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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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On 27.11.2017 at 3:34 PM, Zala said:

I hate being a party pooper but: Who pays your bills&food during the time you are trying to create a job?

Hi Zala, good question!

Food: You can go out in nature and collect wild herbs and eat them raw. They have tons of amino acids (to build muscles) and minerals. They are more healthy then all(!!!) the food in the supermarket and all the crap like pasta, pizza, bread, milk, cheese, meat, fish, cakes, candies, white sugar, industrialized food with preservatives and a lack of nutrition.

Accommodation: You can go to friends, live there and help them. You have fun together. Win-Win-Situation. Or you could go to a warm place, living in a tent. There are thousands of possibilities.

Clothes: It is not necessary to buy them because many people in the western society (the most people I know and I) have already so many clothes that they are sufficient for the rest of the lifetime.

Traveling: There is a German guy (and I guess many others), who traveled around the world with no money.

So, which bills?

Of course this is extreme and I do not live this way, but I could. And I would be perfect fine with this. And I think it is better than to have a 40h per week job just to pay the bills and which is far away from the life purpose.

But there could be an intermediate way. Having a job, which is not so interesting, but working only half time. Or working one year full, saving the money and then doing the things you want and finding your real life purpose.

Needing money is a limiting belief. Do not get me wrong. I love money and I live in a nice apartment. But do I need it? No, definitely no.

Edited by Megaman

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@Zala You must know of Into the Wild and the story of Christopher McCandless. If you ever do what he did, bring a map with you at least! 

Edit: (I meant @Megaman)

@Cam Adair Haven't you noticed? The list is in chronological order and not by priority! :D

If I had to say, the Top things of the year so far are:

1. Meeting Cam.

2. Meeting my bf.

3. Trying to get into the military and get my shit together. 

I'm putting Cam higher in the list since meeting him could have a bigger impact in the world than me just being happy, though that's arguable, since if I'm happy I could deliver a bigger value in whatever I do, and that thing may be great for other people. As @Regular Robert said, my shift came when I recalled entering a relationship, so maybe I'm just holding back my feelings as a defense mechanism...?

 

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5 hours ago, Zala said:

@Megaman I didn't want to litter Hitaru's diary with my long answer. So I just posted it in my diary.

Oh yes and go Hitaru!! B|

Oh please, it's great when other people post and and create so much needed breathing breaks between one existential wall of text and the next.

-------------

About the Armed Forces: There's a extraordinary selection process starting in December, and then an ordinary one probably in March. It's a hassle but let's be real, I'm am physically ready (at 90%), and the other tests? I'd just need to bury my elbows in "puzzles" again. It's not the big deal I'm making it be. All the problem comes because:

1. I don't have a healthy daily routine and activities so every day I'm not reaching my end-goals feels like hell on earth. I don't have hobbies, I don't do anything, only oversleeping and then spending my day between here and preparing my entrance process. I'm clearly not enjoying the ride and only focusing on the destination, and this is clearly a bad attitude. 

2, I was expecting to enter asap to finish asap and study and travel asap because I feel I need to all this shit between 30 because my "youth" is coming to an end and urrrrgh!

Because there's a rift in me between "Seriousness" and... let's call it "Adventure". Like two opposite natures competing between each other to settle as my main spirit:

- The military, studying at Uni, getting a steady job, helping out mom and living independently, reading, creating a family... these kind of things fall in my serious mindset.

- Traveling, writing lewd texts, exploring my sexuality, having hobbies, living adventures with friends, becoming a Buddhist monk... these are adventures. 

The problem is my staunch belief that adventures have a strict time limit. Specifically 30. Specially my sexuality exploration. But at the same time I can't put developing my serious life on hold just because I didn't have a proper puberty/adolescence to fool around and make mistakes. That time was lost, I squandered it, fuck me. Of course my other side puts resistance. Then I do nothing. Fuck. Me. What a mess.

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On 29/11/2017 at 7:40 PM, Laney said:

Why can't you do both? Adventures and serious!

Because I'm a perfectionist and want to devote a lot of time to each thing individually instead of pushing them forward all together but slowly? Because it's actually an excuse to avoid doing anything and live instead in a state of constant panic and disappointment?

---------

I've mostly decided to take a second try on the exam, which will delay the whole thing by half a year (if successful). That means I can't keep this current mindset. I need to enjoy life AND take care of my future, whatever future, at the same time. I can't keep waiting to reach an imaginary standard of normalcy to start living, I need to get up and get it. That said, I need to make preparations for my next now imminent travel and God damn I'm procrastinating it like a pro. It's killing me inside. Ah, where did all those good vibes from Peniche go? Please come baaaaack...!

Thinking hard about it without all the internal resistance I'm facing to avoid getting the thought formed up in my mind, there is only one thing that I feel I need to do that would probably be incompatible with the military. Only one. Is it what is delaying the whole thing? I want to think that's not the case, I would feel really stupid. But in the end I know the truth. I will give another bold pull at the lever, and crazy things shall happen again. If I dare.

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Real spiritual maturity is not about becoming a serious adult, but reembodying the playfulness, detachment and curiosity of a child.

Taking yourself seriously? Bah, that's easy. In fact it's ego's favorite game.. Not taking yourself seriously? Now we're talking. This is where the freedom and the wonder lie.

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13 hours ago, thehondasc00py said:

Real spiritual maturity is not about becoming a serious adult, but reembodying the playfulness, detachment and curiosity of a child.

Taking yourself seriously? Bah, that's easy. In fact it's ego's favorite game.. Not taking yourself seriously? Now we're talking. This is where the freedom and the wonder lie.

Great post. Right now I am working on this. My life is getting better and better. I have also a book recommendation for the people who are interested in: "Healing your aloneness" by Erika Chopich and Margaret Paul. It is about working with the inner child and the inner adult and the equilibrium between both, which means an equilibrium between the right and the left side of the brain.

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3 hours ago, Megaman said:

Great post. Right now I am working on this. My life is getting better and better. I have also a book recommendation for the people who are interested in: "Healing your aloneness" by Erika Chopich and Margaret Paul. It is about working with the inner child and the inner adult and the equilibrium between both, which means an equilibrium between the right and the left side of the brain.

Might read it ;). Won't make promises yet, Books and Hitaru still go awkward together. 

Got a new phone and sadly departed my trusty old one; the substitute is one of these last-gen monsters (not the +1000USD kind, I'm neither crazy or rich) and as a kind of social experiment went crazy with synchronizing everything and say yes to all sort of add-ons. May end a clusterfuck or I may have taken the first step towards having an empire on my hand. I was suspicious already, but it's confirmed, I'm turning into a fucking normie. This device reeks of african children scratching discarded cobalt, but may come very handy, for many years I hope. 

Travel in two days, luggage insufficient, trouble assured. Sigh. Low cost bullshit. 

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On 11/27/2017 at 8:38 PM, Hitaru said:

7. Went through the Beyond program (and met @Mhyrion, who has become a sibling figure/kindred spirit to me)
 

Aka as favourite(?) lurker.

Have fun on your trip!

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- Currently in Belgrade, leaving today. Been fine. Unfortunately there's been little time and less internet connection to be able to be productive. That makes me feel restless. On a side note, I may or may not develop a new interest for photography. 

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Currently in a small serbian village. The lack of internet turned into some serious shit. Apparently this is intentional to enhance the experience. I feel restless without being in touch with the community for the first time in two years, and there's a delayed article for Cam I need to work at (or rather work out), so I haven't been able to really relax. Ah, the workaholic genes. Or the overthinking genes. On the other hand, we're experimenting teamwork building, so there's a good chance for me to observe some real group psychology applied, and that can only bring good. And of course I'll do my best to make some contacts among youth organizations. European Commission  money getting involved in our cause would be great news. 

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So, before my life can advance any further, I must make a new decision. 

I was offered/advised to dive deeper in this youth exchange program infrastructure. What does this means? 

I could form my own group of people (Aka informal group or team) either here in Spain or abroad, propose a project and if approved, host it, again in my hometown or somewhere else, expenses of such project covered by the EU (I still would have to pay up for my own travels and stuff). Of course I had this light bulb moment in my head in which I pictured myself making a project about video game addiction which would help people, promote leadership and action and get attention from institutions. And actually, I've been told by several project organizers that this would be an awesome, feasible idea. 

You noticed, right? Communication in English? Traveling on a constant basis? Speaking about gaming addiction? Bureaucratic big talk? 

It suits me. It's very probably what I've been asking for. 

It would require to be a 24/7 thing. Training, learning, applying to projects and formation, making my own, going to them, doing my job as community manager... The two things, projects and Game Quitters, would complement each other much better that military and something else. Anything I'd learn in one thing I would apply it in the other (I already come with a few tricks from this project for example). And I could cut the crap and bullshit of "Eww so sorry @Cam Adair, I couldn't finish that simple article because I was sooo busy with something else I'm not really sure I want to do" (actually I don't know what the fuck to talk about resilience, but the ignorance block lead to procrastination for sure). Instead, wake up every morning, grab some breakfast and some wifi, and work to get this through with nothing else to worry about. The projects, the community both in English and Spanish, everything. The more I think about it, the more right it feels. 

The issue is, I would need to renounce to what I'm doing now, and any chance of income in the short term. And keep living in my place for the time being. I'm afraid that will kill all my initiative and enthusiasm, and I'll be stuck again in the dark hole of nothingness and drowning in the couch (which to be fair is also my fault). So much that in fact, I'm staying at my bf's place to make this decision with a clear head, away from the dark atmosphere of home. 

However for the whole week I've been hearing that "If an idea is good but doesn't lead you anywhere, is not working". The military is a smart move. But it's not working. I've been doing it despite myself. Journal posts for reference. I've been doing it for the money, almost out of desperation, and usually that never works.

But who knows if this isn't this the excitement of the new thing to distract me from the old one?

- Projects:

* Related to what I'm already doing in Game Quitters. 

* Exciting, suits my preferences and what I like to do. 

* Useful for further career in public speaking and social movements/work in associations, political parties and any kind of organized groups. 

* I learn about social issues, exactly what I want to learn about. 

* Make friends and network. Friendly environment. 

* Will make me grow through inspiration and connection. 

- Will be a vulnerable, weak pussy, but a smart one. 

- Toxic home environment will need to be addressed somehow or I'll lose my motivation. 

- I'll need a way to earn money. 

- Military:

* Gives a salary and a place out of my toxic home environment. 

* I'll feel proud of myself. 

* If I don't do it now, I'll be called a pussy later. 

* Hostile environment will make me tough as nails, and people will be aware of this. 

* If I need people for a coup, or bodyguards, I'll know where to ask. 

* Will make me grow through hardship and challenge. 

- No chance to improve soft skills. 

- May not be compatible with anything else. 

- High chance of being emotionally overwhelming.

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The decision practically took itself. I'll be devoting this week to see the viability of this new plan. Since I've stopped working out and eating correctly I feel kind of upset inside my own body, I'll fix that as well. There's a few things I need to do and then I'll be much less stressed, then I'll be able to put some emotional weight to my direction. For some reason I find myself... uncomfortable. As if standing on a dangling rope. 

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I had the talk with my mother about this new development and she initially agreed to provide me with a starting "salary", until I start earning money on my own, which should happen on a middle-term (actually I don't know when would that be, but let's say... two years from now at most?).

This is important. The situation would be kind of the same, being provided by her, but having an amount of money to consider "my own" will erase a lot of anxiety from me (that's the plan). It'll allow me to stop asking for menial things, and therefore giving most explanations, thank God. Now I can freely buy courses, or order that much needed "professional-looking" photo for my profiles, or invest in bitcoin, whatever, really (I'm not falling for the bitcoin meme, but you get what I mean and it's glorious). So, let's say that I'm officially employed. Self-employed.

[I can't shake off the feeling that I'm privileged as fuck and that I'll be harshly criticized for my beginnings in later years, but what else can I do? Such are things, I have to make most of it. I was born in a rich country, in a mid-class family. I didn't choose the opportunities, but it's my moral responsibility to seize them and provide value, for the sake of a better world than what I first found. Makes sense?]  

Now, it will be really easy for me to overlook this fact and keep having a crappy life, so I'll need a routine. With working hours. And leisure hours. Like a /norm/ balanced person. This is where I struggle, I tend to get engrossed, stressed and block myself then do neither work nor rest. Bad strategy. With this small new income, I'm hoping I'll be able to invest in hobbies again without having to explain or feel bad. I just need the habit of taking action.

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1 hour ago, Hitaru said:

[I can't shake off the feeling that I'm privileged as fuck and that I'll be harshly criticized for my beginnings in later years, but what else can I do? Such are things, I have to make most of it. I was born in a rich country, in a mid-class family. I didn't choose the opportunities, but it's my moral responsibility to seize them and provide value, for the sake of a better world than what I first found. Makes sense?]  

 

Makes sense!

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12 hours ago, WorkInProgress said:

Makes sense!

+1

Remember @Hitaru that I too come from a similar background of privilege, but I've always just tried to do the best I can with the opportunities I had to pay it forward to others who haven't had such a fortune - pun intended.

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15 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

Remember @Hitaru that I too come from a similar background of privilege, but I've always just tried to do the best I can with the opportunities I had to pay it forward to others who haven't had such a fortune - pun intended.

I'll try to keep it in mind as much as I can while I battle the horrendous imposter syndrome 9_9

Like really, it was two nights ago when I was also going over it. I have an amazing love partner literally beside me when I was thinking this, an inspiring mentor (that's you @Cam Adair!), a supportive family, great friends, an awesome community and a life full of courage and overcome challenges. I mean, we live in the Age of Criticism and even I have the impression that I'm getting praise all the damn time. There's something I must be doing right, right enough to at least get a good night's rest. Why can't I just chill? It will be fine! Always better than when I was gaming at the very, very least. What the heck is so wrong with me that deserves this... contempt towards myself? 

You know, somehow I still feel like that scared, angry and impressionable wide-eyed child from too many years ago, listening to his father that had kneeled in front of him, words of the old man coming out his throat sore from whiskey, trying so unsuccessfully to conceal his satisfaction about how his son was declared "gifted" and, in some way, would never have a normal life. So, so special. 

I guess I didn't want to see it, the few times I noticed. Among university students, I was still a child. In front of soldiers, a child facing them. A naked young man, eyes and lips gleaming with lust, and a child trembling in shyness beneath him. God damn it. Always been like this. I'm experiencing life through the subconscious of a neurologically mature 6 year old. 

It's a wonder how I could even reach to where I am now. Pretty impressive, for a child. 

If I was to adopt the mindset and attitude of a new, adult me, it feels as if I would rip apart from my ribs and my liquefied soul would spill pathetically onto the floor. It would feel like I'm losing a great part of myself in the process, of the me that is been always there, to transition towards a fluid thing that is less here, as if tiptoeing through existence until the end. Yeah, I face every day as if it was the last. With enthusiasm? Nah. With some form of sometimes-optimistic-sometimes-not-so-much resignation. 

But such are things again. That's how really life is. Transient. I'll learn to be happier about it. 

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