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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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If things go well, I will be on the move again in 12 days. This time, 6 weeks! Also an ecology project. Just the coincidence. I'd like to go to other kinds of projects, community building, fight against poverty, things like that. But after this, I'll have to tone down my traveling. I'm gonna have to use family finances to go to this one (the first was almost completely free) and that's not the way I want to do it. I might have to start working. Gasp, adult world. 

Very exciting! 

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@Paul A. To Algiers! From the people I know perspective, is basically the same as @WorkInProgress said. I find their attitude ignorant. And racist. But most of all ignorant. There is danger, yes, but the north of the Magreb (Morocco, Algiers, Tunisia) has nothing to do with the Middle East - or the Sahel, for that matter. They have their own problems aside from terrorism (A boiling political stagnation waiting to blow up any second, for example).

My real concern is the organization being a fraud (or at least not delivering as advertised) and then being left stranded in an unknown place with the word "WESTERN" painted all over my face, and even so, I'd "just" need to pay a grotesque amount of money to return back and face my honest failure in front of my crazed matriarch. 

-------------

I'm doing something wrong. Sleeping in the couch has the unwanted effect of being near my mother's computer and sleep like shit. I lost my habit of waking up early. I don't want to make plans or consider what should I do. Just do. Whatever. I'll try right now.

Oh! And also, today is day 100 without games. Way to go!

Edited by Hitaru

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I've written several drafts of journal entry but since I didn't finish them they are all outdated now. I'll try to convey the general idea:

Since I returned from my first travel, my priorities seemed to shift. I suddenly didn't gave a damn about my room being reformed or the clothes I'm wearing or whatever. I learned that I can do so much of what I want with so little, if I focus my priorities the right way. Suddenly, the world I knew was unnecesary, frivolous, shallow. It was very depressing and yet revealing.

These days I've been in a very negative cicle. And, I don't want to be a downer or determinist, but I was expecting it the very moment I smiled for the first time in Turkey. Fatalism or self-knowledge? Whatever, the fact is that I was feeling very down, sleeping like shit, barely eating or moving, with zero energy and again worried of my health. Another fact is that it will pass, so even if now I'm not feeling so good, in hindsight is not so dramatic. I feel not just proud, but happy of having lived to the moment where I'm able to see the light no matter my current state. It fills me with hope and that can only be a good thing. I now sound like your average, bipolar, chronic depressive ^_^ And probably, as I said at the very beginning of my journal, I am, and it's just the way I am, if you allow me the redundance. Despite how I sound now, I've never been so happy and ok with myself. It's just the present mood, ask me again in two weeks or so ;). If anything, I regret not having taken walks this time of the year, considering how much I was waiting for this temperature. The sea is also the most beautiful in autumn and spring, or at least that's my impression. 

The travel has been a mess. Accepted, rejected, accepted again, problem this, problem that, and just a little me to solve everything. I've been having the uncertainty during all this time and that uncertainty played a major role in my mood. Of course my family situation isn't helping. Coincidentally, I got a phone call from my father this morning. He noticed that I've been purposely avoiding him since I came back. It's hard to me, I just don't know what to do with this man. He asks me to have a healthy father-son relationship, and that's understandable; but I just don't know this man. The only memory I have of him is alcoholic mistreatment years ago, and I would be able to forgive him, but my mother does not. I'm confident I'll be able to reach a decision eventually. 

So! Travels, travels. Yesterday I was finally able to send the documents to the embassy for my visa application. Instead of getting caught up in the people of the organizations endless stream of half-thought advices, I determined I'll be traveling in two weeks, and *they* will have to stick to it. That way I can prepare my travel with time, save money and also travel to London with my mother in the meantime, as we had already scheduled since this summer. The idea of a poorly planned short trip with such a complicated person (from my own personality perspective) is tiresome but 1. Don't look a gift horse in the teeth and 2. If it eases her mind even just a little bit, then it's worth the world. 

My cat is loving me again. It sounds not very serious but I find it relevant. Since the weather is more cold he usually seeks company and snuggles beside me, which I find almost unbearably heartwarming. Helps me a lot.

In some days I'll have to forcefully shake off the bad feelings, but now I'm not sure if I can. At least when I go to London I'll gain much needed momentum and I'll get out of this funk, but it's frustrating nonetheless. Cam told me someone else was about to finish Respawn in their respective language and I took it a bit personal in my pride. My recovery comes first and I'm not the most collaborating patient, but I still wanted to be the first. Doing things half-assedly, remember? That seems to be an unpleasant constant in my life. I can almost hear @hycniejsy now rightfully lashing at me for my negativity :ph34r:

Well, Step 2 is complete, and Step 3 will arrive. Sliiiight progress. Sorry for not being so active lately, and for not being in a position to be helpful. I think I need some time for myself, but I'm not sure how to do it without isolating or thinking too hard. I don't want to write just for the sake of writing and letting the days go by. I want my journey to be meaningful (it's my life after all). I'll also try to moderate or take a break from the Discord chat. People there is awesome and I love the topics and socialize, but I tend to get swept away by the flow of endless conversation (people from different time zones always coming and going). It is time for me to be serious with myself. 90 days was a milestone and I'll never downplay it. Still, now that I don't have a time limit it doesn't feel the same. The days already reached serve as a positive sunken cost to avoid relapsing, but staring at the ceiling or sleeping is not a good substitute either. I need goals. Will I be able to discern what I want to do without getting too caught up in my own reasonings or procrastination? I don't have much hope on it, but I have to try.

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Trying to block moderately again I screwed up again! The two things I blocked that are really a problem are youtube and the forums (this forums). So until I find a solution I'll have to access from my mother's laptop. Furthermore, my mother's laptop is blocked at night and in the mornings (when she's working) so probably the only time I'll have to access is at 15:00-16:00 spanish time. At first I was pissed as hell. Now that I think cooly about it, it may turn my computer into the ultimate efficience machine, so I might even keep it as it is.

Just this morning I was able to get up early, have a nice breakfast outside (AT LAST!) and receive visitors. I'm quitting milk and sugary drinks, from now on just water and natural juices. At least for a month, just to see how I feel. Milk in the coffee is still permitted, what I'm trying to quit is milk during breakfast. It makes me feel queasy and tired. And sated, which makes me slump in the couch and do nothing all day. And it's not even 16:00! I'm so bored the only way out of this is getting a life or going completely insane. Choosing between A or B, just the way I like it. See? I should listen to my self (my subconscious self) more often.

I'm not receiving good news from the embassy (actually I'm not receiving news at all) and I'm starting to quietly despair. That means I might implode one day without anyone noticing. I also realized I need more friends. I should be in a state where I could go out whenever I wanted, at any time at the day. That means at least... 5? 10? No rush.

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Hi Hitaru, 

Everyone goes through cycles of emotions, however if you think things are going not well at all then it might pay to address the issue(s) that are causing you anxiety and/or sadness. You're absolutely right, it will pass, so don't think those feelings are permanent or worth worrying about too much.

I don't know enough about your relationship with your father, but if he's trying to reach out to you then it might be worthwhile to show him some attention. What is right for you will be more obvious to yourself though.

If you feel like you're "in a funk" Cam has made a video for that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KePZMXRSDFQ It may help, but if not then just take a walk and focus on your surroundings (not past or future).

I'd like to see how going without milk or sugary drinks goes, Good to see you're making that good decision to avoid becoming 'slouchy'.

All the best for making friends, getting out of your funk, and every other challenge you're facing :D

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I just can't believe how massively POSITIVE was my honest mistake with the blocking software. I was able to finish all my paperwork of past and future travels, took the first steps towards recovering one of my lost hobbies (violin), started translating again, and even went outside to have breakfast more than once. I feel more optimistic and healthy now. This can only lead to good things. I'm absolutely ready in body and mind to undertake my travels now. Bring it on!

Of course, I feel bored all the time, but that's just me being unorganized and it's bound to be fixed at some point.

I'm getting nostalgic now. In less than 3 months I'll be doing three travels, get in 10 planes, set foot in 5 countries in 3 continents (I mean from this October to December). On the 30th of this month it will be a year since I joined here. I don't remember what I was doing on the 23th last year but I can say for sure, I was unhappy, desperate and at my lowest point. My problems are essentially the same as before. I'm still dying someday and I still don't have a certain, specific, absolutely clear life direction. And yet nothing looks the same. It's funny. And embarrasing to my former self. But mostly, it's encouraging. I quit games, I made some friends, I saw places, expanded my vision, and all of that considering I'm essentially the same person, it's astounding. Well, if anything, I am a moderately better version of myself. 

I get the impression that life is giving me quarter to prepare and enhance myself towards upcoming heavy challenges and struggle. My grandmother will pass away sooner than later. My mother will get older and I'll need to take care of things. Life will happen. It hasn't been happening in a progressive way up to now. So, as it usually happens, if nothing goes wrong for a long amount of time, if everything seems stagnant... then the moment something starts going wrong, everything will go wrong, like a tide. 

And you know what? I'm scared, obviously. Life is scary. But for the first time, I don't feel overwhelmed by it. Because by the time everything begins to change, fall, shift, renew... I will be ready. Because being ready doesn't require to have great means, or money or status... it just requires fierce resolve to adapt and survive, as long as you can, making the most of what you have. And even with my swinging mood and my melancholic nature, even if sometimes I'm not the funniest guy at the party, I will persevere. Somehow, anyhow. Against all odds. I don't know why. I just feel like it. Pride, perhaps.

But hey, here I am!

Aww, I don't want to be so carelessly happy. Planes crash when you leave happy notes behind. So don't get used to it, (my most dear) fuckers. I'll be back in January, and you'll be getting loads and loads of more spaniardness, coarse language and pedantic writing. In some way, I find the travel annoying, now that I was so convinced of taking back the violin. Luckily missing it will give me positive momentum to take it with all my enthusiasm when I'm back. Enthusiasm that will dissolve completely the next day but oh well. 

Edited by Hitaru

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Hola amigo!

I'm not gonna lash you for your negativity. You did it well. :)

Anyways, I think that you're on the good way.

Don't be afraid of plane crashes. They're less possible than car crash or any form of commuting crash. It's not a magic, it's just a statistics!

Can't wait to see you back in January with your memories from travel and obviously with your weapon of choice - hmmm... I mean violin! :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I'm back from London! Here are some insights and lessons learned:

1. Multiculturalism is a bitch. Or rather, it's not the thing people claim it to be. I didn't see many different cultures and races mixing together in harmony. I saw a lot of people only with different skin colours behaving the same way, which was essentially rushing everywhere, pushing people around and working soullessly. 

2. To our southern spaniard standards which may or may not be the norm, londoners on average have absolutely no chill. They behave indifferently at best. We were appalled by such unfriendliness but assumed it was due to an urban, modern lifestyle we were not familiar with. I fear it will be the same on every big city around the world. 

My town is a small, relatively unpopulated place with moderately low buildings and a majority of elders, were most everyday travel and meetings are done by foot or a few (mainly 2) bus lanes. Basically the complete opposite to London, where for starters there was almost no old people at all.

3. We experienced an awfully cold, humid weather for which we were completely unprepared and people in the streets or in menial jobs (foreigners mostly) were struggling and suffering to the point it was painful to see. 

Of course mix those three and you get an horrifying, mind-reeling experience. Living in a big city with no money, no studies, or coming from a poor country with no resources of your own or support from home is brutal. You might find it an exaggeration of an impressionable province boy, many of you grew up seeing this every day and it might not seem like a big deal. And yes, there are far worse things in this world, outside the rich, western sphere. I'm aware of it.

But those things (such as famine and tragedies) are still far outside my everyday reach and real, practical consideration. In this case, this is almost knocking on my door. I could perfectly be one of those immigrants working in London in terrible conditions, like many of my fellow countrymen of my same age. Suddenly I realised my place in the world and the extent of the walls of my glass castle. Shit, I need to study something and get money. And I need it real fast. The sooner the better. I correct: I WILL be one of those immigrants eventually. But I must not fall into the pit of the eternal cicle of temporal, low-paying, endless jobs. I must grab the future by whatever gonads it possess and tread into my life with a sure step. Taking risks, yes. But with confidence. 

That means studying some serious shit at some point. Or having a clear as day idea of what I want to do. I've never seen it so clearly. Bear with me guys, we're almost there.

To the day where Hitaru gets his shit together.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something funny happened. I was about to write a quite personal story about another finding I made, but  decided to purposely withhold the information and deliver it somewhere else. It has to do with my "super-duper-ultra-not-so-secret-project of personal development". A low profile is key for now, much to my dismay. I believe the lack of support of you guys in this particular topic will not disrupt my progress in other areas of my life, so everyone happy.

I will be travelling again quite soon, so probably my next post will be in January. For now, I'll be resting as much as I possibly can. That means some hours. Suddenly the travel doesn't seem so appealing, hah.

See ya!

Edited by Hitaru

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Travel has been one of the greatest gifts in my life to help open my perspective and understanding of the world. I'm so happy to see you experiencing it too - and yes, that includes the not-so-fun-to-see-stuff. :)

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Well, hi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(A gigapost should go here, uh. Anyway for now just the notice that I survived and I'll be around from now on again ^^)

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I'll probably do a chronicle of my travel when I get all the pictures since I'll probably add some for flavor. Or get shy in the last minute. I have to clean my phone and fix some performance issues, and update my Facebook profile. The third social task, check on my friends this holidays, is already done. Tomorrow begins normal life for the spanish people, and that means normal life for me as well. Nice to be here again!

What I can say right here and now is: I learned so much. It's not a cliché. I'm not a "new" person, just an enhanced me, and that feels even the better. They say all kinds of things about travels. In a way, they are true. But if you read travel blogs you'll see a lot of elaborate-flamboyant-pseudo-romantic language. Such an exaggeration. I might start my own blog, "The cynical traveler", hah. How does it sound?

But really, I can't thank it enough. Thank my mother's life decisions so I could have money to go, thank this community for your endless support, even if I don't usually support back due my inability to schedule, something I've been truly reflecting on during my time away and wish to improve (wishing is not enough!). 

Of course thank myself for ultimately taking the leap (considering how worried I was this is no joke, trust me). Thank life, in general, for this opportunity. From all the people in the world I could share this experience, I think you guys are among the very best. I'm glad to be alive, writing these lines.

Speaking about writing, one of my top items in my priority list is write some stuffity stuff for Cam. Now that I'll be having more time alone it's time to start working on it. I also need to take back my normal life from before my travel, something that right now feels overwhelming. But to me everything feels overwhelming by default so I will handle it somehow ;). The last six months were amazing, but I made many little mistakes that ultimately create a big problem. Now I know, and you know as well, that I can be something else, something better. So from now on no more excuses will be allowed. I can. If I don't, it's because I don't want. So now it's the time to crush all those petty reasons that hold me back. 

 

My word for this year 2017 will be: Definition. 

 

1. "Who am I?" was a question I wasn't able to face a year ago. Now I have a slight idea deep down, showing its little head up my subconscious. By the end of this year I have to grab it by the neck, take it out from the metaphorical ground or shadow and put it on clear display, not so much for everyone else but mainly for me as well. I can't keep doubting my choices. "Never regret" is my motto. That means doing things I find extremely uncomfortable, scary, difficult, risky in one way or another; everything for the sake of getting it done, of having the first-hand experience, of looking back with pride, and, redundantly, never, ever regret. A mistake that comes from a conscious choice, is a mistake well done. 

2. What are the things I need to do to improve myself? I know them already, I've discussed them plenty of times. Now it's time to take action. Whenever I feel something must be done, it must be done. Definition. Find the way, go through.

3. No more beating around the bush. I'll try my best to discuss things only once. Adress a problem, find solutions, try them, fail, go back to previous assessment but never start the whole thing anew, that's just procrastination. 

I made a list of things to do asap, just to begin, and to be honest I'm stressed out. Some of them should have been done long time ago. Others are silly in nature, so silly that I procrastinate them and make me feel uncomfortable which adds to my stress and the likelihood of procrastinating bigger, more important tasks. This is going to be hard as fuck. It never stoped being. Nevermind.

163 DAYS WITHOUT GAMES.

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@Tatu92 @Cam Adair @WorkInProgress Thanks! 

Today I woke up way too late to avoid doing what I must, but I was able to say a big, friendly "Fuck you" to myself and get some things done. Schedule important appointments I was putting aside for years and shave my adventurer's beard. Now I feel clean and ready. Things ("events" let's say) will slowly happen in the following days, so next step is get a steady daily life. I also joined for that Unconventional Life Summit thing and I must say, despite my prejudice against successful, focused people, curiosity won over spaniardness cynicism.

Remember, spanish people is noteworthy for our defeatism, envy and disrespect for other people's success, so regardless of what I might or might not learn in that summit, going against my very nature feels like quite the achievement...!

I'm really considering again some kind of political activism. I believe the concept of nation-states as we knew it in the 19th and 20th centuries is obsolete and will be revised in the future, but there must be something I can do to improve the life of my fellow compatriots. Not just their lifes but their... attitudes. Defeatism and pessimism are diseases conveniently exploited to keep things as they "have always been". We live in the age of the post-truth. We've been never so aware of the "death of God", the intrinsic loneliness of the self and the collapse of previous moral imperatives. The age of post-truth will only end with another truth, not a "granted" truth like religion, tradition or ideology, but a consciously chosen truth. We are dying one way or another. We must have some standards. People must learn this. Am I the one to teach them?

Edited by Hitaru

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A month ago, I applied for an EVS (European Voluntary Service) in Ireland. My job would be to help a youth theatre organization with their activities. For a year. In Ireland. Dude.

After some weeks they replied positively, I was interviewed on Skype and today, I received my answer.

In a very long letter full of mannerism, compliments and suggestions of other related activities and projects, they kindly refused my services. 

It's strange. I was never refused in anything work-related before. And yet, as some people in Discord know, I had my more than fair share of doubts on my performance during the interview. From the deconstruction of the compliments I received (which I honestly thank btw), the fact remains there: Despite my oh so charming personality and good disposition, I was not convincing enough. I was not ready enough.

It would be a pointless brag or just a lie to say I'm not disappointed. Well, actually I'm kind of fucked since I didn't prepare a Plan B (I have something floating around in my head but nothing specific). The worst case scenario has happened, and I must confront the unpleasant truth I don't really have a set of convincing hard skills to put myself out there, and my more developed soft skills that could even the score are severely hindered by my lack of confidence and moral relativism

---

- What makes you "fitting" for a position? What makes you "better" than someone else for a job, (or a relationship, a scholarship, etc)? 

Of course I don't know the answer, no one knows. There are millions of people better suited to do whatever I put my sights on. Not just me, everyone faces the same context. You know I hate the concept of "faith", of displaying a confidence in the veracity or suitability of something "just because"; that includes myself. To write some philosophy, it's a legit stance. To find a job and achieve goals, it's simply bullshit.

I must learn to develop that unwavering confidence that I'm better suited (suited enough at least) than every possible competitor I'd come across, and support that believe with facts. Both sides of the same coin. I need both in the same degree. 

---

I am a talented person. Everyone says that. I never tried seriously. If I tried and found out I'm not so talented, I'd actually feel relieved of not having a great responsibility that comes with a great power, you know. My biggest problem then is confidence. With confidence, I'll go anywhere. Or no, but I won't feel guilty about it. Confidence it is. 

So, I'm determined. I'll focus on attaining that confidence, all my actions will be related to that goal.

- My first definition goal: Self-awareness. 

Edited by Hitaru

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