Lestrange's strange journaling journey

[B_Lestrange]

So I decided not to take my iPad with me on my trip to see my parents. I did, however, load a simple puzzle game on my iPhone. During the time I was there, I'd say I spent a good 3-4 hours of each day vegging out watching TV with them. I only spent SOME of that time dual-screening. Most of it involved watching the game shows they'd DVR'd...and competing with them on the answers. It reminded me that this love of gaming is something I actually inherited, because we used to do this (watch game shows and try to answer the questions) when I was a kid. It was a lot of fun, then and now.

I've been home for a few days now. I haven't taken the game off my phone; in fact I've actually played a little bit each night after work. However, at least right now, I don't see myself spending hours upon hours playing, the way I used to. For one thing, I simply have too much to do. I've got several different personal projects going on plus work is kicking up quite a bit. The one thing I could probably stand to do is get out and meet people (as much as possible given that we're still in a pandemic), but for now I'm experiencing a level of personal and professional satisfaction that I haven't felt in a very long time.

I'm not going to say I've fallen off the wagon...because I'm nowhere near where I was when I first discovered GQ in an attempt to regain some control over my life. I will say that I'm trying to see if I can truly become a "healthy gamer." Only time will tell...

[B_Lestrange]

Yesterday, I spent a total of four hours playing this one puzzle game on my iPhone. Despite my best efforts -- "it's a holiday weekend! give yourself a break! stop being so hard on yourself!" -- I went to bed feeling bad about myself, thinking I'd wasted four hours.

This morning, I deleted the game from my phone. I'm giving myself credit for recognizing it and taking the correct action. "Healthy gaming" for me may mean playing once every once in a while.

[Pochatok]

10 hours ago, B_Lestrange said:

Yesterday, I spent a total of four hours playing this one puzzle game on my iPhone. Despite my best efforts -- "it's a holiday weekend! give yourself a break! stop being so hard on yourself!" -- I went to bed feeling bad about myself, thinking I'd wasted four hours.

This morning, I deleted the game from my phone. I'm giving myself credit for recognizing it and taking the correct action. "Healthy gaming" for me may mean playing once every once in a while.

I relate to this and previous post! 

I honestly no longer can justify playing games pretty much at all. With how much I value other activities, and how much the gaming addiction has harmed my relationship with gaming, even playing for a couple hours every other month gives me guilt. Though, in the last months, I've been able to develop a healthier relationship with gaming, I think that playing games is just not a part of who I am anymore. I still follow development cycles of certain games (because I find gamedev intriguing and inspiring), and my favorite music is all from video game soundtracks. For me, gaving a healthy relationship with gaming does not mean playing them, but rather adding parts of the game experience (that speak to me the most as a musician, artist, and an overall curious learner) into my life. 

I would encourage you to keep thinking of what exactly you think is irreplaceable for you in gaming, because there are a few things unique to this digital medium, but there are also a lot of similar activities that cover the same area; I've been enjoying watching people play board games instead of searching through twitch streams, for example. But, video game soundtracks have very unique qualities that other music cannot replicate. 

Cheers!

Po

[B_Lestrange]

Guess who's back... (insert Eminem/Slim Shady/Marshall Mathers lyric here)

Long story short, I relapsed sometime around Christmas when I was snowbound for a few days. Now I find myself again having to climb back on the wagon...older but hopefully a little wiser.

I say "wiser" because I'm starting to realize that I don't think it's possible for me to be a healthy gamer as described previously, at least not when it comes to those video games that are designed to purposely keep that dopamine flowing. The things I still have left to do in my time on this earth require more focus than I've been able to give lately.

Thing is (I may have mentioned this in a different post) I have known since undergrad that, as my signature says, video games are my kryptonite. It's why, for as long as I've lived on my own, I've never owned a gaming console. I knew then that it would be far too easy for me to become a hermit. Now, older and wiser, I believe that no matter how small the carat size, any amount of kryptonite is bad for me.

So today is Day 2 of yet another 90 day detox. Hopefully this one will stick. I will try writing a little something in here every day just to keep myself accountable.

Yesterday, Day 1, I made a list of 10 things I could be doing other than playing video games. Predictably, last night, none of them sounded anywhere near as appealing as playing a video game. Dopamine withdrawal is real...yet I made myself clear off a couple of surfaces (#2 on the list: go minimalist; get rid of shit) and read a little bit of I Will Teach You To Be Rich (#8 on the list: do better with your money; #10 on the list: stop stacking books and start reading them).

Not having video games to numb me out means certain feelings/emotions are starting to come to the surface. I was in therapy for much of 2021 and part of 2022; unfortunately my therapist changed practices. I should probably start looking for a new one to talk to.

I'm also getting caught up on some of Cam's videos. It's been a while...

[B_Lestrange]

Today is the start of Day 4.

Yesterday, Day 3, I scheduled a remote appointment with a new therapist. I am grateful for good insurance and being able to work from home full time.

I realized that 2:30 pm is my witching hour (half-hour?). That's when I start getting the urge to play a game. I'm having visitors tomorrow so I got up from my desk and spent time decluttering and tidying (#3 on the list: you deserve a tidy place). It's crazy to me how there are YouTube videos on literally EVERYTHING, including the finer points of cleaning.

One bad thing that happened: I got into a bit of a tiff with one of my siblings. Normally I let a lot of the things they say to me go because (thanks to my previous therapist) I know they're just exercising their personal shit out on me (I'm the oldest; we had an "interesting" childhood). However, yesterday I pushed back in a way I haven't done in a while. They haven't responded and part of me wants to reach out but part of me is also like: I've got my OWN shit to deal with, okay?

I also got a lot of good sleep last night, which is another benefit of not being on a screen.

*deep breath* I got this...

[B_Lestrange]

Today is the start of Day 5.

My sibling still isn't speaking to me, but their social media activity over the last 24 hours suggests that something I said had an impact on them. Looks like they may have had a necessary conversation with the person who they needed to have the conversation with (not me). I'm not going to mention it; I'll see if they bring it up...but I'm hoping it'll mean that our relationship will improve.

Going back to when I first started this journal, I mentioned having a colonoscopy. Is it clear, then, that I'm older than many of the people I see journaling in here? Okay.

So I recently switched primary care physicians and with that I seem to have been upgraded to a new level of care technology. I have access to data that I've never had access to before...and all of it is telling me that I'm well on track to becoming yet another American statistic, metabolically speaking, unless I get serious about turning things around (#6 on the list: eat better, exercise more). The scariest thing is seeing that although I'm not pre-diabetic, I'm definitely heading in that direction. I have seen what diabetes can do and yeah...that's a hard NO for me.

It would be great if I could find a way to gamify my health care AND make it stick. I'm sure the tech is out there!

[B_Lestrange]

Today is the start of Day 6.

I noticed something yesterday: I was consuming more social media and videos than usual. To be fair, it was a long work week and next week will probably be worse. We have a major software release going out next month but I've optimistically penciled in PTO for the remainder of the July 4th week (we get July 3 and 4 off as holidays).

Normally I have a time limit on my phone for the social media apps but yesterday I said "fuck it" and turned it off. However, if it becomes a problem, I may remove the apps from my phone. I've done it before...

YouTube on the other hand...I watch quite a bit while doing art stuff (#7 on the list: make more art). I'm on the fence about whether that's a bad thing, since I often watch to learn new things and there are so many interesting things to learn. As I was telling my niece, this is something I've always done, except instead of getting it from the Internet, I got it from the library. I'm not going to worry about it right now.

 

Edited June 24, 2023 by B_Lestrange

[B_Lestrange]

Today is the start of Day 7.

Last night, I was invited to an outing with some relatives of mine who I don't see regularly for a couple of reasons: 1) they're distant in terms of relationship and 2) they're distant in terms of distance. However, we had such a good time that we decided that that distance, at least the first type, doesn't have to stay that way.

I so rarely go out on Saturday nights these days that it was honestly weird to be around so many people in such a busy setting. The weather was beautiful, though, and I was reminded that there's a whole world happening outside my apartment. I know how I got to this semi-hermetic state; now I want to figure out how to get out of it, preferably before winter sets in and the sun goes away for three months. (No, I don't live in the Arctic Circle, but winters in my neck of the woods are typically dark, cold, and overcast.)

This morning I had breakfast with one of my other siblings. We didn't talk about the rest of the family; instead we talked about what it means to grow old in a country that should have as its slogan not "E pluribus unum" but "If you've got money, we're going to do our best to take it from you." (Not going to discuss politics in this journal or anywhere else on this forum; I prefer to keep my blood pressure at a normal level.)

After breakfast, I went for a long walk. Then I came home with a strong urge to play a game...but I'm going to read outside instead.

[B_Lestrange]

Today is Day 8.

I had my first therapy session with a new therapist today. She's kind of brusque and no-nonsense, which I guess is a good thing? Part of me struggles with the idea of even needing therapy: "You're an adult! Just get over it! Just do it!" etc. However, I get a set number of sessions for free, so I'm going to see it through, at least for now.

At Saturday's outing with the relatives, we got to talking (as usual) about how we were related to each other. Genealogy has always been an interest of mine and I actually have my mother's research files from 40+ years back. Yesterday another relative asked me if I had any data I could pass on. Um, yes...but it's all on paper and very little of it is digitized. Talking to them, I saw an opportunity to put my relatively new but still fairly underused web development skills to work. I have a general idea of what a family tree website would look like, but I don't want to have an individual page for each person. I think a database containing individual records would be best but I don't know how to tie that to a website.

As usual, I'm really good at turning something simple into something super complex, overwhelming, and ultimately incomplete. I may end up taking all these files to Staples, copying them, putting them into some kind of a binder, and dropping the binder in the damn mail. In the meantime, though, I may still try to build a website.

[B_Lestrange]

Today is Day 9.

The weeks leading up to a release are always a challenge. It's 5:30 pm and all I want is to turn my brain completely OFF. Not gonna lie: I'm hearing Lloyd Bridges from Airplane! in my head. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit video games..."

[B_Lestrange]

Today is Day 10.

I'm happy to report that I did NOT fall off the wagon yesterday. Instead, I went through my kitchen and threw out expired food and various tools, utensils, etc. It's not much, but it was satisfying to get something done. I might be able to game this minimalism thing: How low can I go?

The brother of a friend of mine died this weekend so I spent about two hours on the phone. He was severely mentally ill and lived in institutions since he was a teenager; my friend had been his caretaker/executor for nearly 50 years. He died in his sleep, with no pain. Hopefully we'll all be so lucky.

Thanks to the Canadian wildfires, the air quality was very bad this morning. I had this idea I was going to walk, but I lasted about 15 minutes before I had to go back home.

[wheatbiscuit]

6 hours ago, B_Lestrange said:

Today is Day 10.

I'm happy to report that I did NOT fall off the wagon yesterday. Instead, I went through my kitchen and threw out expired food and various tools, utensils, etc. It's not much, but it was satisfying to get something done. I might be able to game this minimalism thing: How low can I go?

The brother of a friend of mine died this weekend so I spent about two hours on the phone. He was severely mentally ill and lived in institutions since he was a teenager; my friend had been his caretaker/executor for nearly 50 years. He died in his sleep, with no pain. Hopefully we'll all be so lucky.

Thanks to the Canadian wildfires, the air quality was very bad this morning. I had this idea I was going to walk, but I lasted about 15 minutes before I had to go back home.

Nice, day 10! My brain (not my conscious thinking) was trying to justify gaming today as well. Stress, boredom, and almost like a reward for not playing for so long. Yikes.

For awhile, I was trying to restore order to my mom's food cupboard back in the family home, for reasons unknown at the time - but minimalism played a part. 

I knew someone who lived and died that way; it was even sadder to think about what they missed.

Heard about the smoke cover on world news TV - your idea of just walking reminded me of a 'red dust day' or two when I was in high school, and only wondering whether it would alter routine. :3 

Stay safe!

 

Edited June 29, 2023 by wheatbiscuit