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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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4 hours ago, Hitaru said:

I'll try to keep it in mind as much as I can while I battle the horrendous imposter syndrome 9_9

Like really, it was two nights ago when I was also going over it. I have an amazing love partner literally beside me when I was thinking this, an inspiring mentor (that's you @Cam Adair!), a supportive family, great friends, an awesome community and a life full of courage and overcome challenges. I mean, we live in the Age of Criticism and even I have the impression that I'm getting praise all the damn time. There's something I must be doing right, right enough to at least get a good night's rest. Why can't I just chill? It will be fine! Always better than when I was gaming at the very, very least. What the heck is so wrong with me that deserves this... contempt towards myself? 

You know, somehow I still feel like that scared, angry and impressionable wide-eyed child from too many years ago, listening to his father that had kneeled in front of him, words of the old man coming out his throat sore from whiskey, trying so unsuccessfully to conceal his satisfaction about how his son was declared "gifted" and, in some way, would never have a normal life. So, so special. 

I guess I didn't want to see it, the few times I noticed. Among university students, I was still a child. In front of soldiers, a child facing them. A naked young man, eyes and lips gleaming with lust, and a child trembling in shyness beneath him. God damn it. Always been like this. I'm experiencing life through the subconscious of a neurologically mature 6 year old. 

It

Hi it is important to grow up and to grow into a man. I am right now explore the meaning of it and listen and read material and books with that topic because in some way becoming a father makes you realize you need to grow the fuck up. This video could be interesting for you too thats why embedded it here.

 

 

 

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I've seen it. Death. 

We fell beside the other, comforted. He whispered words of love. I returned them in kind. They felt fake. 

Everything I say feels fake, fabricated.

Maybe that's why I want a career in politics? That's a side thought. I'm always sidetracking. And thinking about politics. Here I did as well and so I mention. 

I looked to the side like that woman of the ice pick with cold stone eyes. I thought it was not for me. This life. Not to be, not to end, not to stay still. [Made a lame character of collapsing lime?] A faker. I said, "That would be my form" [of love]. 

But his words felt real. So I craved for the blue once more, once again. His hands felt mine. His touch, not poking but caressing. It was there. I was. In the texture of his fingers I saw it. Like a sudden moment of 'Ah! (right!)'. So many useless thoughts so far, so sorry. Death was not a thought, not a theory. It was a feeling. A feeling of life, no, Life. "The great Realization" which comes after a relieved sigh. It was there with me. I didn't mind. 

- And what happens next? - asks the wide-eyed child. Someone drops a red blanket from the top of the catwalk. 

- Then... - the young woman starts; the blanket catching up with her. And by the time it's on the floor, there's no one on the stage, only faint footsteps and the flickering shade of fabric. 

___________________________

Sorry for this... thing. Had to write it down right away. I understand. It's a note to myself.

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Hi from the Netherlands! Soyboy land.

Problems seem to fade during holidays, yet the looming cloud of future responsibility is still there. Not that it worries me that much right now, I can stop being dramatic for a bit without falling off character (?) 

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13 hours ago, Hitaru said:

Hi from the Netherlands! Soyboy land.

Problems seem to fade during holidays, yet the looming cloud of future responsibility is still there. Not that it worries me that much right now, I can stop being dramatic for a bit without falling off character (?) 

Where is the picture of you and @Mhyrion! :D

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Happy New Year folks! 

There's been a pause in my journal due to: 1. Was returning/resting from travel, 2. In Spain is still holidays until 6th of January, so I went with the flow and took it easy.

That said, that rest was much more unhealthy that I intended. I spent some days in the famous couch doing nothing (also sick, but probably would have been healthy much earlier with a bit of effort on my part), actively avoiding taking strong action to get this new year rolling. Then yesterday my bf stopped by for a quick visit (btw, our relationship somehow survived the trip together (?)), we spent the night together and since we had to wake up early, I could seize the opportunity to shake off the grime. Cut my beard to comfortable but less badass standards (?) and also my hair, did some tasks I was procrastinating, ate healthy, had a nice day overall.

Aaaaand then my mother attacked my self-esteem with a horribly-timed comment and then proceeded to gaslight as usual. Having a family argument in Spain on the 5th of January is, culturally speaking, one of the greatest sins you can imagine, the lowest of low. Funny because she recognizes I almost never get angry, but sometimes I "fall off character". Then maybe could it be because I believe it's actually relevant for the core of who I am? Nah of course not, it must be I love to quarrel, despite almost never doing it. Odd, huh?

She asked for "just a little bit of peace" and truth be told, the situation at home has worsened while I was away. My grandma is completely out of it, barely functional and it's going to get worse. That will lead to at least a serious economic burden, since the emotional implications of my grandma becoming dependent are never adressed, as nothing emotinal is ever adressed in my home. But the money is a bad thing enough. In fact money is also never addressed as well. We had a rough time with my father when I was growing up, so now sitting down and making sense of the numbers fills my mother with an irrational dread. She just prefers to spend until we run out, then borrows from my grandma's savings and pension (she's legally allowed to), then rationalizes it as a "compensation" for having her at home. My uncle of course would argue otherwise, but an arrange was made and there was a statu-quo. If we have to hire a helping hand, this situation falls down completely. That, or I mortgage my future as an improvised caretaker. My posture is clear: I will not burden myself (and in the future will not burden my family) unless there is any other option. So, a helping hand it is.

Apparently in all this there's no time for my mother to invest 5 minutes a day in verbally supporting my identity, so I'll have to do it myself. And get a job. Me getting a job is a fucking meme in this journal, but I'm reaching that point that I wanted to avoid where life pushes me and not the other way around. Shit, I quit games precisely to not reach this point. And shit, I just knew the moment I was the slightest ready for taking the next step (and of course I'm not even half-ready) the same life would pull this damn prank on me. Someone mentioned the finnish concept of 'sisu' before. So sisu be it. She'll have her peace. Much more than she expects. Count on it.

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There's been a pause in my postings. This was because several factors:

@Regular Robert gave me some interesting insights which led me to try to take it easy for a day at least... And that day was disastrous. Literal hand-shaking anxiety. It's no secret that my working habits are currently crap. And ironically, they are crap because I don't have hobbies right now. And I don't usually hang out with friends. So yeah Robert, you opened my eyes man. I can't quit Game Quitters completely and cold turkey but I need to improve my afk life freaking pronto. For me and for "us". 

These days after coming back to travel have been shit. I even played a bit of the same game I played the last time. But meh, I could clean up my bullshit and I'm ok now. Somewhat. 

HOWEVER, in that same "professional" field, things are going good. In the romantic aspect as well. You get back what you invest in, you could say. So nice. 

No more rambling. I'll just get my life in order and report back.

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Saddest day of the year was quite meh for me in both ways. Not so sad. Currently working on the "organizing my life" part. Optimist prospects.

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Hi again!

The Good: I'm sorting myself out. I bought a Passion Planner (thanks again to @burn-x for the recommendation!) and it's quite well made, it has potential. If done right, this will be a great year. A very organized one at least! I am certain that I can do what I have in mind for 2018. I don't mean it as self-back patting and that's what makes it so exciting.

The Bad: I feel flailing in my commitment of living my life game-free. Last night I played some (a whole night actually) of Spore after watching a gameplay video in Youtube. Was I as happy and entertained as my brain convinced me I would be? Not really. But I did it anyway. Despite not being that fun, the anxiety of writing this, recalling the experience and handling life in general is giving me the cravings. I can clearly see that it's not a normal want, just fancying some games. It's a brain response to a need of forgetting about this anxiety I permanently suffer in a background noise manner. Playing in order to relieve stress, and get fun as a by-product; not playing in order to have fun, and relieve stress as an extra. That is the whole point of why I cannot play games, in moderation or whatever. It's great to have it so clear in my mind, honestly, and it makes it easier to manage, but I'm still troubled. And it doesn't give the best image for the Game Quitters brand having a Community Manager that plays games. I have to make this work.

The Ugly: My panic is getting worse. My hands shake, my chest burns. I think I'm reaching the point of maximum resistance, which leads me to procrastination, paralysis and The Bad. In a weird way of seeing it, the more resistance I find, the closer I am to getting things done, given my nature.

 

I have realized, perhaps thanks to the habit of constantly repeating it to others (?) that it's not about video games themselves, anymore. When I arrived here two years ago (my goodness), the concept was very simple: "Either I quit, or my life is over". The execution of this concept was the hard part, I made it and I couldn't be happier about it. While I was in immediate recovery, read detoxing, I was of course restless about the future, but there was an urgent priority which was finishing the 90 days, take my mind and body out of games, so on. Then there was an urgent priority of traveling, putting myself away from home and bam, there was I in the Sahara desert. From that point on, things in general just happened. And it was good, don't misunderstand me.

But... there's still the lingering problem. The 'noise' I mentioned earlier. And it's basically fucking up the experience of everything else. Messing with my work, my relationships and my wellbeing. And shit, it's tough, this. Honestly yes, I'm scared as fuck and I'm not sure how to proceed, and I'm much less sure that I can handle it by myself. Will I need to go to a psychologist? Take pills? I'll do everything in my power to not reach that point, but I'm not sure how my state of mind ends and my state of "brain" begins, know what I mean? It's not just being sad or bored or unorganized. In the moments were I'm the happiest is when I feel "worse", more intensely. That's not normal. Maybe it's truly genetic, as some people have other things. I'll make my homework about it. My quest continues.

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On 18/1/2018 at 10:33 PM, Shine Magical said:

The secret to staying game free is to be uncomfortably busy 

Damn right.

Hasn't been good, but I'll be alright starting tomorrow, spanish hour. Sorry for the impasse. 

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Better mood; "relapse" report later. Been feeling awful. Will make an extra push to do what I intended today, and call it a day. I can get over this.

I have the impression I've been more assertive with who I am. It's... subtle things, but I'm proud of it. Not sure how to explain. Or maybe I am, but it's still embarrassing. Ah, insecurities. 

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As a certain British person I don't particularly like said: "If you're going through hell, keep going".

Relapsed myself immediately, but as with all things in life, shift gears and look ahead! Looking forward to the report, I think it's always good to write things down, for yourself or to share an experience with others. It's putting words and rationalising a feeling that would go undescribed and ignored otherwise.

I personally see assertiveness (when it isn't excessive) as a transition from focusing on what others think of me to what I think of myself, and what I want to be. You don't let others (and your own emotions!) define who you are what you do!

Good luck man, keep pushing and get through this, there's always good stuff ahead!

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On 22/1/2018 at 4:05 PM, Hitaru said:

Better mood; "relapse" report later. Been feeling awful. Will make an extra push to do what I intended today, and call it a day. I can get over this.

I have the impression I've been more assertive with who I am. It's... subtle things, but I'm proud of it. Not sure how to explain. Or maybe I am, but it's still embarrassing. Ah, insecurities. 

That day was successful, and things have been slowly, very slowly, getting functional at least. Relapse report done, you can check it here. It feels incomplete, but it's a good start. Shit I really need to start taking it seriously. And I really need to take seriously stop taking it so seriously, you know what I mean? Become an embodiment of flow. I can do it. I know I can.

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I read your summary and I see, that although you did some things wrong, you're still making progress.

You're consistent in what you're doing bro. Just channel your young energy into things that are basically better for you. Like a new hobby you want to find - try still new things to explore the world and your own passion :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I pulled off a @Cam Adair level of manifestation and met a luthier by pure coincidence at the gym today. There's a chance that I can both buy an new violin and fix the old one for future sale. Life's magic folks.

On other topics work is exciting and social life is thrilling. Back at the crest of the wave. It's now the time to do the things I know I have to do to stay there.

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Hey! Today is a bad day for me. I read your “relapse” post and I felt like I was in your exact same spot. Then I checked your journal and... you’re feeling well again! Your life is moving on! It’s been only 3 days and it looks like you’re doing very good. You gave me strenght and confidence. Maybe 3 days from now I’ll write the same things you wrote in your last post. Thank you very much.

As a side note, maybe it’s just that you’re fluent in english and I am bad, but when I read your posts I have a feeling that you’re very good at writing. I really enjoy reading your stuff.

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33 minutes ago, info-gatherer said:

Hey! Today is a bad day for me. I read your “relapse” post and I felt like I was in your exact same spot. Then I checked your journal and... you’re feeling well again! Your life is moving on! It’s been only 3 days and it looks like you’re doing very good. You gave me strenght and confidence. Maybe 3 days from now I’ll write the same things you wrote in your last post. Thank you very much.

As a side note, maybe it’s just that you’re fluent in english and I am bad, but when I read your posts I have a feeling that you’re very good at writing. I really enjoy reading your stuff.

I'm fluent in normal conversation you could say, then I read an actual book written in English (by a native, not a foreigner) and it's like "Well, crap". So much vocabulary, that I can understand but can't remember for use later.

I'm sure you will man. These things pass. They'll pass either you give up or not, but if you give up it'll only take longer. So don't. Focus in getting it right asap, and don't be too hard with yourself. You can do this!

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On 1/31/2018 at 10:59 PM, Hitaru said:

I'm fluent in normal conversation you could say, then I read an actual book written in English (by a native, not a foreigner) and it's like "Well, crap". So much vocabulary, that I can understand but can't remember for use later.

I'm sure you will man. These things pass. They'll pass either you give up or not, but if you give up it'll only take longer. So don't. Focus in getting it right asap, and don't be too hard with yourself. You can do this!

The last few paragraphs really nailed it!!!

Keep it up!!!

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I relapsed heavily, I consider this to be the first serious relapse since I quit a year and a half ago. I'm not sure what to think and probably is because I'm still in the middle of it. 

 

Things at home reached event horizon. My grandma's mental state is terrible, and hiring a caretaker has become urgent. This means no more travels or interesting stuff for me until I earn it on my own. 

I'm also uncertain about this. It may provide the final incentive I need to start doing things, or it may work the opposite way, providing a reason to keep stuck at home since "I can't pay for it anyway".

God and specially you guys know I didn't want to put myself in this place. I had all the time in the world to actually prepare for this, and of course got caught with my pants down. I had all the time of the world, all my puberty and adolescence to learn useful and cool skills, and cultivate friendships. And what did I do? Play video games. I'm still doing it, right fucking now because I can't emotionally cope with the situation. And the more I do, the less I'll be able to, and so on, so on. See, this is the kind of downward spiral that makes me afraid of things like (my own) death. It makes me feel cornered, as if a deterioration of the situation was by all means unavoidable. Which it is, in a way. I don't get it. How do you play "to lose"? How do people do that? How do people know about it and carry on as if nothing, generally being supreme assholes to each other? Or maybe precisely because of that?

I passionately despise how this universe works. In a strategy game, I push some buttons, pixels blitzkrieg Pixel Poland and that's it, I can take a rest, go grab a soda or some shit. That's my style. That's how I like doing things. I was born with a brain who loves to do things this way. Pragmatically and progressively. Strategically. Focused on ends rather than means. Anything else is hostile and oppressive. It's torture. You give a person something, fill their ears with promises of what they can do with that something, then snatch it away at any random moment, or after a painful decay. And the guy is aware of the process all the time. Well, that's it, that's life, and it works like a fucking procedure in Guantanamo.

Every time I express myself like this, I cannot help to think everyone's gonna laugh at me or find it ridiculous. Because it's something so basic, so natural, so factual, so damn real and indisputable that, what's to talk about it, really? It simply is. People don't seem concerned as I do and that makes me feel alone and stupid. Some are probably avoiding the conversation because it triggers them as well, but then, how do they do it? 

From my perspective, I can only see one difference. People are out there doing shit. I'm not. That makes me the loser, the one in the wrong, the wrong one.

I thought focusing all my strenght in doing shit would place me along the "People who do shit" group, and it would be easier to cope. But I'm missing something, and this something is sabotaging all my efforts in everything else. Was it a responsibility? I already have it: Game Quitters. Was it a special someone? I already have it, and he's lovely, not trophy lovely but really amazing. Was it new experiences? I collected a bunch of them in the time I've been without games and they were a game-changer for me. 

Why is it not working then? What am I doing wrong, I wonder? Maybe I don't function like the rest of the people and the usual comforters work differently in me. I mean they are absolutely great, and my life would be much worse without them (specifically in the brink of suicide, as I started this journey), but why the fuck am I still not "functional"? That should be the first step, and yet it feels as if I got the roof tiles before the cement. 

 

I'm doing a great job at rationalizing it, but the truth is my emotions are in complete disarray rigth now. I have not the slightest idea, notion or intuition of how to escape, adress, manage or tackle this problem. And I mean, not a single bit. That worries and discourages me, because I fear tomorrow it will be the same. And the next day. And the next. I've never felt this particular kind of hopelessness either. I'm not even complaining and victimizing right now. I'm just lost man.

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This relapse made me think and face a problem you may have noticed, that I noticed for sure and has been a constant since the beginning of this journal.

 

I quit games, that was a success. I did great stuff that people complain about not doing all the time: Travel, meet people, get a romantic partner, do cool projects, etc.

I am living example that I have all the tools for recovery and yet, something's still not working. I learned that it's not only about your actions, actions alone can get you out of an emergency but they don't work in the long run. In the late game, it all becomes about your mindset.

If you read through my journal, you'll notice how I'm a pragmatic sort of guy. I like results, don't put too much thought on what I think or feel in the sense that I don't make a real effort to change them, but rather analyze and seek what I can do thanks to them when they are good or in spite of them when they are bad, which seems to be slightly more times than the former. And so I can manage without games, but my daily life hasn't improved significantly since I quit. Just ups and downs, with good things happening on a whim or good mood streak and then long periods of mediocrity and funk.

This shouldn't be like this. It's not the kind of life Game Quitters promotes. It's not about being happy all the time, that's impossible. But it's not about the life I'm living either. 

I'll be honest with you. I quit, I read Respawn and Challenge but didn't really apply the concepts, and this was a huge mistake. Also, every time @Cam Adair spoke about feelings, I would think: "Yeah right, that's good and all but... (it's not for me)". I simply quit and clenched my fists until I built the habit of not playing games. But I didn't really move on. The next step is lacking.

And what's more, for what I read in the journals, I bet the majority of you did something similar as well.

And this may work for some of you, but the truth is, the majority of us are struggling much more, specially in the long term, than we should. And it's all because we're not truly focusing on the basics, because we don't consider them as basics in the first place.

So I guess the right thing to do is to take a step back and start again, so to speak. I'm putting this journal on hold for the time being, opening a new one tomorrow. I'll be more specific, reporting my progress with Respawn (and probably Challenge after that). My first deadline is the 3rd of March, when I'm taking an exam (details about it on second part of entry).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

So of course, 14th of February, capitalism knocked at my door, and it was this:

5a84a69a94c27_WhatsAppImage2018-02-14at12_48_03.thumb.jpeg.cc9a01f7f8faad5a87057684346245e7.jpeg

Soviet Union's most loved! Gulags were well worth this cute little thing. (?)

 

There was even a cheesy note attached. Now, while recovering from the sugary ictus, it came to me this kind of support is literally giving me life. I'm so damn grateful for it. I can make this work man, I have everything! I'm certain now. I play games because I'm afraid. No more. I can manifest my will and vision into the world without it being a complete disaster. I am not a wrong person. I can be loved for who I am because since it's happening now, it already happened at some point of my life, time and space. I am not inadequate, and my ambitions aren't either, there is proof of it already. So, I will do what I want. No matter how hard or scary, or what other people say. And that's it.

The first step will be to have some money, and for that (and also for the ego) I'm taking the next English exam. Last one was a huge success, this one is something else, really hard apparently. I'm worried but not afraid. This is C2, what real translators take to be recognized as such. Can't wait to have it in my pocket. 

Also, the new violin was already ordered, so I'll be having a new hobby real soon, probably next week. I'll come up with more ideas to keep my computer usage to the minimum, only to Game Quitters and "professional" purposes only. Also I'm not sure if I mentioned already, but I took back going to the gym.

Nothing of this will work without the right mindset and emotional state, I know that already, and for that I'm taking a detox again, to rework and rewire. I cannot say it will go perfect (I can be without games fairly easily now, I mean do the next level work), but I have to try. There's literally nothing else to do with my life than to live it with dignity.

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Violin is on the way so I'll have a new hobby pretty pretty soon, wish me luck! Because I worry I won't dare to take it seriously and make excuses but at the same time I feel super committed to it. Don't know, don't know, I'm anxious about it. I'll see how I feel when I have it between my fingers and work my emotions from there. 

Still working on Respawn as well, next reports coming right away. 

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