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Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Review the section in Amber's episode about the stories you're creating, and then review your last post with that filter in mind. Facts vs. Stories. What stories are you making up about your mother, or your friend/flatmate and are those stories serving you? If not, what are new stories you can choose that leave you feeling more empowered?

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Review the section in Amber's episode about the stories you're creating, and then review your last post with that filter in mind. Facts vs. Stories. What stories are you making up about your mother, or your friend/flatmate and are those stories serving you? If not, what are new stories you can choose that leave you feeling more empowered?

...exactly. Even if I'm right, it's not doing me good. Focus on fact and solutions. Thanks for the tip. 

Unrelated, but I find it interesting: I really liked this video about choosing words in your speech: big vs. small. To be honest I don't know the average native English speaker vocabulary level, but I can guess. Cam does a great job at this. He speaks plainly and clearly. There was a time were Cam quoted me in a mail and he cropped out some parts of my original post. I noticed and revisited the post and exactly as I thought, the edit was smart and improved the quality of my words. The things left out were redundancies and unnecessary remarks, "picking apart the grain from the straw", as the spanish would say. The message left was more appealing and attractive, stronger, more direct. The post and the mail weren't even talking about the same things.

Choosing the right words. Or the lack of them. 

Have you ever noticed the different emotional weight of the different interactions and words? The gestures, the non-verbal, the acting? Democratic politics is acting. I love acting. How could I forget? That I love experimenting with different ways of conveying an idea? It's been so long since I did anything barely related with acting, and I love it! Depression and disparaging yourself does that shit to you. No fucking more of that, friends. I'm going to stand up and carry on with what I truly want, which is no more and no less (worthy) than what everyone else's wants. 

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It's just that your unwillingless to settle for less and the emotions you have about that are an indicator of your potential.

I am? (not settling for less)

They... are? (my emotions)

Also, what do you mean leverage? Sorry for not getting it at first. -_-

If you want something badly that means that you can achieve it, otherwise your brain would diregard the matter althogether. I mean that the goal is within your reach, it's only a matter of the price of achieving it.

Leverage (as in mechanics) is something that multiplies your efforts. When I'm commited I tend to burn bridges on purpose, so really have an option to back out. You can sign a contract with a signifact loss in case you don't deliver, you join a group and work together on a same goal (so you push each other to keep up) or make a promise to people you respect and want to keep in your life. The price of failing must be painful enough to keep you going no matter what. The fear of pain can drive you way past the point of what you expect from yourself.

I'm having trouble to sleep at night and colics have become a colorful addition to my day lately. I'm well aware it's because my shitty lifestyle and my doubts about my chosen path. No comment on it. It's been discussed thousands of times; both problems and solutions (for the two things) are common knowledge by now -_-

Am I being hard on myself? Not the first time I hear that, or read it here. "Could I be anything else?", is what I'd ask myself instead.

I also used to have troubles with going to sleep. I think it was due to feeling undecided. Becoming certain about what I wanted was a solution to that.

Internally you are not defined by your past experiences. Memories are just pictures in your head. You become what you want to be working on things you want to achieve, people you want to have in your life, feelings you want to feel. I think those are the only things to concentrate on. 

My mother said today I look thinner. She didn't encourage me to do shit to improve of course. Only the plain fact that I'm doing it wrong. The big thing is my friend finally readying the final steps so we can begin living together, but he has another friend/flatmate who's older and more skilled than me and I seem to be competing for his attention. They won't let me participate or help them in making the house ready and liveable. That makes me suspect my friend is going to procrastinate and disappear again, it makes me suspect he doesn't trust me and is going to give up on me again. And that fills me with anger, as if I wanted to slap him but at the same time would feel guilty because I shouldn't be expecting the kindness that he promised regardless that he promised. Because that would be selfish, partial, interested. Whatever. In the end it all comes to what can people get from you. If the answer is nothing, well... they might appreciate you and your company but... you can see it, that difference in treatment. I'm not 13 anymore. I can't expect to have friends only by offering a listening ear and good jokes. It's sad, but I won't let it drag me down. I have a life to build. Not because it's my fucking "job", but because I want.

Nevermind, bad day. I'll post again.

Our families do the best they can. It's usually the bigger picture that helps to come to terms with the ways they do it. What was their upringing like? What were their life experiences that make them behave in the ways they do? Learning more about the lives of my realtives helped me understand them better and "decode" some of the hurtful things thet said or did into the real intentions they had. Imagine, who else but them in the whole world have put some much effort into you?

Review the section in Amber's episode about the stories you're creating, and then review your last post with that filter in mind. Facts vs. Stories. What stories are you making up about your mother, or your friend/flatmate and are those stories serving you? If not, what are new stories you can choose that leave you feeling more empowered?

Cam is super right on this one. We are never impacted by the facts but only by our interpretation of them. Rain can mean bad weather for some, but saved crops for others. Failures for some become dealbreakers for some and the school of hardknocks for others. A temporary agony can melt impurities from you and turn you into a higher class steel. Just add the right perspective to anything and always keep your goals in mind.

Respect for posting on bad days too! Those are the days when you really put in work keeping yourself accountable.

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After some expected delays I finally received 268 euro/317 USD in EU travel help funds from the last project in Greece. These were sent to my account so I'll have freedom to decide how to spend them without my mother's meddling. I have several ideas:

1. Buy a violin/viola to take back my hobby and help me cope with the extreme feelings of anxiety and melancholy I'm currently experiencing. 
2. Buy cheap tickets to somewhere and travel.
2.1 Same as 2 but open return, forget about the army goal, burn all the bridges and try to survive in a foreign environment until 25, until I'm bored or until situation gets desperate.
3. Buy every book on my wishlist and pay a professional photographer for a nice profile pic to add to my social media (which would help me a lot in Upwork to get translation gigs, for instance).
4. Emergency funds to survive in my friends apartment, ASSUMING my friend holds his end of the deal.
5. Audience's choice; I'm open to other suggestions.

It's important to me to shake this current state off, and nothing better for that than backing change up with an economic investment, so this decision must be impactful. I'll have decided it by tomorrow. Speaking of which I'm not exactly sure yet of the reason of this negative state. Watching videos and manuals about charisma, NLP, social skills... is fascinating, motivating and hours fly by. I even started a personal archive with relevant material to review, something unheard of me. And also for the first time I don't feel like a creep, an Asperger's or a wannabe manipulator or childhood bullying karma dealer or any other self-hating crap my mind could think of.

On one hand: Double down on what's working. Army is not working so good. But, there's a worrisome novelty factor. What if I'm escaping commitment?

On the other hand: Stick to your word. You said you were going for Army. You invested money on it. People that care about you are already informed of your decision. There's a lot of anxiety, nightmares, colics. But if that's the voice of reason, or the voice of fear, how can I know, how can I tell them apart? I'm confused here, please help me out guys. By the way, that doesn't mean I've stopped studying completely until I figure out but my efforts are being hindered enough to keep me up at night.

Lastly, I'm battling against my headaches and general discomfort with more food and water and it seems to be working.

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I guess to figure out whether it's the voice or reason or fear, think about why you chose the Army in the first place. What were your reasons? Then think about whether they're still valid. Hang in there!

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I guess to figure out whether it's the voice or reason or fear, think about why you chose the Army in the first place. What were your reasons? Then think about whether they're still valid. Hang in there!

- Money
- Credentials
- Self-reliance

If I had another source of income that would let me be independent and improve my maturity and independence, I'd go for it immediately. Such as becoming a traveling translator.

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Bro, just put the money in a savings account. That's a stepping stone to independence.

How long do you intend to be in the army? What skills years of following orders and keeping your mouth shut can teach you? How obeying others for a career build self-reliance? 

Do you consider joining the police force instead? It's mostly similar but you get some authority over citizens.

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Bro, just put the money in a savings account. That's a stepping stone to independence.

Boring (?)

How long do you intend to be in the army? What skills years of following orders and keeping your mouth shut can teach you? How obeying others for a career build self-reliance? 

Two years, four if I like it.

Not running my mouth will surely be a great skill for the current me, believe me. Other than that, the rep of being told "Ah this guy should know something about life, he was military". Probably not so much, but better than "Was a leech in his mommy's house until 25 when he went to learn how to live from everyone else's honest work".

Do you consider joining the police force instead? It's mostly similar but you get some authority over citizens.

Push around civilians, huh... If there was some sort of short-term commitment then why not, could be an interesting experience and I've always felt curious about their job (also have a lot of family tradition in Police and Civil Guard on father's side... probably some of the worst of the corps...). But anyway, police work is signed for life in national exams.

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I agree, that saving is not a ton of fun, but many people (myself included) find having money liberating, hence the term "Fuck You Fund". xD

It's totally up to you, but choosing a career solely based on a want to prove yourself to others may be short-lived. I don't want to discourage you from anything. There is a quote from He Got Game movie I love: Keep trying on shoes, sooner or later you gonna find a pair that fit you. So go ahead, you might like it.

Edited by Vlad

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I agree, that saving is not a ton of fun, but many people (myself included) find having money liberating, hence the term "Fuck You Fund". xD

It's totally up to you, but choosing a career solely based on a want to prove yourself to others may be a short-lived. I don't want to discourage you from anything. There is a quote from He Got Game movie I love: Keep trying on shoes, sooner or later you gonna find a pair that fit you. So go ahead, you might like it.

Fuck You Fund, I like it. B|

Considering my trajectory, the victory would be actually trying. I'm so tired of escaping and dropping things half-way, man.

 

Friend is MIA, so there you go. Money still not spent, but suddenly I don't feel the need to rush it. That gives me hope in my future home economy managing skills. 

I try to twist around time and again, but I can't see a way to escape my current trajectory. Come on me, it's not so big deal man, just stick with your decision. I'll be bullshiting me until the very day of the exam I'm afraid, but isn't that resilience at work? I'm sorry for all the inconvenience caused by the collateral effect of me being a f*cking pussy. Now seriously, I see my permanent bad mood affecting people around me. I cannot allow myself to be a downer. Sometimes it's ok. Not as a constant.

Today a good day emotionally. Husband came back from a trip in Central Europe and we did some catching up between yesterday and today. Apparently Budapest is a must go.

Physically, however... Lack of movement. The moment I make exercise a habit, it will pass. One discomfort after the next. Why is it that I don't feel so bad about it as I used to?

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Focus on GOALS only. Your current self-doubt and worries are irrelevant. You do what you focus on, you become what you do.

You seem to lack competition, you need to find someone to one up. Don't sabotage that person of course, just outdo him or her fair and square. Ideally it is someone you've known for some time and this person's progress over that time should create a burning sensation within you. Everybody can find such a person among acquaintances, former classmates etc. That competitiveness can be another source of leverage for you.

I'm sorry for unsolicited advice of questionable usefulness and promise that I will only answer questions if you ask any. Giving unsolicited advice is one of the things I must quit, because it's a sure way to Karpman drama triangle games.

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Focus on GOALS only. Your current self-doubt and worries are irrelevant. You do what you focus on, you become what you do.

You seem to lack competition, you need to find someone to one up. Don't sabotage that person of course, just outdo him or her fair and square. Ideally it is someone you've known for some time and this person's progress over that time should create a burning sensation within you. Everybody can find such a person among acquaintances, former classmates etc. That competitiveness can be another source of leverage for you.

Reading your journal I have the impression that you used to play similar videogames than I, so I probably should listen to your advices. I have this theory that people who game(d) alike think alike. :P

[I still struggle with understanding that concept of leverage, I'll re-read what you wrote and give it a bit more thought.]

I'm sorry for unsolicited advice of questionable usefulness and promise that I will only answer questions if you ask any. 

I guess you can stop giving unsolicited advice when I stop spilling unsolicited drama, how does that sound :ph34r:

Karpman drama triangle games

Wuh-what? 

----------

This is an emergency post, as I had a huge panic attack around 1:30 AM. It was also the first time were my reaction was to run straight to my mother's bed and start sobbing uncontrollably, instead of collapsing on the floor shaking and screaming but coping by myself. I felt really ashamed and concerned about having disturbed her performance at work tomorrow. 

So this is it, this is what being me truly is in its most primary and basically worst form. In times like this I feel like suffering from a chronic, extremely uncomfortable disease. Self-doubt, ridiculously bad shape, colics and now this. 

And I wanted to join the military, be a soldier? What the actual fuck was I thinking? It's going to be a complete disaster. I'm suited to be military as much as to be Olympic ice skater.

That's what I think. What I feel is that I cannot live with fear. Each passing day I can feel more fear settling inside, like water dripping into a pond. I swear God damn it, one of this days I am going to kill myself in a rush and screw up everything or do something completely crazy and stupid. This can't go on. It can not go on. Enough with the fucking joke already. I'm awfully calm about this, as if it was a natural conclusion. I'm going to have to deal with these panic attacks. I'm going to have to deal with feeling each fucking second slipping away from my fingers, with noticing my cells die. And it's going to get oh-so-worse. Feels like breathing manually. Why the god fucking fuck am I doing this? This is against life, it's against damned common sense. It's incompatible with normal functioning. I can't be soldier, I can't be politician, I can't be shit. In the end, I can't be fucking shit. It comes down to this, my body and brain breaking down to pieces like the stupid coward piece of shit bitch I am, and then begin anew the charade. Oh boy am I going to do so many things! Oh it's going to be so great! Just fuck me man, I'm sick and tired of all this piss life of crap. 

I tried posting in other threads and journals, showing my best face, trying to forget about it, but it only worked for a while. I just intended to recall it as a way to sweep it outside my system and look how I got. I guess I cannot blame it because this has to stop, and that's how it is. Because it cannot keep going like this. All this dynamic, it has to go.

---------

It passed, but the anger turned into quiet despair. I need a break of all of this. Sorry. 

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Karpman drama triangle games

Wuh-what? 

See these two videos and tell what do you think? It's not an endorsement of the people or organizations that have created those videos. I think those videos are good and that they sufficiently cover the whole topic.
One person can play persecutor and victim roles at the same time. 

Brief explanation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy1VPxq6das

Recap and the solution: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_XSeUYa0-8

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As for panic attacks I had those too. Check the link at the bottom to a video that cured my panic attacks instantly. The free video is self-contained and it was all I needed to rid of panic attacks.
I got the first one in a fit of rage at my banking job, I didn't know what it was then and attributed it to sleep deprivation, abuse of caffeine and stress. I didn't have those for a while. Two years ago I got another one and they became somewhat recurrent. I still had no ideas what the hell it was. I even was afraid to drive as I fear I could pass out and crash, but I had no other choice, so I drove anyways. After a little research I found out about the nature of those feelings and they were gone for good. Hopefully this information will work for you as well as it did it for me.

Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_mFzOudxng&t=329s

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Thanks @Vlad, I'll check it out when I have the strength to do it, in all honesty. That day will be tomorrow for sure, today I was feeling a bit better. Not better enough tho. 

Forward to the Past. It feels like 2015 all over again. I won't get out of this cycle, this is a nightmare. 

Hit bottom - Desperate comeback - Nihilistic survival - Misdirected success - Self-sabotage - Breakdown - Hit bottom.

Happened in 2016, happened in 2015, happened every year. It's not getting better. It's just getting a slightly different flavor every time. I will keep failing since I seem to not have understood. I don't get it. Why does failure show so evidently in me? If other doesn't do right they end in a boring life with a boring spouse in a boring rented apartment. Nothing about not eating, colics, panic attacks and utter disgrace. Why me in particular? Why do I even care about that? 

I was afraid and ashamed to say but I guess I have to start assuming it, I am in "Give up" stage right now. Right now, the current situation is that I've gave up. 

When I give up, nothing happens. I get fed, taken care of. My mother is nicer to me. I seem to return to a previous state. A previous age. Like going to the past. Like cheating time. But that's not a real thing. I seem to keep going back because I can't handle the present. I've been unable to handle the present since I was aware of it. At some point in the past, I must had obviously given up on myself and set me up for failure. I guess I'll have to do that travel, no matter how ridiculously late it feels. Exert some radical self-acceptance. Cut the chains. Eliminate all assumptions and expectations of image and stillness. I now realize, there was a point in my life where I was told that being me was crazy, and I didn't want that. But I can't be nothing else than me, and that's scary. 

(Do I have to pull a Hobe? Is that the answer?)

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What does pull a Hobe mean? I have no shame in admitting my ignorance. ?

Someone hasn't been checking the testimonials! xD

I wrote Chief Cam in response of his last mail about goals, and it mainly looked like this:

"I really want to travel and earn money (to keep traveling) at the same time, and then travel, study and earn money at the same time. Yeah, but, I don't know how to earn money."

He recommended me something called Location Rebel. Click click. Again the woo-woo spiel about life-changing miracles. Well, the same happened with Lifehack Bootcamp and in the end it was a really pleasant experience despite myself and my self-sabotage. Probably it's just because americans coming from the business environment like Demir or this guy have this cold, too rehearsed sales pitch style. Not their fault, it comes with the job. In Spain we have a saying about that but I don't know how to put in English. You know what I mean. Like nonchalant sarcasm to doctors. 

I don't know a thing about these people or their program yet, but I can say it's 3:30 AM here and my hands are shaking from anticipation, which is something my current goal hasn't achieved it in months. Yes novelty and escape. We'll see in some hours. It won't be too distractful if it doesn't work. It's not like I've been doing anything at all lately.

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A fine day I could say. I spent the whole day studying content from that Location Rebel thing. Risked an economic investment into it. Still not conclusive. My gut feeling is I'll be repeating this same day two or three times until I reach an acceptable understanding of the gig. Of course had to shout a bit to get the money. That's another motivation to get some kind of scheme rolling, ANYTHING that will set things into motion. I don't want to ever have to justify myself in front of others. Ever.

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Back into the fray. Yesterday and today were social days, and I expect tomorrow to be similar. It's a great way of disconnecting from home and think from a non-desperate position.

Loads of sad stories. People around me have it tough, tougher than I believed. I "knew" it, you understand? I rationally comprehended they were struggling. But I didn't feel, act, live accordingly to that reality. The same introspections, insecurities, fears. Worse, illnesses and death involved, something I don't have to face yet. So yes, tougher. Makes me think. Not as an idiom. I truly felt something changed this weekend, witnessing a constant succession of my loved ones showing themselves vulnerable instead the usual other way around. I'll save you the drama.

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Back into the fray. Yesterday and today were social days, and I expect tomorrow to be similar. It's a great way of disconnecting from home and think from a non-desperate position.

Loads of sad stories. People around me have it tough, tougher than I believed. I "knew" it, you understand? I rationally comprehended they were struggling. But I didn't feel, act, live accordingly to that reality. The same introspections, insecurities, fears. Worse, illnesses and death involved, something I don't have to face yet. So yes, tougher. Makes me think. Not as an idiom. I truly felt something changed this weekend, witnessing a constant succession of my loved ones showing themselves vulnerable instead the usual other way around. I'll save you the drama.

I can relate...people came and went in my life without even hearing their stories, at first I tried to lean on my family to comfort me and say it's ok, but tough love always prevails over logic. I realized my parents were right, some just don't have time for it.

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Back into the fray. Yesterday and today were social days, and I expect tomorrow to be similar. It's a great way of disconnecting from home and think from a non-desperate position.

Loads of sad stories. People around me have it tough, tougher than I believed. I "knew" it, you understand? I rationally comprehended they were struggling. But I didn't feel, act, live accordingly to that reality. The same introspections, insecurities, fears. Worse, illnesses and death involved, something I don't have to face yet. So yes, tougher. Makes me think. Not as an idiom. I truly felt something changed this weekend, witnessing a constant succession of my loved ones showing themselves vulnerable instead the usual other way around. I'll save you the drama.

I can relate...people came and went in my life without even hearing their stories, at first I tried to lean on my family to comfort me and say it's ok, but tough love always prevails over logic. I realized my parents were right, some just don't have time for it.

True, but in this case it's more their reluctance to worry others and look bad, so they keep a stiff upper lip. I'm learning to do that too. The majority of times complaining doesn't lead to anything. There's no need to be shoving my perpetual metaphysical doubts into everyone's throats all the time. That also applies to journals. I'm getting the impression my entries are going to be dramatically reduced in size. 

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@Hitaru What do you think of the 3 videos I've sent you links to?

Didn't watch them yet! :/ (but I will, I promise)

Today I was conned 166 euro in probably fake concert tickets and there was a short but strong fight at home. My mother showed me the website, I did the transaction without double-checking her online stupidity and apparently it's my fault, won't give me money ever again, etc. I completely lost it and started screaming at her while she taunted me. It's not me who paid thousands of euros in fucking garbage, ugly as fuck furniture that can't be touched or used in any way, because my life is empty of purpose. It's not me who plays offended when I ask for money to invest in myself but would instead give me 50 euros to party in a heartbeat. It's not me who doesn't have real friends and it's going to die alone and regretful.

Way to go Hitaru, again bitching about your mother, isn't that like so fucking old or something? No, please, I need to know. Why, why do I keep this toxic relationship going on? Why do I keep having this big ass stealth contract of expecting her to actually not being a victimist, hypocrite, self-centered bitch? Why do I keep thinking that parents must be loved because they are parents even when they are not good for you? But who taught me that? Them! It's a self-preservation tactic. It's a fucking self-preservation tactic based on guilt, and I bought all the fucking scheme. I'm only here because I don't have anyone else to latch onto, but she, she perpetuates that. She made me like this, and now I have to fix it. 

So no José, start accepting already. You are going to die and you are alone. And you are going to fight for yourself because in the end, all that your mother cares about is her ego, in its many forms: job, money, furniture, a sparkling clean house and all the stereotypical things that make a worthless life. There's the habit. I know it. It's just a habit. Not finding a job? Habit. Giving up? Habit. Pretending to have a normal relationship with your mother? Habit. It's my mother or my life. When my mother dies, I will regret every single second I invested in her and not in my life. She wouldn't do the same thing for me. Not a single second more. Starting from now, silence treatment. No more asking for money. No more expecting to be fed and taken care of.

I'm destitute. That should give me the proper motivation once and for all.

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@Hitaru What do you think of the 3 videos I've sent you links to?

Didn't watch them yet! :/ (but I will, I promise)

Today I was conned 166 euro in probably fake concert tickets and there was a short but strong fight at home. My mother showed me the website, I did the transaction without double-checking her online stupidity and apparently it's my fault, won't give me money ever again, etc. I completely lost it and started screaming at her while she taunted me. It's not me who paid thousands of euros in fucking garbage, ugly as fuck furniture that can't be touched or used in any way, because my life is empty of purpose. It's not me who plays offended when I ask for money to invest in myself but would instead give me 50 euros to party in a heartbeat. It's not me who doesn't have real friends and it's going to die alone and regretful.

Way to go Hitaru, again bitching about your mother, isn't that like so fucking old or something? No, please, I need to know. Why, why do I keep this toxic relationship going on? Why do I keep having this big ass stealth contract of expecting her to actually not being a victimist, hypocrite, self-centered bitch? Why do I keep thinking that parents must be loved because they are parents even when they are not good for you? But who taught me that? Them! It's a self-preservation tactic. It's a fucking self-preservation tactic based on guilt, and I bought all the fucking scheme. I'm only here because I don't have anyone else to latch onto, but she, she perpetuates that. She made me like this, and now I have to fix it. 

So no José, start accepting already. You are going to die and you are alone. And you are going to fight for yourself because in the end, all that your mother cares about is her ego, in its many forms: job, money, furniture, a sparkling clean house and all the stereotypical things that make a worthless life. There's the habit. I know it. It's just a habit. Not finding a job? Habit. Giving up? Habit. Pretending to have a normal relationship with your mother? Habit. It's my mother or my life. When my mother dies, I will regret every single second I invested in her and not in my life. She wouldn't do the same thing for me. Not a single second more. Starting from now, silence treatment. No more asking for money. No more expecting to be fed and taken care of.

I'm destitute. That should give me the proper motivation once and for all.

Srry to hear that, Hitaru, it was a bad experience and now that you know how to approach it you can react more consciously the next time it happens. Just don't do it. 

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