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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Keep moving forward amigo!

And this algorythm about achieving goals is something you should use too! It's freaking awesome and works for me well, so just give it a try!

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And this algorythm about achieving goals is something you should use too! It's freaking awesome and works for me well, so just give it a try!

You mean this?

1426329857744.thumb.png.26d993f90051033d

I found it on the Internet so maybe is common knowledge here, but still I'll leave it here to remember its existence and check when needed.

I should be studying Maths. And yet here I am; surrounded by a horde of aspiring programmers in their self-proclaimed turf which is this particular campus cafeteria, writing a lewd story (of exquisite quality but that goes without saying). Such is life in Student Spain. Come on, focus on the task, will ya. I've recovered from my funk and I'm ready to rock. If I can actually steer and steel myself against this so god damned huge pile of... respectable numbers. My first arrogant indisposition to study high-school subjects at my age has been thoroughly replaced by a pleasant desperation to overcome this stuff. Morale is high, I'm in high spirits, but confidence is really low. A curious combination.

Edit: The "task" is studying for the exam, just in case you forgot. Yes, I'm talking to you, Myself.

Edit 2: I asked the other day 

what would be a good backup plan for relaxing?

and now I just found this while looking for background studying music (helps me a lot). Now I feel a bit silly because my question was answered almost immediately before being asked. Meh, not goin to complain. Thanks Cam, you're the man.

Edited by Hitaru

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I always have two main options when posting: doing a long, painful, introspective post which usually leads to little, or a brief one, saying the same thing in a non-committal way. I'll go for the second. 

(Fun fact, I keep 2000+ thousand words (and counting) of discarded journal material. It wouldn't feel 100% complete if I just erased it. But posting everything would be nothing less than outright spam). Now back to this post.

I thought I was literally dying this week. Long story short, I have a sharp pain in the left side of the chest and it doesn't go away. It's still here as I write, but doctors say I'm technically fine and kicking. It could be anxiety, it could be something unknown by modern medicine (and comically deadly). It could be nothing at all. If you ask me, I've been having dreams and premonitions of dying at 21 since I was 4, so I have my preferent answer. For the sake of desperately trying to get me moving I've decided to humor that option. I like to make choices between equal options, but my "visions" have always been right thus far; it's not a fair contest. Sure, I'm crazy. How many of your premonitions have been true you say? I thought so. Still no lottery numbers. Might as well happen but I won't cross my fingers. 

- It could be a "mesoamerican" style of predicted death. You know, the end of a period and the beggining of another. Then I would have prophesized Game Quitters amongst other happenings, and that would be creepy. And awesome. And way safer for my person.

- Or I could really kick the bucket, during, or after this summer. There's no sign of imminent death, and I know "it" will hit me like thunder, a quick illness and bye, since I didn't see a long period of decline. So this leaves me with the question: 

 

"What if I had, at much, three months to live?"

 

You can take it as a morbid joke, yet another replica of the staple exercise of couch philosophers, a weird self-imposed trial by ordeal or proof that being a little too aware of my mortality for too long has finally made me go full cuckoo. Or scream "Deus Vult!" with me. "God" is a blanket term, you can choose whatever higher power of your liking. I'm positive it'd be the funniest option. 

Well if I am right, yet again, and I AM about to die, the prospects are not very promising. Would I be doing what I've been doing lately? Certainly not. But I'm not sure of an alternative. The good thing is summer is coming, and the Universe seems to conspire during summer to make strange things happen. You sure have your own examples in your lives. That leads me, inevitably to...

7 days and a half until exam. My chances are, at best, grim. I spend all my energy triying to convince myself not to hide in a corner and cry, ahem, again, so the time I have to actually study is quite short. I'm joking; it's nonexistent. I've been purposely avoiding my friend. I'm so fucking proud of myself as you can see. But, at least on the paper, I'm still going to try the exam. Fucking up is always an option, of course, and must be my favorite since I always go for it. But I'd really appreciate things to go differently, for a change. We all know to who is that directed.

About my streak, I reached 18 days, but this two last nights I've been playing a lewd RPG and sincerely I don't know if it counts. Probably it does. Or, I can keep counting, reach 90 and add another 18 to the count. Hah! And about this little one, I just have to ignore it until further notice, because maybe I got a little too enthusiastic about completing it at 100% rate. You know I play them for the plot (in this case the character development) and I take it as a matter of honor. By the way, I don't know how long it will last, but I've started watching films again. Yay!

 

I HAVE to discover my passion. I can't keep living like this. With games my life was barely bearable. Now it's a nightmare. This is very probably not new at all around here; that brings me a smile, not being alone, and understood (in some aspects at least). I know I sound hollow and depressed most of the time, but on the other hand I believe it's the product of circumstances. I have hope. I know I can be happy, I know the feeling. I just need to secure a steady supply of the stuff.

Edited by Hitaru

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Please; this one is IMPORTANT. PLEASE.

I've done it now. I just wanted to be real with my friend and explain to him the situation, that there was a certain possibility that I would pass all the parts of the exam except Math, and that he would have to wait for me until September. I was expecting him to say "I won't", and personally I also didn't wanted this, I've been there before and it's an awful experience, I don't want that for a friend.

I was about to say I didn't expect his actual reaction but for how much I know him, I'd be lying. He bursted into anger spitting words like, "lazy", "uncaring", "unreliable" and "untrustworthy". Then he proceeded to rant about how his confidence in me was thoroughly shattered by my fondness of not giving a fuck about anything, and how he was expecting me to hold my end of our agreement while I was holed up in my house being all fun and games or something similar instead, that he would never put any kind of trust in me, that I was immature and our friendship only good to hang out without any kind of commitment from now on. This is unacceptable. 

Let me ask you something in all honesty, fellow quitters. When did I lie about my capabilities and weaknesses? I've been saying this since the very first day. "I am depressed". "I am unstable". "I am unreliable". When it was a bad day, I said. When it was a good one, I said. I said at millimeter scale how did I feel in each moment, and how my feelings were helping or hindering me. You KNOW I don't choose bad days, they choose me. If you know this, and I don't know you, how come my best friend for years could be completely oblivious to the facts? He has to be accusing me of something; he can't be that ignorant. It would make him a literal retard. 

Please, tell me the truth. I have to know. Is he right? Am I a slouch? I really do (or avoid to do) things with fickleness because I'm uncaring, indifferent and simply don't give two fucks? Is that me? Is that how people see me? As a liar, a fraud, a slacker, a loser, a victimist, an idiot? When the fuck did this happen!?

And this is it. I am not capable of doing the most simple tasks. I can't aim for any goal. My mind is ill. I am broken. It's been almost six months since I started this journal. Seven since I admitted something was going REALLY WRONG with me. And what did change? NOTHING. Go on, read the previous entries. It's always the same shit! And don't compare, don't be cruel.

I have to stop pretending I'm improving. I'm not. This is not working.

That doesn't mean I will give up. Listen. I am ill. I have to stop trying to play in the league of mentally healthy people. I have to stop trying to play in the league of "normal", career oriented people. But what do I have to do? What can I do? Nobody can help me. I can go to all the doctors and take pills to my heart's content, but at the end of the day only I can help me; and I won't for the simple reason that I hate myself. This, this is where I really want me, desperate, alone, slandered, humiliated and defeated. Very well, here I am! Now what!? Locking myself away at an institution? If I'm going to try to do things, I'm going to fail lots of times, and disappoint a lot of people on a regular basis in the process. And then, this is the feedback I get, from my most loved ones? This is how others think of me? That I don't do what I'm supposed to just because "I want to/I don't want to" That I work on whims and fancies? Can't you understand just how alien the concept of "wanting" sounds to me? And now you will say I'm justifying myself to avoid the responsibility? Why the fuck would I want or need justify or excuse anything to you, or to anyone? Is there a precedent? I've been only telling the truth and the truth, and this is my truth! Harsh, awful, foul-tasting! What else could I say? What else could I think? What do you expect from me!? Nothing...? Well that's very inconvenient; I don't expect anything from me, except being a scam and getting hurt. And damn I am doing so well. 

It seems I need someone doing the planning for me, if I think for myself what to do next, I only hear silence (actually an annoying buzzing, like that from hornets). I'm never getting anywhere. What's the point of this journal and my presence here, for instance? My English is terrible and I'm a moron, you must despise me. I would despise me. I can't even stop playing for 90 fucking days. I can't even reach 30. I am disgusting. I'm ugly, most probably lazy, uneducated, an unsightly presence, a pointless waste. I'm garbage dressed in gold. I have to say it, I have to say it because it weighs so much inside, I could scream it. I feel void. I don't even feel angry or sad or emotional while writing this. I'm at the cafeteria, weather's nice. I should be in my room, crying and emotionaly crushed. But that point never fucking arrives. Never fucking arrives. When will I reach the limit of my misery? I made it; I am dead. I don't have to worry anymore about it. Fuck me.

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Sucks that he reacted that way. But I guess is sometimes hard to handle if someone is in many ways different. I guess he measured you with his own scale. I found out the hard way that doesn't work, but it is an common bias many people have(i.e. If I see the flaw the other person has to see the flaw too). Sometimes if you are angry or disappointed, you don't think and react in a very stupid way.

To your question: I don't think you are liar or a fraud. You seem to be very open with your faults( at least here in the forum). Sometimes you seem melodramatic if I am honest and you seem to have a depression. Not feeling any emotions but being so negative seems like classic depression symptoms. Do you see a therapist?

But you seem to want to improve.  Actually it feels like you did improve in many ways and maybe just can't see it at the moment.

Maybe I am a bad judge of English skills but you write at least as well as many native speakers from my point of view.

Hang in there man I would miss reading your entry's if you give up.

Edited by WorkInProgress

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Regardless of anything else, I'm super impressed with your ability to persevere and keep getting back up after you fall. You have way more courage than you think.

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Regardless of anything else, I'm super impressed with your ability to persevere and keep getting back up after you fall. You have way more courage than you think.

^ I've just read your whole journal start to finish and think this, but I've run out of likes for the day. Keep getting up and you'll never fail Hitaru ^ 

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Your self talk seems to be pretty terrible; I don't think you can ever win by constantly bashing yourself like this. You may want to have a look at Mike Cernovich's Gorilla Mindset: http://www.dangerandplay.com/2015/06/25/how-to-control-your-thoughts-and-emotions/

(It can also be obtained through alternative means if you're low on cash.)

The first part of the book is all about mindset, and his approach is very straightforward and result oriented, which is often not the case with self help.

(Cernovich is light years away from a hero some people make him to be, but the book is very good.)

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(Cernovich is light years away from a hero some people make him to be, but the book is very good.)

Haha. I always have to add a big asterisk anytime I recommend him. *VERY CONTROVERSIAL*

:D people are so sensitive these days 

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Mike's Twitter account is controversial, so is his website.  If you don't mind a bit of controversy, there's tons of useful information on DangerAndPlay.  And if you look hard enough you can even learn a lot from his Twitter account.

Gorilla Mindset is a legitimately good book.  It has the similar concepts to Think and Get Rich by Napoleon Hill, only much shorter and much easier to read.  Even if you hate the rest of Mike's work I'd recommend reading his book.  Gorilla Mindset has a masculine tone but I don't remember anything in it that could be considered offensive.  Though to be honest, I'm not easily offended.

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Feeling better now. Thank you so much for being there guys, thank you thank you thank you. Even @Marchosias showed up; I missed you, crazy! I want to answer and ask and comment some things with all of you, but first I'm going to report. I also noticed I forgot hitting our most dear red button on some of your comments thorough my journal, and I'm going to double check. Gratitude won't be neglected on my watch. 

This time I'm using the sandwich approach. First something good, then something not so good, then something good so the overall balance is positive (because it is). Here goes! 

-------------------------------------------------------------

- Day 23

From now on, every day is a new record. Insert enthusiasm!

I decided  my lewd RPGs and narrative games *cough* are not detox-breaking. If I add every thing I can use to procrastinate to the hard-limits list, I would never get past day one. What I'm going to do is begin with a detox of my most harmful habit, single player games. After or during that I can detox from or reconsider other aspects of my life: sleep/idle hours, TV consumption, mindless browsing and so on. I can check several things at the same time, I'm not going to spend 90 days not playing but mindless browsing, then not mindless browsing but watching TV, that would be silly, so I try to keep everything reasonable all the time. But the main focus is single player games. 

And to be honest, I'm having great improvements in that field. 

Here's some data:

Source: Steam Account - Gauge

INTRODUCTION POST: 30/11/2015
FIRST JOURNAL ENTRY: 07/12/2015

 

Crusader Kings 2: 
1124 hours since 3/12/2014
Not played since 11/11/2015

Napoleon TW: 
302 hours (Steam only) since 05/03/2015
Not played since 30/09/2015

Silent Hunter 3:
228 hours (Steam only) - estimated: ~1xxx (see below)
Not played since Summer 2015

XCOM: Enemy Unknown
217 hours since 19/10/2014
Not played since 05/05/2016

Reccetear: 
I-it's not a g...! Ok, it is. 178 hours since 2010
Not played since 08/10/2015

Europa Universalis 4: 
160 hours since 02/10/2015
Not played since 06/12/2015

Medieval 2 TW:
117 hours (Steam only) since 24/09/2015
Not played since 10/11/2015

Tropico 4: 
66 hours since Summer 2015
Not played since 13/04/2016

Spore: 
47 hours since 30/11/2015
Not played since 15/12/2015

(Bonus) Minecraft: 
~1000 hours since 20XX. 
Dropped on 2014
Not played since 05/2016 

-> Other Paradox Games:
EU3: 55 hours since 19/06/2015. Not played since 19/09/2015
HOI3: 26 hours. Not tried to make it work since 20/02/2016

-> Other TW Games:
Shogun 2: 73 hours since 30/03/2016. Not played since Summer 2015
Rome TW: Not listed (see below). Not played since 2015

-> Honorable mentions:
Stellaris: 0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds
XCOM 2: 0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds
HOI4 soon to be added to this list

-> Mom's Money invested: 
PC games: ~500 USD
Other platforms: ~500 USD
Hardware and appliances (the difference in pricing between functional computers and a gaming-able computers): 

~?000 USD 

 

- BALANCE OF HOURS PLAYED IN 2015: ~3200*

*For refence, a year of 365 days has 8760 hours

- BALANCE OF HOURS PLAYED IN 2016 (01/06/2016): <100*

*Probably around 50


Some thoughts:

- Making this list was a trigger and I'm craving, but it's under control. 

- SPECIALLY since I just realized while checking the dates that I haven't played most of the big shots since BEFORE beginning the journal. I wasn't aware of this fact and fills me with unmeasurable joy. Why was I complaining so much then? I'm doing pretty great given the circumstances. I guess all the free time made me grumpy. Or I have bipolar disorder.

- Check the time lapse of EUIV. I was just starting to play the game when I arrived to Game Quitters. My $/hour ratio of EUIV is 0.42. This is mainly used to measure the level of "amortization" of games and avoid hysteric purchasing (aka a normal day in Steam). The lower the ratio, the better the investment, since you spent a lot of time playing the game, and, in theory, enjoying it. To compare, my $/hour ratio of CK2 (of the same franchise, similar pricing and mechanics) is 0.05; 8.4 times lower. And considering other things such as personal preference and game immersion, I can safely say finding Game Quitters has saved more than 2500 hours of my life, which can be invested in something REALLY BIG. To give you a figure, a full Job Training in Spain takes 2000-2500 hours, and a college degree has 4000-5000 lecture hours. I call that a SUCCESS. I was preparing some popcorns while writing this (perhaps to celebrate?) and my 10 year old microwave behaved for once and didn't burned them. Today a good day. B|

- The exact time I spent with Rome, Medieval and Napoleon TW (and SH3) can't be measured. Thousands of hours. To be able to not touch any of them for more than 6 months is just... wow. Tear-in-cheek astounding.

- I've been alive for 190.45X hours. Let's say 12000 were spent playing. And twice were spent watching porn and mindlessly browsing. And I remember that to be MOST of my life so where the hell is the rest of the time...? It feels as if I was evicted from my own life. Uh-oh, I said a no-no word.

- Beyond stop playing old games, which is correcting a mistake*, not playing new games feels like a great achievement; it's avoiding a mistake. That's the reason for the Honorable Mentions. I can't wait to keep and keep adding new never played (and specially never purchased) games to the list. 

*Playing games is not a mistake. Playing games like I did is.

- The amount of money invested is not so big considering my +15 year long gaming career, since I was mostly playing the same two or three games all the time, but was on the rise in the latter times so I'm happy the expending came to an end. My mother surely is.

- Lastly, assuming I don't play a single minute until December 31,

I have reduced my game consumption by an incredible 98% this 2016. 

Shit man, that's progress and not a quinquennial plan. It's rad, it's awesome, it's cool as fuck man. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now something not so good:

"Momentum May? More like Faceplant May, dude!"

It was a disaster. Seriously guys. No sugar-coating

So I made a commitment and failed it. My best mate basically told me to go fuck myself. Yesterday I made a fool in the eyes of my drawing teacher (regardless of her already terrible opinion of me). I made no new friends, discovered no new activities, recovered no old ones, messed my sleep schedules thrice, didn't quit porn, didn't finish translating Respawn and my lifestyle is still shit. This is truth; no drama. 

Well, without the drama (it must've given me some quarter for the sake of writing this post; huzzah!) I gotta admit there's a lot to do but it can be achieved with a positive attitude and a plan. So here comes another good thing. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What comes next?"

Ugh, is this a good thing actually? Is my less favorite part.

Okay, I won't pussy out. I'll use the same mechanic.

Things I like: Short and fundamental to maintain focus
Acting*
Writing

*and derived activities, like public speaking

Things I do ok:
Acting
Writing

Things I never tire of doing:
Acting
Writing*

*I grow tired and bored of writing, but only for the day; building habit I could be a very steady and happy writer. While it's with acting where I display unnatural energy, writing deserves to be in the list.

Things I can do that give money:
...

Aha! There's a commonality. The Element, you remember?

WHY THE FUCK I'M NOT ACTING (Erm, being an actor) THEN!?

Because I don't want to be a hobo. Go on, hit me.

For whatever reason (family values, culture, education, social viewpoint, preconceptions...) I'm terrified of jumping head-first into acting. Acting is something reserved for the lazy, for those who don't want to do a proper job. It's widely despised, ridiculed and frowned upon in Spain. Of course if I was British the situation would be the complete opposite. Damn british. Give back the nice things. And many aspiring actors and actresses are so full of shit, I didn't (and DON'T) want to be identified with them. But for the sake of my future I'm going to do a most un-spaniard thing: ignore premises and the past, and focus on solutions and the now. Wow I'm terrified, no joke. Ok, solutions...

Do you think I will ever be able to do something besides what I really want to do but I'm terrified to try seriously? I think... I won't. I've tried and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed, sigh. I had to have some titulation in some bullshit, or so I thought, so I would be worthy of respect and not starve if acting didn't work out, or bump into a professional dry spell (actor's worst and very real nightmare). But I can't. No matter how easy. And acting on a profesional level seems so distant, so unreachable... I don't want to be a full-time actor. Or rather, I don't want acting to interfere with other interests and goals in my life, because when I was studying I was urged to devote 24/7 to my craft. But that was my case mainly because my fitness was awful... and acting can be approached in more ways. 

But why should go that way? Why should I be neglected or things turn out ugly? That's just my mother doing the thinking for me. I've been anticipating way too much? Shouldn't I just follow my dream and rush a contingency plan if things do really go badly, instead of using caution as a tool for self-harm? I've been being an idiot! Why any of you told me?

 

Wait. You did...?

...

I've been trying to study something I don't like to be able to work in something I don't really care to avoid working to much in something I love. This might be logical. While at the same time I was assuming I wouldn't be allowed to work that much in the aforementioned loved field to justify investing time in something unfulfilling. This is plain dumb. If there's not so much work as actor to begin with, I should invest ALL my energy in making it happen, and if a dry spell arrives, spend most of the time trying to find the next role instead of settling for a bill-paying job.

Jesus! I've. Been. An Idiot!

Ok. Ok. So the logical thing would be to start working towards my acting dream while I'm still safe and secure under my mother's wings. Introducing terror again. It's NOT a joke. I am terrified of taking action. 

Assuming I learn to take care of myself
Assuming a steady flow of money
Assuming I have the determination to go through

I want to devote this summer to fix my most important weaknesses:

- Provide healthy and constant nutrition, and acceptable personal image and hygiene to myself
- Get fit. This one thousand times. GET FUCKING FIT. I don't need to lift trucks with my penis. But come on, this Sunday a 8 year old girl beat me opening a bottle of water. Obviously the humiliating part is not the difference in gender but the difference in age. Gym, sports, whatever.
- Improving acting skills and self confidence.
- Find stress-relieving activities
- Build habits
- Get rid of bad habits

That should be enough; I'm putting it together in a block "named" SECURING AN IDENTITY.

After that, I should be more than ready to begin Phase 2: SECURING A FUTURE. Having a job, making some bucks, being independent or semi-independent. 

And finally, Phase 3: PROJECTING. Or something like that. Being social and helpful and all the gig. Success is fun, but I also have a philanthropist side! Oh, and dating. I almost forgot. 

Onwards with Phase 1. I'm going to... no, no, I'm thinking about it right now instead of later.

 

Goals in Phase 1 can be divided in three segments of increasing difficulty and complexity: Body, Mind and Skills. 

And, curiously, I also have three months. In month one I should have ready all my Body goals. I mean by day 30 I should have started living healthy. I'm going to take it as if I had nothing else to do with my life. Just eat well, sleep well and exercise (well). Keeping it simple. That's going to be the foundation to support harder stuff. 

So instead of doing thousands of plans, I'm going to stop here and focus on these 3 simple things for the next week. Eating, resting and being active. Learning to be animal before being human. It fills me with no amount of shame having to start from the lowest point, but that's how it is. Before feeling indignant I should focus on getting over it asap. I have the feeling I should say something more, but after being writing for the whole day it's probably a normal feeling. I'll just leave this here and see how it looks. Then get some rest; doing plans is tiring. See you!

Edited by Hitaru

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(Cernovich is light years away from a hero some people make him to be, but the book is very good.)

Haha. I always have to add a big asterisk anytime I recommend him. *VERY CONTROVERSIAL*

:D people are so sensitive these days 

I mostly mean things like shitting out articles without giving them a second read, which results in stupid spelling/grammar mistakes, deleting Tweets when he loses a debate, basing his blog and book on being strong, independent, and masculine while taking huge alimony from his ex wife, hanging out with people like Victor Pride, who's basically a drug dealer (Modafinil is very habit forming). Probably more.

Still a great blog, awesome book (now that initial shit editing has been sorted out), and definitely an interesting person with some great insights.

(I don't think Mike's view are terribly controversial at all. He's basically a libertarian who doesn't sugar coat.)

 

Edited by Marchosias

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Hey Hitaru,

good to see that you are moving forward again. For your body goals I would advice do start with yoga. Just search youtube for beginner yoga videos. Pick something you lik the range there is pretty wide.From spiritual, to flow yoga, to fitness oriented yoga everything is free to train. I checked this out for my wife and found some nice videos for myself. It actually feels that good, that I think of stop running and do more yoga instead. It gives you much needed flexibility and builts some muscles without having a focus it. It is also easily possible to do it every day for (10-60min). What ever floats your boat.

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(Cernovich is light years away from a hero some people make him to be, but the book is very good.)

Haha. I always have to add a big asterisk anytime I recommend him. *VERY CONTROVERSIAL*

:D people are so sensitive these days 

I mostly mean things like shitting out articles without giving them a second read, which results in stupid spelling/grammar mistakes, deleting Tweets when he loses a debate, basing his blog and book on being strong, independent, and masculine while taking huge alimony from his ex wife, hanging out with people like Victor Pride, who's basically a drug dealer (Modafinil is very habit forming). Probably more.

Still a great blog, awesome book (now that initial shit editing has been sorted out), and definitely an interesting person with some great insights.

(I don't think Mike's view are terribly controversial at all. He's basically a libertarian who doesn't sugar coat.)

Yes. I guess I was thinking about it more from the place of people can't just disagree nowadays and/or take things with a grain of salt. Everyone needs a chill pill imo. even me. :D

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@WorkInProgress I started looking in youtube and only found weird videos. I'll do a second search (and a third) and ask some friends. Improving my flexibility is urgent, you can't begin to imagine.

@Marchosias  @Ed I'm not afraid of a little old fashioned testosterone, I'm checking it out, thanks! ;)

Also chill pills for everyone, @Cam Adair, gimme twenty packs of those ¬¬ 

chillpills.thumb.jpg.f690ffbf2ea32e5bca0

"Can you imagine a world without political correctness?" (Actually isn't this joke repeated...?)

 

Thank you @Cam Adair, @WorkInProgress@Marchosias, @Ed, @hycniejsy, @Jeremias, @kortheo, @Sashiku, @Merdoc_Rowboat and the currently absent but still totally awesome @Tom and @wookieshark88; for all your support, recomendations, cheers, presence and PATIENCE. And to the invisible ones who ever took a minute, two, or a hundred to read any of my stuff, you rock too guys. I hope I'm not missing anyone. It took a lot of tries but soon a month people!

Today I got up early, checked on things to do but I'm a bit stuck, I think I'm going for a walk to clear the mind. Getting away from the internet connection feels stressing. I want to translate a lot now that I feel more liberated but the workload is tremendous and I feel guilty for leaving it behind for even a second. But on the other hand I'm perfectly aware that 1. I'm not a one man army and 2. Spending a lot of time sitting in front of the computer does not ensure better and faster results. So I'm doing my best to chill and take it easy.

To-do list:

1. Being able to buy things through Internet (that is, getting a card)

2. Buy some summer clothes (URGENT)

3. Take a walk

4. Check on stuff (I'll tell when it's done to avoid procrastination)

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KueY9NhKL0M 

more intemediate routine bu hey it is actual a guy who does yoga!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBu-pQG6sTY

I find her strangely sympathetic but she could start telling top of the head instead of crown(-chacra). More of a beginner routine and it is a series which will increase in difficulty.

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- Quick update:

I had consecutives fights with consecutive friends for increasingly stupid reasons. It reached a breaking point and I said "fuck everything"; I holed up at home and played. I couldn't cope with the stacked recent failures at every single field of my life. After an incredible lucky or maybe even skilled run of EUIV in which I got to beat both Britain and France (shoulda bought some lottery) I reluctantly decided it was enough and now I'm back on track. Haven't played since Monday 19:00 hours. I'm upset about it, but not in a melodramatic way, which is a HUGE improvement in my opinion. I accept my moment of weakness and I'm ready to move on without further ado or defeatism. Seriously, such smoothness is... really cool. So my new highscore is 29 days, and will be surpassed on July 13. Still too little, ****.

Well, actually life itself decided for me. A highly enthusiastic and social friend (and somewhat mentor figure) introduced me to the acting scene of our town before I could object. Actors, directors, troupes, you name it. The damn guy perhaps knows God himself, it wouldn't be a shock. It can serve as a foundation of higher achievements, if exploited to the fullest. I have my reservations, but I'm not one to shy away from something already started (I shy away before starting ¬¬) I'm also getting used to going for walks, and feel the 30-ish Celsius summer sun in my face. I'm having less progress at eating better, that's a huge and difficult topic for me and I'm not surprised. However, if I move more I'll get more tired and start eating more and more varied, I suppose, so things are still according to plan. Very slowly. But on the move.

A new, trusty sidekick joined my adventure towards making my life at least tolerable. He's smart, valiant, polite, affectionate and four-legged. A little kitten named "Flan". The poor guy misses his 9 brothers and two mothers and is restless as a newborn baby, but leaving that aside he's lovely. And a lot of work to take care, which is good news. Everyone was surprised at the name, they expected me to name the cat in a grandiose, melodramatic fashion. Is that the name I'm making for myself...?  Sigh.

Honestly speaking, I'm terrified about the future and I don't expect anything in particular. I feel cowardice ingrained within my mere self and I'm not exactly optimist. On the other hand I don't feel sad and I remember perfectly my intention of not wasting this summer. I foresee I'll be more productive and entertained than previous years, but I fear it will be done half-assedly.

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Better half-heartedly then not all. Even if your life progress doesn't look so different, your attitude has improves a ton. This will pay out in a long run.

Also: welcome to the the cat owner club. Prepare for dead mice and birds in your bed ;)

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:D You're welcome but its seriously no big deal. 

 

I understand how it is to fight with friends. I recently went through something similar so I can empathize. We're here for you, even if some others may not be. *hugs*

Also, I agree. Better little improvement than none at all. Keep it up. <3

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Better half-heartedly then not all. Even if your life progress doesn't look so different, your attitude has improves a ton. This will pay out in a long run.

 

Also, I agree. Better little improvement than none at all. Keep it up. <3

Yeah, I'm aware of it, my attitude has been slowly but surely improving. I have a melancholic approach to life and that very probably is a factory setting. But many prominent people had this temperament and they made most of their life through great effort, so technically it's possible. A pain in the ass, sure. But in all honesty, I'm learning to be ok with my life. With being me and being in this world, I mean.

Hugs galore, @Sashiku and company! :D

@Marchosias I lost it there. Aside I found that anime really funny, you can't begin to guess how accurate that pic is in a certain sense. So much it's creepy. And hilarious.

 

1. Want stop using the computer? Have a cat. (It won't let you use it. It won't. Never.)

2. Want to go to sleep and wake up early? Have a cat. (You will adapt to it's life cycle or live hell)

3. Want to be cleaner and develop peripheral vision? Have a cat. (You'll be always on watch for dirt and sudden moves, could save your life some day. Or a marriage.)

4. Trouble having friends? Have a cat. (You'll always have a conversation topic, even if it's "Why don't you like them?")

Seriously @Cam Adair, do a video about this or something. I simply have not the chance of playing since the little guy arrived. Hell, I don't even know how I'm writing this because of 1. xD

The process goes like this. I open the computer. Cat comes and tries to mess with the keyboard and nibble the cables. I put him aside with increasing annoyance, until I'm a bit rude with him (it). Then I feel guilty and put computer aside. Also taking care constantly is distressing and he also needs his own space so I go and take a walk which is good for me. And for gods sake, I'm not having children anytime soon, Ironic how a cat has truly convinced me to always bring a rubber for my pew-pew. Not that taking out my pew-pew is happening anytime soon. Or not soon.

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@Marchosias I lost it there. Aside I found that anime really funny, you can't begin to guess how accurate that pic is in a certain sense. So much it's creepy. And hilarious.

I may have an idea.

Edited by Marchosias

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