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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


DaBest

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Hey man, just wanna say I've been in the same scenario, blockers off, avoiding posting, sorta relapsing into porn and too much Youtube. Happens to all of us. Today I turned my blockers back on and am gonna try get back up again. You can do it too. We all have moments of weakness, just gotta keep trying.

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I think you're on day 318. Coronavirus is probably not going to kill as many people as a common flu is. I think it's just hyped up really big from the media. I feel like I'm reading an excerpt from a post-apocalyptic virus movie when I read your post. I'm glad you're back on here. Posting will not cause you to contract coronavirus. Your improv sounds like it went well too, kudos.

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Thank you all for the messages.

@ElectroNugget, I am going to be blockers off for at least a little while longer, but hopefully with more discipline. Today was better.

@Erik2.0, I'm not concerned about dying. My chances are low, and I'm not worried about me anyway. Had to look it up--flu infects roughly 30 million people in the US every year, and that usually causes 15-60k deaths. The problem with this whole pandemic though is the rapidity in which it spreads (expontential) and the percentage of cases (10-20%) which require significant intervention in hospitals (more frequently the elderly and already sick). Imagine if New York City (roughly 8 million people), had 10 percent of it's population seeking hospital services at the same time. 800 K people at once? No way, Jose. Because of the immense strain this is putting on national healthcare systems (re: China, Italy, etc.), it is literally shutting down countries just to mitigate the impact, thereby shutting down economies and creating a widespread global recession and supply chain collapse. Oh, and the best part about this, the healthcare system is doubly impacted in so far that hospitals in heavily affected areas don't have the resources to treat non-coronavirus patients, which is exacerbated since global supply chains are shut down. I work in a plant that makes fancy cancer medicine. All of our raw materials, equipment, spare parts, etc., come from different countries--the US, China, Germany, UK, Japan, etc. If we lose our supply of these items...no more fancy cancer medicine. It's the same issue that ANY medical company has right now. It's a really sucky situation. I could keep going on.

In short, the coronavirus will kill an equivalent amount of people if it can infect at least one tenth of what the flu infects in a given year, but there will be scores of indirect deaths due to health care and supply chain collapse, coupled with incompetent government response (hi Donnie). Society won't collapse--there will be strife--but 2020 will be known in history as similar to 1918 with the Spanish flu. 

Forewarned is forearmed.

---

Oh a post. 

Just checking in. It's late, but a lot of my time I've spent on the computer has been "productive." To the point of the long paragraph before, I'm trying to make sure my site keeps running and creating product for as long as possible, and I'm going to have a conversation tomorrow with the powers that be. I don't think everyone fully grasps how quickly things can shut down, and we need to have the right plans in place to mitigate that. Things in my area are getting worse, and we are probably 2 weeks behind Italy on a case curve, notwithstanding the undetected cases due to lack of testing. 

In a weird way, this is one of the best times I've managed my anxiety. Focus on the big scary thing and be prepared for it, and help those who didn't see and couldn't prepare appropriately. Keep the plant running. See the future, understand the risks, and be proactive. Makes me realize I don't do enough preparing for all the social issues I have. Food for thought when everyone is isolating, haha.

 

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm 31 and healthy. Do you think it best for me to still avoid the gym because it's a public place like everyone else seems to be doing or is it okay for me to just keep going to the deserted gym? How much food did you stock up on?

*Legal: I am not a doctor*

You're younger then the most at risk age groups--60 and up with things like hypertension and diabetes--so statistically speaking, you're not going to die. It's not to say that getting it is good for you though. There's also the potential for long recovery times. Going to the gym will increase your risk of picking up the disease by the nature that it is a public shared-use space. It's your call. You also might want to be cognizant that if you are around people over 60, you catching the virus could mean that you could transmit it onto them as well, which might not be the best since that is the most at-risk group. 

It's your decision on what to do, but in short, going to the gym will increase your chances of getting the virus, especially if an outbreak has already started in your area. That's just statistics.

I accidentally overstocked on food. I wanted to give myself a month but I lost track and ended up buying two months of food (and before anyone accuses me of adding to the empty shelves these past few weeks, I took care of this WEEKS in advance of the rush--I get my panic buying in early.) Tomorrow I have a dentist's appointment (shit timing and I have a cavity, so I really have to go still) and want to get my oil changed in my car, then I'm probably holing up for two weeks to let public policy, testing, and quarantining pick up. 

---

Today was weird. Things have been weird recently. Was up way too late but still got in on time. Found out I'm now multiple routes of two degrees of separation from the virus at work. In my area cases are very underreported. Was not very happy with the actions we were taking and told some very senior people at my site about it. Surprisingly, they were on my side for the most part., though that didn't change the actions taken. I am hoping that my input will help influence more proactive measures. This is remarkably assertive for me. Told my boss I'm working from home, because if everyone gets sick, I'm running the process. I'm going to keep this thing going for as long as I can, because people need their medicine and I will not put their lives at risk, even if that means rankling some feathers. We are starting to lose people in general to quarantine and being stuck in other countries while on vacation. 

I also sold another half of my stock last night after watching Donald talk. That was a good call. If the market waits til Monday, I might be able to buy a "dead-cat bounce," but that all depends on this weekends headlines. I am heartened somewhat though by the rash of cancellations of things over the past 48 hours. That will save many lives and make this pandemic much more bearable. 

Oh and I'm a professional comedian now! I got paid from my last gig. $7. Problem is almost all our shows are canceled now. 

I'm going to be off the computer much earlier tonight. Yay.

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5 minutes ago, DaBest said:

*Legal: I am not a doctor*

You're younger then the most at risk age groups--60 and up with things like hypertension and diabetes--so statistically speaking, you're not going to die. It's not to say that getting it is good for you though. There's also the potential for long recovery times. Going to the gym will increase your risk of picking up the disease by the nature that it is a public shared-use space. It's your call. You also might want to be cognizant that if you are around people over 60, you catching the virus could mean that you could transmit it onto them as well, which might not be the best since that is the most at-risk group. 

It's your decision on what to do, but in short, going to the gym will increase your chances of getting the virus, especially if an outbreak has already started in your area. That's just statistics.

I accidentally overstocked on food. I wanted to give myself a month but I lost track and ended up buying two months of food (and before anyone accuses me of adding to the empty shelves these past few weeks, I took care of this WEEKS in advance of the rush--I get my panic buying in early.) Tomorrow I have a dentist's appointment (shit timing and I have a cavity, so I really have to go still) and want to get my oil changed in my car, then I'm probably holing up for two weeks to let public policy, testing, and quarantining pick up. 

---

Today was weird. Things have been weird recently. Was up way too late but still got in on time. Found out I'm now multiple routes of two degrees of separation from the virus at work. In my area cases are very underreported. Was not very happy with the actions we were taking and told some very senior people at my site about it. Surprisingly, they were on my side for the most part., though that didn't change the actions taken. I am hoping that my input will help influence more proactive measures. This is remarkably assertive for me. Told my boss I'm working from home, because if everyone gets sick, I'm running the process. I'm going to keep this thing going for as long as I can, because people need their medicine and I will not put their lives at risk, even if that means rankling some feathers. We are starting to lose people in general to quarantine and being stuck in other countries while on vacation. 

I also sold another half of my stock last night after watching Donald talk. That was a good call. If the market waits til Monday, I might be able to buy a "dead-cat bounce," but that all depends on this weekends headlines. I am heartened somewhat though by the rash of cancellations of things over the past 48 hours. That will save many lives and make this pandemic much more bearable. 

Oh and I'm a professional comedian now! I got paid from my last gig. $7. Problem is almost all our shows are canceled now. 

I'm going to be off the computer much earlier tonight. Yay.

Nice to hear. I think you took the right steps with working from home. You're one of the important people trying to produce medication, albeit it's potentially not related to COVID19, but you've been secretive so I assume no to be fair and the fires you were putting out over the past 3 months weren't related to panic over the virus 😉. It's not my business. But I think you made the right choice. Gotta be realistic about this stuff.

Make sure you're getting sleep and maintaining your immune system. But you already know this. I'm happy you are progressing with comedy. It's gonna be a good thing for you moving forward to have a community and place to go. Helps with multiple addictions.

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There hasn't been an outbreak in my area yet. There are a low number of reported cases in my state. I really don't want to have to workout at home and my mom who is over 60 is going to the gym anyway. So I'm thinking I might go anyway. We'll see. Thanks for the advice. Good luck on your stocks, sounds like you know what you're doing.

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@BooksandTrees, I do too!  The emails from site leadership very quickly changed today. They went a step further but not far enough yet. That will change by Sunday, I think. Detected cases went up by half today. I am in no way supporting any coronavirus treatment manufacturing. If I did, I'd be like that lady in Contagion that just injected herself with a vaccine without testing it, haha. There are some other companies in the area which are though.

Yeah, I definitely can't give up comedy at this point. It's been too valuable in many ways. 

@Erik2.0, well if your mom is going, I guess it doesn't make much difference then now does it? And thank you, I'll take all the luck I can get. I made a mistake today though by reinvesting some of my prior sales in a bond ETF, but I realized today I was going to miss a huge opportunity with the national emergency declaration--any cash from the sales I made would've been unsettled, so any trading with that money could've put a trading restriction on my account as far as I understand it. This is the closest thing I've ever done to day trading. That was a mistake on my part.

---

Today was meh. I slept through my alarms, missed my appointment, but was able to reschedule since everyone realizes how dumb it is to go to a dentist's office right now, haha. Sure enough, I need the cavity filled ASAP. Monday morning, yeah more exposure! I also denied giving a handshake to my dentist, which in retrospect is kind of dumb considering he just had his fingers in my mouth, lol. 

I was not productive today. I was distracted on my laptop. I might have to say no to going on my personal laptop until after 5 or something like that. I did do some work though. 

It will be very tempting to game over the next few weeks depending on how long I am stuck at home. I hope I do not. I'd be nice to make it a whole year. I'm close.

Tomorrow will be better. I will get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight and turn off my computer once I finish checking out the forum. Yeah, and I won't touch this laptop until 5. 

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1 hour ago, DaBest said:

@BooksandTrees, I do too!  The emails from site leadership very quickly changed today. They went a step further but not far enough yet. That will change by Sunday, I think. Detected cases went up by half today. I am in no way supporting any coronavirus treatment manufacturing. If I did, I'd be like that lady in Contagion that just injected herself with a vaccine without testing it, haha. There are some other companies in the area which are though.

Yeah, I definitely can't give up comedy at this point. It's been too valuable in many ways. 

@Erik2.0, well if your mom is going, I guess it doesn't make much difference then now does it? And thank you, I'll take all the luck I can get. I made a mistake today though by reinvesting some of my prior sales in a bond ETF, but I realized today I was going to miss a huge opportunity with the national emergency declaration--any cash from the sales I made would've been unsettled, so any trading with that money could've put a trading restriction on my account as far as I understand it. This is the closest thing I've ever done to day trading. That was a mistake on my part.

---

Today was meh. I slept through my alarms, missed my appointment, but was able to reschedule since everyone realizes how dumb it is to go to a dentist's office right now, haha. Sure enough, I need the cavity filled ASAP. Monday morning, yeah more exposure! I also denied giving a handshake to my dentist, which in retrospect is kind of dumb considering he just had his fingers in my mouth, lol. 

I was not productive today. I was distracted on my laptop. I might have to say no to going on my personal laptop until after 5 or something like that. I did do some work though. 

It will be very tempting to game over the next few weeks depending on how long I am stuck at home. I hope I do not. I'd be nice to make it a whole year. I'm close.

Tomorrow will be better. I will get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight and turn off my computer once I finish checking out the forum. Yeah, and I won't touch this laptop until 5. 

I think you should do some fun research over the next few weeks. Maybe only a day or two. I've found that I quickly get caught up in topics and then lose interest. I decided to write about the topics while I'm interested and then move on.

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Hey, your massive list of things that you're making habits out of isn't up anymore. Are you taking a break from logging all those numbers? I kept my list to four things so it's not too much. I hope you stay strong and don't play games. Stay abstinent, find something else to do. You got this. 

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@BooksandTrees, I have a few ideas in mind. I was learning a bit of Japanese but fell off the wagon with that. It's fun but I have no use for it. Two areas I'll probably delve into are charisma and comedy.

@Erik2.0, yeah I'm taking a little bit of a break from it since I'm all on on coronavirus research and my internet time has gone way up. I might start doing it again this week. I just need to get back to posting on a consistent basis first, and really hammer out a home routine. Still don't have a good one. 

---

I've been drinking dat corona all evening. Cases are going ever higher in my area. For the most part though, the local government has been much more proactive than the federal government so that's good, but it's still not enough. I still don't think people understand how bad things are going to get and how much we need to just band together for a few months to burn this virus out. If anyone wants to, read the op-ed on Bloomberg from Mohamed El-Arian. That blip up in the market on Friday is going to look very irrational very quick, I think. I

I am Mr. Gloom-and-Doom, haha. 

I actually didn't touch my laptop until after 5 which was good, but I did go on my phone. I did some cleaning today and went for a brief, semi-secluded walk because I was cooped up and the weather was nice. I was really paranoid during that though. Geez. 

Tomorrow I need to do work-work. I'm going to avoid any phone or laptop updates until 5 again. Work on being okay with silence.

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Stayed up a bit late last night. Had to return a library book (which I hope someone checks in since the library is now closed from now through forever). Figured I'd make a grocery store run at 2 AM for some meat because I'm gonna miss it and I didn't realize how little I stocked. 

The place was ransacked. I was amazed. People are finally getting the picture, thank goodness. I was very paranoid, AND the cashier was sick. She joked "maybe I should quarantine myself." Haha, fuck you.

I found out today I got my dad to try and convince his sailing club and his finanical club to cancel their events. My dad stupidly went out on both days this weekend even though he's getting up there in age, but after he thought about it some more, he started to spread the good word. That makes me happy. 

I also wrote a letter with info to my improv team with information on how the next few weeks will go. Seemed to go over well. One of them said they wanted to forward it along. This also makes me happy.

I have an appointment to fill a cavity tomorrow. Then I might go donate blood because there's a shortage and that will be very bad too. It'd be my first time. 

After this I'm gonna have dinner and work. Going to get off the computer for the rest of the night.

Everybody stay calm. We are going to be okay. We just need to work together.

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@Erik2.0 That's good to hear you stocked up. Personally, I'm trying to avoid going back to the grocery store until daily new cases in my area starts going down. We aren't in a full lock down yet, but we are very close I think. I think once we start seeing real strain on the NYC and probably Washington state health care systems, we will have a lockdown where I live too, and possibly national (if they were smart). NYC will probably unilaterally announce a lockdown, angering Andrew Cuomo, but ultimately forcing his hand and shutting New York state. 

---

Stayed up late and woke up late. Was very distracted by the markets while I worked today, but I still managed a decent workday. I miss seeing my coworkers in person, though I know it is best to stay away. I will stay strong.

On the bright side though, I save a lot of time from commuting and dressing up to go to work. Sweatpants are a gift from heaven.

I will do some stretching after this and work on a routine for my day. I have some food cooking so I need to have that finish up before I go to sleep. 

Everyone stay strong and stay safe. We will get through this.

 

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I would like to see a national lockdown and stipends issued. (Free vacation yay). My work is having us Skype clients which I prefer not to do. It's just tiring Skyping someone for two sessions measuring three hours in a day. That's seriously so much Skype to ask a teenager to do with a counselor. I hope it just doesn't come to that and I can keep seeing my clients throughout this epidemic. I love sweatpants too. Can't get enough of them. I'm wearing pajama pants right now which are also comfy.

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@Erik2.0, I'm with you on that. Three hours of Skyping? Geez. Even if it's a loved one, it's hard to call for that long. At least you can still help these kids out despite this mess. You're doing good.

---

Today was a little better. I got to bed late last night again, but earlier than the night before. I was a idiot and forgot to turn the oven on when I put the food in--I just turned on the timer. Kept me up til 1:30. 

Got up earlier today, but spent a lot of time checking the coronavirus news. I might be a doctor by the end of this, haha. Markets were crazy today which distracted me a bit as well. I still got a productive day in, but it was less productive than yesterday. I'll be more mindful of this tomorrow as things are pretty predictable right now as far as headlines go. Things are getting worse, governments are still waking up to the issues at hand, and more and more cases are popping up in my area. What's more, a Skype conversation with someone from work makes me think they have the virus. Said they were home sick, but gave really cryptic messages back, which was unlike them. That sucks because he is one of my favorite people at work. We are constantly very inappropriate when no one is listening and have a similar sense of humor. It's very refreshing. I hope he gets better soon. 

After work I called home again and walked to a park near where I live just to get out for a bit. Then I checked out some more news, and watched some videos on charisma. I cooked some rice. I live a very exciting life right now. 

Tonight I'll get to bed earlier and get up earlier. I'll cut down some on the news tomorrow.

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You know the one good thing about all of this is that I am relieved that I didn't invest all of my tax return in the stock market like I originally intended to, lol.

I'm torn on a national lockdown in the US. We don't really have the same kind of government that countries in Europe do and I don't feel like people would be very well taken care of here. Hell, my county has been routinely criticized so far for not taking any action to thwart the spread of the disease... then the county executive went on the news and said people need to stock up on water which made all of the old people freak out like they were thinking about shutting the water supply off, lmao. It's not in the water, people. I'm not sure why he would have even said to stock up on water. He's just so out of touch and worthless as a leader, but I digress.

I don't watch the news, personally, so I can definitely advocate for distancing yourself from it. I used to obsessively be on Twitter, Facebook, and news websites every time I had a second of downtime. Gave all that up about a year ago and honestly it's completely changed my attitude about the world. When you're not bombarded all day about how horrible everything is, you start to see the happier things in life, I guess. Sure, there's definitely value in being informed about things that you need to know, but we don't need to know 99% of what's in the news.

Anyway... just a rant. Lol. Stay well.

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Thanks man. I've been low-key cleared to basically just check in with the clients. So I don't need to do three hour sessions over Skype. I have a lot more free time as a result. I'm going to try to change my schedule to get everyone done with in the morning and then have the whole day to read books. I like reading more than I like watching shows or movies. The tv is more addictive, but I just prefer the feeling I get from reading my books much more. Even if I'm reading it off my laptop or phone. Gotta keep reading and not get too sucked into anime. Even though I might get a VRV or Hulu trial to watch some anime.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I'm embarrassed to be writing this, and I've been putting it off for about a month now. There may or may not be a lot of swearing in this.

For the past month, I've fucked up...hard. No games streak broken--just missed a year by a few weeks. Anxiety/depression/hypervigilance through the roof. Barely doing any work (my boss is a saint). Weight has fluctuated like crazy. I've seen people three times since I've started isolating around March 11th or so. I've had some really bad thoughts. Sleep cycle wacked out. Been skipping online improv practices. The 'rona is everywhere. I've been living on my couch. And I'm practicing chess with the sole purpose of the joy it gives me to beat the shit out of my father in a way that won't get me thrown in jail.

I've done every possible thing to avoid reality in the past month or so, less drugs and alcohol cause I don't have any. Though, sometimes I welcomed using my new allergy meds since they make me drowsy. I didn't realize the normally crippling feeling of overwhelm I usually felt had a few extra notches further on the dial. Just tonight too, I found out that a stainless steel pipe literally just snapped off a tank at work, and it needs to get fixed...tomorrow...which is in a few hours. Yet here I am.

If I'm being honest, the longer this shit goes on, the more I want to just french kiss 15 people in an ER right now. And I'm not just talking about the virus--I'm also talking about me and MY behavior. I'm disgusted at myself. I'd call this rock-bottom again but it feels like I hit it every other day. If I'm also honest, I want pity, but I sure as fuck know I don't deserve it. If I'm honest, I would love to just live my life as a spoiled child and hide from everything. If I'm being honest, I deserve to be fired. If I'm being honest, I feel weak as fuck right now, and I know I should and could be much stronger. Yet here I am, a man-child pussy.

The only positive thing is that my parents have listened to me and have avoided getting infected in an area with a higher concentration of cases than New York City, per capita. 

Here's all of what I've been hiding. I just want to be honest with myself for a moment and unburden.

What the hell did I learn from all this?

League of Legends must be what heroin feels like for some people, less the whole conking out part. I forgot how wonderfully (yes, wonderfully) entrancing that game is. My therapist said it was putting me in a state of "hypervigilance," which after checking that out...yeah, it fits the bill. Spent the whole Easter weekend playing. For three days, all of the above feelings and problems disappeared, and all I had to do was furiously click and type a couple letters at a time. I went from feeling like a 0-1 out of 10 to a solid 8-9. I've done stuff like this for my whole life. Now that I can look back on that weekend with some distance and see how my whole life--especially when I was a kid--revolved around this. Ironically, running was the only sport I was kind of good at. Who knew I was even better mentally? 

I cannot stress how stark the feelings are between the two. I fully comprehend why anyone who felt like this would do drugs/alcohol/some other addictive behavior. To do the opposite is insanity.

I also cannot play games with my friend in Bangladesh, which sucks. We started playing StarCraft 2. I had no experience with it prior. It was fine and we'd play together for the most part, which was my one gaming rule, but eventually I hit ranked and everything changed. That added dose of competition and ranking up was the last cog, and I took off running after that. I sucked serious ass though. This actually happened before the League stuff and was how I broke my streak. I went through a couple of reinstall cycles before I said fuck it for good. We are going to try and play single-player games solely from his computer. If I didn't have this problem, this would be much better. My friend is a very good person. I should tell him so. 

Twitch has replaced my social interactions. I now understand celebrity and charisma. That's all it is. For that, it's not the gaming more so than the feeling like you're playing the game with a friend who'll never betray you. It's friend porn. 

I miss working out. I've done a couple of at home workouts, but obviously the discipline hasn't been there. My hand actually feels better though, so the time off wasn't all worthless.

It has also rekindled a past joy for Nascar and racing sims. Man I miss sports.

So I'm missing positive emotion, friendship, connection, and maybe a dash of hope right now.

So what the hell am I going to do?

Start here by laying it all out. Forgive myself a little because I grew a bit last year for my efforts, and that they weren't all for nought. Treat this like a learning experience I never want to experience again. I also turned on my blockers today.

I want to meditate for thirty minutes today. Notice, I don't trust myself to do much of anything right now.

Eventually, I want to start attacking my anxiety with a fucking machete. For now, I just want to use the meditation to be more mindful of where it's coming from.

Realistically, there's a laundry list of stuff I need to be doing, including laundry. I need to just not pressure myself with overcommittments. 

 

 

This is what it is. It's in the past. Please don't feed the bear and give me any pity. I'm sorry for my actions.

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37 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Start here by laying it all out. Forgive myself a little because I grew a bit last year for my efforts, and that they weren't all for nought. Treat this like a learning experience I never want to experience again. I also turned on my blockers today.

I want to meditate for thirty minutes today. Notice, I don't trust myself to do much of anything right now.

Eventually, I want to start attacking my anxiety with a fucking machete. For now, I just want to use the meditation to be more mindful of where it's coming from.

Realistically, there's a laundry list of stuff I need to be doing, including laundry. I need to just not pressure myself with overcommittments. 

Welcome back man. I think those are the right conclusions. Keep in mind that the corona situation is fucking with many people. Not just from the perspective of health, but also psychologically. I don't like to think about, how many people might need a therapist, once it is all over. How many people mind have to live with seven people in a small room and what kind of horror some wifes have to deal with, who get regularly beaten by their husbands. The whole situation is deeply unhealthy. Like hell, I am even afraid that suicide rates might go up. But this is just a guess. I have no statistics about that.

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