Zeke's Daily Journal

[zeke365]

Quote

Due to not having enough time to write a quality response, I just want to say briefly that I enjoy reading your journal.  You have a good outline set-up and end the journal with what you're grateful for.  You are also very astute in reflecting about your behavior, thoughts, and feelings.  I see so much potential and am inspired.

Also, wow....Days 221-224.....you're rocking this.  : )

 

Thanks, Dannigan 

 

Days 225-227

Now I want you to realize something in my last post, I never mention live-action movies or series this because these types of tv shows and movies will be allowed during the summer fast and since I have very little live action movies this makes it even better. 

The second reason is sometimes we need to put ourselves (or at least me) where were forced to do something some else or a call back to reality and not fantasy. 

A few years ago I would do fast but unlike everyone else I would look over the year and see what I did the most wether be internet, video games, or anime/cartoons and that would be the thing I fast for that month but over time I stopped that and this why Summer fast is so important to me, I reviewed myself, what is keeping from going somewhere and said since this is a big distraction lets fast this,

Also, I m going to be adding some new things in here.

I will start to learn python which originally I wanted to design worlds for my online game was why bought it, but now I can learn it to have something new to learn as well build math skills in addition to this, Plus a math book I have that I will practice in. 

Now I do see a problem with VR and so what I want to do is when I start making a video in VR (someday) that we can offer way out when they're inside a VR headset. Because not everyone is willing and I know this might sound like my game addiction kicking in but there another software on steam I was using called TRynobuilder in which you build visual novels which I tried to learn a little bit of never got too far on that one. We could not say we should go do like a game quitters scenario of visual novels showing reality from fantasy to get people out of the immersive experience if they want to escape. 

Yes, there still 3 or experiences would like to experience myself but 2 of them are not out yet so I wait and focus on what I can do now.

The other thing I did try to learn was a blender and still might because I got some basics down. 

So what this week look like well I need to step back and stop doing what I was doing before making expectations so starting today and every Sunday I will call it elimination Sunday  what this basically means all social media expect facebook, game quitters, youtube will still be open for research purposes as well as class I m taking.  The Monday through Thursday I will make no exceptions to any of it but game quitters and news will still be open but that about it and email.

 

1.Monday Japanese, plus python and math book

2.Tuesday: Orginal movies/projects

3.Wednesday: Reviews/edited reviews

4.Thursday: Grammer girl

5.Friday: social media and everything opens only

6.Saturday: everything open

7.Sunday: Limited research youtube/facebook/google no expectations to anything else.

So I returning back to what I did in Jauarnury and I hope this help prioritize things too.

So until next time have a wonderful day

Grateful:

1.God

2.Bible

3.Family

4.Life

5.Opportunities

6.Job

7.ddirection

 

 

[zeke365]

changes to the plan I won't be doing the python book but instead learning scratch programming partly because it will be way easier to learn and hopefully build math skills. 

[zeke365]

Days 228-233

Okay, I gonna do another reflection time: 

Reflection Time: A few weeks back I relapse a little by downloading anime lap game where you just sit on anime girl lap then felt really bad and got rid of it. I have also started seeing my old habits come to light as well.

So I started asking the question why am I relapsing, what am I  want, why do I want to return to gaming and what does gaming have that I desire the most? As I started asking these questions I began to realize that social anxiety is one of the roots of the problem and this has to do with anime as well. Since I have never really been a big social person myself and finding it hard to talk to people as well, even if they talk to me I still felt empty and seemed to cling to a person without meeting new people even though I go to social groups all the time or the ones I know. The one I going to tonight I have a feeling will be better.

The second thing is this had to do when I was younger when I was bullied as kid because a kid I was always loner and I still remember some people saying you never amount anything and I think that has scared me so bad that I cope with anime and video games all the time, I have never dealt with these emotions instead I would put bandage on it every single time.

Even though I feel encouraged by others, I still feel empty.

This brings me to my next point and what I found out about this relapse and that is I envy and Jealous of everyone on youtube who has successful youtube channels weather be gaming, cartoons, anime, even in church I always saw everyone moving forward and yet I can't seem to move forward myself. This seems to be the reason why I will start well at first then drop off later, it because unconsciously I believe this.

It seems extremely hard to accept these emotions rather than masking them from anime, cartoons, tv, etc.  

I want to have planned for the future but all my plans seem to be stuck in my room and I hate that and would like to get out more.

There a few things I have been considering is buying a laptop so I could take it public places rather sit home so I can get work done. Though I do not even trust myself with internet anymore.

Sure it seems like I have a plan and I can do it to extend then all of sudden I stop.

Though I glad I did relapse because this relapse brought out these emotions that I did not know I have heck I even envy Cam for his susscuss. Though a lot of times I will trade one thing for another and I need to accept that life is not that way and accept what has happened has happened and moved on.  It seems hard to accept that fact.

Mistakes watching gaming VR, VR headsets, and just having those things. going to church less and I think that was keeping in alignment as well so starting this week I gonna go more often.

I still plan to do the anime/cartoon fast in June and I really do not want to do it which makes it perfect heck I even confused anime from real people sometimes, and envy everyone in anime.

so this something I thought to share and lessons I learning don't be sad of relapse as cam said, try to figure out why? So I think may have the most underlining issue or root cause of it and it also explains why to Isolate myself from other people and pokemon was a coping mechanism for that.

grateful

1.Gamequitters community

2.Stopgaming

3.God

4.Church

5.Life

6.grandparnets

7.New social group 

[zeke365]

Thanks, Dannigan

I did watch the video and helps a lot.

Days 234-250

I have relapsed a little more but I think I know what going on now. 

So I started rereading my journals again cause I wanted to find where I relapsed and where I went downhill, but what I found is a theme in all of the Journals that I did not see before. The two themes that kept coming up were Self-dought and growing up. I was shocked to learn that seemed to be the theme here. So basically I have created unconscious mentality not to grow up in mind even if I m growing older and still maintain that childlike mindset and, this one of the roots of the problem I found and that when I build momentum like this year I become self-doubt not believing in myself. 

So this the reason I relapse in looking at VR, anime VR, VR headsets, games, etc. I only played one which was a demo at star gazed on sam gear VR but that about it. So now I know the problem and I have the solution and over the last few days, I was asking myself why I am waiting? I should deal with this now. 

So without further ado, I will be doing my cartoon/movie detox starting may 1 instead of June and couple of reasons for that. 

1.Why wait? I need to get this over with and done with otherwise I m gonna keep being stuck in the same position

2.The other reason is if I do return to anime I would like to do reviews and stuff before the anime convention so that why I would like to end August

3.The expectation to the rule will be my animation projects and manga cookbook. 

4.I have a question about this cause I would rather go cold turkey than do this but do think by only accepting faith-based cartoons, comics, and graphic novels should be allowed? 

I have gone back on forth on the idea but not sure on it.

So may 1 will be media detox to the extreme which means it will be no cartoons, no anime, no faith-based cartoons/comics/graphic novels, no manga, no comics, no animated movies this includes CGI movies.

What will be allowed is any live action show tv, movie, etc. this something I did while back but made the mistake doing it no cartoons, anime, movies both live and animated so that why I m only doing live action I need some reward system

confession time: Over the last few weeks I have not followed through on my original routine and I hoping this detox will put me back in place plus by narrowing my distractions down I can focus on my own projects, and dreams, 

Plus I try to return to my original routine as well making live action shows, tv shows, youtube, facebook on Fridays only to put even tighter straights on me, books are allowed during the week reading books, With News being the only other exception and email. so email and news that it I hope this helps explain some stuff. 

 

So I m shifting my focus sooner rather than later. I was going to do some reviews but looking at the situation and where I am at if I do something soon I will definitely relapse and I have taken the liberty of taking all expect few vr apps off though may go ahead and delete them as-as well. 

So to recap I m doing Media detox of animated movies, cartoons, comics, graphic novels, anime, VR, tech channels for 90 days. The only exception will be Manga cookbook, and my own animation projects, but all live action movies, tv shows, books, will be allowed during this fast and this applies to youtube to which I unsubscribed to anything related to animation both on phone and youtube and facebook, expect one group which uses the assets for their projects other than that it, it will be new beginning and maybe during this new fast I will grow out of childish ways and become the person I meant to be.

Grateful

1.God

2.Church

3.Worship

4.commiuinities I m apart of

5.Life

That it for  today have a wonderful day

[zeke365]

Day 251

Found out something the other day I did not know you could do and explains why I went through what I went through. The thing is yesterday I did not know you could be eased facebook activity in the search bar, I had never done it before and never heard you could do it. This also explains why I was going getting advertisements for games and stuff as well. 

Though because I did back one game they want me to back another game on Kickstarter which, to be honest, would be nice but not worth it to have one little item though neat it expensive and I have moved on from it,  (That and I don't have the windows to run it)

So the reason I think I relapse like that has I still had hint video games on pc sort like you 've done cleaning and your 100% it clean only to find you missed a spot.   So I cleaned out pc, facebook and everything on pc that reminded me of it I think we're in all clear I hope. I hope I have not missed anything.

I have worked on a couple of projects today as well

so that it for today and new fast tomorrow

Grateful

1.Faith music

2.Church

3.God

4.Family

5.Life

Edited May 1, 2018 by zeke365