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Onlysoul

Onlysoul

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1 Day

I am not playing videogames anymore. I am clean approximately one month. But i discover that i am still having problem with myself. From young age i dont fit into collective, because they always rejected me. They behaved to me like piece of garbage. In home everyone expected from me good results in school but they dont investigate how i feel or what i want. Nobody ever tell me: We love you. You are good enough. This circumstances created in me feeling, that i am not good enough, you must hide your true face. This feeling ongoing dissatisfaction was incredible. I could not be myself and thats why i ran away from myself. I ran to pc games, porn, food and drugs. I ran until now. Today i am saying stop, I am going to face my problems. I am good enough, i love myself. I do everything to be good on myself, independent at work and also  independet financially. This is my commitment. I would face my fears. Every single day i must do my best to be better. Also productive and relaxed. Meditation have opened door to present moment.  

And also one interesting thing. When i was younger my grandma was very religious. She always tell me you will become priest. Its you desitny, what else you would do? You can imagine how this thing can mock and confuse young person. When i feel bad or have this "bad days" this priest thing shows up and still scary me. My mind is projecting this scenario and i am experiencing panic attacks. Maybe its sounds like funny thing but for me is very very frightening. 

I am not sure that its good thing to write this but i dont know where i should. You can see how can family and family members hurt person. And one thing for everyone. Never give up. Never ! You must keep going and make thing what you ever want. 

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You are taking on a great quest, Onlysoul. Just take it one day at a time. That's what I say each morning when I wake up: "Just for today, I am not going back to gaming. Just for today, I am not going back to porn. Just for today, I am not going back to soda." and stay close to this community.

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2 Day

Yesterday i had panic attack. Today i feel better a lot. After my job interview i had some beers and a moment ago i came home. I opened cane beer and currently writing this post. This fear thing scares me a lot. I told myself that fear is no longer my enemy. But i am experiencing every day scaring feeling and seeing bad things. But i telling myself its only illusion. I must see my fear but no fight with it. It is interesting journey to find my true self, build my true self. You discover how things works and its exciting. I am going to meditate and than watch film Leon. 

I reminding myself that iam worth it, good enough, i love myself. As my professor said: All you need is love and these materials xD . 

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Yeah You are right! Best way how to deal with bad emotions or fear or whatever is just watching the thoughts without fighting or paying attention.

3 Day

Today i felt really good. Some bad emotions and thoughts were there but nothing big. Littble bit cravings too but i handle it with learning English. I remind myself that i must do everything to be better person. I was at work, then came home and went cut the grass. Then i talked with my parents and after awhile end my meditation. I am going to watch document The Putin Interviews. Ehm i love you onlysoul and with love come responsibility. I fix you I promise :)

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Hello there, OnlySoul!

I see that there is a long journey ahead! You've just got +1 to Mad Pharmacists who will follow your journey! hahaahahhhah :D:D:D

Also it looks like you're inspiring with my font in signature! Good job! :D

Jokes aside, I see that you're getting "priest panic attacks". Can you please tell me how strong they are and what emotions do you feel during that time? This is important, because I experienced panic attacks too and you have to discover your enemy to combat him. I mean, not literally, in most cases the best way is to wait until it wear off or just do anything else (NOT GAMING! :) ) What do you think?

The thing you're doing on a journal is called affirmation. If you struggle with low self-esteem, or the better word is not so optimal :) Then I recommend you to write down some sentences that gives a real value about you, shows how valuable you are and then repeat them twice a day aloud in front of mirror.

I'll give you some examples:

  • I'm very confident, calm and I have great sense of humour
  • Each day I become a better person
  • I can achieve whatever I want!
  • I'm trustworthy person
  • I create a value while I'm talking with other people
  • I'm the boss
  • I'm the leader
  • I have great potential
  • I'm special person
  • I love everything in myself :)

This one are focused on confidence, because this is important to feel more confident after quit gaming. It helps a lot with social interactions!

Try this one out and tell me how it works.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Thanks guys for support!

Yeah nice font you use mr. pharmacist ^_^. Priest panic attack: Exactly when i have this panic attacks i experiencing feelings like powerless and strong tension that this is my fate, i cant change anything and so on. I also experiencing visual image of cross, jesus and altar. Man that is very frightening. I would never say that shitty words or scare my child or young relatives. Never ! Because you can hurt them very much even with that simple moves. Please man tell me how i can manage or handle my panic attack? 

Affirmation: I changed my self talk. I always telling myself that i am good enough etc. Even if i have bad days or things go bad for me i'm always nice to me. Yes you have right dude, i must boost my selfconfidence because no one can do this for me.

 

Edited by Onlysoul
My grammar is still bad

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4 Day

 

Today i was lazy AF. I exactly do nothing. I eat too much and sit in front of PC. Positive is that i was out with my dog, go for a walk with him and then go cycling with my sister. Later I looked into the mirror and i said: You are responsible! You are in control and only you have the power change things in your life. No one will do it for you. Your life depend on how you spend your times, exactly what are you doing in your free time. I love you! You must sacrifice this stupid things which you used for escape. 

 

No strong fear or panic attack today so its quiet positive thing too. I meditate every single day despite of my laziness. 

Its ok Onlysoul. Tomorrow will be different day with different problems, solutions and mood. Be good on yourself. 

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5 Day

Today it was very bad. I started watching some porn and other stupid things. I think that i am very lazy and comfortable person. Every day i must have schedule or goals or whatever but worst is do nothing. If you do nothing you feel bad and than you make stupid decisions which later lead to regret and pain. Gosh I know what to do but despite of that im making nothing. Am i that stupid ? Ohh man...:(

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Just don't give up. Everyone has many setbacks...scheduling your day will help keep you on track, preventing you from having that dangerous free time which leads to looking at the wrong things.

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Hey, hey, hey, don't give up homie!

You don't want to feel the pain of hitting the bottom again, do you?

I don't want to and here's why I'm reading your journal and many others. This is why I'm spending a lot of time outside. This is why I'm focused on support.

If you were a gamer, that means YOU'RE NOT LAZY!

It's not only my opinion, just look @Cam Adair made a special video for you:

So, he put an effort to make a video for you, and you want to give up on that and do nothing!

Hell no!

I dare you do translate this video above into your native tongue. This will give you at least SOMETHING to do.

This is serious, you know, a quest (I mean, not @Quest, but quest, a mission) from Mad Pharmacist. Once you achieve it you can continue this path. I have some more tasks for you, but start with this, man!

Keep it up and never lose hope!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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5 Day

Today it was very bad. I started watching some porn and other stupid things. I think that i am very lazy and comfortable person. Every day i must have schedule or goals or whatever but worst is do nothing. If you do nothing you feel bad and than you make stupid decisions which later lead to regret and pain. Gosh I know what to do but despite of that im making nothing. Am i that stupid ? Ohh man...:(

It's ok if you've decided to change your actions from now on.

You still have a lot more days to change. If it's hard to endure, just try something small that you can achieve. I also had a lot of days doing nothing. At that time, I felt the same way as you did. We have no choice to move forward step by step. It's gonna be alright. There must be some good days and bad days. You're gonna have good days if you don't give up.

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Thanks guys i appreciate that !

 

Pharmacist Thanks for information ! But i have finally some works to do :) . Tom yeah you are right. Step by step day by day. Bad days are quiet bad and cravings are strong but we decided change ourselfs and we are already on the way. 

 

6 Day

I woke up in the morning with bad mood and strong tension. I came in work and haven't taste to do something. I was bored and sick from everything. After work i was with my sister in town and bought new pair of shoes and shorts. Then i have idea to go in bookshop and i found one book. David Allen - Getting Things Done. So i am going to read this book at weekend. I am so excited. Afternoon was pretty fine. I visited my relatives and then meditate. It such a great thing, feeling better and concentration is perfect. 

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7 Day

Very hot day today isnt it ? According to where :D. I read cca 60 pages of book Getting Things Done and its perfect. Main idea is get out of head your activity and put it on paper. Have a system where you can track your progress and what you want (results) and what do you must to do which activity lead to required results. I installed Rescue Time extensions to chrome and now i can see where i spend most of my time online. I meditated and went cycling. But i ignored my english progress and i must repair my CV and send it to one vietnamese IT company. I love myself and i am enough ! I have little bit big belly but its ok. Not everyone can be thin. If you read this and you are overweighted its ok. People will still love you and these thing doesnt matter yet.

 

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Yes I have a big belly and I'm working on making it much smaller but I need to love myself even now as I'm going through the process. Time management is my big mission now and I'm trying some of the apps I've seen on the forums.

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8 Day

Its fine feeling

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Today was quite nice day. I meditated 20 days in a row wow. I listened to podcast about adiction, spend some time with duolingo, repeated some english vocabulary and saw some youtube videos about how to learn english. I had very long walk (approximetly 6 km) and read some pages about GTD. I experienced some negatives too. Dumb thoughts in the morning, overeating and laziness. But its ok. Despite of this i make some little progress. I do what i really want. I made chart where i record my progress:

 

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Umm, there's one thing I want to ask.

Do those activities on your list have to be done everyday? It seems too many so you can be exhausted easily if the plan doesn't go well. It's up to you so it's just an opinion.

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9 Day

Everything is ok. My new habit system works. I can clearly saw what i was doing today. I started NoFap journey too because i can have only benefits from it.  

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I have one principle: Baby steps, its very powerful to start with small task. Then you have ENERGY even for bigger tasks.

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