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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Well if we look at the most optimistic estimate, today is a month without games. However don't hype yet little me, from now on I'm going to use the date of my Steam expurgation as Day 0. It's a relevant one, full of meaning. Remember the day, 28 of July.

So, less than a week for the month! My emotions oscillate between "Yay!" and "Fucking finally". Almost a year here, no less. 9 months of failure for 3 months of success. That makes a 3 to 1 proportion. Yep, sounds totally like me.

Time is flying and this is no joke. This week, what the hell I've been doing? Procrastinating in the couch a lot, that's what I've been doing. I can't wait for September to arrive and start filling my time with endless courses, but that doesn't mean I can just ignore the still going summer. It's the thousanth time I say this but I need a consistent schedule! There's no swearing to express the frustration at myself for being unable to cope with this theoretically simple, yet hard to implement step. A step at a time, yeah, but come on, it feels I'm stepping on Venus here. 

Well, at least I can give me some praise in having reduced my whatsapp consumption. It's also true that this was mainly because having lost my best friend recently, and other friends being busy, away or depressed. Petty details.

I've procrastinated away another hour, so I'll cut short here, do some stuff and return later. Ideally.

Edited by Hitaru

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Boy, didn't I seize the day yesterday. 

 

In the morning I had an incident when I mistakenly thought an old lady couldn't afford her shopping and tried to perform charity. Serves me well for going to low quality supermarkets for the thrill of feeling a college student again and the romantic, bohemian conception of being around the unfortunate. I'm a sheltered asshole at heart and karma made justice at my bourgeois side. I'm trying to bring humor to the situation but I really felt like an asshole. I'll learn a lot from that. 

At the evening I was supposed to go to drawing class but teacher moved it to today. There was a film casting for extras in a nearby town and I took it as the work of providence. A very long story full of andalusian context (and subtext) and comedy ensued. In a nutshell, I made it to the place, against all odds and the help of an enthusiastic, tipically southern old lady, I was able to sneak inside the building, meet the person in charge and give him my contact info. The situation was so absurd and over the top I wouldn't be surprised if he got rid of me the moment we parted ways, but at least I returned home with the feeling of a job done. 

Now I have a characteristic nausea because of social hangover (I kinda made an impromptu show, to say something, in front of dozens of people, absurd I tell you) that was crippling last night, but is slowly receding. It will take days until it goes away. I should rename this journal as "Mad Actor's Adventures" or something, but I don't want to step in the turf of my polish amigoxD Overall, I've never been so ashamed in my entire life. But hey! I didn't spend the day in the couch, and that's ALWAYS a victory.

The only thing that annoys me, aside from the possibility of forging an ill reputation among casting makers, is that this sudden burst of... whatever the hell was yesterday, goes completely against my policy of consistent, slow changes and routines to make a better me ingrained in my "daily" brain and heart. This kind of adventures, like the one I lived years ago that saw me inside the theatre school, are all fun and good, but I don't want to aim for the stars and crash spectacularly again. Specially NOT when such spectacular moves are sparked by almost clinically crazy whims. 

Unrelated, but still worth mentioning, I purchased a mechanical pencil and testing it was a so pleasant experience, my interest in drawing has doubled. I sincerely hope that interest doesn't die at the end of this sentence. Still there I believe.

My stomach has been really delicate since last month. Almost anything I put inside my body gets eventually expelled in an expected but painful manner. I feel burning inside most of the day. Perhaps I should see a doctor but I'll try taking things easy first. Dealing with my background anxiety and fear of time and death without turning into a screaming, sobbing mess (or relapsing) takes most of my willpower, but I'm taking for granted it will decrease. If it doesn't I'll be in BIG trouble, specially when I get older, but now is certainly not the time to be thinking about that. There was some pesky gaming addiction that needed my attention, if I remember correctly...

Edited by Hitaru

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Still check your doctor as soon as you are ready for it. Most likely it isn't anything dramatic and can be cured easily if treated fast enough. Why most likely? Because for every cancer Patient there are like 1o00 People with irratable colon.

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Always enjoy your posts. Want to write the content for GQ in English too? You're a better writer than I. xD

Normally I'd say "Aw, you don't mean that!" but you know, screw modesty, I'd love to write for you anytime. I had already planned to start studying English seriously for my B degree, or ideally a C*, so I could do some stuff and have you around in case I mess up. Great practice.

Actually, I also need help with the speaking, is by far my Achilles' heel. Understanding americans to speak like british (and then celebrating like aussies), that's true English skill! Do we have a thread of language exchanges? Like, chat meetups where we can talk but not necessarily see each other (people concerned with their privacy and the like).

*I'm talking about the Common European Framework of Reference for Languages (CEFR), and the certificates issued by Cambridge. 

Still check your doctor as soon as you are ready for it. Most likely it isn't anything dramatic and can be cured easily if treated fast enough. Why most likely? Because for every cancer Patient there are like 1o00 People with irratable colon.

Yes I was thinking about irritable colon at worst. If it's something like that I guess I'll need to keep my nutrition in tight check. That would be both a good and bad thing.

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Day 29. 

Starting today I'm sailing uncharted waters, each hour from now on will be a new personal record. That's the good, hell, great, part.

The not so good part is I've struck a stonewall. Given that I'm about to reach the first month, which is also the third part of the detox (that sounds big), I want, I decide to address this problem right away, set a frontier and start the second month with an improved mindset and new objectives.

 

 

This is Captain Taru's monthly report!

 

Overview:

Up to now, I've been surviving. I've been resisting the urge to play, the urge to collapse, the urge to spend the whole night awake and the whole day in bed. This by itself is a huge improvement over my previous situation. I can only remember how I was about a year ago and beyond, and I'd need a special kind of self-loathe, or a special kind of stupid to be unable to tell the difference. So this month has been a victory

 

ura_by_blackboltlonewolf-d7i6krq.thumb.p

Kawaii communism courtesy of this guy I don't know: http://blackboltlonewolf.deviantart.com/art/Soviet-chan-s-Medal-of-Great-Performance-453803174

However, I feel I've reached the ceiling. Up to now I've been depending merely on my scarce willpower. I "only" spend the mornings in bed. I still fap. I still eat poorly, but at least I don't skip meals so much. Here's a breakdown of my goals and my progress on them:

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Routine:
Average wake up hour (busy day): 9:00
Average wake up hour (unscheduled day): 14:00
Average bed hour: 2:00
Average socialization: 3 times/week
Average TV: 4 hours
Average WhatsApp: 3 hours
Average Procrastination: 6-8 hours

Daily exercise: none
Daily meditation: none
Daily practice (acting): none
Daily practice (drawing): none
Daily practice (writing): none
Daily practice (music): none

Goals:
- Driving license: pending
- Languages: pending
- Drawing class assistance: 100%
- Acting group assistance: 3%

Stats:
- Health: 70% / Previous estimate 40%
- Appearance: 65% / Previous estimate 30%
- Charisma: 50% / Previous estimate 25%
- Confidence: 75% / Previous estimate 20%

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Being able to sleep the whole night (or at least consistently try), being sorta confident, happy and gregarious is a very good foundation. I'm proud of that. But it's not enough.

Many goals being overdue. Good news is September is about to start, classes will begin, general business will ensue. But I should really not depend on circumstantial occupation. I'll bury my nose in Challenge looking for answers. There are some things I have to sort out. For example, that acting group I don't actually want to get involved with. 

 

But I also discovered I made some beginner mistakes I can't ignore. 

 

I don't really know why I want to quit. 

 

I know I want to quit. There are things I'd love to try, and games are in the way. But the feeling of a new chapter in my life is not really there. It feels more like an state of emergency being prolongued sine die. I'm going to sort this issue right now and update in some hours. 

------------------------------------------

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Update: I hijacked @sjoti's planning idea. I went and purchased a whiteboard and post-its. It was something I had already in mind back when I was planning the future with my game developer friend, I'm really glad and proud I actually did it by myself. The economic investment was less than expected, that's also a point. Thank you @sjoti, you rock!

Things are about to change around here. This new schedule shall be the final weapon to turn me into the ultimate ubermensch.

Or at least helping me getting shit done, that would be neat too!

Today was a day to lay back and self-indulge in my most recent achievement. Shared a lunch with a friend, went to buy the stuff, doted on my cat, soon a shower and go out again. Simpler things of life. There are some unfinished poems that need my attention and that's the only thing ruining my mood right now. Of course I'm "a bit unfeeling" even if "great writer", teacher! It's kinda hard to write about something you don't really know about. That's the challenge though!

Oh. And the drawings, too.

-------------------------------------

Time to get serious. This is the second part of my report

"Why do you play videogames, Hitaru?"

To escape. That would be a good summary. Let's analyze the kind of games I play. Grand strategy and simulation; from leading empires to being a sad communist state employee. Management games where I have the last word in everything without having to deal with opposing views, inefficient "minions" (necessary subordinates or teammates) or rivals. God complex perhaps? Games where I had a mission, a purpose, a precise way to fulfill it and be rewarded and praised for it (by the game itself and my own standards), the chance to create something, something big and important, even if it was getting the spaceship to survive for another ftl jump. Weirdly, the social aspect of gaming was completely ignored in my case. It was a completely introspective activity. Perhaps I don't need human contact that much? In games I was free, I was important, I was dependable, "people" needed and put their hopes in me. Maybe I craved that kind of power and responsibility.

And if things went badly, I could always restart. I was endless.

 

"Why do you want to quit, then?"

Why, because I'm fooling myself of course! I'm not eternal, woe is me. I still can be important if I desire it so much. It's not exactly the same than in a simulation, but what else can I do? I'd like to drop this "Nothing can be done" mindset, or at least stop looking at it under a negative light. After all, nothing can be done to stop nature, but why should that be a bad thing? Why should I be spared from the tides of time, what makes me so important? Nothing, that's it.

Even if I can't be an equal among gods, I could still try to be a king among men. It's not like I have much else to do. It's ironic, I advocate for everyone to do whatever they like with their life but still I'm a freak control in the sense I can't cope with the thought of life going on without me. There's a raging conflict going on inside me, and if you're familiar with this journal, you already know:

- Should I actively look for achievement and glory, even if in my heart I know it's pointless?
- Should I abandon common standards to lead a humble life and risk dealing with the thought of "What would have happened" much later on?
- Should I try to balance both stances, and if so, how?

That's my journey. I don't like it. I didn't ask for it. I'm not excited about it. But it's mine. It chose me. I'll take the challenge, out of pure and unadulterated human arrogance. I'll take it and best it. Games are in the way, so, regretfully, they have to go.

I sincerely hope to stop being a reluctant hero stereotype along the long way. I hope to learn to love life for what it is and not for what I expect. To enjoy the company and the simpler pleasures. To greet death with a sated smile. For that, games are also in the way.

So they have to go!

-------------------------------------

That ends the first part of my Respawn. How am I feeling? Why, I'm always feeling kinda awful, you already know, but that's unimportant. If I really have to write them down; anxious, depressed, terrified, an uncertain dread, an imminent catastrophe. Meh, the usual. As I said, nothing important! Also curious. I want to see this through the end despite everything. Human nature too I guess. 

The third part, a schedule! I already took care of that, as I said at the beginning, and I'm ready to take action starting tomorrow. Remember when I said I'd spend my summer half-assedly? I was right, but I don't feel bad about it. It was a time of great reflection and direction, and I expect great things of the next month. 

Weather is clear and the mood is bright, time to go forward.

Edited by Hitaru

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First of all, you're welcome :)

Second, I'm going to steal something from you. I'll be taking the idea of sharing a routine or at least share information in a similar fashion.

To get to the third and last point, I really liked what you wrote down, especially at the end. You've matured mentally this summer, and the actions from this point on are going to be the result of that. I wish you good luck. Go and be a king!

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Even if I can't be an equal among gods, I could still try to be a king among men. It's not like I have much else to do. It's ironic, I advocate for everyone to do whatever they like with their life but still I'm a freak control in the sense I can't cope with the thought of life going on without me. There's a raging conflict going on inside me, and if you're familiar with this journal, you already know:

- Should I actively look for achievement and glory, even if in my heart I know it's pointless?
- Should I abandon common standards to lead a humble life and risk dealing with the thought of "What would have happened" much later on?
- Should I try to balance both stances, and if so, how?

This is the exact same shit I'm currently dealing with. You are not alone.

Oh, and we're both captains btw :D

Edited by JSmith

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- Should I actively look for achievement and glory, even if in my heart I know it's pointless?
- Should I abandon common standards to lead a humble life and risk dealing with the thought of "What would have happened" much later on?
- Should I try to balance both stances, and if so, how?

Care to elaborate what do these things mean in concrete terms? I mean for you personally. What are we even talking about.

 

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Very quick note: Time has stopped since my report. Good thing: I avoided a relapse. Bad thing: I did almost nothing else. Recovery is there, I'm at the very doorstep, I can feel it. I just have to jump headfirst. Not my forte. My social life is unsteady but healthy, and that's something to celebrate. I've been avoiding life in almost every aspect by sleeping a lot and staring at the ceiling, but I keep trying. I don't exactly want summer to end (who would think I'd say that ever) but the ball must start rolling. 

For the next two weeks I have nothing urgent to do, so I'll try to take one day at a time at the most basic level and begin to build momentum:

- Goal 1: Wake up/Go to bed
- Goal 2: 3 meals a day
- Goal 3: One shower a day
- Goal 4: One hour outside a day
- Goal 5: Implement first daily activity

That will be all for now. I may take the whole two weeks to achieve that. Ideally I should do it in one. Probably I won't even in two. Let's try and see.

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First update: 

I've realized I've been cheating on my sleeping schedules thanks to my mother's laptop. I have no option but to block it too, while still allowing access to her. She won't like me tinkering with her things in any way, so I'll perfom a "fait accompli policy". I think I'll limit to block it during late night hours, and perhaps convince her to block it on the mornings too. I feel like a fucking moron. I simply can't be around any computer. What I'm gonna do, block whole buildings? Force everyone to adjust their lives to my own weaknesses? Fuck that, man. 

- Can't you just avoid it and go outside?

+ No. If there's a single thing at home that will allow me to procrastinate, I'll cling to it, no matter what. I have to bring myself to a state of desperate boredom. I'm absolutely determined on this; I'll burn my house to the fucking ground if it comes to that.

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@sjoti, @JSmith, thank you for your kind words and your support.

 This is the exact same shit I'm currently dealing with. You are not alone.

Oh, and we're both captains btw :D

Must be a captains thing xD

Care to elaborate what do these things mean in concrete terms? I mean for you personally. What are we even talking about.

If I ever reach a consensus within myself of which specific things they are, you'll be first to know. I usually tend to compare extremes. president of Europe or beach peddler in some exotic place? Worldwide influential speaker or laid-back low-key writer? Spain's next star in performing arts or contented family man? You get the idea.

@hycniejsy, @Reno F, @JSmith thanks for the wishes! And @Cam Adair thanks for the main page mention, it was lovely and scandalously indiscreet :P

Cumpleaños felíz José! B|

Como estas? :)

Bienvenidos, Mad Pharmacist

Erm... Niezła próba. -_-

[If you don't find it arrogant, here's the (most technically correct) correction: ¡Feliz cumpleaños, José! - ¿Cómo estás? - Saludos, Farmacéutico Loco (:D)] (I think in your language you did the same as confusing "Pozdrowienia" with "Powitanie". Or maybe they do are the same thing and there was the confusion? )

So glad to hear from you btw! My Skype went to shit, I've been missing you a lot. I'd love to hear about your progress in length someday, you journal is cool (dat font size) but kinda leaves with the intrigue! 

Mam nadzieję że masz się dobrze. Is that correct? Un abrazo amigo.

-----------------------------------------

Sleep back on track. Time to do shit. Of course, I'm terrified. 

Also I think I'm gonna look for a "breakfast partner", to have an excuse to leave home early in the morning. Things go much smoother that way. Or more correctly, they simply go. 

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The "breakfast partner" idea was a success, I partnered with a friend who's trying to study to get a place in civil service. Between you and me, his chances are... rather dim. But the guy's motivated, and I'm nobody to mess with him. Trying and failing is ten thousand times better than giving up. Even if drama will ensue afterwards. He's doing everything to woo a girl. Tsk. Girls. 

@JSmith Hmm someone hasn't read the FAQ, bad, bad...! ;)

Yesterday was lazy, but I managed to do an incredibly tedious one-shot task that I now present to you: I set up the basic workings of the Spanish Translation Team! Current members... erm. Just me. But better safe than sorry right? By all means, check it out! And if you know spanish or someone who knows spanish and is interested in helping, please refer them to the translation sub-forum. 

Gotta hit the road now. Have a good day people! 

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Friends came and went but my currently favorite cafeteria remained. That's great news. It means it's becoming part of my identity, being able to keep going forward and resist negative feedback from external sources. I still need a lot of support from physical friends; if I wasn't able to convince at least one person to go outside and study or do whatever I wouldn't be able to get out of my house in the mornings, and then most probably I wouldn't go out in the evenings as well. I'm still at a hair's breadth of cloistering again, so let's not claim victory yet. 

I'm back again with the translations and I must say, I'm absolutely excited. Exhilarated, even. Getting-up-and-dance euphoric. It fills me with purpose (and fantasies of some kind of steady job if that acting thing doesn't go that well).

Actually let me share something with you.

If someday I was able to, don't know, talk on behalf Game Quitters and/or gaming addiction, share my story, spread the gospel, help people and meet really awesome folks (even if young, smart, empowered entrepeneurs fill me with a deep insecurity and some misterious but really strong mistrust in case of them being heterosexual females), the kind of people that makes things happen, people who would open my world to great adventures... man, I would be happy. My very own personal definition of happiness. I could travel, I could speak on top of a stage, I could take life in a more optimistic approach. Be a generally cool guy. Achieve things. Is that a dream? Probably is. 

Much more short term matters need my attention. I have to get in shape and I have to do some medical checks. I know I have but I don't dare to (both things). I'll be travelling next month, it's official, and I need to be ready for anything life will throw at me. Asap. I've been leaving home more lately, I just need to take yet another step. Well, to be honest, today I didn't. But I still can, it's not even 14:00 here. I had to make some arrangements related to the travel and the deadline was tomorrow. I did it  today first thing in the morning instead of waiting until the last moment. Small changes. 

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