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ha535065

Hassan's Recovery Journal

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Hey you're a good artist! It's good to have a creative outlet like that. That's what I need. I'm glad you had a good session with your client and got many of your tasks done. You're doing great!

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  • Are you ready to commit to the 90 day detox? Post in your journal why or why not?
  • Also think about and share in your journal about how many times in the past you’ve procrastinated on the decision to quit playing video games. Have you tried to quit before and not succeeded? Why or why not?

I am ready for a 90 day detox from gaming. I actually already started 8 days ago. As for how many times I've procrastinated at quitting has periodically occurred several times and has reoccured many times throughout the last 15 years. I quit at age 20/21 and succeeded by replacing it with social activities, but was never fully comfortable with just following the crowd. It was an interesting experience, but my relationship with games would lerk up from time to time. I used other outlets like different systems (platforms; ps3/xbox) to game. So, in some way or another, I didn't completely quit. But, back in the days, I didn't know I had an addiction problem. So, I guess I can understand why I kept coming back into gaming to meet some needs of mines. There were other times, I tried to quit, and found myself coming back into the game because "my friends were missing me" and "they needed me" and so many other thoughts similar to this. 

 

I hope to take this detox seriously and gain as much knowledge from Respawn as possible. I begin my detox with great intensity starting today! See you on the other side! xD  By the way, the login page for members lounge takes forever! It's kind of irritating. Maybe it's just my wifi?

Edited by ha535065

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Today, I'm feeling pretty bad. I am adjusting to being a graveyard shift worker and it impacts my entire day. I just feel like sleeping all day and it kills me! I hate being unproductive and sleeping throughout the day so I can prepare for night work. It's so stupid and I hate it. My feelings are really overpowering tonight and I'm fighting to not relapse. I worked so hard for the last week against relapsing because this cause is important to me. I want to move on from games and open a new chapter in my life. I'm very passionate about what the other door will reveal, but it seems like it's a little farther than I expected. I'm just struggling emotionally right now because I wasn't able to accomplish one or two tasks I set for me that was supposed to take place around 1 pm. I feel especially guilty for waking up, turning off the alarm around 1 pm, and going back to sleep. Then, I woke up at 7 pm. No one in my home attempted to wake me up and let me know it's 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6 pm. I slept right through it and it was already at the brink of night time. I felt so depressed seeing little to no light out in the world. I was angry at others for not waking me and allowing me to sleep so late. But, how can I hold them responsible for this? I didn't set alarm past 1 pm because I expected myself to wake up and do what I needed to do. Ugggh, it really destroyed my self-esteem and feels like a spiral into depression after this incident. It was something I was really working towards and was really important to me. I keep trying to put myself up and say it's ok and everything will work out, and to forgive myself, yet I find critical self coming back and attacking me for "being a horrible person" and "doing it intentionally" and "how I am bound to extreme punishment because of it" and "how I am weak." This are horrible things I'm saying to myself! I would never say this to other people, yet I say this to myself? What the hell is that about? It's just been a tough journey in changing myself. This is just another day where I've hit a bump on the road and it feels like the end of the world, when it isn't. I'm still here and working hard. Man, just wish it was easier and I could be kinder to myself and just pat myself off and just keep moving. This emotional, negative self-talk, and hurtful speech is so powerful at times. Especially now. I just have a desire to escape these thoughts and not think about them. The games are a powerful way for me to not think about them. Yet, I don't want to play games. I came to work and redownloaded steam, but before I reinstalled the game, I wrote this journal to process what's going on for me. I feel terrible and like I'm the worst of the worst, which I logically know I'm not, and everything will work out. Uggghhhhhh, I just wish it was easier and I didn't have to go deep into the dark abyss when it comes to negative self-talk and destroying of my self-esteem. It's such a struggle to reel myself out of that when I start getting there. I'm not as terrible as that place makes me think of myself. I'm capable and sometimes, it's ok for me to accomplish all my tasks and be ok with that. I need to work on more acceptance exercises and more loving kindness. I am so saddened why I can't be like others and just pat myself on shoulder and just move on. I'm wondering why it's so difficult for me to just move on! Why do I have to be this way? 

 

:( 

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I battle the darkness outside too. There's just something about it being dark outside that depresses me, makes me think of being alone, of my eventual death. It's dreary. And in the morning with the chirping birds, there's the hope of a new day.

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Check in for the week. 

Doing well. Haven't have had alot of urges compared to before. Although I'm not doing alot of the extra things, like social outings, learning a new language, and things to occupy my time. It's interesting. Hmmm, I know I've been somewhat active in my faith community and prayers. I know also that at my graveyard work, I began doing mindfulness/yoga, and was keeping up with scheduling and checking off things on my planner. I haven't been doing it much lately. So, that's something I need to get back on. I started to slip away, or give priorities to other realms' of my life, and I forget mindfulness/yoga/ using planner/ and checking in are just important in the recovery process.

I did find this strange phenomenon where I started saying to myself that "I'm fine" and I don't need to write my thoughts/feelings or even check-in here anymore. Something about being able to check in with myself and write allows me a great deal of expression and helps to make sense of some stuff that occurs throughout the day. I think, if I didn't check in, it'd just build up to a point of discomfort and unease. I know this feeling and self-talk becaus eventually, I will fall back into relapsing some time later. So, I'm grateful Im here checking in. 

I'll keep it short so i can check in periodically and it's not a time-consumbing event and experience to write a journal entry. 

 

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Good to see you, Hassan! I was getting worried but I'm glad you're just spacing out your checkins. Yes, I find that being active in my faith and adding mindfulness meditation really helps.

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I did the same and while I guess that spacing out entries is quite normal, don't forget about them.

It's not about doing it when you're fine, it's more about doing them when you're not in order to help yourself out.

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Well, hey guys, I fell back into gaming again. It was hard for me to come on here and share that I started playing again. I started as of Sunday and went for 2 weeks without falling. There was alot of things going on before this, like issue with brother relapsing and the emotional impact this had on family. In addition, was dealing with anger and other emotions related to working grave yard shift. It was really depressing at times working these shift because it messed up the word "normal" and I somehow went a-long time without relapsing. Anyhow, I'm trying to manage the game play and will see how that goes. definitely feel I'm in control of it now and it hasn't take control of me. Really enjoy the fact I can lead, and people follow me, and we can actually win matches in countet strike global defensive. I noticed I am my prime when I play once or twice within competitive matchmaking, but after that, my performance starts sucking. So, that's a good awareness. I still have ability to stop after one or two gameplay. For example, today, I played a game (scrim) and won 16-14, close match, and called it a game afterwards even tho thise gamers asked for another game. I did have another paper due (demand) and I wad able to say, "no, I don't want to play because I have to do this other thing." That was a positive experience! I really liked stepping away and doing my other assignment. Before playing video games, I had this massive stressed based load of paper I had to complete from 8 am to 12 pm. It was annoying, but rewarded myself with one competitve game play and stayed to that! I was aware of time and noticed the other priorities I had. I will see if I can maintain moderation. I still remember the needs gaming fulfills (escape, instant gratification, constant measure of growth, and the social). So far, I get social support from family and a pet animal, i see growth with my trelationship with brother and pet (we do things together more), gratitication (accomplishing some tasks I need to do) and escape (I sleep or take a break, but also can play one or two competitve gaming). So, that's my check in. I will see in a few days if I can manage game play and will daily login journal details of experience. 

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Man i think that is very bad idea go back into gaming. You are running from your problems! It's true and you know it. Be good on yourself. Uninstall steam and make plan what to do next. 

Edited by Onlysoul
Grammar what else :)

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Ultimately, it's your choice and I understand where you're coming from. I hope you do try the detox again. Keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing with moderation. Take care Hassan!

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 Wanted to do a short reflection. I play today video games and I had attempted to video game in moderation and I found myself having a very difficult time. In fact, yesterday I did game and it impacted some of the tasks that I need to accomplish last night. I  try to utilize the H a LT technique, I was feeling tired, but due to the game I binged and didn't sleep until 2 AM. In addition, I felt extremely guilty when I awoke  and found myself engaging in avoidance behavior. Then, I found myself playing video games to avoid feeling, and eventually the video game letting me into some other behaviors that I did don't approve of and had a sense of control over.  I went to a men's support group today and had the opportunity to talk about my relapse, but in addition to that the circumstances surrounding the relapse. In my discussion, I was able to recognize that my younger brothers relapse   Created high levels of stress for me and was emotionally challenging. I felt angry for a long time, but I didn't know where the anger came from and it was displaced into other categories. But through talking, I noticed that my anger and emotions was related to his relapse and  it's impact on the family dynamic. This relapse give me the awareness that I need to be  oh where and be involved and my siblings life before he relapses.  Relax me occurred, but as long as I'm involved with him and can be a support for him, that's what matters. I think it would be less emotionally draining on me if I'm there at the support for him. I need to build a relationship with him. So, going back to my current experience with gaming, I find myself really preoccupied with wanting to play the game.  I want to fill my time with playing a game and nothing else. However, this is one of the reasons why I gave up playing video game; the preoccupation of gameplay. I have other tasks and goals that I want to accomplish, and the video game   Preoccupation doesn't help me get closer to those goals. So once again, I start my recovery process and use my relapse as  Learning process. I realized from my relapse how much I care for my sibling and how much he inevitably impacts my own recovery. also, it gives me insight about how difficult the process of recovery is and how many times people may slip unintentionally.

 

 I'm very grateful to have a form where I can write about my progress and find a community that really cares and understands. Thank you all for your replies and your comments. 

 

 My plan; 

Go to my work tonight at 11 PM and open up my computer and open up steam, going to settings and locate the game catchy file and go directly into the file and erase the game, then uninstall  steam. 

Potential tasks to accomplish: 

Watch smashed and write 4 pg paper

read the alcoholic family 

organize paperwork

write termination letter and summary for client 2

write schedule and tasks on organizer/planner

review integrated dual diagnosis book

treatment plan

 

 

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Hey Hassan I'm glad you're back though I'm sorry for the struggles you've had to face. I've learned those same lessons...that gaming just takes over. It doesn't sit alongside your other hobbies as one among many. It wants to take over and eliminate all other rivals.

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Good move! Keep it up! I already relapsed once and I'm fighting back again! You can do it!

Thanks! This really means alot! Appreciate it Tom! Btw, I relapsed once again, but have gone back to the process as of Wednesday night! This time, I put more barriers to prevent me from relapsing such as (website block), download block, etc. It's been helpful.

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Hi guys, 

I'm feeling pretty bad because I fell back into gaming after going some days strong. This is my second/third relapse. I quit again on Wednesday night at 10 pm after I got a 7 day ban from competitive match making. It was so strange that a "ban' allowed me to get to my senses. I was angry at first, and actually broke my apple headphones by throwing it after finding out the ban length. I felt' ashamed after coming down from my emotional high horse. I felt a great sense of shame and disappointment over my relapse.  I avoided and avoided and didn't want to admit I relapsed. I avoided this community because I didn't want to stop or have someone be blunt and call it for what it was. I wanted to play in other ways, DM, or casual game play in order to improve my overall abilities and skills. But, i only dug myself deeper, and I can feel some deep urges to game on and escape.

 

I implemented blockers on my internet to create a safe-net and relapse prevention on Wednesday night at work. I know, these next few days are going to especially difficult because it's towards finals week for my summer term. I just want to focus on school and finish these small projects and get it out of the way, but I'm finding it difficult at times staying focused and accomplishing these tasks. I will say the task is so freaking boring! Every time I attempted to read the book, it was so freaking dry! DRY! DRY!!! It didn't spark any interest in me. I just want to do this dumbass reading, write the comparative reflection with the movie, and then finish my reflective entry on group therapy. Then, the big project! I will say and adamantly say, I don't want to read that boring book, it seems like bull crap, but it is what it is! It will help me get one step closer to my goals of finishing school. I just need to get the task accomplished and move forward. 

I find myself just procrastinating and pushing away the task more and more, and the deadline is approaching. AND EVERY-TIME, I promise myself, this is the last time because of how much anxiety/panic/worry/ and stress it puts on me. Yet, I can't seem to get motivated until i feel "rushed" and "pressured" into the task. 

I wanted to reflect on my past relapse. I began to play video games, and then it started to impact my professional/career because there was an incident where I wasn't able to wake up for work at 10 am and I decided to call in sick. I must admit that I was feeling extremely tired, but at the same time, feelings of depression. I don't know I was experiencing relapse symptoms. I found myself lately, which is extremely strange, but getting extremely nervous to call the clients directly (which I'm finding i'm doing more and more lately as opposed to being direct) and instead, texted her that I wasn't feeling well. She didn't get message and called me around 11:45 and became upset at me. At which point, I responded to her in a sarcastic tone about being ill. I asserted that I wasn't feeling well. If I can be honest,I think the symptoms of depression/bad sleep was because of either playing video games, not sleeping well (bad sleep hygiene) the night before, and no self-care. But, from this experience, I then made a firm decision to not work with the client and give MY SUNDAY, and two hours 10-12 because it was impeding on my day to recuperate my energy and recovery. So, I asked for administrators to remove me from this case because I didn't want to deal the mother of my client. I personally rather not give up my Beautiful Sundays and Two hours for someone who isn't adaptable to circumstances and so rigid. I admit, I did do wrong, and I have a problem with arriving on time due to time management issues. I'm dealing with a lot with recovery, but I have found many individuals are very polite and flexible when emergencies do come up. 

 

I'm also kind of glad I made this decision because I'm just so tired of working with this client for 2 hours every week providing behavioral services. I guess, in some way, I was after the money, and this isn't me. I use to be very passionate about this job, but I no longer have this for this work. It doesn't excite me, and I find myself just wanting to spend two hours and getting over the session. I just don't want that, but I wonder if me not feeling great passion is because of my decision to no longer game. So, I decided, I'll just work elsewhere and away from psychological/behavioral work, and deal with simple clients. I think, this helps me maintain some level of clarity and not always experience burn-out. It's nice to just talk with people who are functional. 

 

So, this is a check in. I know i've said alot, but it's been buggying at me. I needed to get it out somewhere. Thanks for listening. 

Edited by ha535065

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Don't throw your headphones away... That doesn't fix anything... You just need to buy another one after that. Next time when you want to throw something, just think about it before the action. There's nothing worth throwing your things away.

About finals : Don't give up. You don't have to be perfect. Trust me. I already gave up my finals a couple of weeks ago, and I regretted so much. It was because of the relapse. Don't give up, use pomodoro technique if it's hard to focus on what you're doing. And split the tasks into small things. Don't even think about the total amount of things to study. Focus on your multiple-small achievements.

I hope you can deal with your works well. Nothing much to add... as I don't know much about your work...

And if you have cravings, just visit the forum and read anything that's new. You may get some positive effects on your emotion.

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Watch this immediately

 

You need put system into your life. You must define your projects and split them into smaller parts. 

One thing, dont be mad or bad on yourself and dont be ashamed of your failures. You must keep going like Churchill once said. 

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Watch this immediately

 

You need put system into your life. You must define your projects and split them into smaller parts. 

One thing, dont be mad or bad on yourself and dont be ashamed of your failures. You must keep going like Churchill once said. 

I do have a tendency to think large task as opposed to small/managable tasks! This was a helpful reminder! Thank you! 

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Oh boy, so yesterday I had my little cousins come over and they began playing witb the Ps4 and cod 3. They were such noobs because they are young and I found myself desiring to play and show them. But, I didn't. I found alot of self-talk today saying, "Go ahead and play. It's not the same as PC." But, I don't think that's true. It's getting very close in similarities to other game and I know i'd play it to only procastinate in doing my hw/project. I will take about 15 mins and write/break down my tasks. I hope i can accomplish it today that way i don't have to worry about it tomorrow. I have a plan to attend al-anon meeting at 2 pm to get some social support and then come back and get at those tasks. I will probably treat myself to something nice at dinner time if I can accomplish the tasks. 

 

Ok, thats it for now. 

 

New edit and update:

I went to al-anon meeting from 2-3 pm, and then decided to treat myself by going to the thrift store and getting some things I needed. But, in that process, it went way over my desired expectation. I was there from 3:30-6, n then went to another store to get some snacks. I was supposed to pray before 5:30, and becausd I went to the thrift store, I missed it and feel extremely guilty. I feel like I hear myself condeming myself like "being and looking at eternal gloom." I will take accountability and acknowledge I did stay over, and I really didn't set a time frame for myself before entering the store. I want to take this as a learning opportunity and move on, n not be debilitated. It's so hard and seems like I am hardwired where I become self-loating and unforgivining when I make a mistake, like it's the end of the world when it isn't. Life is a journey, and I'm bound to make a mistake. I can't and am not perfect. And it's like this program is set where everything will end if I don't meet this criteria! Everyone makes a mistake damit! Why is it so hard for me to recognize this and just move on instead of it destroying me and the rest of my day!? Whg is it so hard?   

 

I sit here and avoid making it up, and notice my depression and avoidance behavior kicking in. I think my energy level is fast dropping, my breathing patterns have changed, my hopelessness has spiked super high, and I am sitting here thinking what's the point? I am sitting in front of my bird cage and bird and just turned on my ps4 in order to avoid this helpless feeling and write this post hoping it'll help me move away from feeling this way, atleast so intensely, whereby I can refunction and reengage in the tasks I missed and continue to do the tasks I'd like to do. I'm sad and disappointed because it keeps happening and re-emerging, and i thought my years of therapy would help prevent me from getting to this point. I'm winded by this feeling and am just struggling. I want to get up, clean myself w/water, pray the prayer I missed that will take maybe 4 mins, do the one that's due right now (5 mins), and then just hangout till 8:15. And maybe, after the sunset prayer, I can begin working on some small tasks. Yeah, that'd be nice. Just taking it slow, baby steps, and it doesn't matter if I can't do it perfectly, as long as I do it. That's what counts for me right now. I'm not perfect, I don't want to be perfect, and leave the perfection for Him. I just want to do this action because I miss my connection with Him and I want to ask Him to help me through this emotional relapse and pain. I'm helpless and I know I need Him and He can help me overcome and get through this difficulty and trial. And allow me to engage in more self-compassion. Help me Lord of my understanding, and bestow upon me your kindness and bliss. Amen.

Edited by ha535065
Plan didn't go as expected

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Hello! Back after a long space! 

 

Back to day 1 after a long time of denying I relapsed into playing video games. It got bad this weekend where I played video games all saturday and sunday. I decided to cancel an activity planned on Saturday in place of playing video games. Also, all sunday, I found myself stuck on my computer and avoiding family and friend interactions. I planned to complete tasks that are due tomorrow on Sunday and I just procastinated between eating, sleeping, playing video games, watching a show on my phone, and eventually feeling a ton of remorse and guilt for not admitting earlier. I guess I felt stuck and it was easier to play video games than admit to myself I'm losing control and needed to reengage in detox. The worst part about it is that I started improving on my shooting accuracy in the game. I began to get better, but the thing with getting better is the investment of time. I invested a great deal of time into improving accurary and maybe, just maybe, a part of me doesn't want to lose that and feel it was a waste of time because I did improve my accuracy. Then again, the levels of good players are unsumermountable and much higher in skill level. So, to be honest with myself, I'm an average gamer and I'll need several years before I can be "good enough" to be considered pro. I don't have that time. I no longer want to be pro at gaming. I have other skills and talents I want to nurture. I'm almost done with my degree, have gotten alot of skills from internship, and have a cool job. I have a pretty cool life and cool people around me. Sure, there's some problems, but who doesn't have problems. It's part of life. I no longer need to escape through playing video games or watching videos. I can survive being in environments that may feel dangerous, but arent. I can live through not escaping. I've done it before and can continue to do it now. But, can i also be honest about something... lately, I've been feeling a sense of fear. A part of growing. Since I'm now close towards finish line at my internship and school, I feel a sense of anxiety and fear. I fear change and the discomfort it brings. I believe, this may be one reason why I started to play games because it's predictable and I know the environments, the settings, and fhe whole game. There is no unpredicitablity. I, as a user, was in control. But, in the real world, it feels like I'm about to launch and I don't feel in control and I'm doing whatever to make myself feel like I'm in control. It just so happens to be the medium of video games. Sometimes, I also eat and watch videos to numb myself and feel control. It's weird, but why is control such an overarching theme in my life. I wake up, can eat whatever I want, go to school, work, have a family, friends, etc., so what am i missing? Why am I so afraid? Why do I feel a lack of control? Hmmmmm....

  

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Hassan is back! I missed you, man. You got this. When I relapse with soda and porn, it takes me days to admit it was an actual relapse. You try to negotiate with yourself and rationalize it. It's actually a relief to finally admit it was a relapse and start over.

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