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Question of the week: What are you grateful for?

taichi

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Found out on Monday that mommy has cervical cancer stage III.

Just about kept it together this week, preparing for her 2 month radiotherapy, but I can almost hear myself crumbling away.

I'm always on the pc for no reason, not resting when I really really should be.

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I'm really sorry to hear this man... That's horrible news to process. I will you and your family all the best and a hella load of strength to keep it up. It's twice as hard to maintain your focus when you're battling with complex emotions and stress.  Try and be mindful and kind to yourself. If everything crumbles, that's okay. Just at least be aware that it crumbles and at the very least learn from it, ask yourself 'why?'. 

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I'm really sorry to hear this man... That's horrible news to process. I will you and your family all the best and a hella load of strength to keep it up. It's twice as hard to maintain your focus when you're battling with complex emotions and stress.  Try and be mindful and kind to yourself. If everything crumbles, that's okay. Just at least be aware that it crumbles and at the very least learn from it, ask yourself 'why?'. 

Thanks for your unchanging support. All the best to you and everyone you care about.

2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Try and be mindful and kind to yourself.

Thank you. Needed that.

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Oh man, I'm really sorry to hear that. That's really rough 😞

Not much that can be said here. Just be of service to your mom in this time as much as you can. Physical & emotional comfort can be key to a recovery, plus it'll keep you away from the computer. So just serve her hand and foot and try to make this time as bearable for her as possible.

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On 1/27/2019 at 8:21 PM, taichi said:

Found out on Monday that mommy has cervical cancer stage III.

Oh no, I hope that your mom is doing well. 😓

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Mommy will be staying in hospital for the next 2 months.

Planning to go see her every other day or so, maybe bring her some high protein food as a bento.

 

I cannot afford to be wanking my penis off and neglecting my body's needs. Self-care will be first priority.

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17 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Take a breath. 

How are things with your mom?

Apparently the most stressful part of chemotherapy comes in a week or so. No new info so far, good or bad. I'm thankful for the hospital and its nurses and doctors.

Honestly not sure what the appropriate level of alarmed-ness is.

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3 hours ago, taichi said:

Apparently the most stressful part of chemotherapy comes in a week or so. No new info so far, good or bad. I'm thankful for the hospital and its nurses and doctors.

Honestly not sure what the appropriate level of alarmed-ness is.

Thanks for the update. Hang in there, dude. A close friend of mine went through the whole spiel. Having somebody to support you is a big difference. I have a lot of respect for your dedication to your mom. 

How are you dealing with it yourself? Because I can imagine all of the attention and focus is on your mom now, but you need love and time too!

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ok I had a little slip up ahaha fuck :70_poop:

I'm back on my ColdTurkey block, now stronger than ever before (closed down the little loophole that I abused for this relapse)

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14 hours ago, taichi said:

ok I had a little slip up ahaha fuck :70_poop:

I'm back on my ColdTurkey block, now stronger than ever before (closed down the little loophole that I abused for this relapse)

What happened? 😮

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4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

What happened? 😮

I uninstalled my Blocker to play my game again. Which to be honest I was pretending to myself to be impossible.

There is this emergency removal tool that's a hidden URL in the Blocker's website. I had this URL sent to me when my Blocker was genuinely bugged and broken.

At one point I kind of noticed I still had the email with the link in it. And left it that way.

 

On an emotional level, I don't really know what happened. Waking up and feeding myself and doing all the housework was getting harder and harder each day.

Family members telling me things like "Your mum is lucky to have you at her support everyday" (which I totally wasn't) was quite immobilizing to me.

Also the fact that pretty much nobody in my family thinks gaming addiction is a real thing, even after my explaining quite a few times, was grinding on me harder than ever.

Feeling the pressure of "well just get working now that you've got something to do; your whole problem was that you had nothing important to do."

Which point of view I kind of started to adopt: "Do I even have a problem?"

 

Once again it has become very obvious that I do have a problem and it is a gaming addiction and it is bad.

After a few days of gaming 5-8hrs/day I am feeling like shit and can't stop feeling like shit. In fact this is possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life.

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On 2/26/2019 at 3:11 AM, taichi said:

I uninstalled my Blocker to play my game again. Which to be honest I was pretending to myself to be impossible.

There is this emergency removal tool that's a hidden URL in the Blocker's website. I had this URL sent to me when my Blocker was genuinely bugged and broken.

At one point I kind of noticed I still had the email with the link in it. And left it that way.

 

On an emotional level, I don't really know what happened. Waking up and feeding myself and doing all the housework was getting harder and harder each day.

Family members telling me things like "Your mum is lucky to have you at her support everyday" (which I totally wasn't) was quite immobilizing to me.

Also the fact that pretty much nobody in my family thinks gaming addiction is a real thing, even after my explaining quite a few times, was grinding on me harder than ever.

Feeling the pressure of "well just get working now that you've got something to do; your whole problem was that you had nothing important to do."

Which point of view I kind of started to adopt: "Do I even have a problem?"

 

Once again it has become very obvious that I do have a problem and it is a gaming addiction and it is bad.

After a few days of gaming 5-8hrs/day I am feeling like shit and can't stop feeling like shit. In fact this is possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life.

I understand man. I've learned through relapses that I can't be trusted when I'm having an urge. I had my girl sabotage my gaming account and she's reset the pasword and forgotten it and everything. Making it as hard as possible to relapse can really help. 

I feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and you're in a situation where you're naturally coping with pretty big things. Your mom and everything going on with her is a huge deal. It's naive to think you can wrestle with the monkey on your back AND deal with all of that at the same time without failing somewhere. You're only human, bud. Try and forgive yourself and see it for what it is: a coping mechanism, a way of fleeing from the stress of it all because you're used to this being your method. I had to learn how to deal with stress and pressure in a healthier way. Because that was my last relapse too.

And it sucks that your environment isn't more understanding. Gaming addiction is véry real. But it's also rather new. So it's not widely accepted yet, sadly.

Yes, you do have a problem buddy. Addiction are hard enemies to fight. But that why there's a forum. You're clearly not the only one struggling with this. Find solace in that.

And learn from your relapse, man. Be critical but loving to yourself. Why exactly did you relapse? What could you have done to prevent it? What can you change right now to prevent it, deal with the issues better or make it harder for your to relapse? 

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Hey Taichi,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.  It can be hard to stay on top of addictions when it seems like life it getting harder and harder everyday. 

On 2/27/2019 at 3:24 AM, Phoenixking said:

After a few days of gaming 5-8hrs/day I am feeling like shit and can't stop feeling like shit. In fact this is possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life.

When I read this, I definitely resonated with it.  I experienced some of the worst days and months of my life when I was gaming, so there has to be a connection.  Either way, I wish you the best on your continued journey to success.

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The last month has been a gaming bingefest. Hated every second of my life. Resumed abstinence on Wednesday 27th.

Mother returned from hospital this morning, and from now on my sister and I will be taking care of her meals & nutrition.

Well my sister is busy with her work so more like I will be taking care of their meals & nutrition.

I am freaking out.

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4 days since mother is home. I am less freaked out than I imagined. In fact having someone at home everyday is very helping.

 

Finally read "Your Brain On Porn" by Gary Wilson. Chapter 2 contains a sharp and concise explanation of addiction.

It's empowering to have a crystal clear understanding that addictive use of anything affects the brain in the same terrible way ("there is only one reward circuit").

Most of the material was stuff I'd already heard about, but having everything organised in book-form made it all the more powerful.

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Yesterday felt quite nice, today feeling like SHIT.

Steered myself outside for a walk in the campus. The fierce wind had me whimpering.

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I found out my feeling shit was called ketosis transition (I'm on a low-carb diet alongside my mother). What I needed was to eat lots of fat.

Edit: Read up on what a keto diet entails and I am done with that. Unsure what macro balance to go for with my mother's carb abstention.

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Last year between September and December I made my first ever 100-day no gaming streak, but relapsed quite shortly after.

So this time I'm confident about 100 days but I ought to think about how to make it permanent.

1) My blocker is on a 10-year+ timer this time instead of 100 days.

2) The opposite of addiction is connection. Making it a priority to be emotionally present with my friends & family.

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Leaving tomorrow morning for a 3-day family trip to Kofu. Not feeling up for any walking more than 30 mins. In fact not feeling up for anything. I am feeling depressed.

 

I have to stop doing this to myself.

My initial reaction to my mother proposing a family onsen trip was "No, please not now, I'm not feeling like going anywhere far."

But then next morning I was like "Yeah let's go to Kofu. Of course I want to go to Kofu."

 

It was basically the same thing for the Russia trip. And the Kumano trip.

Both times I knew full well that a family trip would only tire me and wreck my body.

Both times I came home fully fucked up and miserable. In fact after the Kumano one I had diarrhoea and fever for a full week.

 

My needs are not something everyone (including me) can ignore.

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Back from the family trip. Feeling tired but okay.

I made sure to be vocal about how I was feeling. Saying it out loud really helped, both as instant relief and as negotiation for better options.

The thing I need to work on is I tend to sound angry / hysterical when I'm saying my feelings out loud. Such typical masculinity to be uneasy with one's own feelings.

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