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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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My tendency of not moving a single finger has paid its toll and I fell ill. You can actually fall ill from physical inactivity, which is kind of contradictory since you can only rest because of the illness but the same rest is hurting you in some way. One way or another, I got away from that circle and here I am again. I went to all my drawing lessons, resumed theatre rehearsals, wrote plenty, and mostly lost time on industrial proportions sorting out my inner crap, still my main hobby. But also I took the chance to follow Cam's advice and spent some quality family time and my relationship with my mother seems to have improved greatly.

Quote

N-not that I'm grateful for it. Or anything.

 

Spoiler

I delayed writing because I didn't write a single word of translation since I said I didn't write a single word of translation the last time, and was ashamed of myself. There's something worse than not doing a job, and it's leaving it half done, and I happen to be a master on the art. The file is just there, on my desktop, looking scornfully at me. It's not, right, it doesn't have feelings, but I do. I'm afraid Cam will ditch my volunteering; funny how I talk about having fears of a possible reaction by someone who can simply read this while I still haven't PMed him, I'll DO IT AND YOU'LL HAVE YOUR TRANSLATION, I SWEAR, it's somewhere at the back of my mind behind a whole mountain of garbage, I only have to make a bit of room to get it. I could really use some kind of mental shovel...

I still have trouble with daily schedules and sleep schedules. And schedules in general. It's the next thing I'll be needing to work on. I have improved very slightly on eating (now I do it at least once a day). Better results are being observed at keeping a proper hygiene and my room tidy, and actually go to the places I said beforehand I'd go. Next things on the list are:

- Helping at home and cooking for myself

- Go out with multiple friends on a regular basis

- Start attending social gatherings again, especially those aimed at young adults which typically involve alcohol and more or less hilarious attempts of getting laid.

- Devoting a fixed minimum daily or weekly time to all the activities I started instead (or at least before) recklessly starting new ones.

- Thinking about how and when to start doing some exercise.

- And actually do it.

- (Bonus) Learn the proper use of words such as 'in', 'at', 'on'... and verbs.

They're not in order, I'll check on Respawn to see if there's some advice about it (AND, EH, TRANSLATING IT BY THE WAY!)

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Hi Hitaru, you seem to be a pretty intelligent person wich sometimes can seem like a curse. I sincerely hope this process you started here will help you to become more satisfied with your life.

For what I know of myself, the only form of energy I know is completely self-related. I mean I can't or don't know how to motivate myself to work towards something besides myself. Even selfless acts of charity and cooperation leave a remnant of endorphins; even helping and being nice feels "selfishly" good at the end of the day, so there's nothing in this world that can be done for reasons completely beyond myself, even if I can't control the reward system behind it. I'd say it works the same for you, think about it for a moment.

Why do I say this? Because if I'm part of the endless stream of the Universe and not an astoundingly improbable singularity, why do anything? Why quit gaming? I could just lay back and enjoy myself until the end, couldn't I? Why bothering?

Well first of all I would say your right about the selfish motivation. But if helping and beeing nice feels good this is awesome! You dont need to be a freakin selfless saint to do Stuff, wich your moral do label as good. It is more rewarding to be good then bad for me and it will make me more content with my life and happier( By happiness i just think about a level of satisfaction in my life, not about that imaginary endless state of feelinggood wich doesn't seem to be worthy of achieving).

If i ask myself why do i do this, it is because im not happy at the state i am right now. To change this, there is only one way(I dont count suizid because it is not a way, it is an symptom): to try to do something different. I just don't believe in religion even if it would be nice if i could ,and that's why i try to improve my life by making it worthwhile. Try not to beat yourself up if you aren't able to get some things done. Selftraining is hard, and takes time. You need to make many steps to get to another place in your life. Every action is a step and brings you further infront.  Here is a nice podcast for you, wich i enjoyed listening to. Maybe it can help you a little(http://podbay.fm/show/863897795/e/1402695505?autostart=1). I actually hope that you keep this journal updated because it is very interesting.

Mario

 

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I delayed writing because I didn't write a single word of translation since I said I didn't write a single word of translation the last time, and was ashamed of myself. There's something worse than not doing a job, and it's leaving it half done, and I happen to be a master on the art. The file is just there, on my desktop, looking scornfully at me. It's not, right, it doesn't have feelings, but I do. I'm afraid Cam will ditch my volunteering; funny how I talk about having fears of a possible reaction by someone who can simply read this while I still haven't PMed him, I'll DO IT AND YOU'LL HAVE YOUR TRANSLATION, I SWEAR, it's somewhere at the back of my mind behind a whole mountain of garbage, I only have to make a bit of room to get it. I could really use some kind of mental shovel...

Hey bro. Be kind to yourself, it's all good. I'm eternally grateful for your support and it will have a big impact on others who speak Spanish and not English. You're doing a great thing! What I would encourage you to do is to start small. Do one paragraph, one page and focus on doing that each day. Next thing you know that will turn into 30 minutes, 60 minutes and in a few days or weeks it will be all done! :)

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Hi Hitaru, I'm only just now reading some of your entries from back in December and currently. Glad you came to this forum! 

Life is hard! Sometimes it can get incredibly overwhelming and I'm sorry to hear you've been in a tough spot. It's ok to feel overwhelmed or scared or whatever you feel, sometimes that just happens. Glad you hear you had the urge to cry even though you usually don't; when we hold a lot of emotional tension within us, we need to find ways to release it. When we cry, unless we are responding to a present situation, we are feeling a pain that was already there that we haven't been looking at it and releasing it so we are always the better off afterwards. We are socialized, especially as men, to avoid such a "show of weakness," but you are doing us all men a favor if you cry more often and stop holding on to that bullshit :)

I know how it goes with the anxiety and panic attacks, this is something I've been dealing with for the last year and it is really scary...fear of being about to die, fear of going crazy, etc. etc. and thoughts spiraling out of control when a panic attack seems to be coming in...learning about other people's experiences with this strikes me with how similar they are! I'm still learning as this is something somewhat new to me, but some of the advice I've found most helpful is from http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietytrick.html. I could really relate to what he is talking about and it makes sense...basically we go out and start having a panic attack, what is happening is our body is getting tricked into mistaking discomfort (maybe social discomfort) for danger and wishing to run away. We flee home and hide in bed, eventually calm down and we  have now tricked ourselves and our body into thinking that "running" and going home and being in bed is what made us be safe, though we weren't in any actual danger to begin with! If instead we allow the panic to come and allow ourselves to feel it, we can train ourselves to realize we can deal with it, wherever it happens to arise, that we aren't in actual danger. Some breathing techniques he outlines on the website are great also. The hard part is breaking the cycle we have been reinforcing :o Facing fear and then seeing yourself come out the other end is how we conquer it, and you CAN do it, even if it takes patience. I can only imagine how fearless Cam must have felt by the end of his Ted talk just plowing through those feelings of fear coming over him...even if that is a little different.

I am also really glad that cooking is on your list of what you intend to focus on! I wholeheartedly agree that it should be first on the list even if your list is in no particular order :) . If you aren't getting the proper nutrition you need, it can throw things like your thyroid out of whack which could be causing your anxiety altogether...basically, our body is our foundation of what we are thinking...someone I greatly respect once told me that the key to happiness is "eating well, sleeping well, and moving your body as it needs." I've been pondering that over the years and I've found a lot of depth to that simple idea.

And don't be hard on yourself for how you have treated your body in the past...unfortunately it is oftentimes not even a small part of our education growing up...fortunately our bodies can take an unbelievable amount of punishment even if it REALLY DOESN"T FEEL GOOD!  But the sun will rise again tomorrow and every meal is an opportunity to be good to yourself and your body...PM if you would like any simple recipe ideas with what you like to eat and I will be glad to give you some advice, I think a lot about food, I love food :) 

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Well first of all I would say your right about the selfish motivation. But if helping and beeing nice feels good this is awesome! You dont need to be a freakin selfless saint to do Stuff, wich your moral do label as good. It is more rewarding to be good then bad for me and it will make me more content with my life and happier( By happiness i just think about a level of satisfaction in my life, not about that imaginary endless state of feelinggood wich doesn't seem to be worthy of achieving).

If i ask myself why do i do this, it is because im not happy at the state i am right now. To change this, there is only one way(I dont count suizid because it is not a way, it is an symptom): to try to do something different. I just don't believe in religion even if it would be nice if i could ,and that's why i try to improve my life by making it worthwhile. Try not to beat yourself up if you aren't able to get some things done. Selftraining is hard, and takes time.

 

So you don't necessarily have to be a martyr to sell all the tickets to your funeral and be an overall nice human. I was suspicious already but, those pesky catholics fooled me again! It must be the robes man. Those shiny robes. About happiness and life, I share your viewpoint, but for what I know about myself I fear it will be harder to achieve a general level of satisfaction rather than limiting myself to just rush for some big scores now and then, then being at a downer until the next. And I can already say that tactic doesn't work, neither in marathons nor in life. So I guess the only way to do things is with an acceptable measure of chill, patience and persistence. 

I wonder, will I be able to accept things as they come and do stuff for myself? Right now the only thing I can recognize as a legit reason to act (or at least keep breathing) is to not being a burden for my family, and by family I mean mother. And even with that here I am yet. I'm being melodramatic now but if that's the case what will happen when she dies (and why does translator assume I'm female when I say "being melodramatic")? If things don't go as she also melodramatically believes (Like father...), I guess I'll have my own family by then, so there will be more people to care about and keep me going, life being a "jump" from one generation to another until my turn arrives. Oh, so that's why old folks keep talking about family, departed family and not being left alone! Sometimes I say sentences like the last one which sound like cynical jokes, but I used to be really ignorant of the ways of the world, they actually are interesting discoveries for me (most of the time, some are jokes). That's my current stance on the topic, it can always change. Being me, it could change before today ends. 

Selftraining is hard, but it's not like doing pushups where you can always do one more. How can you tell if you're doing your best, or slacking off? That self-doubt is the real killer, and it never fades.

 

Glad you hear you had the urge to cry even though you usually don't; when we hold a lot of emotional tension within us, we need to find ways to release it. When we cry, unless we are responding to a present situation, we are feeling a pain that was already there that we haven't been looking at it and releasing it so we are always the better off afterwards. We are socialized, especially as men, to avoid such a "show of weakness," but you are doing us all men a favor if you cry more often and stop holding on to that bullshit :)

I know how it goes with the anxiety and panic attacks, this is something I've been dealing with for the last year and it is really scary...fear of being about to die, fear of going crazy, etc. etc. and thoughts spiraling out of control when a panic attack seems to be coming in...learning about other people's experiences with this strikes me with how similar they are! I'm still learning as this is something somewhat new to me, but some of the advice I've found most helpful is from http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietytrick.html. I could really relate to what he is talking about and it makes sense...basically we go out and start having a panic attack, what is happening is our body is getting tricked into mistaking discomfort (maybe social discomfort) for danger and wishing to run away. We flee home and hide in bed, eventually calm down and we  have now tricked ourselves and our body into thinking that "running" and going home and being in bed is what made us be safe, though we weren't in any actual danger to begin with! If instead we allow the panic to come and allow ourselves to feel it, we can train ourselves to realize we can deal with it, wherever it happens to arise, that we aren't in actual danger. Some breathing techniques he outlines on the website are great also. The hard part is breaking the cycle we have been reinforcing :o Facing fear and then seeing yourself come out the other end is how we conquer it, and you CAN do it, even if it takes patience. I can only imagine how fearless Cam must have felt by the end of his Ted talk just plowing through those feelings of fear coming over him...even if that is a little different.

I am also really glad that cooking is on your list of what you intend to focus on! I wholeheartedly agree that it should be first on the list even if your list is in no particular order :) . If you aren't getting the proper nutrition you need, it can throw things like your thyroid out of whack which could be causing your anxiety altogether...basically, our body is our foundation of what we are thinking...someone I greatly respect once told me that the key to happiness is "eating well, sleeping well, and moving your body as it needs." I've been pondering that over the years and I've found a lot of depth to that simple idea.

And don't be hard on yourself for how you have treated your body in the past...unfortunately it is oftentimes not even a small part of our education growing up...fortunately our bodies can take an unbelievable amount of punishment even if it REALLY DOESN"T FEEL GOOD!  But the sun will rise again tomorrow and every meal is an opportunity to be good to yourself and your body...PM if you would like any simple recipe ideas with what you like to eat and I will be glad to give you some advice, I think a lot about food, I love food :) 

- Damn right; I'll be a little bitch from now on, DOWN WITH FEMALE PRIVILEGE OF CRYING! (actually my case it's "only" a mixture between being 7 parts stoic and 3 socially awkward, but I'll also take that into account ;))

- I think you're talking about anxiety attacks, the technical term for freaking the f*** out (taking the example of social discomfort leading to "gottagodosomething"). These ones are more like a mental/emotional RKO coming the hell outta nowhere. You're just fine then suddenly "Bang!". But it seems you can counter both with some of those techniques, such as breathing. And perhaps it's not like you're fine, but instead barely hanging on and the first moment you relax it's when everything goes crazy. Like colics! I know those too well... When I said "I stopped playing and all the childhood existentialism returned" the first symptom was the childhood colics again. Maybe it's too much information but it's really distressful and an eventuality to think about, they do have the power to ruin crucial events in the last minute. Somehow it's been a while since the last, maybe a month, but it's also true that I've been dramatically reducing my food consumption. To dangerous levels.

- WHICH LEADS ME TO: Sure! Learning to cook has become more a necessity than a hobby or objective. Mom's always away, and Grandma's cooking is now... unreliable, so basically if I want to get a proper nourishment I'm going to have to do by myself. It had to happen someday, and part of me is glad that day arrived (other one is obviously annoyed, and one more is terrified). Both Grandma and I are terrible eaters, while her children are the opposite (that gene must work like diabetes). From almost birth we despise the act of eating (not flavors, that's about getting used, I mean the act of eating, it doesn't even have to do with cooking or chewing laziness), and we barely feel hunger (perhaps a sharp stomach pain but it's not accompanied by the instinct of eating or the longing for food). We enjoy cooking but ironically not eating. It's not a pleasure but an irritating chore. So I'd be VERY interested in "efficient" recipes. Like astronaut food. Eat and forget. I don't mind if it's dull, it'll be like taking medicine for me, which is actually a bad metaphor since I don't have any problem with any kind of medicine (you must be literally suffering with my words now...). In my defense I'll say I can enjoy a good restaurant and have some culinary taste, but I'm talking about everyday nutrition now.
Just a chore.

Progress update coming right away!

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I'd suggest making tons of soup packed with various vegetables, meat, and fat. Portion, freeze, and you're good for a week or more. It's what I've been doing for a while, but I now actually enjoy cooking.

About the crying thing. I agree that it's important, but it really is best to do it in private. As a man, you'll lose respect from both women and men if you're seen crying (unless in extreme situations). We can argue why that is and whether or not should it be changed, but it's a fact, and honestly, it's not going anywhere. Just imagine reasons for the present situation have something to do with hunting wild boars with stone weapons. Awesome.

About writing erotica. "Erotica" in a literary sense is actually used as a sort of euphemism for short (e-)books that are more or less porn. Smut. Describe people, describe locations, create some bullshit conflict, resolve it by sex, the end. And it sells like hell ... to women, this is basically what porn videos represent to men, and they consume it in a similar degree. They just don't talk about it. (It's not like us men often discuss our porn habits either. It's simply assumed.)

Now, it's true that women also read erotic novels which include things like actual story and character development. Both are very popular. There is money to be made in both fields, so perhaps you can look into it a bit (novels ultimately earn more).

"Monday tomorrTODAY" love it :P.

 

 

Edited by Marchosias

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- Things I want to say before I forget

1. This forum is so huge! There's so many interesting stories and many skills people have I don't have a single clue what they are about. I'd like to follow everyone's development, but it seems like an overwhelming task. Also, writing in another thread feels like I'm entering (or rather, trespassing) on someone else's home. I feel much safer here, in "my" bubble, answering people, but I'd also like to comment on their journals, encourage them, or just say hi. Strangely enough, I'm much less shy in real life. The whole thing makes me a bit sad.

2. I went to bed some nights ago thinking about a Theatre School classmate for whom I find myself annoyingly infatuated (is that even grammar my god). While wondering if I should call her despite the time passed I had a sudden craving for Civ IV. I said before that I'm not usually bothered by cravings, and should they happen the logical thing would be for my favoured games like EU IV. It's true that I sometimes have cravings for games I haven't played for some time, but it was also some time I haven't thought about this girl, so I found the coincidence amusing. One infrequent craving led to another. 

I think I also said before that masturbating lead me to gaming (but not the other way around, weird). I was thinking about her, not "thinking" about her. I find the idea unpleasant. Crushes are a very platonic thing for me, almost an artistic matter. I know, it's a typical psycho villain phrase. I'm talking about girl crushes, which are larger in quantity. Boys, however... 

Why do I keep spitting personal stuff? 

2.1. I saw the Accountability Partners thread. Cam said something about staying safe. I've thrown enough info about myself to be easily tracked down to practically my home. Am I unsafe then? I'm not worried about getting killed like John Lennon, that could happen anytime anywhere. And there are much more interesting people to kill. (But what if I end up being a prominent person?) Breaking into my house or abducting me for a ransom is also not recommended, you'd end highly disappointed. The most realistic threat would be tarnishing my reputation, and I have an absolute defense against that:

I don't have any secrets. Not a single one. And everyone knows it. Sometimes I feel I'd like to keep some things for myself, but I can´t help asking for advice, or an opinion, or turning the slightest thing into a debate and seeking answers and all posible viewpoints. Just the way I am, I guess. I'm not the naive type and I can keep my mouth shut, it just comes to things people don't usually say. My deadpanning was legendary back in the day. "Yes, I think it would be nice to go out with you, but I can just assume you find me unattractive, cry for a bit then carry on as normal; I give it two months of letdown". I'm not a weirdo. T-that kind of weirdo. Anymore. Most probably.

3. That same night I had a nightmare which later became a weird dream in which I successfully fought off a massive craving for Rome TW. (See, a logical craving, my childhood friend!). I'm currently remembering my dreams as if they were real happenings and I find the fact interesting albeit slightly worrisome. I've never had dreams which I didn't know they were dreams, but now not only is distressing during the dream itself but also the most plausible little details are starting to mix with actual memories. I don't really think it's dangerous, perhaps could end being a little embarrassing at worst. Maybe I should start a handwritten "dream diary" on my own. 

 

- Mood status

Neutral. Yesterday was terrible, probably one of the worst days I remember (I'm only talking in terms of mood), and Friday was also bad. These last few days I've been mostly lying in bed or the sofa, eating almost nothing, sleeping or being drowsy and dizzy all day long, having insane nightmares and completely unable to sleep at night. I even had to flee a supermarket leaving my mother behind moments before passing out. I must be sick with melancholy. Like Don Quixote. Is there a more spanish way to die, aside from in battle against protestants? (Or against muslims. Or against the French. Or against other spaniards...)

However, the average trend was very positive and the forecast is on the rise (See News), and my mood is improving while I write this. It usually works the opposite, I don't know what to expect.

- News

I finished my first text!!! The first... thing... I've ever finished! I've also published it on the internet. The reception was satisfactory. I can't wait to write more, but I got a bit obsessed lately and decided to take it easy. I don't think I'm ready for long novels yet, whatever their content, so I'm sort of practicing plot developments and descriptions with short to medium length erotica (and for my personal amusement). 

About writing erotica. "Erotica" in a literary sense is actually used as a sort of euphemism for short (e-)books that are more or less porn. Smut. Describe people, describe locations, create some bullshit conflict, resolve it by sex, the end. And it sells like hell ... to women, this is basically what porn videos represent to men, and they consume it in a similar degree. They just don't talk about it. (It's not like us men often discuss our porn habits either. It's simply assumed.)

Now, it's true that women also read erotic novels which include things like actual story and character development. Both are very popular. There is money to be made in both fields, so perhaps you can look into it a bit (novels ultimately earn more).

Yes and no. Times are changing, my good sir. I can sense it. Porn is now a consumer product, a complete joke. It's dull. Boring. Industrialized. Unsatisfactory. Sexuality will become a form of art, something that will be discussed and debated beyond therapies and groups of swingers and other debauchees! *cue evil laugh* And it will begin, as always, with literature. It's an unexplored realm, and, why not? it would be great to try to be some kind of weird avant-garde on that field instead of watching my brethren misled by bullshit like "50 Shades of Grey". I don't even have that interest in sex, it's more an odd intellectual challenge.

(Or we'll fall in another decade of obscurantism, my works and author becoming outcasts until some group of rebellious well-off students romanticize them many years later).

More things, I went to all my classes and rehearsals. Good. I'm steadily improving in my drawing. Better!

- Daily complaint

I still feel like I'm wasting my time. Empty. As if these things were nothing but petty hobbies, distracting me from the main objective. An unknown objective. Is there truth in it or just a guilt trip?

It's 3pm and sleepiness is killing me, I'll just send, then edit or post again another time.

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I agree with the notion that porn is boring. Or at least it becomes boring after a certain time. I personally don't even think it's so much about porn in itself; it feels like no one's even trying to produce engaging porn. But that's just me. I mean, when I was a kid, I'd sneak to the living room at 4 AM and watch some god awful commercials for phone sex lines that weren't even remotely good, and it was the hottest thing ever.

There actually is a very specific thing that work in "erotica" (written porn), and 50 shades hit the jackpot. Anything that doesn't cover a set of very specific kinks is not likely to sell, look: No pictures but kinda NSFW text. Don't show to grandma.

I remember reading the unabridged version of Don Quixote many ages ago ... I remember the epic monologues that would go on and on. 15 page speech why not. It was almost as awesome as reading Master and Margarita while high on THC cookies. Locked in the bathroom for hours because I was afraid that my parents will suspect something was wrong. Have I mentioned I was very high.

Care to give an example of your nightmares? I've had one myself recently, but it was rather dull (yet still effective).

Edited by Marchosias

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Great to hear your update man. The forum is getting bigger for sure. Pop in and say hi to others in their journals when you have time but don't feel a need to do it all the time. The forum is only going to continue getting bigger and more popular (we're only 6 months in or whatever and it's already this big!)

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There actually is a very specific thing that work in "erotica" (written porn), and 50 shades hit the jackpot. Anything that doesn't cover a set of very specific kinks is not likely to sell, look: No pictures but kinda NSFW text. Don't show to grandma.

Care to give an example of your nightmares? I've had one myself recently, but it was rather dull (yet still effective).

"Good morning, I'm a guy writing porn for bored and sexually inhibited housewives and middle-aged men with mom or daughter issues. I make a shitload of money, and I haven't even started to talk about my millionaire friends. Exploit and marketize stereotypes. My life is fuckin awesome. Did I mention shitload of money?"

By all the Heavens, Marchosias, what did I do to you to deserve this? WHY? He is exactly everything I dislike, the XXI century yuppie! Even his looks are obnoxious!

Still, he has an interesting business model and knows his trade, I can learn a thing or two. Or three. Let's be open-minded before falling in prejudice. Even "nonconformists" need to eat.

My nightmares usually involve a school setting, old classmates, happy experiences that then shatter, cruel twists and psychological torture I store for future written fiction. Usually related to my feeling of failure and regret for dropping out school after school. Sometimes I die and/or get killed and it hurts as if real until I wake up, seconds later. There are others more "psychedelic" in nature but those are way harder to explain. If I remember to write one I'll share.

 

- Update: I went to bed the moment I sent the last reply. It's February 1st, 10am. With my sleep schedule again on track, and being Monday, it's time to make some plans.

For today I compromise myself to, AT LEAST:

1. Draw for 1 (one) hour.

2. Write for 1 (one) hour.

3. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes, as Cam suggested.

4. Since my teacher delayed our drawing lesson until tomorrow, it's the perfect moment to start going to the driving school with my friend.

5. Go to bed early.

I want to add thousands of things but I know the catch. Instead of saying what I did, I'm going to say what I'm going to do, the barest minimum, then report then repeat. I'll trick my pride to feel compelled to do what I say I'll do to avoid writing how I failed to do it day after day. Maybe it's unwise, but if it works it'll be a huge step.

- Gratitude journal (it's been a while!):

1. This forum and its inhabitants. You make me feel part of something.
2. Winter. I hope it lasts.
3. The opportunity to watch a wonderful sunset by the sea everyday. I keep staying at home when I know I need some time alone with my thoughts and the scenery. 
4. My mother, for so many reasons I can't even begin to enumerate if I really want to get anything done today.
5. Friends and people I know who still care and approach me despite being so detached since Theatre fiasco.

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Well, yuppie or not, I think he's primarily a man who's trying to pay his bills. It's actually advised to take a break from what works and write what you want regularly -- it's either this or stop writing completely for a week. But that hurts even native writers, yet alone a slavshit like me. Be happy that your language is spoken by a relevant part of Europe, more than half of America, and probably a few other places. I plan to spend the rest of my life being pissed about how irrelevant mine is. A man is nothing without a mission.

Interesting ... my dreams often include school, too. It generally tends to be about deciding about whether to go or now; I almost always decide not to then wake up and realize I didn't have to go there for almost a decade. I also dropped out of various schools repeatedly 'till I just went to work. I don't regret it at all (that's one of the things I actually don't regret) since, uhm, I now know I can't learn anything while other people are around. Or if I'm not very interested in the topic. So that rules out finishing high school, ha.

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3. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes, as Cam suggested.

1. This forum and its inhabitants. You make me feel part of something.

Thanks man! Appreciate your support with the translations and that you're a part of our community. I think we have something special happening here. :)

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Well, yuppie or not, I think he's primarily a man who's trying to pay his bills. It's actually advised to take a break from what works and write what you want regularly -- it's either this or stop writing completely for a week. But that hurts even native writers, yet alone a slavshit like me. Be happy that your language is spoken by a relevant part of Europe, more than half of America, and probably a few other places. I plan to spend the rest of my life being pissed about how irrelevant mine is. A man is nothing without a mission.

Interesting ... my dreams often include school, too. It generally tends to be about deciding about whether to go or now; I almost always decide not to then wake up and realize I didn't have to go there for almost a decade. I also dropped out of various schools repeatedly 'till I just went to work. I don't regret it at all (that's one of the things I actually don't regret) since, uhm, I now know I can't learn anything while other people are around. Or if I'm not very interested in the topic. So that rules out finishing high school, ha.

You have a point, if I want to make a living from my writing I'll have to combine both commercial and "personal" content. The question now would be "Do I want to make a living from writing?" How far I want to take it? 

You're right about the language I guess. You can still be translated, like the Swedes, but it's true it'll be harder. Slavs (and not just russians) are cool imo, I don't understand such hate. Or hate in general. Multiculturalism and the sort is mighty fine by me, but I'm not one of those SJW out there. I'd just like everyone to chill the fuck out for five damn seconds.

I don't usually like cramped environments, or should I say noisy environments who were not intended to be such. Or should I say buildings full of teenagers. But I can't shake off my mind I missed some kind of young experience I won't be able to retrieve or emulate in the future. Or is it only anime bias? Damned high-school moe grills.

- Monday review:

1. Draw for 1 (one) hour. (FAILED)

2. Write for 1 (one) hour. (FAILED, but I wrote a little bit)

3. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes, as Cam suggested. (FAILED)

4. Since my teacher delayed our drawing lesson until tomorrow, it's the perfect moment to start going to the driving school with my friend. (FAILED)

5. Go to bed early. (SUCCESS)

Thoughts: I guessed I wouldn't be able to do it and well, I was right. But I did something I had on my list since long: Watching a movie of Jodorowsky. I have the badgood luck of having some cultured friends thanks to my recent wanderings in young artistry, and his name was repeated several times. I couldn't allow myself to stay behind. I started by watching "The holy mountain" and now I can say the proper course of action is to change friends... ¬¬

Anyway, it was a success in the meaning I watched a film, and therefore made an attempt to recover one of my lost hobbies. I hope it'll serve as spearhead for future undertakings. But I have the feeling I'll need several attempts to get enough momentum until I welcome cinema and other arts (mostly literature) again in my life.

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VERY IMPORTANT:

I joined the 90 days detox! Or so I think. Knowing my computing skills probably I didn't. Asking Cam will solve the mystery. I get the impression my main struggle will not be related to avoid relapses, but get my life on track. 

What's the point in quit gaming if now I sleep or watch dumb TV all day? Better be gaming instead. So my objective is to get things on track. Not back on track. On track, for the first time. 

PERHAPS when I have some daily consistency the cravings will get intense. Perhaps I'll think "Well, now I got things somehow sorted out a bit of gaming won't hurt". Perhaps that'll be a terrible mistake. But that will be a future problem, more pressing matters await. 

I'm going to need some help with this stuff, but how? Where to start?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- For today:

1. Go to drawing classes.

2. Spend a bit of time outdoors and alone.

3. Not checking the phone during that time alone, or leaving it at home for a bit.

4. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes. It's going to be a daily objective from now on, until I complete all the work.

5. Check on the forum and such for advice and further discussion of the VERY IMPORTANT segment of this post. It's going to drastically influence future developments.

Bonus: Write or read for a bit.

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If you're interested in making a living as a writer, you must check out this amazing page. I just ran into it and I'm heading down to Maserati dealership later today. The first step was the hardest though.

Y, I would really like to get rich by providing e-porn for my geographical area. No one's doing it right now, and e-readers are just becoming popular here. I worry every day that I'll miss the opportunity. Now someone's going to read this here and do it before me.

There you go, wow. Visual novels that aren't high school matchmaking comedic dramas. Boom. But really, I do think there's a sizable potential in that ... at least when the current VN readers grow up. But perhaps the typical VN reader just enjoys this type of stuff regardless of his age; that would certainly fit the stereotype. 30-something single men masturbating to anime girls. And focusing on fapping is actually omitting the most troubling part: they're also emotionally connecting with them. Saying "my waifu" without irony.

(Hanako, perhaps there's a life in which we can be together ...)

But yes, schools suck. Would've been better if everyone were to just shut up and not look at anyone. Just ban talking and looking at people, so everyone can then focus on their jobs, and we don't care what you do outside the school.

We can talk politics if you wan't, but I don't really want to because I'm a little more determined than most in that regard. I think I've seen Cam mention Trump on Twitter though but even so.

Holy Mountain, hm. Do they have group sex?

ABOUT VERY IMPORTANT NEWS: I DON'T THINK YOU ACTUALLY GET TO ENROLL ANYWHERE IN A TECHNICAL SENSE. I THINK YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE STARTING? MAYBE NOT. BUT THAT'S HOW I DID IT. HOW LONG HAVE YOU NOT BEEN GAMING SO FAR? BECAUSE YOU COULD ADD THAT TO YOUR DAY COUNT. OR NOT.

Edited by Marchosias

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The key thing to realize is that success doesn't feel like success at first.  In video games, we always got instant feedback for good performance.  This isn't  how the world works at all.  Honestly, it can take a while before you notice the benefits of the work you're doing now.  Even then, it will take a bit longer for others to notice your improvement.  This is a really tough thing for us to adjust to.  Why put in the work to feel good in the future when I can just turn on a game and feel good right now?  Because the work I do to feel good in the future is real.  It lasts well after the game is turned off.  I won't have to try to escape my life because there won't be any reason to.

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- Tuesday review

1. Go to drawing classes. (MIGHTY SUCCESS, not only I went, but on time for the first or second time since I began)

2. Spend a bit of time outdoors and alone. (Technically I did, the time I spent between going to class and go back home, hah)

3. Not checking the phone during that time alone, or leaving it at home for a bit. (---)

4. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes. (FAILED)

5. Check on the forum (I left some comments, checked on journals I like, tried to be a bit social, so counts as half success)

Disclaimer: It wasn't my intention to recruit some kind of personal army or something, @Marchosias, just asking for opinion/advice and such. :D

- Wednesday review

1. Go to theatre rehearsal (SUCCESS, also on time woohoo!)

2. I planned to do it on tuesday, but finally I spent some time with myself. I had some nice insights, but they were mainly abstract, highly introspective in nature so I won't bore you with them. (SUCCESS)

After that I catched melancholy sickness and ended the day early, at 20.00. I got up today at 11.30. I spent the morning writhing in agony with a craving, and now it's time for some plans. I almost gave up, I thought I'd prefer to play a bit and then recover than spending hours focusing in not gaming and being unable to move or act, but I know it's a trap. It's gotten better now so PLAN TIEM!

- Thursday afternoon review:

1. Translate. Even if it's a single word, but do it, for god's sake. (FAILED!)

2. Check on seamanship classes! I heard about findacrew and I think it's an awesome idea! I live near one of the crossroads of the world, so with proper sailing credentials finding a captain won't be a problem. I'd love to give it a try this summer, for instance. Some kind of nautical hitchhiking! I'll also check on some self-defense classes. Someone who owns a boat and travels around the world can mean nothing but evil. (SUCCESS, I'll keep researching this matter, it seems there are some free courses, but probably far away)

3. Check on some dancing classes. I won't give up on my friend yet, but he teaches mainly cuban salsa and clearly it's not my style. (SUCCESS, I talked with my mother about it before going and she asked to check on her behalf, so I also made a good action)

90 days detox oficially starts today! Here are my objectives:

1. No "proper" games. I've got a nice streak already, keep it up and done. 

2. No flash games or cheap novels. I'll allow myself to read quality novels for the sake of plot research, limiting the time and only if all daily objectives are already met. I don't think I'll be able to lay my hands on any in three months...

3. No fap. I'll relapse a lot on this one unless I find another way to relieve anxiety. Some sport will suit fine.

Some special conditions must be met if I want not only stop gaming, but also improve my life. As I said before, if I just spend 90 days on the couch, that's basically cheating:

1. No couch. Hah! Now I've done it. It's gonna kill me.

2. No TV or fool around Youtube.

That's the minimum. I won't say what I'll do or won't do. Trying to avoid falling on those two will keep me busy one way or another, I hope. Come on man. Just 3 months. At least one. You can do it. Just 1 single month.

- Friday review:

1. Theatre rehearsal (SUCCESS) 

Tomorrow (today) is a great social party day here, Carnival. Lots of people, songs and booze. I don't have anyone to go with and no special reason to go. At first I planned to orbit around my theatre crush so I could make a fool of myself in front of her with my social awkwardness and therefore destroy all my chances and therefore stop feeling the chills when she touches me on stage and therefore improve the overall quality of the play (a much more noble and achievable ambition than getting laid, hah!). I was especially interested in attending the event when she assumed I don't like this kind of stuff just because my general appearance (Have I talked about my pride...?). Thankfully a friend I haven't seen in a while asked to meet so I won't have to resort to that. You might wonder why I'm so sure I'll make a fool of myself. It's a "staged event" in my life, almost identical ones have happened before and the result is always the same. It's simply a trap, now I know it and sometimes I even fancy to humor it for the laughs, but yesterday (and today) I wasn't in the mood. I also learned that she's dating someone already, so all that closeness with me is just friendly. Now I have plan for saturday and no reason to get nervous around her. Double success!

- But Jose, accepting your "friendzoneness", specially when you like the girl, is just lame. 

Ah, glad you asked, myself! You see, apart from my particular way of regarding relationships which I won't discuss here and now, I'm fully aware in my current state it would only lead to frustration and disappointment. Girls want to feel safe and currently I can't provide that. That's why talking about your own vulnerabilities with females is the easiest way to befriend them in almost every case. In modern society friendship is more valued than relationships, so they mostly consider a relationship with a former friend as "downgrading their status". And that's the reason behind the sentence "I don't want to ruin our friendship if it doesn't work". When they actually mean it, of course. 

Confidence in oneself leads to projects. Projects lead to work. Work leads to money. Confidence + Projects + Work + Money = Safety. Safety leads to girls. Girls lead to increased mental and emotional stability, they have that effect on us males. Safety + Girl + Stability = Family. Family is a cool thing. Easy. 

- So you're saying that female attention is just a logical conclusion of a series of factors and previous achievements? And that you can't treat girlfriends and wives in equal terms as, for instance, you'd do with your friends (regardless of gender) since you risk them leaving you when they realize you could experience times of weakness? Unless they're already tied to you in other ways, such as having kids? Isn't that, you know... wrong?

Well, good news is with a positive attitude it's possible to keep a girl by your side, even when going gets tough. And us guys have no problem at keeping a positive attitude, huh? ;)

So basically, care for oneself. Then when you have enough care, a surplus, care for others. Easy!

- So you're implying girls won't give a f*** about you unless you make the first step!? And provide them with enough emotional and economical stability beforehand!?

Erm. Next question.

- For today:

1. Eating well.

2. Translating (Help me based God).

3. Have a pleasant time with my friend.

4. Meditate until this foul stomach ache goes away. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Gratitude journal:

1. Mist/fog. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I feel so related to it. Most people regard them in negative terms, and they can be troublesome, to transportation for instance. I don't and love them with all my heart. 

2. Robot Chicken. Their jokes are like sushi. When bad they can kill you, when good it tastes like Heaven. 

3. Being able to shower any time I want. I'd go craz(ier?) if I couldn't. Clean mind in clean body.

4. Being able to talk to girls without spaghetti. My 11 year old self feels so fucking proud for that. 

5. STILL WINTER YAY!

(Bonus) This friend I'm seeing today. I'm absolutely sure our conversation will be meaningful even before having it.

Edited by Hitaru

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B-but maybe I want to be a part of a personal army?

I spent some time with myself.

 3. No fap.

Hm.

Just by staying away from porn you're doing a huge service to yourself. Fap away, just don't watch porn, imo.

Edited by Marchosias

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Girls are attracted to men that project the aura of confidence, which is associated with status, wealth, physical strength, etc. But you don't actually need to posses all these things to appear confident. That doesn't mean you have to actively deceive them, but let's just say an energetic loser with a plan is a lot more attractive that a wimpy beta rich guy.

Keep in mind that once you're set in the friendzone, it's difficult to get out. Some would say impossible. That can be fine if you enjoy being friends with girls -- I certainly do -- just be honest to yourself and understand that becoming her friend is the worst and hardest way to her bed.

(However, female friends can help you obtain an actual girlfriend. They generally love to play matchmaking games.)

(But whatever you do, never ask them for actual advice about what women want. The vast, vast majority doesn't understand themselves and will give you all sorts of random, false advice.)

Edited by Marchosias

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On 6/2/2016 at 7:47 PM, Marchosias said:

Girls are attracted to men that project the aura of confidence, which is associated with status, wealth, physical strength, etc. But you don't actually need to posses all these things to appear confident. That doesn't mean you have to actively deceive them, but let's just say an energetic loser with a plan is a lot more attractive that a wimpy beta rich guy.

Keep in mind that once you're set in the friendzone, it's difficult to get out. Some would say impossible. That can be fine if you enjoy being friends with girls -- I certainly do -- just be honest to yourself and understand that becoming her friend is the worst and hardest way to her bed.

(However, female friends can help you obtain an actual girlfriend. They generally love to play matchmaking games.)

Actually having all those things is harder and therefore more satisfying than simply displaying great cunning. Better to be rich AND cunning than just cunning. I know too many losers with a plan but no gf. I do my best to keep their spirits up while their plans slowly materialize into something. Semper fi. And I also enjoy being friends with girls, their point of view is totally worth the time. I assume you know about /r9k/ and similar decadent places. The vast majority of those guys have never bothered with listen to a girl for five minutes just for the sake of learning about them. EVEN if women are truly crazy; and they are. But a pleasant kind of crazy. Sometimes.

Friendzone is a social construct, they say. And I find myself quite adept to it. I don't like to flirt in the traditional sense, nor I have the skills or the natural aptitude, so I've assumed that if I ever have a girlfriend again she'll be someone as weird as me, so normal processes of attraction are nullified (actually happened a few times). And that's not a bad thing, I believe. I'll be a bit lonely, but there won't be boring girls!
Female friend playing matchmaking is almost as terrifying as male friend playing matchmaking, by a slim margin. If you want something done right best do it yourself...

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Ha, I have visited /r9k/ a few times and remember being fascinated by profound discussions about waifu pillows. It struck me that the majority of posters seemed very intelligent -- what a waste.

My dating advice is basically get drunk and visit goth parties. I should become a life coach.

Edited by Marchosias
STRUCK NOT STROKE dear god ill never be able to write in this language

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goth parties

You mean such a thing actually exists? How I've been so blind all my life...!?

*drama*

- Saturday review:

SUCCESS! All objectives accomplished, Yes!! 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't remember anything of sunday and monday. I didn't go out and drink so it's worrisome to have such amnesia. My friend is an aspiring game developer and asked me to be his (scriptwriter?). Despite motherly opinion of the idea being "as if an alcoholic started a bar" (I'm still indignant at her and I'll be for a long time), I think it can be fun. I'll be exposed to constant cravings and while they could overpower me avoiding games won't do me any good either. Games and technology are here to stay and I must accept that. I must accept it's me who voluntarily chooses not to play. Saying that felt strangely right.

Speaking of decisions, I have a serious conflict now. Normally I'd just think about it or write it, here or somewhere else and then wait for it to disappear, since most of my problems are temporary thoughts, but this problem here requires an action, carry out a decision and measure its consequences. Exactly the kind of thing I'm terrible at. 

Basically, it's February now (three months since first arrival here, oh my...). March is the month when you sign to things. Then you start them in September. Like almost everywhere else in the world I guess. Leaving aside the current education law and other socio-political foolishness, I'm left with two main options: 

1. I could try to enter again in a Dramatic Arts school, something I feel I'm completely not prepared to for a myriad of reasons, mental and physical. While it suits me and my general life path I'm not exactly motivated with the idea (if I was I'd totally go for it). Studying acting requires a full set of skills I'd love to master. My soul, my self-esteem and social skills would be thankful. But I would need start right NOW, and dedicate 24/7 to it. Completely not prepared. 

2. I could try some Job Training. I'm not sure of the correct translation, here goes by "Formación Profesional". Short studies (2 years) oriented to instruction in a specific occupation. It's socially poorly regarded ("Glorious spaniards no need stinking labor!") and I'd have to swallow a fair amount of pride, but I could have access to basic skills and job options beyond waiter so I won't starve to death no matter what happens in the future. I'm interested in "Operation, Control and Maintenance of Naval Machinery". Ship mechanic, yes. 

That's not all of it. Then I could, for instance, join the Navy as Sub-Officer, then study a career while enlisted when I turn 25. THEN I would be ready to do What I Really Want To Do With My Life: Travel and explore the world. And write about it and stuff.

Thousands of things could happen in-between but those are basically my main choices.

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SOUR RANT ABOUT PROS, CONS AND BULLSHIT

- I'm completely inept when it comes to manual work and technology, especially if involves maths, but I can't let that be a stigma for all my life, right? When you're bad at something, you'll probably learn more lessons about yourself with those than with things you have a talent for. That's why I keep trying stuff like dancing or partying, so Option 2 would be a fine idea...

- But what if I'm just making up a huge excuse to avoid theatre and facing my inner demons? What if I'm messing all up? WHAT IF I'M GOING TO COMPLETELY WASTE MY LIFE!?

- Mom suggests to go for theatre, or if I'm going for option 2, study nursing assistant for safer job opportunities. Experience indicates that proper course of action is almost always the opposite of whatever Mom says. Unless she's talking about "Things you shouldn't put inside your body" with the notable example of drugs and the (probably; still untested) notable exception of penis ("Stay with girls, old gays need diapers, eww!"). So that's one more point for Option 2.

- Experience indicates that the proper course of action is ALWAYS the first thing that comes to my mind, and I can't remember it! Now I don't know what I'm going to decide, but I'm sure it'll be the WRONG ONE! 

- What if by studying something manual I permanently sentence my life to an existence of redneck mediocrity!? God forbid! Excuse my bourgeois demeanour, it surely sounds stupid but it truly terrifies me. I've seen mediocrity up close and I don't want to be that. Poor people not in money, but also (and most importantly) in spirit. People without purpose. Despondent. Angry. Defeated. I'm intelligent and fairly cultured so I know I'll never fall low enough to become one of those... folks. I just need to avoid any kind of addiction. But I also know the mid-class version of it, in my closest family. That means I don't have some kind of family honor to uphold, or maybe I do? Anyway, even if success doesn't precisely run in my veins, abandoning myself to be yet another parasite (that would make three!) is just unacceptable. I (regretfully) don't believe there's a Heaven where Mom will be watching me when she dies, so my concept of honor and deserving belongs only to me. I deserve to be great! Or medium. At least. 

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1. I could try to enter again in a Dramatic Arts school, something I feel I'm completely not prepared to for a myriad of reasons, mental and physical. While it suits me and my general life path I'm not exactly motivated with the idea (if I was I'd totally go for it). Studying acting requires a full set of skills I'd love to master. My soul, my self-esteem and social skills would be thankful. But I would need start right NOW, and dedicate 24/7 to it. Completely not prepared. 

If i read your whole comment it seems to me as if you would really love to go to a dramatic arts school. If you really want to go there and only your inabilites are holding you off, then I would definitly decide for it or you'll rue it later. I mean it is basically the choice between the safe route and the route you want to take but where you fear to fail. If you should fail you have still time to find a new path. It is a big choice but it is like life: just a big experiment. Either way it goes you will grow at it and have one experience more. Better to try the risky stuff and fail, then to go save and never grow as a person.

atleast that is my opinion

and btw. there are no wrong choices. There are only mistakes and you can learn from. There is no perfect plan. Living is a fail and error game, if you want to be sucessfull you need to fail, learn from it and try again.

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What day of the 90 day detox are you at now? I suggest you write down the number every time you make a post; It creates an intriguing sense of progress and perhaps even achievement.

Games may be here to stay, yet I don't think it's a great idea to get involved into anything even remotely close to gaming during your detox.

Imagine you're an alcoholic who's stopped drinking a couple of weeks ago, and you're now going to hang out in a bar with your old drinking buddies. You order coffee and everyone has a nice enough time, but in truth, you're on one of the early stages of relapse. This is exactly how people relapse. They don't just wake up one day and have some mysterious force make them relapse: it's a process that has different stages and can often be predicted.

I suggest you seriously consider if getting involved in game development is a right decision.

About your education: definitely learn a trade first. You can always pursue drama after those two years (it may seem like a long time nigh, but it really is nothing), and if you decide to do so, you'll be able to do that knowing you have a skillset that will always pay. So yeah -- why not both?

There's nothing cool or respectable about not having any marketable skills, but I'd say it's pretty awesome when you're earning a decent salary and the "cool" sociology major is on welfare.

But definitely don't go into something you're not interested in and bad at. If you say technology and maths aren't your thing, don't go there. All that will happen is that you'll have to constantly put in more work than everyone else in exchange for mediocre results. How do you feel about nursing?

Also, lol, I don't remember ever discussing penises with my mother.

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Wow, you've written here a lot of content!

I briefly look into it and I can pinpoint couple of very important points for you: hitting the bottom.

I remember this point in my life, when I understand that I have to choose between video games 8 hrs a day and studying pharmacy, something I've been dreaming about. So I did everything to focus on second one and abstain from video games.

This is the best motivation for me, to stay away from this, to do anything to just avoid this bottom, this mess, time when my life was f***ed up.

 

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