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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Just do it, amigo!

Without keeping up what you really WANT to do, this fight is pointless.

The more sweat on the training, the less blood in the battle.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

PS. Thanks for Spanish lesson! Really appreciate that :)

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I don't mind you playing LiS, but it is a video game, and you are on a forum that's built around video games with an intention to quit video games. I don't care if you find LiS less triggering, dangerous, or anything else you may prefer to call it; it is a video game. And you're playing it.

If it's really not so important to you, then leave it until you finish your 90 days. Claiming you're playing a less dangerous video game to distract yourself from more dangerous one is absurd and a first step to yet another full blown relapse.

Go ahead and play LiS, but don't expect these days to actually count towards the 90 days.

You ultimately have to ask yourself whether you're ready to quit playing for good.

I'd appreciate if someone would support me on this.

As for Rand, social services can be handled by charity and private agencies (insurance against poverty for example) in a more efficient way. I imagine a kind of a private-based welfare system would exist, and these private agencies would be highly motivated to get their clients employed. Meanwhile, my welfare officer doesn't exactly care whether I find a job or not since the money is coming from a huge, abstract, violent machine called the state that is collecting the money through force.

PS: Stop worrying about what's moral and go visit your friend. Do what's good for you.

Edited by Marchosias

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@Marchosias of course you are right and it is a video a game. But does it really matter? I mean if he wants to name everything which he feels endangering his improvement or he will use as temporary escape video game, and let the rest out of this definition this is factually wrong. But is it important how he name it? Isn't it jsut easier to call it videogame detox then 90-days-of-not-doing-games-who-serve-as-temporary-escape-plus-too-much-sleeping-plus-evading-my-life-detox. This are just names in my opinion. As long as Jose wants to improve himself and works on it while committing to something this is great. If he wants t call it 90days of gaming detox and still play LiS this is great too. As long as he himself is clear about what he will do it works with me and I am happy to support it in any way which is possible for me.

There is a German proverb which goes like this: Sometimes you have to let 5 be even. I think this applies here

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I don't mind you playing LiS, but it is a video game, and you are on a forum that's built around video games with an intention to quit video games. I don't care if you find LiS less triggering, dangerous, or anything else you may prefer to call it; it is a video game. And you're playing it.

If it's really not so important to you, then leave it until you finish your 90 days. Claiming you're playing a less dangerous video game to distract yourself from more dangerous one is absurd and a first step to yet another full blown relapse.

Go ahead and play LiS, but don't expect these days to actually count towards the 90 days.

You ultimately have to ask yourself whether you're ready to quit playing for good.

I'd appreciate if someone would support me on this.

As for Rand, social services can be handled by charity and private agencies (insurance against poverty for example) in a more efficient way. I imagine a kind of a private-based welfare system would exist, and these private agencies would be highly motivated to get their clients employed. Meanwhile, my welfare officer doesn't exactly care whether I find a job or not since the money is coming from a huge, abstract, violent machine called the state that is collecting the money through force.

PS: Stop worrying about what's moral and go visit your friend. Do what's good for you.

Still disagree with the definition. But it's just a technicism. If it distracts me, it's equally bad than a game. Games themselves are not the problem. Our attitude towards them is. Our attitude towards life. And I have the same attitude of games with so many things. I'm so tired of myself. Fun fact. I haven't played LiS since I said I did.

Oh, politics time! I was having a terrible day (week), sharing some thougths with you will cheer me up.

They would end being nothing else than loan-sharks. Private enterprises are never an honest, straightforward affair. Actually private business should be allowed to exist only to provide non-essential goods and services at prohibitive prices so people will relate attaining them as achievement; and only because experience has proven (with a little help of capitalist meddling and warmongering) that you can't just ban luxury and consumerism. They are a disgusting but necessary evil. People need something to motivate them to thrive. It's not Heaven, land or titles anymore, and humans tend to be blissfully oblivious to self-growth, therefore a big shiny rock in a finger or a fancy overrated means of transport will have to do. Paternalist Capitalism, if you ask me. Now, about the link...

 

 

'scuse me. That story comes a long way back. Jerez is notoriously infamous for being a stronghold of corruption regardless of the party in power (unlike heavily one-sided corruption like conservatives fascists in Valencia or socialists in Andalusia). In this instance, socialists inherited and exploited the system of ousted (by widespread application of police handcuffs) opposition. This is probably unusual. Tradition dictates media on payroll races to dig up the rival's dirt. Despite renown of its wineries, the actual place lacks anything of note, so no one can quite explain the greek proportions of debt left behind. Again, no honest person can. Crooks think different.

 

Concerning Cádiz, it was ruled almost as a personal demesne for the last 20 years by a populist, right-winged, blonde-dyed, middle-aged woman, stories like that were aplenty. They seem to be an european trend: there are at least two in Spain (there was a third most people only learned about when she was assasinated, an event which was absolutely shocking and exceptional, my dear firearm-handling, social-clashing anglo-american friends), Thatcher in the UK, Merkel in Germany... All equally unpleasant to look at and equally avoidant in their accountability. The right hates women but spawning those Eldritch aberrations is just low. Honorable mention to Rand of course. That being said, Hillary gives me the creeps and is just clinging to the "novelty-wagon" inaugurated by Obama (among other well exploited cir-cum-stances, which has its own merit to be fair). There, I said it. 

 

Then, glorious revolution came thanks to "The Celebration of Democracy" (La fiesta de la democracia, a widespread ancient political slogan to praise the right to vote) and now we (my hometown, so proud...) are ruled by a populist, left-winged, loose-shirt-and-earrings-wearing, no-real-former-job-known middle-aged man. Isn't it grand, comrade? You would LOVE the town hall meetings, @Marchosias. They are public by law and it's the best recreation available of the ancient Roman Senate. Or the current Ukrainian Parliament, depending on the mood of the day. Lumpenproletariats storm the halls, profanity and mediocrity ensues, police intervenes and another day well spent. Allegedly, despite all concerns on their personal hygiene and the red scare (or purple in this case, again with the unfortunate implications), public debt has been steadily decreasing. Not so big an achievement, I mean, check us out on Google Maps or something, I'm pretty sure having the tallest bridge of Europe or a stadium with glass walls was kinda exaggerated. Money ended in unwanted pockets, that's for certain.

 

I knew I was going to spend the afternoon doing something completely secondary to my very pressing matters but I couldn't expect it would be this. At least my anger attack has receded (explanations later), so maybe I'll be able to get something done today. 

 

Hope you're all well, I'll write again very soon. ^^

Edited by Hitaru

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I don't mind you playing LiS, but it is a video game, and you are on a forum that's built around video games with an intention to quit video games. I don't care if you find LiS less triggering, dangerous, or anything else you may prefer to call it; it is a video game. And you're playing it.

If it's really not so important to you, then leave it until you finish your 90 days. Claiming you're playing a less dangerous video game to distract yourself from more dangerous one is absurd and a first step to yet another full blown relapse.

Go ahead and play LiS, but don't expect these days to actually count towards the 90 days.

You ultimately have to ask yourself whether you're ready to quit playing for good.

I'd appreciate if someone would support me on this.

As for Rand, social services can be handled by charity and private agencies (insurance against poverty for example) in a more efficient way. I imagine a kind of a private-based welfare system would exist, and these private agencies would be highly motivated to get their clients employed. Meanwhile, my welfare officer doesn't exactly care whether I find a job or not since the money is coming from a huge, abstract, violent machine called the state that is collecting the money through force.

PS: Stop worrying about what's moral and go visit your friend. Do what's good for you.

Still disagree with the definition. But it's just a technicism. If it distracts me, it's equally bad than a game. Games themselves are not the problem. Our attitude towards them is. Our attitude towards life. And I have the same attitude of games with so many things. I'm so tired of myself. Fun fact. I haven't played LiS since I said I did.

Oh, politics time! I was having a terrible day (week), sharing some thougths with you will cheer me up.

They would end being nothing else than loan-sharks. Private enterprises are never an honest, straightforward affair. Actually private business should be allowed to exist only to provide non-essential goods and services at prohibitive prices so people will relate attaining them as achievement; and only because experience has proven (with a little help of capitalist meddling and warmongering) that you can't just ban luxury and consumerism. They are a disgusting but necessary evil. People need something to motivate them to thrive. It's not Heaven, land or titles anymore, and humans tend to be blissfully oblivious to self-growth, therefore a big shiny rock in a finger or a fancy overrated means of transport will have to do. Paternalist Capitalism, if you ask me. Now, about the link...

 

 

'scuse me. That story comes a long way back. Jerez is notoriously infamous for being a stronghold of corruption regardless of the party in power (unlike heavily one-sided corruption like conservatives fascists in Valencia or socialists in Andalusia). In this instance, socialists inherited and exploited the system of ousted (by widespread application of police handcuffs) opposition. This is probably unusual. Tradition dictates media on payroll races to dig up the rival's dirt. Despite renown of its wineries, the actual place lacks anything of note, so no one can quite explain the greek proportions of debt left behind. Again, no honest person can. Crooks think different.

 

Concerning Cádiz, it was ruled almost as a personal demesne for the last 20 years by a populist, right-winged, blonde-dyed, middle-aged woman, stories like that were aplenty. They seem to be an european trend: there are at least two in Spain (there was a third most people only learned about when she was assasinated, an event which was absolutely shocking and exceptional, my dear firearm-handling, social-clashing anglo-american friends), Thatcher in the UK, Merkel in Germany... All equally unpleasant to look at and equally avoidant in their accountability. The right hates women but spawning those Eldritch aberrations is just low. Honorable mention to Rand of course. That being said, Hillary gives me the creeps and is just clinging to the "novelty-wagon" inaugurated by Obama (among other well-exploited cir-cum-stances, which has its own merit to be fair). There, I said it. 

 

Then, glorious revolution came thanks to "The Celebration of Democracy" (La fiesta de la democracia, a widespread ancient political slogan to praise the right to vote) and now we (my hometown, so proud...) are ruled by a populist, left-winged, loose-shirt-and-earrings-wearing, no-real-former-job-known middle-aged man. Isn't it grand, comrade? You would LOVE the town hall meetings, @Marchosias. They are public by law and it's the best recreation available of the ancient Roman Senate. Or the current Ukrainian Parliament, depending on the mood of the day. Lumpenproletariats storm the halls, profanity and mediocrity ensues, police intervenes and another day well spent. Allegedly, despite all concerns on their personal hygiene and the red scare (or purple in this case, again with the unfortunate implications), public debt has been steadily decreasing. Not so big an achievement, I mean, check us out on Google Maps or something, I'm pretty sure having the tallest bridge of Europe or a stadium with glass walls was kinda exaggerated. Money ended in unwanted pockets, that's for certain.

 

I knew I was going to spend the afternoon doing something completely secondary to my very pressing matters but I couldn't expect it was this. At least my anger attack has receded (explanations later), so maybe I'll be able to get anything done today. 

 

Hope you're all well, I'll write again very soon. ^^

 

 

Personally I don't really care about the definition of LiS. The ultimate thing that most of us are trying to achieve is our purpose in life, whatever that is, and this forum is a means to get there. 

Good job on your efforts. 

Looking forward to updates :) 

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@LilChenChen Yes and no. Yes because game addiction is fundamentally different from other addictions. No because, well, it's "Game Quitters" at the end of the day!

Also, full quote was not necessary. You can quote users using @ or delete unrelated text leaving only the part you're actually quoting. Keep my "room" tidy please! xD

I'll try my best. At least try, I don't know my best. But try anyway.

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Fuck your attitude, dude. You need to understand that you will never ever be able to re-adjust your attitude towards games in a way which would allow you to enjoy them casually. Stop trying to make compromises. It's all or nothing.

It's impossible to quit before you can do that.

You may go play LiS now and you may do just fine, but remember when I said that relapses don't happen out of nowhere. In fact, there a several stages one enters before actually relapsing, and it's basically all about slowly slipping back into your previous life patterns. Once you're deep enough, a relapse can happen at any point, and it does.

Ultimately, you'll have to figure this stuff out for yourself; I can only tell you what I know and, to be honest, have no interest in trying to police your life. Not that that would work anyway.

I can't  be bothered with discussing how LiS is an adventure game, and how VNs are stripped down adventure games, but really just books with pictures & animations at the end. The two categories bleed into each other in some cases, yet that doesn't mean they don't exist in a distinct way. LiS is an adventure game. A story driven adventure game, yeah, in comparison to more puzzle oriented adventure games, but an adventure game nonetheless.

I honestly feel many people here take the "don't be an asshole" rule too literally. If someone is thinking about doing a mistake, which in this case is playing a video game, calling him out when he tries to rationalize it as anything but a relapse is the definition of not being an asshole. And supporting him just for the sake of getting along is a cowardly dick move.

There's a chance that some video games may be less risky for certain individuals and may, in fact, be safe to enjoy. Sure. Maybe. But exploring that area before you get your life together, especially during the 90 day detox, is stupid and dangerous.

 

 

Edited by Marchosias

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I honestly feel many people here take the "don't be an asshole" rule too literally. If someone is thinking about doing a mistake, which in this case is playing a video game, calling him out when he tries to rationalize it as anything but a relapse is the definition of not being an asshole. And supporting him just for the sake of getting along is a cowardly dick move.

Just to be clear, calling someone out in a constructive way is not being an asshole. It probably has less to do with the rule itself and more of just people not being comfortable doing such a thing. The key for me is just always that it's constructive and with the best intentions in mind. Being an asshole imo has more to do with just being a dick to be a dick.

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I honestly feel many people here take the "don't be an asshole" rule too literally. If someone is thinking about doing a mistake, which in this case is playing a video game, calling him out when he tries to rationalize it as anything but a relapse is the definition of not being an asshole. And supporting him just for the sake of getting along is a cowardly dick move.

Just to be clear, calling someone out in a constructive way is not being an asshole. It probably has less to do with the rule itself and more of just people not being comfortable doing such a thing. The key for me is just always that it's constructive and with the best intentions in mind. Being an asshole imo has more to do with just being a dick to be a dick.

This is doubly annoying to me because I considered playing LiS as well a while ago. And I actually am still thinking of playing an odd adventure game at some distant point in my life even though I'm not sure what to think of it. But for example, when the next Broken Sword comes out, I'll be interested. That's far away since, as far as I know, the thing isn't even officially announced yet, but it will happen.

However, eating rum flavored candy (with no actual alcohol) after being sober for two years comes to mind. Any therapist will bite off your head for just suggesting it.

It's a risk factor no matter how you look at it.

Edited by Marchosias

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@Hitaru 

How is things going? 

Are you still oversleeping? I used to oversleep a lot. 

Just some ideas that may help: 

If you think that you are sleeping more than you should, seek medical advice.

from http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/physical-side-effects-oversleeping:

Regardless of the cause of your oversleeping, practicing good sleep hygiene will help you reap the benefits of a healthy seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Experts recommend keeping the same bedtimes and wake times every day. They also recommend avoiding caffeine and alcohol close to bedtime. Exercising regularly and making your bedroom a comfortable environment that's conducive to sleep will help you get the amount of sleep you need.

Edited by LilChenChen

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I've been thinking a lot about how to properly answer you, @Marquess. You were extremely rude and aggressive (and not just with me, which is the worrisome part), and you did cause me a fair deal of negative peer pressure. On the other hand, you were absolutely honest and straightforward and weren't trying to offend in a destructive way. Most people would be rather pissed at you for several possible reasons, incluiding getting defensive. Personally I decided I won't. I was upset when I read your comments days ago, but I hesitated in my response and now I just can gather your message from a neutral perspective (instead of getting mad or boasting about how I'm sparing you from my telematic wrath, both laughable possibilities). I said destructive because I believe people like you (the group of known people I assume you belong, among many other groups classified in my head based on psychologically shallow behavioral patterns people in each group share) have a conscious or subconscious belief that being rude (of course you wouldn't call that) is an effective way of getting your message across. Some kind of "Drill Sergeant Mentality" or "slaping people back to sanity" in survival situations. It works with the right person in the right moment so I won't complain (and I could). But it's basically an appeal to emotion and I'm not very... responsive, to emotions. Regretfully. 

I'm sure I wrote in the past about how I prefer to let people's jaws get a taste of the wall they're about to smash rather than get into an argument with a blind man. Witnessed too many pointless teenage fights (and political debates which are essentially the same thing), and silly break-ups, I guess. No big deal @Marquess, really, just different approaches to things. With this I just wanted to... express myself? Or justify myself? Or justifying in a non-defensive way in some sort of attempt of "character developement"?

Anyway jokes on me since I had a relapse. A huge one. Actually I just wanted to write to inform you guys about it. I have nothing to complain or reflect or theorise about the situation. I'm just playing the old games. And sleeping like shit. And not eating. And barely showering. All my projects are halted and this July has been completely thrown out the window. Simply that; no attached bullshit.

If I have to make an estimation I'd say I'm back in a situation similar to 2013, before snapping and beggining my brief adventure in Dramatic Arts. Slightly wiser this time, and with a clearer idea (at least a rough guess) of where do I want to take my life. Even if I'm not doing shit to make it happen. 

Good news therefore is that at least I'm not in the situation of last year. I am depressed; saying otherwise for whatever reason would be ludicrous and dangerous. But I'm not the wreck I used to be. Or maybe I am, but everything seems a bit brighter. Which would make sense since it's summer. Pardon the pun. In my defense I'll say winter autumn usually makes things much more tolerable for me. 

Bad news is it that wreck will come back. It will come back the moment I take the slightest action towards the right path. It's an unresolved isue and it can't just be ignored. 

I have to take it down and choke it to death, even if it leaves me mentally scarred or some shit. As if, there are plenty of weirdos out there, I won't stand out so much. I have to tackle my mortality, my identity, my responsibility in my own life. It's ridiculous that I can't just relax and wait for the answer to dawn upon me while I'm doing seemingly random stuff in my life, and it's ridiculous that I still haven't got over the fact that "normal people" processes don't apply to me. So instead of getting out into the field and play until I get it how's it done I need at least a basic (I hope) set of my very own rules. I have to tell myself how I want to do things, convince myself, almost brain-wash myself into absolute conviction, then do them in my own personal way. 

 

It's exhausting just thinking about thinking about it. 

 

I really, REALLY don't want to be playing videogames until I reach another all-low point and forcefully shift my polarity in a fit of rage. Again. I'd like to be more... intentional about the whole process. It's more a reminder to myself, I don't think you can help me out of this extremely particular and individual thing. We have reached the event horizon where the issue can't be more condensed and it is I who has to make it work. It's my hour. Not latching to anyone feels refreshing and yet awfully terrifying. 

Believe me, I'm not the lone wolf type, at least when it comes to my problems. They are public domain and everyone, including you, knows it. If any of you happen to had the answer to magically solve everything I'd gladly step aside and let them do the dirty work. I'm more practical than proud, and I gotta a whole load of pride so... If I say it can't be done by anyone else, it can't. I'm not pleased with that. In the slightest. But it can't be helped. Now I'm going to log out, get some sleep and think about my next action. Perhaps I'll end up masturbating and playing again. Perhaps that will go on for several days, or weeks. For now, I just know that this is war, and I'm on my own. Despite the odds against me, I couldn't ask for a fairer start. I always wished to know what was wrong with me; well, now I know. What will I do, I wonder. 

Edited by Hitaru

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Its a hard pill to swallow - to think you may never go back to abother game again. Ive been watching all cs bhoo videos and missing my friends.

I told myself I can go back once Im earning a passive 5k a month and slept with 30 women. Lets blitz our goals then when we comfortable and content we can do what we want.

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Dude, you're a great writer. 

On another note, the thing is, it is always only up to us to do the work we need to do to live the life we want to live. Nobody else can do the work for us. All of us. It's always only our work to do. That doesn't mean we can't have support and such, but it will always be up to us to follow through.

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Its a hard pill to swallow - to think you may never go back to abother game again. Ive been watching all cs bhoo videos and missing my friends.

I told myself I can go back once Im earning a passive 5k a month and slept with 30 women. Lets blitz our goals then when we comfortable and content we can do what we want.

That must be tough. At least I'm safe from the social withdrawal since I played alone all the time, so I made no friends online, and that social aspect is one of the hardest to overcome (and what differentiates gaming from other addictions). You're a brave man, surely way braver than me. I commend your strenght! 

Hmm, on one hand sticking your penis into thirty vaginas and monthly appropiating some digits on a computer screen doesn't appeal  to me as a deserving measure of human worth. On the other hand they are a clear, definite goal to reach, and in achieving them you'll be developing some "quest-related" skills which are the real deal (e.g. it's not only about banging girls, it's about social skills; it's not only about paper bills, it's about having a fulfilling job)

 

Dude, you're a great writer. 

On another note, the thing is, it is always only up to us to do the work we need to do to live the life we want to live. Nobody else can do the work for us. All of us. It's always only our work to do. That doesn't mean we can't have support and such, but it will always be up to us to follow through.

Nah that ain't true. I might be kinda ok in my language (and I'm still an amateur at best) but in English I'm sloppy as hell. I keep making third-grader typos and I lack any kind of fluency or coherence. To be fair with myself, I haven't tried seriously (consistently study grammar and vocabulary or take writing lessons). The more I express myself in this language, the more I like it and consider the idea. Spanish is lustrous and melodic, and can be incisive and pragmatic too, but your language sure is something else. 

 

Specially for writing smut. For erotic poetry (or poetry in general), prose and most types of narrative, spanish works wonders. It's no boast our literature is top-notch, as well as english lit. But goodness our smut is just ludicrous. In fact we don't have anything like a "smut culture" both sides of the pond. Perhaps it's the weak point of our way of expressing ourselves. It doesn't sound natural in any way: you can only make a frisky humorously relatable "bar story" (albeit it can be a well-narrated one); bar referring to the setting in which you would most probably tell the story and not necesarily the setting in which takes place. Or you can end up with a forced attempt (or pitiable parody) at "post-modern grecoroman theatrical rethoric". Which can be literarily beautiful but all those metaphors and grand, improbable words kill the immersion process as much as the constant jokes and puns of the first type. There are no in-betweens. (One of my goals in life is, of course, making this statement false, and achieve recognition for it! I can always hone my English but this objective in particular is a personal challenge.)

Even our porn consist mostly in parodies and foolish jokes are made in the middle of the filming! As I like to summarize it: Best girls; Worst plot. Yes, yes; implying porn has something even closely remote to plot. The japanese at least try it! To bad they have the worst girls and a hopeless fetish for that creepy, rape-y moaning. And way worse guys. And that weird piano playing background everywhere. Or perhaps is just a cultural clash. Of course I'm eager to make all kinds of socio-cultural connections here but that would be stepping in the fields of conspiracy. My, my, look at me now, spewing nonsense about lewdness! Can you imagine this being a career? I just can't wait for this to be a thing and witness glorious debates of stiff-necked asexual scholars arguing about which historical period of porn was better. 

I'm literally itching in my liver to provide you with written examples to prove the extent of my point, but I kinda can't, I guess. It would make Jesus cry and children question their parents, and some people get all fired up with religious morals and freedom of information... :P That, and the best examples of the absurd adaptability of English language for smut that I know come from rather politically incorrect sources. But you don't have to be aware of that. Except that now I said it. 

(As you can see I'm being pretty talkative, not much to do today haha. Well, at least I'm giving you invaluable hispanic cultural lessons! You won't read this in textbooks :))

A-NY-WAY, yes, you're totally right! It's only up to us but sometimes it's easier to get sidetracked or lost in a sea of third party opinions and advice. I'm an expert at that. Never again.

There really is a fad among actors to drop high-school, it seems! I guess that's motivating and inspiring and good news for me. Still it doesn't erase the fact of six crucial years lost and counting. And it doesn't apply to spanish actors. Here everyone has their degree. What they usually don't have is a job. 

As @play_time_is_over says or implies, it's best to have a specific objective rather than just saying "I want to be an artist", "I want to fix my life", and big, abstract, unspecific things like that. 

Of course I also get the impression I'm keep beating around the bush without taking real action, that I'm just fancy words and nothing else. That's discouraging as things are when they are your fault. But I must keep writing and I must keep giving a fuck about this, about my life. Tomorrow I'll be on track with sleep again, and coincidentally it will be Monday. I have the rest of the afternoon today to really think about my future; my future without videogames, even if my projection only spans for three very relatively measly months. Yup, something I should have done around eight months ago. I'm just exquisitely inefficient like that.

Edited by Hitaru

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Sometimes if I read your comments I have to think of this article. Not about the procrastination part, but the part where Manson talks about being scared to change your identity(Manson's law of avoidance). I think this is really true for me and as I realized that, I was able to change in some way by only doing one thing(not gaming in my case and exercising). This made me really doubtful about the whole concept of a fixed ientiyf(you are unchangeable how you are). I feel more and more that your "identity" is something which is changeable to a high degree if you "just" are able to believe in this change and act continuously on to it ,because you have a good reason to. Everyone sees himself in a special way. You for example firmly believe and experienced, that the pressure to change yourself has to lead to depression and becoming a non functional being emotion wise. I don't think that this has to be true. I think this is the most important reason to start small and give yourself to much pressure to change a lot. If I succeed and be it only a little in something not that important, where I beforehand thought you couldn't do it,  it makes me believe in the fact that change is possible for me which makes everything easier. My self Identity isn't fixed and I am sure yours aren't either.

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@WorkInProgress 

So I was this busy thinking and believing I was the hottest ball of nihilist intellectualism or some shit this side of the Atlantic, then comes this guy with that face of con-artist of his and shoves me all over the place. Man, I'm exhilarated; he showed me.

Now, what if I was completely sure of my identity at the bottom of my heart but I was scared as fuck to threaten my imposed identity of "nice, normal guy" despite being cocksure confident of being able to reach my true self the very moment I try? And, alas, what if all that confidence and hope everyone put in my brain when I was a child has reinforced a crushing fear of failure that would threaten that identity of future prodigy ingrained in myself?

Because that's exactly how it is. I thought and was taught to believe fear of success was simply arrogance. I thought and was taught to believe I had to use my brain in some useful and stunning way or I would never be happy and fulfilled. I thought and was taught to believe I am a social misfit (Gee, I have one two clinical diagnoses stating literally that). I thought and was taught to believe I would always be a boring, grey-haired, dull-faced and misunderstood intellectual; even in my teens. And, contradictorily, I thought and was taught to believe having a linear, smooth existence would be the only way to meet approval and avoid conflict, and therefore achieve happiness.

Now I see the exact amount of bullshit I'm dealing with, and blessed damn THANK YOU for showing me that article. Yes! Even I don't know things! Feels great!

 

So who the hell I am? Well, actually I have several ideas in my mind:

- If I choose politics, I predict I'll have a short flashy career in the big leagues or be a regional celebrity until my old age. Depends if I choose to play by the rules (big leagues) or my love for political incorrectness and roasting people beats my pragmatism and desire for glory. Or hey, why not both?

- If I choose writing I guess I'll write some pretentious opus that will give sleeping pills' producing companies a hell of a time, and some short stories that will be the good stuff, and my legacy to the world. 

- If I choose acting, I guess I'll end up my days doing mostly theatre in several languages. Cinema is ok, but not my gig I guess. But who knows, I'll be giving it a try anyway. Some sort of Ian McKellen (may His Name be glorified) perhaps?

- I can choose comedy and do a bit of all the three previous options in a cheeky, lovely, impudent way. Best way of doing anything if you ask me. 

- And of course, I can become a buddhist monk and travel the world in a robe saying random, life-changing sayings to worried-looking people in the street. Rest assured that I will, at some point in my life.

 

"BUT WAIT", you'll be now saying. That's not who you are, that's who you'll be! (or believe you'll be, but with my intuition, there's nothing as believe!). Well... yep, you caught me there.

Now? Meh, now I'm just a measly, petty NEET. With larger-than-life aspirations. Disparaging myself makes me want to play. Bragging makes me want to hide in bed and cry. I guess I'll have to search for a third way while I unconsciously get things done and become something, whatever that would be.

 

 

[This post was NOT sarcastic. Unbelievable I know, but bear with me]

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I also realized its like the fifth time I say the same stuff but with something like a 10% of new information. It's a damn spiral. Well, at least is not a circle and I guess some people will thank not having to look at previous pages to know what's going on since I'm constantly repeating myself -_-

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Quick update. Sleeping is working again. I don't know exactly when was the last time I played and I think I feel less pressured that way. In October/November I'll just randomly shout YAY and that will be.

>implying so many implyness bout me not playing again, sigh

That wise article dude taught me to do things despite initial discomfort. So it seems life is about doing things you're uncomfortable with at the moment hoping to feel awesome in hindsight. Then feeling mildly awesome cause you made it, but not fully awesome since you're now busy with the next goal. It's like catching a shadow. It must have its fun, all successful people did and are doing exactly that. AND the alternative is being an overweight gaditan redneck, which is it's unique kind of redneck. Thanks to the new bridge I can cut short safely if shit hits the fan. Old bridge was too low and some people got really fucked over.

 

As if I'd ever do that. I'm living this shit through the very end. 

I'm moderately healthy, got some friends and things to do. What else could I ask right now?

 

EDIT: Oh! Also, not play is not play. Anything. All those graphic adventures and shit can wait I guess. Maybe I can't wait, but that's another story altogether.

Edited by Hitaru

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