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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Another lovely day without games! No, seriously, I'm starting to appreciate summer in all its increased UV glory. Yesterday I finished a drawing and gained one or two levels in skill. I'll draw a bit more today and I plan to go to the beach with some fragments of translation and get them done there. I haven't been translating since April but Cam of course hasn't stopped producing more and more material for my sorry ass to work on! If he's right and gamers are ultra-dedicated and ultra-focused folks who just need to redirect their energy I can't wait the day I consistently do loads and loads of stuff. 

On a less positive note I've been also neglecting compromises, specially those of social nature (since I try to avoid making commitments of other kinds knowing I probably won't meet them). Next week I promised to myself to go to a "Creative writing" course. I don't expect much apart from spending a lot of money, and I didn't exactly promise, just thought "It would be nice to go". So it's about time I get serious about it and mentally prepare to go.

After all, lacking formal schooling, stuff like this IS my formation now. I have to understand it, acknowledge it. If I pretend to be an actor/writer/artist, taking care of my wits and my body is not a hobby or a side activity anymore. It must become a way of life, a part of my everyday existence as a steady job would. Of course there are people out there who are all talk and call themselves "artists" without any accomplishment. For starters: I am not an artist. Yet. I must prove to myself I am not one of those people. I must be living proof that being a performer is a serious business, or everyone, incluiding myself, will believe that artsy streak of mine was nothing than a excuse to avoid real work. Heh, the "inner-game" must be just that, an interior tool. I never liked that expression to be honest. It's like implying you can only have fun while "playing". And personally, I only have fun with games when I stop looking at them as games, that is, when I focus on what I'm doing seriously. 

Enough rambling! Writing the journal can also be a form of procrastination. See ya!

 

EDIT: MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT

I got rid of Steam using /the tutorial/*

https://www.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/comments/2t384s/how_to_get_rid_of_your_steam_account_in_60_mins/

 

THAT was a milestone. Obviously no one in my circles supports this (my mother would if she knew and knew the implications, but my mother supporting anything was traditionally something to be worried about). You guys are the only ones who are really with me in this. To the rest of the world I'm being unreasonable, a fanatic. I don't want to think too much about it. Why so much defensiveness when empowering should be regarded as a positive thing? But the topic is videogames and everyone loses their mind. I'm just starting to swallow the red pill but I'm certain I'll never be any kind of fanatic. Specially not the one they believe I'm becoming. 

So much money and time threw to the bin in a click... and a dull, grey future ahead. But I'm curious as well. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow in hope, but just in a mild curiosity. Maybe it's my current dark mood or maybe it's just my temperament, unable to feel hyped like all those motivating posts in personal growth blogs tell you to be. I mean, maybe I express my passion about things in a subtler way than most, or something. Anyway, a success, damn it!

Edited by Hitaru

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THANK FUCK

It's true, yeah. People get triggered by the sole mention of video games perhaps being damaging; it's pretty amazing. I'm not even sure what to compare it with. Maybe porn, but even that's not all that controversial anymore.

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On writing. This is what delicioustacos says:

Meanwhile I’m sick of my own thoughts. I’m horny, I start to think– faggot you’ve said that ten million times. I have to take a shit– oh, how original, you’ve only done fifteen essays on that.

At the library I got two books of Jack Gilbert poems. First one I read, from just before his death at 80. Mind blowing. The second one, when he was a mere 65– garbage. Any Bukowski poem before he turned 50– FIFTY! Over-flowery shit. Takes a long long time to break yourself. As long as everyone else sucks worse I’ll be fine.

(It's not that bad. You need to be ok with the fact that you won't produce anything good for a long time though.)

Edited by Marquess

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Good for you on getting rid of Steam!  That thing is the bane of my existence.

was*

 

I invested time and energy in restoring my social circle once again. Boredom makes me do some unusual things. Yesterday I found myself agreeing to go shopping with my mother and enjoying it (much more than her, you could say she's very masculine for some things). Today I'm at a hair's breath to go to the hairdresser and cut my hair differently for a change. Knowing myself it'll be a victory to simply go, but whatever. 

A friend is coming came to my house today to teach me the basics of meditation and insightfulness (if that's a thing). It was absolutely great, for reasons. Long to explain reasons; I'm basically procrastinating my explanations right now. I have some meetings scheduled, plan to spend some time outdoors. Overall, things look fine (albeit incomplete).

For the next week, two courses, verse recitation and some basics of dramaturgy. I also joined a...

erm...

lew

erotic poetry course! I can't believe I dared. It's no big deal but... I'm embarrassed as hell. Not just the childish, repressive prudery, any emotion-related activity or undertaking makes my cheeks flush and my legs tremble. Which is not always a bad thing. For reasons. Embarrasing to explain reasons. 

But I'll learn a trick or two for my writing I desperately crave. That's all that matters. And dude, romanticism may be dead but I bet a well written erotic poem can wreak havoc in the heart of a cultured enough target. And if money, glory and love fail, well, at least it will be just a silly hobby of me. Having hobbies is good. Right?

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A friend is coming came to my house today to teach me the basics of meditation and insightfulness (if that's a thing). It was absolutely great, for reasons.

YOU HAD S-SEX~

tumblr_ni8yoi6qLO1u55xnmo5_1280.jpg

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YOU HAD S-SEX~

N-NO!!! 

...

Also, is that even a thing? I briefly recall some copulation for recreational purposes in the long-term past... without too much recreation, I'm afraid. Ironically, this friend is quite the expert in the topic, with a fitting reputation. Could learn a thing or two or twenty from him, but I'm reluctant to accept some "necessary facts" about men and women in order to develop the "appropriate mindset". 

Picture yourself, @Marquess. Some years younger. Aaaand with an almost magical chick magnet. Funny guy, this friend.

Edited by Hitaru

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@Marquess Hey it was you who called the gay thoughts by yourself. Now you take them home, they always get drunk. Also the age was stating a fact and not a negative implication! Or maybe you have a feminine side, getting all defensive about the age? :P

So all those twenty-something girls are basically coupling with thirty and forty-something men. I've seen plenty of cases of girls settling with older men and resorting to people their age only for one-night stands, so seems legit. Sort of. People are not exactly open (or honest) with their sexual life. But why that sudden stagnation in male value in the twenties? I can imagine girls like "No, no, my religion forbids banging people with 22, but 21 is hot as hell". But most weirdly, they can also literally smell when you transition from 34 to 35 and your value increases exponentially. A peak in pheromone production or something.

I wouldn't take those charts too seriously. After all...

aaiZEKQ.thumb.png.141f30daf1b7212d00b1db

Ah, I remember those times when I was cute and all the hormone-frenzied preadolescent girls were craving my attention. Of course I rejected all their advances, I was that kind of shy autist ("was", yes...). My life was some sort of ecchi anime and it was fun in it's own way. Then I turned 16, libido kicked off, girls became a prize and things went to shit. And since I spent those crucial years in a cloistered relationship I missed all the "experimenting" with all those androgynously gorgeous but ill-tempered sissy degenerates. What the hell was I thinking. I wanted to have a sissy degenerate phase too! Now I look 20 years older than I am, I look tired, boring, dull. Such tragedy.

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I did say that before, didn't I? Man I should get over it already -.-

Oh, also days have become stagnant after my huge "Screw Steam" victory. It was to be expected, so I'll try to find out what I'm doing wrong (or what I can do better). A completely rash and nonsensical decision would be in order, it's been a while.

Edited by Hitaru

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@Marquess Hey it was you who called the gay thoughts by yourself. Now you take them home, they always get drunk. Also the age was stating a fact and not a negative implication! Or maybe you have a feminine side, getting all defensive about the age? :P

So all those twenty-something girls are basically coupling with thirty and forty-something men. I've seen plenty of cases of girls settling with older men and resorting to people their age only for one-night stands, so seems legit. Sort of. People are not exactly open (or honest) with their sexual life. But why that sudden stagnation in male value in the twenties? I can imagine girls like "No, no, my religion forbids banging people with 22, but 21 is hot as hell". But most weirdly, they can also literally smell when you transition from 34 to 35 and your value increases exponentially. A peak in pheromone production or something.

I wouldn't take those charts too seriously. After all...

aaiZEKQ.thumb.png.141f30daf1b7212d00b1db

Ah, I remember those times when I was cute and all the hormone-frenzied preadolescent girls were craving my attention. Of course I rejected all their advances, I was that kind of shy autist ("was", yes...). My life was some sort of ecchi anime and it was fun in it's own way. Then I turned 16, libido kicked off, girls became a prize and things went to shit. And since I spent those crucial years in a cloistered relationship I missed all the "experimenting" with all those androgynously gorgeous but ill-tempered sissy degenerates. What the hell was I thinking. I wanted to have a sissy degenerate phase too! Now I look 20 years older than I am, I look tired, boring, dull. Such tragedy.

You're what, 21? Plenty of time for a sissy degenerate phase even though genetics start to play a larger role once you hit 20s ofc, so YMMV.

Sexual market value thing is more related to status & wealth men typically obtain around that age. But I've noticed that by extension, girls will start to treat you a little differently when you hit 30. That's just me though. I think a part of it is the general understanding that 30+ men are less likely to deal with their drama bullshit, are more ready to set the rules (which they crave).

Edited by Marquess

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Or maybe you have a feminine side, getting all defensive about the age? :P

F  U  C  K  Y  O  U
U
C
K
Y
O
U

<3

 

You're what, 21? Plenty of time for a sissy degenerate phase even though genetics start to play a larger role once you hit 20s ofc, so YMMV.

Sexual market value thing is more related to status & wealth men typically obtain around that age. But I've noticed that by extension, girls will start to treat you a little differently when you hit 30. That's just me though. I think a part of it is the general understanding that 30+ men are less likely to deal with their drama bullshit, are more ready to set the rules (which they crave).

In a completely coincidental coincidence I went partying* last night with theatre friends, some of them thirty year olds, and some unexpected female attention triggered this exact conversation. They utterly crushed my vision of myself of being a special snowflake of socially imposed asexuality. According to them, I'm equally able to pick up girls as any other guy of my age, that is, quite unable. The only things standing in my way are 1. I'm in an incorrect, "nice guy" mindset, regardless if I was aware of it or not. And 2. Girls my age allegedly are a bunch of void, trivial hussies. 

*The original plan was going to a delightfully decadent music festival. There were several people scheduled to play that night, but the guy we saw before leaving for dinner was the epitome of Fremdschämic indieness. Fedora and checkered shirt which he proceeded to unbutton during his performance, leaving him bare-chested. His songs were two or three disjointed phrases with heavy emphasis in "fucking" "pussy" and anti-government demonstrations. In a family-friendly event. Of course no good, old-fashioned families were present, so there was nothing to worry about. Then lots of endless chords in a pleasant to hear but soon repetitive mix of light rock, jazz and gypsy rumba. He then proceeded to spray the crowd with a water gun. Ah, good, college freshman experiences. With no graduation at the end but whatever.

Partying, drinking and merry debauchery is all good and fun, but leaves me sore and it's unpleasant. I'm certainly not designed for modern jollification. As usual, I waste most of the day staring at the ceiling and then feel guilty about the thousand things I should be doing. 

But hey, at least a whole future of glorious female conquests awaits, that's good to hear. :|

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Your friends are mostly right with the addition that it's not about most girls being trash; most people are trash as it is. They just notice it in girls more as straight men since every single girl interests them because penis, but a random, average guy means nothing to them.

Parties are ok if you're interested in that. There are other and possibly better ways to meet people though. I don't like parties personally because you can't even talk, and everyone's getting drunk, and I can't drink.

This sounds good though; you should hang with those 30yo guys more.

Edited by Marquess

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Your friends are mostly right with the addition that it's not about most girls being trash; most people are trash as it is. They just notice it in girls more as straight men since every single girl interests them because penis, but a random, average guy means nothing to them.

Parties are ok if you're interested in that. There are other and possibly better ways to meet people though. I don't like parties personally because you can't even talk, and everyone's getting drunk, and I can't drink.

This sounds good though; you should hang with those 30yo guys more.

They were a guy and a girl so it was more a display of "common knowledge". I'll take your advice, they're fun to hang with. My opinion of parties has settled to neutral, but being unable to talk is a huge con.

 

Cold Turkey bought and programmed. This has just reached a new level of serious-businessness. From now on, no late-night computer and no mindless-browsing.

[Insert battle cry here]

Edited by Hitaru

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So what are you going to block and why?

Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, Wikipedia and several procrastination tools except for 30 minutes each two hours of useful work.

Lewd Stuff for three months straight.

Computer blocked from 0:00 to 7:00 everyday.

Obvious reasons!

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Nothing like a rival to make your gears all fired up!

Picture this guy (I met today): Same age as me, just graduated from Criminology. Discovers acting in January this year and falls completely for it. Some short crash courses later, with absolutely no prior experience, he's ready to start a two-year diplomature of cinema studies, has a proper portfolio, huge contacts, a website, studies in several languages to open doors to foreign formation or roles, and about to settle in Madrid to start a professional career. Eight damn months.

Now, I think you know me enough already. How would I feel if I had to see this guy in the afternoon Tv while growing dirt in my backwater hometown for an indefinite amount of time? This, this... lucky parvenu! Am I going to just lay back, fold my arms and accept it?

FUCK NO!

Absolutely, absolutely unforgivable!!

So I'm going to follow his footsteps and harness his good disposition to help and guide me to maximum effect. By no means I'm getting behind. A rash decision I said earlier, huh? How about a rash race to success!

Now, don't misunderstand, cash and b*tches is not what success means to me. It's about position. Getting my face in a promotional poster in Gran Vía. And grossly fat my CV.

Normally, I would fear this enthusiasm flatten after a date with the pillow. Thankfully I'm getting to see this guy for the whole day for four more days. By the end of Friday I'll be so damn envious (in a healthy way) and my pride so hurt, I simply won't be able to take it off my mind. He's exactly the opposite to me! And with my same age. 

How can be that nothing but destiny?

Things to do (even without newfound resolution). Log out.

Edited by Hitaru

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