I found a reminder of my former self. You can change yourself too.

[sjoti]

I stumbled across a letter my father wrote me four years ago. It reminded me of a few things, of which one of the biggest is the amount of progress I've made. The letter was advice from my father when I was at the worst of my worst. I'll start with the context.

 

The context

Here I talked about my story without going too much into specifics. I'm going into a specific situation now, which sketches an image in which I was doing badly when I was 18 years old. Between September 2013 until around June 2014 I lived in this city in which my university was located, in a house with a bunch of other students. The year before I wasn't doing too well and I thought that a change of environment was what I needed. It was the opposite. I started smoking much more than I did before, I'd game all day, skip school, lie to keep on gaming, drink at an association similar to a fraternity. I'd keep telling myself that if I skipped school then I'd be able to work hard at home and fix things. I was lying to myself by having totally unrealistic expectations. I couldn't take care of responsibilities, I'd blame everything other than myself. This fucked up relationships, my health, my finances. 

This went on for over half a year, then I realised that I wasn't able to fix it anymore. I was an absolute mess because I knew I didn't have a grip on life and I had no idea how to get. This turned me into someone who was angry at everything. I'd get pissed at people who tried to give me advice, I had no idea how to handle things. Right before some exams, it all hit me, and I was at my parent's place on a Sunday. They wanted to help me out, I ended up getting very angry, shouting at them, which made me decide that I was going to get on the train and get to my own place. This fallout was followed by an email later at night.

The letter

The email said "Letter from dad, good luck tomorrow". Attached to it was a pdf, which was a scan of a letter that was a little over two pages long. 

In this letter, my father explained that he was trying to give advice out of care. He noticed I wasn't doing too well, in a way that was recognisable to him. He explained to me that when he was my age that he and his friends also had their problems, which they fixed in different ways, and they all turned out just fine. With that, he explained to me how he was supportive of my decisions, that I never have to be ashamed to ask for advice. What he also pointed out was the worth of games. Games have no value compared to any learned skill, whether it's knowledge related to the education or a more creative skill. The letter ended with my father explaining he would be there for me whenever.

 

This letter hit me. I was not expecting it, and I can't really remember reading it. It was a reminder of my old behaviour, and that was a reminder of how much I've grown. Over the last 8 months  (almost 250 days?!) I've been growing day by day. It's like hair growth. You don't really notice it until you get a haircut and see how much has to be removed to get back to the old situation. This letter was my haircut, without the removal of progress :). 

There are a few things that this experience pointed out to me. First of all, please, no matter in what situation you are, listen to the advice of people who care about you. Second, don't be afraid to ask for help. Last but definitely not least, you can do it too. I was in a really bad situation back then, it's never too late and even if it takes four long years, it is so so so worth it. 

 

Note: I found this when searching for an earlier purchase of some audio cables. 

 

Edited February 23, 2017 by sjoti