal but something important to realize. Because it enables you to see things how they are and not how you feel they should be.

For example you could think:

I don't even have a table anymore. I are a pathetic human being without even the basic things necessary for a civilized live. How would anyone be proud of someone so miserable. My life is in shatters. People can only pity me. I can only pity me. My back will hurt because I sit on the floor/bed all the time. I will fail studying because I can't sit anywhere comfortable anymore. Life is such a bitch.

Or you could think:

I don't have a table anymore.
(And face any real problems when they occur. For example build/buy a basic table and chair. Or buy sitting cushions or whatever).

This was only an over exaggerated example but it is a  fact that emotions oftentimes don't let us see things like they really are. Look for the reality and most of life's problems aren't that complicated. That is also the reason why we usually can give really good advice to other people while failing to the right things ourselves. We aren't as emotional about other people problems. We are detached.

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@WorkInProgress It makes sense, that's why sharing yourself is so important. I've alrwady built a provisional table, I don't wanna let any obstacle stop me from studying.

Day 16

I lost a lot of time and focus during the last days due to my emotions and now due to other circumstances but I found back my drive yesterday. Time is running and my day today is practicly gone due to these circumstances, which sucks.

I feel like depression is slowly fading. All those things nag on me but I start to identify my emotions and situations and accept my past failure; what I wanna do now is going forward.

My goal for today is to set up everything for the next 32 Days so all the possible distractions, that I can influence, are gone.

I don't know what I'm thankful for right now.

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Day 17

Bad day today. Something, initiated by an outer source, happened and drained a ton of willpower from me. 

Can't expect to calmly go through my plan. I was on a good path to leave everything behind me and remember it in a good light and move on but that's not possible anymore. Not after yesterday.

Urges and Doubts are great at this point but I won't give up. This is an unfair battle from now on but one that I can still win.  32 days left.

I'm thankful for my family and close friends.

Fucking rats.

Edited by tirEdOrange

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Day 18

If this goes after the Kübler-ross-model(5 stages of grief and loss), which seemed pretty fitting so far, I have definitly reached Stage 4: depression.

Don't even feel like writing daily entries anymore... 

I fucked this all up. I couldn't get over my broken self and now I have to deal with the consequences, so I deserve all that comes on this way.

I have to restructure and redefine myself so much... and start over again. Will it be worth it in the end?

Invested so much time and energy in other peoples dreams and hopes and made so many of them achieve these even though they didn't believe that they could but it seems that my taste in people is fucking horrible because now that I'm at the end of my ressources, I find myself lonely and with no hope for someone who would do the same for me.

Investing 5 years in people that use and then just discard or even betray me. 

I just wanted to built a circle around me with people that push themselves into something higher... but instead I've gazed into the void of many people and while curing some of theirs, I've built my own. Fast forward to this point and I need to resist every fucking day to not drink, smoke, binge eat and gamble/game (the difference are only 2 letter btw... for a reason) away my fucking life and all that I hear is:

"Hey that shouldn't be too hard for you, I mean, it's you after all..."

like I'm not human but some fucking kind of object.

Fuck my life. 

I honestly believe that I have a talent to cope with people and help them achieve their goals... but if this is what comes at the end of the road, then why even bother?

I think I will turn at this point and use this talent for myself, as I did a long time ago and reject others. I was so happy when I broke out of Isolation and was able to bring joy, hope and fulfillment in other peoples lives, to see them develop and leave behind their void.

Truth is that there are probably only a handful of people worth investing my heart and soul in... at least that's what I hope. If I would only rely on my experience so far then I would say that I haven't met any of them... except maybe 1 person.

During the last 2 months I've lost 3kg, studied hard, stopped to drink and smoke at all. I gamed excessively and from one day to another I stopped because I realized I just hit rock bottom and that if I don't make it through the next months that I will fall into oblivion... maybe for the rest of my life. And it's fucking hard to maintain these changes.

And yet,.... after all these experiences I still hoped that anyone that remained with me would help me out... would lend me a hand to get out of my void. 

But no one came, even when I asked. Sad. Instead I get stabbed in the back again by a person I respected a lot during the last years... during a condition like this.

I'm. Fucking. Done. With. People.

I always wanted to be the superhero... turns out I have to be the Supervillain to survive through this mess of betrayal and selfishness. 

Maybe one day things will change and I can open up again but until then I will embrace everything that I am right now and elevate it into something better. I don't believe in people anymore.

 

If you've read through all of this then I wanna deeply thank you. You're a person that reads through my pain and still sticks to it in order to help or learn and that's special. If you struggle with excessive gaming right now then please try your best to stop it, a lot of my pain could've been avoided if I stopped at the right time. But I didn't and learned it the very hard way.

I will stop my daily entries for now, I'm definitly out of my gaming addiction, even though it's still present in the shadows but I'm not planning to go back there, ever again. I will probably update every once in a while.

Thanks for being with me.

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On 9.1.2018 at 10:11 AM, tirEdOrange said:

I think I will turn at this point and use this talent for myself, as I did a long time ago and reject others. I was so happy when I broke out of Isolation and was able to bring joy, hope and fulfillment in other peoples lives, to see them develop and leave behind their void.

Truth is that there are probably only a handful of people worth investing my heart and soul in... at least that's what I hope. If I would only rely on my experience so far then I would say that I haven't met any of them... except maybe 1 person.

During the last 2 months I've lost 3kg, studied hard, stopped to drink and smoke at all. I gamed excessively and from one day to another I stopped because I realized I just hit rock bottom and that if I don't make it through the next months that I will fall into oblivion... maybe for the rest of my life. And it's fucking hard to maintain these changes.

And yet,.... after all these experiences I still hoped that anyone that remained with me would help me out... would lend me a hand to get out of my void. 

But no one came, even when I asked. Sad. Instead I get stabbed in the back again by a person I respected a lot during the last years... during a condition like this.

I'm. Fucking. Done. With. People.

I always wanted to be the superhero... turns out I have to be the Supervillain to survive through this mess of betrayal and selfishness. 

Maybe one day things will change and I can open up again but until then I will embrace everything that I am right now and elevate it into something better. I don't believe in people anymore.

Hey great job on your improvements over the last months. Stopping to drink and to smoke is hard.

It isn't selfish or bad to invest your energy in your self and only the people who enrichen your life. You are the only one you have to live with for the rest of your life. So never stop to care for yourself. Only if your able to take care of yourself and to set clear boundaries with people influencing you in a bad way you are able to open up and help others. You need a fundation to build a house. Often I helped people because I want the validation we get from them and was hurt if they don't delivered. This is not healthy at all. I decided to build myself up and make a strong fundation so I can serve other people (for example my family) because that is who I want to be. Not what they want me to be. The results may look similar but internally this is totally different. 

In the end you are alone. It is your responsibility to take care of you. This isn't depressing if you really look at it. It is liberating:

 

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@WorkInProgress I totally get what you're saying since I've been on the right way a couple years ago and ecperienced this libersting feeling. It somehow produces pain to seperate from my current mentality and switch to this "new", liberating one. I'm on my way tho and thats all that matters.

Day 23

Haven't been very productive during last days, I can now totally see that I'm stuck in depression and I'm struggling to keep up with everything because of it. I still believe that the 5 stages of grief apply to my situation and while I have shown signs of acceptance I'm surely really stuck in depression right now. I picked up learning, jogging and eating normally tho during the last 2 Days, so that's a little comeback.

I will try to keep up with these 3 things during the next days and get through as good as possible.

My goal is to wake up early again during the next days and keep up the things that I stated above.

I'm thankful for not falling for any addictions during the last days and just go mildly through the down phase.

Oh btw I wasn't drinking or smoking regularly, I just started bad habits around these two factors and since I don't wanna develop any kind of twisted relation to them I'm completly cutting them until I'm in a better mental state.

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Also have to state that after my last entry I was feeling extremly pessimistic and down. Cooled down during the last days and probably will start to make entries regularly again since it helps, even tho they are just the aftermath of my unbeaten gaming addiction.

Gotta clean up the shit that it left behind :(

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Day X

Hey there, been a while. Wanted to make a quick update:

First of all: Thanks. Your guiding advices really helped me and made me rethink a lot of my behaviour and mentality.
I've been very productive during the last weeks and achieved all my goals and more... while actually not really having a goal(except one: study!!!), I just knew what I didn't wanted to do. I didn't wanted to stay the way I was during the last months,... probably years. So I ran almost every day, studied every day, stopped eating junk food and generally eat less and only healthy stuff and see there: I'm bored 5 days before exams because there's actually nothing to do (so I just study related things and repeat old stuff for x-th time), I lost around 4-5kg(8-10 pounds) during the last 6 weeks and gained a lot of endurance. I wasn't even able to run for 3km straight without a break and now I'm running 6km and feel like I can soon run more. I'm still struggling in terms of mental health and it's going upward... slowly... so:

During the last weeks I isolated myself and visited a psychological consultant. Turns out I'm having a (probably even chronic) depression, that's current state is middle to middle deep and probably some other things, which sucks but now I know what I'm dealing with and I'm seeing a therapist to help me out. Like I don't know... it was way overdue that I did that but some kind of false Pride didn't allow me to visit a psychological therapist. But now that I've broken the chains to everything I'm completly free and I start to build myself up again.

Well, that was pretty much it. I'm still struggling with after-break-up symptoms and myself but it's getting upwards, so everything's fine. I think it's the first time since years that I look into the next weeks and I see some real hope for change, not just some wishful thinkings.

Going to sign a contract at a gym and a boulder hall after exams and try to establish a routinated, well structured and productive day while not overdoing it. Now that I have literally 0 contact to anyone except family and 1 close friend I feel free, like I broke some chains. I couldn't care less about peoples opinions like that it's freaky to wake up at 4AM and do stuff and go to bed at 9PM. It's just pulling me down so why give a fk. Sadly my opinions towards others has changed into the direction that I'm only trusting myself (for a reason). Maybe that will change in future but I don't really care, just wanna hang on with fitness, study and money. The rest will come by itself or not, I don't care.

I have no problems in terms of gaming addiction anymore. I mean, I've gone through it all during the last years and didn't make it easy for myself but well, whatever it takes to be successful. If I procrastinate I choose to game sometimes but it's not impulsive and uncontrolable as it once was and I for sure have no cravings... but... there's no way I can take this easy ever again in my life. It's easy to slip back into the darkness. Sucks but it's true. So I rather distance myself than hanging on the edge.

 

Wish everyone energy and power to get through the mess addictions causes everyone of us. Keep it up!

 

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