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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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That's the point I was trying to make, you probably wouldn't be telling me this if I was a woman. I had the impulse to exert aggression towards her regardless of gender. And there are really violent women out there who don't control their impulses because they are not socially reprimanded. Specially against men, and that's no misogyny but a plain fact. Violence is violence no matter the subject or the object. Or it should be at least.

I remember people laughing at my male friend, who said, that his wife was beating him. I didn't laugh and I didn't take it lightly. But generally speaking men are bigger and stronger, physically. And can do a lot of damage. I guess that's one of the reasons why talks about violence are usually made from the female perspective.

Maybe I wasn't clear. I imagine it was difficult. And you should be proud of yourself and the way you handled that situation! If it happens again, you know you can handle yourself! But I don't think it's wise to hit your mother or your father, no matter if you are a son or a daughter.  And if you were a female I would advice you against hitting your father. Not because of the damage that you could do, but because of what it might do to you and your future. I just don't want you to regret something you said or did after you move away from home. You will be able to make a clear cut if you stick to certain borders.

Are you already counting the days till you exam? How long till your next step?

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Maybe I wasn't clear. I imagine it was difficult. And you should be proud of yourself and the way you handled that situation! If it happens again, you know you can handle yourself! But I don't think it's wise to hit your mother or your father, no matter if you are a son or a daughter.  And if you were a female I would advice you against hitting your father. Not because of the damage that you could do, but because of what it might do to you and your future. I just don't want you to regret something you said or did after you move away from home. You will be able to make a clear cut if you stick to certain borders.

Why specifically female? Turning your family against you is generally a bad idea as it is. But I see what you mean, and I agree. Violence only expresses vulnerability of the thought or the argument.

Am I counting the days? Boy, I'm counting the hours. Almost there! Next Tuesday. Then, the future. Whatever that means.

-----------------------------------

A nice weekend. Hanged with SO. Our relationship is currently very platonic, for the same reasons he's been stuck at his parents' place until today. TMI reasons, but nothing dramatic or permanent. We met with a lot of his friends at his home and had this kind of evening with dinner and tabletop games. Epicurean moments like this trigger my death anxiety like you wouldn't believe: it's in happiness when I notice most the implications of non-existence. But despite the initial moments of despair and ragged breathing I managed to cope without making a scene or people noticing a thing, which is always my topmost goal. 

I'm starting to seriously worry that it will become worse as I grow older and I'm seriously displeased about it, to say something. I'll try to keep burying it under more layers of philosophy and self-improvement, wish me luck. Had a great time anyway. Everyone has this or that recurrent illness or struggle they have to face daily. For some people it's disabilities, or chronic pain, or lack of girlfriend. Probably this is mine. I'd rather be angsty than ill, to be fair.

Been reading and replying to journals lately and I feel more connected with the community. Previously in my journal I mentioned how I was feeling frustrated for focusing only on me and not supporting others. I'm glad to have the opportunity to do it now. I've been meeting my goals. Not in the next week or month like I wrote back in the day, but no matter, better late than never. In my daily life, I'm troubled and unfocused. But when I stop and reflect about it, it only takes me a few seconds to realize how happy I truly am.

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EDIT: Now that I have time I'll explain, because if things go the wrong way I'll be too pissed to write.

During the medical check I wrote and signed (therefore declared) that I had more astigmatism than permitted in one of my eyes, and despite not providing evidence and the law not being specific on the subject I was pulled aside. I asked for an appeal and the guy of the desk gave me the verbal agreement to call me, which clearly hasn't happened. I was expecting this, so in the meantime I went to my ophthalmologist and in a second revision I got just below the limit of defect. I went this morning to appeal personally but was closed due to a sudden official event. Tomorrow is the last day, I'll have to go again and literally beg my way to the examination room. It may work, but most probably won't.

I feel literally retarded. Some people in the room were literally squinting their eyes from not wearing their usual glasses, and I with my only slightly bad vision had to go and spill unnecesary (and now proven wrong) things. In the end I'm still a fucking child with no big picture whatsoever of actions and consequences. But no self-loathing, I had plenty of that already. I'll try everything in my power to fix this mess.

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I read through the last two pages of your journal, and I simply wanted to tell you how much I recognize myself in your words, and how interesting it is (...does these bland comments actually mean something...? It's genuine though, I swear.) 

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36 minutes ago, Simon E said:

I read through the last two pages of your journal, and I simply wanted to tell you how much I recognize myself in your words, and how interesting it is (...does these bland comments actually mean something...? It's genuine though, I swear.) 

Short answer: They do!

Slightly longer answer: Check Cam or Bob, or @WorkInProgress comments for instance. Most of them are a few words of encouragement, or a recommendation, check this or that and so on. And they are meaningful: when they're not around, you can clearly see it (@Mettermrck, where are you my man?). The vast majority of my posts until a bit before becoming CM were dreadfully dull walls of text in this journal, which were and are useful to me and are part of my journey, but self-centered af. I began to train recently. Amazing how reassuring a simple pat in the back can be. These short comments are like pats in the back. They have their purpose and their impact, and are really cost effective. Don't underestimate them, neither here or in your daily life. 

(I'm a person who struggles a lot IRL with delivering reassurance even to my loved ones so I know how real the struggle is -_-)

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Still shenanigans, yet I feel ambivalent. It's nice to have a goal and pursue it, even if I'm getting doors shut. Tomorrow more updates and probably the big reveal. Cross fingers.

That said the Rescue Time app is putting me to big shame. My productivity index is currently 18. I stumbled upon a huge stash of lewd games and I've been binging. Shame indeed. I'll get rid of them as I get rid of everything else eventually, but as I've said a thousand times already, there's something below the surface regarding this that I need to address, and while I don't feel I'm repressing or denying it (I've been mentioning this way or that since the beginning actually), I'm really lost in how to proceed. I'd like to be specific on it but even the bigmouthed Hitaru can't spill it. Bedroom issues. Uhm... nice day for quitting games today it is, right...?

Funny how the normal me is quite bored and starved of purpose yet here I somehow seem to appear more cheerful. Life is what happens when you do things, not just when you think about them. Sorry philosophers. Those without a published book at least. To every aspiring writer/artist/rambler in the community: get on with it already.

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3 hours ago, Hitaru said:

get on with it already.

That should be a statement printed on T-Shirts and tagged on walls in the subway.

Also, another thing regarding Rescue Time. It is indeed a cool feature to look whether your time in front of the screen was well spent. However, I found out that it is only a simple answer for a very complicated question. Because in the end, it heavily depends on your own judgement. Like, what do you declare to be productive and what distracting? I found myself in a troubled situation, when I started using it. What is Game Quitters for example? Distraction or productivity? YouTube. Watching a motivational video or one of Cam's videos will be considered to be distracting, since it is on YouTube. On the other hand, I can declare using my Mail-Software as a "very productive" action, even if it is not. It is so easy to fool yourself when using Rescue Time. One way or another. And one last, but very important thought that came to my mind was: How distracting is Rescue Time? When I look at Rescue Time, I feel it judges me. Because it does. I judge myself. I am being judged. If you are being judged, you usually want to look good. Because a statistics software pointing the virtual finger and you, shouting "You suck" is horrible. Nobody wants to suck. We all want to be good boys and girls. So, I feel, it can create a huge amount of pressure. It tells me that I have to change my behavior. I need to make good use of my time. Otherwise it will punish me with 21% productivity. That pressure is unnecessary in my opinion, because at the end of the day, it is not the statistic that determines whether it has been a productive day or not. It is your own perception. If you look back and focus on the positive things that you have done, it will leave a positive feeling. Thus, you will feel confident and may be even motivated for the next day. But, if - at the end of the day - you get told that your productivity today was below last days productivity or you just see a big red bar of Netflix or YouTube, you might feel like a failure. You might feel that you failed. No matter how good the day was.

So, if you ask me, I'd say don't be so harsh with yourself. See if this kind of software is necessary for you or if it turns into some masochistic game (because it surely can) and decide how you want to approach your own process.

Also, never stop telling people to get on with it already. Kinda love that attitude. So simple, so straight, so true. ;)

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@Regular Robert Yep I noticed that. So what I did is to make a generic estimate. Game Quitters is Very Productive. Mail is Distracting, but not Very Distracting, since I can read an useful mail from time to time, but overall I don't. I have my project in Facebook, Game Quitters in Spanish, and if I truly devoted it a veritable amount of time I'd have to reconsider my view on Facebook, but being real with myself I currently use it mostly for mindless browse, so there you go Very Distracting. I also set checking Rescue Time as Distracting (or Neutral, but neutral time is not productive time ;) ). It's not the word of God, but a fancy tool nonetheless. 

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As our good @hycniejsy would say: mischief managed! The appeal was successful. Now back to the physical tests. They'll call me, but I'm ready. This is rolling. Not sure how to feel, but that's just me being afraid to commit. It will be fine! My my, it's the closest I've been to having a job. Unconventional as it is.

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Staying awake late got me thinking - do I stay late because I feel lost or I feel lost because I stay late?

I still can't find my, or "the", 'spark'.

I have friends, a boyfriend, plenty of time to spare. And if things go as planned, I'll be in 4 different countries this year (1 more than last year), and maybe get a job in something I'm not exactly talented at (so the merit is higher).

Two jobs actually, since community managing is also one. For which I went alone to Portugal, met a person I consider essential in saving my life and turning it around, and didn't have to beg to "be someone" or have a position to stroke my ego with, didn't even have to think about asking for responsibility. I just wanted to do stuff, in general; he gave me stuff to do, that I'm still in process of learning to handle. Simply that. 

I have a nice family, despite our issues expressing healthy affection. I'm healthy. The culture I live in is laid back and kind. I have everything I could ask for given the circumstances. Life is good. 

Looking back the 31st of December the overall result will be very positive, considering two years ago I was thinking of suicide. Written like this in summary, everything looks good.

But the daily, normal, average day is dull. And the prospect of the future is... 

I have a few friends (life in general made the numbers thinner, but I should have acted on it and made more, my social life is my responsibility) - yet I almost feel like I don't want to see them. I barely go out or talk (message) to them.

I don't have hobbies since mindless browsing, PMO and watching bad (and often repeated) TV can barely qualify as hobbies - and again the problem is not the lack of activities but the lack of drive to pursue them.

My relationship is great - but in this mid-distance state feels like a 15 year marriage: stable and loving, but...

Today I had a cold and the temptation to skip training, and immediately felt a craving for a silly game in which you have to raise a daughter (very old stuff, I stumbled across it and downloaded like you buy a rare and emotionally valuable trinket from the past without having what the hell to do with it. Now I see it's dangerous, great.)

Being aware of this, I "reprimanded" myself by going to the training regardless, ignoring the PC, and it was quite good: had I done the tests today, I would have aced them 100% for the first time. I left really satisfied. For doing good in the training and specially for going, consciously acting against my impulses. Which is not a common thing to happen. My "success" doesn't come from me having a lot of willpower, but being ruthless in setting barriers, which is not the same as boundaries.

It was a success but still felt like a punishment in some way. I only have eyes for getting that position in the Armed Forces and then Uni, and "get back on track". It's like I focused myself towards becoming 'normal' and only then I would allow myself any kind of secondary joy, usually in the form of new tasks to complete my normalcy even if they were hobbies or friends, I'd imbue them that redeeming purpose. It reeks of the aftertaste of the theatre school fiasco.

It smells like failure. I will collapse and return home, and avoid my commitment of writing here, and relapse. It's going that way. I can feel it. It happened a bunch of times already. 

This is not how people like Cam do things, and I'm not trying to copy, but I'm not blind either. I saw him. He and the people he hangs with try their hardest to do something empowering, something inspiring, something fun every single day. It may be a conversation. It may be go surfing. It may be finding a beautiful stone in the sand, I don't know. It's also in the enhanced value they give to small, apparently inconsequential things: they live their lives closer to the fullest because there's only this much you can grasp the human experience and the fool-proof way to expand your limits is by "lowering" the bar with pride and a generous spirit.

But for that you still have to do things.

What Cam and Co. do with their lives is a side thought. 

What I'm trying to say is... I fear I'm isolating myself.

There must be something I can do, something to cheer me up. Am I depressed? Normally when I felt like this things were going fairly bad. But now things are going fairly good. I feel this is nothing but a foul game in which I mess up everything until I realize I'm not suited to live, and then I will die regardless, full of misery and regret, as if that was the only way. I'm dying anyway, no? I've already lost, now the only thing for me is keep losing. I'm a failure, it just needs to keep happening and repeat itself until I accept the fact. This poisonous thought is not camouflaged between other thoughts and brain mist, for the first time it's in plain view and separated from the rest, like a tumor. I wish I could extend my hands and tear it off like black-colored weed.

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Hey it seems to me you are doubting again. Before you try something you'll never know if it is a great idea. It is just fear of commitment. I also think what Cam or any other great life coach living the life in LA does (no bad feelings cam if you read this :P) isn't important to you or me personally. There is no such thing as a normal life. I asked myself often if my vision of my future (family, stable job, deep relationships with friends and family, maybe buy/build house in the future, safe enough money to not have to worry to much about that) isn't just boring old normal. But while a lot of people have this goal: How many do really achieve it? I came to the conclusion that this is what I want right now. So I have gone for it. And I never regretted it. I look at my boring normal family with my wife and son after studying a boring engineering subject I kind of liked and was never happier about my life choices. 

look about the joy you get from your tasks instead of looking for joy outside. Did it feel good to push yourself and do the training? Does it feel good to be constructive member of a communityand helping here out moderating? don't you feel joy if a new gamequitter can relate to your story and feels backed up by it (I do feel joy there)? Maybe there is a way to enjoy getting back on track if you change your perspective.

You did also some choices in the past and went for it. Some went south and maybe these one will too. Maybe the relationship wont last. Maybe the military will suck. There is no way to predict the future. But it is what you commited yourself to do, so go through with it. This is the way self-respect is bult. And not only go through with it but do your best, so it doesn't suck. It doesn't matter what you are (failure or success). It isn't even objectivly definable by anyone. Just be, do what you committed to do and do it well. Be the best boyfriend, family member or even soldier you can be. If your committing and it starts to suck, try to look at it from a different angle and to change this. If it still sucks try something new. Doubt and overthinking is just your poison of choice. Mine is problem-evasion and mindfulness (as you've realized I don't have any problems...).

When I am overthinking it helps to talk about it. So you are doing the right thing. Talk not just here about it, talk about it wiht your S.O. your friends and maybe even with your family. Vulnerability leads to connection. Connection leads to beeing happier.

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So much truth @WorkInProgress friend.

After a last binge I got my shit together and blocked all the new bunch of distractions with Cold Turkey. Worked out and did my best in my shitty state of no sleeping and eating, and then took special care of post-training dinner. I'm expecting the call tomorrow morning, so I'll make sure to be rested and nourished. Even if the call is to deflect me to another call/date, it's essential to be in top shape at all times. Readiness! That's the word they would say.

Also, Cam brought me some good news regarding stuffity stuff and my mood has improved sensibly. I feel better now.

As a side note, I feel specially proud for this streak of going to the gym, regardless of having a specific goal or not. The important thing is now and now I'm rocking it.

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Hola Hitaru,

creo que eres una persona muy especial. People are very different. And there are people who are very high developed, maybe because they are old souls, reincarnated many times on this planet (I hope my post becomes not too spiritual). I want to say this, many people are saying that it is important to socialize. But for some people this can be really tough. Not because they have no social skills, are shy, have nothing important to say. No! I do not mean this.

People have different vibrations, lets say different levels of consciousness. What is happening when you belong to the 5% highest developed people? I know it sounds arrogant and many people would say: "Hey it is not true. Everyone is on the same level, born on the same level."

But no. Every life has the same value, it does not matter if animal or human, but they are not the same. The humans are also not the same. And this is strongly related to social interactions. Lets asume you belong to the highest 5%. It is not possible to relate to many people. Because you are not interested at all what they have to say. It is meanigless chatter to you. When you are authentic and say something, they do not understand you. Social interaction becomes difficult. Yes you can do it, when you lower your energy and they can do it, when they increase their energy or need you help. Helping is always great, but normal conversations can feel dull.

For me normal conversations are boring, not because of the lack of dopamine I get from playing computer games. They are just boring. An interesting conversation beats every computer game in my opinion. I do not know if there are studies about this out there...

So, when you belong to the highest 5% you have to look for the other 5% as one possiblity (there are more, like going in the nature) to feel happy and to grow. This can be difficult, because they are few and the few play maybe computer games because they avoid social interactions. Or live somewhere in a hut in the mountains.

I still feel strange talking about it, because it sounds really arrogant,  but this can be also a reason for gaming, a reason for feeling dull.  You figured something out: When you believe in death, the black void, then of course the game of life is already a lost game. It does no matter, if you have many friends, a lot of money, a great house, success etc. And really, it does not matter at all.

What matter is: to shatter the illusion of this life, find out who you really are, discovering negative limited believes and transform them, heal the wounds of the past, rise up high beyond measures

 

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5 hours ago, Megaman said:

For me normal conversations are boring, not because of the lack of dopamine I get from playing computer games. They are just boring. An interesting conversation beats every computer game in my opinion. I do not know if there are studies about this out there...

So, when you belong to the highest 5% you have to look for the other 5% as one possiblity

That is entirely true. And the other 5% are among the 95% of normal people. I for my part found it very hard to gather such a collective of people. I don't get anything out of "normal friendship". I need a soul that is close to mine. Something that goes way deeper than just the ordinary surface.

And yes, if you talk like this to normal people, they will most likely think you are arrogant and dislike you. But that is fine. There will be people that totally get what you are saying without relying on a judgemental attitude.

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On 11/23/2017 at 10:06 PM, Hitaru said:

So much truth @WorkInProgress friend.

After a last binge I got my shit together and blocked all the new bunch of distractions with Cold Turkey. Worked out and did my best in my shitty state of no sleeping and eating, and then took special care of post-training dinner. I'm expecting the call tomorrow morning, so I'll make sure to be rested and nourished. Even if the call is to deflect me to another call/date, it's essential to be in top shape at all times. Readiness! That's the word they would say.

Also, Cam brought me some good news regarding stuffity stuff and my mood has improved sensibly. I feel better now.

As a side note, I feel specially proud for this streak of going to the gym, regardless of having a specific goal or not. The important thing is now and now I'm rocking it.

I am in awe that in spite of doubting yourself heavily at times, you still keep going and kept going to the gym and all. That's fucking awesome man!

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Thanks @Mhyrion <3

@Megaman @Regular Robert Yeah, I'm positive one of my biggest limiting beliefs was the fear of openly acknowledging the fact that I was born smart by complete chance. I didn't want to come across as arrogant, so I hid myself. In the meantime, "idiots" do everything in this crazy world, only because they dare, they try and they walk the walk. So what? My gig is being smart, other people have their own thing. There are supermodels and people who enchant with their words, there are strong and agile people, there are tough and resilient ones, my thing is being smart. Nothing wrong or shameful with that. Just what it is. 

As you say, the game truly feels lost beforehand and everyday is a struggle to ignore the elephant in the room. I'm not sure how I will change this to something 'positive', death is death and has very little to "work" with. But I won't give up. Have I any other alternative, hah.

Tests tomorrow morning. Everything's on the plate now. Let's see what happens.

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I tried my 90% best, but failed. My cardio ended up betraying me, it was very unpleasant to find out I had been training it sub-par (this is what I think, the coach argues that I was ready). No problem with the rest though, which to be fair is an awesome result in one month. But still a failure.

Now, the implications. I feel I'm back to square one of being a high-school dropout NEET, which means this "Year 1 of No Games" was completely for nothing. In what matters most to me at least, that is having a job/purpose/direction, the rest can go to hell no, really, but everything in my life feels like enjoyable but secondary complements subordinated to the fact of earning my own bread and the fact of not being doing it. I'm aware it's a very unhealthy approach and I've considered already why I'm so single-mindedly obsessed with having an income; there are complicated issues with my sense of identity involved. The usual. I'll keep this in mind but overall is a distracting and derailing thought.

I can keep trying this or try something else, and both things will be hard as fuck, economically and psychologically. I don't need reassurance, in fact please refrain. I need results, and I need them with extreme urgency. I'm not in the mood for long talks, as to be expected, but I'm confident I'll be able to turn all this turmoil of feelings into determination. It will greatly sour my character tho, even if improves me.

There's also the issue of being constantly trying to sabotage myself.

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Hey Hitaru,

been reading your last entry just now and I feel that I might have some words to say.

The issue regarding your income is a topic that I can totally relate to. My woman pays the rent and literally everything else. For quite a long time now. Even though she is a hundred percent fine with it, I don't feel complete. I feel that I need my own income to be whole. To be self-reliant, self-sufficient. To be my own person. But I am still struggling. In addition, some of the mean spirited humans use this topic to attack me. Even family members that - in my opinion - waste their entire lives, attack me for not having an income. The first thing a person asks in this country when you meet for the first time is "So, what are you doing?" which does not ask for hobbies, lifestyle or such. People want to ask "what job you are". It seems to be a huge part of the common identity. Whether this makes sense or not should be a different discussion. What I want to say is: I get it. Having your own income is a huge part of becoming yourself, somehow.

But, from reading your posts, I see one specific issue: A mix of impatience, perfectionism and self-blaming. Your last phrase kinda states it. You tend to sabotage yourself. And that creates a harmful mindset. I know that feeling from my time when I was sick and heavily depressed. "I failed". I tried, I failed, I blamed myself and I almost murdered myself over it. You know what I mean.

5 hours ago, Hitaru said:

which means this "Year 1 of No Games" was completely for nothing.

Stuff like that. Impatience: One year of abstinence and I have not achieved enough growth in relation to the time spent. Perfectionism: I have not reached a certain goal, so everything is wasted. And in the end: I failed. That is what I wanted to tell you last time when we talked about RescueTime. It can be a great tool, but also a great whip to punish yourself. It does make sense to make good use of your time, but don't kill yourself over it. Don't look for imperfect results. The red bar in the RescueTime statistic always triggers my perfectionism. It is like a red mark on a test. It delivers an urge. The urge to be changed. For some people, the negative things in life have more weight by default. They matter more. And those people, me included, tend to not see or value the other tiny good things that happen.

May be, I read too much into it, but I feel you are not acknowledging your progress. One year of no games cannot be for nothing. If you would have continued to game, you would not have trained at all. You would not have realized that you want to do something else in your life. You would not know that income is so important to you. There is a lot of personal progress, growth that took place during this time. And sometimes, stuff takes time and multiple trials. You are extremely smart, gentle and talented. Your English is at a great level. You train, even if you train sub-par, you still do. You get your ass up and do it. You help others on this forum. You have interesting thoughts that you share. You seem to be very empathic, sensitive, which is great. You are a great person and you have turned yourself into that person. You will reach your goals, just don't fill yourself up with worries and don't put too much weight on what did not succeed, which should have succeeded or could have succeeded. Try to find a good balance and value yourself more.

If it helps, do a revaluation of the one year of no games. Like, list all the progress you made in one post. I could help you see what you have achieved and I bet the progress will outweigh the failures or setbacks by far!

Keep up your head up straight, smile at the person in the mirror. You have come so far, so damn far. Value it. You got this under control, mate. :)

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Sorry to hear that Hitaru. I am also obsessing about income,  feel you. Just keep swimming! Maybe you need another goal, at least a small one, anything that keeps you from digging too deep into that dark hole.

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In my opinion there are many programs in the society, which leads to suffering. One is the split between work and fun/freetime. Both should be the same. If you think, I have to work to earn money and then I have freetime, which I can enjoy, is always suffering like hell (at least for me).

As I told you, I think you are a very high developed person. For this reason it is more difficult to find a way. Because high developed people know that the most jobs out there are not good, it does not matter if lawyer, baker, doctor, engineer, etc. For many reasons, the system is corrupted and you will work in the boundaries of this system. Other reason: the death, the lost game of life, which you have pointed out. What does it matter, when I work and help people, when I die and all other people I helped also die?

If you know this, it is not so easy to find a job. Special people sometimes have to create a job, which has not existed before. To find a vocation is an interesting and exciting journey. Maybe in your case it could have something to do with the death. Exploring life, meditation, fasting, working with your mind, out of body experiences to get more knowledge how this life works. I just guess. But in every case it should be something in which you are interested like crazy.

Impatience can be good, but it should be used right now for a positve change. First step could be, in what I am interested like crazy? If it is only computer games, you can ask yourself in what are you so interested, which aspects of the computer games you can transform to real life? Keep on looking. Keep on searching.

4 hours ago, Regular Robert said:

May be, I read too much into it, but I feel you are not acknowledging your progress. One year of no games cannot be for nothing. If you would have continued to game, you would not have trained at all. You would not have realized that you want to do something else in your life. You would not know that income is so important to you. There is a lot of personal progress, growth that took place during this time. And sometimes, stuff takes time and multiple trials. You are extremely smart, gentle and talented. Your English is at a great level. You train, even if you train sub-par, you still do. You get your ass up and do it. You help others on this forum. You have interesting thoughts that you share. You seem to be very empathic, sensitive, which is great. You are a great person and you have turned yourself into that person. You will reach your goals, just don't fill yourself up with worries and don't put too much weight on what did not succeed, which should have succeeded or could have succeeded. Try to find a good balance and value yourself more.

I totally agree with Regular Robert.

Edited by Megaman
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6 hours ago, Regular Robert said:

The issue regarding your income is a topic that I can totally relate to. My woman pays the rent and literally everything else. For quite a long time now. Even though she is a hundred percent fine with it, I don't feel complete. I feel that I need my own income to be whole. To be self-reliant, self-sufficient. To be my own person. But I am still struggling. In addition, some of the mean spirited humans use this topic to attack me. Even family members that - in my opinion - waste their entire lives, attack me for not having an income. The first thing a person asks in this country when you meet for the first time is "So, what are you doing?" which does not ask for hobbies, lifestyle or such. People want to ask "what job you are". It seems to be a huge part of the common identity. Whether this makes sense or not should be a different discussion. What I want to say is: I get it. Having your own income is a huge part of becoming yourself, somehow.

I wrote something almost identical to this when I began my journal almost two years ago:

Quote

On top of that, I couldn't (and still can't) answer to the question "What do you do?", since "Nothing" is not a valid answer. Please think about this. When you meet someone for the first time, the first question is always "What's your name", and then of course comes a "What do you do" (in life, what do you study, work, value, etc.). They have the same value. Can you imagine not being able to answer what your name is? It's crippling.

so yeah, we're absolutely on the same page on how crappy this makes/made us feel. Thanks man, I feel really understood right now. 

6 hours ago, Regular Robert said:

If it helps, do a revaluation of the one gear of no games. Like, list all the progress you made in one post. I could help you see what you have achieved and I bet the progress will outweigh the failures or setbacks by far!

Sure, I'll play. Let's see...

Positive things that happened since  November 27, 2016 January 1st, 2017

1. Learned to organize travels by myself.
2. Spent a month in Algeria and saw the desert, a lifelong dream. 

3. Had my first proper "job" interview (it was for a volunteer position but was all the serious that you can expect).
4. Did paperwork concerning other people's money I was entrusted with for the first time without the world ending.
5. Translated a bit of Game Quitters content, and tried my hardest to organize a translation team.
6. Faced the existential anxiety that produced me being outside.
7. Went through the Beyond program (and met @Mhyrion, who has become a sibling figure/kindred spirit to me)
8. Started going to the gym on my own.
9. Started studying for the Armed Forces by my own free will.
10. Purchased books that I wanted for the first time (books make me really anxious)
11. Made a conscientious self-study on my moods and discovered I'm statistically much happier than I'm normally aware of.
12. Began moderating the forum and did an acceptable job.
13. An über breakthrough in my love life: stepped out of the closet, put myself in the open for girls for the first time since +2 years ago and for boys for the first time ever, met my SO, commited to be 100% honest and involved in actually getting to know him without expectations or hidden agenda, and reaped crazy results. (As a side note, confirmed my suspicions that I'm actually quite popular among men, and the main reason they don't hit on me that usually is because I pass as straight - and I'm also not involved with the scene, for no particular reason other than shy self-consciousness)
13/1. Learned and practiced a lot of lewd intimate stuff. 
14. As a conclusion of 13 and 13/1, fell in love also for the first time and began developing awareness and knowledge about the way my romantic and sexual feelings work, despite facing my sexuality honestly being one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. More than jumping through cliff breaches while hiking in Algeria.
15. A micro-poem of erotic poetry in a contest got published for the first time.
16. Made serious preparations and commitment to leave home.
17. Participated in a Holy Week parade, and sorted out my relationship with God.
18. Traveled to the Greek islands for another youth exchange about grave social issues.
19. Learnt to socialize confidently and aggressively IRL without known friend's support instead of staying in a corner.
20. Reached my current record in NoFap: around 15 days.
21. Launched a freelancer account.
22. Successfully went through a 90 days No Mindless Browsing / No Distractions detox. Blocked from my computer many harmful things (currently more than 560 items and a dozen apps).
23. Passed a Cambridge Advanced Level exam (C1 level for Europe, a skill of C2 recognized in the certificate)
24. Attended a Lifehack Bootcamp workshop and recorded myself in video for the first time.
25. Mastered (or rather found out I have a natural talent in) how to make mind maps to summarize ridiculously complex self-doubt/sabotage processes.
26. Bought an electric razor online (also learned how to buy things online this year) and it was arguably the most beneficial decision in comparative terms I've ever made. God I just fucking love how well does that razor work.
27. Bitched about how much I like politics to be a part of my life and finally came to terms with it.
28. Fixed my conflicted relationship with a childhood friend.
29. Checked on a place called Location Rebel, which I think and hope will be a really useful tool in the future.
30. Went to a concert of an artist I love which was on my bucket list for a long time.
31. Apologized to a girl I was sexually obsessed with and worked like a charm to get rid of the unhealthy feelings.
32. Began journaling in Spanish, and launched the Game Quitters in Spanish initiative.
33. Got my shit together and went to an exam that I absolutely hated.
34. Made two good friends and they even threw an improvised b-day party for me, with presents and all. First time too.
35. Went through all the proceedings to apply to the Armed Forces instead of just giving up.
36. Traveled to Portugal, learned to enjoy things as they come and surfed.
37. Met Cam.
38. Became Community Manager
39. Learned basic CM skills
40. Trained enough to get close to my ideal weight and become healthy (and more handsome, I must add).
41. Tried sailing again.
42. Wrote a case study.
43. Met inspiring people in NoFap forums whom I talk with regularly.
44. Several old friends came back to my life, cut ties with other who weren't making an effort. 
45. Began replying to other people journals, something I wanted to do consistently since I arrived.
46. The first regular spanish speaking member of the community, @Jay V says he's doing amazing lately, and he has his space in the forum thanks to my initiative of including a non-english section.

About to happen: A third reimbursed youth exchange to Serbia and a travel with my SO to Netherlands in Christmas week. 

This is a rough draft, I crossed items of 2016 because my impression is I began losing steam of my recovery after I came back from Algeria. Now I should compare it with bad things that happened and unfulfilled promises I made, but checking on the past entries they are more or less few, the balance is still what it is. Positive? Then why do I feel like it wasn't that much of a deal? Some of the things of the list I even forgot about them. Thank goodness I journal.

Now I'm really tired, I didn't get sleep today, woke up very early, and still need to write an article for Cam (ironically about resiliency in children, which is exactly my current situation (?)). I'll come back to this later.

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3 hours ago, Megaman said:

If you know this, it is not so easy to find a job. Special people sometimes have to create a job, which has not existed before. To find a vocation is an interesting and exciting journey. Maybe in your case it could have something to do with the death. Exploring life, meditation, fasting, working with your mind, out of body experiences to get more knowledge how this life works. I just guess. But in every case it should be something in which you are interested like crazy.

I hate being a party pooper but: Who pays your bills&food during the time you are trying to create a job?

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This must have taken you quite some time. I even edited my post later on but your quotation still has the original words in it. So, yeah ... thanks for taking the time. Really appreciated.

So, you don't need a list of negative things to see that the positive events outweigh the negative ones. You can already guess it by now, right? But, there is something else I would like you to look at:

1 hour ago, Hitaru said:

1. Learned to organize travels by myself.
2. Spent a month in Algeria and saw the desert, a lifelong dream. 

3. Had my first proper "job" interview (it was for a volunteer position but was all the serious that you can expect).

 

1 hour ago, Hitaru said:

10. Purchased books that I wanted for the first time (books make me really anxious)
11. Made a conscientious self-study on my moods and discovered I'm statistically much happier than I'm normally aware of.

Baseline attitude when you started to list the positive events. I would ask you to re-read the whole list later on to see what I see. If you haven't seen it already. ;) Might also be just a coincidence, but just bare with me here for a moment. So, again ... this is your baseline attitude when you began listing the positive events. A little defensive and you often tend to relate the stuff you listed to anxieties, which is totally fine. Not criticizing here at all. You also crossed some items because you feel they were not appropriate on a list of positive events, because you lost some steam afterwards. Just as if a later negative would negate the former positive. Let's go on:

 

1 hour ago, Hitaru said:

12. Began moderating the forum and did an acceptable job.

Defensive, lowering the value of what you did. By the way, who was that judged what you did as "acceptable"? Was it you or anybody else? Anyway, suddenly, only one list item later:

1 hour ago, Hitaru said:

13. An über breakthrough in my love life: stepped out of the closet, put myself in the open for girls for the first time since +2 years ago and for boys for the first time ever, met my SO, commited to be 100% honest and involved in actually getting to know him without expectations or hidden agenda, and reaped crazy results. (As a side note, confirmed my suspicions that I'm actually quite popular among men, and the main reason they don't hit on me that usually is because I pass as straight - and I'm also not involved with the scene, for no particular reason other than shy self-consciousness)

You labeled this event as an "über breakthrough". That is not defensive at all and it does not lower the value of the event... at all! From there on, I feel the list reads differently, as if remembering this particular event made a change in your attitude. From there on ...

2 hours ago, Hitaru said:

13/1. Learned and practiced a lot of lewd intimate stuff.

 

2 hours ago, Hitaru said:

22. Successfully went through a 90 days No Mindless Browsing

 

2 hours ago, Hitaru said:

27. Bitched about how much I like politics

 

2 hours ago, Hitaru said:

40. Trained enough to get close to my ideal weight and become healthy (and more handsome, I must add).

... you began raising the value of the events you listed. Those are just examples, but I feel they show what happened. Instead of "acceptable" stuff, you talk about success. Instead of "lewd", you raised the value to "intimate". Instead of reserved, you come across quite casual and swaggy, when saying you bitched about something. It does not feel like the value-lowering use of "bitching". And in item 40, you even added that you became quite healthy aaaaand ... handsome. Raising your own value by adding and accepting that you look attractive. Read through the list multiple times if necessary. I feel, the more positive items you listed, the more confident, casual, relaxed and self-accepting you became. And that is what I meant, when I said you have to acknowledge what you do waaay more instead of where you came short, failed or procrastinated. This is a huge list which shows you did an outstanding job in just one year and you need to feed this positivity to your mind so that it can maintain a positive, bright and competent attitude.

Read through the list. Do it. With the eyes of anybody but you. Read it like a stranger would read it and try focusing on the subtext that the items deliver and how they change the more items are added. Just do it. ;)

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