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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Create, man. Set your own path, it's your life - own it like you want it. Some sort of financial independence will smooth your family relationships. Maybe the military is a good option.

I'm starting to believe it too!

I didn't study yesterday and now I regret it, but I'll study double today and done. Positive mindset. The good news is I've been able to start waking up in the mornings a g a i n. Seriously, I don't know how many times I'll need to go through this, but it's really easy to mess up the rythms without a routine. Or hard to keep the good ones. Or both. First exam in 5 days, and while is not essential it is actually essential I need those extra points I don't have too much hope. Whatever, just keep going. 

On Thursday I had a meaningful (and dramatic) conversation with a friend. It's not the kind of friend you'd normally expect, she's middle-aged and way more a surrogate mother figure than standard friend. I'm fairly sure I mentioned her before. The conversation revolved about adult fears (completely well-founded, soon-to-be facts) in her life and it was really tough. Regarding my own issues, I told her about what's currently going on at home and we discussed the possibility of me staying some days in her (their) place until I sort out my exams, so I can have some space to think about my future with perspective. We haven't advanced on that field since it was brought to the table. I'll ask her later. Not for pressure, just for info. The idea is not very practical, and certainly wouldn't be a permanent solution to my family problem. But, it's there.

What I DID yesterday, hold your nachos, was confront a girl about my PMO problem and the very specific way she (or rather a lewd made-up version of her in my mind) was unknowingly involved for years. Oh, and that I once took creepshots of her, and I was sorry. I truly am.
 
I did it sober, with no benefit or end-goal in sight, only to watch the world burn fix my trigger pattern with her once and for all. I thought if I had an unconfortable conversation, the annoyed and humiliated real life version of her would outweigh the fictional one. She hasn't replied yet (and to be honest I don't expect anything else than a block in all social media, police knocking at my door and her boyfriend beating me to death in a back alley) but so far, it's been working like a charm.

I’m running dangerously short of items in the list of “Most awkward things you can do in life”. I'm not cringy, just... unconventional, ok? I also don't wear a fedora or embarrasing T-shirts, so @Cam Adair@Vlad, don't worry, I pass as normie just fine. Well, a bit nerdy, but that's just my face. And my speech. And my glasses. But that's trendy now, right? Just don't make me dance anything else than slavic drunken hardbass.

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It's all good, you're doing fine.

And don't give up on fedora hats all together xD, they are not that bad.

I'll give you a weird perspective (as i always do xD) that might be useful, I've learned that from an acquaintance some time ago. So here it goes:

Confidence and confident behavior is never about you personally. It's about the people that associate with you. People have a tendency to self-evaluate based on their social group. So if your pals are confident and solid guys, you tend to think that you're alright as well, whether you're wearing fedoras or shorts or bowties or like quirky things. In return you have to be and act confident too back them up and keep them feeling good and worthy too.

It works just the same way in my business as well. My employees have faith that if a conflict situation arises I will definitely step in, look at a situation objectively, back them up, resolve the situation in a most mutually benefical way possible and batter the opposition (clients included) into submission if they are abusive of my employees. If my employees fuck up I scold the them in private but never tear them down in front of others. Managers who act the opposite way are weaklings that can't take responsibility. Employees need my confidence to feel secure, and I need their confidence to reinforce the role of being the real deal.

So, in conlusion I believe that confidence is all about mutual support and not just about being some cool guy. I find this perspective very helpful in building and maintaining confidence. Shifting the paradigm from yourself to the outer world makes you way less self-conscious and shy - think like a director not like an actor.

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I think you might be onto something @Vlad.

Come to think about it, all of my friends are more or less stuck in life and unsure about the future. All of them. The most optimistic is my boyfriend and he was the latest addition. Does that mean I'm subtly improving the tier of my networking? I'm always struggling to keep in touch with these friends. Perhaps it's time to cut ties and start clean. They can always jump inside the train if I get my life moving, and then it would fall to me to allow them to join or not. That might be a smart mindset. 

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I think you might be onto something @Vlad.

Come to think about it, all of my friends are more or less stuck in life and unsure about the future. All of them. The most optimistic is my boyfriend and he was the latest addition. Does that mean I'm subtly improving the tier of my networking? I'm always struggling to keep in touch with these friends. Perhaps it's time to cut ties and start clean. They can always jump inside the train if I get my life moving, and then it would fall to me to allow them to join or not. That might be a smart mindset. 

It's very smart, Hitaru, honestly it's up to them to make that desicion just i would be careful not to force it on them. ;)

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Absolutely @BigPete247, friendship is not something to be forced on people. However how many times have we latched onto people we didn't like or weren't really in tune with us for the sake of company? (Or companionship, what's the difference?).

Trigger Girl acted all adult and blocked me without reply. I gave details about the whole story in the spanish speaking thread of NoFap which I've been frequenting lately. I might throw a translation in "the other journal" at some point in the future. 

Without even realizing I've started to talk about my story and struggles in my native language, both in NoFap and here. It just came natural to me at some point. My testimony here is still in construction, I prefer to tell the full thing before allowing future comments and discussion if they happen (perks of being moderator) but I wish you could read spanish guys. It's turning out really nice, if I'm one to judge. I always believed the language barrier would be something much more traumatic. If anything, I'm mostly struggling with not going overboard with sidetracks, fancy words and other staples of my written communication. I want it to be on point, readable, and most importantly, impactful. 

This morning I had a great intimate time with my bf. I told him all the story with Trigger Girl which made him equal parts exasperated and understanding. I am a creep and technically a criminal, and if I was someone else and the girl a friend of his, he would have advised to denounce me. On the other hand, it's me. What kind of argument is that? But then he said something about me trying to exit the patriarchy matrix and bettering myself so I guess it makes sense. Also that I focus too much in highlighting my defects/shortcomings/weaknesses. I take virtues for granted. Spent topic, still relevant, until I change my ways. I also told him I was really sorry for being a downer lately (I'm also sorry for having being a downer here too, people). Spent some time at the beach, shared a lunch, then lovemaking ensued... simpler pleasures of life. 

Later this night (some hours ago) a friend invited me to watch a film at his place. There were more known faces there which I warmly welcomed. Another friend known for her existentialism was the one to suggest the movie, Into the Wild if I remember right. Based on a true story life of a young lad heavily influenced by the 90s who snaps from yuppie life and travels America alone. I'm turning 23 in 5 days, give my heart a break. The guy was an upper class Ivy League graduate, I have basic education, just fucking no. Just two more years buddy. Two years in military or a successful business in copywriting, whichever happens first. Then I travel. I want to go East. Russia. Kazakhstan. Iran. Mongolia. Russia. China perhaps. Corea, Japan, then jump to the Americas, perhaps going all the way south till Tierra del Fuego. That or Oceania but then I'd have to turn and go to India. Plans, plans.

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Have you read Vagabonding by Rolf Potts yet? Really good!

Don't do this to me man, I really need to have a normie life. :P

Probably!

You know what would be cool? Travelling Quitter. Remember that drawing in Algeria? How about doodling and planting stickers everywhere around the world? Politely of course, no contamination of patrimony. Oh boy, that would be the stuff. Dreams.

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Another lazy summer day with an exam I both despise and still haven't studied for approaching, in hopes to earn points for another exam I pushed myself to do, to get into a desperate job I lack the skills and mindset for, because I'm too afraid to pursue my true self.

Damn, if you say it like that...

The option of getting out home I talked about before was officially discarded, hence my gloomy mood. I was suggested to find a job. I actually want to. Any job. But there's no future in Spain and shitty jobs abroad for high-school dropouts are not advertised anywhere. It's a trap. There's so much people, so much competition. I feel like drowning with no way out. I'm not that smart to figure this shit out by myself. But I can't give up either, not after coming this far.

Currently, these are my options:

1. Stay at home, keep studying at a really sub-par level due to the oppressive atmosphere and most probably fail.

2. Find a job right now and fuck off asap from here, and either keep studying for military or use the economic freedom to reconsider my life options. 

What seems clear now is I need any kind of income and most ideally, enough of it to rent a room somewhere. I must focus wholeheartedly on this but the options are... very few. I am not giving up, but I don't know where to look at.

Really guys. I am really sorry for bringing this up again, and again, and again, for two years straight. I must sound super fucking dumb and obnoxious. There must be a really simple answer out there I'm grossly missing out.

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All this is meant in a costructive and noncritical way.

What's your employment history like? You seem a little hesitant about earning a living. If I project that onto me: I'm usually hesitant about things I've never done, but want to be instantly good at. If you haven't had a job I strongly suggest that you take any job and just do it for a while (maybe a month or two). There's nothing wrong with fucking up or being fired. Once you amass a little experience you'll feel very comfortable with getting and working jobs and making money in general. Employment and financial independence will stop being your problem of focus.

My evaluation may be very very wrong, I'm just interpreting your stated worries and projecting them onto myself.

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All this is meant in a costructive and noncritical way.

What's your employment history like? You seem a little hesitant about earning a living. If I project that onto me: I'm usually hesitant about things I've never done, but want to be instantly good at. If you haven't had a job I strongly suggest that you take any job and just do it for a while (maybe a month or two). There's nothing wrong with fucking up or being fired. Once you amass a little experience you'll feel very comfortable with getting and working jobs and making money in general. Employment and financial independence will stop being your problem of focus.

My evaluation may be very very wrong, I'm just interpreting your stated worries and projecting them onto myself.

None, never worked. My chances are sales, sales and... sales. It's a dead end, no one ever buys in my region, we're fairly poor, but then why are there so many job offers for that? Intriguing. I also don't have a car. Think I should try that field (despite I dislike it quite a bit)?

["Many" means around 20 at a specific time for a population of 120000+ people]

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Have you read Vagabonding by Rolf Potts yet? Really good!

Don't do this to me man, I really need to have a normie life. :P

Probably!

You know what would be cool? Travelling Quitter. Remember that drawing in Algeria? How about doodling and planting stickers everywhere around the world? Politely of course, no contamination of patrimony. Oh boy, that would be the stuff. Dreams.

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Absolutely @BigPete247, friendship is not something to be forced on people. However how many times have we latched onto people we didn't like or weren't really in tune with us for the sake of company? (Or companionship, what's the difference?).

Trigger Girl acted all adult and blocked me without reply. I gave details about the whole story in the spanish speaking thread of NoFap which I've been frequenting lately. I might throw a translation in "the other journal" at some point in the future. 

Without even realizing I've started to talk about my story and struggles in my native language, both in NoFap and here. It just came natural to me at some point. My testimony here is still in construction, I prefer to tell the full thing before allowing future comments and discussion if they happen (perks of being moderator) but I wish you could read spanish guys. It's turning out really nice, if I'm one to judge. I always believed the language barrier would be something much more traumatic. If anything, I'm mostly struggling with not going overboard with sidetracks, fancy words and other staples of my written communication. I want it to be on point, readable, and most importantly, impactful. 

This morning I had a great intimate time with my bf. I told him all the story with Trigger Girl which made him equal parts exasperated and understanding. I am a creep and technically a criminal, and if I was someone else and the girl a friend of his, he would have advised to denounce me. On the other hand, it's me. What kind of argument is that? But then he said something about me trying to exit the patriarchy matrix and bettering myself so I guess it makes sense. Also that I focus too much in highlighting my defects/shortcomings/weaknesses. I take virtues for granted. Spent topic, still relevant, until I change my ways. I also told him I was really sorry for being a downer lately (I'm also sorry for having being a downer here too, people). Spent some time at the beach, shared a lunch, then lovemaking ensued... simpler pleasures of life. 

Later this night (some hours ago) a friend invited me to watch a film at his place. There were more known faces there which I warmly welcomed. Another friend known for her existentialism was the one to suggest the movie, Into the Wild if I remember right. Based on a true story life of a young lad heavily influenced by the 90s who snaps from yuppie life and travels America alone. I'm turning 23 in 5 days, give my heart a break. The guy was an upper class Ivy League graduate, I have basic education, just fucking no. Just two more years buddy. Two years in military or a successful business in copywriting, whichever happens first. Then I travel. I want to go East. Russia. Kazakhstan. Iran. Mongolia. Russia. China perhaps. Corea, Japan, then jump to the Americas, perhaps going all the way south till Tierra del Fuego. That or Oceania but then I'd have to turn and go to India. Plans, plans.

Nearly, all the time, i once made a friend who keep stealing from me and i knew it was wrong but didn't say anything because i knew somewhere deep down he was a really good person. Just needed to stay out of trouble. Couldn't trust people after that.

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Absolutely @BigPete247, friendship is not something to be forced on people. However how many times have we latched onto people we didn't like or weren't really in tune with us for the sake of company? (Or companionship, what's the difference?).

Trigger Girl acted all adult and blocked me without reply. I gave details about the whole story in the spanish speaking thread of NoFap which I've been frequenting lately. I might throw a translation in "the other journal" at some point in the future. 

Without even realizing I've started to talk about my story and struggles in my native language, both in NoFap and here. It just came natural to me at some point. My testimony here is still in construction, I prefer to tell the full thing before allowing future comments and discussion if they happen (perks of being moderator) but I wish you could read spanish guys. It's turning out really nice, if I'm one to judge. I always believed the language barrier would be something much more traumatic. If anything, I'm mostly struggling with not going overboard with sidetracks, fancy words and other staples of my written communication. I want it to be on point, readable, and most importantly, impactful. 

This morning I had a great intimate time with my bf. I told him all the story with Trigger Girl which made him equal parts exasperated and understanding. I am a creep and technically a criminal, and if I was someone else and the girl a friend of his, he would have advised to denounce me. On the other hand, it's me. What kind of argument is that? But then he said something about me trying to exit the patriarchy matrix and bettering myself so I guess it makes sense. Also that I focus too much in highlighting my defects/shortcomings/weaknesses. I take virtues for granted. Spent topic, still relevant, until I change my ways. I also told him I was really sorry for being a downer lately (I'm also sorry for having being a downer here too, people). Spent some time at the beach, shared a lunch, then lovemaking ensued... simpler pleasures of life. 

Later this night (some hours ago) a friend invited me to watch a film at his place. There were more known faces there which I warmly welcomed. Another friend known for her existentialism was the one to suggest the movie, Into the Wild if I remember right. Based on a true story life of a young lad heavily influenced by the 90s who snaps from yuppie life and travels America alone. I'm turning 23 in 5 days, give my heart a break. The guy was an upper class Ivy League graduate, I have basic education, just fucking no. Just two more years buddy. Two years in military or a successful business in copywriting, whichever happens first. Then I travel. I want to go East. Russia. Kazakhstan. Iran. Mongolia. Russia. China perhaps. Corea, Japan, then jump to the Americas, perhaps going all the way south till Tierra del Fuego. That or Oceania but then I'd have to turn and go to India. Plans, plans.

Nearly, all the time, i once made a friend who keep stealing from me and i knew it was wrong but didn't say anything because i knew somewhere deep down he was a really good person. Just needed to stay out of trouble. Couldn't trust people after that.

 

Wrong journal or I'm just dense?

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Don't you ever notice you behave in a fake, fabricated, or undesirable way in a certain situation, but the habit of doing it keeps pushing you into that direction? For example, I've just greeted a new member in a cheerful way, and while I was writing I was positively feeling it. But then I'm confronted with some people, like my boyfriend or specific friends or this journal, and I feel "compelled" to dump shit on them. And I don't want that. But I do. The same shit, since nothing new under the sun. My journal in Spanish is more "positive", since it's aimed to be a summary of the whole story, victories and defeats completing each other without rambling. Sorry for the rambling. I might cut parts of this journal at some point, or put them under spoiler for all kinds of convenience.

----------------------

It was weird. Considering the circumstances, the panic mode, the lack of sleep in obscene amounts, the relapse in my NoFap streak with a lewd game (and my willingness to let it happen again) and the existential anguish attack that left me considering to spend the night on the streets after, I went to my first scheduled exam. Don't get me wrong, I failed and academically speaking, it was for nothing. But, I don't know. I do feel bad, but I'm fine in that discomfort right now. The exam was way better than expected in my strong points, and way worse in my weak points. Good news, I'm virtually handicapped with numbers, there's no way I'll ever understand the workings of a Swiss bank account; and there's also no way I'll ever sign something I don't understand, I'm a control freak like that. So vote for me.

I'm also more proficient at improvising language skills than I thought, there was no way I'd have expected to be able to write a 100 word text in acceptably fluent French.

These two things led me to a conclusion. 

1. I'm naturally hyperspecialized in communication skills (regardless of my actual skill level, which is currently ok but with potential to improve). Politics, writing, acting... Wake up man, why don't you see the connection! You wrote this same shit a year ago, if I'm not just making it up in my memory. Why do I keep falling in the same hole?

2. Trying anything math-related for anything else than most basic survival or fun is a complete waste of time and effort in my super specific case. I should at least understand the logic of economics because of my calling, and maybe game theory because it's simply awesome, but nothing more. Therefore I will never ever concede to the self-esteem trap of automatically justifying myself in front of anyone of the "Sciences" branch. Or my mother. 

There's also a downside. I'm most probably not going anywhere in the military with so few 'fixed' points, unless I'm ridiculously lucky. Normal luck, I may enter in normal infantry, and it's a hellhole for high school dropouts. Wait a minute, isn't that exactly what...

Anyway. If I've done this piece of shit exam till the end, I'm doing the army exam as well no matter my feelings about it. We're taking pride all the ride folks.

I'm considering the option of reconnecting with my old party pals and spend time at the local HQ, reading relevant texts for my future career, hearing news first-hand, practicing political affairs with almost 0 risk of big screw-ups and studying languages and side skills (like my driving license which I didn't forget about). The coffee/chocolate machine they have there is a godsend. It may be getting too involved with a specific party but ask Churchill about that, the "jacket-changer" badass by definition. 

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Yeah, Hitaru you got the point, military school is for people who didn't quite make it in school but the other side of that is people your age who are eagerly signing up to join for the benefits. It's not all bad.

 

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Yeah, Hitaru you got the point, military school is for people who didn't quite make it in school but the other side of that is people your age who are eagerly signing up to join for the benefits. It's not all bad.

How was it for you? Care to tell some war stories? (?) Don't feel forced in the slightest but it would be cool to know the perspective of an insider. No nuclear launch code, I'm much more interested in the daily life and miseries of the average grunt.

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Yeah, Hitaru you got the point, military school is for people who didn't quite make it in school but the other side of that is people your age who are eagerly signing up to join for the benefits. It's not all bad.

How was it for you? Care to tell some war stories? (?) Don't feel forced in the slightest but it would be cool to know the perspective of an insider. No nuclear launch code, I'm much more interested in the daily life and miseries of the average grunt.

Well, when i was stationed in South Korea back in 2012(i was 20 back then), It was brutal....i literally had to run around everywhere doing tasks and by the time i got done i was glad to get out 5:00 formation and get into bed. 

Other than that, the weekends are like paradise, most of the squad i was with had taken weekend leave and explored the inner cities while getting drunk of their butts. We usually get 4 day weekends from working unless we were doing PT and the holidays rolled around.

The Korean citizens were alright as they admired us but hated the way we Americans would carry ourselves at the end of the day. Once we finished working from 9 to 5 and got a cut of our paychecks, every 2 weeks, we would also go out to the PX (or Post Exchange) and get high quality stuff with no tax, sometimes entertainment. Of course i was playing games at the time and bought over 30+ video games, i really didn't care i was actually having fun away from my parents for the first time.

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Yeah, Hitaru you got the point, military school is for people who didn't quite make it in school but the other side of that is people your age who are eagerly signing up to join for the benefits. It's not all bad.

How was it for you? Care to tell some war stories? (?) Don't feel forced in the slightest but it would be cool to know the perspective of an insider. No nuclear launch code, I'm much more interested in the daily life and miseries of the average grunt.

Well, when i was stationed in South Korea back in 2012(i was 20 back then), It was brutal....i literally had to run around everywhere doing tasks and by the time i got done i was glad to get out 5:00 formation and get into bed. 

Other than that, the weekends are like paradise, most of the squad i was with had taken weekend leave and explored the inner cities while getting drunk of their butts. We usually get 4 day weekends from working unless we were doing PT and the holidays rolled around.

The Korean citizens were alright as they admired us but hated the way we Americans would carry ourselves at the end of the day. Once we finished working from 9 to 5 and got a cut of our paychecks, every 2 weeks, we would also go out to the PX (or Post Exchange) and get high quality stuff with no tax, sometimes entertainment. Of course i was playing games at the time and bought over 30+ video games, i really didn't care i was actually having fun away from my parents for the first time.

 

I don't know if I would fit, I don't drink, I don't smoke, peer pressure makes me silly and too polite, I talk weird and I'm every bit the "feminine" wallflower. Guess I'll have to watch old Arnold films one after another to get in the proper mindset. 

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Yeah, Hitaru you got the point, military school is for people who didn't quite make it in school but the other side of that is people your age who are eagerly signing up to join for the benefits. It's not all bad.

How was it for you? Care to tell some war stories? (?) Don't feel forced in the slightest but it would be cool to know the perspective of an insider. No nuclear launch code, I'm much more interested in the daily life and miseries of the average grunt.

Well, when i was stationed in South Korea back in 2012(i was 20 back then), It was brutal....i literally had to run around everywhere doing tasks and by the time i got done i was glad to get out 5:00 formation and get into bed. 

Other than that, the weekends are like paradise, most of the squad i was with had taken weekend leave and explored the inner cities while getting drunk of their butts. We usually get 4 day weekends from working unless we were doing PT and the holidays rolled around.

The Korean citizens were alright as they admired us but hated the way we Americans would carry ourselves at the end of the day. Once we finished working from 9 to 5 and got a cut of our paychecks, every 2 weeks, we would also go out to the PX (or Post Exchange) and get high quality stuff with no tax, sometimes entertainment. Of course i was playing games at the time and bought over 30+ video games, i really didn't care i was actually having fun away from my parents for the first time.

I don't know if I would fit, I don't drink, I don't smoke, peer pressure makes me silly and too polite, I talk weird and I'm every bit the "feminine" wallflower. Guess I'll have to watch old Arnold films one after another to get in the proper mindset. 

 

Oh no, don't worry about that you don't do so good in training then they will recycle you (re-train you), I got scared into thinking I was going to go home because I messed up so much in basic training. But it should be the same for you guys

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Oh no, don't worry about that you don't do so good in training then they will recycle you (re-train you), I got scared into thinking I was going to go home because I messed up so much in basic training. But it should be the same for you guys

Heh, I can already see myself as "Private Clumsy" (the english translation for the spanish translation for the nickname "Gomer Pyle" from Full Metal Jacket).

Today was a purposedly wasted day and I think I'm ready to focus myself again. Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday, as you know. How will I emotionally judge the last year? I'll tell you in some hours when I know.

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Oh no, don't worry about that you don't do so good in training then they will recycle you (re-train you), I got scared into thinking I was going to go home because I messed up so much in basic training. But it should be the same for you guys

Heh, I can already see myself as "Private Clumsy" (the english translation for the spanish translation for the nickname "Gomer Pyle" from Full Metal Jacket).

Today was a purposedly wasted day and I think I'm ready to focus myself again. Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday, as you know. How will I emotionally judge the last year? I'll tell you in some hours when I know.

Lol, Names just a scare tactic and happy early birthday, just don't markup your calendar 

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Happy birthday! Also, holy potato, I thought you're much older judging by your posts.

>> Then I travel. I want to go East. Russia. Kazakhstan. Iran. Mongolia. Russia. 

After reading that and note about you bf I think you should exercise caution. Unless you're girl. :) Sorry, I found no direct remarks about your gender. ^^'

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