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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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OFFICIAL BACK HOME ANNOUNCEMENT

 

Guys, there's so much I need to do. Besides sorting out loads of photos, update social networks and connect with friends, I need to start my freelancing scheme, settle the moving out business with my friend (either positively or negatively) and reorganize my priorities towards being a part-time but constant working GQ translator and student for the Army entrance exams. I'm determined to take this seriously. I'm truly sorry I won't be talking about my travels in detail anytime soon, with so many pressing issues at my still-short reaching hands. But know this; I'm back, I'm motivated, and this shit is going to work! 

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@Cam Adair Thanks Chief. It's great to be back.

 

Of course it happened. I woke up with all that weight holding me back. But now I identified it. It was excuses.

"What are the excuses that keep me from jumping out of bed?" - Well, I discovered at least 3: "What am I going to do for breakfast", "I need to shower" and "I don't have clothes ready". So part of my morning routine will be to have these 3 things ready every morning, which means some of them will need to be ready the night before. That, is preparation, and when chance meets preparation, success happens. I'm happy to report that today's morning cravings were avoided by sheer willpower, and that I'm ready to start this wonderful day. 

- I took a shower and I wanted to listen to something while I was at it, so I settled for a Stellaris gameplay. I immediately thought it wasn't that good an idea (and slightly triggering) so I took the chance to switch for a Charisma on Command video about handshakes, which was godsend (my handshakes have always been awful)

- Applied for my first freelancing jobs. This is so seriously not going to work, my self-esteem is at sea-deep levels. On Monday 8 I can aply for Cambridge CAE C1 exam, note to myself. My confidence in my english skills suddenly dropped hard. I guess I need a break now, but how?

- I fucked up. -

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After a painful relapse in PMO and some drama in the other journal, I had a conversation about my struggles with my SO (my current struggles, he already knew about my videogame detox) and surprise! He has a similar issue, since he's also a very anxious person and needs his ways to escape. I now feel even more connected to him. Even the way I kiss him has changed. Is this love, guys...?

I'm determined to stand up again no matter how many times I fall.

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Despite not being able to do anything else (healthy steady routine and that), I was able to keep a steady flow of job applications, I paid my fees for the english exam and I solved by myself the appointment with the... erm. Eye doctor. (Don't remember the name right now xD). Which was a source of big conflict with my mother. My new tactic with PMO is working and I'm feeling like shit as expected, which is making me do things now and then, which was also expected. Good enough, things considered.

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Third day without mindless browsing and things are going... pretty badly to be honest. On the inside I mean. The death anxiety, the cramps and the nightmares have returned, and I took an ugly ride down the PMO road. I don't want to worry anyone of my close c I don't want to worry my SO, since my mother is a brick when it comes to understanding anything emotionally and the issue is it's way too intimate to discuss it with the majority of my friends. I'm suffering but suffering has almost always been a good signal.

I have the impression I'm missing something huge, but I can't put my finger on it.

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Alright. 

I have my near future basically sorted out. Ophthalmological exam turned out well. What happens next?

I have 15 days to prepare English exams, around two months for the driving license and 4 months in total (September is the deadline) to get fit and prepare for the Army Entrance exam. There are several options in how to do this with several cities involved and a huge economical investment. And there's also the issue of my suddenly disappeared friend-landlord. I'm basically screwed because I threw a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. But it should be fine, right?

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@Cam Adair It turns out you were mostly right, I've been doing my homework and not only discovered the english exam is actually much more manageable than I first thought, I ALSO put myself in the path to crush it. Yes! Army Exams? Well that's another story. But I'm also doing my homework towards motivating myself, learning about the different Corps so I can make a smart decision and some good ol' myth-busting.

Some folks from inside complain about the Army being actually boring, while at the same time complaining about the relaxed postings being almost impossible to reach due to demand. So far no one complains about night beatings with soap bars wrapped in towels, but they might be just fine with it.

So there's no fixed opinion, but this fact: If I want action, and by action I mean crushing my bones under mostly dull, constant drills, then sure, go for an average score. If I want to chill, and by chill I mean lots of hours standing around for the next two years, I must pour my grey matter into that exam. I'll try to go for the best score to give me some edge in my options (higher the score, more postings available) and probably choose an option in between. 

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Hola Jose!

Como estas? :) I mean, you're going to make a smart choices, as I see, whatever happens.

I think that the whole attitude depends mostly on the person.

Each work, even if you're passionate about it, becomes just a work when time passes. However, it depends on you how you'll answer to that what Army will give you in the futere.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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@hycniejsy Yeah you're totally right, I will probably be really excited about it in the beginning and then it will become a dull affair, and it will be up to me to stay focused and get the best of whatever is thrown at me; not just in the Army but in life in general as well. But wherever there's advancement, there's good in life to be harnessed.

Emotionally, I'm restless. Things are going ok, but not enough. There's way more I should be doing, even if my upcoming exam is under control. Specially now that my upcoming exam is under control. Rationally, I recognize that I can't go from zero to hero, but I dunno man, it's the same as always, this half-assedness. Not enough to fail, not enough to succeed. I've been mindless browsing and PMOing a lot, and I mean a lot. I even neglected my SO for the first second time. Not this path man, uh-huh. I must say however, that I use the term fail much more liberally as the term succeed, so the balance is positive. Like 40-60% or so.

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@hycniejsy Anxiety, mostly. I try to do other things like meditation but it will take long to implement. 

English exam tomorrow. News, later. (hm, around June 4th or so) Yesterday I went to the cinema alone for the pleasure of it, and I feel proud of those little gestures of independence.

I'm improving my army test scores, but falling behind in physical preparation. I'm quite nervous about it. My shape is really bad (I must say, I feel healthier, but really, really untrained. Just moving around makes me ill from fatigue. 22 years old, shameful).

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English exam went good! I'm expecting to know the results by June 19th. I've been spending these last two days anxiety-sick and lazy-ing around, but I'm back on track with my sleep after... heck I can't even remember. I'm currently having great positive momentum with NoFap, so I'm happy, even if it comes with almost crippling stress. It's the right path. 

I met two responsibilities with friends instead of my usual bailing out with an excuse and I feel great about it, more connected to the people I care about (through proactive effort, which is also as important). I still have some things I'm falling behind with, but not all hope is lost. Things may even work somehow. 

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300 days and a week without videogames. 

Morning was ok, learned some useful stuff for army tests in class (I'm taking two online classes per week and I'm considering more), then checked on some stuff for the also upcoming Lifehack Bootcamp. Things were looking good but then I grew confident (and bored), mindless browsed YouTube and it went to shit. What a headache I'm having, god damn. It's no joke, it went to levels similar to games in terms of numbing my mind. Severe measures will probably be taken. Again that makes me feel constricted and tyrannical towards myself. Where is all this effort aimed to? What's the point..? 

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Nearing a week in NoFap while at home (my record was 14 days while traveling, 4 days 12 hours at home). I'm really excited about it. It's hard. Real hard. But worth it. 

I recorded myself for the first time for the intro video of the Lifehack Bootcamp. I had that little thorn in my side since Beyond, and now I can finally say, I did it! A new barrier taken down, woo! I might even come to like seeing my face in the screen... :P (being hygienic, with my hair cut and beard trimmed helped a lot. See, preparation is key, specially for someone perfectionist like me). I'm in a great mood right now.

I'm also taking my studies more seriously. That means more economic investment. That means more fights with my mother. Honestly I feel like I'm robbing her. No, SHE is trying to make me feel like that. My anxiety skyrockets and what can I do? If I can't handle her, how the hell am I supposed to handle a sergeant? But it's not the same, I care about her opinion, even when knowing her opinion amounts to a huge pile of shit, coming from a position of extreme fear and immobility. Talk about fixed mindset, huh, @Cam Adair? Nah, this is not another rant about my mother. I'm... probably maturing. I'm coming to understand I can't put in the same box the mother that loves me and the woman who is scared of the world around her. That's her sin, her monster, I have my own ones. It hurts, but I must take her and her opinion as they are and nothing else, and beyond everything, trust myself. I must allow myself to try, to make mistakes and defend those mistakes in front of everyone. If I try honestly, with heart, then I can keep my head held high. 

If there's something I've learned during my journey and the real thing you should take from this whole journal is: The only real mistake you can ever make, is inaction.

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 Yesterday and today were tough. Here's my latest NoFap journal entry from yesterday:

6 days, 16 hours. Relapse. 

I had a really stressful morning today. So stressful that in fact, I can't even feel bad about this relapse, all my brain power is focused on the critical levels of anxiety I'm experiencing. I will use the opportunity to be kinder and understanding instead of pointlessly berating myself. After all I'm improving.

I feel I've been very cryptic with the source of all this anxiety, at least in this journal, so I will tell the whole story. 

As I said before, I'm a high-school dropout NEET. Or at least I used to be. Now I'm studying to try to apply in the Spanish Navy. It would be really cool to spend the next two or four years there before turning at least 25 and be legally able to try college, but my mother doesn't see it that way. To her I'm just wasting her money, my time and potential trying to enter in some shithole for losers, misfits, mentally retarded brutes. That might have been her literal words at some point. She's trying to guilt-trip me into giving up at every step and turn. Of course she won't offer alternatives beyond making sure I remember at all times that my current goal is not just a mistake, but will destroy my life forever.

It's just ridiculous. As if studying by itself wasn't hard enough for me in my current situation. I'm not used to study, never did before. I'm not used to routine, to responsibility. I have to stop to meditate every two hours and my stomach is upset all the fucking time. I fear this anxiety will be noticed in the psychological evaluation and earn me a fail. And I haven't started with the physicals yet. Sometimes I feel she would prefer I was still a videogame addict just to not unsettle the statu-quo we had. As if she was content with me being useless so she would have someone to take care of and have around to make her company, and not challenge her with their own decisions against her wishes and preferences. As if I had not enough with myself already trying to do the job of making me a psychologically crippled parasite. Disgusting. 

I'm a self-made piece of shit trying to reach at least human levels of dignity and self-respect, why the fuck can't she collaborate? I can't stand up for my beliefs in front of my own mother without unleashing hell in my bowels, just how... fucking... Pansy...!

No, sorry. 

Still, how am I supposed to handle this, or anything. My mother is a doormat and I can't handle her. That makes me even more of a doormat. I just know I don't want to die at any time or form and that makes terrified and utterly nihilistic, but I also don't want to live perpetually scared and regretful of everything, like HER! But I keep letting her undermine everything I do. It's my fault, for letting her. Shit.

On top of that, my diet is crap so I never have proper energy, I'm worried about our family finances since I asked my mother to spend a four figure sum in a coaching workshop (unrelated to my exams but probably useful) and my SO is busy with his new job and angry (the former lead to the latter) so he barely talks with me and is giving me the silent treatment "because he doesn't want to be rude and pay things with me". Yeah way to go A. surely you are not making me feel bad or anything. 

I don't know what's worse, feeling alone or feeling weak because I'm feeling alone. 

In this situation, I went to check on extra classes and gyms, asking for fees and advice. Had a load of some more or less uncomfortable conversations, something that really puts me on edge. Then I returned home, tired and sweaty, checked some porn and there we go. Oh wait NOW I'm feeling bad for it, now that I took the rest off my chest.

Today, meh. Helped mom with groceries, that was a good thing. Taking baby steps towards improving my diet, it will be crucial to keep my kitchen well stocked no matter how boring going to the supermarket may be. My hair is now cut short (whoa...!) and clothes are a much simpler affair in summer, so the "Oh no I need to be perfectly groomed before going out" excuse is as good as dead for now. I'm expecting a call from a LH Bootcamp coach and things have been going ugly so far, with several technical issues and annoying setbacks. Most days I feel I make a small victory in my studies, learning this, checking on that... but I fear it will not be enough being as hard-pressed for time. Jesus, will this always be so damn hard and bothersome.

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One day at a time brother! You've come a far way, don't forget that! 

I know. It's not in my current character and self-esteem to freely acknowledge it. But I know. Precisely yesterday I had a really insightful conversation with a dear friend about this. All my fears (failure, success getting over my head, expressing myself) come down to a single thing: fear of rejection (sounds familiar @Cam Adair?). I don't know where the hell does this come from, but I'm really interested in finding out. Probably another of those "lifelong quests" but that doesn't bother me. Much.

LH Bootcamp began and damn is it intense. I'm not being paid for saying this and I'm not saying it completely as a good thing, but the sheer amount of content is INSANE. As if it was a way of encouraging you to prioritize and discriminate because you won't be able to check it all, at least in these 8 weeks. Yep, I think it's exactly that. But, it's going acceptably well so far. Acceptably because my efforts have been acceptable, but I can do lots better. As in many other things in my life.

Also, this happened, if you haven't seen it already: https://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/4173-the-irony-of-it-all-i-was-offered-a-job-in-the-videogame-industry/ . I'm still laughing. That kind of surprised "My, what now" laughter. Not self-deprecating one. I see that as a really good thing. I believe my worldview is becoming more lighthearted and optimistic. That can only lead to good. 

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Last week was a mess. I've said this a thousand times, it's my body trying to resist change. I've fallen deep into a mild depression, watching porn and gaming film, even more than when I was in detox. So I guess I poisoned myself again, even if I didn't do the playing myself. But if after 318 days your life is still surrounded by gaming content, escape and instant gratification, what's the difference? 

None, I say. I made a courageous (or should I say desperate) move and blocked again direct access to bothersome things. Laptops are blocked during the night to ensure sleep (or journaling), and porn in particular is blocked during the day. Next the gaming content. The final push for Berlin, huh.

My 40~ish euro headphones suddenly broke after less than 5 months, what a programmed obsolescence sham. I need that shit, I'll have to check on Amazon. Traditional commerce my ass.

ALSO THIS HAPPENED.

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Last week was devoted to reflection and recovery, setting me up for sucess, or at least for survival (survival would also be a hell of a goal). I'm not fully invested again in LH Bootcamp and my daily responsibilities yet, but I believe I'm on the right path. I had to take some decisions, hard ones, and stop negotiating with myself in non-negotiable things. I knew I had to do it since the very beginning, but I didn't dare. "Is this website that bad? Yes, yes it is..". "Aren't you being unreasonable with the time assigned to non-essential internet things? No, no I'm not", and so on. I even assigned time to writing this journal, to avoid mindlessly refreshing the page again and again or just staring at it. Yes, it's that bad. 

The jitters and brain crap are still a huge issue, but it will pass. It will. At least this time I'm not wanting to die while I cope with them. No, I want to live, I want to see where all this leads me to. I'm developing a huge interest in self-preservation based on sheer curiosity of witnessing. I guess that's the first step before a genuine desire of taking action and see it reflected upon my small piece of world. Life probably works that way.

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