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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


DaBest

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Day 262

No VG - 262 days, no sports news - 6 days, NF - 1 day, SOB - 43 days, NNO59 - 11 days, NIA1030 -  8 days, NLAF - 16 days,  NSOC - 15 days, Meditation - 14 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

@BooksandTrees, yeah, I don't really go much out of my way in terms of treating myself. If anything, I might choose mini-vacations this year as my treat. I barely used any vacation last year because I completely misplanned. I'm not a very material person, but I do appreciate experiences much more. I'm aiming to do this every few months to recharge and explore and add some desparately needed adventure to my life. 

With regards to adding more communities, but right now I'd like to just focus on making my main three feel like real communities. The stress from improv has gone down quite a bit, and it definitely feels more laid back. For me, I usually feel more restored by spending time with people I truly like, and the activity isn't the main thing. Still I'll give it some thought for the future though.

I'll touch on my main plan of attack below.

---

Work was interesting. Yeah.

Therapy was also interesting. I talked about how I felt so overwhelmed with dumb stuff over the weekend. As we talked, things didn't really get too deep, since as I was talking, I was pretty much able to confirm my plan of action and why I was acting that way, or so I think. Essentially, I feel overblown by small stuff since I still act like a child in some ways and find it easier to ignore reality and hope someone or something else will take care of my issues. Therefore, the best course of action is to build a new identity around fixing my issues and facing them, which similar to work, I'll have to start prioritizing things in my day which make me feel anxious. Conquering these usually gives me the greatest sense of accomplishment and reduces my anxiety better than anything else I know. The initial effort needed in these endeavors are quite high, but the rewards are greatest. 

I also had a venting session about my father. I've felt feelings of anger just bubbling up recently, and my therapist has keyed in on that in a couple of sessions. I elaborated on some things. He had a really interesting comment on being a model for my father, and not the other way around, which was oddly inspiring and interesting to contemplate. I'm really too tired to go into a long life story and my relationship with my father, but it hasn't been good. Being able to discuss this today felt like a mini-catharsis. I might have to explore this more.

 

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16 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Day 262

No VG - 262 days, no sports news - 6 days, NF - 1 day, SOB - 43 days, NNO59 - 11 days, NIA1030 -  8 days, NLAF - 16 days,  NSOC - 15 days, Meditation - 14 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

@BooksandTrees, yeah, I don't really go much out of my way in terms of treating myself. If anything, I might choose mini-vacations this year as my treat. I barely used any vacation last year because I completely misplanned. I'm not a very material person, but I do appreciate experiences much more. I'm aiming to do this every few months to recharge and explore and add some desparately needed adventure to my life. 

With regards to adding more communities, but right now I'd like to just focus on making my main three feel like real communities. The stress from improv has gone down quite a bit, and it definitely feels more laid back. For me, I usually feel more restored by spending time with people I truly like, and the activity isn't the main thing. Still I'll give it some thought for the future though.

I'll touch on my main plan of attack below.

---

Work was interesting. Yeah.

Therapy was also interesting. I talked about how I felt so overwhelmed with dumb stuff over the weekend. As we talked, things didn't really get too deep, since as I was talking, I was pretty much able to confirm my plan of action and why I was acting that way, or so I think. Essentially, I feel overblown by small stuff since I still act like a child in some ways and find it easier to ignore reality and hope someone or something else will take care of my issues. Therefore, the best course of action is to build a new identity around fixing my issues and facing them, which similar to work, I'll have to start prioritizing things in my day which make me feel anxious. Conquering these usually gives me the greatest sense of accomplishment and reduces my anxiety better than anything else I know. The initial effort needed in these endeavors are quite high, but the rewards are greatest. 

I also had a venting session about my father. I've felt feelings of anger just bubbling up recently, and my therapist has keyed in on that in a couple of sessions. I elaborated on some things. He had a really interesting comment on being a model for my father, and not the other way around, which was oddly inspiring and interesting to contemplate. I'm really too tired to go into a long life story and my relationship with my father, but it hasn't been good. Being able to discuss this today felt like a mini-catharsis. I might have to explore this more.

 

Sounds like me and my parents. A lot of people on this forum struggle with their parents a bit. 

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Day 263

No VG - 263 days, no sports news - 7 days, NF - 2 days, SOB - 44 days, NNO59 - 12 days, NIA1030 -  9 days, NLAF - 17 days,  NSOC - 16 days, Meditation - 15 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

Work.

Physical therapy, too. Was actually kind of interesting to realize a PT book I picked up at the library for my back issues was one my PT bought for herself the other. I really respect her. She's incredibly open-minded and problem-solving oriented. 

Got home, have been doing some chores. Need to get up super early again.  Really tired. Need bed.

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On 1/14/2020 at 4:04 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Sounds like me and my parents. A lot of people on this forum struggle with their parents a bit. 

I like what Cam regarding the topic of parents. He took extreme ownership of the fact that he was addicted to games and said that your parents want you to succeed (similarly to their level, but preferably a bit better, though it's hard for them to help us achieve better than they did, if they don't have the tools for it) and survive (live). I agree it's the best thing to do consciously, because actively blaming someone else for not having the life you want is pathetic.

The unconscious does not like that at all though, because if I started gaming excessively when I was 12, I think most people would agree it was my parents' responsibility to spot that and remedy the situation. When I started taking more responsibility for myself, I eventually got my act together (as far as gaming goes) when I was 21. It took almost a decade and I think the time I spent away from home up until that point helped me get the experience to kick gaming.

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Day 264

No VG - 264 days, no sports news - 8 days, NF - 3 days, SOB - 45 days, NNO59 - 13 days, NIA1030 -  10 days, NLAF - 18 days,  NSOC - 17 days, Meditation - 16 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

Yeah, @Ikar, I agree with you. By shifting the locus of the blame onto someone else, it's almost implicit that one accepts the fact that the locus of control is on someone else, and that they lack the tools to handle their own problems. I don't blame my parents for where I'm at. Did they have an effect on my life--obviously. Whose responsibility is it once I realize I can do something about it--mine, and mine only. Even if one's parents are Satan-spawn, there's not much value in assigning blame beyond what's rational and real.

---

Work stuff. There's so much going on right now, unless I feel really stressed, I don't feel like talking about it. 

Went to a networking thing after work for the first time in a long time. I was happy I went for a bit. Didn't feel too stressed, and made some good contacts that may have immediate dividends. 

Just chilling for a few minutes and going to bed early tonight. Super sleep deprived. Fudge.

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5 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Day 264

No VG - 264 days, no sports news - 8 days, NF - 3 days, SOB - 45 days, NNO59 - 13 days, NIA1030 -  10 days, NLAF - 18 days,  NSOC - 17 days, Meditation - 16 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

Yeah, @Ikar, I agree with you. By shifting the locus of the blame onto someone else, it's almost implicit that one accepts the fact that the locus of control is on someone else, and that they lack the tools to handle their own problems. I don't blame my parents for where I'm at. Did they have an effect on my life--obviously. Whose responsibility is it once I realize I can do something about it--mine, and mine only. Even if one's parents are Satan-spawn, there's not much value in assigning blame beyond what's rational and real.

---

Work stuff. There's so much going on right now, unless I feel really stressed, I don't feel like talking about it. 

Went to a networking thing after work for the first time in a long time. I was happy I went for a bit. Didn't feel too stressed, and made some good contacts that may have immediate dividends. 

Just chilling for a few minutes and going to bed early tonight. Super sleep deprived. Fudge.

Good job networking and finding the energy to do it after work. That's the most difficult part sometimes. Keep up the good work.

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Day 265

No VG - 265 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 4 days, SOB - 46 days, NNO59 - 14 days, NIA1030 -  11 days, NLAF - 19 days,  NSOC - 18 days, Meditation - 17 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

Haha, thank you both @BooksandTrees and @Erik2.0. I'm in work mode right now. I've taken on a lot of responsibility, and I just have to push through this month.

---

Work, work, work. Contractors were able to catch up with the workload despite some unfortunate delays. I'm happy. Other things are delayed too. I need to work this weekend to do testing. Just counting the days til February. 

I'm tired and ready for bed.

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Day 266

No VG - 266 days, no sports news - 1 day, NF - 5 days, SOB - 47 days, NNO59 - 15 days, NIA1030 -  12 days, NLAF - 20 days,  NSOC - 19 days, Meditation - 18 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

Was at work for a long time today. I am very grateful for the support I got from a couple of different engineering/support groups today. Despite how shit the job can be sometimes, I really enjoy a lot of the people I work with. Also, the manager of one of those groups started openly bribing me for a senior position in an area I have far less background then some of his "junior" position holders. Ego boosting. Yay. Will probably not go that route though for a whole host of reasons. I have to go in tomorrow, and possibly Sunday and Monday too. Just need to get through January and I'm free.

I'm crazy tired.

I'm also freaking out about tomorrow and my no internet day (with the exception of work things). Work should make this easier. I feel almost like I need to get my fix in tonight.

Oh, and I had a weird dream last night where my father said something to me, I ran away, got super drunk, and started crying. I don't remember dreams all to often, but it kinda sucks that the ones I've been remembering recently are all negative. I would like to start a dream journal at some point. That helps recall a lot.

I'm rambling. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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Day 269

No VG - 269 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 1 day, SOB -  0 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 -  0 days, NLAF - 0 days,  NSOC - 0 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 1 week, Post-It Saturdays (NA).

Well, it's been a weird 72 hours. I was at work on Saturday and Sunday until 10 PM on both nights. I spent 70+ hours at work last week. Chores went by the wayside. Habits ^^^ went by the wayside. Oof. 

Work has been nuts. I finally finished with my contractors but now I need to test everything they've modified. I have to go to work later today, but I took the morning off mentally and physically to recoup, and I'm cleaning the heck out of my apartment and cooking before I do anything. I'm so excited I'm finally doing laundry, which is a weird statement to make, but very true.

I messed up big time with habits in the last twelve hours or so. Fell asleep on the couch after going on the comp once I got home. Woke up unrested and early. Went on the computer in bed, searching for a fix. 

I'm nearly through the thick of it. I can see the light at work. January 30th, I can finally take a day off. Despite the lapsed habits, I've been surprisingly resilient and not panicked. I'm a little stressed, but I'm more confident I can handle it. 

Also, no internet Saturday went really well since I was working the whole time. Didn't do the Post-It thing because there was only one glaringly large thing I needed to handle. 

Big lessons from all this:

1) When I work crazy weeks like this, I need to be more cognizant of my habits, which serve to help me and make my life easier. The urge to cave and numb myself is illogical. Usually, that's just the desire for sleep talking, and manifesting in different ways. 

2) This year I will need to be much more strategic when I work in order to prevent the same from happening next year. This has been a good experience, but I don't want to continue having the same experience over and over. I need to 10X my impact for the same level of work by working smarter and not harder.

---

Also want to note I'm not kicking myself over the habits. I made a mistake and the habits have made my life better for the most part.

Edited by DaBest
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8 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day 269

No VG - 269 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 1 day, SOB -  0 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 -  0 days, NLAF - 0 days,  NSOC - 0 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 1 week, Post-It Saturdays (NA).

Well, it's been a weird 72 hours. I was at work on Saturday and Sunday until 10 PM on both nights. I spent 70+ hours at work last week. Chores went by the wayside. Habits ^^^ went by the wayside. Oof. 

Work has been nuts. I finally finished with my contractors but now I need to test everything they've modified. I have to go to work later today, but I took the morning off mentally and physically to recoup, and I'm cleaning the heck out of my apartment and cooking before I do anything. I'm so excited I'm finally doing laundry, which is a weird statement to make, but very true.

I messed up big time with habits in the last twelve hours or so. Fell asleep on the couch after going on the comp once I got home. Woke up unrested and early. Went on the computer in bed, searching for a fix. 

I'm nearly through the thick of it. I can see the light at work. January 30th, I can finally take a day off. Despite the lapsed habits, I've been surprisingly resilient and not panicked. I'm a little stressed, but I'm more confident I can handle it. 

Also, no internet Saturday went really well since I was working the whole time. Didn't do the Post-It thing because there was only one glaringly large thing I needed to handle. 

Big lessons from all this:

1) When I work crazy weeks like this, I need to be more cognizant of my habits, which serve to help me and make my life easier. The urge to cave and numb myself is illogical. Usually, that's just the desire for sleep talking, and manifesting in different ways. 

2) This year I will need to be much more strategic when I work in order to prevent the same from happening next year. This has been a good experience, but I don't want to continue having the same experience over and over. I need to 10X my impact for the same level of work by working smarter and not harder.

---

Also want to note I'm not kicking myself over the habits. I made a mistake and the habits have made my life better for the most part.

Just be careful of burnout. I'm in a similar situation as you and neglected all of my habit tracking to get a project completed 2 weeks ago and nearly fell apart. I thought I was doing well and then it just broke me down. Stay on things and let them fuel you when you need.

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Day 270

No VG - 270 days, no sports news - 1 days, NF - 2 day, SOB -  1 days, NNO59 - 1 days, NIA1030 -  1 days, NLAF - 1 days,  NSOC - 0 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 1 week, Post-It Saturdays (NA).

@Erik2.0 and @BooksandTrees, I hear you both. I already told my boss I'm taking off on the thirtieth and probably thirty first if I have nothing important to do at work on those days. Until then, it's crunch time.

---

Work. Got a bunch of important stuff done today. Felt effective. Felt good. Little stressed about the next week or so, but I'm just going to focus on what's in my control and not what's outside of my control. 

Chilled when I got home. I'm tired.

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Day 271

No VG - 271 days, no sports news - 2 days, NF - 3 day, SOB -  2 days, NNO59 - 2 days, NIA1030 -  2 days, NLAF - 2 days,  NSOC - 1 days, Meditation - 1 day, No Internet Saturdays - 1 week, Post-It Saturdays (NA).

Not much to talk about today. At work for twelve hours and I'm done with my last bit of hands-on testing. Tired.

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Day 272

No VG - 272 days, no sports news - 3 days, NF - 4 day, SOB -  3 days, NNO59 - 3 days, NIA1030 -  3 days, NLAF - 3 days,  NSOC - 0 days, Meditation - 0 day, No Internet Saturdays - 1 week, Post-It Saturdays (NA).

Fell asleep pretty quick after I turned off my computer. 

Work work work.

Looking for a internet fix. I'm going to turn this off after this.

Kinda tired and not wordy today. 

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Day 273

No VG - 273 days, no sports news - 4 days, NF - 0 days, SOB -  4 days, NNO59 - 4 days, NIA1030 -  4 days, NLAF - 4 days,  NSOC - 1 day, Meditation - 0 day, No Internet Saturdays - 1 week, Post-It Saturdays (NA).

Worried about not having internet tomorrow. I don't have to go to work. I went on a little bit of a binge just now to get my fix in. 

I'm gonna write my Post-it in the morning and make plans to fill the void. 

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On 1/24/2020 at 9:54 PM, DaBest said:

Day 273

No VG - 273 days, no sports news - 4 days, NF - 0 days, SOB -  4 days, NNO59 - 4 days, NIA1030 -  4 days, NLAF - 4 days,  NSOC - 1 day, Meditation - 0 day, No Internet Saturdays - 1 week, Post-It Saturdays (NA).

Worried about not having internet tomorrow. I don't have to go to work. I went on a little bit of a binge just now to get my fix in. 

I'm gonna write my Post-it in the morning and make plans to fill the void. 

What kind of hobbies can you pick up that don't involve the internet for Saturdays. You could meal prep for 2-3 hours, read for a couple hours, practice yoga, meditate, meet up with friends for a walk or lunch, draw, build something, etc.

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Day 276

No VG - 276 days, no sports news - 7 days, NF - 2 days, SOB -  2 days, NNO59 - 2 days, NIA1030 -  1 day, NLAF - 2 days,  NSOC - 2 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 1 week.

@Erik2.0, yeah man, books are good. It's interesting how I read more when I spend less time on the internet.

@BooksandTrees, it's not so much needing to find new hobbies--I have them--it's just the anxiety from not having my crutch. Keeping busy. being with others, and getting outside of my apartment are the best things for me on the weekends.

@Amphibian220, haha, the beginning of all my posts are jibberish. Here's a breakdown for those who are curious:

No VG - no video games

No sports news - not sure why this isn't abbreviated, lol

NF - No Fap

SOB - Straight Outta Bed (which can be an SOB). Goal here is up after one alarm. In the past I would spend up to an hour in bed with multiple alarms. Dumb.

NNO59 - No News Outside of 5 to 9. Regulating internet consumption, especially at work.

NIA1030 - No Internet after 1030. Game Quitters, and phone music/podcasts excepted. 

NLAF - No Laptop and Food. Eating while internetting is a bad combo for me. Sets me in a loop of YouTube, food, Youtube, etc.

NSOC - No Sleeping on Couch. Bad sleep hygiene, and leaves visible drool stains.

Meditation - straightforward.

No Internet Saturdays (soon to be NIS) - self-explanatory. Work and social event directions excepted.

Post-It Weekends (soon to be PIW) - writing a post-it note of what I feel most anxious about each weekend morning, and attacking that first thing to start my day. Provides a nice sense of accomplishment, responsibility, and calms my anxiety to a more manageable level.

---

And I still have to write a post.

Weekend was up-and-down. Friday was bad. Porn. Dumb.

Saturday started well. The post-it thing actually got my day started well. Hit the library and paid my rent, and I started prepping for salsa dancing early. Was very tired from the night before. Napped while I did laundry. Did not go salsa dancing due to irrational thoughts about how I was dressing. Talked about that ad nauseam with my therapist today. I automatically assume a lot of what other people will think and I have an intense desire to be liked by everyone/not hated. Went on an internet binge to cap the night.

 Sunday went better. Got to a full improv practice for the first time in forever and I really enjoyed the practice. My team has a new coach who I've  worked with before, and am very happy to have them around. The best show I was ever a part of was from one of her classes, and a lot of the people from that class are now a part of our team. We're all pretty stoked. Ran some errands after. Was on internet late, but not a repeat of Friday. 

Today was a good day of work. Holy shit, I said it. Truth. Pretty calm. Got a lot done, even with some messing around. The post-it thing works wonders for my productivity and anxiety. God bless Tim Ferriss. Had aforementioned therapy after. Got home and did some chores. Place is a bit of a mess and I'm going to have to chip away at it.

This weekend, which may start early this week if I take a few days off, the big thing to change will be getting the sleep schedule corrected. That was a big contributing factor to this weekend. Also, not removing sites from my block list. I didn't even notice right away.

Speaking of sleep, goodnight.

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4 hours ago, DaBest said:

Post-It Weekends (soon to be PIW) - writing a post-it note of what I feel most anxious about each weekend morning, and attacking that first thing to start my day. Provides a nice sense of accomplishment, responsibility, and calms my anxiety to a more manageable level.

 

4 hours ago, DaBest said:

Today was a good day of work. Holy shit, I said it. Truth. Pretty calm. Got a lot done, even with some messing around. The post-it thing works wonders for my productivity and anxiety. God bless Tim Ferriss. Had aforementioned therapy after. Got home and did some chores. Place is a bit of a mess and I'm going to have to chip away at it.

I remember that part from 4HWW. I think I want to start doing that as well. I start my day with something that is low-priority and hardly ever get to the high-priority tasks, exactly because they are anxiety provoking (one-time, no prior experience, hard to guess how long will they take etc.)

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Day 277

No VG - 277 days, no sports news - 8 days, NF - 3 days, SOB -  3 days, NNO59 - 3 days, NIA1030 -  2 day, NLAF - 3 days,  NSOC - 3 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 1 week.

@Ikar, yeah, it's surprisingly effective at cutting through anxiety and actually just being a more effective person. I also find it becomes easier to handle difficult stuff earlier in the day when I'm fresh. I hope it works for you, too.

---

Work up and down. Got distracted a lot by other people. I'm close to the point where I can start hiding in my inner sanctum that I moved to where I can do focused work. Right now I've just had a ton of physical papers to handle, which is far easier to do at my desk. 

Also, found less of a need for an internet fix tonight. That's nice. Habits are starting to come back into place.

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Day 278

No VG - 278 days, no sports news - 9 days, NF - 5 days, SOB -  5 days, NNO59 - 4 days, NIA1030 -  3 day, NLAF - 4 days,  NSOC - 4 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 1 week.

Work went well enough today. I got enough done to feel okay with taking the next two days off. Wait...what? Yeah, that's right, I'm actually taking time off solely for me for the first time in a year and a half. This is not for doctor's appointments or because I need to visit family. Nope, just me. 

I'll have to be vigilant the next few days with regards to my internet usage. Post-it notes will be done each and every day. 

I've just earned some well earned sleep. Good night.

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Day 279

No VG - 279 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 6 days, SOB -  6 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 -  4 day, NLAF - 5 days,  NSOC - 5 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 1 week.

First day of a four-day weekend went okay.

Post-it helped. Took care of some anxiety-tasks early and felt accomplished. Then I binged a bit on the internet because I was bored. Then I used the post-it to get back on track. Interestingly, I felt very tired after getting off the internet even though I got a full night's sleep last night. Maybe it's because I'm getting so stimulated sitting in front of a screen. I don't know. 

Hit physical therapy and a networking event after. Actually stayed for the whole three hours of the event and enjoyed myself. Felt a little stifled at times, but I was okay. Still, I feel like I could do a better job connecting with people and having more fun. More to work on.

Tomorrow gets another post-it. Woo.

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