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tirEdOrange

Phyxius

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Welcome to my Journal!

You may click on this Journal of mine because of the strange name that you probably never heard of before or maybe because of the strange steroid Orange that you hopefully will never find in your local supermarket. Either way, thanks for looking in :)

My Name is Ed and I'm 20ish years old and this is my x-nd Journal(while x has the affinity to be bigger than 4). I wanna share my thoughts and feelings and I'm also looking for support and guidance and hopefully can give some back by either directly assissting others in their Journal or inspire you by my deeds.

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With that being said:

I'm going through some rough times right now and just didn't know whereelse I can share my thoughts and feelings...

I just feel like I need to express myself because I'm in a really strange, desperate state right now... and it is directly linked to gaming.

I wish I could explain further but I have no time to go into details so.... see you in a couple of days ;)

@Cam Adair Hey there! I'm baaaack. Thanks for giving me a place to go to when I'm uncertain about my circumstances and need somewhere to express myself. Is it possible to change my Name?

[To be Continued ---->]

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Thanks for the welcome!

Time to make an entry,... I don't even know how to start this properly.

At the moment I'm feeling quite good. I stopped gaming for 1 week and studied every day around 8 hours, woke up early and did sports regularly. I messed up this year. I've gained ~6kg weight in this year (sadly it wasn't muscle-weight^^). I messed up my studies and I'm currently going through a long-term Relationship break-up, which was partially caused by the gaming.

Even though all this sounds horribly depressing and negative, I'm feeling actually quite good because I managed to actively change my life during the last week. I don't know if it was the "break-up talk" that caused this change all of a sudden... and I surely won't be able tell why I start to change and it doesn't matter. I wanna look forward.

I keep myself in a positive, forward looking mindset during the day and set myself to a quite strict yet simple agenda. I believe that the distraction is doing wonders right now.. but I don't wanna think too much about it. As long as it works, it's fine.

I'm feeling good at the moment, as stated above. I'm opening this Journal for the times when it's not like this.

I had the urge once to play an Multiplayer-game again once during the week but it quickly faded away, since the effort to retrieve everything (I stored everything that could lead to a relapse in the cellar) would be too big.

I'm trying to see the positive things that could come with the changes that are happening right now and it keeps me motivated. I don't wanna think too much about any reasoning behind my motivation, I just wanna get. shit. done. :)

Anyway, thanks for tuning in and listening to my problems. You're awesome :D

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Urgh,

I started to get sick today and fell out of routine, which led me through the day unproductive and triggerable. And I got triggered.

The weight of everything feels crushing right now and therefore I had a lot of urges going through my mind during the last hours, robbing my sleep from me. I decided to write about my current feelings and the situation (in something diary like) and it helped a lot.

I will try to get back on routine tomorrow and then keep going. I'm missing 2 days now because of this but I will not beat myself up over it and instead try to get even more amibitious to keep my deadline this time!

I realized today how cynical I was during the last years and that I've completly lost my faith in myself and my ambitions, which is a key reason to why I'm unable to finally get away from this paralyzing situation. Hm... I think if I would try to be spiritual again in a situation like this it would look something like this:

I've chained myself to a balloon and painted it black while convincing myself that it is a heavy ball that I'm bound to. Whenever I forget about this ball being fake and realize how good it feels to fly, I automaticly look down and prepare to fall because I believe that the chain will drag me down. Yet, after all, it is just a self-painted balloon.

My pain is just an illusion that I believe in. Why can't I believe in an illusionary happiness instead until I find true peace again? The road stays the same, it is just my perception of the surroundings being a beautiful landscape or possible threat-points that shapes the journey.

 

TL;DR Had urges, didn't play, yay! Was down, now prepping to get motivated again.

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Quick entry:

Had now 3 days off of regular routine to regen and get healthy again. Forced myself to wake up at 4am. Feel good, gotta make this day productive starting now. I definitly had the most urges during the last days where I had more free time, so I'm glad to get back into any kind of "distraction" from these urges.

I was thinking about swimming regularly on thursday but i have way too much to catch up now, so probably next week.... Or well, let's not be the type of "maybe next X"-guy and just try it out today. I will at least go to the place and have a look at everything. Maybe even make a little swim for 30 mins or so, I'll make time for that.

 

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So I woke up yesterday and after being productive for 3-4 hours I failed and just fell asleep and since then I just feel depleted and did absolutly nothing but eating badly and just procrastinating.

I think I let the whole situation get to me a little bit too much, I mean my personal. I feel like I just woke up from a long freaking dream that I had for the past 30 hours and now I'm getting back my awareness. I definitly need an emergency plan for situations like this (probably meditating in the morning?) because I don't want no longer to drop out from my regular day and get back into a downward spiral. Anyway, going to fix a little bit and prepare for tomorrow.

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I feel extremly empty and heartbroken right now...

9 year relationship down the drain... it's over for real now. I've been trying my best to fix what is broken but it is ultimatively over...

Tomorrow we'll sign the dismissal to our apartment. It's so confusing, we're still good as friends but not as partners... It's a really confusing situation right now.

 

To my luck, there's a lot of work to do that I can dig in but it's 3 in the morning right now because I can't sleep no matter what I try. 

I will binge through the day and just survive it somehow, then head to bed around 9pm and wake up early to get back to my morning routine and start off into a productive day... even if I will game today to distract myself I'm not going to relapse. Tomorrow will be another day.

I will discuss the rest later during the week while trying to survive it.

 

Sorry for the drama. I'm really thankful for being able to share my thoughts and feelings here.

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The past few weeks have been pure horror for me but I feel that there is the chance to start over in the rubble of the old construct that I built up, that collapsed in itself.'
I had a conversation yesterday with a psychologic consultant at the university and his resume was that I'm stuck in a moderate depression(and needs antidepressiva due to that) and that I ruined my study because there is no way that I'm going to pull myself effectively through this semester (which is my 2nd last chance to succeed before getting forcefully exmatriculated) considering my circumstances right now. He thinks that I should rethink about studying at all and that I'm going to crumble once the shit hits the fan. Stangely enough his opinion about my unevitable failure is motivating me right now since I promised myself to pass this semester with every course in it, no matter what. And even though I had rough times during the last weeks I'm still faithful in passing.

I'm not just faithful in passing, I'm faithful in succeeding right now.

Fuck his opinion that I'm not strong enough to overcome all of this by myself. Fuck this whole situation trying to bring me down to my lowest. I'm not gonna let it take me. I still have a chance to succeed and that's why I still have faith that I can overcome all the mistakes that I did during the last years.

I will workout a daily schedule after that I will make my entries and while my entries won't heavily focus on my gaming addiction they will heavily focus on my planning and thoughts about how I'm going to design each day and my motivations.

 

It's such a strange thing that when everything is going downhills your motivation to change yourself is so huge... or at least it's like that for me.

Anyway... I think I will log in through my cell phone on the forums and then make daily plans or at least give a little status report on how my mind is going. At the end of the day I could then edit this entry and make a résumé? hm...

Rest will be shaped during the next days. I'm also sick right now so I will probably need to rest up first before starting intensively. But good preparation is always the key to immediate action! :)

I'm thankful for being a stubborn bullhead and finding motivation even in the darkest times.

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5 hours ago, tirEdOrange said:

 

Fuck his opinion that I'm not strong enough to overcome all of this by myself. Fuck this whole situation trying to bring me down to my lowest. I'm not gonna let it take me. I still have a chance to succeed and that's why I still have faith that I can overcome all the mistakes that I did during the last years.

 

Thats exactly what i was thinking reading about what this guy told you^^ If i learned something in life then that you never should believe people telling you you cant do something. Reading about your "diagnosis", you know gaming can cause depression too? I watched some video yesterday on FB @Cam Adair posted, it was about a guy talking at tedtalk about internet addiction, mainly porn, but this applies to other addictions like gaming as well. He too said, that many people are treated wrong, and that depression is only the symptom and not the illness itself. That being said i ofc dont know if it applies to you too, but before taking antidepressants i would give it a thought. Much strength for you! 

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+1 to screw that guy's opinion. You're in a low point and who knows yet if you can pass the semester, but that was plainly a downer. You can do it man, put everything into it. 

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Thanks for the support!

@Mimetic I can defnitly tell that I had rough times in the past and out of those I developed this addiction which lead to a looong depression-phase that costed me 5 years of my life. So treating the addiction or the depression won't fix it in my opinion, I gotta attack the root of it and by now I can pretty sure tell that it was a huge rejection that I couldn't overcome.

With that being said, I think that my solution will be to proactively plan and work through my next days/weeks. Whenever I'm proactively working towards a goal I'm doing quiet good and don't feel down. I just need to finally see the things that I could become as something that is 100% worth working for. Like for example: Having a great body and a great education in 3 years, how awesome would be that! or... something like "I'm gonna be able to start a family that can have everything it wants while still being able to try out all kinds of sports without much training because I'm such a good overall shape." You know, something that goes beyond your current self.

 

I realized today that I'm definitly going through the 5 stages of grief & loss (Kübler-Ross Model):
1. Denial & Isolation 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4.Depression 5. Acceptance

I'm currently stuck in the 2nd phase. I'm having loads of aggressive feelings coming up right now. It's so strange that the end of a long-term relationship triggers the symptons of something like this Model but I guess it's reasonably explainable, since it's affecting 10 years of my past.

It sucks that I'm reaaaally sick right now and can't just distract myself with studying at some place outside our flat or jogging or something, hope I will recover soon so I can build up some distance to this place.

 

Fitting to my aggressive feelings towards everything I remembered today a quote that a mentor from 12 years ago said to me... It sounds a little more fluent in german than in english but it would mean something like:

"Count on someone and you will be left" ; "Verlasse dich auf jemanden und du wirst verlassen".

The reason why I like this quote so much is because I've been so supportive towards several people and so far everyone of them left me hanging when I needed help. And now this even applies to my ex, which hurts a lot and really makes me think about my attitude during the past years. And I mean really, during the last 5 years every attempt failed. I know it sounds negative,,, but

Currently I'm seeking isolation so I can find myself and concentrate on my goals and I really really really don't wanna have anybody around me. I mean, like any close friends or anything like that because in the end, I'm always the one that's left behind after they got what they want. I guess the anger I'm having right now amplifies these feelings.

Anyway, time for soup and tea. Thanks all for being here <3

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Alright!

I found a new way to motivate myself: PANIC!
I just found out that the next exam that I write will be the 2nd last chance for me to pass or my whole studies are finished. And I just have 48 days left!
I mean, I had a good working plan at the start of the month but that was before that bullshit happened with my relationship but I simply don't have any time left to get down by that, I need to focus as hard as possible for the next 48 days and go into overdrive mode in order to be successful! I'm behind my plan but I can easily overtake it.

Okay here's my plan:

I will make an entry every morning starting now:

I will wake up at 4:30, brush teeth, make a tea and eat a fruit then meditate (morning routine). Afterwards making an entry about feelings, plans and thoughts to free myself and then some physical activity and preparing for learning. This will roughly take 20-25 mins. After around ~2h I will make a break and eat breakfast and pack my emergency meal (in case I get hungry). Then regular breaks in around 90-120 mins Intervals. (Not sure if I should head to the library/university to learn? pros: isolated and free meals at midday; cons: I effectively lose time, I would need to pack in advance and if I feel sometimes down there is no way for me distract myself (like jogging for a round or whatever.) ---> I feel like staying home would be the better choice? I'll see during the next days).

I will continue this until I am done at around 19:00 and then jog or just relax while watching a series or anything else. Making an entry, turning off electronics at 20:15, heading to bed at 20:45. Repeat for the next days until succes(PUSH -> Perserve until succes happens).

 

I know this plan totally buries my emotional phase right now but I just can't focus on it. I mean, I really love my girlfriend and I probably still do but that's the whole point about it. She loses someone who throughout the last 10 years loved her no matter her problems and always pushed everything else to the side if she kind of needed me but she can't do the same for me. I think she can't even feel any love towards me anymore. I'm basicly not losing anthing, it's her. Why torture myself? Argh... don't even wanna talk about such topics here and now.

My plan: work through all knowledge during the next 8 (or 9, depends on importance of topics) days and then start to practice. I should be through everything at around 30-32 days and then I still have 14+ days to revise, repeat and specialize in certain things which would be great.

 

So, setting into overdrive mode and totally focusing on passing this semester BECAUSE I FUCKING WILL! (looking at you asshole psychologist)

I'm thankful for making the right choice right now and that's working towards the future instead of mourning about the past... at least kind of.

 

Edit: I just wrote down all my feelings towards my relationship-situation and I feel extremly relieved. I'm not even sure if I should show it to my ex to clarify the siuation... I don't think that I will. Maybe after those 48 days. Anyway, I'm really down right now after reliving everything happened by writing during the past 1h+ but I feel finally like I closed the topic... at least for myself. I will try to get other thoughts now and then proceed with my plan.

Writing is a gift.

Edited by tirEdOrange

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Day 1 

I woke up on time and went through my morning routine. I actually feel good which is a thing that I surely couldn't say during the last days.

I start to realize my selfvalue again and maybe even start to love myself? At least I'm seeing some hope for it...

There is still a small barrier right now for me that tries to hinder me from being productive right now but I will mildly ignore it.

I'm not going through a break up right now, the loss of my partner must have happened many weeks ago. There is nothing to be afraid of as long as I don't lose myself in this. I think she lost herself and now she loses me due to that. A pity but not mine, she doesn't want me to hemp her, she just wants her own isolation. I'm not losing anybody who would be with me through hard times so there's no reason to be sad about it, just a reason to become great once again.

With that being said, my barrier is now almost gone and I feel ready to embrace the day and be productive, for the sake of myself.

 

This routine is working. Keep good thoughts during the days.

I'm thankful for being so good towards myself right now and accept my own love.

 

The day hay been very productive and I definitly went above my goals. I'm glad and motivated

Edited by tirEdOrange

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Day 2

I fell into bed yesterday before 9 PM and had an insanely deep sleep until 1 Am where a loid noise woke me up. Couldn't get back to sleep, started to think the wrong thoughts so I went to distract myself with TV, YouTube & Co.

Well guess what, 4 hours later I still feel down because I did nothing against it, I just pushed it aside for a couple hours. So I wrote down my thoughts and feelings, meditated and went through my morning routine and now I'm good to go.

I lost a couple hours with victimizing myself which is horrible but it's whatever, really. I will make it work out today nonetheless. 

Going to study now and then enjoy family time in the evening.

I'm thankful for pulling the brakes at the last moment by deciding to work for myself and my goals instead of procrastinating. If I don't start to do something now I won't do anything at all. This one is huge I mean, everything is shit and my 10-year Relationship just ended. I would have every excuse to give up right now but I don't.

 

--> today wasn't as productive but I still got a big chunk done and spent time with my family. I'm satisfied and very tired, preparing myself right now for the day tomorrow.

It's very important to prepare the next day the evening before, I didn't do that last night and the result was draining.

Looking forward to be productive tomorrow

Edited by tirEdOrange
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Day 3

I've had a good night of sleep. Woke up, meditated, ate and now I'm going to learn at 5AM.

I'm right now at my parents house and it feels extremly refreshing to be here. There are multiple reasons to why this is so but I think the greatest one is that I can selfreflect and realize certain things.

It feels strange to be in my mid 20ties and now that things fall apart I might end up here again soon. While there's nothing wrong with that it feels like a huge step backwards and I don't wanna let that happen. It's good that the breakup happened, I'm realizing what a mess my partner was and that she dragged me down.

Feeling good, going to study now.

I'm thankful for having a place on this world where I can always return to and restructure my thoughts.

 

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Day 4

I fell asleep yesterday at 6 Pm, woke up at 8 and finished studying and then went back to sleep which is the reason why I'm already awake at 2 AM :D

I treated myself with 1 hour of quality relaxation with memes. I should have said that I practicly was about to relapse 2 days ago and there was a point where I gamed for several hours and then my alarm activated and I was just about to keep playing instead of preparing to study and that was when it hit me that I was just about to relapse. Deinstalled and didn't touch any games since then to build up some distance. It's good to see that I can handle myself by now, even in hard times.

But... this is all still fragile. I need to take care of it daily, no matter what. Waking up early at 4:30 and then being productive and just do some relaxation in the evening is a key for this to work.

Well off to studies, there is a lot to do. I'm rolling through this course like a train right now, doing insane amounts of work.

I'm thankful for being good to myself and not drag myself down with the wrong thoughts. Also, finally an early riser yay!

 

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Day 5

It's insane how willingly I am to work through my holidays in order to achieve my goals *Patting myself on the shoulder*. I start to see a great increase in Concentration time, which is an insane improvement that comes in very handy and most of all...happened quite quickly? I also wake up at around 4:30 without an alarm clock (forgot to set one), so that's cool as well.

I start to believe that I was inside a relationsship with a toxic person. I felt before like every day that I lived choked me more and more but now I'm starting to feel free, every day a little bit more. I'm starting to make plans: gym in mid february, switching eating habits in mid march, going to boulder with my bro mid february, going out sometimes with anyone to socialize, maybe starting to donate blood once in a while? It's really liberating to have thoughts about my own future instead of thinking how I can improve the miserable day of someone else and... there was almost never not a miserable day. I think over all those years I hooked up too much on the thought that we belong together no matter what,...

I mean, it's just logical. She always complained about so many things in her life (like body shape, work,.. I'll spare you details) but at the end of the day just sat on the couch and did nothing against it, even when we wanted to "try" and switch things. The more I think about it the more I realize that there's no way back for me and that I should build up distance, not for me but for her. I'm still easily irritated right now and she seems to have enough of her own problems. I mean, I reaaaally couldn't care less right now about her problems, she decided to split so it's reaaaaaally not my concern anymore but I can at least just ignore her and build up distance instead of hurting by doing dumb things.

Anyway, my studies are doing great. I'm having a tough plan but it works out good, even though I'm really exhausted in the evening. That's why I'm so happy about a growing attention span, it helps out a lot :))) Gotta say that I also eliminated all distractions and strictly follow the rules of my plan so I can easily focus on work. So, let's get back to work and achieve my daily goals for today.

I'm thankful for seeing improvements in myself.

 

Edit: Just as I wrote this... Couldn't concentrate while learning, couldn't really meditate. something bothers me but I can't tell what it is exactly. fear of failure? I switched places and learn now at my old flat instead of my parents home, maybe it's that?... Gonna write in my personal journal, this is surely help.

Edited by tirEdOrange
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