Jump to content
thehondasc00py

thehondasc00py's 90-Day Videogame Detox

Recommended Posts

Day 27

Jesus, I just got off an emotional rollercoaster with 10 loops. I'm sitting next to 5+ pages of furiously journalled on paper. I've reflected and visualized, and worked through a lot of fear. Yup, I really felt it hit hard again this evening.

Here's what's happened.

Yesterday I got high and decided to restart watching my all time favorite show "Avatar: The Last Airbender" with which I have some extremely sensitive, nostalgic, warm memories. I've seen it twice, so in a ritualistic manner I had been banking on seeing it again soon the next months, with my new life, new me, etc. It seems strange but I kind of included this in my daily visualizations like half a year ago. "What my life will look like in a year; confident, happy, working on myself, successful at uni, popular, and chills out in the evening with a j watching Avatar", that was like my dream. Yesterday, I turned it into reality.

It didn't go quite as I expected. It started out great, but wait, what's that slowly, subtly creeping up on me?

h e l l o   d a r k n e s s   m y   o l d   f r i e n d

Dissonance. Dread. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. What's wrong? Wasn't this part of my Vision?

Ah, but it's still Distraction, that's the sad truth. And a very sneaky one at that. I realized, I can't on the one hand be this great, happy, confident, hard-working person while at the same time smoking weed and watching Avatar. Those are two lifestyles and two philosophies that collide and contradict on fucking principle. It's one or the other. I have problems at the moment. I'm fucking scared. And I'm seriously lonely. I go deep, I sit in solitude, I investigate, and I discover suffering. I get conscious and all the suffering underneath reveals itself. I have a problem in this life, I finally accepted that on Monday, and it required my full attention. I can't be the man I visualised while simultaneously closing up, turning away and distracting myself with entertainment at the same time.

No, that would be acting inconsistently. Inconsistently with what life has taught me so far:

  • A)Walking this path is the only thing that works and
  • B)Seeking comfort and pleasant experiences, no matter how beautiful and innocent they seem (Avatar, you divine masterpiece of a story), always leads to suffering and is unsustainable. Cycle repeats.
  • C) Freedom is possible if I continually work at it without repeatedly getting distracted

Acting consistently means acting like I have in the past 3 weeks.

And they have been amazing.

When I discovered GameQuitters, and TheXEffect right after, and got into this stuff again, when I experienced that HUGE shift on my bike in the sun, I believe it might have been on my second journal entry, day 4. That shift propelled me onto a new path, I discovered happiness and freedom I had never imagined, and since then I was KILLING IT. I was getting shit done left and right, I was keeping up my fucking habits without fail and it was so damn empowering, I felt a new level of confidence, I felt unstoppable. I was finally breaking through. My life was FINALLY changing to what I had always wanted it to be. Free, empowered, purposeful.

I need to keep this up. Homeostasis started kicking in, why? Because I've never gone further than this before. It's scary, it's unknown, it's unprecedented.

To have gone this long consistently crushing it, being motivated, working...to have gone this long without entertainment..

It seemed wrong. Like this isn't how life is. Like I need entertainment in my life, what the hell? That's how it's always been! There's always been entertainment? Yeah often it wasn't ideal and lead to suffering, but it was safe! Familiar! And besides, everyone else is doing it!

That's why homeostasis subtly starts pulling me back in. Distract, entertain, it's ok, it's normal. Can't be working all the time, right?

I got tricked.

In Uni today, I felt amazing.. Troubles gone, socializing easily, made two new friends, one is also from South Africa, one is really open about talking about reall stuff, it was great. The fear wasn't there. Instead, the good feelings of Avatar were. "Hey look, I'm fine afterall. Hey, I'll be through Avatar this weekend already anyway, let's just do it, allow myself this treat, experience all those amazing feelings again.." And even now just writing this out again, I feel that way a bit again..I understand it, even feel like agreeing with it.

But anyway I restored the files, smoked, and started watching again.

Same thing happens. Starts fine. I laugh, I smile, I feel Love.

Next thing I know I'm looking at the mess on my desk. Banana peels from snacking bananas. Dirty cutlery, my plate. Kitchen is a mess. Unopened post lying on the surface.

I got swindled.

Crack, the illusion shatters. I started valuing comfort again.

The past 3 weeks, I dropped that fucking need for comfort, and instead I valued Growth, and Work, and Truth. And it was so amazing.

And here was Comfort as a Value again. That feeling of "ok, so I'm high. cram as much avatar into that window to enjoy it at max. Ok, so i'm high and I'm watching Avatar. cram as much nice food into that window to enjoy it at max..." and that's how it goes, it's crazy. And next thing you know your desk is a mess, your belly is bloated, and you can no longer ignore the fear and the dissonance that's been building up, and you're left with "Oh, now I remember. This is what happens."

So, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you, fool me thrice shame on me. Not gonna let the thrice happen. I deleted the files+cleared recycle bin this time.

I've got issues at the moment and homeostasis is activating at the moments, so I've got to be on the fucking double for this one. Fully aware, and trading carefully. 

I'm missing safety. I just lost the safety of my childhood home and village, my parents, and now I even feel like the new safety my being in Uni and having this nice apartment offers is shaky and at risk. Shit.

So I realized the only thing that can really give me lasting, rocksolid safety whereever I go, is this Path. My routine, my efforts to grow, to learn, my habits, finding truth. That's whats needs to be my safety, what grounds me, what I can hold on for support. When I run, I feel confident. When I meditate, I feel confident. When I read and reflect, I feel confident. When I get shit done, I feel confident. Following this is so obviously right, it gives me confidence, and a degree of security. I don't want to let it go again. Not impermanent comforts and pleasurable experiences, but this. Even if it reveals pain and suffering.

I think I better start wrapping up here. I think I got most of what I experienced clarified and structured.

I know that tomorrow, I might well feel fine in Uni again. But I do have issues, and tons of stuff that still needs working through, and walking through. Maybe the hardest times ever are still ahead. Underneath it all, I'm still scared. At what the future could hold, how I may not have control over it, at not knowing what will happen. I dread the things I might have to go through. Typing this out already gives rise to negative visions in my mind's eye. Ayy atleast I still appear to have my brilliant humour. Just cracked out the funniest jokes to the south african I met yesterday on whatsapp, while simultaneously being in probably the most tumultous and maybe difficult part of my life so far. That's funny. I guess how I act and appear outwardly in Uni - cheerful, confident, outgoing - sometimes completely betrays what my life is really like on the inside. I guess that goes for us all to an extent. We're all just acting to some degree. And yet, I can't help but feel that the cheerful, confident Me is truelly who I really am without all the bullshit and fear.

I'll wrap it up here. Christ, I probably sound like a mess. But writing this journal feels so good. I can go wild and just express. Listening to the most beautiful beats while writing this, and now I feel fantastic, and the fear further lessened. Excited to see what tomorrow brings.

 

love is realer than suffering

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And I've completely forgotten about music production. Listening to this music reminds me. I said I would put it on the backburner while I adapted and made my habits rockfast. But I think it would be great for me now, I need that expression.

Goal for tomorrow: produce something.

 

PS Ive also looked into getting counselling. Sent one guy and email today (even tried phoning but no answer so email. might contact a couple more. theres so many therapists in this town, how do i choose?? i especially want to talk about the uni - expulsion thing i'm so terrified about. )

Also i knocked on that girls door again and spoke to her. easy. even met another girl in the hallway and chatted with her for quite a while. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And I've completely forgotten about music production. Listening to this music reminds me. I said I would put it on the backburner while I adapted and made my habits rockfast. But I think it would be great for me now, I need that expression.

Goal for tomorrow: produce something.

 

PS Ive also looked into getting counselling. Sent one guy and email today (even tried phoning but no answer so email. might contact a couple more. theres so many therapists in this town, how do i choose?? i especially want to talk about the uni - expulsion thing i'm so terrified about. )

Also i knocked on that girls door again and spoke to her. easy. even met another girl in the hallway and chatted with her for quite a while. 

 

It doesn't really matter I would think. With counselors the relationship needs to fit. There is no other way then trying someone out. You could also inform yourself about student counselling. Most Universitys have some of one if this is the most important topic for you.

Things which could help with your anxiety is to figure out a plan for this worst case. What would you do? I am sure there would be options for you even if you get expelled from uni. It surely wouldn't be the end of your world. Another thing which I would advice you is to stop smoking pot. I know a few people who got psychosis-like side effects especially if they consume regular. Just not worth it.

Good job with speaking to the girl. The more often you get over this the easier it get. Here is alittle free ebook about that topic which I enjoyed ("The Flinch").

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 29

I no longer fear the razor guarding my heel

Great day today. Wrote a maths exam, went really well. Took care of some online stuff. Finally uploaded a new track, even though I'm not happy with it, fk it, finally created something again, that's what counts. This evening I went to see a counsellor from the evangelic organisation for students in my town. My reasons were a) talk to someone about my fears, express them b) get a second opinion, this guy is in connection with the Uni, see what he thinks. I'm so glad I went.

On the train there I had a fantastic spiritual, almost psychedelic like experience. The sun shone into my eyes while I listened to beautiful classical music, colours intensified and it felt really romantic, in a dreamlike way, it reminded me of that scene where the girl is in the train from Miyazaki's Spirited Away. My sense of self partially dissolved, depersonalized, freeing me up, all the worries drifted away. That state is so amazing. It reminds me of how constricted and trapping and unpleasant being an Ego really is. 

The counsellor, actually he was a priest I think, was a great listener, and he thought it extremely unlikely I would get expelled if I was caught, and also that if that were to happen, he would contact the Uni and try to help me.

I'm very grateful to him for saying that

The past days I was already calming down from the paranoia so much so that I hesitated about going to him today for one moment, but what he said was the final nail on the coffin (a good coffin). I'm sure it will be fine now.

After the meeting, I saw there was a weekly chess club session on right there in the same building. So I just walked in and joined in. A nice guy played me and taught me a lot of stuff. I'm a complete novice at chess, but it's the perfect replacement for gaming. Competitive, fully strategic and skill based, research and learning required to progress, and tangible, measureable progress, skill, and confidence in your game increase. He told me about researching different tactics, playing computers, using an app, etc and it felt a lot like how one would go about improving at say League, with working at different components of the game, researching etc and then putting it all into practice.

I eventually came home, and had a fantastic phone call with my Mum. We've had a lot of issues over the past, and just last weekend when my parents came over to help, I was an ungrateful dick. But we sorted it out, I love her and appreciate her very much, just sometimes I forget it.

And then just for good measure, after eating my supper (have I ever mentioned that I'm an amazing cook?) I went out to the student bar to socialize. Had a great time there too. I'm proud of myself that I can go out at night and stay sober, but still have fun and socialize really well. Definetely not everyone can. I'm also proud of myself for going to see that counsellor.

 

Missing the train called Me
Rays of light shine through,
it's all a dream, is it true?
no me and no you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 30 

"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible. Then they seem improbable. And then, when we summon the will, they become inevitable".-Christopher Reeve

^That quote gives me a mental boner^

Super early journal entry for me, but I needed it because I felt I was slipping. Woke up super groggy this morning, meditation was dreadful, and afterwards I just craved watching some Avatar so bad. Flooded with great memories, I just felt like it was ok to watch now. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm turning this into something bigger than it really is. I'm probably turning this into something bigger than it really is. My thought process was a) I've gotten over this week's fear, I'm confident I won't get expelled, thus there are no direct problems that need my attention and b) I've had a fucking hard week, which I absolutely mastered. Now it's behind me, it's the weekend, and I deserve a break. It makes sense, but I knew I need to come here, read my past entries on the topic, remind myself of the reasons for my decision, to really make an objective judgement.

Reading Day 27 definetely changed my perspective again. Damn, that's quite a journal entry huh. So I stopped watching because it invokes Homeostasis (or rather, is a result of homeostasis manifesting), and it strokes and nurtures valuing Comfort instead of Growth and Work. I want to keep valuing the latter and not fall in to the former again.

I'm being dramatic. I'll ride it out, see where life takes me. I need to continue to encourage myself to find safety in my path instead of in comforts and pleasure. 

If cravings are present, suffering is present. It means the present moment is not sufficient, not satisfying. Investigate that.

Also, when in doubt, read over past journal entries. That's incredibly powerful. Infact, I have another 5 pages on paper from Day 27, I'll go over them now for good measure. And then go for my bloody run and cold shower, that never fails to clear my head up and shift my perspective. Probably also time to check out another podcast.

Thank you @WorkInProgress, I will read the flinch. And thanks for tuning in to my journal. @SlackRamen, you're fired. Where is that fker anyway? Chilling in chilly Helsinki, or languishing in the depths of Relapseville? Hopefully our brother is in the former.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 33

I haven't posted the last few days because well, firstly I was really busy, but really I just didn't know what to write. I haven't felt like journaling. I am doing great though. My routine is strong. My habit board is filling up. I will take a picture and post it tomorrow. The biggest "problem" I'm facing is really fitting everything in. There's so much I want to do now:

  • running
  • meditation
  • lectures, and self-revising
  • reading
  • inner work
  • music production and eventually piano practice
  • join a chess club
  • join a kickboxing club
  • yoga class
  • going out and socialising

And I want to go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6am. But at the same time I need to go out to bars and socialize. I decided I would make an X Effect Board for going to bed at 10PM, if I go to bed at 10pm I get a cross, but if I go to a social event instead I get a circle.

Sunday was a big day.

I went on my first psychedelic trip. The substance was 225mcg of AL-LAD, an analogue of LSD. I have a proper trip report on paper, but I won't put it all down here. The main takeaways, watered down and compressed, were:

  1. I have been repressing the horny, sexual, animalistic aspect of myself. During the trip, a massive amount of sexual energy arose. Extreme arousal. I realized I'm a guy and I want sex. The past 6 months I haven't given a shit about sex or any of that. It's been so unimportant. But the drug showed me I definitely do desire it, and I want to improve in the sex and relationship part of life. I'm still level 1 there. It's lagging behind hard. There are two forces: the force pulling me toward growth, and higher consciousness, and the animalistic force pulling me down towards safety. Where the two opposing forces contract from, friction and energy arises, manifesting usually as anxiety. I have a lot of fear around sex, with some bad experiences ("failures") in the past. But I went through a worst-case scenario in vivid detail and it wasn't bad at all.
  2. I have huge value to give to the world. I started listening to my latest track, hollow, and realized it was perfect. I had created something fantastic. I have so much creativity and skills inside me. As a child I was so skilled and creative. All of this got beaten under during school and gaming, but it's still there. I just have to start honing it, cultivating it, and putting it to good use. I want to be am amazing artist, and leave incredible pieces of art on this Earth.
  3. Reality is so incredibly complex and beautiful, but this beauty usually goes unseen when consciousness is low and closed up to it. This journey is about opening up consciousness to be more receptive to the beauty prevalent throughout all of life.

Practical steps to integrate what was learned:

  1. Continue to hone and cultivate my creative skills. Continue music production.
  2. Join an organisation. I want to help people. While traveling through Cambodia, and visited S-21 and the Killing Fields and saw the remains and pictures of all the people locked up, tortured and killed there by the Khmer Rouge regime. While traveling through Indonesia, I climbed volcanoes and spoke to the sulphur miners to trek up and down the volcanoes 2-4 times a day, inhaling the fumes and carrying packs weighing up to 80kgs. Every single fucking day. Just for a wage of 5euros a day to survive and provide for their families. Incredibly humbling. I want to honour these people by helping to alleviate the suffering currently in the world.
  3. Speak to more girls. Meet more girls.

So today, walking into the lecture hall I didn't join my friend, but went straight to the middle row and introduced myself to the girls sitting there. Talked with them for a bit but didn't take it further than that. Like I've said before, I have no trouble talking on a superficial level but little experience bringing it deeper. That's what I need to work on. Going to yoga later today.

Crack, buzz, ripple, heat
warm glow, vibratory flow
such is energy

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey it seems like you are doing a lot of exploring right now which is great. The problem to fit it all in is a natural consequence of that. Now is the time to make the next step. In my opinion this step is equally important. Prioritize. Pick 3-5 Things out of the List of things you want (need/must) to do. These are your main goals for the next month. Forget about the rest and just focuse entirely at them and to be the best at them you can be.

This will give you a muhc deeper experience and let you catually choose if you want to explore more things afterwards or just are afraid to commit to some activities.

Atleast in my experience it is easy to make a tons of exciting plans and never follow through with it. The only antidote to that is prioritization imho.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 35

@WorkInProgress You are right of course. I must meditate on this.

Had a late, turmultous night yesterday and slept in this morning, missing a lecture. Got my miracle morning done regardless and had a good day the rest of the day. Got a lot done, and I'm running quite early. Some subtle uneasiness, self-consciousness and jumpiness this afternoon, but I had drunk a lot of coffee. I can definitely feel some homeostasis and lack of focus, so I shall continue to be vigilant and double down on my routine.

Goals for tomorrow: produce a new track

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 36

1. I fucking killed it today. It was a rush, so much so that I can't even remember everything that happened. I'm having trouble getting to sleep at the moment but got up at my set time anyway and did my miracle morning, and got to class on time. First day in the lab, and I pair up with a new friend. He's south african like me, and we've been getting along great. We have great fun completing our assignment. Afterwards we hit the mensa. Wow, turns out this guy is doing exactly the same diet as me. Afterwards we get tea and coffee, continue talking outside. There's a lot we have in common. We speak about current affairs in south africa, and other things. It's in these engaging conversations that I feel so fucking alive. It's incredible.

And he's not the only friend I've made. Wow, I just remembered a couple weeks ago I set myself a quest "Make a friend". Well, let's just say I Aced it, top score, and then did it again, and again. I've met some great guys. Couple of german guys, couple of international guys. Interesting people, engaging people. People I feel happy with, comfortable with. People I've shared laughs with, who I've already given value to, and have already given value to me. Wow. This is genuinely incredible. I've already met more interesting people than in my entire school life. Why? Because I firmly believe that my current consciousness, and attitude, allows me to find them. And I've also shared more of myself already than I ever did in school. I've shared my passions, I've told people about my passion in personal development, showed them the music I have produced. I've shared myself, and it feels great. Talking with one guy, we stumbled onto the topic of sex, and I mentioned that I had never had sex (yet). Wtf? Never done that before. And it just came easily. No big fucking deal.

2. The thing is, we keep all these secrets about ourselves. Bottle them down, and try to keep them hidden. That's where they cause problems. We hate them, we feel ashamed, we feel like a failure. And no one must know! Yet they creep up regardless, influencing our behaviours, moods, influencing the entire fabric of our reality.

But there's an alternative. We can open ourselves up and share them. This is precisely what our ego does not want, it fears judgement, it fears exclusion, it even fears death. But paradoxically, upon sharing, upon being absolutely transparent and honest, the problem vanishes. Like Tyrion Lannister said, turn your shames into your armour, and no one can ever hurt you with it. It's out there, no one can take it, because you gave it. Now you can relax and be happy with your integrity flourishing and boom, GENUINE SELF WORTH.

And that's not all. It turns out we're not the only ones with problems, and insecurities, and doubts. Everyone fucking has them. Really, it's true! We just don't always share it. We keep the ugly secrets bolted down, all out of sight. Sharing them puts them in a new light. Suddenly they're not quite so ugly anymore. 

3. Returning to my day, little detour there, but after we went our ways, I decided to give my man @Brad_Hurst a call. I really enjoyed speaking to you mate and it was probably the highlight of my day. Just randomly calling someone for no particular reason was something I had never done before, but it felt so right, and natural. What the fuck? Gonna do that kind of thing more often, just check in with people, get out of my head, strike up a fkin conversation even if there's no immediate need or reason for it. Having the conversation in of itself is the reason. 

4. I got home, took care of some stuff, and got to reading. (Reading is a new X-Effect habit I'm setting up. 30mins a day). After dinner (bomb ass curry yo), just for good measure, I went and introduced myself to some of the other people living in this house, well I said I would do it but I was pretty exhausted from the day and really didn't feel like it anymore. But I said I would do it, so I did it. The first was a guy my age who I had received a post package for while he was away, so I started there. "hi how are you, wanna hang out and get to know eachother?" It was hard but I went through with it. Unfortunately he said he was going out, but seemed open to the idea so I told him another time, and I would come again Sunday. I went to the girl in the neighboring apartment next. I showed her my apartment, and we chatted for a bit. She was nice. Then I went to a guy 2 floors up who had been kind enough to let me use his washing machine when I had been knocking on doors asking to lend one a week ago. He wasn't there. But hey, I knocked. Lastly I tried the other guy neighboring me. Dude, shirtless, blunt in hand, opens up and I get the dankest whiff of weed with strobe lights and rap in the background. Introduced myself like a baws, unfortunately he didn't really give a shit, was like "Yeah ok cool", and shut the door. And so what? That's totally fine too. The outcome doesn't fucking matter. Shame though, would be nice to have a dealer literally next door. Ah well.

Tomorrow, I'm traveling to Cologne to spend the day with another guy who had reached out to me online from a different forum, also personal development oriented. We already spoke on the phone and resonated too. So I'm excited about that.

I really feel like it's happening, my life is becoming incredible, it's what I've been visualising, and working at, the last 2 years. I'm eternally grateful. Now I just need to make sure I don't sabotage myself. I got the sense I was holding myself back, with limiting beliefs like "I'm not worthy". I'm going to do further investigation on these.

Peace!

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 37

"The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Yet another fantastic day. Today I traveled to Cologne to meet the aforementioned guy. We visited Cologne's Osho Meditation Centre and enjoyed a nice kundalini meditation there. Basically you shake and vibrate your body to some music 15 mins, then you flow and dance 15 mins, then meditate 30 mins.

Afterwards we walked around, talked about personal development, I asked him about his pickup - practice. I decided it would be best to come along with him to the club next week and see how I do. I'm reluctant to enter the rabbit hole of the chimpish pickup-game and fear getting distracted, or reattaching to social validation. On the flip side, I want to improve my social skills, I want to get good with girls, I want experience with girls. It will show me the friction in my life, make stuff come up (fear, assumptions, limitations) for me to work through and break. I can learn more about myself and what I need to work on, and I can transform myself. Eventually, I can drop it again.

My pursuit of consciousness however, will always have to come first. I continue my routine, investigating myself, my beliefs, my behaviours, and my feelings. Tomorrow I commence on my second psychedelic trip. This time I shall focus on not getting too distracted by the experience, and rather on meditating and inquiring.

Walking through Cologne
So many different persons,
all wrapped up in life

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 40 

My friends, we are who we believe we are. This is not some pretty kitchen quote, this is the simple, and sometimes ugly, truth. After my second AL-LAD trip, I did some deep inner work and discovered a total of 5 negative core assumptions (negative beliefs) about myself sitting there and causing trouble. I worked through them effectively, and I think I have dropped them. I felt a great joy and freedom afterwards. The next day in Uni, my communication with people was drastically more open, free, and easy. 

Hmm, what to write?

My week is fucking BUSY. I have 1000 things to do. I have a lot of lectures. Every day is chock full. On friday I have a job interview. It's about teaching english extracurricular. To be honest, I have no clue where I'm going to fit that in. But I need some extra money. Its only halfway through October and I'm already in debt, down in the minus. Shit. For the first time in my life I'm truly learning what stress is. It's ok though, I'm completely equipped to handle all this. A walk in the park for the current Me.

I went to my second yoga class today. Wow. Incredible. I don't think I've ever sweated that much. It was fantastic. It's so good for me. And then next wednesday will be my first Thai Kickboxing class.  @Brad_Hurst prepare to get your ass kicked if I ever come down to fookin britain.

I also took out a couple movies from the library yesterday. I started watching one, one I had always wanted to watch, and literally got half way before I realized I had actually already seen this movie. What the fuck? Early alzheimers? That was pretty funny. Waste of time too though.

Hmm really not sure what else to write. Oh yeah, finally got round to producing another song today. But I just listened to it with earphones and realised I'm not happy with the sound, so I need to make some adjustments and reupload, then I'll post. Hardly anyone reads my journal but listen to the track guys!! It will be nice.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 And then next wednesday will be my first Thai Kickboxing class.  @Brad_Hurst prepare to get your ass kicked if I ever come down to fookin britain.

 

Bring it on kiddo!
It's awesome! :)

Kinda curious about that AL-LAD, what is that all about? :o
 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 And then next wednesday will be my first Thai Kickboxing class.  @Brad_Hurst prepare to get your ass kicked if I ever come down to fookin britain.

 

Bring it on kiddo!
It's awesome! :)

Kinda curious about that AL-LAD, what is that all about? :o

It's a psychedelic drug. Psychedelics are tools that have been used by humanity for centuries to open up perception, attain altered states of consciousness, attain wisdom, or increase creativity. It's a deep rabbit hole!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As someone who previously have had a "no go"-attitute towards all drugs, I'm now beginning to reconsider. I've heard from many sources that psychedelic drugs can have profound and long-lasting (permanent?) effects on your life (self-perception and view of the world.)

Is this true in your experience? Would psychedelics be something you might recommend? (Of course the practicalities of taking drugs is a whole other deal, but theoretically)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As someone who previously have had a "no go"-attitute towards all drugs, I'm now beginning to reconsider. I've heard from many sources that psychedelic drugs can have profound and long-lasting (permanent?) effects on your life (self-perception and view of the world.)

Is this true in your experience? Would psychedelics be something you might recommend? (Of course the practicalities of taking drugs is a whole other deal, but theoretically)

Oh man, it is so true. From the get-go, abandon the notion that these are just "drugs", like cocaine or alcohol.

As I see it, they are tools that abide by one simple mechanism: they deepen your state of consciousness by various degrees. (Or raise it, depending on your preferred perspective/wording).

The first step to any kind of self-discovery or transformation is open-mindedness. Radical open mindedness.

Most of our suffering arises from being so constricted in our millions of beliefs and assumptions about everything we just assume to be inherently true about life. But a couple of trips will show you that reality is really so crazy, paradoxical and counter-intuitive that you can start unravelling that stuff and move towards a new mode of being, one of openness, formlessness, detachment. It's awesome. The rabbit hole goes deep. 

So if you feel ready, give it a go. These substances require vast respect however, and an openminded approach. A complete surrender to the experience and what the substance wants to show you about your own uncognized, subconscious mind and reality. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 62, I believe

Checking back in here.

I had almost abandoned this beautiful forum because, well, I have transformed so drastically the past month, it's like past Me's have died and new Me's have emerged, and I'm kind of picking up the torch of the past Me's. Gaming was no longer anything I associated with, completely, so I reckoned I would leave GC behind me. 

But I did observe some fast flashes, some World of Warcraft triggers, and figured it would not hurt to keep this going loosely. 

So, life is fantastic.

There's a vast reservoir of excitement, trust, self-worth, and love deep inside me which I have finally tapped into. Life is so bizarre and different from the limited worldview that was held previously. 

I've gotten into pickup, the term in the lingo is "Game", which is funny considering the context here, but I guess it's cool because it's like my new Game. Except that now, the Game is going out, meeting people, levelling up this Avatar I, the Ghost in the Machine, find myself in, in the girls and social life department. It's really cool. 

The doors that open through APPROACHING AND TALKING TO PEOPLE, whoever they are, are amazing. It's a completely new way of life. It's so cool.

I find myself quite swamped, but still in kinda a good way. I'm so passionate and into my spiritual journey pursuing enlightenment, and my journey practicing Game, and at the same time trying to navigate through University...it's so much. But I'm detached and very trusting. I can do this.

I wonder what life could look like in one year?

Probably not how I expect.

I practice letting go of every moment and seeing the world with fresh new eyes every new moment. 

Hmm, the words have stopped coming. I should get back to studying anyway.

Peace out yo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just ran back to the forums with my tail between my legs lol

I was glancing at my reddit homepage, and saw a StopGaming post about a guy quitting WoW, I read his post, and he mentioned...

...BlizzCon is on right now and the new expansion trailer is out.

Ohhhhh shiiiiiiieeeeeeet

This is the moment I was waiting for. I have not watched it. I will not watch it. Atleast not now in my life. Hey, I don't even have WiFi in my apartment. I can't game. I don't want to, it just doesn't work. If a behaviour doesn't work, abandon it. I won't watch my life crumble around me.

The feelings I feel are quite interesting. Happiness and excitement at my strength and detachment, but mixed with...curiosity. I am curious indeed. Hmm.

What's gonna happen? Will I tiptoe around the internet, avoiding news of the next expansion, until one day I'm standing in the train station and BOOM a poster advert hits me in the face? That should be quite interesting ;)

Nah, I don't think I need to tiptoe. It's cool. I'll treat the topic with mild interest, detachment, and trust in myself.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 69

Hello there,

It's time for another update, and it's a big one. Oh boy, where to start?

Last weekend was awesome. My game (lingo for social skills with girls) is improving and I'm becoming more and more sure of myself. There's this girl I've hung out with at a couple of parties, I'm into her and she's really into me. On Saturday, I told myself I would kiss her. It was time to push the envelope, step it up, get out of my comfort zone, do something new. No matter what outcome, I would DO it, I would try.

So, I walked into that party like a baws, and my game was fantastic. We had a great time. Eventually, I got up and pulled her outside. Adventure! Lo and behold, her friends rush out after us and pull her back in. Not even subtle. Lmao. 

Alright so that blatant cockblock stung but I wasn't giving up. Finally another moment comes when we're alone on the couch. I prepare to move in and boom, one of her friends comes in and sits down next to us.

Bitch, could you not!!??

Alright this is getting ridiculous. My buddy agrees. This one girl that keeps cockblocking is a snake. And I thought we were friends, daym.

Alright, one last go, I'm doing this. Me and my buddy prepare to bounce to a different party because this one is lame, I get my girl and tell her to say goodbye to me outside (guess what, of course I asked her to come with us but my buddy revealed after some inquiring that she was being pressured by her friends not to come). I crack some jokes, then move in, she puts up some resistance, I start kissing her neck, then her snake girlfriend runs out, pulls her away and hisses "SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND, SIMON". 

Fuck this, me and my buddy bounce. I did everything I could, gave it my all. I did what I said I would do, I pushed my envelope, I kept my word, I won. That girl's bf cheated on her a couple weeks back and they've been on a super rocky relationship since, captain cockblock and me flirted hella hard first time we met and I'm convinced she just doesn't want to see me and her friend together. 

Has a man ever been cockblocked as hard as I was that night? Lmao, whatever man.

The day after, Sunday, I take Psilocybin Mushrooms my first time. Small dose, but I go DEEP regardless.

Short, watered down summary of my trip report:

  • After some initial anxiety I settle down and listen to some minimalist meditative music
  • I explore my inner world, which at first seems to be some huge underground archive as the setting for some shamanic induction
  • Eventually I see "me", sitting here on my cushion as a faceless, formless Buddha, and actual Me sitting beside me. I face us toward eachother, Buddha asks Simon 'How do you view yourself?" Initially, he is insecure and caught off guard. He recovers, starts to open up and become sure of himself. After some descriptions ("intelligent, open..." that mf flips the script, pointing at me, asks "And who are YOU?"
  • At that moment the music turns somewhat ominous. As I sit with the question "Who am I?" distractions begin to arise. Ego does not want the question contemplated seriously.
  • Towards the end of my trip I get the extrenely clear sense of BODY. My body feels so intrinsically PHYSICAL, present, beautiful, solid. I get the real sense that I am feeling it as a physical CREATION molded into form out of a Formless Substrate from which everything emerges into form. The same substrate the table or the music emerges from.
  • My body=molded matter, my emotions=intricate art painted onto the canopy of life, my thoughts=songs writting by the invisible hand of the Substrate
  • I now feel an infinite, boundless resevoir of warm Energy, Confidence, Enthusiuasm, Trust, and Love within me. I feel incredibly good.
  • I come back and start babystepping my way back up to normal, egoic life, trying as I might to pull the insights with me, embody them, but much is already forgotten...

It was a great trip and I look forward to the next one.

 

So that was the "good" stuff.

Next week, I crash. I get some ego backlash. Homeostasis. I feel burnt out. I just want to eat nuts and watch movies. Not good. I feel bloated after eating which makes me angry. I don't feel like going to Yoga or Kickboxing, don't feel like contemplating or being productive, I'm slipping up.

I fail yet another practical at Uni. That makes 4 that I must repeat next year. That sucks.

I don't want to become a scientist. I feel that the program is not right for me afterall. I'm in my head, I'm triggered, I'm egoic. The uncertainty about my programm, my digestive problems and my lack of drive all trigger stress and anger, from which I escape into movies and procrastination.

On tuesday, I decided fuck it, I'm curious what the next WoW expansion is all about. Super cool Void expansion like I was guessing? Eh, it's only a matter of time untill I see adverts. I have a free day, I'm gonna get it over with. Watch the trailer mindfully, observe how I react.

So I watch the trailer, the cinematic, some Blizzcon, read some threads.

I have to say, I think it went well. I was actually quite disappointed with the trailer! It was not what I had been expecting or hoping for, the premise and the colour palette of the new continent both seemed rather dull, and all in all, it's definitely the expansion reveal that has hyped me the least. So that's a good thing, now it will be easier to deal with.

Today, I went and browsed YouTube for some discussion on the expansion, but only 30mins or so. I think I'm done now. Yeah, I have thoughts of playing it. I do think I probably will give it a spin when it releases, but with a strict commitment to get in, see the content, and get the fuck out again before the Grind sucks me in and it all turns to shit.

But that is still like 8-12 months away anyway. So much time to make further gains in Life untill then.

I also had other minor gaming cravings for Shadow of Mordor 2. The first one had been pretty much Game of the Year for me, and peeking into my neighbour's window the other day, I saw him playing it. Damn, I thought, I really want to try out that game :P

So, I'll let the cravings and thoughts sit there, and let them pass. They will pass, fade away and I won't be thinking about it anymore for a few weeks.

Still, I see this as a new phase in my detox. And I see that I am not completely free of my Gaming past after all. Vigilance and radical self honesty salted with discipline and inspiration is still required. So I'll probaby be posting here more often again afterall.

Tonight, I went to shit. Started watching a documentary with a big plate of food. Usually food+entertainment is a risky move. That shit is addicting and unconscious.

Again my stomach felt super full, didnt want to go to kickboxing, I felt generally shit, and I thought enough is enough, I need to sit down and contemplate and work through this stuff.

I lie down and fall asleep. Lol. Wake up one hour later feeling super scared and disorientated. I turn off the lights and go back to bed. I feel very worried that I have backslided into former selves. Or that I never transformed at all, and my old, weak, beta self was still under there. Shit.

Eventually I say NO, I need to do some inner work. Seriously. I turn on the lights and get cracking. I visualise what my life will look like if I continue down this trajectory of comfort, pleasure, laziness, procrastination. Horrible. A bleak reality. I've been there so many times. Yes, it was easy, but I've always suffered below. It was never sustainable. It was stagnation. It hurt me, it hurt the people around me. I could not let this shit happen again.

I visualise my life with the Path. I remember how amazing my life has been these past 2 months, how productive I've been, how much I've transformed. I remember there's a whole world with countless amazing experiences and opportunities out there for me, and with the Path, I can do anything. There's people I could help, an impact I could make. I could make an impact on the world. So much potential. Do I really want to throw it all away?

I swing back and forth between these two Visions. I let out all my anger, my suffering with the negative vision, and feel grateful and positive with the good vision. 

Eventually I'm feeling pretty good. I get up, and start cleaning my apartment, something I've been needing to do some time now. I clean out everything, wipe it all down, take out the trash.

God, that feels so good. The state of your room reflects your state of consciousness and vice versa. Tidy room, tidy mind.

So, I think I'm back on track now. I'm going to beat this. I'm going to keep going. The Path. The Path. THE PATH. It's the best thing ever. It's the only thing I will ALWAYS have with me, no matter what. Growth, understanding. Cling to these things, not comfort, not pleasure, not validation.

Let's DO this.

Couple practical things:

What are my percieved problems in life right now?

  1. University situation. I'm not passionate about my program, I dont think I would make a good scientist, I dont want to. I want to be creative. I want to use my creative talents. As I gain more self trust and confidence, I've been thinking of entrepeneurship. Maybe studying Business would suit me more afterall. Or become a Life Coach. I'm good at helping others and giving advice. Or take the leap and start a business. How amazing that would be. I want to lead, or atleast self employ.  I just dont know where to start looking for alternatives. Study Business? Theres a program here at the same university, so I wouldnt need to move out. But it only starts in one year. Maybe drop studying alltogether, get a job and start an online business? Scary but what if I COULD...but my parents would not support it. They want me studying, and I need their financial support. Or do I??!!
  2. Diet/Digestive issues. I've been craving snacks when I get home. The only snack I have is nuts, so I've been eating a lot of nuts, more than I should. And I'm constantly feeling full, my belly is annoyingly big. I think I'm having some digestive issues. This makes me angry I hate it when I get this. Especially since theres no apparant reason, I hate ultra healthy and nothings changed. I hate when something doesnt make sense. Ego needs to understand. I need to suck it up and just eat less until it sorts itself out or maybe even see a doctor. Go One Meal A Day.
  3. Lack of drive/Burnout/Ego backlash I feel a lot better now. Will have to see how I feel tomorrow. Keep reminding myself of my dreams and goals though. Enforce some fucking discipline. Also, I forgive myself. :)

Taking Action

  1. Start jogging again. Every morning. I need that extra exercise in my life. Remember the benefits: physical, endurance, cognitive performance, starting the day right, cold shower etc. I need to get those Miracle Mornings going again. New X Effect card.
  2. Ironclad Rule: 2 movies a week, MAX. If I'm tired, bored, unmotivated: READ A FUCKING BOOK. I have so many.
  3. Read books. Read books. Read books. Read books.
  4. Sit down be still sit down be still sit down be still

 

Until next time suckers. Btw gonna start being more active here again. No one relapses on my watch.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 70

Day started off awesome. Really got a nice miracle morning. 30mins meditation, some contemplation, then a fantastic run and cold shower. Doing great, came into Uni and could focus on the lecture the entire 90 minutes.

Then I hit the library and ran into a bit of a pickle. I spotted the girl from the party sitting there. Thinking we were on good terms, I went up said hello and sat down. I tried to make some conversation but realized quickly that it was fucking awkward. To make matters worse, her snake cockblocking friend came up, greeted me in a sarcastic kind of way and sat down. They chatted there and I just sat at my PC lol. Eventually I spotted out of the corner of my eye the friend sneaking in a picture of me. I should have spoken up and called her out on her silly bullshit, but I didn't. I was in fight or flight mode and just keeping my head down amongst the perceived hostile environment. that shit was just in my head though. Eventually I said fuck this, said goodbye and left.

Contemplating the scenario afterwards, I realized a few thing.

  • Firstly, I behaved like a chode. I kept my head down, and was basically submissive. I perceived myself to be in a threatening environment. But this is in my head. Actuality: 4 bags of flesh sitting at a table. Big fucking deal. Anyway, I was bummed out at myself for acting beta and submissive, but I forgive myself. Along this Path, old habits and behaviors slip in. I intend to have them happen less and less.
  • Have boundaries. I don't need people in my life that disrespect other people or manipulate in a dishonest manner. Thats all pathetic bullshit and usually comes from ones own insecurities and low self esteem. But if i let that get to me, what does that say about myself? I have work to do. I never want to behave like a beta chode again. That shit sucks.
  • Its not about confronting others to cause a conflict, its about respecting YOURSELF. No one else can truly disrespect or hurt me, only I can do that. No one else even knows ME, so how could anyone disrespect ME. But if something is bullshit, and I don't speak up about it, im just disrespecting MYSELF.
  • Always respect yourself, because no one else is going to do it for you. Thats your responsibility. You can't have other people love and respect you. Other people do not know you like you do, other people are unreliable. The only one who can truly love and respect yourself is yourself. Stop looking for it elsewhere because you won't find it.

Ok so this triggered my ego, which is useful to see. It reminds me i still have such a long way to go, lots of work to do. it shows me the friction. its taught me a lesson, a valueable one i would be wise to embody fully. Don't be a chode, always stand up for yourself, always respect yourself, do not seek respect and validation from others.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Its just bullshit how much energy we expend looking for validation and respect from others instead of just simply giving it to ourselves and being done with it. I wonder how much energy would be freed up from cutting out that behavior for good..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...