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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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3 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect

The spotlight effect is the phenomenon in which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are. Being that one is constantly in the center of one's own world, an accurate evaluation of how much one is noticed by others is uncommon. The reason behind the spotlight effect comes from the innate tendency to forget that although one is the center of one's own world, one is not the center of everyone else's. This tendency is especially prominent when one does something atypical.[1]

Research has empirically shown that such drastic over-estimation of one's effect on others is widely common. Many professionals in social psychologyencourage people to be conscious of the spotlight effect and to allow this phenomenon to moderate the extent to which one believes one is in a social spotlight.[2]

DAMN. What the actual hell. A whole load of this my man. Nail on head. Just wow. Thanks.

Note to myself: Read a lot about behavioral psychology.

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On 22/4/2018 at 9:33 PM, Piotr said:

Hi @Hitaru, how are things going?

Been a while friend! Quite nice so far, with the ocassional background anxiety pushing through but manageable under loads and loads of southern european lifestyle. And also things to do in an acceptably responsible way. A mix of these two things makes my heart happy and fulfilled. Still gotta polish and perfect the system though. The perfect mix of work (in something I like) and fun (in a relaxed, laid back way). The work of a whole life my man.

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Off-topic but kinda relevant for myself and my feelings: I feel myself maturing in my political thought, or rather in the mental/emotional background that lies behind the creation of political thought. This is instrumental towards a future communication strategy, so nice. Boring stuff to write about however. 

I struggle to manage the little bit of free time I have everyday to do productive things. I may have to resign myself to focus in one, instead of trying to push them all together at the same time. Actually isn't that what life is about? Making choices.

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On 4/21/2018 at 0:45 PM, Hitaru said:

info-gatherer Been sunny as hell here lately. Don't hesitate to spam me with suggestions to visit all over Italy if you feel like it or you remember. I'm making my custom map in Google Maps. Gamifying traveling as some sort of "open world unlocking places and taking pictures discovery adventure" makes it strangely nice. Like a scavenger hunt. Of places. Hm. Of course I'll try to also enjoy the feelings, of the experience of traveling, of nature... Not just, you know, checking places out of a map as if it was some sort of Pokémon Go (which I never played but always saw a bit silly). 

Well that’s not an easy question as it looks. I used to travel all over italy when I was a child, with my parents, but as a young adult I traveled mostly abroad. And, I never traveled that much in southern Italy (except islands: sicily and sardinia). I’ve been to Naples just once, for example. Public transport in south of Italy is just plain terrible, so the best choice would be to rent a car. Last year I’ve been to Salento (a sub-region of Apulia) and I really liked it. Check out Lecce and Gallipoli. It was the first time I could smell the sea again since when I started smoking. Also, the food is superb and cheap, and there’s a lot of art too if you like baroque architecture. The locals are simple folks and warmhearted, although too much interested in tourists’ money, and the great majority of them has low education. As a general rule, the more you venture into southern italy, the poorer the regions are (again, with the exception of islands, expecially sicily). Cultural differences are tangible: culturally speaking, I feel more at home in a european capital than in southern italy. Berlin is more similar to Tuscany (my region) than Tuscany is to the deep south. It’s a very different world, totally worth visiting, expecially if you have someone to show you around :)

edit: p.s. I may visit naples in the summer, I’ll send you a PM if that happens

Edited by info-gatherer
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@info-gatherer You can follow that same rule in Spain actually. Despite not being the average southerner (I don't get recognized as one sometimes by the people itself, though the people from the north easily tell me apart apparently), south feels like home. I was about to write about this the other day and now I got the chance again.

South of Europe is what I'd call home. With the poverty, crime, low education, close-mindedness and even being called a northerner, it still is home. Not in the sense of "ideal place for someone to settle", that one you can choose it. For me the term home works like family. You are born in it, and there are many things you don't like or conflict with you. It may even feel imposed on you sometimes. But at the end of the day, family is still family (not necessarily blood-related) and home is still home. You live with it. You may do with the place whatever you want or feel you need to do, take it or leave it, but it's always there, inside you. 

I would be much more 'comfortable' in a capital, with things to do, places to go and plenty of space in several meanings of the word to express myself, opportunities that I wouldn't have here (south of Spain, of Italy, Greece, etc). And I'm sure I'll be spending some time in cities. But I detest them man, on a spiritual level if that even exists. Here the atmosphere is relaxed, the people is warm, the climate is great, the food is to die for. It has charm, soul. And still works because there is something that passes as government, people still have jobs and routines and do their stuff, we are not in anarchy. So despite not being fully suited for the alternative, I'm still not an 'urban' person I guess. 

That said, cities in the north of Italy are a must go. I'll also check out your recommendations. I'm interested in Sardinia, not the usual destination, I'll try try to give it a look as well. True as death the transport thing holy shit. Also if we met, I'll probably have a weird mix of campanian-sicilian-spanish Italian accent lol. Just so you are informed. 

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Due to some daily life situation I'm too physically tired right now to explain (not that it was that relevant), I discovered I'm becoming better at reading the atmosphere and other people's emotions, something I was really falling behind with. Feeling quite content with myself, and a boost to my self-esteem. I'm also getting better at going with the flow while I'm doing something, but the moment prior and the moment after are still filled with pre-occupation (and "post-occupation"), as my trainer back in Spain would always say. Something to work at. Damn. Tiring.

Today makes 3 weeks I'm here. It's been tough and doesn't seem to be getting easier (nor harder). It feels like I'm about to go crazy at some times, yet somehow life continues. As always, I'm not sure if it's because I'm too afraid of the alternative (not being alive) or because there some hidden and unacknowledged resilience in my person beyond all expectations, specially mine. Didn't Shakespeare reflected exactly this on Hamlet's monologue? Didn't I mentioned Shakespeare before? On an unrelated note, it feels nice to give italian a break and be able to express more complex things. Also, have some really interesting statistics about how I've been feeling and doing, that I'll post at the end of this month. I'm curiously looking forward to it.

Spoiler

For reference:

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.

 

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On 4/25/2018 at 9:26 AM, Hitaru said:

and even being called a northerner

This one got me lol

Sardegna is a quite weird place, to be honest. Been there a couple times and it’s desolate landscapes over and over. Then, there’s the “vip” coast, Costa Smeralda (Porto Cervo is the main town). Never been there because I don’t own a yatch. As in the great majority of the south&islands in the past 20-30 years, tourism is the main source of money for the regions, that means that most of the infrastructures are built around it. Nature is very beautiful, a good place if you are up to some solitary exploration. Go get your sardinian bit of accent! Anyway, this is your journal, not a touristic guide, so I’ll stop spamming it xD Have a nice day

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I may have a better control on what is going on around me but my execution is still a fucking disaster. It's the second time this month that I create a big mess only with my poor choice of words. Not to mention the countless times when I worsen an ongoing one.

Words are crucial. I somehow believed that they weren't. It's not the same an "I" than an "us", a "could" than a "should", a "think" than a "believe" and so on. It sounds really stupid and basic. I know.

Not everyone will give me a second chance to rephrase. I have to goddamn stop. Stop and think. And thread. Carefully. Not in a damage control, condescending or coward way. Use less words. Use better words. Make them weigh. And count. 

This is probably one of the best, most important thing I can ever learn in my life. If I have this, I have everything. Words and actions. A perfect circle. Words backed up by actions reinforced by words. I wouldn't do a thing for the sake of doing something. I wouldn't walk randomly for the sake of moving my body (randomly is not aimlessly, which has its own term: to wander). Then why I catch myself saying things for the sake of speaking all the time.

It sounds really stupid and basic, but most basic things do. Until you do them wrong. Then suddenly they become the whole world.

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All my life I've been hearing that I worry to much. 

As if thinking or worrying was a symptom of a worse condition, present or developing deep down in my psyche. Thus this worry thing was always something to be avoided like the plague. This was the way to be, because the path to happiness had many forks, but always the same first step: "Stop worrying". 

And this mantra was so simple, so logical, so common sense. When you are with more people, there must be a general rithm to do and feel, a place and a time. I get that. I get that maybe it's not the brightest idea to start dancing on a plane crash site, or on a more common situation, to ruin the current mood by discharging a blizzard of the complete opposite thing over your improvised audience. 

Specially if the highest, mightiest goal of most of humankind seems to be to stop worrying. 

The good news are: That I've been learning exponentially to read the mood and that I've understood not everyone is doing the same thing at the same time. That's why if you want to dance you go to a party, in order to join a specific setting with specific people, who, on a specific time, share the same goal as you.

In games we freaking love temporary, time-bound events, like promotions, seasonal DLCs and so on. In real life, there's so much different shit going on at the same time, 24 hours a day. You can effectively custom make your life by choosing to participate not in one or a few events that the game sets up for you, but literally anything you want. 

(Even if, obviously, achieving some things can be much more difficult than others, while in games it's designed to reach everyone or have mathematically progressive difficulty). 

You can set your own rithm simply by doing whatever the fuck you want or need in the moment. Even if it's a responsibility you can set your own rithm by owning it, not getting by but reminding yourself why you took it in the first place. You can have control over the arbitrariety of life by embracing your own arbitrariety. If you want to speak, speak. If you want to dance, dance. If you want to be alone, write a novel, jump from a cliff into the sea, become an astronaut or take a piss, go and do it. Have your own rithm while being mindful of the rithm of the rest. You can run while others play an instrument. You can study while others hike the mountains. You can get wasted while others win the Nobel prize. You can find a whole crowd of people to do the same thing as you, or you can do it alone. All is equally good if it's equally intentional. 

- - - - - - - 

But the thing is, this rithm always came to me in the form of feedback. I never really listened to my own voice, I just listened to the diagnosis of others about how they were perceiving me and then tried to tune my feelings and behavior on the same, or at least a compatible frequency of everyone else. Non-stop. In this sense, I always had the sensation that I was perpetually behind, not learning with the goal to grow but to reach the standard.

But what if being concerned with something was my way of "being relaxed" and the actual effort was in order to go with the flow and join the rest in their nothing in particular? What if my biggest worry comes in the form of worrying about how I shouldn't be worried? 

Everyone is eating. They are talking about motorcycle insurances or any other daily life matter. I'm thinking about how would be the proper way of organizing any given ideology without relying on personal authority figures. 

Motorcycle insurance is an useful information, even if you don't need one at the moment you can learn and tell about it to someone else, even months or years later, who will in turn feel you are a knowledgeable person who understands their concerns. Or just help a pal with their damn insurance, I don't know. 

So in this way, it's not even like I'm thinking "Geez man look at these obnoxious peasants running their mouths while I'm working on the real stuff" since everything can be potentially useful. I may simply be different. Enjoy other things. Enjoy these other things way more than the average.

There's the issue that constant thinking and wondering and being in my world in general makes me exhausted. I (and everyone else around me) always thought this was a sign that I should simply stop doing it, or try to reduce it to its minimal expression. But maybe the easier way could be to incorporate things into my life to maintain a healthy state that encourages thinking, which apparently is the thing I like to do the most, because it's the thing I do most regardless of what is happening around me or how am I feeling. 

These things can be but are not limited to: eating well, in quantity and enjoyment, exercise, travel, do something unexpected from time to time, allow myself to be goofy and laugh honestly, have some alone for myself without worrying about what people may think. Knew a girl in theatre school who did just that. She was so involved while at the same time so mysteriously detached. An amazing aura to have around. Crushed heavily on her of course, applied my usual tactic of let it pass. Ah, life. She was a great role model. I'd like to be like her.

From this point on, I'm making a real effort to set my own rithm. Journey continues.

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On 27/4/2018 at 9:13 PM, Hitaru said:

I may have a better control on what is going on around me but my execution is still a fucking disaster. It's the second time this month that I create a big mess only with my poor choice of words. Not to mention the countless times when I worsen an ongoing one.

Words are crucial. I somehow believed that they weren't. It's not the same an "I" than an "us", a "could" than a "should", a "think" than a "believe" and so on. It sounds really stupid and basic. I know.

Not everyone will give me a second chance to rephrase. I have to goddamn stop. Stop and think. And thread. Carefully. Not in a damage control, condescending or coward way. Use less words. Use better words. Make them weigh. And count. 

This is probably one of the best, most important thing I can ever learn in my life. If I have this, I have everything. Words and actions. A perfect circle. Words backed up by actions reinforced by words. I wouldn't do a thing for the sake of doing something. I wouldn't walk randomly for the sake of moving my body (randomly is not aimlessly, which has its own term: to wander). Then why I catch myself saying things for the sake of speaking all the time.

It sounds really stupid and basic, but most basic things do. Until you do them wrong. Then suddenly they become the whole world.

Make it 4 times at the month's end. Some of the people here have started to think I'm doing it on purpose. The other spanish guy has been very polite and diplomatic and I don't want to test his patience further until he also gets mad at me.

I simply cannot shut up. I keep spilling unappropriate things one after the other. Ill-timed "jokes". I can't keep secrets, I can't determine when something is best to keep it for myself. This has poisoned everything around me and it's only going to get worse. What the fuck is going on with this believing myself beyond the situation all the time? Just what is wrong with me? It's so common sense, that even trying to explain how confused I am about it myself feels and it's interpreted as a victimist justification. As if I wasn't taking it seriously and was some kind of inside joke: "Oh well, look at me, I'm the first one harmed by this, it's just who I am boo-hoo please love me". I really don't know, I never know what's going on with this. I feel actually autistic. Not the meme meaning of the word used to insult someone on the internet. Actual, real autism. I know it sounds like an exaggeration and the exaggeration also looks like victimism. I wish there could be a way of let you guys know how worried and somehow scared I am.

Ok, I'm taking a step back. I don't understand how others process this, I can only imitate it, so I'm processing it my way and then let's see what comes up:

I feel constantly alienated from others and the sensation becomes worse when I'm silent. It feels as if I was about to disappear or be left unnoticed, as if I wasn't really there "as I am" (just existing, not saying or doing anything), so from time to time, I feel the need to say something. As a form of reassurance perhaps.

It feels like there's a wall of transparent glass between me and everyone else, in the sense that I can observe them but I cannot reach them in the same way they reach to others and even me. So I try to speak and in exchange of how they react I get feedback. But this is a really blunt way. I can't really connect the dots beyond "If I do/say X, Y would probably happen". I can understand I can hurt others and I'm learning about what things can cause this, but at the sake of messing up every possible time. I can make others happy, this one is way easier. Others can feel connection with me, this one I should not worry that much about it because it depends on them. I can understand the concepts of hurt feelings, boundaries and respect, even if I have to learn every individual case each time and by the wrong way. It's happened so many times, with so many different things, you wouldn't believe. It's emotionally exhausting to be the one at fault all the time.

What else... I feel as if this sensation of alienation was going to be noticed anytime, so in order to avoid it I try my best to blend in, behaving in a way I'm taught (thanks to this feedback) that is socially acceptable. Not that I would feel like doing socially unacceptable things if I had the option to choose, like strip naked and scream like a madman. I'm just waiting for this feedback all the time. For instructions on how to proceed, even for the simplest things. I also have a compulsion to tell the truth just because it's fact, and I'm not sure about how feeling remorse works. I feel remorse, but I'm not sure if it comes from being aware I caused an inconvenience or because I'm sad or scared about the negative view the person will hold about me. A mix of both with heavy leaning on the second one I'd say.

Is this autism? I know, it's laughable if I ask it like this. Probably cringy too. A "normal" person wouldn't have this thought, or wouldn't share it, because "normal" people either know how to behave or don't express what's going on their mind all the time, for a reason that I know is related to social norms and constructions, but I don't really understand as common sense in the core of who I am. Is this autism as well? It still sounds like a joke. It's serious for me.

In any case I still have to determine what to do now. I'm obviously being a nuisance here. I'm learning a lot but by doing so I'm hurting some strangers that don't deserve my stupidity (regardless of the inflated relevance I'm giving to their opinion because of this compulsion to be liked, I literally know them from 3 weeks). I already feel the subtle displeasure when I'm around. I've become my most feared kind of person: the awkward, cringy one whom you can't even begin to explain what is doing wrong, you just want them to go away. It has happened to me, I've been forcefully tossed and chained with this kind of people in the past (eg. in high-school) and I know how frustrating and infuriating it feels. I don't want to cause this and have in my conscience that every time they think about me, they'll relate it to this sensation. It's already happening however, and now I must accept it and react.

But if I return home is back to square one. Back to do nothing. Back to no future and no hope. Well, fuck.

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Nevermind what I said before, a friend who didn't know about what happened randomly sent this to me and cleared up some things:

5ae765f6ec545_246ecfb6-4be6-460a-85a4-34980a524bea-copia.thumb.jpg.4391090fda02b55cc8eabcb7a7fbbfce.jpg

Sorry person who did this, no advertisement of your memes here. But it was good man.

And here's mine for reference:

246ecfb6-4be6-460a-85a4-34980a524bea2.thumb.jpg.8691510babf3661c6ac8125d2e4fa103.jpg

Nothing that doesn't show up somewhere in this journal. Also if that owl thing is a reference to staying up late or having trouble to sleep, by all means yes. (?)

 

Case closed folks. I'm just weird. (This friend and I share some very special sense of humor, as you can see).

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Sounded way too romantic, yep :2_grimacing:

Today's been a little been better, but not that much. Feelings are settling down like that weird sand at the bottom of a turkish coffee (sorry for the trigger @Cam Adair). Also today I was supposed to be resting/working on Game Quitters but something very urgent and relevant came up. I'll tell about it if it goes well, for now I'm busy as I haven't been in a decade. 

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@Dannigan I'm reading and replying what you wrote later. Capacity of analysis quite low now. 

So this is what happened: Despite my awesome skills at pretending everything was as usual, I've been literally stranded out in the wilds the whole weekend. Well, not exactly in the wild, we were heading to a riverside camping zone as a first stop of a longer trip and then our car broke down a few meters before arriving. In Italy the government issued a 4 day period of holidays for the 1st of May, so we couldn't call anybody till Monday.

Spoiler

And only thanks to the mechanic taking pity on us, quite friendly and understanding in a very particular but mildly endearing southern -laid-back- way (?).

The related mistake was about me spilling the name of the driver without being asked even after agreeing on not saying anything (unless asked). I simply forgot about it when the actual moment of shutting up arrived. I keep forgeting things, trivial or important, from one second to the next. It's worrisome. Or maybe (surely actually) I'm just stressed and overwhelmed by all the things I suddenly have to remember.

It was quite the adventure, there were some friendly locals with us who were also camping, helped us a lot and it was a great intercultural, device-less experience. Nature makes you humble. Reminds you basic truths. Kubrick (also Sagan I think) said the universe is indifferent and this applies to nature as well. How can I express it... It feels like you have so much to lose if you die when you're used to live in a city (or big town in my case) with lots of shit. In the middle of nowhere, it feels like you are a natural (no pun intended) part of the process. Duh. Things live. Things die. No big deal. Some people find this enlightening, some find it frightening. I find it strangely reassuring despite the existential anxiety. This reassurance of "It's not a big deal", I have to seek it more; in more places, times and things. I know it. It's the right path for someone like me.

This for the weekend. During this week I was approached by what has pretty unexpectedly become my first client/recruiter for a translating job. Like, a real job. With money exchange involved. Me receiving money. The details are very satisfying if not awesome for a first job, for what I know about the working conditions of the young people around me (this means your mileage may vary depending on where you live; for me and my context are good). I don't want to speak much about it. I just want to finish, get paid and THEN celebrate in its appropriate journal post (?)

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On 2/5/2018 at 0:49 AM, Dannigan said:

Here are some negative distorted thinking processes that many people often succumb to.  Biased and distorted thoughts can happen really quick, and become automatic.  There is a way to counteract them by practicing how to become aware of them as they pop up.  Keeping a notebook handy wherever you go, and writing them down, also is a good method to raise your awareness, and to challenge mal-adaptive thoughts. 

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Filtering:  Seeing only the bad and ignoring the good.  You may single out a negative detail and dwell on it.  Ignoring any good things you have done.  You may see only your weaknesses and mistakes, and disregard your strengths and accomplishments. 

Over-generalization:  One negative event indicates the beginning of an endless negative spiral.  If you make a mistake, the whole project is a failure.  If you have difficulty with one friend, nobody likes you.

All-or-nothing thinking:  You see things as black and white with nothing in between.  You are either smart or stupid.  Happy or miserable.  There is no middle ground.

Catastrophizing:  In your mind, every small problem becomes a major disaster.  For example, after making one erroneous comment at a meeting, you think you made a complete fool of yourself, everyone at work thinks you are stupid and you may lose your job.

Labelling:  Talking to yourself in a critical way, calling yourself names like 'stupid' or 'a failure'.  You feel like these labels sum you up.

Mind reading:  You make the mistake of believing that you know what others are thinking.  It is about you, and it is negative. You end up reacting to what you imagine they are thinking, without finding their true reaction.

Personalization:  If something bad happens, it must have been your fault.  Other, more likely causes are ignored.

Sign me up for everything except the last two my man. 

On 2/5/2018 at 0:35 AM, Dannigan said:

Hey there

Let me approach this from  different angle.  I think social awkwardness is normal if you just started a new job and have only known these folks for three weeks.  I'm guessing this is a job?  Or school?

Give it time.  Most people are too self-absorbed to spend too much time thinking negative thoughts about you.  You're the new lamb to the fold.   Everyone including you is adapting.  That doesn't mean you are less of a person than any of them.  Also, you can't read their minds and know for sure if they hold a grudge against you.  

If this is a job situation maybe you can focus on mastering one aspect of your job.  To distract your mind.  

Each week, buy your coworkers a treat.  Whether that's a coffee or cookies.  These are small acts of kindness that most people do at work to build rapport, even if you feel it's been disrupted.  

There are actual stages to developing a cohesive group.  And if I recall correctly, there is an awkward stage wherein people push and pull and disagree.  Anyway be kind to yourself and focus on your tasks at work.  80% of what you wrote is outward focus on what other people think of you.  When in reality, I doubt they spend that much time thinking about you and how awkward you feel.  

P.S.  I found a link about group development on Wiki.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuckman's_stages_of_group_development

The thing is, we are living together aside from working together. Most if not all conflicts arise when sharing the time and space since the work is voluntary and not that relevant to our lives overall but the coexistence is considered to be part of the personal, intimate aspect of life that is being at "home", with your "own time". I consider myself in some kind of temporary, transient state while being here a thousand kilometers away from my actual home, but this doesn't necessarily apply to others. Some may bring their habits and ways everywhere else with them. Then conflict is bound to happen. 

I'm the youngest, true, but I'm also the most inexperienced by far since I was addicted to video games and my only previous experience living out of parent's nest was brief and disastrous. I fuck up plenty but some people have way less patience with me than others. One person in particular to be fair. We have developed this toxic dynamic in which I let myself be reprimanded all the time and while I'm learning, I feel I'm also not taken seriously to ridiculous degree sometimes. I feel this is my fault, I could have tried to pretend I had my shit together. Too late for that now.

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I still translate at a painfully slow pace. Which means I need a whole day to do what an average translator does on a normal work schedule. Which means I feel alienated and isolated. But anyway. I'll be feeling bad for a bit, then I'll get paid and improve. Then I may even be able to make a living from this. Then I may be able to work and travel at the same time. Then I may be able to... 

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Awkward moments of the month passed and were left behind. Now I need to stop worrying so I can project outside the sensation that they passed for me as well. Then they will really pass. Because if I keep behaving as if they weren't, in thoughts, actions, speech or "aura", in some way I'll be bringing them back again and again and it will be bothersome for everyone. Things really do pass. I have to believe it. Focus on the new things. Onwards to the second month.

Which reminds me of something I really wanted to show you guys, perfect moment now that I have like a thousand other things to do (?). Coming back in a bit.

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On 6/5/2018 at 6:43 PM, Hitaru said:

Awkward moments of the month passed and were left behind. Now I need to stop worrying so I can project outside the sensation that they passed for me as well. Then they will really pass. Because if I keep behaving as if they weren't, in thoughts, actions, speech or "aura", in some way I'll be bringing them back again and again and it will be bothersome for everyone. Things really do pass. I have to believe it. Focus on the new things. Onwards to the second month.

Which reminds me of something I really wanted to show you guys, perfect moment now that I have like a thousand other things to do (?). Coming back in a bit.

 

Time for some statistics.

As I mentioned before I've been tracking my moods and related activities by the hour. I've been doing this for two whole months so far. During March I was at home doing nothing, let's call it "Previous State". April I was in the project, "New State". Now, take a look at this: 

 

Spoiler

IMG_20180507_202811.thumb.png.dc52d29996d59d7beb47fac399c13131.png

Data from March. Previous State. 

Spoiler

IMG_20180507_202850.thumb.png.cd31ca37288721ca34d66d3c4c2fad7a.png

 

Data from April. Present State. First and last day are not bugs, I just coincidentally had a great and a shitty day. 

Speaks by itself. The first one was most probably how my moods and emotions worked during most of the detox, time here and probably my whole life, in the absence of "exterior stimuli", say, being doing something. 

Look it from this perspective as well:

Spoiler

IMG_20180507_203429.thumb.png.96afadb5e3fc3100ba9f764902adb983.png

 

March. 

Spoiler

IMG_20180507_203445.thumb.png.8fc2cc799ecdc890b9671458f08c6d3f.png

 

April. 

Now, despite the radical change in habits and activities, the number of "great days" has remained the same. This may be a coincidence, OR it may mean that great days depend less on me than the accumulation of external circumstances that make the day outstanding. 

The great change comes, of course, in the vast majority of "normal" days. I have effectively leveled up the standard of what means a normal day. This is my window of action. 

Spoiler

IMG_20180507_203346.thumb.png.eb88264fe9e4dceecc0c12647d3b7735.png

 

It also seems there's a daily tendency in which I have a good and immediately next less good day, in a cycle of "positive" then "negative". This cycle exists but I can control it by developing positive habits. Weekends have more chance to be cheerful and positive, for obvious reasons, but it's not set in stone due the external circumstances factor. 

 

- Other interesting data:

1. In both months my main input of positive moods depended by far in other people, either because I was socializing, spending time with my boyfriend or family, or working in a positive environment. For instance, almost every positive streak during March was my boyfriend saving the day. 

This in my opinion, must change. I should be my main source of positivity, and I can try to do this (improve at least) by doubling down on things that I can do by myself. For example:

- Enjoying good weather. 

- Eating good food and learning to cook. 

- Traveling. 

- Working on things that motivate me and/or on a focused way. 

 

- Conclusions:

Two years and half ago I said I had natural tendencies, streaks and mood swings. Even after the Detox, there's still an observable hint. When I let myself go this tendency goes out of hand pretty fast. Therefore I must make a conscious and constant effort to keep moving forward. This is exhausting, just to explain, and the source of most of my anxiety and panic. The feeling that if I ever stop for a second everything will come crashing down. Now it's not that relevant because there's not that much to lose. But what if I truly commit to a goal, will I also need to be forever on my guard against myself? There's no way anyone can or is actually withstanding that. Come on, almost all of the people I know simply live, they get stressed or angry or sad but are not that really able to dwell on it. Or maybe they are, even if they can't put it into words and graphs the way I do? If so, how do they do it? Why it seems so much difficult for me? It feels as if everyone had 4 arms except me, but the other two were invisible. I have to keep observing. Maybe I'm simply not that used to be around people to understand. 

In any case, there's a substantial and meaningful difference I can make just by working on myself. - - - 

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Today's section: Hitaru didn't learn his lesson about time and priority management.

I mean, shit. So many open things at the same time. Yes this short post is shamelessly written on the sole purpose of complaining. I'm trying to take it with humor, but my stomach doesn't. It has become kind of an inside joke here. 

- Currently on-going:

1. Game Quitters Forum Janitorial Über-haul (this one alone is madness already) and it hasn't even started seriously yet.

1.5. Game Quitters in Spanish.

2. Goals and Objectives of EVS (project that hosts me here in Italy, obviously the whole point is I need to do some stuff for them and theoretically also for me in order to 'learn', which I actually am for the most part. Takes up most of my day tho)

2.5. Considering making my own EVS (a too big to chew idea as well).

3. Normal daily running operations of a hostel: So far except once without guests but we have to keep it in perfect condition for when they come or someone else visits. Lots of cleaning and cooking.

4. Socializing and being a normal an integrated person: Includes traveling, which can consume whole weekends and spending time with mates and visitors use many evenings. Can't say I regret it, it's both rewarding AND working. Strangers wouldn't even be able to tell now I was actually a social retard.

3.5. + 4.5. Learning to do all the shit that I was supposed to know already for a 23 year old: Cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, not injuring anybody due to negligence, keeping a proper hygiene, sleep at normal times, all of this while not panicking on the spot. Which happens. A lot.

5. Pre-university studies studying: A personal project of mine. And I don't even mean University Entrance Exam, which is a whooole different topic.

6. Translating.

6.5. Learning italian, of course.

7. Free space for having other hobbies besides working and stressing the fuck out I guess.

7.5. Personal stuff still not developed enough to be worth telling.

 

I'm actually making progress on each, yet too slowly. I must prioritize but everything is important. Can't simply stop working in the project of this association, can't leave the translation, can't and won't leave Game Quitters and my studies. Can't become a hermit also, would be the worst option of them all in fact. I wish I just could have a break, a productive break, not just some time I'd spend sleeping and binging news and bs.

Damn, so this is the thing. This is what everyone talks about. This is what if you keep doing suddenly you wake up and 40 years have passed. And I'm not even forced to do what I'm currently doing.

There's a very small window of opportunity and western privilege while my mother provides. Beyond that I'd have to take a mind numbing job which would tire me so I'd not be able to focus on my passions. Then suddenly I'd enter into that spiral and lose any inch of control over my life. Then one day it'd be too late. I must study man, I must start with it, find my tribe and begin walking the walk. I must jump on my train already.

I still haven't solved the issue of what could I do when I return to Spain. Even if going back to my mother's were to be the only realistic solution, I shouldn't settle. There must be another solution. There has to be. I'm just not thinking far enough.

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Situation shifted to a greatly positive state. Everyone around me is proud of my change and apparently I've started to make people's life easier instead of harder. Not sure exactly of what am I doing differently but maybe that's the point. Mood is great despite the usual gloomy self-doubt and feelings of "Should be doing something else". Weather is also the best possible, bright sun with still a moderate breeze of mild cold air. Perfect time to spend long periods outside in the garden while working or just chilling. Happy days. Work is also advancing, at it's usual low pace. I really could use a team of people. Someday.

I expect things to remain like this for a while, so probably it'll take a bit more time to write again. Been writing a lot lately, not sure if a good or bad thing. For a while it almost really was a daily journal, huh. As always, I must not let my guard down in any case. The next fuckup is just waiting in the corner. Without being restless, I must live consciously.

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Panic returned for a while once the initial enthusiasm for my improvement ceased. Last night I collapsed and had to take the entirety of today to rest and work on my own things. I simply couldn't handle anyone. Now I'm feeling much better, even if I'm still busy, so I'm fairly sure I made the right decision. On one hand I'm sorry and worried about the people I might be bothering by this and perhaps future sudden swings. On the other it's my best try to manage it, so if someone doesn't understand, even if it's regrettable and painful I must keep doing things my way, the way that makes me proud and without regrets. I'm always bothered about being considered selfish, but the amount of times I've actually been called one isn't congruent with the 'precaution' I've been taking so far. I must not forget how stuck and scared I was and have been all my life. I was doing no one a favor by avoiding conflict. I try to try my best every single day. So, if from time to time and in a mostly unexpected way I need a break, then I need it and to hell with anyone who gets pissed off, which hasn't happened yet, but to have my own thougths clear on the subject just in case.

That said, I'm sure there has to be a more smooth way to handle stress and anxiety, since a cycle of background anxiety until breaking point doesn't feel that much 'natural'. My instinctual response is to 'speak my heart' more. I'm accepted here, I don't need to validate myself, so if I want to be alone, take a walk, read, do whatever thing, I should allow myself to. I have to 'learn to learn' what drives and motivates me, and if that was to be a bit separated from other people, or not that common, or shared, or easy, well, that's the way it's supposed to be. Not my fault being me. The thought needs some time to sink and be properly reflected on, so for now back to the more urgent and less existential stuff.

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Panic was mostly dealt with in a most painful way after hard days of working and procrastinating. The effort was fruitful, my first job is almost done!

Most of my panic or rather its triggers tend to involve some sort of fear of being missing/neglecting my purpose. I don't know how to express this in a way that doesn't sound embarrasing, but... it's a good thing. I'm finding myself. I can feel it. I have to clear up everything and focus. I did the right thing coming here. Everything much clearer now. Can't wait until it develops enough to grab it and make something, something meaningful out of it. Truly exciting, in its most hopeful meaning. 

Oh but it's also seasonal so I'll be feeling like shit for a while again in another 2 weeks and half or so. Nevermind. Long-term goal is the important thing.

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