From George with Love

[GeorgeA]

Hello, Gamequitters' world!

Journal: [27 Jul - 27 Sep] 90 Days of Me

I'm 24 y.o. Russian male. I live in Moscow, the capital. I've been struggling with video games addiction for the past 10+ years (I started early, things got real when I got my own PS and then PC ofcourse). It's funny how I've never really realized that I've been struggling with this activity for so long now, like it's been really a substantial part of my life this whole time though I am constantly trying to make myself think otherwise. This thought was very important for me, and I'm really grateful that I came to terms with this fact. All that was needed for me is to ask myself a question "Why the heck it keeps repeating over and over again even when I think it's finally over?"

I don't yet know the answer but as you see good questions enable you to dig deeper and shift your perspective. This is also what I'm aiming for with this 90 day detox.

Some triggering titles can be found below in the spoiler section

Another fun fact, I've never really had a killer PC so I usually played not very demanding games and as a result even now in 2017 my choice of games goes back to what I used to play back in the day as a teenager (around 2006-2010). I can't really "get off" of new games, when it comes down to playing I just do the old vanilla WoW, Cod4 or Skyrim or something among those lines - games that I played and that I know. I guess this can be explained in the way that since I somewhat know how to play these games I am more often victorious in them and thus get a larger amount of dopamine out of playing them. Anyways, I just wanted to share that here as to get it off my chest.

Another fun fact that I think some of people might have gone through (at least I hope so, otherwise I'm really wierd) is deleting everything to the core, like even reseting my accounts deleting every character, channging all the e-mails and the passwords to them, etc., when I quit cold turkey. And that's the usual cycle - I quit cold turkey, do it for some time (days, weeks, months sometimes) only then to come back and start a new or restore what was not destroyed in the mayhem. This time - I know it might sound dangerous but I feel like the pattern needs a change - I'm not actually deleting anything that I've accamulated from latest relapse of roughly a month playing, I'm just creating a separate folder in my downloads section called "Games". I know this will probably mean a higher chance of being triggered but I am full with the bullshit that I'm trying to sell myself each time when I hard delete everything that I've achieved only then to come back and start anew. Not to mention starting and reseting everything anew is also a kind of wierd pleasure for me from which I get my dopamine fix and even if I do turn back to gaming one day after the detox, at least I won't have that.

Now, regarding my approach to gaming. It has changed withing this 1 month. I have been watching more streams as usual, playing more than usual in general, because I have no work atm (I'm working in a theatre and the season's off for summer) and I live alone. So I've been really able to live out the dream of my teen years to play day through day and really dive deep into gaming. I've found out that in terms of getting pleausure out of games this is the most comfortable state for me - just sit home, play games, order food, sleep, rinse and repeat. I don't have to mention how it affects your social life ofc, well, I thank God that I yet have some committments to meet even during the off-season in the theatre (like going to the gym, working on a self-made project with theatre colleagues or participating in an occasional shooting for a film. getting out with friends). But it's been pretty darn close to the gaming dream.

Well, oh there goes gravity, snap back to reality, all I'm trying to say is that I've been into the gaming community a lot recently, and I actually found out that a lot of people are doing just fine gaming, and some people even make money off it (yeah, I'm talking about the streamers)! I even considered streaming myself, but since my PC is shit this is not an option (I tried!). I think that's a gift that my PC is shit really because I could really go there.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say here for the third time, is that I want to depart from the thinking where "gaming is bad, and social life is good" basically. This is very-very white-and-black-ish and for me it doesn't work at all. All it does is creates a "forbidden fruit" that I constantly want to chase and taste and the more I taste it the more guilt I feel and yet the more pleausure, and thus the neverending circle of beating myself down and feeling super-high begins. It's time to stop! I want to be really conscious about my choice and really understand if I want games to be part of my life or not. And detox is a great way to figure that I out I believe.

So that's why I'm only taking on the 90 days detox for now. That's why I really like Cam's phrase that "if you can't quit just for 90 days, you really should" or something among those lines. That's why I didn't hard delete all my progress as usual this time and just created a separate "Games" folder, which will be my own dark web, sort of, for the following 90 days.

Also having some experience with quitting games and more so with quitting porn I am aware of the problem that a lot of people face of "relapsing", me included. I'm really f-king fed up with this shit for now, really. I mean how hard it must be to just take on an experiment and go detox for just 2 goddam months? It's not that much, really! And you can take it from there! Hell you can even come back if you want, that's not the point! The point is to go for a detox and test yourself and try new things and focus on yeself. So I'm pretty goddam determined to make it to day 90 in my first go. I know it sounds insane - I'm telling you I've been through this over and over agian - but I am just tired otherwise. I know I will have a flat tire somewhere along the run, likely even more than one, and I guess your support will be need in this time and my openess to being vulnurable here instead of going into the shell of my own struggle. But I want to make this happen. This will happen. On September 27th I will have completed the challenge and I will feel good about it.

Thanks for coping with this the insane amount of text I just wrote - I actually liked it! Hope to see you around.

Also, Cam, I appreciate you very much, thanks so much for creating this. I'm really glad to be back on connection with you again, even if through here.

Edited July 26, 2017 by GeorgeA

[Mettermrck]

Welcome, George! Yes just start with the detox for now and don't put too much on your plate just yet.

[Cam Adair]

Hi George!