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My Journal, by Zane


Zane

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You're winning! I hope you feel proud!

My suggestion is to spend some time daydreaming. Think about some awesome thing you want to do in the future. Revisit that thought a few times a day. After a while you'll really start wanting it badly. Then start daydreaming about how to make it happen. With your newfound free time without games, you be able to start making progress towards making that awesome thing happen!

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Hey guys, I think argumentation is in my nature. I can't stop myself, I always engage in arguments lol, even if I'm in a disadvantageous position, which can sometimes lead to embarassment. I wonder why this is the case for me. I don't like arguing online but I always seem to do it lol.

?Maybe you like... thinking with your own head? :) Check out the philosophers Socrates and Hegel, you'll find much to like!

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#Zane You got me thinking, but I'm afraid we will have to agree to disagree on some points ^_^. I will try to do it step by step.

1. Yes, I'm from Europe, Slovenia. And I admit I don't know much about U.S. education system. There is also the language barrier, but I will try to do my best. As far as early choice goes, I don't think it's that early. When do you have to decide, what you will do with your life? When you are 18/19 years old you have to choose a field of work. There is still some wiggle room after that, but basically you have to decide on what interests you the most. Of course if you have a change of heart, you can always switch to another field, but then you will probably have to pay at least for a part of your education. When you choose a field, you have about 3/4 of obligatory subjects, the rest you can choose from same or different fields to get enough points.

2. I find it strange that in your colleges, if I understand them correctly, in the same building you have experts on different fields? Is that practical? Why wouldn't you allow experts from the same field to learn from one another, work together or compete? So in U.S. you basically choose quality of your teachers, when you choose your college? Or at least it seems that way, since you have a couple of prestige colleges, that everyone seems to want to visit. Or would you say that these colleges are popular but in no way different from others?

3. "What ends up happening is all that taxpayer money goes toward whatever education path they choose and certain popular fields become so flooded that not everyone can find a job in their field, JUST LIKE YOU.

My solution to that issue is to not let students be paid by the government to go down whatever career path they choose. Instead, listen to this. In California we are short on doctors, from what I've heard. I've also heard that schools are offering to pay for schooling for those students aspiring to be a doctor. Now THAT makes sense."

It's all a matter of perspective. You see the reward side for certain fields, I see punishment for others. If I don't have interest or ability to become a doctor, I should pay for my education? Do you really think it's just a matter of choice? I believe we have some natural abilities to do certain stuff and not others. Especially becoming a doctor, you need to have a set of skills, that I believe not many people have. And on top of that you get one of best paying jobs, at least in my country, if you manage to finish you education. On the other hand, let's say someone has great writing skills. He might be the best of the best someday. But first we punish him with college tuition. Do you think societies are always capable of defining what they need? If I play devil's advocate for a minute. Maybe no one should go for fields that they are interested in. We should let the government decide, what our country needs. If we need more welders, we should only give free education to those, that want to be welders. Basically why don't we just decide at everyone's birth, what their role in society will be. Would you want to live in a world like that?

4. I chose philosophy and comparative literature, and I wouldn't say either is or was a popular field. It's just that not everyone can get through (has ability or interest) the education in order to become a doctor for example. That doesn't mean that they want to become hairdressers, cooks, shoemakers, bakers or any other profession that would probably get them a job faster. I say let the education (lectures and exams) be free for all. Without housing, food, transport ... And if we are in desperate need of certain professions, give tuition or bonuses to those, who choose to study in those fields. It's like with smoking rule in a company I know. Those that smoke during work hours are not punished and can take brakes. But those that don't smoke during work (doesn't matter if they smoke before or after work), get a certain small money bonus with their pay.

I just remembered Michael Moore visited our country and was fascinated with our free education policy. If you are interested:

http://www.slovenia.si/visit/news/n/michael-moore-shooting-in-ljubljana/

Which brings me to nr. 5.

5. It's one thing to say that college is not for everyone. I agree. It's another thing to say, that college is only for those, that can afford it. Or better that have parents or family that can pay for their education. Of course if I had to pay for college and couldn't, I would start to think that maybe college is not for me. And I would probably find some other way and live a good life. It doesn't really matter. It was not really a choice I made! It's like saying life can be beautiful for people that have to wear glasses or blind people. Of course it can, but you wouldn't go around poking people in the eye or make a rule out of doing it. Do you really believe everyone that didn't go to college would make the same decision, if there were no tuition? How can you even tell if the college is the right/wrong path for you if you can't really choose it?

It might be just that in our country it is very difficult to get a loan. I imagine the only way a high school graduate would get a loan is if his parents would cosign it. How did you pay for your tuition?

6. Some people succeed no matter what and against all odds. Without college, even without high school degree. But I think the majority if not all should get at least a shot at free education. Just in case we don't grow up to be Steve Jobs. If you choose not to go to college that is perfectly fine with me, but it should be a choice. Even if statistics show, that higher education doesn't mean better pay (and I don't think they do at this point), you should at least get to choose.

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You're winning! I hope you feel proud!

My suggestion is to spend some time daydreaming. Think about some awesome thing you want to do in the future. Revisit that thought a few times a day. After a while you'll really start wanting it badly. Then start daydreaming about how to make it happen. With your newfound free time without games, you be able to start making progress towards making that awesome thing happen!

I already daydream about something that I want really really bad but I'm unable to make progress toward it in my current situation

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#Zane You got me thinking, but I'm afraid we will have to agree to disagree on some points ^_^. I will try to do it step by step.

wow okay, this deserves a good reply. When I have the time I'll develop a more thoughtful reply than my previous ones. Hang tight xD

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thanks chris but, umm, I know everything bro. Lol I'm jk :P

?You joke, but I used to have this mentality lol. I used to think that I knew best, and I wouldn't listen to anyone else's opinions on things that I was passionate about. Passion = emotion, and emotion = clouded judgement and an inability to reassess my view on certain topics (in my experience). Make sure you don't make the same mistake as me lol. It is much better to learn all you can and look at your opinions critically whenever you can. Sometimes it is so easy to become wrapped up in an echo chamber of people repeating the same opinions on issues that you never challenge your own views. Don't be afraid to change your views, that's a huge sign of maturity :).

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think it's time for a big update.

I'm still failing to develop good habits; but I have deleted many bad habits at least. I usually get enough sleep, i eat and drink healthy, and I go to the gym 4-5 times a week. However, I want to be more in control of my sleep schedule; I want to wake up at the same time each day and have a good morning routine, and thus far I haven't managed that more than every once in a while. I rarely meditate even though I want to do it every day. I understand how habits are formed but something is holding me back. I can't seem to get my ass out of bed early, and I've been doing a really poor job in my classes recently. The reason for this is I simply dont do my homework, and sometimes I skip class, and find ways to justify such irresponsible behavior. Also, my loneliness is crushing my mood regularly, and I spend a couple hours each day musing and analyzing my past mistakes. In some ways I feel that I have lost focus, and I don't feel like I have the power to alter my situation for the better. Sometimes I feel better and thus more reasonable, but other times it just feels hopeless and I'm in real pain. One thing I do notice is that I wouldn't feel this pain as intensely if I were still playing video games, but I also realize that not facing my problems is worse, so at least I'm doing that.

Damn. I really wish I could have something real positive to say here. I've been a fucked case for far too long. See, I was hoping that exercise and meditation and gratitude journaling and habit forming would turn my life around and make me a happy person. Instead, my unhappiness and impatience at not having a social life has cause me to be unhappy and be distracted from successfully forming those habits. Of course, there are fears that are mixed in. My fears are things like: Having to wait too long to meet someone, finally meeting someone and not finding the same level of happiness, never reaching the same epicness and happiness I once felt in my life, never matching the levels of success and happiness that certain others have reached, wasting my youth and time spent living with relatively small responsibilities without experiencing some of the things I would prefer to be doing with the freedom I have now, before I grow older and have to focus more on work and less fun. In other words, I feel like I was robbed of a long list of experiences that I could enjoy while I was young and I may never experience some of those things, and even if I do it won't be the same; because even if I eventually do experience them, I will not be able to enjoy them as much because my life will grow harder than it is now, when I have to support myself completely. And of course, the clock is ticking, and I feel like I am wasting my life. I feel like life is offering me less opportunities than ever before. I'm literally begging for an opportunity for something special to happen in my life. 

Deep, I know. I am dissapointed by the lack of positive things I have to share. Joe, on the other hand, has so many positive things to share every day. He is experiencing growth in his life. He has friends and a loving family. I don't have these things in my life. I did, once. I once had love, and I lived with amazing younger siblings who admired me, and I had a great group of friends, and I was experiencing growth and fulfillment. And this occurred when Iived with super strict parents, with little freedom, eating unhealthy food, unealthy sleep, and addicted to video games. I had more opportunities back then. If I could go back knowing what I know now, things would have been even more amazing.

I'm not growing, so I'm stagnating. I don't remember doing a single great thing this month. I made no new friends, I went on no dates, I accomplished no goals, and didn't form any good habits. I kinda just... continued, living reactively.

If I could turn off my mental and emotional need to make friends, and if I could shut down my need to analyze my memories, maybe then I could focus on other goals without emotional backlash. Also, if I could learn why it's so painful to do my homework, I could probably begin to feel the satisfaction of actually doing it.

TLDR: The going is rough.

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While what I said in the above post remains true, there is one small interesting developement that I did notice this month, pertaining to my weight training, so I thought I'd share it. 

A month and a half ago, I weighed 116 pounds, and had about 7% body fat. This was measured by a special machine which sends waves through your body and makes measurements that normal scales do not. A week ago I used the machine again, and noticed some interesting changes. First, I weigh 126 lbs now, so I gained 10 lbs in the month and a half. However, I now have 5% body fat. What this means is I lost fat and gained 10 pounds of muscle. There are two pretty crazy things about this, for anyone who doesn't understand. First, I went from 7% to 5% body fat, which is over 25% of my body fat lost in a month and a half. For most people, losing this much fat in a month and a half would be awesome. For me though, it's not really what I want. For anyone who doesn't know what it means, google 5% body fat.

Second, I gained 10 lbs of muscle, which is crazy for that amount of time (actually, I gained 11 lbs of muscle but only gained 10 lbs of weight.) From what I've read, most people can only hope for 1-2 lbs per month of lean muscle.

What's interesting is I've been eating alot of food to support these muscles gains, and yet I still have remained at a caloric deficit. I've been eating around 3000 calories a day, and I lost fat at the rate that any overweight man would be jealous of. However, I have not kept track of my calories because it's such a pain to count them.

I've heard people complain about losing weight/ body fat for so long, but now I realize how damn easy it is. Hell, I was trying to gain weight and I lost all that body fat. After some analysis of my diet, I've realized that I wasn't eating enough carbs. I was eating a high fat diet (which is the healthiest diet there is) and I was eating lots of saturated fat (that's right, saturated fat) and it turns out I need to eat alot more carbs to gain body fat, so I don't end up super skinny. While not super skinny, I am on the skinny side currently. You know, I feel like helping people lose weight could be a marketable skill for me, however I feel like there are so many people out there in competition, I don't know how I would succeed.

I do find this whole thing to be interesting. I am grateful that I at least have this to replace some of the needs that I tried to fulfill with video games. However, I still need to find out how to eat more, because I hate eating haha.

As to the above post, while I may sound gloomy, I know that all I can do is try again. So that's what I'll do.

Edited by Zane
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Hey, I wouldn't compare my path with yours.  We're in vastly different parts of our lives and are different people too.  I'll share with you my life at your age because I had very similar fears as you.  I actually hear my younger self in your words.  The path of my younger life is probably way different than yours, but that's okay.  Maybe if something about my old self intrigues you, you can ask me more about it and it can help you out.

I never had a girlfriend in high school, but not because I didn't want one.  I desperately did, but I had zero self confidence.  It was probably negative self confidence really.  When I look back, there were girls who were interested in me, but I thought so little of myself that I couldn't see it.  I went to a very small private school and graduated at the top of my class.  This was no surprise to anybody because I had been at the top of my class in most every grade since elementary school.  I had one really good friend at this point and some good acquaintances.

I started going to university and was studying engineering.  The reason why I picked engineering was that I was very strong in math and science. I didn't really have any passion for it at all, but it seemed like a good choice to have a nice career.  Really though, the thought of becoming an engineer was depressing to me.  Also, my social life wasn't getting any better.  I had absolutely no idea how to connect with people.  The main thing for me was that if people got to know me, they would realize that I was some sort of freak and I would be humiliated.  I was ashamed of most every aspect of myself.  I was ashamed to have never had a girlfriend, to be a virgin, of my religion, of being a conservative in a hardcore liberal setting, of not having many friends, of my own family...I could go on.

I was getting fairly good grades, but I was so unhappy.  I had a girl that I was talking to online that lived on the opposite side of country.  We had been talking for years and we really liked each other.  After my third semester of school I just took off to go live with her.  She was literally the only thing in my life that I actually liked so I figured that I should go.  I was really scared about leaving behind everything I ever knew, but it wasn't like all of that exactly made me happy anyways.

I got a decent job and got married to the girl.  We were up and down in our relationship, but I was still much happier than I was before.  I had somebody in my life.  Most of my original problems were still in my life, but at least I had somebody that I suffered with. 

Naturally, that marriage didn't work out.  I ended up more or less where I left off when I was in school.  The only difference this time was that I was thousands of miles away from my family.  I ended up in an apartment by myself, and was too afraid to go out and make friends.  I was so depressed and eventually just had a nervous breakdown.  It was awful.  I was having panic attacks multiple times a day, and could barely even speak.  This is actually the point in my life where things started getting better for me.  My natural inclinations led me to this point and left me no choice but to change at this point.

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Hi Zane, there is a lot to what you're doing that is applaudable, so don't worry about not getting the results you want yet.

Ah bugger I wrote a giant motivational post but failed to upload because of internet problems, so I'll sum up what I said:

  • Keep going with making new habits, as you can see they pay off in time like you working out every week.
  • Don't dwell on the past, use it as a stepping stone to improve your future through goal setting and evaluation. You can only control the present so enjoy the moment.
  • You have the biggest opportunity in your grasp right now, by going through an experience where you're forced to change you can decide how you want to be and how you want to live.

I hope this helps, sorry for not being able to post as much as intended.

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Keep going dude. In five years what you'll see is that the rough periods are normal, and even though it's hard to see the progress within them - it's there. Even if sometimes it's there only as a means to remind us why we are committed to improving various areas of our lives.

Rising Strong by Brené Brown would be a good book for you at this time. :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Wow,  I can't believe that I haven't made a post in 19 days. That's crazy. This year has been very weird for me; in the past, time went by very slow, and it seemed like a lot happened. Now, time goes by so fast, and nothing is happening.

I've become terrible at maintaining relationships. Absolutely terrible. I got cards from family for my bday and I didn't respond to any of them. I never talk to old friends, and you guys write posts to me and I never respond.

I still have bad habits. Now I got one month of school left and I'm not doing so good in my classes. IF I work my ass off the rest of this month, I will do alright (hopefully). Otherwise, my laziness will come to haunt me like it always does.

Zala, I wanted to respond about our debate, but I've lost interest in the subject now, sorry bout that :)

Joe, thank you for your story. I did read it and I should have responded immediately, but I have terrible habits lol. I'm glad you shared it with me. Figuring out your path in life can be rough. I reread part of the Slight Edge recently, and I remembered how he said that we as humans are always falling off course, and usually it takes turmoil to force us to fight for survival. But once we find some comfort, we go back to old habits and start falling again. I would love to believe that things can get better and stay better.

Thanks to everyone else for your support!

Cam, and anyone else, I need a little advice. I find myself unable to focus/ work during the times I need to do so. I barely ever do or complete my homework, as has been the case my whole life. How do I get myself to stop looking for a distraction and steel myself to do what needs to be done, every time it needs to be done? How do I sit down and get to task, and finish my assignment, and not let myself be distracted? I have failed countless times.

 

Ok, so here's what I've accomplished since September 1. I workout most days now, I eat really healthy. I am pursuing weight training as an achievement based activity. I meditate most days now. I've reconnected with my family/ parents I used to live with. Ok, so that's a few decent things.

However, I don't read at all, or listen to podcasts. Instead, I spend a lot of time watching youtube, surfing the web, and finding distractions. I've actually played video games twice. I bought an Indie game on my computer and played for 6 hours straight until I beat the game. I also played Destiny downstairs on the PlayStation (eww playstation :P) I am hooked on this one youtuber especially and it's something I enjoy, and I am not convinced I should stop watching, but a part of me thinks I really should, especially after Cam's video on the topic.

I'm not doing good in my classes, my room is a mess, I'm not making new friends, I'm not sleeping enough (because I want to stay up and watch youtube or something).

I think the main thing holding me back is pain. I get a mental pain when I deny myself youtube, or try to force myself to work on an assignment. Yeah it's probably psychological, but it's powerful enough to win a lot of the time. And then there's the pain of no friends/ girlfriend. I suppose it's kinda like losing your legs. You gotta be in a wheelchair, and whenever you see other people walking maybe it makes you want to cry. And you want to be upset, because if you aren't upset, then that means you've resigned yourself to mediocrity, and there's nothing worse than mediocrity. And then, you know, maybe eventually you'll get replacement prosthetic legs or something, but you know it'll never be the same. So these thoughts consume you and it's hard to focus on the tasks which you don't like. You'd rather be entertained by someone on youtube. That's what it feels like for me.

Pretty soon here, I'm gonna restart the 30 day challenge. Also, I want to post here every day, starting today. I want to find happiness like Joe has. It seems nice, you know...

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I thought I'd post this photo. So here's the explanation. The picture on the left was me in June, about the same time I joined this community. However, during June, July, and August, I pretty much ate junk food and played video games all day. On September 1 I started working out/ eating healthy; here's two and a half months of work :)

comparison.jpg

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Hey Zane,

Awesome progress! I'm jealous haha.

Sorry to hear that your habits aren't going as well as you'd like. I think as you say, it's normal to get off course, and we always have to push ourselves back on track (or get pushed). I haven't been posting or active in this community as much as I was in the beginning. I'm interacting less. My habits are starting to fray. But I'm striving to get back on track! Even though I'm not doing perfect, I'm still trying and improving and achieving more than I was when I was gaming. I think that's important not to lose sight of.

For you, even though you can see the areas you're not doing great, you're clearly doing some things right (muscle gain!). And you have such clarity about where you need to improve in your life. And you're not wasting your time playing video games all day every day. So you're doing better than when you quit games I bet. You just have to keep on trying :D.

Good luck! Hope to see more updates from you soon.

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Completing your work is a muscle like everything else. Every day I can struggle to get my work done too, but I just focus on working at it and trying to be stronger than yesterday. I find writing out exactly what I need to do BEFORE I sit down to do my work helps tremendously. If I don't know exactly what to do before I sit down to work, I basically never get going. 

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