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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


DaBest

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@Ikar, @TheNewMe2.0: Yeah, I'm not too worried about the flaking to be honest since I'm pretty used to it. All things considered I'd be rather okay setting up all this stuff, having some events end up being great despite flakes, in comparison to the past, where I wasn't setting up anything at all. Can't get flaked on if you don't ask 😄. On a serious note though, I will keep searching for better friends, but I'll also keep trying to be a better friend myself so these flakes happen less often. 

And yeah, I will make it a point of getting better photos especially as things warm up, and I will get better with online dating in general. I've neglected it too much in the past.

---

Early post since I'm starting to go off the rails. I'm honestly a bit tilted from living on an island at work. It's like the polar opposite of my old job. I really need some feedback from the person who is running my project, but honestly they are just ignoring me. Some of it is to be expected since they are rather high up on the food chain at my company, and I'm several rungs below. Personally, I'd like to have someone just one rung above mine handing me the work so I know I can get more consistent work and more consistent lines of communication going. I'm anxious since I have no idea what I'm really supposed to be doing right now. I got one two-sentence chat message from the guy the other day, promising we'd talk today, but that was it and it never happened. I'll reach out tomorrow. 

Also worked from home again today since I was still repaying that sleep debt from Sunday, so I am a little cooped up too. Really, all I want to do right now is just numb myself with dumb shit on the internet. 

Goals for tonight:

1) Dishes

2) Go outside for a quick walk

3) Respond to dating apps.

4) Workout a little

5) Read

6) In bed early, maybe a little meditation.

 

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11 hours ago, DaBest said:

@Ikar, @TheNewMe2.0: Yeah, I'm not too worried about the flaking to be honest since I'm pretty used to it. All things considered I'd be rather okay setting up all this stuff, having some events end up being great despite flakes, in comparison to the past, where I wasn't setting up anything at all. Can't get flaked on if you don't ask 😄. On a serious note though, I will keep searching for better friends, but I'll also keep trying to be a better friend myself so these flakes happen less often. 

And yeah, I will make it a point of getting better photos especially as things warm up, and I will get better with online dating in general. I've neglected it too much in the past.

---

Early post since I'm starting to go off the rails. I'm honestly a bit tilted from living on an island at work. It's like the polar opposite of my old job. I really need some feedback from the person who is running my project, but honestly they are just ignoring me. Some of it is to be expected since they are rather high up on the food chain at my company, and I'm several rungs below. Personally, I'd like to have someone just one rung above mine handing me the work so I know I can get more consistent work and more consistent lines of communication going. I'm anxious since I have no idea what I'm really supposed to be doing right now. I got one two-sentence chat message from the guy the other day, promising we'd talk today, but that was it and it never happened. I'll reach out tomorrow. 

Also worked from home again today since I was still repaying that sleep debt from Sunday, so I am a little cooped up too. Really, all I want to do right now is just numb myself with dumb shit on the internet. 

Goals for tonight:

1) Dishes

2) Go outside for a quick walk

3) Respond to dating apps.

4) Workout a little

5) Read

6) In bed early, maybe a little meditation.

 

I think you need to get it in the open with people you work with that you need open lines of communication and let them know you need more guidance and explanation on your tasks or else you're going to stress yourself out, start dreading work, and look for escapism again. 

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1 hour ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

I was never able to do well on dating apps. I got a gf from one and things went horribly she was not good to me. I still think about trying them out again but I don't know. I think it'll probably go poorly again for me.

I just don't think it's meant for men to succeed on it unless they're extremely attractive and show no desire for commitment. 

I'm still an advocate for meeting naturally in person but that's tough right now. 

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@BooksandTrees, agreed. I did manage to speak to the guy today during an impromptu meeting, and I have something set up for tomorrow morning with him too. I can bring it up in a professional manner. I don't think it was intentional on his part. His main role is bringing business into the company and keeping everyone employed, so I'll see if I can get my point across, understanding that I don't necessarily need more of his time, just some more brief guidance here and there.

And to @TheNewMe2.0 as well, yeah they are really tuned for highly attractive people without commitment, but at least it gives something to strive for. More reasons to better myself.

---

Today was a bit of a wash, it's late, but thanks to all the stuff going on in DC, my neuroticism and flight-or-fight kicked into high-gear. I'm grateful it wasn't worse, though still not happy at all with what happened. I'm really not happy with a lot of things my country does, on both sides. I'm not the only one either. 

And that's about as political as I want to get with this journal.

It did affect the last bit of work I had today so I need  to put in a good effort tomorrow. I also, MUST go into work tomorrow. I literally had my stuff in the car after lunch, but for really dumb and boring reasons, I didn't go today. 

I'm fired up to do better right now. I left a lot on the table today.

Oh, and I calmed down a bunch after the walk last night. Got some of the other stuff done too. It was a good save at the end of the day.

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I'm kinda really losing my mind today. I'm super on edge. Tired, frustrated, have more work still, head feels like it wants to explode. 

I'm super tired from yesterday and I think it's messing with me a bit. I'm also frustrated at myself for being so needy for my computer and stuff. 

I've been doing the best I can to meditate and journal and keep moving forward. I started out working from home today, but I actually went in after lunch. All things considered, I'm really proud of doing that because not going would've made today much worse. I keep catching little mistakes that I've lost track of and I'm just frustrated with myself. I need to do better, not just at work but in a lot of things. 

Just ignore this post, I'm venting a bit.

Going back to work in a sec.

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Quick post:

I'll recap what happened after my last post later, but things got a bit worse before they got better. I am doing better now.

Quick goal list for today:

1) No more Twitter or YouTube for today.

2) Before golfing, just finish hygiene and go.

3) Come home, eat, then go to gym.

4) Clean up house.

5) Read/study for a little bit

6) Reach out to people via text/use dating apps/find social events for tomorrow, if possible.

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Back.

Was rather dumb last week. I worked from home way too much, which made it so easy for me to get into bad habits. I was nearly losing my mind by midweek. Add on a couple of late nights and I couldn't function.

I went to work after lunch on Thursday, which was really needed. Friday I worked from home again because I was tired, but went to a real freaking happy-hour with a buddy from my old workplace. It was the first time I had done that in a YEAR. It felt so good, and even more important, it was another social gathering. Win.

Saturday and Sunday I didn't get anywhere near as much done as I would've liked, though I did finally go golfing with one of the people from last week who had to bail. Another win.

I actually went into work today, which helped me stay more focused. My anxiety was starting to jump up a bit at times, but overall I did a good job of getting through it. I felt more competent, which helped to calm those feelings. Funny how that works...

I also got my gym membership re-upped today. I'm very excited to get back to the gym and spend less time at home. I was talking to the owner about Covid a bit, since there are capacity restrictions and I was wondering when I shouldn't go, simply because it's cold and I don't want to wait outside. He said they had no outbreaks traced back to them the whole time. It's what I expected but good news nonetheless. I was sad though since the place was so empty, unlike before. Neverthless, I'm happy since that will be another thing to do away from the computer.

Logging off early. Another win.

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Ok. Good day.

Went to bed earlier last night. Got up earlier today. More meditation. More focus at work. Less garbage consumed, both food and internet. 

I also stayed two hours extra today at work just working on my development. I set up a big development plan for this year, which I never did before since I never saw how any of the things I was truly interested in were going to actually help me in my job. It's way better working on that compared to going on the internet for "fun," which today is going to be much less than normal. Downside is that it got so late I couldn't fit in a workout at the gym. I might do something quick at home. Maybe I can squeeze something in before therapy tomorrow.

Plan for the rest of the night:

1) Dishes

2) Mini-workout

3) Meditate/read/bed earlier than last night.

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Good day, quick post.

Work went well enough. Boss-boss was happy with some work I did. I was still stressed to the gills today though from something else I was working on because I had to look at some things I made mistakes on in the past. Thankfully, I got through the day thanks to noticing what was going on.

Spoke about this with my therapist today. We talked about a bunch of things, including not feeling like a good man. I could be doing a lot better in a lot of things. Even though I'm almost 30 I still feel like I'm becoming an adult. I can't beat myself up too much though, I'm happy I'm actually on this journey since I could still be gaming and not trying to get better.

Was going to hang out with my buddy online tonight. He didn't answer. I went to the gym and had my best leg workout in a year (I'll be broken tomorrow). Called him up after the workout and surprisingly he got up. It was good chatting with him. 

Anyway, bed time.

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Up-and-down day.

Woke up late but still went into work. Less mental anguish compared to yesterday. I did a decent job not reaching for my phone. What a stupid habit...

Went golfing after work and felt my back tweak slightly, and I got really depressed for a little bit. I've had so many injuries that have kept me from being active throughout my life, and it's just so disappointing and isolating every time. I eventually got myself together, and finished hitting the rest of the balls, just hitting lightly since it was only when I was swinging hard that was causing the issue. I worked on some other stuff. Glad I got through it. 

I've pretty much been on the computer since I got home. I'm going to get off now so I can not stay up all night.

I know this is mundane as hell, but it's how I keep myself accountable.

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Really tired today. Long day at work. Had a lunch with a vendor which took a while, but it was nice, because being social and stuff even though he just wants my money, haha. Damn near got spun out by some idiot on the highway on the way there, so because I'm in one piece, today was pretty damn good. I was really motivated during some points of the day but as the afternoon rolled around, I was dragging my feet a lot. Better than last week though, by a mile.

Got home and I'm basically dead. I'm going to sleep early and I'll go to the gym early. 

Next week I need to keep my sleep in better check. It wasn't that bad this week but the last half was suboptimal, especially now that I'm working out again. Also, got to continue cutting back on the internet usage. Did okay with that this week.

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Hey, glad to see you're still posting here almost daily even though it's been like yearssss. It is very nice and inspiring to read your entries from time to time. It's like, life as it is 🙂 You don't try to make things seem bright or dark, you describe them as they are, and that reminds me to be honest with myself, and others, too.

Thank you!

Po

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Thanks, @Pochatok! I'm glad you can find some value in it. I keep posting because it holds me accountable, and I want to get better--and if someone resonates with it and it helps them, even if it's one person, it's worth it. I've effectively stopped gaming a long time ago, and I maybe only cave in and actually game once a year or so now (usually for 16+ hours...) The problem is that once the gaming stopped, the addiction and attention went elsewhere. YouTube, porn, Twitter--it doesn't matter. I still am dealing with many of the same issues I did 5 years ago, only now they're better because I've kept trying, I have slightly better social skills, and I make a lot more money. I don't care how long it takes. All I care is I can beat the crap out of yesterday's version of me, every single day.

---

Today was a mixed bag. Got up early after getting a ton of sleep. Legs recovered SO much. However, I started going on my phone early. However, I still made it to the gym and crushed a good workout. Later I made it to the golf course (before I stiffened up), and practiced and had a really good session. I'm really starting to understand what's wrong in my swing and I'm figuring out how to fix it, correctly. A lot of the stuff my old coach was telling me makes sense now, and I'm crushing the ball way more often, and hitting it straighter. I actually saw my coach there today, and I said hi, and told him the good news. He seemed pretty excited too. Honestly, it was just great running into someone I knew randomly. I like moments like that.

Afterwards, I got to the grocery store a day early. Got some stuff for braised beef, which I'm about to demolish. The downside is that while this was going on I was watchling LoL esports, which I haven't done in a while. 

Today I reverted back to old habits a bit. because I lost track of my purpose, and perhaps because I was REALLY worn out after yesterday. I had my day to mess around. Tomorrow, it's back to work. I'm going to enjoy my beef, meditate a bit, go to bed, and kick tomorrow's ass. 

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50 minutes ago, DaBest said:

I keep posting because it holds me accountable, and I want to get better--and if someone resonates with it and it helps them, even if it's one person, it's worth it. I've effectively stopped gaming a long time ago, and I maybe only cave in and actually game once a year or so now (usually for 16+ hours...) The problem is that once the gaming stopped, the addiction and attention went elsewhere. YouTube, porn, Twitter--it doesn't matter. I still am dealing with many of the same issues I did 5 years ago, only now they're better because I've kept trying, I have slightly better social skills, and I make a lot more money. I don't care how long it takes. All I care is I can beat the crap out of yesterday's version of me, every single day.

I definitely connect with the idea of journaling as accountability. I would prefer to journal at the end of the day, but then a lot of times I'm "too tired" and want to just pass out on my bed. Any tips?

Also, you have made it this far. Maybe you don't need to beat the crap out of yourself 😉

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Good job pursuing gamequitting for 5 years. I can imagine that keeping on top of your life much more during that time led to making a lot more money. I too hope to make more money. I've been at this gamequitting for over a year and I've been a lot more on top of making money. I hope in three years I'll be making a lot more. I will probably have to transition to private practice in order to potentially make a lot more money. The only trouble with that is I don't feel that comfortable doing it. It would probably take a lot of effort and time to actually be successful at it and even if I put forth my best I still don't know if I'd make it. We'll see what happens. I could maybe get promoted at my current job someday.

Glad you had a good day with your golf and working out. Those are really good hobbies to be into. You coach sounds cool. Very enthusiastic. Ooh LoL esports that's not good. I've been able to gamequit well luckily, but I'm not able to stop myself from masturbating. That one eludes me. I'm working out legs today too. I can't lift weights with them because my legs cramp up for some reason but I'll just try to do body weight today.

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13 hours ago, championeal said:

I definitely connect with the idea of journaling as accountability. I would prefer to journal at the end of the day, but then a lot of times I'm "too tired" and want to just pass out on my bed. Any tips?

Also, you have made it this far. Maybe you don't need to beat the crap out of yourself 😉

I try to journal slightly earlier than the very end of my day- Either 2-3 hours before I am actually asleep, whenever I am catching a break during that time, or when I have just a couple things left to do before falling asleep. Like, if I have cleaning up and showering left, I'd do it right before or in-between these two.

Also, it helps to give more value to journaling. Try to make it more meaningful- for me it is a time to self-reflect, feel good about what happened during the day, and get excited for tomorrow. I suggest you try different formats until you find one that actually makes you excited about journaling every day. 

Cheers!

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Look at all this good stuff here!

@championeal: sure thing. Don't journal on your bed. If you fall asleep journaling at a desk or table, then you should have been in bed in the first place 😄. Also, like @Pochatok mentioned, you can push up the journaling time a few hours. I sometimes like to journal when I realize I'm going off the rails and about to go back into a lot of bad habits. Morning journaling can be good too if you have the time. 

And don't worry I'm beating the crap out of OLD me. He had it coming! For real though, I'm just obsessed with improving and getting back up if I fail. Every step I improve, is one step closer to the goal of a better life, and one step further away from my own personal hell.

@TheNewMe2.0: making more money is a culmination of habits, and not just a job, really. You're already in the process of doing that with all the stuff you have given up that isn't healthy for you. You'll never know if you can make it unless you try, but the good news is with every client session, you can hone your skills and craft, and then your chances of starting a successful private practice would go up. And to boot, you are already taking great steps by trying to get your hours up and trying to get a good supervisor that will support you. It's just going to take time and effort.

---

Today was another mixed bag. I was up late last night because I was being stupid. That will not happen tonight. I fell asleep on my couch too, which was the first in a while.

I started the day hanging out online with a friend. Being online so early isn't great, but I need to jump on social opportunities. Usually, we meet at night my time, so this isn't normally a big deal.

Afterwards I went to the driving range, and MURDERED EVERY SINGLE BALL AND IT WAS AWESOME! For real, I just had the intention of fixing one mechanical thing and just trying to hit certain kinds of shots at max speed, and the scary part was I was hitting it much straighter than normal. Then, when I hit a few (10?) shots at a normal speed, just controlling for direction and shape, it was SO MUCH EASIER! Everything my coach had said before kind of clicked, and so now I can just mash the ball since I'm a tall and lanky dude, so I basically use my arms and club like a bullwhip. I was sweating, panting, and giggling with how absurdly farther I was hitting the ball, even compared to my max hits at the past. I added about 30 yards on my 7-iron this weekend, and now I can hit it straight. HOLY MOLY. A lot of my problems were fixed. I still have a tendency to push/fade, and I still can slice the ball, but it isn't nearly every shot anymore. I know this means nothing to anyone, but I busted my ass for this over 6 months and I'm figuring it out. I CAN FIX STUFF!

After that, I went to the gym for a leg workout because I'm a masochist (my poor back.) I started with squats which were fine, but then I noticed some olympic-style plates and I decided to deadlift for the first time in two+ years. Light weights for both because I'm out of shape, but I was gassed. I stopped deadlifting earlier than I wanted since my back was getting so tired, especially after torquing the heck out of it just two hours prior. Let's see if I can get out of bed in the morning.

What didn't go so well was watching more esports. Just a few hours (it could've been worse), but I think I have it out of my system now. 

I'm procrastinating on work a bit. I need to work tomorrow a bit even though I have MLK day off, and it will be good for my mental health too since I will have less time to sit on my computer. 

Anyway, I'm going to meditate for a bit, go to bed at a reasonable hour, and make tomorrow a really productive day. 

 

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@DaBesthey, I just started reading your journal. You have been achieving so much, congrats! About watching e-sports I relate, I used to watch esports even though I wasnt playing anymore. I`d recommend you finding another interest that can make you watch as long videos. For me, it's Jiu Jitsu and Calisthenics. 

After starting to watch these kind of videos, it was easy to reduce the watch time, since there arent as addictive as esports.

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Ya we'll see what happens. I do need to find a new supervisor. I'll keep looking this week. Great job making serious progress with your golf game. That sounds very satisfying. I kind of wish I had MLK day off. We only get so few holidays off it isn't much unfortunately. I'll be working today, can't really afford to take it off and just straight up miss work. Well I guess I could, but I'd have to reschedule everything to Saturday and that's just too much work to take off this holiday I think. I only do that for like New Years, Christmas, Thanksgiving and other few holidays. Happy MLK day though. Hoope your backs alright.

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@A New Man, thanks for the advice. I've been doing a bit of that recently, but honestly the esports was just a lapse in judgment and too much free time. I used to train bjj before my hips gave out...man I loved it so much. If I had been able to keep with that all my problems would be fixed and I probably wouldn't be here, lol. 

---

Another mixed bag day. 

Good: 

-Got a lot of sleep.

-Meditated TWICE.

-Went to gym and did active recovery instead of sitting on my ass.

-Made a care package for the troops as part of a MLK Day of Service thing my company hosted. I took care of this relatively early today, and being that I had an irrational amount of anxiety about this, I'm happy. Basically didn't procrastinate with this, which is great.

-Did 3 loads of laundry.

-Did 2 loads of dishes.

-Didn't really go on Twitter all too much.

-YouTube stuff was almost exclusively focused on working out. I did not watch any esports today.

-About to get off my laptop relatively early. 

Areas to Improve:

-I didn't work at all and I really should've. I did get up a little late today so I could stay up a little later if I really wanted, but we will see. 

-I didn't study for my exam like I had hoped.

-I'm avoiding some stuff besides the top two things. 

-I'm basically avoiding stuff, and generally speaking the hardest stuff.

One thing I don't think would be smart is to stay up late at the start of a work week. That's always a really dumb move. I can always work late tomorrow, and still get to bed at a reasonable time. If that happens, tomorrow can be a full rest day from the gym. 

What would help set me up well for the week is if I took care of some of the smaller items I've been avoiding and continued to clean up my house. Set myself up for the best start to the week. 

This weekend could've been handled better, but it also could've been handled much worse. It was better than average, so I'll be content for now. Look to improve next weekend.

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Day went ok.

Woke up late, but still got my meditation in and got in at a reasonable time. I had a horrible night's sleep last night. Nightmares all night long. Ever since I started meditating I've been remembering a lot more of my dreams and they are 90% nightmares or just negative and stressful. Usually, I remember none, and I always wrote that off to not getting enough sleep. Well, maybe it's because I don't want to remember them since they kinda suck. 

I got through the job deliverable I said I was. I did have to stay a little late, but not much. It's not perfect, but it's good enough for a quick review, another round of edits, and off to the client on time. Overall, with the little time I had, I think I did an admirable job. 

I could've gotten done sooner today if it weren't for lots of little phone grabs throughout the day. It usually happens once an hour when I get up to take a 5 minute break--kind of like a pomodoro for you productivity hackers out there. Tomorrow I'm going to focus more on either walking, stretching, meditating, or reading something fun when I take those breaks. 

Going to try and get to bed a smidge earlier tonight. Peace.

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I was on fire today.

Start wasn't the best. I was really tired from the past few days and slept in an extra hour. Started work from home, and was productive and motivated. Had an awesome meditation session. Went to work after lunch, killed it there too. Got home, went to gym, and then hung out with a friend online afterwards.

Oh, and most importantly, I did a much better job not reaching for my phone at work today. The only time I did that was when I was bored in the middle of a meeting while my camera was off. In retrospect though, that's still building a bad habit so I shouldn't have done it. Food for thought for tomorrow.

I think my one improvement for tomorrow will be to set my alarm clock back a bit. I will either show up to work at my normal time, or start work from home a little earlier, without sitting in my bed and NOT sleeping. Either sleep or don't. Don't just sit there. It's a little late right now so I'll make an allowance for this since I was just being social, but I'll leave this to Thursday mornings only because of that.

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Overall good day.

Got up late, again, but basically par for the course this week. I was not in bed as long as yesterday. Decided to work from home in the morning. Wasn't super-productive but I had no billable work so, eh? Went to work after lunch and found out I was going to get put on another project in the meantime, which is exciting since it's a cool project from what I've heard. I start on that tomorrow. 

It was funny though because the initial ask is something I haven't done before and is a little outside my skillset. Instantly, I was tired, cranky, and wanting to reach for my phone. Really, it was just loads of self-doubt and an irrational thought process. I recently started writing these thoughts down on paper after listening to a Tim Ferriss podcast that was talking about regulating one's "inner voice." It's actually a pretty powerful technique in the moment. What I'll do is write the irrational/negative thought I'm having on one side of the paper and let the "voice" say what it wants to. Then I flip the page over, analyze it rationally and realize 99% of it is BS, and then my focus comes back and I'm not acting like a child anymore. 

Afterwards I was hyper-focused and did a lot of development work since I need a) a run down on the project and b) software downloaded onto my laptop tomorrow so I can actually do the work. I stayed pretty late. I'm much more motivated to develop myself as an engineer now, since it seems to actually benefit me way more in this role than my old job.

And to finish it all off, I made it to the gym and got a good leg workout in. Added weight, no injuries, good progress. Tomorrow's goal is to spend even less time in bed in the morning.

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