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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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I have been doing great mate, and I am glad to see that your vibe in your journals is more upbeat and much more positive. Sounds like you have made some great mental decisions which has lifted a lot of pressure/concern for you.

When I have a bit more spare time it would be great to chat more in detail.

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Update with "today's" developments later

"Later", yeah right.

It's been a wild ride. For real. 

It bothers me a lot that, since I write from time to (a lot of) time, there's not really a feeling of progression between posts, only these "jumps". I'll come one day and say "I'm feeling great!", then next month I'll say "I relapsed!", then the next "Hey guess what I'm transgender!" and so on. In my life it makes sense because I'm focused on living it (or rather at this point, just getting through this stage works fine for me), but for any potential reader it may look like... "Dude, what the f*ck. Or gal, who knows what's going on anymore". On the bright side, reading my journal lately must be a constant surprise (?) 

 

Some key points from these last 2 months:

- Today I made 77 days without computer at all! I still get distracted a lot because apparently I simply can't be left alone with an internet connection, but I consider it a personal victory. Taking notes and studying overall is harder for me without the technology, but so far I'm managing only because I'm smart.

- Did most of the assignments and some mock exams for the semester and my teachers are showering me with compliments! I found a place where talking pedantic to the point of flamboyance about something you don't really know about is not only not frowned upon but ENCOURAGEDIs this Heaven

(The guy from History (the "cool" one, then there's the "normal" one) seems particularly enthralled with me. Thanks 15 years of 8+ hours a day of Grand Strategy games I guess...!)

- A brief, weird, mildly dangerous and frankly stupid story with a middle-aged man was the source of unnecessary conflict between me and my boyfriend, to the point I'm seriously considering ditching all that free love talk and settle down under a conventional Triple H setting: Home, Husband and Hegel. And some cats of course. I was mistreated by that stranger, not to the point of violence but high quality bullshit nonetheless. 

- I came out to practically all the people that ever cared about me and my father (who now seems to care so I'm going to have to tone down a bit what I said about him in the past, not to hurt his feelings. He deserved criticism, but I was also bitter.)

- I presented feminine for the first times and confirmed all my feelings and suppositions, which led me to... 

- ...coming out at Uni and using their inside protocol to change "common use name" to my chosen name. My legal name is still the same and my degree would reflect it, changing it requires another process. This change at university level will take place this week. 

 

And honestly, I'm terrified since I picked a girl's name and now I feel compelled to maintain a clearly feminine presentation everyday. More than 30 pages of intermittent journal must have proven that I'm terrible at consistency. On top of that, I've been also feeling more comfortable with my masculine presentation, now that I consider it a choice (actually emergency measure when I cannot present as girl, but at least it doesn't feel imposed.) So I would say those are my 2 main concerns: keeping a presentation (also adding the fun fact that I'm balding) and the potential harmful effects of HRT in my body, should I go that way. 

And if I calm down and think about it, those worries are not ultimately about 'who I am', but rather 'what am I doing here'. 

If I was alone in this world, I would not have a need for a name, or pronouns. Clothes, hair, accessories, would have no meaning for me beyond looking pretty. I would be in practice another part of the scenery, like the wind or the ocean waves or, you know, that thing that is not a rock or a plant and has existential anxiety at night while the other animals sleep. Here and now in this world, I don't think I've ever really felt that sense of "belonging". At school I was an outcast, at home I was alone; all my hobbies (and addictions), I did them either in secret or just by myself. Most of them through lurking online, with only brief periods of being part of a physical group of people. No sob story, just facts, context. Even with friends I have this fantasy or daydream in which, rather than spending the evenings with a trusted circle (still appealing sometimes), I'm more of a wandering sort, just dropping by and healing people in need with kind words, cold (no, better 'calm') logic and support. I get tired from people's presence easily, or at least moodily, with a lot of swing between social highs and lows, and that doesn't help long-term connection. It has hurt me, more times that I'm consciously aware of. 

At Uni I feel (very) comfortable, but I'm aware of the fact that, unless I dedicate my life to academia and flamboyant writing (which wouldn't be a bad choice), it will be temporary. Classmates and teachers will come and go. Me as well. And yet, it's the place I've ever felt most 'at home', so I really don't want to screw up, come back home ashamed and defeated and hide behind video games for the nth time.

(Yet) I feel like doing just that a lot of the time because, I still can't cope with either living or (and) dying. I don't think I'll ever will, unless perhaps at the very end (I truly hope so). But that's a fallacy. It's all a fallacy. Why do I feel so invalid when I think about dying in pain or emotional anguish? I mean, you're dying, it's not like they give you bonus points for stoicism at the end of the performance. And why this obsession with living a lot, thus being skeptic of anything that would be potentially (self)harmful? I've wasted 25 years of that life. I'll be becoming older now. I'm still unsure about what to do with the rest of it. I get the self preservation, but what's the point of living a lot? Why am I so attached to it? What is it that I want to do here so badly?

It feels sometimes that transitioning would be the vehicle or metaphor to represent this conflict. Ultimately it doesn't matter if I "am" a man, a woman or an idiot in a wig, at least that's not really my concern. In any case I would be taking full responsibility for living as who I honestly feel I am. So far existence for me has been a given. I just wake up every morning, realize I'm still alive, and to be honest, I kind of decide in the moment if I'm going to carry on with the day or not. Until now I didn't need to take pills to regulate my hormones or shave every morning or do this or that to keep the image of myself (for myself, not for attention) I want to live my life with. I didn't have to take full responsibility for living, I just did. Every day. Just here, wandering, lurking. Lost...?

Facing that commitment terrifies me. The idea that I have to consciously maintain myself. Even if I wasn't transitioning, I still struggle with everything related to grinding: sleep habits, diet, exercise, study, work, relationships. Me. I don't give two bucks for me and my well-being and that's sad, sad and unfair. I realize the absurdity, it's easier to take care of myself than others, but I neglect basic things anyway and then I also can't face the rest of humans as well. I know that, but... 

Would I take the skittles if I was alone? Yes. Would I take them in a fully supportive community? Yes. It's settled then. My problem is not the skittles, or dying. It's... the feeling that it's pointless I guess, no matter which direction I take. Without the values of God, Country or Family it's partly understandable that I'm finding issues in grasping my arbitrary individuality, can't really complain about it, just the times I'm living and I'm OK with them. There must be something I can do to free myself from this feeling of emptiness. Dresses and makeup help however, so I'm not giving up those (?). 

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I remember I "wanted" to be some kind of genderless entity since almost as long as I have memories. If it's a sign of dysphoria or a projection of that subconscious wish of eternity rooted in judeo-christian imagery would be impossible to tell at this point but, would it matter that much anyway? In the process of finding and also building myself, I refuse to be defined by gender, which is nothing but the social narration of who is (and 'must be') privileged and who is (and 'must be') oppressed. I want to escape that dichotomy. Even if it was biology. Which is not. 

You know what bothers me? I think I mentioned it before. Since I was little I somehow knew I'd study Politics. Who knows if I'll finish it but here I am. I knew I wouldn't settle with "being a boy", here I am. I knew I would majorly screw up if I didn't have absolute confidence in myself and some kind of providential ability to somehow sense how my future in general lines was going to unfold. Then theatre school happened. And of course in the end I find myself following that schedule, the only ramifications my pathetic tries to avoid it (which, surprise, ended in major screw ups.) And lastly, I knew I would ultimately be unable to cope with the pressure of closing time and end my days completely insane, à la Nietzsche I guess. Well fuck, thanks I hate it.

If it happens, please world don't give me that "HE lost HIS mind because he was a tr*nny" or similar bullshit. If anything it would happen because smart people do that, lose their mind and die. So I should really, REALLY focus in enjoying every day. Infinite reminder to myself. May sound weird but openly speaking about my magical/supernatural/irrational thinking and my doubts about my identity or purpose help me a lot to keep them in check.

I'll be staying at home (back home) for a week or so, going to medical appointments, putting my university notes in order, hanging out with my parents and boyfriend, disconnecting for a bit in general. I think it'll do me good but I don't want to be at home with the laptop. At this point I'm 99% certain I'll relapse if I'm left alone with it, but I can't bring myself to ask my boyfriend to some kind of saudi guardianship. I mean I could, but I don't think he'll accept and it's also kind of a toxic dynamic. May do the trick for an emergency or two so I'll take it into consideration. 

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6 hours ago, Hitaru said:

I remember I "wanted" to be some kind of genderless entity since almost as long as I have memories. If it's a sign of dysphoria or a projection of that subconscious wish of eternity rooted in judeo-christian imagery would be impossible to tell at this point but, would it matter that much anyway? In the process of finding and also building myself, I refuse to be defined by gender, which is nothing but the social narration of who is (and 'must be') privileged and who is (and 'must be') oppressed. I want to escape that dichotomy. Even if it was biology. Which is not. 

You know what bothers me? I think I mentioned it before. Since I was little I somehow knew I'd study Politics. Who knows if I'll finish it but here I am. I knew I wouldn't settle with "being a boy", here I am. I knew I would majorly screw up if I didn't have absolute confidence in myself and some kind of providential ability to somehow sense how my future in general lines was going to unfold. Then theatre school happened. And of course in the end I find myself following that schedule, the only ramifications my pathetic tries to avoid it (which, surprise, ended in major screw ups.) And lastly, I knew I would ultimately be unable to cope with the pressure of closing time and end my days completely insane, à la Nietzsche I guess. Well fuck, thanks I hate it.

If it happens, please world don't give me that "HE lost HIS mind because he was a tr*nny" or similar bullshit. If anything it would happen because smart people do that, lose their mind and die. So I should really, REALLY focus in enjoying every day. Infinite reminder to myself. May sound weird but openly speaking about my magical/supernatural/irrational thinking and my doubts about my identity or purpose help me a lot to keep them in check.

I'll be staying at home (back home) for a week or so, going to medical appointments, putting my university notes in order, hanging out with my parents and boyfriend, disconnecting for a bit in general. I think it'll do me good but I don't want to be at home with the laptop. At this point I'm 99% certain I'll relapse if I'm left alone with it, but I can't bring myself to ask my boyfriend to some kind of saudi guardianship. I mean I could, but I don't think he'll accept and it's also kind of a toxic dynamic. May do the trick for an emergency or two so I'll take it into consideration. 

I'm very new to your journal so the only things I really know are the past few pages. I apologize. My question for you is does your boyfriend know about your gaming addiction and also the gender transition you have been mentioning? 

Do you even like theater school? It sounds like something you sort of love, but also tragically hate towards the end of the day. Can you imagine yourself doing something in this field for the next 30+ years? The third paragraph almost sounds like a swan song, like you're preparing to die one day from insanity and unhappiness so you should enjoy your days as you never know what might happen. I don't know if I interpreted this correctly, but I don't think that's a healthy way to live. I think it sounds very stressful and could lead to you trying to balance out the stress with things like porn, fap, and video game release.

Once again I apologize if I misinterpreted anything you said on here. I just read part of the third paragraph and got a little concerned is all.

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