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Gaming the System 006 - James' First 30 Days As a Digital Nomad in Thailand!

Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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@Hitaru you're so lucky that Cam chose to travel somewhere near you :D Even I'm hyped for this  meetup even tho I live like 3k kilometers away  :D

There's a good reason aside my awesomeness: Portugal is a great place for surfing and chill. We should visit you next!

About my meeting with Cam.

His exterior calmness may appear unsettling, but there seems to be a conscious effort on his part to be so. Some kind of intentional management, though he would hate to call it like that. Always ready to pour his full focus on whatever he decides to do at any given moment, menial as may be, and let everything else pass him by. The more you stay around him, the more you notice just how much work and intention he had to put into reaching that state. He has a constant stare like he had just finished a workout, as if mildly tired but under control, in top notch of tranquil alert.

A sentence he used full of meaning was "Do your thing" or rather, "Have your own experience", and his whole philosophy seems to rotate around this fact. He lets you be while constantly trying to feel and live his own experience which you and everyone else happen to share, in that specific moment, with him. Neither pushing you out nor pulling you in.

In the world I know, any sign of "conscious" "detachment" is unfriendly. People of this world I know would say: "He's no true friend", "He is selfish" and so on. 

I say, being "granted" all this liberty is completely new and feels oppressing somehow. For every waking moment he sees an opportunity to feel alive, without compromises or mental gymnastics, I see instead a threat of fucking up, of being humiliated and therefore "rightfully" stripped of my right to enjoy such "calculated carefree" life. And they are many, many of those moments. It's exhausting to live in fear and regret, even of mistakes that have yet to happen or may never do. Exhausting and disheartening. In a few hours of being aware, I couldn't take it anymore. I spoke and enjoyed and tried to blend in a time too many, and decided to cut it short.

I woke up the first morning in Peniche with the sore realization that I would "have" to be social and at my best again. Cam was nowhere to be seen. Again the usual morning fear. Did I oversleep? Metallic rattling could be heard from the other side of the door. What kinds of adventures and experiences would he and the other people be having while I was there, lying on the bed, wasting the only life I was randomly given? He would be working and making the world in his head come true while I was letting mine devour me. But it's not like I had something specific to do, right? There is not a single reason I could cite right off the bat to wake up in the mornings, aside from setting a more or less defined difference with when I'm sleeping. Has been my life really been so sad?

Actually he was there sleeping all the time, and it wasn't even 9:00 am.

When we finally got moving, and I said finally because I was torturing myself for hour and half while before he took less than 5 minutes to wake up, I began to walk around inside the hostel for a bit, lost. I was expecting a whole bunch of things to happen, I was expecting breakfast, I was expecting someone to speak up or speak with, I was expecting being asked or pushed or talked into following anyone or doing things by someone's, anyone's suggestion or directive. Cam on the other hand wasn't expecting anything, and if he was, made no commentary about it. He just stood there in silence, stretching and doing a morning workout as if he was alone in the woods. 

It's clear that he does everything doable in his power and ability at his own pace, unmolested by anything and anyone. Single-minded devotion to tasks always seemed to me almost robotic and creepy, and my opinion still hasn't changed. But what am I supposed to say, if the mere act of having an opinion with no practical (useful, positive) impact in the world is already a mistake according to the person I'm judging? After all what are the options? Risk to feel at the end of my life that focusing in certain areas has made me lose touch with others? Look a bit weird in the eyes of the fearful and the bitter, but still get things done? Sure, so dramatic, being judged by fools...!

Or not focus in anything, live a long, safe-ish life of drifting away and semi-quiet desperation, not achieving anything at all and die anyway?

To Hell if it looks or feels robotic or whatever! If it works. Even if my worthless impression was true (spoiler: it isn't). If it helps the goal or cause you've set your mind to. If it furthers your vision. Jesus, god damn it. It's as if someone projected a frontal opposite version of myself. Yet in that frontal opposition I can start to see the decreasingly subtle differences. The things I don't fancy, the things I would or prefer to do differently, not for them being wrong as a they are or how are done but for my enhanced, arbitrary, subjective enjoyment. Like things I personally want to do now, or in a while, or in the future. My life beyond an endless comparison with others. My earned independence. My own self.

---------------------------

Surfing was amazing, though I didn't fell in love like Cam or all these people. Their tribe is warm and welcoming, I'm really grateful and might repeat the experience just fine, yet it's not 100% my tribe. But you know what I'm dying to take back? Sailing. I love the sea and I love the wind, and I discovered I find myself strangely comfortable inside a wetsuit, but in surf you have to do all the work yourself. Nah, I'd rather have a vessel, combine the two elements and be a catalyst of magic, rather than agent. If that makes sense. I shall explore the possibility. 

Socialising as I mentioned was super awkward at first, or as Cam and everyone else here would agree on, I felt it that way myself. But in just some hours it became way more smooth. Yo, I'm dealing with surfers here, no matter how I'd handled it, I'm literally on the top of the social scale of cool. My 10 year old self would call bullshit on me so fucking hard if I could somehow tell him. I also didn't spaghetti the fuck up when dealing with nourishment (or hygiene). I've been eating just fine I believe, even if my stomach is complaining and rebelling most of the time. 

-On a side note, keeping the heteronormative facade was a nuisance, but manageable. It's harder to do it without outright lying (aka, saying I'm dating a girl), I'd completely hate to do that.-

So I guess here ends my chronicle of this trip, yet I might edit if something else comes to my mind. Next time I write, I'll be back in Spain. 

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Sounds like a great meetup, I hope you enjoyed it. Cam lives in the moment, I would recommend trying it at least for short periods, you'll feel a lot more relaxed and enjoying the smaller details of life rather than being caught up in the "what ifs"

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Sounds like a great meetup, I hope you enjoyed it. Cam lives in the moment, I would recommend trying it at least for short periods, you'll feel a lot more relaxed and enjoying the smaller details of life rather than being caught up in the "what ifs"

Damn right you are.

------------------------------------------------------

Back in Spain, lots of plans. Bad day. My bf came to town for a little bit and offered to hang but I said I was tired. In hindsight, I don't feel that tired, so now I regret it. Not just not seeing him but let slip all the inertia from the trip. Also relapsed on PMO. Shit. But no panic. I can fix it. I will.

Also, I left a review to my shared car driver praising him greatly but mentioning he ate and drank coffee while driving. I also mentioned he waited until we were alone in the road at reduced speed and that we didn't even mind him doing it, but he took it completely the wrong way. Went to WhatsApp and lashed out at me, calling me an hypocrite, freak, loner and so on. Trying to hurt my feelings and exploit any insecurities I might hold about being a videogame ex-addict after I had the trust of sharing my story with him. To be honest, I don't give a fuck about his opinion, and I'm so damn proud for it. Even if it feels super weird for me to have enemies. My only concern, if any, is about the way of connecting with people in general. On one hand we always hear in this community about how important is to be around authentic people you can feel bond with, and for me the ability to take constructive criticism head-on is essential. On the other hand, asking the same thing to complete strangers may be too much; I recognize that my own ability to take criticism (outwardly) is not common at all and stems from loads and loads of family-fired flak. I'll think about it, but no rush, it's more of a "practice makes perfect" thing.

tl;dr: nah, just me bein' socially awkward, but no big deal

Edited by Hitaru

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Don't feel discouraged @Hitaru, that sounds like his self-defense mechanism because he was hurt by your comments.

I went through a similar phase when I first started working after university; I couldn't find the balance between being open and connecting with people so I didn't feel so isolated, and not oversharing with people who didn't deserve it. The end result is situations like you experienced, being hurt by people using your stories or experiences back against yourself. I wish I had some kind of piece of advice of how to deal with it, but I don't! Over time I became more selective with what I shared, and with whom, especially when I was at work. But what I can say is don't be discouraged, otherwise you won't connect at all with anyone.

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What an awesome story! I hope you learnt a lot from hanging out with Cam and the surfers.

I hope the relapse wasn't significant, and all the best for getting back on track socially.

Great to see you're doing such in-depth reflections too! :)

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 -On a side note, keeping the heteronormative facade was a nuisance, but manageable. It's harder to do it without outright lying (aka, saying I'm dating a girl), I'd completely hate to do that

Hey sounds like a good experience with cam. Thanks for the well written reflection.

Why did you even keep a facade up? Is there really so much homophobia in the world? I am always astonished if people feel like they need to do that.

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@giblets Right? What a soft-skinned ego some people have. I mean he could have omitted the man-child rant and go straight for the "Dude, I think that wasn't right". And yes, I also have experienced that awkward back-stabbing (not much thankfully, I've much more witnessed it). Telling my story is kind of important, saw @Cam Adair doing it all the time in such a smooth way and working so well, thought I could give it a try as well, but no more; looks I'm clearly the Watson of this relationship lol. No but seriously tho, I'll be more careful (and trust my first impression profiling more, I know it's kind of a dick move but the evidence shows I tend to be right. People don't have to know...)

@AlexTheGrape Thanks! No big deal, always bouncing back and forth, that's how it is. Getting better at it each time. Not just with people but everything in general. I'm thankful for this gradual transformation and the chance life gave me to go through it.

@WorkInProgress Uh, complicated topic. I didn't feel they would outright beat me (firstly out of respect for my straight friend and nearest macho Cam, secondly because I didn't get that much homophobic vibes), but I certainly felt they would take me less seriously somehow. If it was a prejudice, we shall never know, but I prefer to play it safe. It's all in the subtleties. Like, someone makes a joke about me sucking one of the other guys dick for 40€ (it actually happened though I'm not sure how we arrived to that point) and I have to keep a straight face-no-pun-intended as if oh yes, that would be, like, super humiliating for my masculinity. Well, maybe prostitution would be, but the guy was well worth 40 dol... erm. Absolutely bad. Of course!

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@WorkInProgress Uh, complicated topic. I didn't feel they would outright beat me (firstly out of respect for my straight friend and nearest macho Cam, secondly because I didn't get that much homophobic vibes), but I certainly felt they would take me less seriously somehow. If it was a prejudice, we shall never know, but I prefer to play it safe. It's all in the subtleties. Like, someone makes a joke about me sucking one of the other guys dick for 40€ (it actually happened though I'm not sure how we arrived to that point) and I have to keep a straight face-no-pun-intended as if oh yes, that would be, like, super humiliating for my masculinity. Well, maybe prostitution would be, but the guy was well worth 40 dol... erm. Absolutely bad. Of course!

Unfortunate lack of progress in our dude culture it was.

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@WorkInProgress

 Uh, complicated topic. I didn't feel they would outright beat me (firstly out of respect for my straight friend and nearest macho Cam, secondly because I didn't get that much homophobic vibes), but I certainly felt they would take me less seriously somehow. If it was a prejudice, we shall never know, but I prefer to play it safe. It's all in the subtleties. Like, someone makes a joke about me sucking one of the other guys dick for 40€ (it actually happened though I'm not sure how we arrived to that point) and I have to keep a straight face-no-pun-intended as if oh yes, that would be, like, super humiliating for my masculinity. Well, maybe prostitution would be, but the guy was well worth 40 dol... erm. Absolutely bad. Of course!

I see what you mean. When do you show people/friends your sexuality in normal life? I have gay aquaintances who would have used this opportunity to let the gay bomb explode and make a suggestivly comment (like you did in this comment) to provoke some laughs.

Maybe it is somehow grounded in the tabu of talking about your sexuality. I recognized that this is kind of a tabu-topic in Southern-Europe and America. Here in Germany it is (atleast fo my social circle) pretty normal to be open about that stuff. We maybe don't share out fetishes and intimite details about our sexlives but only because it is the gentleman way and not because it would make anyone feel especially uncomfortable. How does the spainish culture handle non-normative sexual orientations?

Edited by WorkInProgress

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@Cam Adair Yeah... But it's slowly getting better and hey, I was only 50% oppressed, I can still bandwagon on sexual jokes and commentary about girls (?) I had an amazing time anyway, honestly. 

@WorkInProgress Spain is surprisingly tolerant with the L and G letters of the collective, things considered. We were much faster to approve gay marriage than say, France or Germany, even with our Church being more entrenched. My guess may be a bit unconventional, but I think a good chunk of the spanish population feel very bitter and ashamed for the dictatorship and consider we are "behind European standards" so as society we tend to go bananas with social issues. Spain must go forward to catch up at all costs, or back to the old days as God and the Caudillo intended. Practically none in-betweens and if they are, people consider them not "commited" or "serious" enough (even if they later play it safe when voting); it's been getting worse since 2008. So, either you're super progressive, super conservative, or you don't care at all. Ah, the good old black and white infighting. Smells just like home. It's actually a bit more complex than that, I could elaborate if you're interested.

Bisexuals still get the butt of the joke and the depravity meme, it can be annoying but also played straight for laughs if you're not super shy about sexuality like me. 

With transexuals and queers (either in gender, expression or both) you can clearly see the contradiction I mentioned. Many don't get "the point" of them, but very few will speak up (even from a position of plain ignorance) for fear of being accused of intolerant. So they just shut up and mumble until they don't anymore, given enough time. Same happened with gays before. The way I've experienced it, Foucault was right: there doesn't seem to be morally superior ideologies, being progressive is just "in" nowadays and may as well change someday. Or not. Anyway that means the most effective approach is to isolate and give absolute silent treatment to undesirable ideas until they go away, even if we assume that majorities are simply built by arbitrary strength of numbers. The most convincing for emotional reasons wins. The rest shall be ostracised. May be different in the northern countries utopia, you can tell us about it :P

I get the impression Spaniards are still a tiny little bit meek when talking about sex (beyond bluffing and bragging I mean) but with me in particular it just get ridiculous. I literally tear up in shame when discussing absolutely normal things with my SO. No religious or conservative education so I'm not sure where the hell does that come from. My thoughts on this are a mess, like you wouldn't believe.

--------------------

02/10/17 

Ah man, good day today. I woke up early, went to the dock and signed up for sailing lessons next week, right away. I used to sail "double-hull" ships (don't know the English equivalent) and now I'm going to try "single-hull". Lighter, faster... and a mess to refloat. Then I met with a friend, had breakfast together, was socially awkward with a bartender, hanged a bit more at the beach while said friend smoked pot (I'm getting used to be around smokers without feeling strange for smoking as well), had lunch, and then a siesta under the sun (which was amazing and got rid of a whole batch of anxiety I was breeding) went to work on GQ related stuff (great progress btw!) and definitely checked on classes/personal training. I didn't know but the guy they had in mind for me apparently is ex-Naval Infantry, Spec-Ops brigade. In spanish jargon that means a godless beast. If it's true or not and they are just taking advantage from my desperation is yet to be seen, but I would't really mind an embellised story as long as he knows what he's doing. He seemed like an alright guy to me at least. Please gods of random happenings let the guy be true and the fee just. 

03/10/17

First day of official work for GQ. Slow, sloooow. Failed on many good habits. Not a good day. Still, small progress. Not giving up.

I'm in an awkward situation with my boyfriend right now and that may have made me more absent-minded. These two days I've been more isolated than usual, focusing on things to do rather than needed conversations. I don't recognize my usual self in this behavior, but I guess the proper thoughts and words just got... stuck. Now it's late, but I'll try to elaborate as well tomorrow. 

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@WorkInProgress Spain is surprisingly tolerant with the L and G letters of the collective, things considered. We were much faster to approve gay marriage than say, France or Germany, even with our Church being more entrenched. My guess may be a bit unconventional, but I think a good chunk of the spanish population feel very bitter and ashamed for the dictatorship and consider we are "behind European standards" so as society we tend to go bananas with social issues. Spain must go forward to catch up at all costs, or back to the old days as God and the Caudillo intended. Practically none in-betweens and if they are, people consider them not "commited" or "serious" enough (even if they later play it safe when voting); it's been getting worse since 2008. So, either you're super progressive, super conservative, or you don't care at all. Ah, the good old black and white infighting. Smells just like home. It's actually a bit more complex than that, I could elaborate if you're interested.

Bisexuals still get the butt of the joke and the depravity meme, it can be annoying but also played straight for laughs if you're not super shy about sexuality like me. 

With transexuals and queers (either in gender, expression or both) you can clearly see the contradiction I mentioned. Many don't get "the point" of them, but very few will speak up (even from a position of plain ignorance) for fear of being accused of intolerant. So they just shut up and mumble until they don't anymore, given enough time. Same happened with gays before. The way I've experienced it, Foucault was right: there doesn't seem to be morally superior ideologies, being progressive is just "in" nowadays and may as well change someday. Or not. Anyway that means the most effective approach is to isolate and give absolute silent treatment to undesirable ideas until they go away, even if we assume that majorities are simply built by arbitrary strength of numbers. The most convincing for emotional reasons wins. The rest shall be ostracised. May be different in the northern countries utopia, you can tell us about it :P

Interesting. I would say up here in Germany the topic isn't that hot. Most discussion are about the refugity situation and genderquestions tend to be not that intensly discussed. Even the ultra-right-populistic AFD has an lesbien party leader. It just is kind of accepted that people can have other sexual likings and nobody cares which seems like a good modell because it isn't something special to be gay/transgender/or whatever. It is jsut how you are. There is surely still alot of homophobia around but atleast in the media, politics and my personal circle this is the leading attitude (nobody cares).

I get the impression Spaniards are still a tiny little bit meek when talking about sex (beyond bluffing and bragging I mean) but with me in particular it just get ridiculous. I literally tear up in shame when discussing absolutely normal things with my SO. No religious or conservative education so I'm not sure where the hell does that come from. My thoughts on this are a mess, like you wouldn't believe.

I can sympathize with you there. Before I met my wife I always had the nagging feeling that I am not allowed to have sexual feelings because I would be inherently asexual to girls around me. Of course that was BS but left to big insecurity about this issues and a feeling of shame. It got better as I opened up to her about this feelings and could see that this obviously wasn't true. But it was and still is a work in progress for me to.

What are you doing as official part of the gamequitters team? I was wondering when cam would split is numerous endeavors a bit and give away some responsibilities. It seems like he has a little much different stuff (youtube,podcast,forum, speaking gigs ant cooperation with universities) on his plate right now .

I hope everything turns out all right for you. I still remember how you joined this forum as an absolute mess. It is really great to see you evolve and getting your shit together.

PS: If you dislike me spamming your personal journal we can move this chat to pm's.

 

 

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I hope everything turns out all right for you. I still remember how you joined this forum as an absolute mess. It is really great to see you evolve and getting your shit together.

haha made me laugh. Love how honest we can all be with each other. As I told Hitaru, his progress has been an inspiration. ????

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@WorkInProgress Only the gender question is hot, not the gay question, and only in more "intellectual" circles. The rest of the people simply shrugs. Shrug means tolerance but not always sincere acceptance. Progress takes time, but things are going forward. Gay people in every national party in Spain as well, though for the right is probably for propagandistic reasons. A specific sector of the right, that is. 

I can sympathize with you there. Before I met my wife I always had the nagging feeling that I am not allowed to have sexual feelings because I would be inherently asexual to girls around me. Of course that was BS but left to big insecurity about this issues and a feeling of shame. It got better as I opened up to her about this feelings and could see that this obviously wasn't true. But it was and still is a work in progress for me to.

Yeah, me too! I believed being sexual would be nothing but oppresive to the girls around me. After all, I'm a male, a human specimen with inherent proclivity to violence and rape. Right? Riiiight? I honestly believed it, or at least noticed how awkward was for the girls to reject people's advances and how seemingly stupid was to lose standing friendships for "merely physical and hormonal manifestations". So I didn't want to take part in that circle. The reproductive circle. How silly. In the end, the image you believe of yourself is the image you'll start to project outside. If you approach girls with the honest inner conviction that you're up to nothing wrong, 9 out of 10 or more will also get that impression. Must be non-verbal language or something in the air.

What are you doing as official part of the gamequitters team? I was wondering when cam would split is numerous endeavors a bit and give away some responsibilities. It seems like he has a little much different stuff (youtube,podcast,forum, speaking gigs ant cooperation with universities) on his plate right now 

I also had this impression from long time ago, but didn't want to come across as pushy or ambitious. "I'm not in the position of telling a man who's being working for himself for 8+ years how to do his own job", that's what I thought. The translations were also coming painfully slow and well, I also didn't want to bite more than I can chew. But I'm not stepping back without trying for sure. I was wasting way too much time doing nothing, I strongly believe I'm up to the challenge if I organize myself properly.

My current responsibilities are: 

1. Mail 2. Moderating the forum and taking care of the community (plans being made) 3. Social media 4. Uploading stuff 5. Miscellaneous. My hands are full right now, and despite the stress, couldn't be happier with it.

I'm getting the impression I'll be posting a bit less in my own journal, but you'll see me around in other places. Hitarupower set to the max.

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"I believed being sexual would be nothing but oppresive to the girls around me." 

Sounds pretty familiar. Similar addictions from similar problems comes to different people. %) 

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I could organize the first wave of work and feels awesome. Also, I'm sick today to celebrate it. But nevermind, I'm still going on with my stuff. Nothing screams "normalcy" better than not stoping life in its tracks at the first sign of discomfort. 

What a crap day today. I made a mistake about the dates of my courses twice, both in the morning and in the afternoon. I spent money going to places for nothing, stumbled upon annoying people and this stomach ache is killing me.

On the plus side, I guess I was able to meet my imaginary responsibilities, so ok. I wanted routine, and routine I got. Something still feels lacking, but it doesn't feel like a big thing. Maybe a hobby?

Edited by Hitaru

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Today I scored a 80% success.

Went sailing, amazing. And a bit scary, I was alone with the instructor in a boat designed for 3 or 4 (Omega class, if someone here understands) and it probably took some higher power mercy for us to stay afloat. On the good side, undivided attention and lots of actual sailing time for me, yes. Tomorrow more. Pushing the boat down and up the ramps is way worse than any work-out, I'm already dreading it. 

I ate healthy as the trainer instructed me and I can feel the energy settling in (or rather coming back to) my body each time, which is a great sign. Probably this was the key all this time, that I need a little but constant input of nourishment. I'll have to perfect the habit, but so far is acceptable. 

I went to the gym and while it was a group class and I made some mistakes, didn't leave disappointed. I can't wait to keep going and see results.

Side note:

I received a mail from the hostel Cam and I stayed. Just skimmed through it, but I can already tell is bad. I left another of my "honest" reviews and the woman wrote me back in what I interpret is a mix of annoyance and disappointment. Never use exaggeration as a lighthearted joke in a review.

Actually I should simply stop spitting my stupid opinions when they are obviously not wanted. The whole "feedback" scheme is a fraud. People only expect you to say "Aww it was amashing thnks u <3" and if you don't then bam, an asshole you are. A party-pisser. A terrible guest. How dare you tell what you saw or think you saw, objectively, even if yes, I could of course make mistakes in judgement and yes, I am the first one wishing I could have elaborated and explained that some things weren't actually bad and I wasn't complaining, but it's hard to express yourself in less that 500 characters. And no, I'm not quoting her, just thoughts in my mind.

The whole travel thing, especially when young and cheap, is about improvising, not being offered a good service. You pay for your enthusiasm, not for the expected service. You reach the destination and whatever happens, happens. Every commentary you make will make you look bad, like not enlightened enough by the experience of just being able to be there. Like you should have stayed in your comfy-bitch-asshole mansion. And again no, I'm not saying she offered us a bad service, it's just the trend I've noticed so far in the places I've been. People acting all offended all the time because you don't kiss their feet for just letting you out of capitalist kindness to not sleep on the streets. I know travelers and tourists can be a real pain but come the fuck on, sigh. 

Edited by Hitaru

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Nah, forget about what I said, it was just a silly rant without any actual base.

I'm doing awesome. I'm almost ready to take the entrance tests with the maximum scores. I can jump 2 meters (forward without running), do 30 abs, around 10 push-ups and run for five minutes without much effort. It's been only 5 days of training and there's a month left. Just what in the world man. I was always the worst at school. Life trolls you in myseterious ways, but hey, I'm healthy now. Healthier. Looking forward to see more improvements!

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I've been working on all the social media infrastructure for Game Quitters in Spanish and it's mostly set. Now it only needs... people. Workin' on it.

A bit boring day, but fine overall.

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Your English has improved. Drastically.

You no longer sound awkward, so your overly complex neurotic monologues are actually readable now. A lot easier to skim over :^). And I experience a lot of the same as I'm incredibly neurotic as well, and like you, I've gotten better at dealing with it. To a certain degree, I'd say I've ever embraced it - embraced in a sense of realizing that this is the way I am, and that the best I can do is develop ways of coping with it instead of trying to change who I fundamentally am.

With regards to gay stuff (the "heteronormative facade"), you need to realize that pretty much no one gives a fuck. The vast majority of people are too involved in their own personal dramas to truly care about how some other person looks or acts. They do notice, sure, and they may even comment on it one way or another, but it's just a small blip on the ladscape of their days. And either way, they don't get a say - only you do.

As an online friend of mine said: you can either fight them or fight yourself. (To which I'd add that you can never win when you fight yourself.)

This is really more of a general remark I felt like making while looking over your latest posts. All in all, it's intriguing to see how much you've improved over time. Things truly do get better.

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@Marquess Wait, did I sound awkward because my neuroticism or because my broken English? Thanks for the compliment anyway! 

You know, I can't help but feel the last 30 pages of my journal are completely skippable. It's just me saying "Duh, I did nothing today, duh I'm struggling" over and over again. I'm glad I'm finally coming out of that stage but at the same time have this odd nostalgia about the beginning. It was more authentic, more raw "me", even if "bad me" whom I never want to face again (yet I will at some point, I know. Life is circles. I'm only getting better at it).

It is as you say, like you I'm also in the process of assuming who I am and act accordingly. There are choices, but you must understand first the inner workings, the beasts down below, and then choose. Those beasts (or rather their manifestations) are custom made for the most part. You sail, right, but you have to understand the tides, when you'll feel high, when you'll feel low and why, what actions to take... Nothing that you don't know already.

About the gay stuff, yes, quite. There are people completely obsessed about not letting other people do what they want, but those are a slim (and dangerous) minority. Where I live at least. You're right in that a comment or whatever has a much larger impact on the receiving end. I don't think anyone has ever said "Yo, it was a blast when I verbally put that fag in his place 5 years ago" and surprise surprise, I bet you (and me, and most people) can recall perfectly something nasty some stranger said ages ago.

Personally, I don't feel LGTBIQetc rights a struggle. Just being is already revolutionary sometimes. I will speak up if I feel I have to but it's not a priority. That's probably a sign that things are going at least ok in my society. Perhaps I wouldn't think the same if I was in Saudi Arabia. Social justice is legacy and legacy was another fallacy to avoid considering the consequences of mortality right? Or not, I'm the one wanting to do politicky stuff after all.

Man, so many things I wanted to say for so long. As always the good Marquess. So glad to have you back. 

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I mean, I've been around my town's gay scene enough to understand how prevalent things like drug use and promiscuity are in those circles, and it's not something I ever want to associate myself with. The entire LGBT scene, actually. And that's without even going into the politics side of it.

Ultimately, you only have one life, and the fact is that there's no healthy way for normal people to ever accept this stuff. You can get tolerance, and I suppose you can even force some extra privileges, but you'll never be like one of them. Because you're not. There definitely are situations in which hiding the fact that you're gay can benefit you.

I see you write things like, "today was 80% success ...", and my immediate thought is that yeah, that's how normal, functional life looks like.

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I mean, I've been around my town's gay scene enough to understand how prevalent things like drug use and promiscuity are in those circles, and it's not something I ever want to associate myself with. The entire LGBT scene, actually. And that's without even going into the politics side of it.

Ultimately, you only have one life, and the fact is that there's no healthy way for normal people to ever accept this stuff. You can get tolerance, and I suppose you can even force some extra privileges, but you'll never be like one of them. Because you're not. There definitely are situations in which hiding the fact that you're gay can benefit you.

I see your point, but you must understand there is LGBT and then drugs. Drugs are completely their own topic, and if you ask me, I find absolutely ridiculous any kind of association between drugs and freedom or reivindication of any sort. They are just chemicals you take to artificially alter your state of mind (nothing against self-poisoning, it's their own body). Sometimes called ideology. 

Then there is the scene. The scene is... complex, to say the least. It's a lot of formerly repressed people trying to cope and find themselves. Damaged people sometimes. Not wrong or worthless because of it. So of course drugs and irresponsible behaviors come into the mix. But that has nothing to do with being LGBT in itself. Like same sex? Congrats, you're LGB (and some T). Feel gender is wrong? You're T. The rest is social behavioral bullshit. Like the hetero scene with clubbing. Own codes. Own issues. Own people screwing things around. Decent people on every side. That's the way I see it. If I'm not normal for being bi and not gay normal for not taking drugs, boy, I must be another kind of rebel.

Then there is of course the "other" kind of gay. :ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

59e76e6eb59a0_Bundesarchiv_Bild_102-1528

 

 

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Well, well! Two of the 4 exercises asked are a solid 10/10 done. I can jump 2.10 and nearing 40 abs. Running is also getting steadily better. Push-ups are my heel, but I guess that's what I get in exchange of the natural lower body prowess. Guess I'll have to take back fencing again!

(That said, keeping a sword guard where it should is no laughing matter, my worst physical experience was definitely trying fencing untrained)

I'm officially called to do the physical tests and psychological evaluation on the 14th next month. @Cam Adair, you'll have to stop saying so merrily that I was once in a Psychiatric Ward when announcing my case study until then :ph34r:

[And for the record, I didn't "end" (as in "admitted into"), I just slept there once in observation. No shirt around my arms or anything. In the morning I was so fine I swear I caught several doctors staring at me as if I had freeloaded the bed and dinner. Hmph!] 

Ah yes! The case study. That was another goal achieved this week. I feel more happy than proud or any other emotion for having told my story. There was face reveal involved, dun dun. The implications are mild but definitive, if someone wants to look anything about me, that article will show up (and perhaps more in the future).

EXISTENTIALISM WARNING: So as to now, the only testimonials of my presence in this world are some awarded joke narrative I wrote in high-school and a story proving that I was a game addict. If I died now, that would be "me".

Can't say it doesn't describe me well as I currently am, but at the same time makes my blood boil in anticipation. I want to do more! 

And I shall. Life began happening slowly again, instead of the blur of pointless days and weeks and months. Half of this year passed in an awkward sneeze, but if things fall in its right place, it will be worth. It always is in the end. 

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