Striker3's Journal

[Strkr3]

02 June 2017: I just joined yesterday and am currently at just over 2 months game(s) free. Here is my intro (below). I will journal as much as I can.

I have been an off and on gamer since the days of the Atari 2600 where I first tasted the highs of gaming. One time that stands out was the time I flipped the scoreboard on Defender back to zeros after several hours straight with no drink, food, bathroom and a helluva blister on my thumb where I was unknowingly at the time using the joystick as a modern day thumb stick!

I spent the next 35yrs living mostly an active outdoors lifestyle with 21 of them in the Army as an Infantryman, multiple tour Combat Veteran, Purple Heart recipient, Paratrooper and Operational Advisor to units in combat. I was very successful and among the top of my peers when I finally retired. I played games here and there as something to do socially on occasion or to pass the time at home. I got married at the tail end of my Army career to a most beautiful woman who also liked to play games. We played together! It was awesome! How lucky was I that she even loved FPS'? We played Halo, CoD, Rainbow Six, GoW, Skyrim, etc. and then finally my downfall game, World of Tanks. The grind, the unlocks, the ops, the leaderboards, the tactics, the frustration of crappy teammates became all-consuming. It became too much for my wife who played for fun and not as a potential life and death situation. I ruined it for her and in reality, for me as well. I just didn't understand it yet...but I would and do!

We even played on her Xbox account which I basically took over. When I started making "helpful" suggestions on better ways to maneuver and engage the enemy based on the type of tank it made it not fun anymore and she began refusing to play. No matter, I continued to fight on blindly. My fight and the never ending grind to unlock the next tank or upgrade package went on for almost 3 yrs. Playing during spare time became almost any time. I found myself getting irritated when I was doing other things when I thought I could be playing "Tanks" instead. Long story short, I devalued my life and those loved ones that were along for the ride. I would quit for a week or two to satisfy my belief that I could do it and that it didn't consume me. That worked for about the last 6 mos where each time I would tell myself I will just play a couple matches, no biggie. I lost valuable sleep, procrastinated on household work, didn't engage with our kids as much (unless they were playing it too, I taught my 3yr old how to play and he was decent tanker compared to a lot of other online players, lol) and most importantly, intimacy with my oh so beautiful wife. Looking back I have no idea what I was thinking.

I'm still trying to figure it out. I think I was looking to fill a gap that retiring from the Army left by accomplishing personally challenging and satisfying tasks. Granted, "Tanks" was a poor facsimile, but I was kicking ass again right? Unfortunately and sadly I was only kicking my own. Almost 90 days ago and for the umpteenth time my wife was fighting valiantly for the man I used to be to arrive and banish this gaming fiend that I was. Something finally clicked in my selfish brain that said, "She is right, I have a real problem here." The only option I knew was to quit cold turkey and not look back. If your going to fight, go all in until you win!

 

So while I'm still sorting out all my various feelings, and trying to make amends to my loved ones and figure out my way ahead, I appreciate Gamequitters where I can gain inspiration and motivation to keep up the good fight. Thank you to all here and keep fighting for yourself because its worth it.

I know its all worth it because I see now and am finally aware.

~Strkr3

[Signor Nessuno]

Welcome! Two months without gaming is a lot yet. The most important thing is fill the time with something else to avoid relapses