Gruive's Journal

[Gruive]

DAY 1

When I was 11 years old, I was knee-deep playing Mortal Kombat on my SNES on a Saturday afternoon. My aunt came up to me and asked, "Eric, how long have you been playing?". "Since about lunch I guess", I replied. "Wow, you are really into this video games. Could it be that you are addicted to it?", She retorted. I was a little offended, as if I, the Champion of Mortal Kombat could be humbled to a state of addiction, and replied swiftly, "There is no such thing as video game addiction".

Famous Last Words... I wonder if I could go back in time, what I would have said to my younger self?

I'm still in somewhat disbelief writing this journal and treating all of this like a full rehab treatment program; recovering from a serious addiction.

I read that the withdrawal symptoms of gaming addiction was because my brain has been wired/optimized for receiving enjoyment from gaming and that it will take at least 3 months to heal. The realization that I am suffering from what I can term as "Brain Damage" is both funny and eye-opening... But in my past efforts, I observed that I had exhibited some of the withdrawal symptoms and it brought to light that my ill-informed response was what caused my poor initiative and action to treat my addiction. Maybe there is someone that have recovered from narcotic addiction through sheer willpower. Maybe there are someone that have quit cold turkey gaming and made it out on the first go. But I know that person wasn't me and it was high time I looked for help outside of my own strength and efforts.

Earlier the morning, I was struggling to stop gaming. I was playing a mobile game the night before, "Marvel Future Fight". By this time, I had given up on major gaming in my life - quit FFXI in 2008, completed Mass Effect story in 2013, relapsed with Diablo 3, and many many mobile & PC games within the span of 2014-2016, and now am trying again to strive for the ideal. I do not know how many times I have tried to reason my way to put some modicum of gaming into my life - but no matter how much I try to spin it, it is just not compatible with my faith... The Lord that I pray to and worship was the one that initiated my journey out of gaming and He is the one strengthening and encouraging me not to give up and to keep striving for the ideal. I can say that whatever positive changes that has happened in my life is because God was in it.

The friends and family around me do not understand just exactly what I am going through nor even comprehend the severity of it (even I do not want to acknowledge it). Every time I relapsed, I tried to downplay the severity of it. Every time I try to fight it, I just get overwhelmed by the stresses and cares of life. I always think, how am I going to get through this life without having an outlet or activity to relieve my stress or to get my source of fun and entertainment? 

Prayer helped me to make my decision this morning to stop at once and uninstall the last game. It was not an easy decision and it, as silly as it sounds, hurts like a breakup (of some kind). But I made my decision in full light of the Respawn community, that there are others suffering like me, and I could not down play this 'addiction' in my own life anymore. I made this decision that there were others wishing and working and fighting to turn their life around and I would join in the fight with all of you.

I made this decision having my family, and friends in my mind - not wanting to lose any more time and life with them.

I made this decision knowing with a faith-like certainty that God has not given up not me despite my frequent relapses and continued to heal me and give me support to grow up and live life as its meant to be lived.

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Throughout the day, I felt superb. I could focus. I had peace of mind. I could appreciate the moments here and there. I went biking for more than an hour and though not as enjoyable as gaming (yet), I enjoyed it somewhat. I found the strength to focus and began reading Respawn and writing this journal. I am having warm and empowering feelings and moments as I write this - maybe if I had not gamed so heavily in the past, I could have been writing as my hobby? I don't know and I don't care to fantasize on what might happen in the past. All I know is that today and beginning now, my journey to turning around and have permanent recovery from my childhood addiction unto a new life has begun. 

From one perspective, yet another gamer part of me died today. But the more I die, the more I seem to live. Is this what carrying the cross is all about...?

[Mettermrck]

Every great journey has a beginning and it sounds like you're off to a good start, Eric! Mass Effect 3 was the last game I ever played, 30 days ago actually haha. For me, reading gives me the adventure stories I used to seek in games. Look forward to reading your journey.

[Marsaray]

Apa kabar!

I failed my first detox to i was self employed and couldn't find the Will power to stay away. I wish i could have i might have been able to stay in that field. 

You can do it man just concentrate on the heat in your country. When i stayed there for a month without ac i didn't touch a game because i was dying of heat lol

[Gruive]

Apa kabar!

I failed my first detox to i was self employed and couldn't find the Will power to stay away. I wish i could have i might have been able to stay in that field. 

You can do it man just concentrate on the heat in your country. When i stayed there for a month without ac i didn't touch a game because i was dying of heat lol

Hahaha!

Bad thing is that I have AC here in the room  

Thankfully, I have many things to keep me occupied! Thanks for the support Marsaray

Every great journey has a beginning and it sounds like you're off to a good start, Eric! Mass Effect 3 was the last game I ever played, 30 days ago actually haha. For me, reading gives me the adventure stories I used to seek in games. Look forward to reading your journey.

I miss them stories! But more curious to be a part of writing and eventually read the story of my own life!  Keep at it Mettermrck! Thanks so much for your support!

 

[Onlysoul]

God helps those who help themselves

 

Welcome! 

Some advices:

Read The Power of Habit, Getting Things Done, The Slight Edge

Set your own system of the day which consist of small actions

Check youtube channels like happify, improvement pill, ted.com etc.

Medidate: That really helps you to be more aware of your emotions and be present

Check this video too:

 

[Gruive]

God helps those who help themselves

 

Welcome! 

Some advices:

Read The Power of Habit, Getting Things Done, The Slight Edge

Set your own system of the day which consist of small actions

Check youtube channels like happify, improvement pill, ted.com etc.

Medidate: That really helps you to be more aware of your emotions and be present

Check this video too:

 

Wow thanks for the links, Onlysoul! Thumbs up!

[Gruive]

DAY 7

For the past few days my high-school friend whom I have gamed with most of my young adult life, have frequently posted screen shots of his custom made XCOM2 characters and snippets of mission encounters. It was highly entertaining for me to talk about the stories with him but not being troubled of wanting to game. It was just nice to discuss and talk about it with him.

"Rehab" has been going fairly smoothly for me. I noticed that I have begun to enjoy a little more the daily simpler things of life. Such as shopping for groceries, doing some administrative work, reading and catching up with some people. These used to be things that distracts me from gaming and I have abhorred them in my core. I also used to procrastinate to exercising for months... but recently, I have looked forward to exercising as an interesting diversion for the week (currently exercising 2 times a week). I read somewhere that one of the withdrawal symptoms of gaming addiction is that every other activity apart from gaming becomes really bland, boring and un-enjoyable. But the brain needs to healing some 60-90 days to re-adjust itself to a life beyond gaming. Maybe it'll take a while, before I find more enjoyment in doing real life work, but I want to make changes in my life where I see changes needs to be made.

Just finished reading chapter 2 and 3 of Respawn and I agree it was really a memorable and fun moment in life to be able to go through all the games that I've ever cherished and enjoyed playing. It is time to close the chapter and move on to the next chapter and adventures to come. There must be more to life than just gaming in front of the screen... and I close this chapter of my life with that expectation.

[Onlysoul]

Train your mind and body will follow. Train your body and mind will follow. Is that simple! 

[Mettermrck]

Very good analysis of yourself, Gruive! I agree the basic things in life become more interesting when you quit gaming. It looks like it's happened fast for you. That's awesome!