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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Seems to me that you're doing well. And I agree with what The pharmacist said. "It's not a wasted day if you keep away from gaming. One day at a time is a great deal!" :) Keep it up. <3

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It's not wasted day if you'll keep away from games. Just one day at the time is a great deal!

Even if you have a game developer friend, you can get more friends to find other, non-game related activities!

Seems to me that you're doing well. And I agree with what The pharmacist said. "It's not a wasted day if you keep away from gaming. One day at a time is a great deal!" :) Keep it up. <3

It was wasted then, since a gamed a tiiiiny bit :$ Naaah not so wasted. Just a bit wasted. @hycniejsy actually that's the best idea. Even if this friend is a lifesaver, I have to expand my network and be open to new activities and perspectives. Being too caught up in just one or a few is never positive. And yes, that means new people. 

DAY 90.

As you can see I'm a bit sleepless, I hope writing a bit will help. 

In these 90 days I have not quit videogames. I have not seized a future. I have not made new friends. I have not begun a healthy lifestyle. Those are current facts and I have to be real about them. But strangely, I'm not too worried about it. Not so worried as I expected to be a year ago when I quit theatre, for instance. The last three months don't feel like a failure, and I know failure pretty well so I can tell the difference, heh.

On Thursday, and today as well, I've been basically confined in my room. Not completely, my friend's been coming and going, yesterday morning and today's evening. Yesterday morning we worked a bit and then played Minecraft together, since we couldn't on wednesday. You may find this counterproductive. I've already shared my experience with multiplayer and made clear that at first I don't have any problem or show compulsive behaviour, unlike with singleplayer gaming. But (I'll be honest here) it could serve and very very probably serves as a trigger so it may be really smart to just avoid it and not tempt fate. We had planed go full work in the evening but I bailed. I could draw and translate a bit at home, but still I'm angry at myself. I didn't sleep the previous night, playing and browsing the internet, so I was convinced there was no way I could be productive. When actually I was almost perfectly awake the whole day. And night. It was my conviction of being unable to do it what prevented me from doing it. It sounds cliché, but it is all in the mind.

Today I was still avoidant and I wasn't answering phone calls, so he dropped by to check on me. He was sorry for intruding but I was very thankful. We had a nice dinner outside and made plans for the next month. And that's what I wanted to share with you:

The other day I made a phone call asking for guidance in job trainings. There are two levels of job training, let's call them 1 and 2. 

Level 1 consist mostly of manual, menial, precarious crafts. At least from a conservative, wage slave approach; a manual job can actually be shaped into a very rewarding (and high-payed) way of life, but it seems that's not my calling. With my current level of schooling, I can access them anytime. I was referring to this level when I first mentioned job training. 

Level 2 are specialist trainings, things that actually allow you to have a decent existence, instead an almost destitute subsistence relying on welfare and/or part-time delinquency (which in my honest opinion is the system's fault. Being a fisherman, farmer or factory worker is a honest and hardworking profession, not "the outcome of not wanting to study". Usually.). They require high-school schooling.

Or passing a test. Explaying the admission process is a headache even in my language. Basically I have to pass the test with the best score possible. Ideally that should be all. What you need to know is, I have to "declare" what and where I want to study. I can choose a second option but I'm only allowed to aim for it if my score is not enough for the first one. I'll give you the practical situation:

- My friend and I want to live in Seville next year. Therefore I declare I want to study in Seville as first option, anticipating we will both pass our respective tests. Let's assume my friend doesn't and I do. I can't declare the second option to be my hometown and choose that instead considering the eventuality. I have to take the first and move along without him or leave it, and do nothing this year. Nothing official at least. 

Again, all or nothing. By the way, my job training is Management and Finances, or something like that. Job trainings tend to have very fancy and deceitful names (can you guess what an Applied Technician in Personal Aesthetics is? Two hints: it's not exactly a prestigious job and the answer is not hairdresser). I'll be taught practical economics, business management, commerce, some computing (both the verb and the noun), cool stuff I'd say. 2000 and a bit hours of my life, seems fair.

We ultimately decided to "burn down the ships" and try do that. Personally, I don't want to think about the future or the potential applications of this path. I've already done that, at the back of my mind. I think this is the best option for an official titulation, instead of other things I emotionally like more (such as actor, sailor, writer, baker, politician, futurologist, beloved leader, professional idler...). And it's not that I dislike this. Quite the opposite. I've been playing management games all my life for a reason. Then why not play one last time making management a way of living instead? That's the logic behind it. And I'm not settling there. I've got much bigger plans and this would be only the first step. The thing is, the magnitude of this plan overwhelms me. That's why I'm choosing to work in autopilot, even if I'm strongly against it. It's a necessary evil for a greater good. I'll play the game "getting the best score in this text" for the next month and think about nothing else, then do the text, pass it and only then think about step two. If I did it now I would never start anything. As usual. Putting a friend on the stake is also a huge incentive. He's counting on me to be his flatmate, and he has a whole future ahead of him. I can't screw up. I won't.

See, this is the only way I can do things. I just need to devise a ridiculous overcomplicated scheme and perform some kind of Batman Gambit on myself to do something really easy (while the rest of people do shit without even realising it for the sake of not being idle).

 

Magnificent. 

Sarcasm_Detector.thumb.png.e474965aa2963

 

...

 

But, I guess this means I've made a final decision about my future in the mid-term.

With a day to spare panicking, even, I'm on fire dude.

 

[Any of Cam's overused gifs goes here. Someone seriously give this guy some new ones xD]

 

I wanted to write some long ass existential litany but it's so damn late early, I should go to bed now if I expect things being done today. Probably that's a terrible phrasing and that's the joke. But you won't escape from the incoming wall of text, oh no you won't. Just gimme a small break. I'll be back.

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Well, I'll give you just once sentence, which works for anybody:

"If you're not able to stay away from video games for 90 days, then you shouldn't play at all."

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unimpressed.gif

You know I love you (and your gifs) :x

"If you're not able to stay away from video games for 90 days, then you shouldn't play at all."

Stop being right. It's obnoxious when you're always right. This month I'll... no. Wait. Step by step. Today I didn't play. Tomorrow I won't play.

----------

I've started with basic Maths and it's hell. Why in the world am I doing this? I don't have probl issues with Economy and Statistics. Geometry is so-so. Algebra is intolerable. Please don't say anything about Algebra or how easy it can become if you simply do whatever. Just no. No. Nnnnnnnno. I just want to get over it ASAP and then forget about it for the most amount of time possible. 

No.

At least I'm here and I haven't played. It could have been easy for me to say "I'll start on May 1st because, well, it's day 1" but no, screw rituals and rationalizations, I begin today. Also, today was little productive, looking for materials, references, exercises... so if I didn't started today, I'd had to spend day 1 doing that. Then start on day 2 already with the left foot. I won't fall for that. Again! It's the second or third time I start doing something on the spot instead of waiting for a "significant date". I really like that. Linguistics seem fine, and I can use them to further help a certain Pole with his studies. English, piece of cake. French, hm, I'll need to give it a good look.

Implied potential applications of French: Cuddles. Heh. Ahem.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I already congratulated her when it was Father's Day instead of the pretender (savage as ****) and ironically, I had planned to have lunch with the actual guy tomorrow. I'm thinking of postponing it. Again. Not only because it's still a bit awkward (very long and personal story) but also because I need time to make a present for my mother. I'm thinking of making her a drawing in a 1st-grader style. So childish I'm positively sure she will hate it - and therefore love it. Or just love it. Or just hate it, and then I'll love it. Always a win.

So much to study, so little time, so little motivation. I don't want to use translations and other projects as a distraction. I guess I'll need to tackle the Math beast head-on. Duh. Annoying.

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Well, José, I'm just giving you the brutal truth right in your face. Just be aware of it.

Then the choice is yours what to do.

Truth is brutal and I like it being so. Thank you for your support, really. :$

 

Momentum May Progress: Day 5

A disaster so far. I've been so disappointed last night I had a dream where @Cam Adair was scolding me for "not taking it seriously". I wish it was me scolding myself in my nightmares so I could feel more in control of my own guilt. Anyway.

I've been ill since Sunday, and my life has stopped abruptly. I've been gaming, masturbating and holed up at home. But to be fair, 75% of the time was spent sleeping and coughing. I can't begin to properly state how frustrated I am. Even more since my sleep schedules have mixed up again.

I shouldn't be so ill. I'm positive it's because my bad eating habits and my lack of exercise. I don't usually get sick but when I do it strikes hard. Also, I've been using the excuse of health to avoid lots of things in the past and now nobody believes me when I say it's the real deal. I'm certain I've lost at least one potential friendship this week because of that. I'm furious. Serves me well. 

I don't know where responsibility ends and self-destructive chastising begins, so I'm not sure how much pissed off I should be. 

I feel more and more isolated. Maintaining the most basic friendships requires tremendous effort. I guess it will get easier in the summer when everybody is eager to hang out and it's not me doing all the work, but you can never tell. Last summer wasn't very social. I fear I have to be somebody soon, someone interesting and inspiring, or I won't be able to have a normal social life. I'm in dire need of topics. Being just me is not enough.

To cheer things up a bit, I had two small victories. Even if I sometimes play, I haven't installed my most addictive games and have not spent a single euro in games since I arrived here. That's huge. And I discovered a new hairstyle that looks good on me (my satisfaction with my looks was my worst area lately). It may sound inconsequential, but it's something. "Better than a rock", a friend would say. So I'm grateful for that. Grateful is good business.

I'm sorry I can't update new progresses, I'll bring better news next time.

Edited by Hitaru

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I'm not fully recovered yet, but at least I'm back to working shape. I somewhat fixed sleeping schedules and I'm ready to start this week  or am I not?

The Void struck me full-strength the past week. It still lingers now. I feel awful and defeated. No, not defeated, but a defeatist. Mediocre. I feel my mere existence is having a negative impact for everyone around me. I've been not playing since... thursday, I think, but since I can't fully recall and I want to keep the score evenly with nofap, I'll arbitrarily set the start of the new count at monday, 09/05/2016, 10:00 hours. Which is today and some time after I finish this post. [It's 10:00 and I haven't finished, sigh]

So many things to do. I've said this a million times already. I just can't cope. I could buy and be playing a newly released game I won't even mention, and I would be so damned [happy] content. It's useless. There's no Happy Ending but only a single Dead End, no matter what you do or do not. I can't choose. I'm trapped. No one can help me. No one will save me. It's pointless. The walls are closing in. I'm afraid.

I can do it if I just do it, it will work out. But why should I even try? I just know it, like when I was studying for the Theatre Access test and everything was against me. But I don't see the point. 

[I was about to share why I am so certain of things, but I can't. It's my trump card in life, I can't just spit it out. I'm really sorry, I'm itching to tell but I can't. Not yet. Only when everything has passed. You won't believe it and call it a fraud, a delusion or made up tale, but what else can I do?]

I've arrived to the conclusion my life won't be spent looking for abstract happiness, as most people. Instead, it will be about avoiding certain unhappiness and frustration. So the best choice will always be the one that makes me less unhappy. Between studying and gaming, gaming would make me more unhappy in the long run, so study will do. And like that, apply to everything. But it's so tiring, boring and pointless. 

This mindset will ensure success, if it wasn't already.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

But I'm afraid taking the first action will spiral things down. That's foolish, things are always moving even if I don't take action, it's the confort zone. No, it's the shock of panic of being constantly aware of my own temporality. I have to face it, since I can't run away. Reluctantly. I wish I could do something to grease those brakes and minimize that reluctance. 

If I do it, that's all. It's my victory. I do and enjoy things despite being futile. And I win. I win until I die. I win because I learn to having lost. That's my handicap. An insurmountable wall of reluctance. 

I know what must be done. I have to truly embrace myself. I know who I am, I just don't like it. I was taught to dislike a huge part of me. My family, my friends, my teachers. They taught me to repress myself, and I obliged perfectly. They told me I would end up alone if I displayed many aspects of my personality, and ultimately, act like myself. And ironically, I've been alone when I wasn't myself. Inwardly or outwardly. But I'm afraid. I know where things will end if I choose being myself. 

No, what I really fear is being aware of the end of things; there's nothing scary in being myself. When you are mediocre, when all the days are the same, you don't really feel a beginning or and end. That was me for the past 6 years, at least. But there is and end. There obviously is. It's blurred, but it is. That must be why I fear action more than inaction. That's slowly changing, thank goodness. Veeery slowly. But surely.

Then the solution is to escape forward. Escape from this fog. There's nothing to do, but I must face it. I want to face it, for amusement and glory. I simply can't cope with the fact everything will end. That's the most disheartening feeling I've ever known. It's stronger than anything else. It's pure hopelessness in a complete different level. It soaks you. The fact that you won't get rid of it and the fact it will grow stronger each passing day, hour, second. Why should I fight against it? To be praised? To be useful? Probably to be happy. But I can't integrate being happy into the list of worthy motives, no matter how much I try. I feel broken. Unable to feel "positive egoism". 

I feel there's been a progress, though. A very small progress. I've been keeping alive a tiny little flame, with great effort. I'm surrounded by methane, so I just need a bit more to make it burst. Just a bit more, come on. It's strange. When I think in the inherent melancholy of an already decided lost fight, I can't help but smile. There's something beautiful and funny about clinging stubbornly to the edge of the cliff.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

My current emotions are conflicting, contradictory and overlapping, so I admit I'm a very unreliable quitter right now. I sincerely apologize. I don't know what I should do next. I have my objective for this month but I don't want things to be messy. I don't want to just pass the test in the last minute and throw myself into uncertainty and a project I don't fully believe in. That's not the way I want to do things anymore. That's not my way. I must excuse myself. Not feeling well right now. 

 

[UPDATE: 19:00]

Survived drawing lessons. Now I'm going to take things easy for a bit before passing out and begin tomorrow with the correct sleep schedule. I think it's time for some gratitude.

- Gratitude journal:

1. Made some cool drawings, I recognize myself for being practicing more or less steadily.

2. Rain. I wish it could rain every day. Or many days at least.

3. My friends.

3.1. Mustering the courage to recover another old friendship. Friendships recovered: 3

4. Awful back pain receding.

5. Having a knack for western languages, French progressing well.

6. My mother.

7. Game Quitters.

8. Never having an incapacitating or life-threatening illness. There was one time as a kid but that could happen to anyone.

9. Being alive, despite what it might look like.

And lastly, I'm grateful for tomorrow. It sounds cheesy, but whatever.

 

Edited by Hitaru

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Momentum May Progress: day 11

- Officially, 49 hours. Unofficially, I lost count. 


[It helps that Steam is asking me for my pass instead of login in automatically, and I'm so damn lazy I prefer to close it instead of copypasting it again. Hah, you didn't expect that, videogames!]

This is the good one. I can feel it. The cravings are shattering. I think it's my body saying "Whoa man, this shit is serious now". You know, when you are your worst enemy, and you're so damned skilled, it's very difficult to feel threatened by anyone else. I guess that will be a huge advantage if I ever beat (or keep at bay) myself. I feel surviving myself every day so challenging, getting a promotion at a job or winning a contest or making history or anything in-between would be piece of cake in comparison. I'm not sure if I should hope for that assumption to be right or be wrong.

Yesterday I applied for the exam I told about earlier, so there's no turning back now! I had to go to Seville, to the school of my choosing, the same I will be applying to enter in September. Cool place, gotta admit. High-schoolers are mixed with trainees so I didn't feel too much out of place. There was no internet during the 3 hours of train, so I translated instead of watching through the window and I feel so proud for it. It's those idle hours here and there which make the difference. Specially when there's no internet holy smokes. 

I did what I had wanted to do, then I had a bountiful lunch (and a bountiful breakfast too, quite rare in me). The food was delicious, some of the finest dishes of southern Spain's cuisine, but I felt ill and nauseous during the whole time. And before that. And after that. And today as well. I'm going to tough it out, just for the sake of not feeling like a whiny ass fuckboy. Maybe that was way too rude. But I'm rude as a sailor with myself. Yes, I should love me and the stuff, but... I'm trying, ok?

My friend was busy at campus today, so I'm at our usual spot by myself. A cafeteria, with internet connection and sea views. Gorgeous. I feel quite proud as well for being here alone, but it's too early for celebrations. For today, start my studying routine in the morning, going to a rehearsal in the afternoon (We're repeating with the theatre play, this Friday). The other day I made a colleague feel disappointed with me and I want to make up for it making some helpful stuff for him, but I can't find the time. Today I'm busy with theatre stuff but tomorrow evening could be a perfect time for getting it done. If it's done earlier it would mean I've been slacking with my own studies, hahah.

I'm feeling positive so I won't make any commentary on it. I don't wanna jinx it. Time to work!

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Hey Hitaru! Jumping in to read your latest entries here. Keep up your streak and get to 90! :D Thinking of yourself as your own worst enemy is a useful thought, I think. Once you overcome your own limitations you realize how far you have come, and that you're just better than you were before.

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Hey Hitaru! Jumping in to read your latest entries here. Keep up your streak and get to 90! :D Thinking of yourself as your own worst enemy is a useful thought, I think. Once you overcome your own limitations you realize how far you have come, and that you're just better than you were before.

Thank you for the "visit"! :D True, I should take it easy and calm, step by step, acknowledging the process. When I have some spare time, I promise to check on you. Been veeery busy lately (not a bad thing though).

Ahhh I want to go to Seville! Can we go to Seville? :)

Don't hype me! It would be awesome to see you. Both you as specifically you, @Cam Adair and you as "you guys". Best time to visit in my opinion is between September and October.This site agrees. In spring there are the most typical events (such as the Feria and the Holy Week) but it tends to rain. If you don't mind it would also be a good time. Absolutely not in Summer, it gets crowded and the heat is unbearable.

-----------------------------------------

Yesterday was very satisfactory (and satisfying!). Studied some math theory, kept up my French streak in Duolingo, went to rehearsal and started my first "proper" anime drawing (anime and manga are two slightly different drawing styles actually) with the help of a video tutorial. I like where my drawing skills are going I gotta say. 

[Wow, Hitaru complimenting himself, what's going on here, somebody bring down this imposter]

My pencil strokes are skittish and unsure, but my hand is steady, so with patience and a bit too many corrections (for now), I can actually make stuff beyond the average starter. At classes I practice realistic drawing (teacher's specialty), and manga/anime at home. My teacher's not a "technique racist" and actually likes both realistic and comic style (western and eastern), but I kind of have a complex with the latter. I was very enthusiastic with anime at my teens, and even if I managed to not embarrass myself (unlike SO. MANY. PEOPLE.), I'm still sensitive to criticism.

I've always thought to be really good at something, specially something art-related, it was almost mandatory to discover it at preadolescence, and have a "passionate-but-shitty phase" before reaching a level where your stuff began to improve steadily. When I took up drawing, I thought I was too late, and still believe it a bit. Perhaps I was late to the party, but if I can tackle it head-on and make up for the "lost" time with determination, I don't think people will notice. Hopefully! Drawing is so subtle.

From RESPAWN:

Resting Activity: [...] an activity that requires a low investment of energy [...] top five choices [...]: drawing.

>drawing

>low investment of energy

>low

[Insert an endless torrent of spanish swearing]

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Often time it is just scary to try something new( or take something old serious) because it threatens your identity. Your skill in a field doesn't make your identity. What matters is what  you do on a regular basis.

Nice to hear you complimenting yourself btw. I am proud of you man!

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Often time it is just scary to try something new( or take something old serious) because it threatens your identity. Your skill in a field doesn't make your identity. What matters is what  you do on a regular basis.

I'm... not sure if I fully understood, I'll give it some more thought.

-------------------

100 hours.

I feel a little sad for the extra hours I didn't play but can't recall and add to the count but hey, ideally they will soon drown under the weight of many many more hours, so whatever. Morale is high, as you can see. 

Yesterday summary, some more Maths, some more French, some more drawing and a pending task. I'd say I've reached a B1 level of reading, but I'm falling behind at writing, so I'll be devoting time exclusively to that the next time I take it. I can't find my Economy Teacher's Notes from when I was in high-school and they were really well made, what a nuisance. They dissapeared as the teacher himself, I remember how he used to imply a bit too loud [than expected from his position] how economy would almost magically fix itself ousting the left ("because markets didn't trust leftists" or some such). Then the right came and the first thing they did was betray all their promises, raise taxes, cut public servant salaries and remove their December extra pay for that year. I don't know if it was the right decision but in any case the morning next to the announcement surely had to be awkward as fuck. Can you imagine the stares? And here in Spain people don't leave it in just a stare, I assure you. I haven't heard a word about him since, and that was some years ago. Maybe I should worry...?

And that, little children, is why you should never publicly say "Never fear, [That dude] will solve everything". Realpolitik is a bitch. Then you add corruption to the mix, and now you just got a bitch with syphilis; congrats. Seriously, how can someone not feel endearment for politics?

For today, give back the KKK robe I borrowed from the church when I helped my friend out at Holy Week, and star the theatre play. I don't think I'll have time for anything else, specially given how long I'm taking to write this. I'm restless, but I can't pinpoint the exact reason.

Something's wrong. Really wrong. Not missing. Not being done incorrectly. Just... wrong. 

I've discarded some typical, recurring options. Let's see:

* Currently, I'm NOT feeling...: * 

(Sorry for the comedic display, I couldn't help it)

- Existential despair (sense of time running out)
- Sensation of imminent death or illness
- Hopelessness
- Mistaken in my professional choices (not too much at least ¬¬)
- Lonely or out of place
- A craving
- Ugly or awkward
- Sad or depressed
- Physically incapacitated or exhausted

Sooo... I'm a bit out of possible explanations. I'm aching and itching for something abstract that thank goodness is not romantic love. I can try workout-ing away but I don't think it's the right answer because I already feel a specific and still unattended desire to get fit somewhere else in my mind. I feel like I should be doing something else. Not now, not in the past, not in the near future, yet at some undefined point. As if this existence, the whole timeline is wrong. Not evilly wrong, just inconveniently wrong. Perhaps I'm aching for a story, but I don't feel skilled enough to write it nor live it. Taking shelter in books and novels feels like a terrible, hurtful solution, and my schedule is already full to take up another activity, but I can't sit idle either. There's something, somewhere, in this plane of existence or other, and I'm looking for it. Nah, forget it, this is bullshit. Or perhaps not. 

OPTIONAL EXTRA NONSENSE BELOW

When I was 4 years old and first aware of myself, I somehow set an absolute boundary at 21. I couldn't imagine myself beyond that, because I knew by then I would be completely certain of my mortal fate and I would have to face it. As if things would only go downwards after that point. It was all fun and games (metaphorically speaking) engrossed in a seemingly endless stream of imposed obligations, but they are over now, and I knew it. I was already aware of it early on... I can't shake the feeling I was so clear-sighted back then and now I'm just making things complicated for self-preservation and mimicry of society. 

That's it. I can't stand time itself. It's flowing. Calmy, steadily flowing. Hours turn to days, then to weeks, months, and soon they'll turn into years. Well, little me was right, I turned 21, my whole world crumbled, the panic event horizon was reached and surpassed and now I live in a state of constant underlying dread. Which, ironically makes me strangely calm about the whole affair. Amusingly so. 

I think I've said this plenty of times already and I don't want to be repetitive, so straight for the conclusions.

I have to pull out this huge ball of absolute despair and psychological horror and shape it into something the rest of the world can recognize. I don't want to make people suffer with me; that would be meaningless. Instead I want you to... witness it. Like a modern sculpture, put in a huge pedestal past and beyond my or your petty individual existence so everyone can observe it and say "Oh". So that must be why I don't have an exact preference to mold it into a physical experience or a work of fiction. But it has to be done and it has to be lasting. Otherwise I won't be able to shake off this awful feeling of incompletion. 

Yes! I want to take this thing and scrub it at your faces. Best purpose ever.

Perhaps I should travel to Asia and learn how to make those sick movies they usually make. Then mix it with some Kubrick and some spanish influences (we don't stay behind with the mental rape, glorious spanish cinema) then create the most heart-breaking, tear-jerking, earth-shaking, überphilosophical, oniric and evocative Magnum Opus mankind has ever seen. That would probably do. But I feel lacking of despair and fiction tropes for a project of such magnitude. And I don't feel awesome enough to live a life that would evoke those same feelings upon reading my biography. Decisions, decisions.

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On 5/13/2016 at 11:25 PM, Cam Adair said:

Maybe I'll host the GQ Europe Event in Seville for us :D

 *Meanwhile in Spain...*

2aMBm.thumb.gif.efbdfc2879889df81f6c600f

DISCLAIMER IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A TRIGGER, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S 

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Theatre play was awesome. Some seventh grade schoolers approached and asked for a photograph with me. My first fans! (aside from my mother's friends but they don't count, they're biased). They said they would totally join the theatre club next year. One of the girls I was acting with also took up acting moved by my first performance, five years ago. I'm feeling senpai as fuck right now!! I mean I feel like an initiator of sorts. Like I do something that inspires and brings happiness to people. It's weird, after all it's just... me. I'm more or less used by now to elders praising me (I still blush tho) but my best impression was from a dearest friend. She's the mother of an underclassmen I had at my primary school. I grew up with them and they're like family, specially her, she's like my second mother, positively the kindest, most lovely person I ever met. She's gravely sick with something I both can't and prefer not to describe, doctors have given her two years before ending in a wheelchair. Moving around is an extremely painful experience for her, yet there she was, watching me goofing around. And beaming. I've spent half an hour trying to express this thing I have inside but I'm not able, I'll leave it to you to guess. We (the actors) went to celebrate after and I felt really social without being the center of attention. I was just there among equals, listening, talking from time to time and chilling. I don't need more. 

Studies are advancing, albeit slower than ideal. The prospect is positive but I have to step it up. My feeling of restlessness is on the rise. I want to scream, to tear my skin to shreds and get out. I haven't stopped feeling sick and nauseous, perhaps I should really see a doctor. Urgently I mean. It's perfectly probable it's just bad lifestyle and stress, but you can never be sure. Knowing me I won't begin to seriously think about going until at least next week. I feel I have so much background anxiety, I could put it together into a pill and kill a horse with it. Or perhaps I should take the horse and ride as far as I possibly could. But there's no pill, and there's no horse. Just a shitload of irrational, misterious anxiety.

I WANT TO READ OTHER JOURNALS SO BAD BUT I DON'T HAVE THE TIME AND Ffff*******. Seriously. I really want. Sometimes I take some quick looks but I can't properly follow anyone's progress. 

I'm feeling really sick now, so I'll leave it here. I'm at campus cafeteria now, studying. It's bursting with people despite being so late, and I do enjoy their passive company. Tomorrow I should study as well, but I'm not sure if I will. Perhaps I should take a rest, go to the beach and relax, it's Sunday man! Or, you know, go to the doctor. 

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Thanks @Cam Adair, I took today as a day-off and I think it's working.

What do you do when you don't even want to do your relaxing activities?

Mine is drawing. I want to begin with culture (books, series, anime and films, in that order of priority according to current level of knowledge) but it makes me feel anxious so I can't consider it a relaxing activity, but a challenge (it will pass I hope). I woke up at 13:00, turned on the computer considering my options with increasing urgency and stumbled upon some gameplays of Stellaris on YouTube while eating. I was literally gritting my teeth from envy and frustration, so I fled from them as if it was fire. I spent 30 minutes or so thinking about a plot for a VN I thought yesterday when I was going to bed and fell asleep again. Woke up at 20:00. There's still a bit of day ahead me, I think I'll draw, check on some French or Economy and translate a bit. Or mindlessly browse. Not an alternative but I gotta be real. By saying it I'm trying to feel compelled to act, not to exonerate myself. Erm, I guess. Sorry for the terrible grammar btw.

Anyway, back on topic, seriously, what would be a good backup plan for relaxing?

I don't want to just sleep the day away and just start with my next day's obligations. I rely heavily on planning and willpower to keep going since I currently only have one "real" obligation (drawing classes). The rest is schedule and/or reaching daily objectives (e.g. from 9:00 to 12:00 maths/study three hours of maths). I don't feel too worn out (apparently, there's a heavy chance I get exhausted a lot and I don't realize) but whatever the case I feel it's a very inefficient system. 

All in all, this week was pretty ok. Let's see what I can make for the next one. 156 hours yay! Tomorrow a week.

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9 days and a half. My personal record of being 100% clean is 16. It will be done in a breeze!

Monday, studied two hours of Economy, had a pleasant and constructive conversation with great friend and partner @hycniejsy, drawed a bit.

Tuesday, went to drawing classes, did not so good unfortunately, but I’m not worried in the least. Spent some quality time with my family doing nothing in particular. Finally shaved my beard after the theatre play. I feel 10 years younger or so now.

 

Wednesday (today): Collapsed But Not Relapsed.

Woke up at 12:00, got up from bed at 18:00. I was feeling terrible, defeated, useless, even ugly. Whatever so I could feel bad. Terrifying cravings of Stellaris. How can you have cravings for something you haven't even played, seriously. Thankfully, to play it I would need to buy it, and that's a pretty thick red line. I'm safeguarded against relapses but that doesn't mean it can't still ruin my day as it has done. And I can't allow myself to have wasted days this month, with the exam and all that. I'm not sure what's my weak point. Do I need more planning? More discipline? More motivation?

My commitment to not play is firm. I even turned down my friend in his offers of playing together. Several times, and counting. I said this already; this is the good one. But this is not just about not gaming, even if that alone is a challenge. It's about having a meaningful life. I'm much better than December, that's undeniable. And January, February, March and April. But I still haven't crossed the boundary of momentum as to be productive even in a bad day. It gets on my nerves. I don't know how to justify or explain it either. Some days I'm just fine, then the next day I'm not. Then the next I am ok again, as if nothing happened. My mind works through connections. If I don't understand the triggers, how am I supposed to counter or anticipate anything? I can't just hope and pray for tomorrow to be a good day, there must be other way to do things. 

At least my english is slightly improving from all this walls of text! This, erm, very repetitive walls of text. Sorry 'bout that. Really.

I feel this journal is getting lonelier lately, and it's partly my "fault" for not posting in other journals. The other part is, obviously, the population growth. I'm not feeling guilty since I really don't have the time (but being honest, I would have it with better management and efficiency) but it still makes me a bit sad. Just a tad, I'm not complaining. I also miss folks who used to hang around and are no longer, specially the ones who didn't finish their detoxes. 

Anyway, I'll just shake off this bad stuff of my shoulders and push forward. I'll have plenty of time to cry in mid-June. Or after the 90 days. Not now.

 

By the way, have you noticed how my posts have been tending to positive lately? (Despite my ever-present cynicism)

I did. And I'm feeling great for that!

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