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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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 IS THAT A YES

Nah man, not yet. 

I'm busy with the group to keep posting on a regular basis, but I lurk often and generally speaking, I'm making improvements in my routine. Sometimes. One or two good days, two or three bad days, rinse and repeat. At least now I'm aware of the cycle. I need to develop some strategy to counter it. 

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I mostly just hope you aren't still in the kind of limbo you were previously.

Somewhat, sometimes. 

------------

"I lost all my momentum", it's a phrase I'm sick of saying. I relapsed on NoFap, I'm slacking in my commitment to the Beyond group when I was most illusioned and motivated, I've been failing on my habits and eating poorly, no one in my closest circles will support my decision to try the military and I've been feeling lost and alone for the most part. 

I also entered a relationship with a man.

Wait, what?

Yeah... somehow, some complete idiot I met while doing a test run on Tinder decided that I was charming to his eyes and I had no choice but reciprocate; very intensely.

It wasn't something planned in any sort, and "burdening" myself with a serious relationship was certainly not in my short-term goal list. But I was feeling lonely nonetheless so I downloaded said application everyone was talking about and gave it some swipes, for science and whatever else might develop, expecting some cordial fling or, much more probably, nothing at all. A failed 150 km radius search for women was about to confirm my suspicions until, after a whole week, embarrassed but hurt in my ego, I decided to take the leap and try the men's section. My hometown being a bit isolated, 20 km. would do.

Of course it blew my mind. Matches were raining down on me and I was completely overwhelmed. Believe me, I didn't swipe right more than 10 people and got 7 matches, all really interesting people (at first glance at least), and all my preconceptions about myself suddenly shattered. I was so used, all of my short life, to get kicked, patronized, and being considered a plain weirdo by the generality of the female gender. Always taking things for granted and treating people as if they were sparing lives or giving audiences in a throne room. Here, they won't even fill out their profiles. And they all looked the same.

With men, I didn't have any kind of experience, no one ever hit on me, but again I was also told that I didn't give out the "vibes" or did publicize my liking for them broadly, so that was to be expected. I was simply busy trying to be friends with anyone in my ultimate very own DIY asexual experience. Too straight for guys, too homo or "unmanly" for girls, and a bit weird to boot. Or so I thought. Once I dared to put on myself a big rainbow signal, figuratively, everything changed. And amidst all this confusion, I met him.

I will spare you the more sugary details but we connected immediately. It's funny. He's been what I would call much more successful than me, having finished a really hard career and leading a straightforward life so far, and yet we seem to share some elemental fears on what to expect next. And a shared fear of intimacy as well. Whatever worry I have, he understands perfectly and has always the right, most loving and supportive answer. And whatever problem he might be facing, I somehow happen to know the ideal reaction, don't even ask me how I manage to pull off such empathy. With him, it just works. With him, I'm not a mere robot, and that's much more than I could ever say about myself. So of course, I had to go an fall for said idiot since he almost seems blessed with an unnatural knowledge of my inner workings and what makes me tick emotionally when the time calls for it. So, I'm young, healthy, studying (sometimes -_-) and in love.

And of course, it's happening. The more I'm getting closer to having a normal life, the more resistance my body is putting. Despair can't work without hope. All this improvement is but a slim speck of hope necessary in order to smite me, utterly and definitely. That's what some that twisted part of me wants to think. But I will have the last laugh, oh yes. Despair and pride are an explosive combination. 

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Wow, I'd call that progress then.

Also HAHA GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY nvm just noticed you made moderator

But yeah, I think it's great that you've found someone. Perhaps just to point out a trap that you're probably aware of (at least on an intellectual level, which often isn't enough): don't ever become dependent on any relationship. You're two separate individuals in a relationship that's mutually beneficial, and while that relationship can certainly induce all sorts of pleasant emotions, thinking you somehow make "one whole" that's made out of two "imperfect pieces" is both factually wrong & can lead to a disaster. Just don't.

I do miss being in a relationship now, actually, even though I know I'm not ready for it. My country's tranny factory is very close to the unit I live in right now, so I think I'll take advantage of that. I hope we can work something out - whatever that might be. It's been years, and I can't live like this any longer.

I find nofap to be unnecessary and perhaps even redundant - at least when there are a number of other, more crucial, things to sort out. I'd always tell people to yeah, get your life together, but fap away, my dude. I agree that there are benefits to it, but the way most people approach it is by trying to improve their lives on several different fronts at once, and of course they then mostly fail.

lolol im actually posting this

Edited by Marquess

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@Marquess Whoa man, you can't even begin to guess how anxious that thought, the possibility of falling into yet another codependency, makes me feel. I've been stressing myself over it again and again; every little detail adds to the sum. I'll give you the latest example:

I spent yesterday with him after a surprise visit the night before to cheer him up (he has a problem managing anxiety and indecisiveness and life has recently put him in a crossroads). We crashed his home with his parents sleeping, cuddled and slept together, and then spent the next day (yesterday) in a really lovey-dovey standard fashion. It left me satisfied but emotionally exhausted. It seems emotional exhaustion it's a thing even for positive emotions, I didn't know. I neglected my responsibilities and he confessed me

he was a virgin (and still is).

The mix of putting aside my stuff and potential infatuation on his part made me panic. I don't want to commit, but I don't have any reason, rational or emotional, to fight the flow. The guy is nice, I like him, he likes me and we care for each other. What am I getting so upset about?

Beyond ended, and I have a new resolve to keep my stuff going, specially with this newfound emotional support. An improvised flash piece of erotic prose I wrote for a contest was chosen to be published among others. My name in a book for the first time, woo! Guess I found proper inspiration for once...? 9_9

Edited by Hitaru

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During these six days, the rollercoaster went down and up again. I had a huge crisis of the likes I used to have a year ago but it was saved with the help of my SO. That moment of weakness and dependence doesn't make me happy or proud in the slightest, but I thank him and the Universe for putting him in my life anyway. The current lows are related to my pmo addiction. I feel frustrated as all this addiction fighting feels sometimes as setbacks for putting my life on track, but on the other hand they are necessary. It will make me a better being, I must keep reminding myself. 

About said SO, I still feel I'm spiralling into a heavy commitment I'm not ready for. On the other hand, why not just relax and enjoy the moment? It's key for an assertive mindset to be able to express myself at any given moment. If this uneasiness persist I should be able to tell him and stop seeing each other, if it comes to that. My insecurities towards him are also really shalllow, objectively speaking. 

I have now 5 months to prepare myself to the challenge of joining the armed forces. Will I be able to make it? Honsetly, no. But I will still try anyway. I'm still a mess right now and I lost the habit and momentum of journaling, but I will fix that as well soon. 

Good news: I currently have a healthy and stablished social life (besides SO) and it's been 252 days without games. 

Edited by Hitaru

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Be patient with yourself brother. You're pushing your edges, and you'll never "be ready" for things outside your comfort zone. It's only when you lean into the discomfort and embrace the challenge that you grow into the person capable of being ready in the moment. :)

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Remember my game dev friend? (check mid-journal for reference, around last year same time) We met again, reconciled and he brought news. Apparently shit is going to hit the fan in his home on Monday, and he's going to leave for good and start living in an apartment inherited by his late father, may he rest in peace. He asked me to be his homie in exchange of a friend-rate rent. Honestly, putting aside helping him in a moment of need, it's a great opportunity. Leaving home but still 10-15 minutes apart, with someone I consider my brother, a driven and motivated individual (even more than last year) and coincidentally very near of where my SO lives. It's almost too good to believe. I could escape my house, the dreaded comfort zone and the procrastination. He knows his way around with computers so he could keep me in check with blocks and cutting my internet, and I could work in peace on my projects without fear of criticism. We even discussed ways to improve Game Quitters! Too good to believe. 

What should I do? Things will reach critical mass in two days, and I don't think my mother (the current provider and investor of this venture should it happen) would approve. Probably she couldn't afford it even if she does, some math will be required to find out. I could of course look for a job with no skills in the region of most unemployment of Europe. And there's also the matter of our conflicting views towards videogame usage, though I'm much more resilient to cravings and absolutely convinced in my decision to quit. We could have a fight and I'd have to return mom's place, defeated and embarrased. On the other hand, I'm more motivated, far less depressed and desperate, and with my social network stablished, I would be far less dependent on him. It could turn out to be a perfect arrangement, and if I pass my AF entrance exams, it would be far less than permanent.

Things look difficult and grim for both of us. Isn't it great!?

Edited by Hitaru

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Just some hours left. I'm ready to be not ready, regardless of what happens in the end. Today was completely wasted, sleeping and spending last night with my vices. I'm scared to the possibility of not being ready to fix my habits and thus letting down my friend. On the other hand, writing down my fears in this journal is an indirect substitute of telling him directly. After all, he knows of this place. I won't dissapoint you again, P.

I found something I was really looking forward to read finally translated into English. I'm leaving it here and most probably I'll do a thread about it. Just in case the link goes down, the name is "The Private Report on My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness" , by Kabi Nagata.

https://dynasty-scans.com/series/the_private_report_on_my_lesbian_experience_with_loneliness

It's so crushingly relatable, I can barely cope with it. I might collapse under the pressure of all this massive realization, on top of the pressure of future developings. Ahh, I feel like dying, in a pleasurable psychologically masochistic way. But, as I'm now discovering, it's a fairly common sensation. I used to (and implicitly being taught to) laugh derisively at japanese awkwardness, being an oh-so-social southern european. I am truly sorry. The social pressures we're subject to are not so diferent after all, with only subtle differences in work and family ethics. 

 

To show my point, I'm just leaving this here. I might start to come back to this book a lot in the future: 

058.thumb.png.1a5e66038e77e5467aab58d1d3

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@Revolutionary Thinker Gonna need more specificness to be able to answer your question fam. What are you talking about exactly?

-------

Regular news, I participated in a Holy Week parade, with meh results (I was given a heavy banner to carry and since I'm still in terrible shape it was a bit awkward, but at least no one knew it was me, thanks KKK costumes!). Spanishness intensifying!

Good news: Moving from home project approved! Starting on May. So excited!

Bad news: There are a fuck ton of problems that come with that, including financial ones. It will be an all or nothing sort of thing, but instead of a two week or month sprint, we're talking about at least 4 months. I've never kept my emotional resilience for that long.

BETTER NEWS: Nothing like a rash decision to put me into motion, and what better than another short travel to learn about the current hottest european issue. Next stop, greek islands. I'll be spending some time there in one of those european financed projects, the time between agreeing with my friend and actually moving with him. I hope it will give me the strenght to put me into motion again. Let's go!

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You've got this bro! Leveling up! 

I know right? But I don't know man, I can't even get a steady routine going. Things went to shit after Beyond, it was such a dissapointment with myself. And the Squad (even if it would be a bit of a crutch, considering my situation and reactions) is still a bit too far on the expensive side (It's not that expensive, especially for US standards, I'm just broke). To handle my economic issues (issues being start generating income, basically) I'll need to be strong of mind and focused and... shit. On the other hand, I realized just how dependent I am in all aspects, so I need to get away from my mother, asap. It just gotta happen. Life's laws as well, it has to happen eventually anyway.

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I know right? But I don't know man, I can't even get a steady routine going.

Review the material from Beyond - it's all still there to support you.  

Thanks for the suggestion, I will.

@Revolutionary Thinker Ah, I went to Algeria. I want to write about how traveling can be a liberating experience during the quitting process (because it is), but I never find the time or the words. But don't give up on me, I will, someday in the middle run!

@Shine Magical HAH, see? xD Oh man so many potential jokes here.

Speaking of gay stuff (hooray!)... things... happened between me and my SO. Funny, considering how I had already accepted to take our relationship really slow in that field. Guess I underestimated his determination to make things work in our relationship. It was a pleasant surprise. Heh. Pleasant. Ahem. Still a bit dopey and silly, sorry.

Discoveries! Love and happiness! Way to go for my 300th post! But of course anxiety settled in. Life's still a hard thing to cope with. I'm kinda procrastinating right now, writing this. The more "normal" I become, the less reason I have to stay at home all day, musing and with all these dark clouds of existential depression looming over my head. And of course the less reason I have, the more it tries to cling to me to avoid being removed. It's a fucking disease, that's what it is. 

However, I feel I now have much more weapons to fight and am far less hopeless than, say, a year ago. My family finances are currently a mess, I sincerely don't know how am I going to pay for my tuition and assorted activities. I'm positively scared and don't know any way to consider it in a more positive light. Real world problems, huh. 

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VICTORY! Despite all the procrastination and anxiety, I was able to prepare all the stuff for my imminent next trip. The only thing I regret is my bad temper when I get into "Serious business mode". When something finally makes my snap out of my normal apathy, which is not exactly a frequent happening, it becomes too important to be left alone, unchecked. My perfectionism and sense of duty, once triggered, gets the better of me. I truly need some yoga sometimes, but I guess I could make for a decent sargeant...!

I'm starting to become involved in volunteer humanitarian work again. If my Army dream meets a premature end (and it could, I still haven't checked my eyesight), that could become another path for me. I won't let it distract me from my current goals however. At most, I will only do some courses on the side to learn useful skills. 

I also set up a still precarious freelance scheme to be able to provide for myself. I won't cross my fingers, but it's my best shot for the time being. The feeling of impending doom doesn't fade, but oh please, things are going acceptably fine. Is acceptably fine acceptable enough? Nah. But it's progress. B|

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Quick update: I'm in Greece! We arrived yesterday after some 40 hours of traveling. My mates are fun and the foreigners look interesting... if I can keep up with the names :S Today we're supposed to begin the real stuff. Looking forward to it. 

I'll be probably writing in my NoFap journal more since I'm currently battling that and there will be far more emotional shifts than news these days (besides "we did this and that" and I'll tell you about that in detail later). Link is in my signature, but you know that already xD If you just want the gist, it's being Hell but I have good chances of reaching a week and that fills me with good energy, the very few times I forget about how hellish it is. But being in control feels awesome.

I sincerely hope you have a great week, I'll try my best on my part!

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I must have become sick or fatigued in some way, since today it doesn't seem I'll be able to do much. Thankfully the big bulk of the project is done but it's frustrating to get sick everywhere I go. It's also true I have my emotional struggles in the backstage that leave me exhausted, such as my NoFap fight. Today a week for the first time. Details in the other journal.

I love this place. And at the same time I can't wait to return and try to pour the good vibes into something productive. Especially after visiting the refugee camps. My social commitment has been set in stone. I like the double feeling of wanting to stay and wanting to leave. Makes me feel alive. 

On top of that, I've been super social. Last night I was sit on a table, around people of several countries, sometimes leading the conversation, sometimes listening, sometimes making well-timed jokes. And I thought to myself "This is it. This. I made it to THE TABLE." Normally, it was the corner for me. The side wall, or the stairs. More recently, I would sometimes enter the center, try to get involved, somewhat succeed, get tired (I work as an introvert after all) and put some distance, job acceptably done. But never the table. The table was for that kind of people. The pretty girls. The cool stoners. The chads, in r9k jargon. The skilled, charismatic socialites. I made it to the table, make me knight! B|

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