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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Well if I didn't even realized that you started playing again but nice that you making progress in this other areas of your life. Do you really need a purpose to work? For me personally it is enough to feel good about doing something constructive and in my experience a pure egocentric view of life is enough reason to work on yourself. If you do something to improve, you feel better, more confident and more in control. This feeling is purpose enough for me at this moment. If I find something i absolutely love doing and for what I want to work my ass off this would be a great bonus.

 

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I just wanted to say yesterday I translated 1800 words in two hours of standard work (not hurry, not slacking) while also attending all my other responsibilities at their correct time and I feel awesome for it. I was VERY optimistic about my Respawn completion estimate but at this new pace of work I can end it fairly soon and more importantly, without overexerting. The idea is to build habit, not to make a single-time titanic effort. Unless boss Cam says otherwise. -_-

The struggle is real man. I would recommend speaking plainly to your friend. Up front and honest about your feelings, firm but not aggressive. Tell him how his behavior affects you and perhaps you and he can work out a system that benefits everyone! 

Best of luck friend.

I wish I could say that I did but... I didn't. I can't trample on his passion like that, it was just bad luck. Or perhaps it had to be that way. It depends on how things turn out on the long term. All good friendships have sharp sides, I guess I can consider me lucky for ours being this instead of something far worse. Unfortunately our personal views on games themselves and how should I take them are complete opposites and tend to clash. ("You don't have to quit cold turkey, that's being too extreme")

Thank you for your feelings! :)

Well if I didn't even realized that you started playing again but nice that you making progress in this other areas of your life. Do you really need a purpose to work? For me personally it is enough to feel good about doing something constructive and in my experience a pure egocentric view of life is enough reason to work on yourself. If you do something to improve, you feel better, more confident and more in control. This feeling is purpose enough for me at this moment. If I find something i absolutely love doing and for what I want to work my ass off this would be a great bonus.

I didn't realize too...! 

Well, it depends of what kind of work you're doing, if you're working exclusively for yourself or are part of something bigger (work out vs. office job for example), if you personally like the task... I like writing and doing various kinds of jobs, even repetitive ones, but I tend to view working as a mean.

For instance: "I'm screwing all this screws to make a cupboard, not just because I enjoy the act of screwing (no pun) and makes me feel I'm doing something useful with my life" 

What I find really hard it's to find a higher purpose to things. When you're a kid you go to the beach and build sandcastles. You're perfectly aware the tide will rise and wipe your castle out eventually, you just don't give a crap about it since you're enjoying yourself. Then you grow up and rationalize the pointlessness of the act and most people never build a sandcastle again. They even have the nerve to call it childish. 

You know what's the actual thing everyone believes childish? Optimism.

That's life man. The tides of death will eventually come and you'll dissolve in a sea of nothingness. And we're instinctually taught to make a fuss about it. We think we hold a right over our sandcastle just because we made it ourselves, we believe we deserve a cosmic reward for making the effort. Why should it be that way? It's just a bunch of sand molded into a shape, and it's no better than the water which will "destroy" it. 

So when people realize they won't be treated in a special way, no matter how much effort put into their sandcastle, they get pissed, they have a tantrum, many refuse to try anything. They believe it's some kind of strike, a retribution, a rebellion against the higher power who wants them to live. 

When actually they're just kids
in front
of a sandcastle.

And things would be so simple if we just shrug off everything and get our hands dirty, shaping our very own castles and playing to be kings. At least that childish, optimistic approach would be in hindsight more reasonable than belonging to the bunch of stuck-up assholes with their rationalizations (excuses) trying to be "adults" and sabotaging the universe when, actually, are sabotaging themselves.

- Whoa dude that was so smart, so how about making your own sandcastle too?

Dunno man, I'm currently too engrossed with that fucking huge wall of nothingness coming closer to me, but if I ever get over my own silly self-importance and selfish existentialism I guess I could join you guys. After all you have the best attitude among the possible ones.

I'm almost certain I'll play today. At least I'm gonna try to translate some more and put my social life in order (today's planned task). Sign off.

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I just wanted to say yesterday I translated 1800 words in two hours of standard work (not hurry, not slacking) while also attending all my other responsibilities at their correct time and I feel awesome for it. I was VERY optimistic about my Respawn completion estimate but at this new pace of work I can end it fairly soon and more importantly, without overexerting. The idea is to build habit, not to make a single-time titanic effort. Unless boss Cam says otherwise. -_-

tumblr_mowjer5HDD1s9frcro1_500.thumb.gif

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Brief update: This month's first days were shit. My dear ex-girlfriend used to say I have the obnoxious habit of giving up the whole day if it started badly instead of trying to patch up things. And now I see she was right. For example, yesterday I was late for my drawing class. So instead of going late I didn't go at all. I was supposed to study for the driving license with a friend but I holed up in my room instead and just slept. Now I'm here with my enthusiastic developer bro (even if I'm awake since 3:00 am) but only because I set up an imaginary firewall named "tomorrow", instead of setting up an imaginary firewall named "right now". The problem is, if the firewall tomorrow also fails, I lose another day just waiting for the next. And one fail makes easier to fail again, so a day can become a week, a month and so on. But if the firewall now fails, trying again only takes a few seconds. It doesn't take rocket science to see which method is better. Well, I'll concede a little and admit I'm proud of this new routine I'm trying to implement, but there are just so many mistakes, so much inefficiency... I'm plenty patient with others but way too harsh with myself. Oh, wait, I'm not patient with others in the slightest, so maybe I'm plenty hypocrite for keeping quiet about it? You know these folks who are always yelling at people and are like in a constant anger, and when you tell them they answer indignant: "I'm just honest with what I think/feel!" I never wanted to be one of those people and be always arguing and making trouble, so if being diplomatic makes me a hypocrite, so be it. 

I was about to say something else but I can't put my finger on it right now.

Edited by Hitaru

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- Day 73

I was writing a post full of unrelated bullshit about how shitty I was feeling lately and not so lately, but then the premiere of my theatre play arrived and I felt I should write about that instead. So the overall sensations are quite good; better than expected actually. I was expecting to be mercilessly assailed by anxiety, melancholy, nostalgia, self-doubt, pointless euphoria… but none of those appeared. Monday and Tuesday, I just did what I was supposed to do and a bit more, kept my cool at all times, received well-deserved applause (objectively speaking, at least as a reward for not missing a single word nor gesture of the screenplay), exchanged pleasantries with the audience, words and hugs of encouragement with the rest of the troupe, then crashed home tired and satisfied with a job well done. And here we are today, in my increasingly routine worktime with my dev friend. (Well. “Dev” or “Developer” is a very big word for him, the same as I wouldn’t call myself a… “writer”, for example)


Of course I heard stuff like “You should make a job of this” and “This truly is your path” aplenty during these two days, and I didn’t expect less. You know shit is serious when 15 year old teenagers who were obliged to watch the play (the hardest kind of audience) massively approach you after watching the whole thing silent and even cooperative, and say: “I was expecting this to be boring as fuck, but it turned out to be cool, you got a knack for this”, one after another. So I really must have an acceptable skill and talent for this acting thing. After all, dramatic approach to life runs in my family… 


So now I have this bad feeling on the back of my head pounding and aching, but it’s more manageable than I thought it would be. "I could still try". "I can always try". Oh no, not this again. Again the endless debate. What I like vs. What I should. And the clock keeps ticking. And ticking. 


Existentialism levels are exceeding safe parameters so fuck it. I still have to do things today. 

Edited by Hitaru

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Wish you a peaceful day today.

It was, thank you kindly! ;)

- Day 75. Days since beginning of Log: 130

Yesterday was completely wasted. Today I plan to be extra productive. Panic and mental disarray have been constants this week, but at the same time I've been feeling something else, new and interesting. I got the feeling this is a new stage in my life. I'm not in the "education" stage anymore. From now on, education is something I'll be providing myself anytime I need or want it, instead of a general, mandatory situation. I'm not sure how to explain. I'm not a child or a teenager anymore. I'm an adult (I guess.). I can choose. Going to school is completely optional (albeit very advisable). That's both a relief and a concern. The practical outcome (aka what I'm actually trying to say) is I'm no longer feeling self-coerced to enter a job training. But I still don't know what I'll be doing next. I'm lost. Not "desperate" lost, as I was months ago, when I began this journal. Stray. Objectively speaking, is a huge step. But I can't concede. I can't feel the progress, the small victories over myself. That makes me sad, no need for any other pretentious word. Just sad. It makes me feel it doesn't matter.

Just thinking about it makes my head spin but I NEED to sort it out. NOW.

What. The fuck. I'm going to do. Seriously, no more beating around the bush. Right now.

Alan Watts would say "Forget about the money". Well, if so, theatre is by far the way to go. But... I'm afraid. Should I try again in my former school and make a glorious return? Should I try somewhere else? More humble or more ambitious? Should I focus in short courses and specialize instead of a general training? 

Okay, chill now. First things first.

- What do I like the most in life?

1. Acting
2. Writing
3. Politics
4. Humour
5. Traveling

Since one of my main problems is reluctance to give up options, let's give it a new approach. Combinations.

1 and 3 complement each other, politics is acting when you're a candidate. But it could be also approached in a low-profiled way, making use of 2. (Cabinet member?)

Or perhaps 5! (Protocol or one of these new frivolous positions, manager or organizer of some sort, that's interesting and would make my mother the happiest woman on Earth. Going to parties and being seen with famous folks? Happiest. Woman. On Earth.)

2 can complement 3, 4 and 5, or 1 if I work as scriptwriter.

3 and 4 can mix together (satiric commentator perhaps?), and can be aided by 1. My own Saturday Night Live Show, cool!

5 is the most "open" element of the list but I like to keep it in mind. Finally, 1 and 5 would be daring, but emotionally rewarding. A lot. 

Now we're talking! I still don't know what to do but all those options seem so much interesting than doing whatever just for the sake of do anything. Let's see, what kind of skills and knowledge I need to develop in order to aim for anything of those?

1. Charisma and acting skills
2. Healthy lifestyle
3. Writing skills
4. General knowledge/culture

Now, if I want to go further into anything related to 3, very probably I'll need more specific skills and a college degree (even if just for prestige), but that's long term.

So focus on those 4 things. Which are... very generic, to say the least. They seem completely unimportant. A waste of time I could use studying something useful. And yet they are the most important aspects in one's life but... what happens with... titulations?? See, always the same story. You get what I'm saying? Then I'll feel compelled to study some unwanted garbage just to get a titulation at anything, completely ignoring what I'd really like to pursue, then I'll be unhappy and unmotivated and I'll drop it. Why couldn't I be a Computer Engineering or Law student, LIKE FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE!? (Sorry if you're one of those, no offense. But seriously guys, you're mainstream as f***)

And you still need to find love, Hitaru~~

Jesus, I need some serious help with this shit. Not with my dating life. That's beyond repair. Again the headache. Maaaaaan. No, focus. So what do I need to do next? They are actually things I can improve everyday so I don't need a special schedule for those. But it feels incomplete. I need to do something else. Something else I can't find. Or is it just my imagination? I have some other activities planned but... I wish there was a specific activity I could do to advance towards my objective. Something that was pretty obvious. Like... in a videogame. But life is more like a sandbox. There's not a specific objective. Sigh, now I understand. 

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Legacy, Mastery and Freedom. 

He appears to be one of these post new-age Utilitarianism gurus: heavy focus on environmentalism, emotional intelligence, entrepreneuring... Many would find his thesis idealistic and utopian at best. Am I one of those skeptic people? Nah, I don't think so*. Related, Did you know more than 75% of the spanish youth wants to become a civil servant? What do you think about this? 

* I'm just cynical by nature and tend to question (and mock) values and ideas no matter how much I personally agree with them. Some people find that extremely unnerving... and I can understand why. I think I've said this before.

You know, about ideas, it's the same with newspapers and news in general. People don't watch news to be informed, they watch news to be convinced. If they wanted to be informed why they choose to read a certain newspaper or watch a certain tv channel over the rest? The reason you recommended me this, and why I chose to read it is because we believe in it to some extent (any extent). You could have recommended me one of those articles in Cracked that could be summarized with "Get the green and be an asshole". But you didn't, that makes a difference. Makes me wonder, it's all about our own idea of what does life mean, isn't it?

Anyway, I can allow myself to be utopian. I was born with options. I'm not oppressed by my socio-economical status, but things could become really grim if I keep sitting idle.

So,

- What do I like to do for the people? - Legacy

- What do I like to do for myself? - Mastery

- What do I expect from my work? - Freedom

I like to make people question themselves and the world around them. I'm confident I can convince almost anyone of almost anything if I truly want to and try enough. I don't usually want; why should I? Especially lately with my current relativism, but it could be a very useful skill, to motivate people or convince them I'm the right guy for X, for example. I also seem to have some skill making people feel uneasy or sorrowful, but my trump card for sure is comedy. I'd like to actively help people but my empathy is a bit lacking. Or rather, my ability to react to others' emotional distress. So I guess my best service to the community could be something that many people find helpful and enlightening, by written form or direct contact, but without too much closeness.

In terms of personal preference, I like introspective stuff the most. Music, Writing, drawing. Even acting, dancing, traveling or doing sports are introspective activities for me. I can accept to work in a team without reluctance, but only if we are aiming at a goal bigger than myself; if I can achieve something without others, I prefer that option. I won't whine if I'm in a group, it's just a subconscious tendency. 

The third one is the most tricky I think. I guess I want a job that wipes away my existential boredom. I wouldn't mind becoming some sort of ridiculously overdone "real-life opera character" if it was entertaining. I wouldn't mind danger or disdain. Ideally, I want a life where people would understand my fickleness as "part of the job". Ideally, I want a life where I could be understood. But if that can't be achieved (and now I know it can't), I want my life to be fun. My idea of fun is huge. Fun is the opposite of boring, and boring is immobility. Tragedy is fun. Happiness is fun. Working and struggling is fun. Relaxing is fun as well. Watching things happen fills me with some strange lighthearted joy. So I want to make things happen, and things to happen to me. Perhaps that's why I hate death (besides primal fear). Death is the complete immobility, and I'm just too used to live. I like being alive and having problems; it's fun. Maybe if I grow tired of life my mind will change. Ask me again in 60 years or so.

Honestly speaking, I don't think I'm getting any closer. I don't want to make a rash choice as always, I want to feel I have some control over my own things. Well, sitting around writing the same things over and over again won't help. I've already played today, so starting tomorrow I'm going to get serious again with quitting. I've already made a full schedule! Now it's just sticking to it. I'll try my best and write again.

Edited by Hitaru

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 Related, Did you know more than 75% of the spanish youth wants to become a civil servant? What do you think about this? 

It is surprising but I figure it is that way because civil service offers job security which is hard to get these days. If societies insecurity is high people tend to the boring secure stuff as working dream.

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After consecutive failures, I've started a full detox again today. Yesterday I couldn't get up and today I'm feeling ill. I've been quitting on some antidepressants these last two weeks, reducing the intake little by little, but I'm terribly nauseous even so. It feels as if someone was doing pressure at the sides of my head with their knuckles, hitting every two or three minutes a neuron or nerve that makes me lose equilibrium and focus. I was prescripted by a doctor I don't plan to see again in the short or middle term (and that means I'm probably not seeing him ever again), so I don't see the point in taking something without control just for habit. If I go to another doctor and get the same or other prescription, I guess it would be ok to start taking meds again, but for now I think it's pointless. Besides, I'm way too self-conscious about my brain and anything that messes up with it. Even alcohol feels wrong. 

I'm feeling extremely unproductive this morning (wait, I "was", morning's gone already). I wanted to write but my idea hid inside my brain. Then I wanted to write something NSFW but selfishly decided to masturbate instead, so any kind of inspiration is gone until tomorrow. This nausea is slowly killing me, but I could bear with it for the sake of a greater purpose. I found some new study and job prospects, I'll research this afternoon or if not possible tomorrow morning, then write about it here. I have everything else sorted out. I have network. I have a schedule. All I need now is focus and will. 

Today is day 81. But day 81 of what? I've been playing so I haven't completed a 90 days detox. 60, yes, but not 90. I said before it was a 90 days period of "life improvement". And I think I've achieved some things. I'm going to devote the next 9 days in finding a short or medium term purpose. If I do, these 90 days will be totally worthy and my main goal accomplished. I'm sorry for changing my mind so many times over the course of these months, you must feel my journal is a big deception. In practical terms I haven't moved forward too much, unlike some other people here who work miracles after quitting. I'm really sorry. 

However, wouldn't be nice if my next journal entry was about what I've finally decided to study and why? And wouldn't be nicer if my first entry of september was about how I've started to actually study what I chose instead of pussy out? It would certainly be nice for me!

And most importantly, why "pussy out" means to flee, how is that related to a woman's vagina? Do vaginas flee...? Well. Actually that's kinda arguable......

Or for example, in spanish "coñazo" ("coño" means pussy, and "azo" states bigness or movement) means something or someone awfully boring. Assuming language was made over the course of generations mostly by heterosexual privileged males, since when were vaginas boring for those people? Or were they referring to what they believed was the annoyance who was in possession of the item, in this case a woman, namely their wife? Sexism is a terrible thing. Why can't we just be nice to each other? Also fuck gender roles, if I ever marry a woman I want her to be a life partner in equal terms, not some kind of brainwashed, unquestioning maid, that sounds boring as hell. And no, goodness, that doesn't necessarily mean femdom. N-not always.

In all seriousness now; femdom is cliché and cliché is usually boring. Can a heterosexual woman in this world be strong and independent without leather and leash? According to television, obviously not.

 ANYWAY! -_- I'll try to be productive this afternoon, but I can't make promises. Wish me fortune, I'll try to bring back good news.

Edited by Hitaru

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After consecutive failures, I've started a full detox again today. Yesterday I couldn't get up and today I'm feeling ill. I've been quitting on some antidepressants these last two weeks, reducing the intake little by little, but I'm terribly nauseous even so. It feels as if someone was doing pressure at the sides of my head with their knuckles, hitting every two or three minutes a neuron or nerve that makes me lose equilibrium and focus. I was prescripted by a doctor I don't plan to see again in the short or middle term (and that means I'm probably not seeing him ever again), so I don't see the point in taking something without control just for habit. If I go to another doctor and get the same or other prescription, I guess it would be ok to start taking meds again, but for now I think it's pointless. Besides, I'm way too self-conscious about my brain and anything that messes up with it. Even alcohol feels wrong.

Did the antidepressants help you before hand? If yes I would find another doctor and try to get the right dose. If not I would try to find a doctor and make an kind of controlled reduce and maybe he could give you something about the nausea. I have some friends who reduced their antidepressants by their own and it didn't do them well at all. This is just my personal opinion but be careful whatever you do.

 

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You're doing better than you think or give yourself credit for. One baby step at a time, "The Slight Edge." What I've learned is that we can't grow from somewhere we're not, so instead of comparing to others journey, the best is to recognize your own and work on what your next positive step is today. This applies to everyone too, not just you Hitaru! I'm proud of you.

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Did the antidepressants help you before hand? If yes I would find another doctor and try to get the right dose. If not I would try to find a doctor and make an kind of controlled reduce and maybe he could give you something about the nausea. I have some friends who reduced their antidepressants by their own and it didn't do them well at all. This is just my personal opinion but be careful whatever you do.

Not really, no. But you can never be fully sure with antidepressants, when they're working and when it's just a coincidental general life improvement? How do they relate? Etc.  At least this time I've reduced them before quitting, others (two more times) were cold turkey (never do that guys). I'll be much more serious with meds from now on. 

The slight edge. Even the smallest action can turn the tide on a downward spiral. Now the issue would be reaching 0 and positive numbers, but if you don't know where that 0 is, well, you can enjoy and cherish the upward ride. Speaking of which:

I went clubbing yesterday. I invested a great amount of effort and a relatively large sum of money to be social and functional. It worked. I don't like clubbing very much, but seeing my friends was great. Former friends from former happy times (theatre 'n stuff). I was full of angst and post traumatic stress but I prevailed (somehow), so I'm proud. Still, despite how much I enjoy my friends' company, the act of being that kind of social is terribly draining. Much more than anything else: more than self-improving, working, exercising, keeping a discipline and a routine... the only thing harder is keeping my mind steadfast against existential despair and death panic (which is increasingly hard, but still I prefer it). I don't understand why among all the more or less dull things I have to do in order to work properly this one is the hardest. You know, it should be fun, funnier than anything else I mean. Yeah, perhaps what I don't like is the format, but it's not like there are too much alternatives. It's the easiest and simplest way to throw yourself at the street and have the chance to meet tons of different people with multiple styles, hobbies and trades. There are alternatives, but they tend to be more oriented to fewer, kindred people. Clubbing is Socializing 101, or whatever that is said. I was supposed to be social again right now (I should be already outside), I'll decide on it in the next seconds.

Gamefree since Thursday; that is 82 hours. 

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I was always a fan of privat partys/meet-up with only a few people I don't know. Clubbing isn't me at all, to full to many drunk idiots. Would be different if there was place to dance a bit and let off some steam but it seldom is. Dancing in a club is fun. Trying to talk to a stranger if it is so loud and full of other people isn't. But I suck at this maybe this is the reason for me not having fun :D

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Clubbing isn't me at all, to full to many drunk idiots. Would be different if there was place to dance a bit and let off some steam but it seldom is. Dancing in a club is fun. Trying to talk to a stranger if it is so loud and full of other people isn't. 

Completely opposite to me, heh. I somehow tend to get along really well with the drunken idiots (or rather they tend to get along really well with me) and the part I dislike most is the dancing. If that's even allowed to be called "dancing" instead of "a bad impersonation of an epileptic". Epileptics would be offended, at least they retain all their dignity.

Well, no; the part I dislike the most is when the drunken idiots try to hit on my female friends. It's already awkward for a guy to hit on a girl but I wouldn't call that "oppression", "harassment", "almost rape" or other things you can hear nowadays. Even if a girl is just trying to have a nice time with her friends and does not want to be bothered, I think approaching and trying to be social or even flirt is still acceptable since you can't be 100% sure of her disposition without actually talking to them. But that's just me, I'm the kind of person who would approach a stranger only to compliment or comment on a piece of their clothing or something equally trivial (because when something of that sort comes to my mind it suddenly becomes of the utmost importance and I must say it or my liver turns blue.) Girls may misunderstand my intentions because they're used to vultures, but I won't let my gender interfere with my love for prattle. I have my standards. 

For most people, the advice I usually hear (and think is most sensible) is something among this lines:

Read the signs before doing anything rash, for instance the girl repeatedly smiling at you or throwing a subtle come-hither look, etc. (I'm talking about girls now because boys aren't very subtle, let's be real)

But if you take the risk anyway, your levels of chill must be stratospheric. You must accept the fact that the person in question may feel accosted, bothered, uncomfortable, or whatever they might feel; and they are in their right even if you are completely harmless and well-intentioned. So you must be always ready to leave as smoothly and politely as you tried to arrive. And here is where many guys fail. Miserably. Now consider 80% of my female friends happen to be lesbians. Things just get ridiculous, since now it's not about your lack of personal charm but your excess of penis. But they won't pull a tactical retreat and laugh off the whole affair, oh no. "You haven't found a proper man yet" PEOPLE! Please! I don't know how my friends, lesbians and women in general can put up with this bullshit, day after day. If that's being "a man" God forbid if I am ever one. I thought being "manly", if anything, was about manhandling (*drumsticks*) life with a stiff upper lip and a magnificent lumberjack beard, and even that is anachronistic and ridiculous. Or perhaps I'm just jelly of their manly ways. 

 

[OBLIGATORY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rScMI1dypQs]

 

Socializing in small, quiet environments is great, but then people start talking about their lives and I feel I don't belong, like they're way ahead of me, at a point where I should be but I'm not. Getting results and things done will fix that, and then I'll just have to overcome what by now is an irrational social phobia. But hey, nothing to worry about, and this time I'm not being sarcastic. It can be fixed. 

5 days clean again! Okay, I've got this. I'm now used to translate at least a single word every day. I've never needed to resort to a single word, my minimum has been 350+, fortunately it's a way of speaking. The next habit I want to develop is drawing at least one line every day. So much things to do MY GOD! It's so easy to feel overwhelmed. For each victory there are twenty things still on queue. Ok, don't panic. Gotta go now, I have something else to write about but I've spent too much time writing this one. Still having issues with time management, as you can see...! 

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Soon a week. Funny how I don't care if I am embarrassing at an activity where I can ignore other people(like dancing) and I have such difficulties with potential embarrassment at the interaction with other people. Guess I am to polite.I don't want to be a burden for other people, they have to get rid off. Maybe you come to the point where you can talk to people and are just interested in their lives and how they do it. This envy or feeling of inferiority ceases in my experience if real curiosity sets in. The good thing is: time is our ally. Small steps consistent over a long time and we both arrive at our desired destination.

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I am curious about people, but it hurts. Step by step, everything's fine. 

Goodness! I've been so productive today. Yesterday had the first skype call with our dear fellow @hycniejsy, we've been planning to do a language exchange and at last we could start.

Quite the cutie, our pharmacist! He'll probably drive all the grandmas mad, maybe they will even stop asking for unneeded pills! Who am I trying to fool, that shall never happen.

As for today, I've written a lengthy letter to a comrade translator, which I hope he finds useful. I've made some trips asking for those aforementioned "new study/job prospects", translated a roughly 1100 words, and drawed for one hour and half. And it's still 20:00 pm! What am I going to do with so much time? I'm overwhelmed just from the variety of tasks performed and it seems I need more! I should (and will) make a list with my current activities and arrange them between categories (resting, mentally engaging, etc.) and then add some of my weakest area (phisically active it's the first thing that comes to my mind, and the exertion will probably make my now seemingly endless time fly away).

On the field of games, I relapsed last night. And I'll relapse again in five minutes, because I really don't have anything else to do today, and I don't want to push me forcing me to read for example (the sense of responsibility of being learned and cultured makes me feel nauseous near books, something I really regret and will work to fix) This dev friend of me asked me if I'm up for a multiplayer game of Minecraft. He'll be hosting the server so I won't be able to play without him. Well, I could still play on my own but it wouldn't be the same. I tend to tire (not bore, literally wear out) playing multiplayer things very quickly, so I'm going to take the risk and add the Social to the game equation for the second or third scarce time of my whole life (remember I've always played alone and solitude was a key element of my addiction). I'll check on how I feel and reflect on it. It could be an excuse and a rationalization, sure, and I won't be ashamed if it ends being one. But empiricism is also key. Besides, nothing could ruin my day today, not even a little guilty conscience if it ends appearing.

Day 87. Three days to decide what I'm going to do. Time's tickin'!

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Day 88:

Except for making some phone calls, completely wasted. The phone call itself meant great improvement; I'll explain later. A quick note to myself to remind me to do at least one more thing today or I shall suffer peer disapproval for my inaction. Please don't give up!

[A cute pic should go here. It really should. Please pretend it's actually here]

Edited by Hitaru

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¡Hola amigo!

It's not wasted day if you'll keep away from games. Just one day at the time is a great deal!

Even if you have a game developer friend, you can get more friends to find other, non-game related activities!

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