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DaBest

DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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Day 52 (52 day streak)

100% gaming and gaming-content free. 

I'm angry.

Work has been an endless struggle recently. I just wrote a whole paragraph and deleted it because it was getting feisty.  

I took that anger out at the gym today. Best workout I've had in months. I just fed off the anger and lifted. It was great. I started to notice this and then I started to intentionally let things get to me a bit. It was fun in a twisted way. Can't do this all the time though. I felt much better after.

On the bright side, I've been taking quite good care of myself recently. After last night's post, I did not go to the gym because it was very late, I would've shortchanged myself on sleep, and I was already exhausted. Instead, I worked on stretching, meditating, and reading. I got to bed at a reasonable hour, and as a result, was able to get up today before my alarm again. I've hit a rhythm. 

I still feel like I'm drowning though, but I'll just have to keep pushing forward. I don't know how I would do this if I was still watching LoL vods and playing.

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The gym is amazing for clearing your head. Sometimes when I'm in a rough spot I feel like the only time I'm truly sane is midway through a workout. Exercise just shuts the mind up.

I really need to get back to the gym. It's good to see you're doing so well with it! You've also crossed the halfway mark to 100 days dude! Make sure you give yourself a clap on the back for that. Keep it up!

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Day 53 (53 day streak)

100% agree @ElectroNugget, and thanks bro! It's nice when one can reach that flow state in the middle of a workout. I'm just happy I'm back at the gym with some regularity even though it's 2x a week on weekends mostly. I'm starting to go 3x now, so we will see how everything goes.

---

100% gaming and gaming-content free. I'm feeling particularly antsy for internet outlets right now. Stress levels are high from work, and I'm also starting to feel cravings to numb myself on the internet. I probably need to block a few more sites anyway.

I left work at 8 PM. Not ideal. Had a emergency pop up last second and then went down a rabbit hole trying to figure out what happened. And I feel terrible since I've felt so ineffective at work. I need to figure out what's really going on. I have too much work and my performance isn't what I want it to be.

I'm just going to stretch for a bit tonight and go to bed I think. Last night's leg workout has left me super tight and really aggravated the lower back pain I've been having. 

*Note to self: stay strong. Keep moving forward.*

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Day 54 (54 day streak)

100% gaming and gaming-content free. I've been feeling urges to just drown myself in the internet. I have been to a small extent. I'm chasing the dragon.

I'm really getting fed up with my job. I'm getting to the point where I'm completely overwhelmed and I have no idea how I'm getting any progress done on anything. I have 20+ projects I'm working on right now. I hate this. There is so much negativity and filth I want to write right now. I feel like I have no outlet for this.

I'm so spent, but I must keep moving forward. 

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Day 55 (55 day streak) 

100% gaming and gaming-content free. Barely. I drowned myself in the internet today. Everything came to a head.

I haven't hit rock-bottom like this for about a month and a half or so. 

Snap out of it.

I'm going to clean up right now.

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4 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day 55 (55 day streak) 

100% gaming and gaming-content free. Barely. I drowned myself in the internet today. Everything came to a head.

I haven't hit rock-bottom like this for about a month and a half or so. 

Snap out of it.

I'm going to clean up right now.

Change your environment and allow it to clear your mind. Don't get frustrated with yourself. You got this. 

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Thanks, Matt. I appreciate the kind words. I've often found my environment affects my mental state and vice versa. It's an easy first step out of the pit.

Day 56 (56 day streak)

100% gaming and gaming-content free. Wow, yesterday sucked. Quick post-mortem. I didn't do anything yesterday. I didn't even leave my apartment. I just got back into old habits pretty much when I woke up and I just became engrossed. Ironically, I felt worse about myself as a result of everything, as I usually do when I do that, and I was no closer to actually fixing my problems. This is not effective problem solving. 

The dopamine binge kind of racked my mind today. I had headaches, I felt a little irritable, and there were times where I wanted to continue what I started yesterday. Thankfully, I cleaned up quite a bit and took care of all of my chores. As a result, I feel better, and I've set myself up for a better week. However, I did have some moments today where I had some very nihilistic thoughts which were not any good at all. Kind of scared me a bit. My mood swings have been crazy at points during this detox due to the added stress and reduced outlets for numbing myself. I must keep reminding myself though--the only way out of this is through it. I must acknowledge and accept my reality for what it is, and decide if I'm going to act accordingly to change it. Life is terrifying at times, and I'm in my late twenties and I'm finally learning to cope like an adult. I have to be a little forgiving of myself for attempting this as this was not going to be a easy process by any means.

Jesus, this is hard.

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Day 57 (57 day streak)

100% gaming and gaming content free. I haven't felt very good today. Decent headache and I feel pretty lethargic despite a good night's sleep. My job is really beginning to stress the heck out of me. I tried to take breaks every two hours or so today just to recoup my mind. Saturday has set me back quite a bit. 

I don't feel well when I don't do well at my job or as the work piles up. 

I'm going to have to manage the stress the best I can, which will include tasks such as: keeping a clean home, getting enough sleep, meditating, going to the gym for small bits at a time, eating well, and staying off the internet. And probably most importantly, I need to start confronting the work more and putting in a little more extra time per week. 

Part of me wants to run away and be a child or victim. I can't do that any longer. This pain is going to lead to growth. I cannot give up. 

In other news, I need to find another therapist, I called the office back today after not having heard anything back for the past week (my fault for not calling sooner).  They said that the therapist I was hoping to work with won't be taking new patients for another three weeks, if I'm lucky. I'll go search for another number to call tonight before I do anything else.

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Day 58 (58 day streak)

100% gaming and gaming-content free. Didn't have much time for the internet today. Today was up and down. I was able to make more progress at work, albeit never as much as I'd like. Again, I'm very stressed about the backlog of work, especially as a lot of the work is important. I found myself wanting to avoid the hard work that I've already been delayed on, but I did a pretty good job of pushing through those emotions today.

Also, I don't really want to take too many days off between now and the end of the year since my group knew the second half of the year was going to be difficult based on staffing and the work that was coming down the pipe. There's a lot more responsibility in this role than my old role, so I want to treat it appropriately. But I can't wait to schedule next year's vacation EARLY. Big mistake I made this year.

Also, improv started back up again tonight. It was a blast! I reunited with my first teacher and was much more appreciative of their teaching style. I also wanted to give myself a new start and tried to be more open and trust my gut, and I was able to have more fun, and I felt I performed better as a result. It's a nice little barometer for self-esteem in a way, which is kind of cool to think about. 

Also, on a side note, listen to the most recent Joe Rogan podcast with Ms. Pat. It's incredibly crass and depressing at times, but it is quite possibly one of the funniest podcasts I have EVER heard. That was my ride in and out from improv--I laughed a lot today.

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Day 59 (59 day streak)

100% gaming and gaming-content free. There were definitely some points where my stress levels were super high today, but I think I'm managing it slightly better. I really don't care for the mood swings though. It makes me want to read sports news when I feel that bad. If it's not games it's something else--I just find throughout the day I crave turning my brain off. 

I'm still going through The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, and I'm still enjoying it immensely. It's also making me realize how really messed up my childhood was from a psychological standpoint.  Even though I'm in my late twenties, I still identify sometimes as  child or a teenager, which is weird. Today I was reading the chapter regarding child-rearing and how some people get stuck at a level of emotional development when they reached a certain level of trauma, as at that point the child loses a sense of security which in turn slows growth. I felt pretty strange when I read that. It almost felt like I'm starting to piece together more pieces of the puzzle as to why I act the way that I do, because I honestly still don't know and that kind of bothers me. It's a weird sensation, almost like I'm progressing (fingers crossed.)

Tonight I have some more stuff to do. I need to clean up a little. Then I need to find another therapist and find more apartments to call. I didn't hear back from the other therapist I called--which is weird as this is a really common theme. Are they all this unresponsive? Weird.

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Day 60! (60 day streak) 

100% gaming and gaming-content free. 2 months...aw yeah. I think this month was easier than last due to some changes I made with blocking more websites, getting up and not going back to bed when my alarm goes off, and learning about how jacked up my self esteem is. I'm doing much better than I was in April, though because the emotions feel more real and I can't run away as much, my stress has skyrocketed. Maybe I'll do a longer reflection post this weekend, but right now I just want to keep things short since I have quite a bit to do. 

Work was stressful per usual today. I've been going to my car to meditate at lunch. I've been getting stress headaches and it's one of the few ways I can calm down effectively. However, I struck gold in my apartment search today. I'm moving closer to the city, because I can now, and found a great location on the first try. I spoke with the current tenants who were very pleased, and I have a call scheduled with the landlord tomorrow. I am very excited and this would be a very welcome change!

I need to clean up a bit more tonight, and get to bed at a more reasonable hour. I stayed up a bit late last night, and I'm paying for it today. Can't do that again.

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Hey, thanks @30_yrs_of_gaming! It really has been a struggle, but I am way better off then where I was two months ago. My brain feels like it's on fire everyday, but in a way, every day like that I put behind me feels rewarding. It's better than ignoring reality.

Day 61 (61 day streak)

Today has been hard, and for my own fault. I've stayed up super late the past two nights after watching the Democratic debates. I've also backslid a bit on the internet consumption, using an alternative browser without blockers (which I promised for only particular, educational circumstances). If I keep this up I will have to install a strict blocker on that browser as well. 

I need a break tomorrow, and then I'll hit Sunday hard for work. Emotionally, I'm a complete mess right now, and it has been difficult to tame these emotions. Action usually works best, along with meditation. 

I need to go to bed now. It's early but, if I don't, I really risk going into a depression spiral this weekend. I'm going to reset my mind, attitude, and actions for tomorrow.

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No VG - Day 63 (63 day streak)

No Sports at Home (SAH) - Day 0 (0 day streak)

100% gaming and gaming-content free (so far). Yesterday was bad, once I got home from the gym, I got distracting by a sports event, and stayed on the computer from 1PM to 3AM. Ouch. I got hooked in this zombified/entranced state after a while. Numbness is bliss, if only temporarily. Essentially, I used a separate Microsoft Edge (which I normally never use) to view this as I have Chrome all blocked up. I rationalized having Microsoft Edge free if I needed to watch something in an emergency, or if I was learning something and my time ran out. 

I wisened up to this early in the morning once I finally began feeling tired. Surprisingly, there isn't much in terms of website blockers for Edge, at least by my cursory search. Instead, I found a video on YouTube (lol) documenting how I could disable Microsoft Edge from ever running. This was a surprisingly easy fix and I'm happy I took care of it. 

Today I'm going to have to block some other websites from my phone. In addition, and I wanted to give myself 90 days before eliminating another source of escapism, but I'm going to do a temporary ban on sports consumption at home or on my phone for 30 days.  Sports at bars will be acceptable since there is a social context for this and a much higher barrier to bingeing. This was my OG addiction when I was a kid. It's nowhere near as bad now, but it's a good gateway drug into obsessive internet use. 

My purpose for doing this is not to avoid sports, per se, but to continue pushing myself to accept reality and live in reality. I fantasize and escape way too much. I need to keep exposing myself to life  until it becomes tolerable--the new norm. I must practice better alternatives to quiet my mind and handle the stress. 

---Anyway, that sixty day review I mentioned---

Again, I'm really proud of myself for making it 60 days without watching any video game content or playing any video game content. That was the longest I've gone in a long time, especially as in the past I would view video game content with less reservations, though in the back of my mind I was treating it like porn. 

What changes have I made in my life since?

-I go to bed much earlier, and get up much earlier on average.

-I am at work about an hour earlier than usual. 

-I started to get back on Tinder.

-I have been much more consistent at the gym, often averaging two visits a week, up from zero.

-I have had more time to read and consume self-help and psychology material.

-My self-image has improved...slightly. 

-I spend less at the workplace cafeteria as a result of being more diligent in preparing meals. I've also lost about 4 pounds because of this.  

-I have learned to be a bit more assertive and aggressive with obstacles.

-My home is cleaner.

Has there been any negatives?

-I am super stressed out and anxious. I need to get a therapist (still working through that). Work makes me feel fucking awful sometimes, in part because it's insane, and in part because I'm not happy with my performance. Oftentimes, I do not have the energy to do anything by Friday, and I go home and go to sleep. I take multiple breaks in a workday to go to my car and meditate briefly, and I'm still feeling like my head is going to explode. I've had fleeting thoughts to punch holes in walls and drive my car into telephone poles just so I can pity myself. It's embarrassing to admit but it's the truth. I guess that's what you get for finally starting to pay attention to your emotions after 20 years. 

-I have gone through huge waves of depression, mostly in part because I'm realizing what the effect of ignoring my responsibility to myself has done to me. In a way, this is a bonus, as I'm starting to recognize depression as a signal for action. It still sucks though.

-I don't think I can restate this enough...I am super stressed out and anxious.

As one can tell, there is much room for improvement, but I'm happy with the progress so far. I could not do this without the support of the community. I didn't realize how much I missed you all--this is an incredibly positive community. I am amazed every day to see people who struggle the same as I do, who constantly go out of their way to bring others up with them. You all are an inspiration to me. Thank you.

TLDR: :)

 

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Day 64

No VG - 64 day streak

No SAH - 1 day streak

100% clean today. I found myself craving to check news throughout the day, but thankfully the amount of time I did so was minimal. I also found myself typing in a sports site on my phone from sheer habit, but thankfully I had the website blocked already. I feel a little anxiety as there was an event that happened last night that I wanted to check the score of. It's really silly honestly--I'm not the one who is playing, so really I should not wrap up so much of my self-esteem, emotions, and image in such a thing. It can be simple good fun, but it also can be a great defense mechanism/palliative when I'm stressed out, which is maladaptive. However, I felt strangely better when I realized I was paying more attention to reality, even though the stress was still there.

Work was particularly stressful and frustrating today. Most of my job description is to organize complex projects, but I always get so flustered when I miss something or something goes wrong. Today was just that, all day long. I better start learning to enjoy this or else I should strongly consider finding another line of work. I can't complain too much though since it pays well.  I just need to continue learning to organize better and learn from my mistakes.

Tomorrow will be another busy day. In early, and class late. I must find time to take good care of myself tomorrow.

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Keep going! We've all avoided the difficult realities of life by playing games, and most of us have something stressful waiting for us when we quit. It gets better the more attention we give to real life, the more time passes away from fake worlds. 

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Very, very true @fawn_xoxo. It is amazing to me how long I lived my life without that realization. Reality was never really an option until recently.

Day 65

No VG - 65 day streak

No SAH - 2 day streak

I'ma keep this quick since it is very late and I need to wake up in four hours. 

Work busy, surprise surprise. Made progress on an annoying project though. Watched some of the World Cup with some co-workers while working (social situation, akin to bars, doesn't affect my SAH streak). 

Improv class tonight went reasonably well. The premises on some of my scenes were really good, and I'm starting to realize some of my bad tendencies thanks to my instructor. We went out for drinks after which was nice too.

I need to make it through tomorrow, sleep, enjoy July 4th, and then I have to work the weekend. After that, it's kind of non-stop for a bit. I need to get my car horn fixed, I need to get my new lease signed on the 10th, my cousin is getting married on the 12th, and I start moving on the 15th, and I need to be moved out by the 22nd. I need to find time to recharge, but this month is probably going to be quite difficult.

 

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Day 66

No VG - 66 day streak

No SAH - 3 day streak

100% clean today. Overslept my alarm this morning, and was still very sleep deprived. Didn't have breakfast until I got to work and boy was I hangry. Breakfast made me much less irritated about small things at work. Thankfully work went well enough. I had to perform a decent amount of equipment testing today and it went well. I might have to work a little bit tomorrow though to prepare for Friday. I need to re-evaluate this in the morning, especially after I take some time for myself.

I did mindlessly search news websites for a little bit today, but I've kept it to a minimum. I also did some google searches for sporting events I might want to watch at a bar this weekend, which I think is valid. There was one event tonight which I wanted to see, but I was so tired when I got home, I went to sleep for four hours. 

At a bare minimum tomorrow, I want to go to the gym, and perhaps if I wake up early enough, go to the beach for a little. We shall see.

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Day 67

No VG - 67 day streak

No SAH - 0 day streak

Well, apparently sports is harder than to avoid than video games. After I woke up and wrote my post last night, I was too relaxed and ended up streaming sports (no-no) and then doing similarly this morning since I slept in. I was avoiding reality since I have a lot I need to take care of. I'm writing this post a little bit earlier tonight so I can get back on track. I've been going on the dopamine train for quite a while today.

What am I avoiding the most right now? 

-Feeling stuck at home.

-Fearing the contractor work tomorrow through the weekend as I feel underprepared. 

-Getting in contact with old friends.

-Cooking.

-Still haven't gone to the gym. 

-Need to call home.

-Need to start working through more of my goals list and scheduling my weeks.

-Need to be more organized.

If I tackle these items for the next 5-6 hours I'll feel much better.

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Day 69

No VG - 69 day streak

No SAH - 2 day streak

100% clean yesterday but it  was difficult. I keep trying to rationalize why reading sports news is okay. The truth is I want to give it up for 30 days so I can focus on other areas of my life. However, my brain keeps telling me it's not that bad, and I ultimately forget why I started this in the first place. I felt this for quite some time at the start giving up video games. It is going to take some time to see the benefits which will hopefully outweigh the feeling like I'm missing out on an opportunity. 

I was really depressed on Thursday, I ended up calling my parents after my post, and when talking to my dad, I opened up quite a bit and just started sobbing. I really hate my life right now. I called another therapist's office on Friday and came to a realization that many of these therapists are booked up. This is the third one I've called in a row that was said to not be taking patients. The receptionist called me back to say "call five or six at a time." I asked her why, and she said "it's a sign of the times." That's messed up. 

Friday was weird too, I had a contractor working for me and we ended up working 14 hours. We had the weekend booked too just in case, but we all wanted to save two days of work and just get it done. It was nice because I got to distract my mind a bit.

Now it's a Saturday morning, and I'm technically free today, though I really should spend some time at work since I need to complete more testing by Monday morning. I also technically should not go to work per company procedures but oh well, fuck that. I won't spend the whole day there though since I need some me time.

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Sorry to hear you're struggling man.

As fawn said in an earlier post, quitting our typical escape methods means sometimes we have to cope with really awful feelings that we used to suppress, so it's natural there are some ups and downs. Take care of yourself, try not to be too hard on yourself when you do slip up on sports for example. You're still game free, and that's an achievement in itself, sports will come in time. Stick to your guns and keep fighting, and we'll be here if you need us.

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Day 70

No VG - 70 day streak

No SAH - 0 day streak

@ElectroNugget, thanks for the support, man. This is definitely a down right now, and I just need to continue facing fears instead of running from them like I have for so long. I am quite happy I've avoided video games for this long, but this sports thing is hard since I really have no intent of fully writing it off. I just want to do it temporarily so I can further focus on real life.

---

Past two days were bad. I just was on my computer all day yesterday and today, and I fended off some temptations to watch esports. I did not go into work over the weekend. And that's going to piss a lot of people off because it's going to mean more work for them. I was just so burnt out from everything recently, and I didn't have all the resources I needed to complete my testing anyway. The stress from work is honestly part of why I numbed myself so much this weekend. 

On the bright side, I made a new weekly schedule, which I tried to start following today. It started out well, but then I went back to some old bad habits. I did spend more time than usual on cleaning my apartment, so now it's in a pretty good condition. 

On a side note, I am amazed how enamored I am with the hero's journey, how I'd like to follow that, and how frequently I reject that path. It's like there's a part of me that wants to continue failing, verifying everything that's happened up until now. It wants pity and no responsibility, like a child. 

For the rest of tonight, I'm going to clean up a bit, call home, meditate, and read for a bit.

 

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Day 71 

No VG - 71 day streak

No SAH - 1 day streak

100% clean today. Today was a struggle. I was very tired at work because I did some extra reading last night, and because I still don't feel well. I had to help with some equipment work, and didn't do much else. It wasn't the most efficient use of my time. However, it was good for my mood, as it sort of distracted my mind and I was doing something productive. 

On the bright side, I was finally able to get a hold of a therapist. I will see him Monday evening. That's a relief. There's a lot I would like to work on, so if all goes well, I'll be seeing him for quite some time. I had a therapist late last year who didn't seem to care at all, and spent more time on his phone during some sessions than actually paying attention. I'm hoping this will go better, especially as now I think I have a better grasp of what I need to be focusing on.

 

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Agree about the therapists I have had some that pry and work with me and then I have had those that just nod and listen. I do think chances are you will have a good experience this time around knowing what you want help working on - best of luck.

Neil

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