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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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In Russian, I only know "Moscow" and I think it is awesome!

Which Moscow? The one by Dschinghis Khan, the one by Rammstein, the military march "Defenders of Moscow" or the folk song "Moscow Nights"? :P

By the way, today is the day and coincidentally I think I'm settling for singing Moscow Nights. Or perhaps some second rate impersonation of Patti Smith? Man, in the end I won't be singing anything, I can feel it. 

I can relate to the situation with your mother, and I think I understand your frustration. It's absolutely obnoxious when someone takes you entirely for granted. When someone regards you as a side character in the movie of their life, when someone thinks the universe revolves around themselves only. 

I think your actions serve as an appropriate answer to her; she needs to understand that your time is valuable, and that you exist for your own, not her, purpose.

Not trying to sound like a "know-it-all", just offering my opinion. Hope you figure out a solution, or atleast that you won't let the situation drag you down.

Yeah and not only that, it's absolutely obnoxious when someone acts towards you according to the self-image they have of you (and what you should be) and not simple observation of facts. But if she feels too old to even try to paint (one of her dreams of youth), I can't conceive how impossible must feel to her to try to do or think things differently. That is sad and a waste of humanity. Humans weren't born to give up.

Those people who consider life wrapped up and done by the 40s-50s really piss me off. They're like an invitation to suicide since, well, it's not like life is getting any better but increasingly worse. Like they are here because they have no other choice but they rather not be. And in that context of unwanted drama, I'm just another burden she can't shake off and has to suffer. Well fuck you I'm nobody's burden. And on top of that is that underlying believe that I won't be able to do anything worthy, that I'll just leech and fuck around stuck at home for the rest of my miserable life. She's poisoning her environment with her negativity. Or rather, she's poisoning me, since grandma literally doesn't know in which year she lives and she's a completely different person outside. Not a better one, she just acts bubbly and air-headed as if life wasn't about her.

And then there go the unreasonable requests with no prior agreement or the assumptions that I'm not studying anything at all. She knows the difference, because there was a time were I wasn't studying anything and was playing instead. That's unfair, hypocritical and disrespectful to me, the three things I hate the most. But she won't stop staring at her own navel, as we say in spanish. It's not like I don't stare at my own navel too, but if I can do it without fucking with anyone, so can her.

Look, I know she loves me, even if her only reason to do it was because she feels obligated and not by personal sympathy towards me. She's just probably dumb. Probably.

I still can't get up early and seize the morning, I still don't eat healthy, I still don't do exercise. My life simply can't go on without those three things. If I fix those three things and still feel empty I'll have to greatly consider my next course of action.

What's one actionable step for each? Can you try waking up 30 mins earlier than normal? Or going to sleep earlier? What's one meal you can replace with a healthier option? Can you go for a walk each morning? Do 10 push-ups? Keep experimenting.

Folks here reported that small but constant exercise routines were really helpful to them (eg. doing pushups when they are at home and cross a door.), I could try that. About food is gonna be difficult now. And about sleep, sure, I can try to both wake up and go to bed earlier, then take a shower and be ready to seize the day before these motherfuckers (the workers) show up. I'm dying here otherwise.

Edited by Hitaru

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@Hitaru What you're saying is pretty much the opposite of the politically correct, positive attitude, where you're supposed to constantly try to forgive and see the good in people. Yet I can't do anything but agree with you. 

When you've been trying so hard to change yourself, to improve, to become better. When you are painfully aware of the shameful state you were in before, and they still refuse to update their image of you, they keep you in their neatly arranged category where they placed you in the past. They keep referring to your mistakes, your weaknesses, despite knowing that it hurts you, despite knowing that those flaws aren't even actual anymore.

It can really bring you down, or make you furious, depending on yor personality. Maybe both. I usually got angry, just as you seem to be now. I don't know if there's any solution to the problem, except packing your belongs, saying good riddance and running as far away as you possible can (and that might not be an option for you.)

For a big part of my later years I walked around being angry at everyone, especially my close ones, and this is so so draining. I really hope you do figure something out. Maybe your mom isn't as narrowminded as she might be percieved, maybe she'll realize you have changed (it may sound naive, but I'm just trying to bring some positivity into this depressing post, lol). 

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@Simon E

>depressing post

Oh, boy, check the first entries xD No, seriously, THAT was some depressing shit. I'm so glad I left it behind. 

Actually, your post is related to what I'm about to write now. Specifically this part:

What you're saying is pretty much the opposite of the politically correct, positive attitude, where you're supposed to constantly try to forgive and see the good in people.

-----

A friend I've been having some disagreements with lately has just ROASTED me. HARD.

It's hard to tell the whole conversation. Just know that I trust this person's judgement. 

Or at least I think I did, because to her I don't trust anyone. To her I only have two modes: the people below me that I underestimate and boss around and the people above me to whom I bow my head in fear, submission or at least acknowledgment. Basically I'm an arrogant piece of shit, incapable or unwilling to express affection towards others, only preoccupied in being ahead on an intellectual level, basically stomping my uncaring way through other people's feelings. To her, she belongs to the first group in a way that I consider her worthy to be talked to but not enough to consider her my equal so I try to intellectually put her down at the first chance.

And that's the only reason I'm still alive. I have no goals, no drive, no emotions, I just have my stupid and empty ego since I don't have anything in my life to be proud at. And lately my force of will, with all the videogame detox and that. 

I'm an "asshole, a repugnant toxic person who spends his day being the victim to attract attention and feel special and entitled, or boasting my intelligence and belittling others." For the same reasons I assume.

Oh, and sometimes I'm funny, that's the only way I help humanity without pissing on them. Sometimes. 

-----

Damn.

And yet, while she was telling me all this, it felt right. Not just true but right. I've always been like what she describes. Now, a year ago, 6 years ago, when I was a child, always. 

And I feel PROUD of that. I'm not sure why, but I am. So I don't feel the need to change yet. And since I've being like this all my life, it's not like it's a temporary behavior that serves a response of a specific situation. My situation was very different six years ago and I was like that too. Or maybe it was essentially the same thing...?

I am a different person than 6 years ago, or 10. But in the end, this way of thinking... no, this way of feeling. These are my feelings, the way I cope with things emotionally. I've changed how I think, even from a year to the present time. But the way I feel has remained exactly the same. This way of feeling has been pulling me down.

I've talked about this person before and her opinion of me. But now I really UNDERSTOOD. Perhaps because she told me in very simple terms this time. The question is: was this way of feeling the problem, or was my ignorance of it? I've thrown this question before too. Am I some kind of hero or villain? Now I know: neither. I'm just a cynic who will not stop to consider anyone's petty heart in order to achieve his goals... considering I stop self-pitying myself long enough to develop any kind of goal.

But if that's so, why my interest in Game Quitters? Is it a quest for glory and recognition? Patronizing? A self-interest in my recovery (translating as a hobby) that developed, ironically, into a quest for glory and recognition? It's a possibility. 

I don't know the reason of why I behave or feel this way. What I can do to be the less toxic person possible to everyone is stick strictly to facts. I don't give a fuck if I do things to feel superior. That's something I'll have to deal and solve by myself. But I have to do things. As far as you are concerned, I'll try to be always there for you. I'll try to pity myself the least possible. And, uhm, not boast or condescend too.

What I ask you is to please give my opinion the value it has, no more no less. Since I perhaps tend to... inflate it. And don't take me personal, since on my part I (almost) never take things personally. For whatever inner motive.

If I had to tell, I feel I consider everyone of you as equals, not sure if it's because I relate to you with the videogame problem and therefore are "like me" or because I respect your efforts to recover and thrive. A mix of the two probably.

-----

Leaving that aside today is day 75. I've been feeling hard cravings and emptiness lately. The last two days had been "as they were before", hiding in the couch and not going anywhere but I consider it normal since my routine has been broken and I'm still looking for meaning and purpose in a most basic level. That means a long-term goal. But I will find it. I swear I will. After all it's me who we're talking about, huh. Also I've been eating better.

I'll be traveling on Friday. When I return, 3 more days and the detox will be over. It's been a long journey, but it's almost done now. At least as far as the Detox is concerned. Will it feel as a goal accomplished? As a normal day? As a turning point in my life? Let's reach it and figure it out.

Edited by Hitaru

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Wait, am I @Marquess or @hycniejsy now with the punchlines? xD

I'm leaving in some hours. My first travel abroad. By my own. Yes, positively panicked. Who would have told a year ago? I should not expect anything but I can't help but feel thrilled. The ambient in my home however is... well. Homey. In it's own sense. Looks like I'm departing for war or something similar. Drama runs in the family. 

It's not like I'm not worried. But I see advantages they don't. Traveling will clear my head off the worst of home (detox from home heh). Way to end the detox man, now that I mention it. A year ago, I was clicking things on a screen, fantasizing about how would be like to visit the city of cities, the Sublime Porte... wow. It would be easy to say it has nothing to do with the detox since it was completely coincidental and thanks to a friend. But that would be fooling myself; it took me a great deal of willpower and bravery to accept as I was, my former self wouldn't have even consider it. 

No more anticipation! I'm just gonna finish the final preparations and there we go! 

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I'm back!!!

 

I can't begin to express how life-changing my travel was. I'm struggling with the words. I was happy. Found my place among the group. Had great experiences. Made friends. Insert ultimate normie experience. I ate normally and consistently, and tried many different dishes I would have never dared back home under my mother's judging gaze. I even smiled naturally in the photos. Who would have thought?

 

Extracts from my travel diary: 

 

- No more migraines during travel. Stomach ache is still present but not persistent. Digestion still a problem but much less burning pain. Lots of back pain since I'm readjusting my posture. Existentialism within reasonable, bearable levels.

So, another kind of life is possible. A healthier life.

-----

- I now know why I must keep going forward. 

The short answer is I have no other option. I now realize that's negative thinking. It's a passive mindset in which you're a receiver, a consumer of events, instead of an initiator. 

You can actually pursue this mindset, it's main advantage lies in being an effective coping mechanism for when you're feeling (or actually are) hopeless. For people with an "established" life, hopelessness turns into a sense of duty towards work, family, country or ideology. For people like me being alive is enough motivator (considering the alternative). The only way to cope with life is keep living. 

But the important thing is, there is a difference between conclusion and result. I always believed and justified in my mind these two concepts were basically the same thing. That belief thoroughly fucked up my life.

They are not the same thing. 

A conclusion is a boundary that draws the line between the end of an event and the beginning of the next one. The conclusion of my life is that I die. 

But that's not the result. The result of me being born was related to my parents (not too good, to be honest) decisions. Conclusively, I was born and I'm here. 

The result of my whole life could be nothing at all. Pretty much as it is now, with the exception of some pages of Respawn in spanish being done and probably, some very  well-timed advices given to people I met during my existence. But that's not all.

The result of my actions is consequences. An action is a perceptible expression of my will, my mind, my feelings, my identity. The consequences of my actions change the world. Because no matter how insignificant the difference, the world I know would not be the same without me. The world would not be 100% complete without us. 

And we can leave a 120%. The result of our life and our decisions during it can make a significant change in the lifes of others. And they literally mean the world for us. Our own personal world. [Side Note: I might just be drunk of social interaction.]

-----

- Ephemereal tribulations. Ridiculous projects and loads of socialising. Brief lines. Busy. Happy. 

-  No matter how much I fear them, some things will ultimately happen. How will I afront them? That's freedom. Many options, same conclusion. Creative liberty.

- Feeling "like myself". Tired. Repressed. Checked-out. Uncaring. I recognise these feelings as foreign and so I must fight them. 

- 150km/hour in Istambul taxi, driftin like pros wtf. Dude looked like middle-aged Mario and God knows how legit it is since motherfucker drives as he caught a shiny star or some shet.

- CIRCULAR STAIRS, YELLOW SOUP (Çorba) AND ATATURK. WELCOME TO TURKEY. 

- Drinking wine, eating chocolate and watching Looney Toons in Swiss Air planes. Bless those guys. (And Fuck you Ryanair!)

-----

I am happier than ever and feel grateful for this experience. I'm self-aware, motivated and with a much clearer purpose. I won't let my dull daily life and my toxic family to drain my energy again. 25 hours left until 90 days, so this troubled journal is coming to an end. My next adventure is about to begin. I'm not ready for it. And I couldn't care less. 

My short-term goals are keep track of my English certificate and finish Respawn as a come back present for Cam. After that, I have a plan.

A BIG PLAN.

Also, I've been lurking the forum during my travel and found it unusually inactive. It's not a good time of the year with the beginning of school and university, but nonetheless I'm concerned. Oh, but those are staff confidential ramblings :ph34r:

Guys, I missed you. You are my tribe. I'm an idiot, but I think there's a chance for this idiot. Bear with me, "we can make career" of this one, as a spanish saying goes. I'm home again. 

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Welcome back! 

Your thoughts about actions changing the world are true, and it's a mighty realization to have. (If you've ever heard about chaos theory, you know what I'm talking about. Even if that theory isn't necessarily true, but hey - it's cool)

Also, nice to hear you've having "normal" experiences. If being happy requires being normal, would you sacrifice your identity as abnormal? Would you prefer being depressed and, therefore, unique? (I know, everyone's unique, blah blah, you know what I mean. Really unique.) I think there's a certain kind of beauty in sadness, anger - darkness overall. I personally do not agree with the notion that the purpose of life is to be constantly happy and at peace with everyone else. But I'm not sure. (Sorry for ranting on your journal >.>) 

It's awesome to see the way you've changed since before our travels aswell; it's crystal clear in the way you write. And you're so close to 90 days! #hype

I've been trying my best to spam the shit out of the forum, but I'm just one man (boy? Thing with a conscience?). 

Good to have you back in the tribe (idiots are welcome too :P )

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1. If being happy requires being normal, would you sacrifice your identity as abnormal?

2. Would you prefer being depressed and, therefore, unique?

3. I think there's a certain kind of beauty in sadness, anger - darkness overall.

4. I personally do not agree with the notion that the purpose of life is to be constantly happy and at peace with everyone else.

5. But I'm not sure. (Sorry for ranting on your journal >.>) 

6. I've been trying my best to spam the shit out of the forum, but I'm just one man (boy? Thing with a conscience?).

1. Absolutely NOT! There's no such thing as normal. You have to normalize your identity in your own terms. Each one is their own normal, not the normalcy of anyone else. It sounds easy to say now, but this has been one of the main conflicts of my life so far.

2. I'm unique and still can be depressed whenever I want, hah B|

3. I agree. Happy people don't write remarkable literature. Or at least people who never knew sadness. 

4. Sadness, anger, regret, those emotions are all within each of us. Everyone will experience them eventually. They just happen. But happiness and peace take an active disposition to occur, so I guess that's why people tend to focus more on them. 

5. Please do. It feels lonely with just me ranting :P

6. Good job son. We're proud of you [salute].

Epic post!

Aww you, you know how to make this ol' fellow flattered :x

-----

90 DAYS COMPLETE POST

-----

Back home I'm already reeling with the weight of old habits. I know what must be done. 

1. Clean my room. I must organize a personal headquarters/adventurer hub where to plan my next mischief.

2. Plan another travel! European Voluntary Service, Youth Exchanges, French Foreign Legion, whatever. Or just pack my things and go. A nomad quitter, how does that sound?

3. 8 o clock in the morning, Hitaru gets up, showers and goes for breakfast outside. This is an absolute must. Not negotiable. A day far from home (home means the couch) is a day well spent. 

I don't want to sound big-headed, but my english classes are going (boringly) well. So it's time to add a real challenge.

FINALLY, I'm going to get fit.

Well. That's easy to say. Actually I said it like a dozen times already. 

I want to play a game. Let's say I want to join the glorious spanish navy, let's have that delusion for a moment. If I want to do that, I need to get fit. Next year, I will apply. If I enter, I'll be busy the next two years, which is awesome. I'll learn to be independent and self-reliant. If I don't enter, well, I'll be fit, that's always a good thing. So. Starting tomorrow, the next adventure begins

Edited by Hitaru

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Step 1 complete. I organized all my stuff in 3 easy categories: Things I'm using, things I'm keeping/hoarding (probably using them someday) and memories (not to be used/taken out again in the near future unless nostalgia attack). The bad news is I'm still in the middle of the überform so there's a lot of dust which is pointless to clean because in some days it's gonna get dusty again when they start working on my room. If that ever happens any day. So maybe it's worth the hassle.

I'm drowning again noooooooooo. Please no, not the boring life again fuck. Maybe if I complain enough I'll start doing things right :ph34r:

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Step 1 complete. I organized all my stuff in 3 easy categories: Things I'm using, things I'm keeping/hoarding (probably using them someday) and memories (not to be used/taken out again in the near future unless nostalgia attack). The bad news is I'm still in the middle of the überform so there's a lot of dust which is pointless to clean because in some days it's gonna get dusty again when they start working on my room. If that ever happens any day. So maybe it's worth the hassle.

I'm drowning again noooooooooo. Please no, not the boring life again fuck. Maybe if I complain enough I'll start doing things right :ph34r:

Dude, you must stop planning, and start executing and taking actions!

That's how this life brutal is!

And go for it!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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@hycniejsy My favorite polish amigo, it's been a while!

Yes you're right, some months ago I would thought your view was a bit extreme but now I know better. Life can be pretty brutal if you let it. Don't worry though, I'm definitely going for it! Even if there are setbacks, especially those made by my own mind, but the tendence is falling into positive, objectively speaking. I don't know what the hell I just said but you catch my drift ;)

EDIT: Actually I think we've had this same exchange of words at least one time before, but it seems each time things are slightly better than the last, and that's the important thing.

Edited by Hitaru

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@hycniejsy My favorite polish amigo, it's been a while!

Yes you're right, some months ago I would thought your view was a bit extreme but now I know better. Life can be pretty brutal if you let it. Don't worry though, I'm definitely going for it! Even if there are setbacks, especially those made by my own mind, but the tendence is falling into positive, objectively speaking. I don't know what the hell I just said but you catch my drift ;)

EDIT: Actually I think we've had this same exchange of words at least one time before, but it seems each time things are slightly better than the last, and that's the important thing.

All right, can't wait to see your progress!

¡Puedes hacer la cosa!  :)

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Hitaru, you pulled me back, my friend. And you've come a long way, judging by the size of your journal. And you've inspired me to get back to work invmy own journey. Thanks for your kind email. ???? I'm going to start reading through your journal to see how you did it. Thanks again...

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Hitaru, you pulled me back, my friend. And you've come a long way, judging by the size of your journal. And you've inspired me to get back to work invmy own journey. Thanks for your kind email. ???? I'm going to start reading through your journal to see how you did it. Thanks again...

You're sincerely welcome. Well, my journal has not been developing with the optimistic mindset encouraged in this community, it has its highs, its lows and its bullshit. It might not be the inspiring experience you're probably expecting but you might find something interesting in all that pile of self-pity and doubt. I don't regret writing it tho, as I told you in the mail, it was a healing experience on its own. I'm looking forward to read your own experiences. ;)

An acquaintance proposed me the other day to go out yesterday night. When the moment arrived of course I was feeling numb (mentally/emotionally) like I always do at night, but somehow I managed to overcome it, take a quick shower and go out. We actually had a great time, finally met in person the only two friends I ever met on the internet, had some shots of good-tasting alcohol for a change, met other cool people (friends of friends) and chill time overall. It might look irrelevant but I feel very proud of myself. I would not have been able to answer a social call like that not even a month ago. That travel might have changed me to unforeseeable extents.

About that I'm in a frenzy to find the next one. I'm considering and juggling with several options, struggling with technology and trying to appear as a young empowered open-minded entrepreneur/adventurer despite my lack of formal education. It's working to some extent so I can't complain. I can't wait to bring you some good news again. 

Still procrastinating exercise, but I'm eating better than before leaving. I'm weak, but healthy. Not a justification, just the fact.

Edited by Hitaru

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Hitaru, you pulled me back, my friend. And you've come a long way, judging by the size of your journal. And you've inspired me to get back to work invmy own journey. Thanks for your kind email. ???? I'm going to start reading through your journal to see how you did it. Thanks again...

You're sincerely welcome. Well, my journal has not been developing with the optimistic mindset encouraged in this community, it has its highs, its lows and its bullshit.

This is why I really like to read it. :)

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I had an interview with the representative of an organization for a project. Thank goodness he was only slightly older than me, if he was a middle-aged man I would have fainted when he asked me the dreadful "What do you do?". What could I have said? Tell him my story with videogames? Please. To the rest of the world, I'm just an uneducated man. For whatever reason. The interview went well, but my ego is chafing.

If things go well, I will be on the move again in 12 days. This time, 6 weeks! Also an ecology project. Just the coincidence. I'd like to go to other kinds of projects, community building, fight against poverty, things like that. But after this, I'll have to tone down my traveling. I'm gonna have to use family finances to go to this one (the first was almost completely free) and that's not the way I want to do it. I might have to start working. Gasp, adult world. 

Edited by Hitaru

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14 weeks without games. Today I can confirm: In less than two weeks I'm traveling again, this time for a whole month and a half. I'm absolutely euphoric...

... or at least I should be. My mother is behaving insufferably. She staunchly believes I'm going to get killed. I'm almost wishing she would make a move and prevent me from going; that would give me the perfect pretext to claim bullshit and leave her for good. 

On top of that, my grandma's condition is worsening and my cat dissapeared/ignored me this morning. I know I shouldn't make decisions based on my mood, but screw today, I'm feeling terrible. I'm still going to English class though. Well, at least I plan to, now I probably jinxed it. 

far-from-men.thumb.jpg.3a961d53b6e420114

Pic related, according to some.

Edited by Hitaru

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