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taichi

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MENTALLY ENGAGING:

  • Sociology reading/writing.
  • Python.
  • Workouts.

RESTING:

  • Reading.
  • Guitar & singing.
  • Cooking.
  • Walk in the green.

SOCIAL:

  • Volunteer clean ups.
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Day 5

Pushed myself far too much yesterday. Staying out all day in the summer heat + freezing air conditioning.  Could hardly move today.

Neglected myself and binge watched garbage YouTube stuff on my mother's laptop.

Bad day. I'm thankful that my mother is back from work now.

Edited by taichi

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Day 6

Found myself browsing mmo websites. Came here to ground my senses.

End-of-term stress is here I guess.

 

Ordered a book that might be a reference for my thesis.

Also did some home improvement. Less cables on the ground.

Edited by taichi

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Day 7

Feeling myself a little bit. It's horrific to think it took me 2 full days to bounce back from exhaustion.

Also starting to realize that on weekdays I am lonely & want company. Going to school where I have no friends is a stress factor.

But then again I can't simply change that, so I'll just have to acknowledge that feeling and live with it. 

Identifying and naming stressful feelings is a good way to cope. (8:25 am)

 

Attended class today. Very pleased with myself. Maybe the beginning of a good streak of days.

Better get myself some comfy clothes for the summer. (19:55 pm)

Edited by taichi

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20 hours ago, taichi said:

Going to school where I have no friends is a stress factor.

But then again I can't simply change that, so I'll just have to acknowledge that feeling and live with it.

Well, you could always work on your social skills? Making friends is an ability that you can train, you know ?

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12 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Well, you could always work on your social skills? Making friends is an ability that you can train, you know ?

I suppose that's right. What I can't change is that being in school 2 years longer than everyone around makes me hate myself.

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11 hours ago, taichi said:

I suppose that's right. What I can't change is that being in school 2 years longer than everyone around makes me hate myself.

I disagree. You cannot change that you are in school 2 year longer than the others around you. This is a fact. So far, we're on the same page.

But you hating yourself is merely optional. This is not a given fact that is unchangeable by nature. You choose to view yourself in that way.

Thus, you can change it. You decide what is real and what is not.

I don't think you would find any person here on the forum that agrees with you not being able to change how you feel about yourself and your situation.

I'm not saying it's not understandable or easy to fix. I understand how you feel and why, don't get me wrong. But you need to realize that you do not need to hate yourself. 

Part of growing as a person is viewing yourself with some love and chill out a bit. Make mistakes, that's fine. But forgive yourself afterwards, when you've learned the lesson. 

If you keep beating yourself up over something you can no longer influence, you're just beating yourself up over nothing. Instead, forgive yourself and deal with the problem. After the problem is fixed, continue being nice and loving to yourself by making sure you never end up in a crappy situation like that ever again.

I don't know you, but if you need me, I'm here, man. All you gotta do is send me a message ?

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16 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I disagree. You cannot change that you are in school 2 year longer than the others around you. This is a fact. So far, we're on the same page.

But you hating yourself is merely optional. This is not a given fact that is unchangeable by nature. You choose to view yourself in that way.

Thus, you can change it. You decide what is real and what is not.

I don't think you would find any person here on the forum that agrees with you not being able to change how you feel about yourself and your situation.

I'm not saying it's not understandable or easy to fix. I understand how you feel and why, don't get me wrong. But you need to realize that you do not need to hate yourself. 

Part of growing as a person is viewing yourself with some love and chill out a bit. Make mistakes, that's fine. But forgive yourself afterwards, when you've learned the lesson. 

If you keep beating yourself up over something you can no longer influence, you're just beating yourself up over nothing. Instead, forgive yourself and deal with the problem. After the problem is fixed, continue being nice and loving to yourself by making sure you never end up in a crappy situation like that ever again.

I don't know you, but if you need me, I'm here, man. All you gotta do is send me a message ?

Thanks for your kind words.

Yes. I need to change the way I see myself & the world around me. That is undeniably the root of my current unhappiness & mental dead end.


I dunno how to put this, but not having friends in school still seems very unchangeable to me. The people around me & the major that I study (both of which I hate) are all part of the mistake that I made 4 years ago.

I can see I'm being very stubborn here. But that's how I see it right now.

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Could you perhaps switch majors or change schools? Or maybe join a club or take up a new hobby that gives access to a new potential social circle?

Or if you truly hate it all, just quit? And go do something else? I mean, the useful thing about shitty jobs is that because they're shitty, there is always money to be made. I have a job that I can sometimes barely stand doing. But it helps me pay the rent and I use my free time to develop my skills and myself so I can find a better one. It's hard sometimes, but in the long term it pays off.

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5 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Could you perhaps switch majors or change schools? Or maybe join a club or take up a new hobby that gives access to a new potential social circle?

Or if you truly hate it all, just quit? And go do something else? I mean, the useful thing about shitty jobs is that because they're shitty, there is always money to be made. I have a job that I can sometimes barely stand doing. But it helps me pay the rent and I use my free time to develop my skills and myself so I can find a better one. It's hard sometimes, but in the long term it pays off.

I'm looking to join a local volunteer clean-up team from next Saturday. It should be a good place to start making friends.   

Whether I'm quitting school or not, I should go get myself a job. Being able to support myself would be a great change.  

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Day 11

Well. Only started on the paper yesterday and got distracted. Distracted as in watched YouTube shit until 4 am. Need to get a grip.

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Day 0

Binged hard on games & other internet things the last 2 weeks. Ended up screwing up most of this term's classes.

Let's try again.

 

What I am thinking right now:

  • I want to graduate and get a day job. Because I want to be financially independent & be with my brilliant gf.
  • Therefore games & internet stuff don't have a place in my life.
  • I need to take self care more seriously. Eating 3 meals a day (at least 2 meals + a large snack) is the foundation to making action.

This is going to be a difficult summer for me.

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6 minutes ago, taichi said:

Day 0

Binged hard on games & other internet things the last 2 weeks. Ended up screwing up most of this term's classes.

Let's try again.

 

What I am thinking right now:

  • I want to graduate and get a day job. Because I want to be financially independent & be with my brilliant gf.
  • Therefore games & internet stuff don't have a place in my life.
  • I need to take self care more seriously. Eating 3 meals a day (at least 2 meals + a large snack) is the foundation to making action.

This is going to be a difficult summer for me.

I'm sorry that happened man. It's times like these that give you a chance to define yourself. Try to figure out what when wrong and where and why. Take a second to think about it all and what happened. Maybe you can figure out ways to prevent this for happening again in the future? 

Try not to be too hard on yourself, we're all only human. Some of us have relapses 10 times. But in those cases, it's super important you realize what's going on and you quit 11 times.

Take it bit by bit man. Baby steps if necessary. 

Keep your chin up man. Ganbatte kudasai! 

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Thanks Phoenixking!

1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

Try to figure out what when wrong and where and why. Take a second to think about it all and what happened. Maybe you can figure out ways to prevent this for happening again in the future? 

I will do that now.

1) I feel like this relapse was waiting to happen since April. That's when I slacked and started 2 weeks late to every class this semester.

Must avoid that mistake next time. That is be aware when school starts. Simple.

2) I have been feeling too much guilt for all sorts of things lately. Spending money that I didn't earn. Buying one-use plastic stuff.

Being at a class that I haven't been attending very consistently. Need to relax and have a more complex view of myself & society.

3) I didn't have a goal to work for. This relapse was also an experiment into being a game streamer, and now I understand I'm not very good at that.

My goal from now on will be to graduate (in whatever messed up form) and get a job that I can even partly relate to.

1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

Try not to be too hard on yourself, we're all only human. Some of us have relapses 10 times. But in those cases, it's super important you realize what's going on and you quit 11 times.

Thank you man. I will keep coming back to this journal.

Ganbali masu. (I prefer L as a representation of ら sound ? )

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Day 1

I am well rested and hungry. Going to get myself a breakfast. - 10:28 am

 

Been thinking about my issues.

My former psychiatrist told me about the way I function: I need to be brilliant. And when that's not seeming easy I choose not to try, rather than try and end up being mediocre.

He also gave me the name for that problem, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

But how to fix that, I never really understood, since our sessions proved to be very expensive and annoyingly slow. - 6:52 pm

Edited by taichi
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12 hours ago, taichi said:

 And when that's not seeming easy I choose not to try, rather than try and end up being mediocre.

Your problem might be a bit different from my own. But I can recognize myself in your issues.

I put the bar soooo high for myself. I  HAVE TO meditate, cook, exercise, not game, no watching porn, sleep enough, clean, organize, ... This leaves little time to relax and just be me. 

This forum has been a key in realizing that putting that much pressure on myself has the opposite effect. Asking a lot of yourself is okay if it's worth the investment. It can make you feel accomplished. But if your raise the bar too high, you're only making sure you will fail because it's a goal you can't attain but you keep on trying to do unrealistic things. And you will feel bad about that because to yourself it will seem like you just fail everyday. But it's an illusion. You need to appreciate what you do and who you are and put it into the right context and the right perspective.

I took a long time to realize that I'm actually doing fine. I don't have to be rich and popular and also be an amazing cook and have a clean place and do my 1000000 hobbies and see my friends, ... Achieving a level of greatness is hard. Because if it wasn't, everybody would do it. 

I mean, I came from a dark background. My dad's an emotionally abusive alcoholic schizo. My mom's heart is basically made of stone and her demeanor towards me is neutral at best. I had to grow up without them. I lived in a garage for 2 years. I was bullied, badly. I didn't finish any degree despite trying 4 different schools. I was addicted to games for decades. I had 3 depressions and 3 suicide attempts. I was raped once. I led the life of a starving artist for 4 years, trying to make it on TV and as a comedian. I've had my heart broken more times than I can recall. I have already had 3 serious relationships where I lived together with the girlfriend. I've been in a lethal car crash and got lucky, I walked away with a scratch or two. I beat up my sister for years. 

Honestly, it's a small miracle that I'm alive, have no drug problem or any debts. I enjoy living life. I no longer want to run. I want to go forward and improve. I like poetry and comedy, snowboarding and mixing cocktails and cooking. I have friends who make me laugh until I can't breathe anymore. If you look at where I came from, there are worse ways to live a life.

Sometimes you have to look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself as another person would. From a 3rd person's point of view. And you look at yourself with kindness and understanding. I guess it's all an exercise in being able to love and accept yourself for who you are. There is no harm in improving your life and it comes with a struggle. But for those willing to fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never understand.

 

Keep it up man. One step at a time.

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Day 2

9 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I took a long time to realize that I'm actually doing fine.

This all the way. I don't have this view of self, not in a grounded, real or sustained way. 

My parents are slightly dysfunctional people in their own rights, I suppose. A lack of trust, empathy and self-respect is what I learnt from them.

9 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Sometimes you have to look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself as another person would. From a 3rd person's point of view. And you look at yourself with kindness and understanding. I guess it's all an exercise in being able to love and accept yourself for who you are. There is no harm in improving your life and it comes with a struggle. But for those willing to fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never understand.

Thanks for the thoughtful words. Yes, I do feel that viewing myself objectively helps self respect. Gonna get myself some breakfast for a start ? 

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