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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


DaBest

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Yeah kids can be a real handful sometimes. My kid likes ice cream and inappropriate humor so at least we can get along a little on those two points. Although hopefully his mom doesn't hear him talk about fart jokes or whatever. Glad to see you're doing things with your golf, dating and work. I'm especially excited to hear about your potential new job. I want to put in my two weeks too. But I know that's probably months away because I have to build up a caseload at the new job before quitting the old one. That's okay I just hope it comes in a reasonable amount of time. Yours sounds like it may come sooner than that though. Good luck.

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On 10/12/2020 at 10:14 AM, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Yeah kids can be a real handful sometimes. My kid likes ice cream and inappropriate humor so at least we can get along a little on those two points. Although hopefully his mom doesn't hear him talk about fart jokes or whatever. Glad to see you're doing things with your golf, dating and work. I'm especially excited to hear about your potential new job. I want to put in my two weeks too. But I know that's probably months away because I have to build up a caseload at the new job before quitting the old one. That's okay I just hope it comes in a reasonable amount of time. Yours sounds like it may come sooner than that though. Good luck.

Don't worry, you'll be able to make that switch soon enough. You're doing the right thing by building the client base first before jumping ship. That's very prudent.

On 10/12/2020 at 5:28 AM, Ikar said:

I think these two contradict themselves. If you play golf, work out at a gym or do improv, you can connect with others and get better at the thing at the same time. Dating apps make you better at being on dating apps; some writing and taking photos, but that's it, let alone some profiles are borderline soft-core porn.

I made a habit of talking to decent-looking girls sitting/standing alone in social environments (classes, student club, game nights etc.) and believe me, there's a lot of decent looking girls out there. I think the current situation is even favorable for this; people organize smaller events with people they already know, creating a more warm and welcoming atmosphere. I think it's better to spend 3 hours at an event once a week than to check dating apps 3 times a day for 10 minutes, because you're gonna meet the girl outside one day regardless.

I see where you're coming from, and agree with some parts and not others. It can just be porn, and especially the initial interactions aren't the best and don't really feel like they build the best connection. However, if it leads to a date, that's where connection can happen, which is the goal. It's a means to an end--a tool. I'd much rather to prefer to go the meeting people via other's social networks, but I didn't have a very large social network prior to this and now I'm trying to build it up, and build it bigger than before. In addition, I'll just be completely honest and that I still suck at approaching strangers and developing quick connections. In shared events or where something is pre-planned, I can get into flow and open up much easier. It's a weak point I need to work on, and was working on prior to this pandemic. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and start doing this again.

---

I am so freaking close to leaving. Spoke with new company on Monday and they said they wanted to talk compensation. We did and we will firm up the negotiation and send the paperwork on this Tuesday as the HR guy was out on vacation. So 2.5 weeks left, possibly. This is great as I am super jaded right now and really pissed off at work. 

The money (from what we discussed), while an increase in base pay, is actually a slight paycut overall due to benefits. I don't care so much right now. I think this will be much better for overall quality of life. My salary jumped big-time this year even before this, so I can't complain, especially given how many have not been so lucky. I'm very grateful for this chance.

These next two weeks will be very difficult at work just due to sheer workload. I will get through it and feel relieved.

The happiness course is keeping me somewhat sane, I think.

Things I'm grateful for: being unfiltered when I'm comfortable, pasta, saving myself a lot of work with a refined and polite argument, saying no, maybe just maybe moving in the right direction again.

 

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Yeah I'm switching over just a few hours at a time. So I'll slowly quit my job over the course of maybe 2 months? I hope it's not much more than 2 months if that. I drop 3 hours of the old job, fill it from the new job, then repeat. It'll probably take a week or two for every 3 hours I switch over unless we get a lot of clients. I want to leave my old job too. I hope you're new job fares well for you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Lotsa updates.

About a week and a half ago, I handed in my two weeks notice. I AM FREE!!!!!!!

I'm really excited about the new gig, and can't wait to start a new journey. Just to trigger @BooksandTrees a bit, it's a consulting/design engineering gig in my field, in which I will be gladly working to my EIT and a PE license (keep studying bud!) I am very excited about the team and I didn't realize my new boss is a guy I actually had working for me a few months ago. They never mentioned it during the interview process until I asked them when they started mentioning numbers and I thought I hadn't spoken to my new boss. I like the guy and he understood how fucked my situation was where I currently am. Please, please, please let this guy be more rational.

My boss seemed pretty indifferent, which given the state of our department, is VERY concerning. I think I got out at the right time. The director also tried to entice me with a position made specifically for me and my interests, which was actually quite intriguing, but I don't see being able to get away from my old work. I was very candid in our conversation, and he mentioned that he thinks that my departure (and others) means he might have focused on the wrong areas for the past few years. I agree with this, and to hear this humility was actually surprising, welcomed, and makes me hopeful for their future. 

The thing that surprised me the most is the outpouring of nice comments, well wishing, and reaction I got from people on the site. I didn't realize how much of a positive impact I made on many people's lives. After a while, it was kind of clear I had hurt some by my departure, and for the rest of the day, I didn't feel great. I was over it by the next day though, as I have to put me first. It also made me realize for the first time in my life, I was popular. When I was 14, I thought everyone in the world hated me. Now I am 28, and I have to contend with the fact that a lot of people actually like me, and I was entirely numb to this fact for a LONG time. I am a much different person now to be sure, but this still shakes my frame of reference. I'm glad for it--I can tell now this has shaped my interactions with people and have made me much more confident and accepting of myself.

My last day is next Friday, and I will be asking a girl out from work now that I am avoiding what I like to call, the "don't-shit-where-you-eat rule." First time I've done this in a while. I don't care how it goes either way, but I'm happy for the opportunity. 

Also, golf has been going good. I am so grateful for golf now. I cannot believe how many events I've planned in the past three months. It's probably more than I've planned in the past 5 years, no lie. I'm getting much better too, which is nice. I played the same place as my first round about two months ago, and shaved off thirty shots from last time, despite playing stupid for the last 14 holes or so. The first four holes were EASILY my best string of 4 holes ever. Two doubles on long par fours (my nemesis), a bogey on a long par four (holy moly), followed up with a par save on a par 3 (WOO!). I'm looking forward to starting lessons again now that my big past couple weeks of work are over.

Lastly, I've had a couple of moments recently where I've been very good about leaving the computer to the side and doing other stuff. Often, if I just sit for a few minutes when I'm at home, I get bored and either sleep or do something more interesting. I'm also working on not opening my phone the second I park my car and also not going on my phone when I get up in the morning (this is hard). 

Overall, I think things have been on an upswing the past few weeks. Lockdowns might've knocked me down earlier this year, but I am coming back. 

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Congratulations on your new job. It's good to see you so happy about the change. I hope it goes well for you and your boss is more rational. Good to hear golf is going well too. It's nice to have a hobby to pass the time in an enjoyable fashion. I'm starting my new job today. It'll still be at least a month before I'm putting in my two weeks notice but hopefully the new job hours start to pile up and I can start quitting more and more hours at the old job soon. I just hope training goes smoothly for the both of us.

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I'm just going to make a quick post.

Week has been busy. I stayed up way too late last night watching election stuff. Messed with my sleep a bit, but I still got to work on time and worked a full day. Writing up my "mega-project-status-update-report" has been particularly anxiety inducing because a), I'm getting a billion other requests right now and I can't work on them because I have to focus on this, and b), I'm finding out even more stuff that fell through the cracks. I'm at six pages single spaced right now and I'm not even halfway through yet. All my new, soon to be old, boss asks for is status updates. Honestly one of the least helpful managers I've ever worked for. 

I'm feeling oddly motivated to get off the computer tonight, and perhaps that's just because I'm really tired, or perhaps it's because I want to be the best person I can be right now. I've been thinking about that a lot the past few days.

I'm going to turn off my computer now. Either I sleep or I do stuff around the house. Either way it's progress and a step towards re-wiring my brain.

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I fell asleep, and woke up 10 hours later. Good.

I'm going to do this again, but this time not on the couch.

Day went well enough I guess. I finished the mega report. 16 pages single spaced. My old team is going to hate me for leaving.

Was a little offput today about some responses to my proposal for a golf outing to my normal group I go with. It was a less than stellar response. Not going to lie I feel a bit down about it, and it makes me feel unworthy in a way. It makes me feel like a kid when my friends would ultimately always leave me in the end. 

However, writing this down now, I can see how this is irrational. I'm not a kid. I can't control others. I never know the whole story. I still have people around me. I still have worth.

Anyway, computer off shortly. Tomorrow's gonna be weird.

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19 minutes ago, DaBest said:

I fell asleep, and woke up 10 hours later. Good.

I'm going to do this again, but this time not on the couch.

Day went well enough I guess. I finished the mega report. 16 pages single spaced. My old team is going to hate me for leaving.

Was a little offput today about some responses to my proposal for a golf outing to my normal group I go with. It was a less than stellar response. Not going to lie I feel a bit down about it, and it makes me feel unworthy in a way. It makes me feel like a kid when my friends would ultimately always leave me in the end. 

However, writing this down now, I can see how this is irrational. I'm not a kid. I can't control others. I never know the whole story. I still have people around me. I still have worth.

Anyway, computer off shortly. Tomorrow's gonna be weird.

Don't sweat it. Plans work and then they don't work. I wouldn't let it impact you too long. Weather is getting shitty soon anyways and people are stressed from the virus, election, work, etc. 

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9 hours ago, DaBest said:

Was a little offput today about some responses to my proposal for a golf outing to my normal group I go with. It was a less than stellar response. Not going to lie I feel a bit down about it, and it makes me feel unworthy in a way. It makes me feel like a kid when my friends would ultimately always leave me in the end. 

Don't worry about it. The ability to organize and hold these small events gradually gets better over time the more we interact with people. You put in the effort and if you do it again, the results might be better. I think this might become a problem only if you do this a few times and people are still acting dodgy; then they might not see you as "the organizer".

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Fair, fair @BooksandTrees and @Ikar. I know I was being irrational there. Honestly, I can't complain. The fact that I'm doing this and actually planning more events is a big step forward for me. There will be hiccups along the way. 

---

Rest of the weekend was one of the more relaxed and least filled with pre-Monday anxiety. Damn it feels good.

Kept the home relatively clean this weekend and slept nearly 11 hours last night. I put my money where my mouth was and turned my laptop off a little early and fell straight asleep on my couch. My energy is pretty low still. I am going to have to start really focusing on mental and physical health at the same time. 

Saturday itself was gorgeous. Hit the driving range and somehow opened a massive blister on my right hand. Started hitting my 3-iron well and then got really mentally tight and struggled for the rest of the session. That carried into today and I couldn't hit my 3-iron anything but right. Mental block. 7-iron and wedge was fine, and my chipping and putting improved as well. I was starting to get annoyed by all the slicing though. Whatever, I'll keep practicing. Had some small wins today and I should enjoy them. 

I did feel irrationally lonely on my way home. I talked myself out of it. 

Tomorrow is my first day of new work and I'll be asking out the woman from my old workplace.  Got to go to bed now. Peace.

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Interesting day. 

First day at the new place. Man that place was EMPTY.  It was an almost completely deserted office building, which was also much bigger than the place I used to work. No real need to have people on-site for the most part since it's just an office with no process equipment. I did get to meet a few people in person though, which was good. Also, it's going to be a few weeks before I get any real work, so I'll just work on myself during that time. 

Aaaaaaand, I DID ask that girl out once I got home from work. I was initially elated, then tempered my reaction when I got "It's definitely not a no, but I'm about ready to move right now and things are crazy." Considering this was by far the hottest woman I've ever asked out--and one where I had no idea about their interest levels prior--I was just happy I did it. 

I can read between the lines a little bit and got the sense that they were a) surprised, and b) a bit hesitant. Nonetheless, I'm going to ask again in a bit once she finishes moving--I'll just take her at her word. Until I get a no, I don't fucking care. And if I get a no, I'll move on, because there's a bunch of other good women out there. I'm just proud I showed some real balls for once. It's been a while.

Good times. Take the wins where you can. Improve and iterate.

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Thanks @TheNewMe2.0. Moving does suck doesn't it? I have moved probably seven times in the past ten years and it's exactly because of that I don't like to buy that much stuff. Stuff is just a hassle.

---

Day 2 at work down, one step closer to design work. I was learning about some of the projects my company is involved with right now, and all I can say is that I was wowed and really excited. They also had way more projects in one particular field than I was expecting--and this was kind of the field I wanted to get a Ph.D. in a while back. I was legitimately excited to be an engineer. I hadn't really felt that in my old job.

My motivation to workout has been stronger recently. I realize that I really want to get serious about getting a girlfriend and that I really should sort out the physical issues I have as well. Overall, me wanting to, and finally asking that girl out has kind of lit an evolutionary fire under my ass. It feels...right. And it probably is, especially given that I've spent a long time ignoring issues.

Other wins from today: getting up early, being focused at work, not spending as much time on the internet--even at work, enjoying a walk on a beautiful day, dealing with issues quicker.

 

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Totally. Stuff becomes a hassle when you move that often. I just don't have much of it because that's kind of how my mom raised me to be. Don't have much stuff or spend much money. I'm glad the new job is going well for you. That sounds like it's a really good fit so far. Working out is great I hope that works out for you.

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Well shit got rough.

Yesterday I got a request from my boss's boss to help on a massive project and basically develop a list of 1000+ pieces of equipment that would be needed to build a new facility, basically by Monday. And 80% of it is with stuff I am not familiar with.  So much for that change. 

It didn't hit me hard yesterday, but it did today when I decided to work from home. Resentment, fear, anger, insecurity. This then led into lonliness, despair, woe-is-me, and nihilism very quikckly. It was particuarly high driving to and from my golf lesson in the evening. I felt so alone and so hopeless. Like I couldn't do anything right and that I wasn't worthy of love. Or some BS like that. 

This is obviously irrational and mostly in part due to my anxiety going from 0 to 100 in no time at all. If I gave up a long time ago, I wouldn't be where I am today, which I'm honestly not super happy with, but it is still light years away from where I was before and I CANNOT forget that. That is my life jacket. If it weren't for the incremental improvements I've made over time, I wouldn't have overcome as much as I have. 

If I'm also really that sick and tired from being lonely. I need to keep reaching out to people and bringing them into my life. 

I am also going to have to learn to live more in the present and continue being grateful. 

If I am going to get better at this job, I am going to not have to panic at day 1. If the workloads are always this stupid, I can go tell them to fuck right off and do something else. The first year will suck. I will have to put some extra time towards it. Simple.

For tonight, I'm going to meditate for a little and go to bed. Golf tomorrow. No more work tonight. Worry about that after golf.

I'm grateful for: journaling, moments of clarity, golf, moments of being tested, being able to draw on past shitty experiences for strength, my golf coach.

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Good job persevering at your new job even with this project they have you working on that sounds pretty ludicrous.  Sorry they're giving you work that is sort of not that reasonable to expect you to do. I always want work that I know how to do and can just zone out and complete each week. Learning new stuff is a major chore for me. Well. Glad golf is still going well for you too.

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10 hours ago, DaBest said:

Well shit got rough.

Yesterday I got a request from my boss's boss to help on a massive project and basically develop a list of 1000+ pieces of equipment that would be needed to build a new facility, basically by Monday. And 80% of it is with stuff I am not familiar with.  So much for that change. 

It didn't hit me hard yesterday, but it did today when I decided to work from home. Resentment, fear, anger, insecurity. This then led into lonliness, despair, woe-is-me, and nihilism very quikckly. It was particuarly high driving to and from my golf lesson in the evening. I felt so alone and so hopeless. Like I couldn't do anything right and that I wasn't worthy of love. Or some BS like that. 

This is obviously irrational and mostly in part due to my anxiety going from 0 to 100 in no time at all. If I gave up a long time ago, I wouldn't be where I am today, which I'm honestly not super happy with, but it is still light years away from where I was before and I CANNOT forget that. That is my life jacket. If it weren't for the incremental improvements I've made over time, I wouldn't have overcome as much as I have. 

If I'm also really that sick and tired from being lonely. I need to keep reaching out to people and bringing them into my life. 

I am also going to have to learn to live more in the present and continue being grateful. 

If I am going to get better at this job, I am going to not have to panic at day 1. If the workloads are always this stupid, I can go tell them to fuck right off and do something else. The first year will suck. I will have to put some extra time towards it. Simple.

For tonight, I'm going to meditate for a little and go to bed. Golf tomorrow. No more work tonight. Worry about that after golf.

I'm grateful for: journaling, moments of clarity, golf, moments of being tested, being able to draw on past shitty experiences for strength, my golf coach.

Your new job is gonna be stressful for the first year so buckle in and have a good mindset. You'll be so driven to do well because you want to leave a first impression and not be forced to go back to your old job. To be honest, 3 years after switching jobs I still have nightmares about having to work at my old company again with my old bosses. It doesn't go away easily.

The way I get over this is just know that my old coworkers liked me and if I'm acting the right way I'll make friends with new coworkers. If I need help I'll ask and show initiative. If I don't understand they'll have empathy because they just hired me and want my transition to work out.

Breathe.

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@BooksandTrees, agreed on all counts. I'm just going to bust my ass for a while and not be an asshole. I've always told people, my first year in a new role I suck, the next year I'm ok, and the year after that I'm good. That said, last year I was apparently the best engineer in my department within a year. So...maybe even a bit of impostor syndrome.

---

Woke up this morning. Went golfing. I actually procrastinated getting there, which was weird. I had a terrible practice session and realized I was only going to be able to hit one or two clubs all day, and not think about what I learned in last night's lesson (I'll practice that tomorrow). I was in a good group of people and had fun overall, even if my play kinda fell apart towards the end. The first couple of holes were absolute A+ holes by me though.

I went to go practice for a bit immediately after and then I felt just an immense wave of loneliness and woe-is-me. I just felt alone and hopeless again. I went home and drowned out the pain a bit with some good 'ol internet (thank you, Masters). 

I'm feeling a little bit of overwhelm, and I realize it is causing the bit of irrationality before. It can be a little scary though when my thoughts go down such a dark path so quick. I just have to wait through it some times.

I have a good couple of hours before I need to go to bed. So instead of wallowing for the whole day, I'm going to be productive and really get my apartment in order tonight while listening to some fun music.

I'm grateful for: realizing I was being stupid, not letting it blow up my whole day, nice weather, incremental improvement.

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Lil' update.

I actually followed through. Did dishes, laundry, unclogged a sink, cleaned my shower, installed a new shower curtain, updated two insurance policies, invited a golf buddy to the range tomorrow, and made some investments I was putting off (yes, I'm stupid). 

As a result of that, I now feel like a lot of the mental drag from those items are gone. I feel a little bit better about myself, especially since I really didn't give myself an excuse to stop. It was just attack this thing, then the next, and so on. 

If I give up, that doesn't happen and I don't grow. If I face it, I grow, and I feel better.

Minimize self-pity and maximize action.

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Yeah, still pretty proud of last night, overall.

Old golf buddy wanted to practice today, so I met up with him for a little while. We talked shit about my old employer. We hit bad golf shots. It was fun. 

Got groceries after, relaxed for a few, called home. Through a mix of procrastination and logic I decided to not work on the work stuff. I need to take care of me first.

I'm going to do some dishes, meditate, workout, and go to bed. No more internet after this. Keep cutting down on the usage. Keep improving. 

I'm just happy I turned this weekend around.

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I'm tired. Hung out with my buddy last night and it did get a bit late. As a result of that I slept in a bit, which meant I had to stay late at work, and overall I'm just tired. On the bright side, I know how fast I can sprint out of bed now. 

I felt distracted and stressed at work to the immensity of this list I've been drafting. I'm sure there's a bunch of stuff wrong with it and it's driving me nuts. I also need to pull a bunch of information and ask for a bunch of quotes tomorrow. Tomorrow might be a very late night. 

I know I've done this for a while too, but I feel a pull to go on the internet whenever I feel stressed and unconfident, which is often. I don't want to feel like this forever though, and I don't want this to hinder my performance and growth in my job and the rest of my life. It takes too much energy out of me when I feel this way. 

I need to keep pushing through these feelings though. The only way I'm going to become more confident is if I act and not spend time on the computer or phone. I also can't dwell on past mistakes and behavior and let it take up mental bandwidth.

Going to bed at a reasonable hour now. Good night.

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Was kind of a dumb ass today. Stayed up very late last night. Woke up late, and because of that decided to work from home. Ate poorly, wasn't supremely focused, etc., etc. I did put in a full work day though. Anxiety was very high as well. 

I'm turning off my computer now. I'll do some dishes and get back on track, or I'll just fall asleep. 

Even if it's only for a few minutes today. I'll be off my computer and doing the right things. 

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Was less of a dumb ass today. 

Got a good night's rest and felt way better. Did a solid day of work from home. I was getting distracted by a lot of texts, but once I realized it I curbed it. All in all, I need to finish up a deliverable this weekend, but it should only take me an hour or two. I will take care of that tomorrow. 

After work I had a golf lesson. My coach is going really above and beyond. He said he liked coaching me, and we went WAY over time. It's been helping a bit too. My swing is still very flawed but it's getting better and I am hitting more consistently I think. He also said he wanted to loan me a set of good clubs considering mine are all from a thrift store and WAY too short for me. Dude is really nice and cares. His attitude makes me want to work real hard and do well. I have nine holes with some old work buds lined up for tomorrow morning. I'm going to enjoy myself as much as possible.

I am chasing the dragon a bit with the internet, so I'm just going to finish this and log off, do some dishes, and go to bed. I need to remind myself that just because it's after work, doesn't mean I have to be on the internet the whole time. I could have worked out.

Incremental progress.

 

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This weekend has been rough. 

Golf was not fun. I got irked at one of the people in my group almost immediately, who will say "nice shot" on pretty much all of my shots that either makes it behind a tree, or even on shots I've completely lost. It's out of ignorance--my swing looks nicer than is but it's harder to control because I hit a lot further, and is also way more inconsistent. I got angry when, after telling him to at least see where the ball fucking lands before saying it, he got pissy with me in response. I've told him multiple times and he just doesn't fucking get it. It happened a few times and I was tilted the whole fucking time. I still am a bit. 

The thing that got me so irked this time compared to the last was just the complete rejection of what I said. In reality, I still should keep my cool. 

After the round was over, I had a bit of a meltdown once I was away from everyone. I just drowned myself in the internet. Almost did so for the same all of today minus an errand. My anxiety is really fucking high right now, and it's in part for feeling like I'm going to lose yet another group of people in my life, and weekend work. Both those things make me feel alone.

I'm going to turn this laptop off now. Open up my work laptop, and work. 

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